INTRODUCTION
In modern society, the question is being raised now more than ever, “Is masculinity on the decline?”. Many would argue yes as traditional masculinity is seemingly becoming non existent. Masculinity in many societies and cultures have different meaningwith various factors influencing masculinity and how it is to be portrayed such as: family background, religion, geographical location and even societal norm and because of different cultures, this may give rise to ambigiousity in defining true masculinity leadingto toxic behaviours being accepted and normalised as masculine behaviour to be portrayed in any society.
It has always been one of the unwritten rules of society that men are biologically leaders, protectors and providers in society whilst women are biologically wired to be nurturing, it becomes evident how male behaviour affects not only men but women in society. This concept is becoming mainstream in our society and if not addressed then our future generation will only live in dysfunctionality and destructive behaviour.
PREFACE
What is Toxic Masculinity ? Whilst there is no standard definition, this term is often used in modern society to describe masculinity on a whole. Traditionally, peace, unity, brotherhood, harmony and stability were present in society, now one can argue just by observation that most of those traits and characteristics are a just that a thing of the past. One may argue that there are also many reasons/factors contributing to this but one of the biggest causes is that of toxic masculinity and fatherlessness.
It also might be important to note that this concept is given rise due to the large number of youths in modern society who are growing/grew up in a maternal/single parent household, with no one to really teach traditional masculine traits and values; High number of absenteeism in fatherhood, giving rise to young men portraying behaviours that are negative in society, this book hopes to educate on the subject matter but also give rise to a behaviourial change in society for our young men and future generation.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
There are many persons to thank for this book, I don’t even know who to start with but my mother for always believing, encouraging and supporting me and my book, secondly my lecturer Mrs. Kerry Ann Smith who has been an excellent teacher and facilitator from concept to creation, thirdly my advisor Mr. Andrew Smith whom has overseed the project from concept to creation, his role with this piece was very pivotal as without him, there would be no real feedback before publication, I would also like to thank all those who participated in gathering research and gave input in creation of this piece, too many to name specifically but special thanks to Dr. Morticqua Murray for her input; Dr. Murray is currently a counsellor at the University of Technology, Jamaica, she is an educator with over 14 years of experience, she believes in actively empowering lives for the better and is a practising christian and last but not least you the reader for taking the time out to consume the information and knowledge in this book and for spreading the message, start by sharing this book with at least one friend. Go and spread the word!!!!!!!!!!!
TABLE OF CONTENT
Part 1: Status
Who Am I as an indvidual?
Far From Weak
How to be and stay a failure/loser Emotions are cool, Use them as Fuel Stop Drinking, Start Thinking
Part 2: Sex
Control is Power
Embrace Pain
Learn It Till You Earn It
Don’t be that guy
Part 3: Aggression
Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time
PART 1: STATUS
WHO AM I AS A MAN AND AN INDIVIDUAL?
In gathering research, a conversation was held with Dr. Murray whom distinctively defined masculinity as having three main pillars under the following catergories: Status, Sex and Aggression, each having their own relationship with masculinity. She then stated the importance of being secure in your one’s skin, especially for males since women are looking to men for leadership and protection in society.
Sex has to do with no, not with intercourse but realizing our actions affect not only ourselves but females and their behaviour in society, realizing that women are biologically wired to be nurturing but can’t do so in an environment where toxicity is allowed to strive and Aggression has to do with problem solving aspects of life as a man, interesting isnt it?
The word “status” according to the Oxford English dictionary means “A person’s social or professional position in relation to other people.” Lets break this down
The first question that was asked in the research phrase was “Who are you?”, whether male or female, the responses received, “Huh?” “Wah kinda random question that?” “Why you ask?” How does that look in your eyes as the reader? Pause and think about it before you continue reading.
One may think it was crazy to ask, but the responses were not sufficient, most persons opted to answer at a later date; answers such as “I’m me, I’m special, I’m unique etc were later received, it could have been subsequently asked, what makes you special or unique?.
The question was then asked why is it important for persons especially men to know who they are? Several responses received: “Nobody can’t take liberty a you once you know and love yuhself”, “No woman nuh wah nuh man wah nuh sure a himself” “A so people can’t trouble you”, That’s just the tip of the iceberg for the issue. Ask around, most likely the same results will be received.
So how does one find out who they are especially as a male? Here’s a challenge, ask the following questions to get ahead of the curve,
“Who are you?/Who are you currently? Who do you want to become? Who are you amongst your friends, family, colleagues etc? Who are your role model(s)? What do you want for your life and self?” Sit with with a pen and a notebook (Yes Really), ask the above questions, write down all thoughts for clarity, congratulations this is actively learning about yourself; any likes, dislikes, passions, expectations, definition of success, all of which make up who you are as an individual and a man.
FAR FROM WEAK
Believe it or not, this could have been a pretty cool title, maybe another book will be written with this title if there’s enough interest, who knows. In the previous chapter, self identity and the importance of knowing who you are as a man was discussed, leadership was also mentioned, now we’re not necessarily talking about physical strength here (yes it is important but not the only factor for strength), but also strength of mind and character.
A female friend some time ago, whom is involved with a gentleman, said her boyfriend is very secure because he shows her vulnerability, embraces his weakness as a man, is actively working on them and isn’t afraid to be show his flaws with her, the thought then came to mind, how many men actually do that, she was asked, she said not alot of men in society, especially in Jamaica, Dr. Murray certainly agrees, now put your pitch forks down, no need for a riot but here’s the deal.
The same female stated that young man’s father always told him that knowing and embracing weakness as a man is important as it allows a man to overcome that weakness/their weakness’ and allows him to be more capable in all realms of life whether physically, emotionally, mentally, financially which should be the ultimate goal of any male in society. The thought was profound (very great) but it’s true.
Another female gave an insightful quote, “a soft man hides his weakness and a tough/strong man embraces his weakness as he sees the need to work on his self and on any weakness”. Dr. Murray stated that boys are not taught in the home how to show vulnerability and that this is a trait of toxic masculinity; Females know that males are human beings and as men there will be weaknesses and strengths that make up one’s character and defines any man, once again, ask who are you?
In addition, analyse strengths and weaknesses then write down how to overcome those weaknesses? Is there any help needed from a professional then seek one, which is also another part of overcoming any weakness; Dr. Murray argued that getting help for any
weaknesses makes one strong. It was expressed to Dr. Murray that on behalf of most men especially locally in Jamaica, many don’t show weakness as if vulnerability was shown whether in the home or a romantic relationship etc automatically they are labelled as weak, stereotyped negatively etc, she argued that this is one of the leading causes of toxic masculine behaviours and asked the question, “Should men stay weak and not embrace and work on their own weakness as a result?”.
Think about it, no matter what people will always talk but once again know yourself through active work, recognise any weakness and work on them. This way you’ll be better able to understand yourself and the world. Remember being told about leadership, men don’t always have to be strong but there has to be strength to recognise and work on any weaknesses so as to become stronger and more capable men in society.
Several females were asked what are some top traits desired in a man? One of the top answers received, try this experiement for yourself, was strength of character, being secure enough to know there will
be weaknesses as a man and that’s ok, just be willing to put in the work to overcome any weakness. Dr. Murray has this interesting quote which should put everything into perspective, “a man is first a human being, then a man”. Interesting isn’t it, men and humans are born limited, a fact of life but the bottom line is once you as a man are able to once again know yourself through work and you are pushing the boundaries of your weaknesses in a safe way, then call yourself FAR FROM WEAK!
HOW TO BE AND STAY A FAILURE/LOSER
Sounds harsh, but it’s either growth or stagnation. Most of the input gathered can be summarised below:
• Neglect personal responsibilities as a man.(Family, friends, personal, professional etc)
• Never take accounatabilty and accept the consequences of your actions.
• Be mr.know it all, never seek help and never be willing to learn and grow in all realms.
• Always be controlled by emotions and never keep a level, calm or cool head/frame in all endavours.
• Always feel entitled to anything in life, especially with women and never bother to improve yourself.
• Accept negative coping mechanisms as the way go instead of addressing the root cause of the issue.
• Think that violence and aggression is always the answer in any situation.
• Never bother to practice self control in all realms.
EMOTIONS ARE COOL, USE
THEM AS FUEL
Remember the discussion about self identity and not being afraid to show weakness in order to grow, well my friend there is a whole emotional side to that no one talks about. Dr. Murray was asked about the negative side of it all, “What about those males who are hurting deep down and have no one to turn to?”; She immediately recognised this as the unfortunate reality for alot of young men, she then asked, “Why do they not have anyone to turn to, where is the father who as a man understands what their son(s) might be going through as a young man?” “Granted the father is alive?”, she said sure.
It boils back to what was discussed in previous chapters, identifying that there was no active father figure in one’s life and taking the necessary steps to make sure this does not affect one’s state of mind, life and actions. Several young men in a particular setting were asked who has their father actively involved in their lives; around 14 young men, 8 said yes the remainder said no (that’s 6 for those who don’t like
mathematics for whatever reason), one would argue that statistically those without father figures are more likely to engage in negative activities such as: gangs and violence as they are more susceptible (likely to be influenced or harmed by a particular thing) to anything negative. So what do they do?
In listening amongst a group of peers recently, one female stated that she is super proud of her boyfriend, she began dating him over a year ago and he was extremely slender and criminally underweight for his height at 6’1, she is only 5’3, she said that he has an eating disorder and people would sometimes make comments about his physical physique, “Lawd girl how him so meagre, no sah my man affi have likkle muscles man”, not knowing the full story but that’s ok, she stated that he got tired of the comments hurled at him, so he decided to look up how to gain muscles and went to the gym non stop from 2021 till now (2023), moving from 150lbs to 185lbs, one would be shocked, she went on and on and on about him.
There are many hidden lessons there, what would have been your reaction? Would it have been brushed
aside (maybe), would some negative coping mechanism be normalised (hopefully not) or would that have been used to transform yourself and life focusing on what can be controlled something like your physique. Hopefully inspiration was given to go to the gym, it’s a positive coping mechanism, start with some pushups at first if a gym isn’t within your reach.
Dr. Murray linked the story to young men who grew up without fathers, that one can actively make the decision within the mind to change for the betterand if the CHOICE IS MADE TO HAVE CHILDREN, then responsibility won’t be neglected as a father figure, well that’s for those who do decide to have children. How to deal with any negativity that comes your way, be it rejection, criticism etc, one can always overcome and adapt, making the conscious choice to be better instead of allowing negative emotions to strive and indulging in any negative coping mechanism.
Dr. Murray gave another interesting quote which again should put it all into perspective, “as a human, you are born with emotions”, there’s no hiding from them, they’re there both good and bad, the next best
thing is to manage and control reactions especially to situations where one has no control, choose to become better as this will be setting an example for others, aspire to inspire, that only happens with adapting a growth mindset as a man taking any negativity as fuel and choosing growth over stagnantion (showing little activity or movement).
STOP DRINKING, START THINKING
Oh The Big One! Hopefully everyone knows the drawback of excessive alcohol, yet it is so common amongst especially our males, why is this so? Dr. Murray argued this is a coping mechanism for some underlying issue in life and it makes so much sense, no one is here to judge anyone, quite the opposite; if you’re an active drinker or regularly indulge in alcohol, ask yourself Why do I drink? What’s the benefit of drinking? Is it making a positive influence on my life and those around me? Important questions to ask. In having a chat with a female recently, she said she hates when her boyfriend drinks excessively, she expressed that she has been trying to get him to quit for some time and that when he over indulges, it leads to verbal abuse as one of the side effects, stating that he sometimes yells at her, his judgement is clouded due to the excessive alcohol, etc, it makes her feel not so safe as she doesn’t trust him to make wise decisions
no not prying, but active unbiased research and unfortunately, this is the reality for many women; Yes Yes it feels cool to indulge in all the alcohol, get drunk, forget all the problems but again it boils back down to emotions, does one really need excessive alcohol consumption in their daily personal/professional life, it’s only a coping mechanism for some underlying issue(s) that is neglected and/or overlooked, ask “Why is the issue being avoided?” This book can almost be called this the Big book of Why? But in all seriousness, the only person who benefits is the alcohol company, taking away money from consumers that could have been used towards their own personal growth. The solution, after much brainstorm, it was decided to manage the habit, a behaviourial change, the first step is to make the decision to quit, then get to the why am I indulging in this sort of behaviour, it will take time so it’s ok, once identifed, then begin to track how often you drink, then gradually cut back, if it’s three bottles per week, cut it to two, rinse and repeat; Millions of livers are happier and healthier, also a ton of money was saved from buying alcoholic drinks and from the hospital bill(s) to be paid in a few years time
YOU’RE ALL WELCOME!!!!!
PART TWO: SEX
CONTROL IS POWER
As a male, one of the biggest things is that of control, control over words, habits, actions etc. Earlier there was a discussion about control over negative coping habits such as excessive drinking now the attention is turned to control in regards to the opposite gender; no don’t try to control any female or human being, in fact the only person to be controlled is yourself as a man. In his book, What we reap and what we sow, Dr. Chevannes argued about the importance of practising control over sexual urges especially as a male. He argued that many modern men are irresponsible as many don’t stick to one sexual partner but they also run from commitment and from paternity. The number of single mothers is proof enough statiscally both locally and worldwide as fathers have abandoned their responsibility. That is why, in this country, it is the women who father their children; Dr. Murray certainly agrees, she quoted instinctively that “a single mother cannot father a child effectively and vice versa”, think about that as it might be relatable,
it’s not to take away from women but to provide emphasis to balance within the home. The socialiation process of the child becomes skewed (biased towards one particular subject or group), as only the mother is actively playing her role for the child but the male is needed for masculine socialization. One can see that all the ideologies above are linked.
Dr. Murray linked this back to the number of single parent maternal households, fathers being absent, young men are led a stray by societial pressure, conforming to negative behaviours and coping mechanism; she distinctively spoke about the “gyallis” lifestyle, for anyone unaware having a bunch of women at once, then one thing leads to another, rinse and repeat, a child growing up without a father becoming a father, knowing he isn’t ready, meditate on it but the unfortunate reality especially locally.
The solution, well prevention is better than cure, don’t conform to the negative in society, again think about the consequences of these actions having multiple children due to a lack of control from the “gyallis life”, NOT
COOL!!!!
EMBRACE PAIN
In this case “pain” is rejection, Yes yes and yes, it unfortunately happens to everyone; Dr. Murray stated that it should primarily be the father’s job to teach a young man how to handle rejection in a healthy way, be it from a female, job, anything, IT’S INEVITABLE (certain to happen; unavoidable) in life. Dr. Murray also argued that this may also be one of those leading causes of negative coping habits such as excessive drinking, smoking, gangs etc as it’s “easier to copy the bad than the good.”
Think back to the first pain of rejection as a male, chances are it was a female, statistically speaking, if not then fine but How are you? Is any pain still being felt? Has the issue been dealt with in a healthy way? The solution, remember these are emotions and they can be channelled into a greater cause for positivity and to level up, there’s this quote “rejection is direction for something greater in life.” Remember the discussion about control, well it’s here again. SEEK PROFES-
SIONAL HELP, if necessary, Let’s get it gent! Stay Hard
LEARN IT TILL YOU EARN IT
People like to say “fake it till you make it”, how about learn it till you earn it, why should anything be fake in life, people can tell and no one likes anything fake. This quote was shared amongst friends recently and interestingly they were all shocked, someone even told said they liked that quote, a huge discussion went on, then the matter of respect came up, between males and females; Yikes!!! It was debated that modern men nowadays don’t respect females and it’s true within our own behaviour in society, through catcalling (the act of shouting,harassing and often sexually suggestive, threatening, or derisive comments at someone publicly).
Respect goes a long way in society and in life, remember the primary role of men: to provide, to lead and to protect. Dr. Murray argued how to respect women is not taught in the household, she then linked it biblically for those who are spiritual, that Eve came from our rib, she then argued that it has to do with
mindset as well, as a strong man would and should be taught how to respect and treat women in society, simple gestures such as: opening the door, protecting and helping women in times of vulnerability, all seemingly becoming non existent in modern society or only the minority of men engage in those traditional acts of masculinity.
Dr. Chevannes also spoke about the sexualisation of women being at a high rate in society, he went on to argue that yes men go through physical attraction for women but should not be controlled by their urges and should stick to the basics when dealing with the opposite gender: honesty, respect, leadership, protection, security, emotional security etc.
A survey was conducted amongst at least 20 females and one of the biggest turn offs in males notably was dissrespect and insecurity. Dr. Murray stated that it is linked to insecurity as males should be remember that their mother is first and foremost a woman, she also argued that there is some level of insecurity present if males actively and genuinely don’t show respect to women, stating that this is one of the signs of a weak man in society. Think about women for you, is respect
actively shown? Assuming the answer is yes, it only seems fair to give more respect to women in society and it will be reciprocated (respond to an action or emotion with a similar tone) as a result, meaning more men will be respected. Newsflash, its free to respect women. Respect, first learn it then remove the “L”.
DON’T BE THAT GUY
This is the name of a campaign a female friend of mine successfully ran, no the name was not stolen but it serves as inspiration to ideologies linked to toxic masculinity; So far one of the overall themes present here is that of control; In the campaign she gathered experiences from women who experienced catcalling and harassment locally and were appalled by the expeience and decided enough is enough, it was great, the campaign that is as women were allowed to freely speak on experiences associated with this behaviour.
Remember having respect towards women, well catcalling is also degrading towards them; Dr. Murray linked this back to toxic behaviours being accepted in society, where men are allowed to degrade women freely. One particular testimony that stood out was a young teenage school girl being harrassed whilst in her uniform near her home, it was so bad, the family had to relocate, Dr. Murray then argued that it also stems
from a sense of entitlement in every aspect of life from men, whether it’s personal contact information, a name or even intercourse.
Dr. Murray stated that again fathers need to teach boys how to properly interact with women, restructing the socialization process of forming healthy relationships with women, not feeling entitled to anything from women.
The solution, have and give respect to women when interacting with them and if that’s not enough, think about any female relatives; mothers, aunties, sister, nephews, How does it feel when they speak about the slighest sign of dissrespect towards them especially from a male; DO YOU REALLY WANNA
BE THAT GUY???
PART 3: AGGRESSION
DONT DO THE CRIME IF YOU CAN’T DO THE TIME
One can see how everything is linked together in this piece, leadership, accountability, self control, being self aware, having and giving respect to everyone, being able to think for oneself; all these are traits which should be adapted by the modern male in order to eradicate toxic masculine behaviours in society. One of the biggest toxic masuline behaviour acceptable in society is poor conflict resolution skills and violence towards women.
Dr. Chevannes spoke about violence towards women owning that again fathers are responsible to teach their boys how to handle conflict in a healthy way; One young man expressed that his biggest mantra is “Live to see another day”, he expressed that his father always told him not go to “Mike Tyson” on anyone but rather be calm and keep the advantage always, he stated that it also has to do with understanding others in society. No don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you but
violence is almost never the answer. Dr.Murray spoke about high crime rate as well, linking it back to fatherlessness and being negatively socialized as a result. Learn to walk away from most situations which again has to do with control. She also linked it all to violence against women, Yikes!!! All that is left to be said is, “REAL MEN DONT ABUSE OR HIT WOMEN”, not just physical abuse but verbal or emotional abuse. The solution, well realise that makes a man less of a protector in society, having any abuse on any woman, it also leads to a lack of respect from female conuterparts, once again think about any female relatives, and how it would feel to hear just the slightest thing about disrepsect or violence, well that’s every man for you. Be brave and exemplary through actions of being upstanding and respectable in society.
REFERENCES
BROWN, Janet and Barry Chevannes. 1998. Why Man Stay So: An Examination of Gender Socialization in the Caribbean. University of the West Indies, Mona.
CHEVANNES, Barry. In press. Learning to be a Man: Culture, Gender and Socialization in some Caribbean Communities. Kingston: University of the West Indies Press.
