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4 April 2013

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt Address all frivolous complaints to:  The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

What they said around College this week

Editor Extinctus:

Dave Byrne

Editor Emeritus: Hannah McCarthy

“Buy a daffodil, they cure cancer!” 1st Year Cancer Soc member gets wrong end of the stick.

“Who are you again?” Chair of Publications Damien Carr stumbles in on the Piranha editorial team; regrets immediately accepting their offer of congealed Chinese food as a farewell gift.

“I honestly thought the whole 'Ebay' thing would work” Eric Tebay found face down in a gutter on Talbot Street

“This is a good day for students” Rory Dunne leaves House 6 for the last time

“Let’s crack some skulls” Trinity security already relishing the mass evacuation of campus on Trinity Ball Day “What makes Dunne different from the rest? The simple fact is that he’s lived up to his promise that he will ‘get things Dunne’.” Actually printed in the ‘Trinity Twenty’ supplement at the start of the year. Rory Dunne was last seen minutes after its publication.

ON THIS DAY 33AD: The crucifixion and subsequent rise from the dead of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1967 - The Westboro Baptist Church lambasts Trinity for being too conservative

1592 - Elizabeth I squeezes into a pair of skinny jeans, rolls a cigarette and declares Trinity College Dublin open.

1980 – Michael O’Leary loses a pound and discovers after his economics lecture. He contemplates suicide for the whole night.

Notes From The Throne And so another shoal of piranha swims adrift into the ocean of graduate unemployment, only to see a new herd of elk rise from the rubble like a phoenix from the ashes. Before brutally sticking the knife into all social climbers and hacks for the entertainment of twelve of our friends, let us thank Dave the Rave for his tireless, unceasing commitment to freedom of speech and crude satire. Also to Hannah, who apparently is a member of the Hist and indeed once walked by Pubs. We hereby vow to take our merry band of freshers and sink to the offensive levels of previous illustrious editors - thanks to those freshers for coming on board, (Anna, Jamie, Glen, Hugh and Alex) and putting us in the unusual situation of having more writers than readers, and also thanks to Crystal Ball Chinese takeaway for serving us Chinese food so questionable it can’t even properly give us food poisoning - they were way ahead of the curve in the horsemeat scandal. BESS honeys, be warned - we’re coming for you. Much Love, Donal and Cormac.

2012 – Hodges Figgis, in continuous operation since 1785, finally gives up the fight to remain the last non-burrito bar on Dawson Street, and rebrands as Hochos Fajitas. 1963 - Sen. David Norris forcibly ejected from DUFC for not being gay enough.

The time has come to pass the Piranha mantle on to a new generation of editors, destined to continue the legacy of publishing 2,000 copies of a newspaper read by approximately 50 obliging friends. They and theirs have written basically everything in this issue, fair play. I’d like to take this time to make a heavily qualified semi-apology. It’s surprisingly ungratifying to upset people in print, and I am actually a bit soz. Having said that, The Piranha isn’t about being sound. It’s about freedom.of.speech., sticking. it.to.the.man., j.u.s.t.i.c.e and making.jokes.about.yokes.

The Piranha isn’t about being sound. Somebody on campus should call bullshit if and when people get elected to do a job that they do literally fackin none of while getting over 20 grand for it and a room on campus. If people in those positions next year could do my successors a favour could you please LOL IT OFF AND ACT LIKE YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT AND JUST BATHE IN YOUR FREE MONEY AND DANCE IN YOUR FREE ROOM AND STOP MAKING US FEEL BAD BY TELLING PEOPLE YOU’RE REALLY UPSET. To quote a great

Next year's Editors-in-Chief: Cormac Shine Donal McKeating Creative Director: Glen Byrne Disgraced Former Editor: John Engle Big Swingin' Dick: Ricky McCormack Writers:

Anna Sheehan Matt Brazel Jamie Murphy Hugh Guideira

Honest Attempt: Alex Turner-Milne I Was Here First: Glen Rogers Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll: Damien Carr The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ

hunzo: “thats really fucking bent”. I’d also like to take the time to thank Hannah McCarthy for all the hour she put into the Piranha this year. Peace out Trinity

Piranha Issue 5