Procrastination By Dale Brodie
INT.DAY, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE MONDAY We see RYAN a man in his mid 20s sitting at his desk on his computer when in walks MARK, another man in his mid 20s. Hey Ryan.
RYAN Hey Mark what’s up? MARK Not much, we’ve got our first client, a Mrs Black. She’s got a daughter about 15 years old who she thinks is the next Britney. RYAN Can she sing? MARK No but we can auto-tune the crap out of her and it’ll sound ok, anyway you need to write a song for her. It needs to be catchy yet harmless. RYAN No problem, when do you need it by? Friday.
RYAN What!? I can’t write a song in under a week! Can’t you take this one? MARK I would but I’ve got PR meetings all week, listen Mrs Black is offering $4,000 dollars upfront and all of the youtube advertising revenue. And we really need the money right now. RYAN Fine, I’ll see what i can do FADE OUT
INT.DAY, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE TUESDAY Ryan enters his office with his lunch and sits down at his computer. RYAN Ok, lets see what do young people like these days? Lets have a look on the old yoube tube shall we? Ryan begins to click on different videos which make him laugh we hear famous youtube videos like "trololololol", "numa, numa, guy" and "chocolate rain", finally he puts on the video entitled "Nyan Cat" FADE OUT INT.NIGHT, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE Ryan is still on his computer, still watching the video known as "Nyan Cat" when Mark walks in. MARK Knock, knock. I just thought I’d drop in to see how your getting on. Ryan doesn’t Respond but instead continues watching the video. Ryan?
Still no respones from Ryan. Ryan?
Still Nothing. RYAN!?
Finally Ryan looks up as though a spell has just been broken. RYAN I... I Just... Five hours Mark. I spent five hours watching that cat-poptart-thing fart... Fart a rainbow in space for... For five (MORE) (CONTINUED)
3. RYAN (cont’d) hours, just waiting for something to happen, but nothing happened Mark... Nothing... Happened MARK Jesus Chirst Ryan! You’ve wasted a whole day watching a cat shit a rainbow! You’ve got two days left to write this damn song, now go home and your head straightened out! CUT TO BLACK
INT.DAY, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE WEDNESDAY Ryan is sitting in his office writing down the notes of a song as he hums it and plays it on a keyboard. he appears pleased with himself. RYAN That sounds petty damn good if i say so myself. He takes a deep breath before looking around his office and then at his watch. RYAN I should Probably take a break. He looks around before setting his sights on the TV and Xbox in his office, he walks over to it and picks up the game "Batman Arkham Asylum", he looks excited before putting the game in the Xbox and picking the controller before sitting down. FADE OUT INT.NIGHT, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE We see Mark enter Ryan’s office. MARK Hey Bud, just thought I’d come and... What.. The... Fuck... We see Ryan is sitting down still playing his game but he is now looking more intense than ever and wearing a batman mask. (CONTINUED)
MARK Ryan, what are you doing? RYAN (In a deep husky voice.) Ryan? There is no Ryan here. Only Batman. Mark storms over to the TV and turns it off. MARK Have you lost your mind!? RYAN No, I was lost, losing the battle, the game had me beat. But then I realised, that in order to beat the Bat, I must become the Bat. MARK Please tell me you at least wrote the chorus? Ryan looks nervous. RYAN Yes I have your chorus. Itâ€™s right... Here! Ryan throws a pellet on the ground and white dust emerges. Mark begins to cough heavily and we begin to hear the 1970s "Batman" theme song, but when the dust settles Ryan is still there playing the song on his keyboard. RYAN Oh my god! You know I was going to run away in the confusion but Iâ€™m just so impressed that worked! I spent all day online learning how to do that, turns out all you need is a lighter and talcum pow... MARK DO YOUR FUCKING WORK! CUT TO BLACK
INT.DAY, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE THURSDAY Ryan enters his office looking defeated when Mark enters behind him. MARK Ok, so I unplugged your Internet this morning, the TV has been removed from your office and any other possible distractions are gone. Now gonna lock the Door, leave the room and come back at lunch time. So Ryan please for the love of Christ and all that is holy. Write the fucking song ok? Ryan nods his head while staring at the floor like a young boy in trouble. Mark Leaves. Ryan begins to look around unsatisfied with his office and begins to move papers around, before long he is just cleaning his office. FADE OUT INT.DAY, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE It’s lunchtime when Mark enters Ryan’s office MARK Hey I thought I’d bring you something to eat, how are you getting on? Mark then notices that Ryan is on the floor and doing what appears to be cleaning the carpet. MARK (CONT’D) Ummmm.... Ryan? What are you... Wasn’t your carpet white? RYAN Yeah, well, I started cleaning and then I saw a stain on the carpet and I read that if you use a mix of black pen ink and spit you can remove stains. But it didn’t work... So I figured I’d use the same technique to paint the carpet.
MARK What is wrong with you? Ryan looks up with a blank stare. MARK (CONT’D) If you don’t have that song by tomorrow our reputation is shattered and our company is over before it even starts. Mark leaves the room and Ryan has a sad look upon his face. CUT TO BLACK INT.DAY, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE Friday Mark and Ryan appear nervous. MARK God damn’ it Ryan! ok I’ll just have to call her up and try to postpone the meeting. we hear a knock at the door. It’s MRS. BLACK. Shit!
MARK & RYAN
Mrs Black enters the office. MARK Hey there Mrs. Black, how are you doing today. MRS BLACK Ecstatic! I’ve gotta say my little angel is just so excited to start her rise to fame. MARK Oh yes. Both me and Ryan are both very excited, and we’ll sure you’ll love what we’ve got... So Ryan lets hear what lyrical genius you’ve penned for Mrs. Black’s little girl. Mark looks at Ryan Apologetically.
RYAN Sure, Umm just let me... He walks over to the keyboard in his office. RYAN (CONT’D) I’ve just got to get the tune. Ryan begins to craft a tune but its very clear he’s wasting time. Ryan?
We see Ryan’s mind at work, all the nerves begin to fuse the connections start to form as his mind frantically tries to think of something and then it happens. RYAN Singing Gingerly 7am, waking up in the morning Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal Seein’ everything, the time is goin’ Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’ Gotta get down to the bus stop Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends. Ryan looks around to see how his lyrics are going over with everyone before continuing. Everyone has a look of confusion on their faces. Ryan clearly doesn’t know where to go next, he looks around the room when he sees the calender on the wall and says... RYAN (CONT’D) It’s Monday, Monday, gotta get down on... wait no. It’s Friday, Friday Gotta get down on Friday Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend Friday, Friday Gettin’ down on Friday Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend. There is a very, very long pause as Ryan has a large but insincere smile on his face as he looks around the room for approval. Mark looks more worried than ever and Mrs. Black has a blank expression but then she seems impressed.
MRS BLACK Well I’m not "home with the downies" like you guys but I thought that sounded great. RYAN (whispering to Mark) did she just say that? MARK (whispering back) Shut the fuck up Mark turns back to Mrs. Black MARK (CONT’D) We’re so glad you liked it, Ryan here has been working on it night and day for the past week, isn’t that right? RYAN Oh yeah sure, I just want the best for your little angel. Once again Ryan smiles unconvincingly. MRS BLACK So when can we bring Rebecca in for recording? MARK Why don’t you bring her down next week when we get all the logistics figured out? MRS BLACK Sounds great! Mark shows Mrs black out of Ryan’s office. they both give each other looks of disbelief before Mark closes the office door. CUT TO BLACK
INT.NIGHT, ARK MUSIC FACTORY. RYAN’S OFFICE SOME WEEKS LATER Mark and Ryan are both in Ryan’s office. Mark looks terrible, he hasn’t shaved in days, his shirt is creased and he’s smoking whilst Ryan on the other hand looks great. Ryan is sitting at his computer while mark is sitting on the sofa. In the background you can hear "Friday" by "Rebecca Black" being played. MARK We’re terrible people. RYAN We’re Rich. MARK We’ve unleashed the musical equivalent to rape upon the world. RYAN I Just bought a Diamond encrusted TV, I mean if there’s anywhere you don’t need diamonds its in a TV but who cares we’re Rich! MARK You know that poor girl gets bullied everyday at school, her mom sent me this letter. She said other girls are constantly asking Rebecca what day it is. We’ve ruined this girls life. RYAN I Just bought a Fish Bladder Inflation Device, I don’t even know what that does but who cares, WE’RE RICH! MARK I think I’m gonna go hang myself now. Mark goes to get up. Wait!
Mark stand there while Ryan is typing frantically on his keyboard.
RYAN (CONTINUED) There I just bought you noose made out of platinum and with 1st class delivery it should be here in one working day. MARK I hate you so much. FADE OUT