NOV 2013 VOLUME 4 ISSUE 1 01
SNL Hires Six New Human Cast Members, Ignores Perfectly Qualified Dolphins VE
Redskins Change Name to “Washington Tear Trailers” VE Neighbors Of Convicted Murderer Suspected He Was A Murderer All Along JR
Stepdad Really Wants To Be Called “Dad” AT Eggo Waffle Employee Won’t “L’eggo” Of Stolen Government Money IM Obama To Split Last Year of Term Into Two Installments AF
Report: 1 in 3 Fire Alarms Cause Balloons to Fall From Ceiling IM Man Told To Have A Great Day Does Not IM
Unsuspecting Future Cancer Victim Adamantly Against Obamacare JR Horse Moos IM
Tracy McGrady Retires Nine Years After Knees JOD Small Town in Angola Thinks “The Matrix” Was A Documentary LB
Man Settles For Prosthetic Hand Job MB “Dancing with the Stumps” New Hit for Paraplegic Dance Fans CM
08 Shredded College Applications Found in Burgers CM
DEPAULA DEENS Jason Rhee Alex Furlin Matt Baker Andreas Tsironis Rima Mandwee Chelsea Henshaw Dre V. Sanchez Hannah Callas Ian McCulloch John O’Dowd Victor Espeland Cameron Ciesil Kay Hottel Tom Orr Jeff Fidler Luke Burrows Carolyn Moore Mackenzie O’Brien Hannah Mathis Valerie Paykov
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Household Appliances You Can Store Bees In VE, KH, AF, JF, LB, CM, JOD, JR
10 Batman to play Ben Affleck
“Bible Says Nothin’ ‘Bout Teabagging” MB
Spelling Test from a Depressed Teacher CM
Wait, Shit. What Was I Going To Write? MB
What You Call Your Friends vs. What Your Dad Calls Your Friends CC A Dog’s Debate On Where To Piss MOB
Chicago Bears Jumbo-Tron Replaces “Kiss-Cam” With “Eat-Cam” CC
Ask A Dad Who Stubbed His Toe MB
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” CC
List of Women Who Won’t Have Sex With Me AF
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Best Places To Hide A Body At DePaul LB, MB, JF, MOB, AT, JR
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AROUND TOWN SNL HIRES SIX NEW HUMAN CAST MEMBERS, IGNORES PERFECTLY QUALIFIED DOLPHINS
NEW YORK—Long-running NBC variety show “Saturday Night Live” announced Tuesday it has officially hired six new human cast members, skipping over several qualified dolphin contenders. The rejected dolphins, who all perform at the popular “Atlantic City” undersea improv theatre, expressed their dismay that
producer Lorne Michaels continues to only hire human cast members. “Eeek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek,” one dolphin improviser told reporters from comedy blog Splitsider. Some have argued the dolphins were passed over due to barriers between dolphin and human culture. “Really, there’s only so much range a dolphin can have on stage. They don’t have much opportunity to perform in the first place,” SNL head writer Seth Meyers told reporters. Meyers did praise a recent viral video of a dolphin doing a Barack Obama impression, commenting that it was unlike anything he’s ever seen. Others suggest Lorne Michaels might be a speciest, harboring a deep-seated distrust of dolphins and their ilk. “Lorne is afraid they’ll take over, and when they do, they’ll take him out first,” former head writer Tina Fey confided to reporters.
NBC CEO Steve Burke, on the other hand, sees this as a purely economic issue. “Do you know how hard it would be to hire even one dolphin? They’d require a mobile aquarium, specially-tailored costumes, and they can’t even stand on stage. I mean, Christ, guys, it’s a fucking dolphin.”
held atop a replica Indian burial site. Snyder says he thinks the pageantry will serve to remind Americans of the Choctaw nation’s horrific exodus in accordance with the 1830 Indian Removal Act. At press time, Major League Baseball team the Cincinnati Reds have changed their name to “The Cincinnati Genocides.”
When reached for comment, Lorne Michaels said that “some of my best friends are dolphins” and reminded us that Queen Latifah hosted in 2004.
NEIGHBORS OF CONVICTED MURDERER SUSPECTED HE WAS A MURDERER ALL ALONG
REDSKINS CHANGE NAME TO “WASHINGTON TEAR TRAILERS”
FLINT, MICH.—After serial killer Jacob Francis Walker was convicted in state court for eleven counts of murder in the past decade, Walker’s neighbors spoke publicly for the first time, stating they suspected he was a murderer for years. Next-door neighbors grew suspicious over the years when Walker denied all invitations to social gatherings, providing the same cryptic excuse of “having something to do that night that would require his full attention and time.”
WASHINGTON—Amid widespread criticism over the team name’s alleged insensitivity, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder changed the popular football team’s name to “The Washington Tear Trailers” last Monday. “The team felt the name ‘Redskins’ did not accurately reflect the long, troubled history of this country’s indigenous peoples. We hope the new name will better acknowledge the genocidal suffering under went by Native Americans.” The team’s new logo will still feature the iconic Indian chief fans know and love, but with a 19th century rifle pointing at the chief added in. On top of this, the team’s mascot will now feature a 19th century American soldier holding it at gunpoint. The soldier will escort the Chief mascot and his tribe off the field during the pre-game, and the coin toss will be
When nearby resident James Howard saw a squad of police cars pull up to Walker’s home, Howard figured this day would arrive. “I mean, that Jacob guy was pretty distant,” said Howard. “Plus I remember seeing him choking a man behind 7-Eleven. I figured that it was just a misunderstanding and that they would be able to sort it out themselves.” Wendy Lawrence, a lone surviving victim, gave a startling account of her encounters with Walker. “I’m pretty sure the first time I went to go introduce myself he tried to stab me, but I thought he was just having a bad day. Then he did it three more times, and I told myself if this happens again I’m going to have to call the police and send in a complaint.”
All the residents on Walker’s block are currently being investigated by the federal government on counts of “concealing knowledge from the authorities” and “failing to report a crime.”
STEPDAD REALLY WANTS TO BE CALLED “DAD” SCHAUMBURG, IL—On a quiet afternoon of passive-aggressive football catching, Frank Boyle, 44, was reported to have told his stepson of three years, Kevin Daniels, 15, “you know you can call me dad, right ,champ?” Sources claim that Kevin threw the football at his stepdad’s feet saying, “Fuck you, Frank.”
EGGO WAFFLES EMPLOYEE WON’T “L’EGGO” OF STOLEN GOVERNMENT MONEY
BATTLE CREEK, MI—Five year Eggo Waffle employee Vaffle Christie has gotten himself into a sticky, syrupy situation as he refuses to “l’eggo” of reportedly stolen government funds. Facing toaster-level heat from government officials, Vaffle has stayed light and fluffy through the whole process. “They’ve got nothing on me,” he claims, “I’m golden.” Suspicions arose when Vaffle, always good in the morning, came in to the office
in designer clothing. “He came in one day with these bright shirts on,” one co worker said, “I thought nothing of it. Vaffle with fruity toppings made my mornings sweeter.” It is believed that Vaffle acquired the money during his trip to Belgium. Upon returning, reports arose that Belgian Vaffle had more dough. “We know he’s guilty,” one law enforcement officer told the press, “he’s just playing a game of chicken now.” We’ll soon find out just how good chicken and Vaffle is. If convicted, Vaffle could face up to two years in the cooler, until he gets picked out and faces the warm, thawing light of freedom. For now Vaffle is resting easy as investigations take place. He was last seen in his own home, golden brown as always, sitting on the kitchen table next to a glass of orange juice and covering himself in syrup.
OBAMA TO SPLIT LAST YEAR OF TERM INTO TWO INSTALLMENTS
WASHINGTON—Earlier today, The White House announced that President Obama’s final year in office, starting on January 20th, 2015, will be split into two parts with a hiatus in-between. Modeled after the similar two-part finales of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and Breaking Bad, Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that the plan to split the President’s term into a two-part conclusion will drum up anticipation for the final stretch of Obama’s presidency.
“Obama is a very valuable brand to us,” reported Chief of Staff Dennis McDonough, “so we want to make sure his final chapter is tense, exciting, and rewarding. We don’t want to give up such a powerful franchise so easily.”
to the ceiling, causing it to open up when pulled. Officials say that the switch, as well as the balloons, could have been there as long as the building itself.
The decision to split Obama’s time as President will result in a 6-month presidential hiatus in which there will be no functioning executive branch of government. The plan has drawn criticism from many political commentators, who have noted the importance in having some sort of president to run the country.
Children were reportedly traumatized by the balloons that became mini Hindenburgs upon descent. The students have been regularly referring to the balloons as “murder balloons” and never want to see another balloon again. The principal, Mr. Stephens, tried to stop the fire, but was subsequently burned alive as balloons of every color of the rainbow smothered his smoldering body.
“When Obama returns to office after a 6-month drought of leadership, he’ll be more popular than ever,” said political strategist James DeVoy. “When people realize how chaotic and scary and dangerous America is without any effective leadership for six months, they will be all but begging for Obama to come back, and that’s exactly what he wants.”
“There was no way we could let an incident like that happen again,” spoke Chester Milton, one of the many researchers. “Balloons are meant for celebration. These lead only to tragedy.” While testing the alarms, Milton spoke of “countless balloons” falling from ceilings of office buildings, museums, and even the occasional party store.
The tense wait for Obama’s final half-term has led to many fan-made internet highlight reels of drone strikes and dramatic speech pauses from Obama’s past seasons.
Researchers plan to follow up with a similar study, moving toward an incident in which a light switch flipped on caused demons to descend from the clouds.
REPORT: 1 IN 3 FIRE ALARMS CAUSE BALLOONS TO FALL FROM CEILING
MAN TOLD TO HAVE A GREAT DAY DOES NOT
FITZWILLIAM, NH—A new study shows that one in every three fire alarms pulled causes several hundred colorful balloons to fall from the ceiling. The study was conducted following a fire at Red Creek Elementary school, where a small kitchen fire spread to half of the building. A cafeteria worker reportedly rushed to the fire alarm which, instead of alerting the building to the impending danger, released an abundance of balloons that spread the fire further. An inspection of the building found that the fire alarm switch was rigged
OMAHA, NE—Local man Lance Stoller was told to have a great day upon leaving work last Thursday and sources indicate that he, in fact, did not. “I hear it every day when I get into the elevator,” Stoller said. “I rarely ever do have a great day though is the thing.” Upon exiting work, Stoller reportedly dropped his briefcase, causing its content to blow away in the wind. After picking up as much as he could, Stoller realized he left his keys inside and had to go back to retrieve them. “Poor guy,” one eyewitness reported. “He was not having the best day.”
The streak continued when Lance dropped his food in the McDonald’s parking lot. “He just stood there for a while, staring at the food on the ground,” said one McDonald’s employee, “like he just didn’t know what to do.” Lance reportedly got back into his car and dejectedly ate a sandwich from his backpack intended to be the next day’s lunch. Stoller’s unfortunate streak continued when he got pulled over for running a red light. Red light cameras only three blocks from his home caught Stoller attempting to run a yellow light and just barely ended up running the red light. A police immediately pulled Stoller over outside of his home. “I felt bad for him,” said the officer. “He said he was having a really bad day, but I still had to give him the ticket.” Stoller was last seen at the end of the night, suddenly remembering that it was his birthday.
UNSUSPECTING FUTURE CANCER VICTIM ADAMANTLY AGAINST OBAMACARE
“There are a lot of complicated issues at hand, but really, I don’t want to be forced to sign up for health care when I haven’t needed it for my entire life,” said Davidson, as cancer cells have begun forming and quickly spreading around his pancreas. Davidson added that his proactive lifestyle, consisting of daily exercise, a well-balanced diet, and regular sleep schedule, helps him to avoid most illnesses, except for the malignant tumor doctors will find too late in time. “All I’m saying is that healthcare should be optional, especially for healthy folks like my son,” said Davidson’s mother, who is without a clue that her and the rest of Davidson’s family will be, in two years, devastated by the cancer that took their loved one. Davidson plans to backpack across Europe and Asia in the near future but will fail to do so as he will be strapped to the bed because of his physical ailment and financial debt that will carry on after his passing.
Jasper describes the incident as “a cottin-pickin’ mystery,” and went on to say, ”horses don’t moo, they neigh. It says so in the bible.” Town officials are now debating what to do with what is now being called, “The Mooing Horse.” “Well we’ve got a sticky pickle here,” says town mayor Greg Jasper. “We could either kill it and use its insides to see what’s got it mooin’ or we could just leave it alone.” Residents fear that riots will soon break out over the debate that would potentially damage any of the seven buildings in town. “Why would they want to hurt the horsey?” pleaded seven-year old Casey Jasper. “Why?” Other residents fear that more animals could soon be affected. Local farmer Jeff Jasper is preparing for the worst when it comes to his animals. “If I hear a sheep ‘cluck’ or a dog ‘oink,’ that’ll be the end of me and this farm,” he says. “These damn kids keep tipping my horses, thinking they’re gaddang cows!” Concerned mother Lisa-Anne Jasper is currently petitioning Fisher Price to change their “See ‘N Say” product to reflect the horse’s new behavior.
TRACY MCGRADY RETIRES NINE YEARS AFTER KNEES
OMAHA, NE—Following ongoing debates regarding President Obama’s mandatory healthcare, local citizen Henry Davidson stated his opposition to the new law despite his unknown, future demise to pancreatic cancer. Not necessarily leaning towards a political side, Davidson argues against the new law ultimately because of his current healthy habits.
ICONIUM, MO-- In what has no doubt been the most exciting event to happen to the small town of Iconium, Missouri, Old Man Jasper’s horse has mooed. The incident occurred Wednesday afternoon, during the annual “Change of Horse Relay Race,” right before the horse in question, Felicity, took her lap. Eyewitness reports say that the horse looked up to sky and let out a clear and distinct “moo.”
LOS ANGELES -- Former NBA player and seven-time All-Star Tracy McGrady hung up his sneakers on Wednesday, as he officially announced his retirement from the sport, a mere nine years after his knees hung up their pads. “It was just time,” McGrady said of his decision. “Basketball is my favorite sport. I like dribbling up and down the court. However, dribbling up and down the court gets to be real difficult when your knees are vacationing in Florida.” McGrady’s knees famously retired in 2004, leaving one of the best players in the world without a reliable base to land on when soaring for his tubular dunks. He attempted to drag his kneeless legs around in China for a
season, but found no success. While McGrady has no plans for the immediate future, his knees have been offered a spot on the TNT halftime show, alongside Shaquille O’Neal’s feet and Charles Barkley’s body.
SMALL TOWN IN ANGOLA THINKS “THE MATRIX” WAS A DOCUMENTARY
ANGOLA—The recent showing of the 1999 hit “The Matrix” resulted in disaster for the small village of Didimbo, Angola. Mission workers and volunteers seemed to had forgotten to tell the townspeople that the film was not a film based off of true events before showing it. “The townspeople were going crazy, said Father Jenkins after the chaos. “People just weren’t sure what to believe.” The villagers were reportedly taking to the larger towns, destroying anything that had a plug in it. Several bazaar owners have begun selling small blue pills, claiming that the consumer can escape this world, while other shop owners offer the red pill, inviting customers to venture further down the Nyaki Rat Hole. Townsman Djembi Nanjiani shared his confusion after viewing the film. “How were we left unaware of this tragedy? The people of Angola were left in the dark while the rest of the world was being controlled by machines?” Shrines to Keanu Reaves’ character, Neo, have been erected all around the village. Families were reported to make daily prayers to Reeves’ statue in an attempt to be saved from something like “The Matrix” from ever coming to Didimbo.
It seems that the volunteers in Didimbo have got their work cut out for them. Further precautions will need to be employed for next week’s showing of “Planet of The Apes.”
”DANCING WITH THE STUMPS” NEW HIT FOR PARAPLEGIC DANCE FANS
MAN SETTLES FOR PROSTHETIC HAND JOB NEW YORK—Quietly sitting on the couch in his apartment, Doug Mohica tearfully recalls the unsatisfying and overall bleak hand job given by local prostitute, Amira Fadil, in what he describes as, “The worst experience of [his] life.”
HOLLYWOOD, CA—This Fall Season, Dancing with the Stumps had the highest ratings in television history. Though no one is quite sure how they do it, the newest stars of television are the paraplegic contestants. Judge Jim Cleveland says, “These guys are so talented. Even without arms or legs, they find ways to not only win competitions, but win over our hearts.”
Prostitute Amira Fadil lost her arm through the fighting in her home country, Bahrain. Despite her condition, Fadil remains confident in her ability to give a proper hand job. When asked for comment, she stated, “The secret’s in the angle. See where the joint connects to the elbow? The trick is to make sure that when I’m moving my prosthetic, I don’t pinch the joint or my arm locks up.” Fadil noted that as a whole, she only rarely finds difficulty matching intimacy with her prosthetic limb. Fadil expressed her belief that she performed a “new personal best” as her prosthetic only fell off once.
The show has professional dancers assist the paraplegic contestants with the different dance moves. This upcoming week’s theme is “Salsa Hip Hop,” which was especially exciting for the contestants that were familiar with the moves. “I was always a huge fan of salsa dancing, especially when I had legs,” said Katrina Hughes. “Even though most people feel bad for me, I think of myself as a serious athlete. Life without legs is even better than life with legs!” she said confidently, later wheeling away to stare at her old dance pictures for an hour in her dressing room.
Checking over his shoulder for Fadil, Mohica shared his own view on the hand job. “I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to stay at half-mast with a cripple punching your dick, but I’m telling you, it’s hard keeping it up. I mean, not my dick.” Through further comments Mohica analyzed the merits of the exchange, emphasizing the “horrible squeak of the joints” and the “cold, pleasureless vice of the fist.”
The audience’s favorite part of Stumps is that no wheelchairs are allowed. Even though the paraplegic contestants have lived their lives in wheelchairs, they are challenged to “think outside the walks” as the show’s slogan claims. During dance numbers, contestants are being carried, spinning, and falling with style-and the live audience loves every moment. “This show is great! I never knew I could be so entertained by people who were less fortunate than me,” said fan Jacob Greenberg. “I love to root for my favorites, the quadriplegics! Most of them are just dragged around the floor on a string.”
At the conclusion of the interview, Mohica stated, “I know she’s right handed, but she could have just used her normal left hand.”
whole cast because of their perseverance and undeniably sassy dance moves. Other hot shows this season includes: Legally Blind, Oops! Jesus Didn’t Heal Me!, and Deaf Leppard: America’s favorite Def Leppard cover band. Be sure to tune in for the final round on Tuesday, or you’ll feel really, really bad about yourself.
SHREDDED COLLEGE APPLICATIONS FOUND IN BURGERS Little Rock, Arkansas—Residents of Little Rock have sent in complaints to finding shredded pieces of college applications in their burgers at their local McDonald’s. With the college application season coming to a close, there were pages of financial aid questionnaires and incomplete academic resumes stuffed into the patties of cheeseburgers and hamburgers alike.
“We pride ourselves on grinding all of our meat in-store, but we never expected for this to be such an immense problem.” said store manager Tom Dresden. Sources report kids these days are using the meat grinder out of frustration and defeat to shred the applications and accept their fates of forever working in the world of fast food. “I was working the fryers when I saw my old friend from high school on his winter break from college. He was so genuinely happy and majoring in political science like an actual adult that was contributing to society. I think that was the moment I knew that my dreams had changed from college graduate and future Pulitzer Prize winning author to McDonald’s store manager.” Said Tim Vance, the store’s most recent employee of the month. Although this may seem like a unique circumstance, reports from around the country show an uprising in maids flushing and clogging toilets with citizenship forms as well.
Although there are only a few quadriplegic contestants, the polls find that they are the most popular of the
Household Appliances You Can Store Bees In • • • • • •
Britta filter (25 ½ bees)
• • • •
Dehumidfier (35 very wet bees)
Batman to Play Ben Affleck With the recent announcement of renowned actor Batman being casted as Ben Affleck, criticism was quickly raised by fans everywhere, especially on Twitter.
Whirlpool Large Capacity Dryer (528 bees) Fridge (966 bees) Leaf blower (-462 bees) Blender (0 live bees; 200 calorie bee smoothie) Bee-Shaped Cookie Jar (36, not counting the cookie jar bee itself) Great-grandmother’s urn (30 bees) Garbage Disposal Unit (40 Shredded Bees) Wife’s Mouth (AS MANY AS POSSIBLE)
Best Places To Hide A Body At DePaul
Ray Meyer Center, Men’s Changing Room, Locker #0345
• • • • • •
3rd Floor Student Center Utility Closet
Aren’t we all just dying bodies?
Clifton-Fullerton Hall, Room 637 (Ask for “D”) Under that one bush in the Quad Inside the oven at “Sizzle” 3rd Pew at St. Vincent DePaul Church Underneath front desk at the DePaul Welcome Center.
“Bible says nothin’‘bout teabagging” By The Dr. Reverend Eric Albom
Did you know there’s nothing against teabagging in the bible? Absolutely nothing! As a scroto-biblical historian, this is a topic that really grabs my interest. This is an unprecedented find, for certain! Well, I may be getting ahead of myself. For those who aren’t in the know, “teabagging” is the act of lowering one’s scrotum onto a partner’s face. It’s a time honored tradition, usually enacted to show dominance. (E.g , Cain totally teabagged Abel.) Anyway, I’ve flipped through the Book of Leviticus in particular, since that whole thing is such a downer. For as much as it puts the axe to, teabagging ain’t on that list. I’m not sure if the book of Leviticus was written by Moses or the Levites, but from what I hear, ‘ol Moses was a great purveyor of the nut slap. He’d sit each of his wives down in a row, then jog over and slap ‘em with the discount cashews if you know what I mean. He may have hated a lot of things, but he sure loved to spill the Planters, and why wouldn’t he? Even the bible knows you can’t deny people a good ball-squat. I can’t wait to get my research on this find submitted and published to the minister’s foundation, along with the other great finds of things the Bible is ok with. The guy that found out it’s totally ok to eat locusts is handing out the awards this year. Wish me luck! 9
-Dr. Reverend Albom 12
Spelling Test from a Depressed Teacher
Wait, shit. What was I going to write? By: Greg
Name: Elizabeth Parker Miss Parker’s Spelling Test Nov. 15, 2013 1. Matremonie 2. Comitmant 3. Jelosy 4. Adoltry 5. Infedelity 6. Traytor 7. Alemoney 8. Alcuholisum 9. Lonleeness 10. Prozac
I swear to god, I had this awesome idea. It was something that really stands out on the page and draws in the reader. I really wanted to write it. There was so much of an opportunity there. I even wrote a note about it on my phone to remind me, but I can’t find my phone. I’m telling you, it was really clever and had some good jokes. Augh, it’s on the tip of my tongue. If I think about other stuff I might remember. What was it… it wasn’t about the Blue Man Group or Starbucks, was it about the Syrian rebels? Nah, it definitely wasn’t that topical. I remember there was this one pun though, a real classy one, too. Good wordplay is hard to find these days. Well, when in doubt, throw some stuff around and hope for the best. I’ll pretend free association works and see what happens Awesome idea Cacti Postcards shoes Alaska Oil Desk School That’s what it was! It was a thing about these two guys reading the menu at some restaurant, and… That’s not funny. That’s fucking dumb. Fuck.
A Dog’s Debate On Where To Piss
Chicago Bears Jumbo-Tron Replaces “Kiss-Cam” With “Eat-Cam”
Freshly cleaned carpet: yes Old lady’s foot: yes Neighbor’s cat: yes Sleeping owner’s mouth: yes Fifth grader’s homework: yes Authentic Picasso Painting: yes Tombstone: yes Stale Potato Chips: yes Leftover birthday cake: yes Yesterday’s puddle of piss: yes
What You Call Your Friends vs. What Your Dad Calls Your Friends
Friend Who Happens To Be A Boy vs. Boyfriend Timothy vs. The Kid Who Didn’t Take His Shoes Off Nick vs. I Would Be Lucky To Have A Son Like Him Annoying Jerk vs. My Best Friend’s Son My Creepy Uncle vs. My Hilarious Brother Kevin vs. You’re Sitting In My Chair Miss. Cindy vs. “I Was Working Late” Benjamin vs. Ben-JAMIN’
Ask A Dad Who Stubbed His Toe Dear dad who stubbed his toe,
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas” By: A Build-A-Bear Horse Incorrectly Given A Santa Voice
My girlfriend has been distant lately and I don’t know why. We went to the restaurant we ate at on our first anniversary, and she barely spoke. I can’t get a word out of her these days and it’s really bothering me. Am I missing something? --Confused
Dad says: Okay, who left the toy truck there? Kevin, do you have to leave your things in the middle of the hallway!? God, look at all that blood.”
Dad who stubbed his toe,
My neighbors are vegetarians and disprove of my annual barbeque. I want to be a good neighbor, but I’m acting on my own property. How do I get them to calm down? --Beef Man
Do we have nothing but goddamn SpongeBob band-aids?. Who uses these? Now Kevin, you need to move your toys away from where everyone needs to walk. I’m not up for getting my foot smashed again. Now go to your room, we’ll sort out your punishment later.
I left my truck in the hallway. --Kevin
Where the fuck was this five minutes ago? God, this better be a bent nail and not a toe bone I’m looking at.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Have you been a good girl and/or boy this year? Don’t open until Christmas Morning! Do you know the true meaning of Christmas? Mrs. Claus and I have been working late all month making toys! I have elves do things! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Have a Holly Jolly Christmas! There’s no place like home for the holidays! I saw Mommy and/or Daddy kissing Santa Claus-- which is me! Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Shop Build-A-Bear for all your holiday needs! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Silent Night! Holy Night! I’m making a list and checking it twice! You better not pout, I’m telling you why! Santa Claus is coming to town—which is me! I’m dreaming of a white Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!
List of Women Who Won’t Have Sex With Me By: Alex Furlin
Grace Alber, Rachel Amaro, Alexis Andros, Katelyn Angelo, Melissa Arias, Emma Barner, Danielle Barsanti, Amber Benitez, Susan Binning, Erica Blassick, Katelyn Boeke, Angela Braglia, Mackenzie Brown, Tracy Buoy, Maddie Cagney, Becca Callaghan, Allison Chen, Betty Christiansen, Amanda Collins, Penelope Cook, Kristin Cotter, Evangeline Czapski, Justina Daratsianakis, Natalie Dehut, Carly Deli, Sophie Ehret, Elizabeth Ellingson, Emma Eppig, Cassandra Flones, Kathryn Fredericksen, Erin Friedman, Savannah Hagen, Allyson Hahn, Kaelyn Harvey, Cassandra Hauserman, Ashley Hayes, Samantha Hillsman, Lena Kabeshita, Lily Kappel, Kathryn Karas, We’re Alone, Mary Koczwara, Samantha Krueger, Kathryn Kusswurm, Lauren Laehn, Brenna Lannert, Kate Leahy, Masturbate Frequently, Rebecca Loess, Elizabeth Madura, Deanna Marshall, Kirsten Meltesen, Allison Moberg, Jodie Mohr, Stephanie Molitor, Jamie Laurence Mraz, Faith Nguyen, Karen Nink, Kira Nutter, Taylor O’Brien, Elizabeth Olsen, Hannah Olson, Valerie Palan, Averi Paulsen, Amanda Pflieger, Ashley Pieczko, Jason Rhee’s Mom, Marie Purcell, Stephanie Robbins, Samantha Sample, Alyson Scanlon, Ashley Schamberger, Jordan Silvers, Morgan Simon, Alexandra Smith, Megan Smith, Leanne Stahulak, Courtney Steele, Meghan Stevens, Alyssa Stewart, Grace Taylor, Dana Thompson, Madeline Webb, Emily Welch, Alexis Witt, Madison Wohlwend, Emily Yang, Megan Zenner, Grace Alber, Rachel Amaro, Alexis Andros, Katelyn Angelo, Melissa Arias, Emma Barner, Danielle Barsanti, Art Munin, Susan Binning, Erica Blassick, Disobey Your Mom, Katelyn Boeke, Murder Can Be Justified, Mackenzie Brown, Tracy Buoy, Maddie Cagney, Becca Callaghan, Allison Chen, Betty Christiansen, Amanda Collins, Penelope Cook, Kristin Cotter, Evangeline Czapski, Justina Daratsianakis, Your Parents Are Wrong, Carly Deli, Sophie Ehret, Elizabeth Ellingson, Emma Eppig, Cassandra Flones, Kathryn Fredericksen, Erin Friedman, Savannah Hagen, Allyson Hahn, Kaelyn Harvey, Cassandra Hauserman, Circumcise Yourself, Samantha Hillsman, Lena Kabeshita, Lily Kappel, Kathryn Karas, Mary Koczwara, Samantha Krueger, Kathryn Kusswurm, Lauren Laehn, Brenna Lannert, Kate Leahy, Rose Leal, Melissa Lesswing, Rebecca Loess, Elizabeth Madura, Deanna Marshall, Kirsten Meltesen, Allison Moberg, Jodie Mohr, Drugs Aren’t That Bad, Jamie Laurence Mraz, Faith Nguyen, Karen Nink, Kira Nutter, Taylor O’Brien, Elizabeth Olsen, Hannah Olson, Andreas Tsironis, Valerie Palan, Averi Paulsen, Amanda Pflieger, Ashley Pieczko, Marie Purcell, Stephanie Robbins, Samantha Sample, Alyson Scanlon, Ashley Schamberger, Jordan Silvers, Morgan Simon, Alexandra Smith, Megan Smith, Leanne Stahulak, Courtney Steele, Meghan Stevens, Alyssa Stewart, Grace Taylor, Dana Thompson, Madeline Webb, Emily Welch, Alexis Witt, Madison Wohlwend, Emily Yang, Megan Zenner. 19
“Are these allegations true?” 23
DePaul Detour comedy magazine's 14th issue