SO YOUR BUGGERING OF TO OZ THEN? So your finally going off to visit the land down-under! The homeland of Roos, Goon, Scooners, Bogans, Ute’s, Mullets and of course Kylie Minogue arse! I have created this book for you and I hope that it will prove to be invaluable on your travels. In it you will find 10 things you HAVE to do (so that you have the best trip ever) as well as 10 things you must NOT do (so that you don’t end up dead, in prison or married to a hillbilly) I hope you manage to complete all of the do’s and I will be terribly let down, dissaponted and god damn ashamed of you if you should so much as try any of the don’ts. That been said, have a lovley time muthaphuker! Love Bracex
1. LEARN TO SURF LIKE A FUCKIN BOSS! Or at least give it a bash. One of my biggest regrets was not learning to surf when I was out in oz. Just make sure you donâ€™t get your leg bitten off by a shark because apparantly that makes it really difficult. I want this one boxed off early Muschamp. If the pug (pictured left) can do it, then so can YOU!
We cannot be responsible for our readers safety. If Lucy decides to go ahead with this task she does so at her own will and waivers the rights to compensation should she be attacked by some kind of big fuck-off shark or something else equaly as terryfying!
2. GET GAY AND LOVE IT Golden Gaytimes - What can I say? Chocolate, buscuit, Toffee and Vanilla ice-cream. . . . all on a fucking stick!!! YES - They are as awesome as they sound!!! Just look at the picture - LOOK! Get some Gaytime! Thank me later!
3. SLAP THE GOON! For this you will need the following: 1. Bag of Goon. 2. One bucket to throw up in. 3. No morals. Slap the bag instructions: Lay on your back, open your mouth and swallow. You should be good at this.
LAST SEEN ON THE BARRIER REEF ACTING LIKE A RIGHT KNOB
4. FIND NEMO Now luckily for you this means you get to swim the amazing Great Barrier Reef. But this isn’t about you Lucy! This is about poor Nemo’s dad who has been in steady decline since his adored son went missing. He has since developed a worrying crack habit and been forced into inter-species prostitution. Please, save Nemo’s dad from a life of debauchery FIND NEMO!
5. LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE THONGS & THONGS
Now this is just good old advice which could save you from some serious embarrassment. Now if for instance you are entering a bar and they ask you to take of your thongs, this is not an invite to get naked. What the polite Aussie gentlemen is actually implying is that you take off your â€˜flip-flopsâ€™. Also this work in reverse. When getting dressed in the morning (still pissed from the night before as I imagine you will be) Take care to put the correct thongs on the correct body parts or you could gain a nasty chaeffing injury See picture left.
1. SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON COCKTAILS Now this is going to be a tough given your severe alcholism. If you are going to fail at anything it is probably this, hence I have placed it at number 1 so that you can be aware of it right from the begginning. Now there are several reasons you must not spend all of your money on cocktails. Firstly you are going to need some money for a thing called ‘RENT’. Rent must be payed to a landlord/lady or possibly to a hostel or hotel. In exhange for this ‘RENT’ you will be given a bed in a building which means that you will not have the need to rough it on the streets or gain employment at a local brothel. Secondly you will need some of this ‘cocktail’ money for ‘FOOD’. This is also very important and withought it you are likley to die a very slow and skinny death! In order to ween yourself off the cocktails I suggest that instead, you buy the Australian fine-wine known as ‘GOON” . This wine is widly drank by visiting tribes of European backpackers and is believed to be made from fish and eggs. Despite it’s revolting smell, documented health risks and high fatality rate Ifeel that at a bargain $12 for 4 litres, Goon is not just an option, it’s a neccessity. Goon Side Effects:
Fever, headaches, hallucinations, dehidration, liver failure, brain damage, drunk texting, pink eye, raciallyabusiveturrets syndrome, internal bleeding, naraccssism, very, very poor decision making, death and in some extreme cases, pregnancy.
2. BECOME A DRUG MULE Now again, this is going to be a tough one. I can only assume that at some point durimg your journey you will find yourself completely skint after having spent all your money on cocktails and Golden Gaytimes. In times like these it is very common for your pimp to try to encourage you into becoming a drug mule. This may seem like a fantastic oppurtunity at first but before you go through with it please take some time to think about it.
3. PUNCH A SHARK
Do I even have to explain this one? Don’t be so stupid - a shark is one of the most highly evolved predators on the planet and you are NOT ‘One bomb Fisher”... so BEHAVE!!!!
3. MARRY FOR A VISA
Now at first glance this may seem strange. I mean it looks win-win for you doesn’t it? Meet some buff young ozzy bloke (pictured left) get married, have some sprogs and BOOM!... visa sorted, bit of arm candy too - but NO! This is a trick. What you don’t know is the Ozzy man is a proper, proper dick! It’s just not worth it. Plus all your kids will have mullets and vest tans. Do the right thing. Do your harvest work!
4. ADOPT AN AUSSIE ACCENT
Just donâ€™t do it - and if you do catch yourself o accidentally saying any of the lingo or using their accent, pick up your phone and book a flight home immediately!!!
5. DO NOT BE RACIST
Now I know your racist turrets is hard to control after a few/fuckin loads of drinks but please try to be respectful or it is likely that you will end up on a spit-roast (and thatâ€™s not a euphemism)
and finally be sure to.....
ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!!!! We’re gonna miss you but your gonna have the time of your life so we’ll let you off. Just make sure you skype us. Love ya, Bracexxx