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SEPTEMBER 2013 VOLUME 795 ISSUE 796 01

President Declares Presidency a Career Move TR Thing in Middle East To Have Effect On Gas Prices TR

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Senior Citizen Finally Understands Facebook, Dies AF Baseball Team Wins League Pennant Despite Mass Shooting... JOD

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Ugly Family Has Ugly Baby AE Lifeguard Saves Dead Kid MB Hogwarts Ranked Last in Science Education for 1000th Consecutive Year TH

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Stuff You Enjoy Causes Cancer, Stuff You Hate Prevents It SA Man Hesitates Before Clicking on Black Porn JR

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Stephen Hawking Found Trapped in McDonald’s Ball Pitt MB Coroner: Murderer Stabs Victim 47 Times, 43 Unnecessary JR

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Insurance Agent Claims Bullet Wounds Were Pre-Existing Condition MA Study Finds Studies Linked to Studying VE

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Father’s Day Charged With Domestic Violence JR, MB Sex Appeal of Butthole(s) AF

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POPE DEPAUL VI’S Scott Arakawa Matt Baker Julie Benca Katherine Brown Bella Coelho Anthony Easton Victor Espeland Freddie Farid Alex Furlin Chelsea Henshaw Kay Hottel John O’Dowd Chris Osterndorf Jason Rhee Tim Rolph Rima Mandwee Constantine Pitsilos

Front Cover Design: Hannah Mathis Inside Cover: Bella Coelho Special Thanks To: Constantine Pitsilos

facebook.com/depauldetour issuu.com/depauldetour writingdepauldetour@gmail.com

10 The Time Has Come to Criminalize Vegetables VE 11

That Ass: A Tribute AF

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Biker, Banking, Knitting CO Chihuahua for Seinfeld DVDs JB

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Boy and His Mop FF

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A Plea to Kobe Bryant: Please Stop Slam Dunking My Baby AE The Second I Get Out of This Corn Maze I’m Going to Kill Everyone TR

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Can You Tell the Difference Between These 2 Photos AE

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Cut Out Contraceptive CP

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MIB Interview CO

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Orange KB

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Apple Paper Advertisement SA

DePaul University has not approved or endorsed the views expressed in this publication.

© depaul

Cute Dog Pictures KH, MB, AF, JR

. 2013. 2012. all rights reserved.


SENIOR CITIZEN FINALLY UNDERSTANDS FACEBOOK, DIES RENO, NV—Bertram Waxley, a 78 year old Korean War veteran living passed away this past Sunday, but not before he finally understood what the deal was with Facebook. Waxley, who had his Facebook page created by his grandson Freddie, never quite “got” the ubiquitous social network. Hard as Freddie tried, he couldn’t convince his grandfather to see the appeal of Statuses, photo-sharing, and poking.

AROUND TOWN PRESIDENT DECLARES PRESIDENCY A CAREER MOVE WASHINGTON—In a surprising turn of events Wednesday, President Obama stopped mid-speech and began to informally address the crowd, abandoning his scripted announcements. “Over the next 4 months, we plan to decrease spending, and, and…in turbulent economic times such as these, we must, we must, we...What am I saying? What am I even doing here? This isn’t what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to sing. I wanted to dance. I wasn’t the best, but I could’ve been good, could’ve bussed tables and done it on the side until I got a break. Yeah, it’d be hard, but I’d be doin what I love. Instead...instead I’m here. Doing this. Whatever this even is. I guess I thought it’d get me somewhere. Excuse me.” The President’s aides reported that he then retired to the Oval Office with several cartons of Ben and Jerry’s, humming along to Fred Astaire musicals.

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THING IN MIDDLE EAST TO HAVE EFFECT ON GAS PRICES In light of the recent thing in the Middle East, economists are predicting that consumers will soon be spending a different amount when filling up their vehicles. Yale Professor of International Economics, Sterling Rommel: “Because of recent happenings, there are certainly going to be quantifiable financial ramifications for the cost of petrol.” This opinion seems to be unanimous. Secretary of the Treasury John Bastion: “Considering recent developments, the dollar amount currently associated with gasoline is definitely going to fluctuate in a direction.” When asked whether prices will increase or decrease, Bastion, by all accounts, pretended not to hear the question: “I’m sorry, what was that? You’re going to have to speak up. Sorry, still can’t hear you, and now we’re out of time.” Rommel, when pressed, knocked a large stack of papers off his desk, and by the time of their settling had vanished.

“Back in my day, we had the Cold War and sexism,” Waxley would often nonsensically comment, to the confusion of his history- ignorant grandchildren. “Grandpa always thought computers were the work of the devil,” Freddie told Detour reporters. “I told him that everyone uses it, and he told me that he watched his buddies die in the mud so that Don Draper could have a character backstory, not for me to like my friend’s status.” That all changed last Sunday, however, when Waxley decided to log onto his Facebook account for the first time after creating it. After being entertained by updates and photos from his family, he “liked” his niece’s wedding photo, and that’s when it clicked. He managed to successfully “poke” two of his daughters and updated his Education information to “Back in my day, we didn’t have no fancy colleges, we had guns and cigarettes”. The excitement, however, was too much for his pacemaker-assisted heart to handle, and he suffered cardiac arrest immediately after posting his first status, “sup niggas lol”. He will be missed.

BASEBALL TEAM WINS LEAGUE PENNANT DESPITE MASS SHOOTING IN THE SEVENTH INNING

MURRAY, ID—Central High School’s baseball team, the Pirates, scored a stunning victory last Sunday, winning against their rivals despite a majority of their team being ruthlessly gunned down by an insane gunman in the seventh inning. At the start of the eighth, the Pirates were down three runs and half a dozen players with a potential loss in sight. To make matters worse, second baseman Michael Dawson’s glove tore at the seams shortly after shots were fired, leading to a costly error that would allow two base runners to reach home plate. “It was a tough inning to get through,” said Dawson, 14. “My mom had a backup glove in her car though ‘cause this was, like, the second time this has happened.” When asked about the thrilling game, surviving shortstop Henry Livingston said, “It sucks that six of my best friends are dead, but shucks, I gave it my best, and knowing that we won fair and square is the best feeling of all!” Livingston stepped in as backup after starting shortstop George Jacobs passed away due to severe blood loss. “Between Elton’s shin splints, the crazy guy with the gun killing people, and Mikey’s glove, we really had to come together and prove that we could overcome adversity.” He added, “That’s what sports are all about.” There will be a memorial service for the ripped glove this Sunday at Brown’s Funeral Home.

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UGLY FAMILY HAS UGLY BABY

WAPAKONETA, OHIO—In a disgusting disgrace to humanity, local residents Wilfred and Wilma Patunzki have reportedly given life to yet another ugly child. “Most babies are unconditionally cute by definition,” said town Pastor James O’Leary, “but these assholes keep finding a way to not only mate, but also swap creative fluids of childbirth. And let me emphasize – these babies are fucking ugly.” The Patunzkis are known to suffer from Jocelyn Wildenstein Syndrome, often called Holy-shit-what-the-fuckis-wrong-with-your-face Disease. Despite pleads from medical professionals, family, and so-called “friends”, the Patunzkis insisted on procreating numerous times, often to the dry-upheaval of nurses and doctors in the delivering room – so much to the point where the family has been banned from the hospital. “We just love each other,” Wilfred Patunzki said in an interview in the complete darkness. “I just don’t understand what the problem is. My wife and I love each other so much that it’s almost too much. We wanted to bring children into this world to experience the love. It’s the greatest feeling in the world, being a parent.” Upon hearing the interview, Pastor O’Leary added, “If those two can experience love, even in the slightest, minutest of forms, then there is no God.”

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LIFEGUARD SAVES DEAD KID

VIENNA, VA—Local lifeguard Shawn Sanders partially saved young Eric Marshall this morning, heroically pulling Marshall’s lifeless body out of the kiddie pool’s three feet of water. Sanders was reportedly changing the song he was listening to on his iPhone when he noticed a visibly startled and unnerved crowd growing by the pool. After deciding to listen to Owl City, Sanders was begrudgingly forced by the crowd to selflessly remove young Marshall from the pool. Sanders unflinchingly waited for his body to acclimate to the cold water, then waded to the center of the tiny pool. Sanders then honorably removed the deflated water wing from Marshall’s left arm and skillfully fished him out of the pool. After a long trek carrying Marshall’s small unmoving frame to the dumpster near the changing room, Sanders decided to listen to LCD Soundsystem instead.

HOGWARTS RANKED LAST IN SCIENCE EDUCATION FOR 1000TH CONSECUTIVE YEAR ENGLAND—Hogwarts was ranked last in nationwide standardized testing for the 100th year in a row. The student’s scores in science and math are consistently far below any other primary or secondary school in England. Barry Woldorph, current head of the academic advisory board, says that the low scores are due to a combination of problems. “First off, the school doesn’t have a proper

science department,” said Woldorph. “Their scores are excellent in potion making and defense against the dark arts, but they lack rudimentary knowledge of basic chemistry and physics.” Many Hogwarts graduates feel frustrated during job interviews when they are turned away simply because they came from Hogwarts. “My resumé might as well have said I studied under You Know Who” said Argus Filch, a longtime caretaker at Hogwarts. “I graduated with a degree in Transfiguration. Needless to say there aren’t a lot of jobs out there that allow me to completely change the makeup of one entity into another. Plastic surgery was a close fit, but I didn’t have my medical license, so I came back here.” These academic shortcomings are having a negative effect in the muggle world, as wizards and witches are almost instantly identifiable in conversation at their complete lack of common knowledge, making it hard for them to fit into regular society. “I can’t even hold a menial trade job like a car repairman or an electrician,” said Larry Crotter, who didn’t want to use his real name for privacy purpose. “I mean, I don’t even know how to change a light bulb. Hogwarts only had floating candles.” Crotter added rather bitterly that the only job he can get is at a costume shop creating “Harry Potter” costumes.

STUFF YOU ENJOY CAUSES CANCER, STUFF YOU HATE PREVENTS IT

“This was a difficult decision. The FDA recognizes how much people enjoy to do the things they enjoy to do, but the FDA’s responsibility is to inform the public about the harmful effects those activities have on their health.” The risks of doing the things you enjoy, include heart disease, diabetes, obesity, brain damage, sexually transmitted diseases, joint pain, depression, high blood pressure, lacerations, memory loss, loss of hearing, loss of vision, and all forms of cancer including: lung, stomach, liver, throat, mouth, prostate, breast, and skin. The report also contains an 80 page opinion about the cancer preventing benefits of doing things you hate. Things that people hate have been found to almost completely reverse the effects of the things that people enjoy. “These findings combat the numerous conflicting and vague reports covering the benefits and harms of various aspects of modern life. Ultimately, it will make it easier for the public to identify what will kill them.”

MAN HESITATES BEFORE CLICKING ON BLACK PORN

The FDA reported that the stuff you enjoy doing, eating, and drinking causes cancer and the stuff that you hate doing, eating and drinking prevents it. FDA Commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg, M.D., said today she is revoking the agency’s approval of things people enjoy after concluding that these things have not been shown to be safe and effective for preventing cancer and a host of other disorders.

LANCASTER, PA—While browsing around on a pornographic website late Friday night, 28-year-old James Hoffman hovered his cursor over a

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link to an “ebony” video for a few seconds, feeling a sense of uncertainty and fear. Though unclear what the reason was for thinking twice before viewing sexual intercourse between two African-Americans, it was brought up by experts that Hoffman may have hesitated because of the fact that he is more accustomed to porn featuring solely Caucasians performers. “It is normal behavior to feel skeptical, as a person would, if they ate ham sandwiches for their entire childhood and was suddenly handed a turkey breast sub to have for lunch?” said white analyst Daniel Yates. When asked to comment on the matter, Hoffman stated that he wanted everyone to know “it wasn’t a race thing” and that he has multiple black acquaintances at his workplace. “I just don’t feel like black porn is my kind of thing, you know? I like things that I can relate to more. I mean, not in that way. Can you edit that part out?” Hoffman said. Hoffman added that he was willing to be open-minded, mentioning he recently saw an adult film starring a black actress and a white male, before clicking over to his favorite video, “Young Doris Ivy Anal Fucked By 5 Santas.”

STEPHEN HAWKING FOUND TRAPPED IN MCDONALD’S BALL PIT Lancaster, PA—When worldrenowned theoretical physicist and author Stephen Hawking visited a local McDonald’s yesterday morning to purchase an order of fries, he accidentally started a county-wide manhunt. Hawking was reportedly disheartened with McDonalds’ fries, as they don’t adhere to his strict diet of no gluten or vegetable oil. In an absent-minded moment of a

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misplaced bout of childish wonder, Hawking decided he would drive his chair into the restaurant’s ball pit, causing him to be trapped among the many plastic balls and old, half-teethed, uneaten fries for 11 hours. Hawking was eventually found by shift manager Bobby Winslow when Mr. Winslow was cleaning the trash cans adjacent to the ball pit. Hawking had been admiring one of the plastic balls, later referring to it as a “moldable organic polymer representing a bastion of perfect spherical form”, when his nose hit a stray diaper lost in the ball pit. The soiled diaper in contact with his nose caused Hawking to wretch uncontrollably. As Hawking’s personally designed text to speech computer is controlled by the flexing of his cheek muscles, the computer let out “Jesus *hrrk* fucking Christ why would you… seriously, *hakk*, fuck!” Shocked by the sounds from the ball pit, shift manager Winslow investigated the children’s ball pit to find Hawking trapped and covered in a mixture of his own vomit and children’s feces. Using rope and all available staff, Hawking was finally rescued. The physicist has since used the experience as an example of “spatial relativity within the flow of time.” Somewhere, someone understands what he’s getting at.

CORONER: MURDERER STABS VICTIM 47 TIMES, 43 UNNECESSARY SARASOTA, FL—Prosecutors in the murder trial of David Yates called medical examiner Rick Simon to the stand today, who revealed that Yates’s girlfriend, Jessica Howard, was stabbed 47 times, 43 of them deemed “unnecessary.” Simon was first to investigate Howard’s body at the scene of the crime, his report concluding that only four quick stabbings — “maybe less”

— would have been needed to end Howard’s life. “The extraneous jabs to the thighs and calves are not the prime physical locations of the body to target.” Simon calmly said. “It is rather foolish to stab someone in a place that is not their heart, neck or ears if you have hopes to commit murder.” Simon added helpful tips to his court statement. “If one were to commit this horrific crime again but more effectively, Yates should have inserted the knife into the back of Howard’s neck and twisted in a counterclockwise direction—all in one quick motion. This would have severed her spinal cord and ended her life much sooner, allowing for more time to escape from authorities. Following the medical examiner’s testimony, the prosecution immediately dropped the case on David Yates, failing to bring justice to Jessica Howard’s life, simply in hopes to avoid further interactions with Rick Simon.

INSURANCE AGENT CLAIMS BULLET WOUNDS WERE PRE-EXISTING CONDITION LOS ANGELES—The Jenkins family was shocked when they recently found out their insurance would not cover their son’s hospital bill after suffering injuries due to a drive-by shooting. State Farm insurance company claims the bullet wounds the boy is recovering from are just a pre-existing condition. Father and husband Paul Jenkins is upset as he does not recollect his child having gun shells in his chest until after the drive-by incident. “I mean it could’ve been there,” states Paul. “I just don’t have any proof I suppose.”

The uncertainty is the argument at which the insurance company looks to stand behind. They claim that if the Jenkins family can come up with evidence that the holes in their son’s chest were not present previous to the hospital visit, then they would gladly pay for his treatment and recovery. Until that day comes, there is nothing the company can do, as there have been a high number of similar insurance scams in the past. The Jenkins family State Farm agent was unavailable for comments, as sources report he was too busy telling a widow she wouldn’t receive life insurance from her husband’s death because he hadn’t truly “lived.”

STUDY FINDS STUDIES LINKED TO STUDYING URBANA, IL—A new study published by the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign confirmed the long-suspected link between studying and studies. Studies, the scientific discipline of uncovering new information through experimentation, are now confirmed to exist only after studying has taken place. Dr. Rosenthal, the frazzle-haired lead studier for the study, studied studies that studied studying habits for six years before coming to the revelatory new conclusion.

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“Studying and studies are inherently intertwined, as explained by the results of our new study study, Studying Studying Studies”, Rosenthal said in a confused daze. Rosenthal went on to publicly invite all people to study his study study because, in his words, “the very act of studying the study confirms that you have to study study studies by studying them. “Studying studying studies inherently proves our Studying Studying Studies hypothesis that studying studies necessitates studying studying studies,” Rosenthal explained as blood ran down his nose and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. Dr. Rosenthal’s die-hard commitment to studying studies sadly took its toll on his mind and body, and he passed away mysteriously on February 13, 2013. His body is currently being studied by university medical students for the cause of death.

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FATHER’S DAY CHARGED WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MONTH OF MAY—Trouble hit early in the beginning of May, when husband, Father’s Day, had been taken in by police for domestic abuse charges after authorities were alerted to the household. It was reported that after a night of drinking at a local bar, Father’s Day came home inebriated and began screaming at his spouse at 4 in the morning. Noise complaints from neighbor Slovenian Independence Day caused multiple police officers to investigate the household, arriving to find Mother’s Day in the kitchen, bloody and beaten unconsciously by the hands of Father’s Day. Children’s Day was found in the corner of a locked bathroom holding onto a cell phone, as Mother’s Day ordered him to stay in there for his own safety. It was claimed that the violence started when Father’s Day became enraged after Mother’s Day accused him of having an affair with Secretary’s Day.

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Cute Dog Pictures to Get You Over Your Mother’s Death

Surfer pup says, “Chill brah, she’s on a gnarly beach in Heaven”

The Time Has Come to Criminalize Vegetables by A Six-Year-Old Boy

Look at this pug! You already forgot your mom died yesterday!

My fellow young people, I write to you today to rally against the epidemic of substance abuse tearing our nation’s youth apart, but I speak not of marijuana, nor of cocaine, or of jenkem, but rather, of vegetables.

Emotional eating over your loss is okay when a puppy is there to help!

Make sure you don’t eat this hot dog dog!

For too long, children have been strapped to their high chairs, forced with the threat of grounding to eat these vile shrubberies, and what do we have to show for it? Better vision? Stronger bones? False! These are but myths perpetrated by the adult menace. We’ve seen the propaganda everywhere—from Popeye’s spinach to the relentless indoctrination of Veggie Tales—and we will no longer fall prey. Therefore, I call upon Congress to take the righteous path and criminalize the possession, consumption, and sale of all vegetables. While Big Veggie interest groups may stand in there way, I pray Congress can ignore their deep pockets and do what is right for our nation’s children.

This dog has glasses just like hers. Good choice, dog. 9

Let’s face the facts—9 out of 10 cases of adult-on-child violence arise from vegetable related disputes. Millions of America’s children go malnourished every year, forced to eat vegetables instead of the candy they need to survive. Not to mention the thousands of pets that die every year from eating the vegetables children pass to them under the table. Do not listen to the pundits, parents, and pundit parents who tell you that vegetables are “healthy,” and part of a “balanced diet.” This pseudoscience can no longer be tolerated. It is up to us children to stand united, picketing way past our bedtimes in the kitchen where this very atrocity takes place. Vegetables are a threat to our humanity. They are icky and taste weird.

Woops. This was not supposed to be here.

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That Ass: A Poem In Tribute

Knitting, DePaul Banking & Group Biker Gang It’s important for a diverse school like DePaul to also have diversity in its clubs. And no club is more diverse that The DePaul Knitting, Banking, and Biker Gang Group. The DePaul Knitting, Banking, and Biker Gang Group, aka The KBBGG, takes alliteration and party-hard motorcycle riding to another level. “We open every meeting with a discussion about finances,” says gang ringleader Chester Huffington. “Let’s face it—if you don’t have your money in the bank in this economy, you probably also rode the short-bus to school. Once night comes, we usually get our bikes and ride, wearing our hand-knitted scarves, of course. We use a lot of blunt objects and stuff. And old bread. I HAVE SO MUCH OLD BREAD! I think one guy had a gun once but he’s serving life in prison now, or something. I don’t know, I think he might be dead.” If you’re looking for a club so tough the DePaul Amateur Policeman called them “inhumane,” these are the guys for you.

Denim clings tight to the warmth of your skin but it dips just below your delicate waist the image floods my eyes and everything is at peace the top of your thong peeking through like a child curious about what’s behind the curtains i’m not curious about any curtains but i am curious about your ass that ass i want to touch that ass i want to feel it in my grasp i want to have sex with you please

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Winner Of ‘Best Writing’ At Princeton Humor Conference 2011

A Boy & His Mop In 1863

A Plea To Kobe Bryant: Please Stop Slam Dunking My Baby

Dear Moppy Who No Longer Mops Things Up, You Was My Best Friend, I’m so sorry, Moppy but I’m gonna have to take you out back and put you down. It’s the only respectable thing to do. I didn’t want to believe Pa when he told me, but you just ain’t the same mop you used to be. You just don’t mop up no mo.

Mr. Bryant, I understand that the NBA has confiscated all basketballs due to the lockout and that they’ve made “ballin” currently illegal. However, I must assure you that the amount of brain damage my child has received since you have been tomahawking, reversing, and alley-ooping him has extremely hindered his future development as a walking billboard.

Pa said you could stay if you got better at moppin’ so I prayed real hard for you. Then I tried to mop up. You pushed the water around some, but no moppin’. No sir, no moppin’. Then Pa said you could stay if I stopped spillin’ everywhere. So I went to an etiquette school in the hopes of curbin’ my spillin’ but they kicked me out for spillin’. Why’d they offer me juice, Moppy? I figure I’d ask, ‘cause you always had the answers for everythang. When I scraped my knee – you was there, moppin’ up my cry. When I lost my leg – you was there, pretendin’ I had a mop for a leg. When Pa sold me into slavery and bought me back when he sobered up – you was there, first to greet me when I got home. I love you, Moppy, I’ll never forget you! Just like I’ll never forget that wolf who ate my leg!

However, I must admit that the between the legs, reverse double clutch jam of my baby was rather sick)

I miss petting you, too. So damp. And in the summer time, so dry. We’d sun bathe together all day, Moppy, just countin’ the clouds. Flat on our backs we was, you couldn’t tear us apart. Then we’d go to the river just to soak stuff up. And we’d sing, too. “Soak it up / Ring it out / Do it again / My Mom is dead / River River River River.”

Thank you.

I remember when Ma died and Pa brought you home for me. He said, “You’re the woman of the house now. And I don’t want to live in no shit, you hear?” I looked up at his big blue eyes and clutched you to my chest. I’d never seen a mop so perfect. Pa took notice and said, “Ain’t nothin’ can separate a boy from his mop.” He tussled your hair and mine, then he laid down, drunk, spillin’ everywhere. That’s when I knew how useful you were. Warm and beautiful and useful. But something can separate a boy from his mop. Me. A bad boy. A bad, mop happy little boy, who wanted nothin’ but to spill and mop and sing, just like any other boy. That’s why I’s so sorry, Moppy. Because it’s my fault you don’t mop up no mo. I over mopped. I’d spill just so we could mop together. I didn’t know it’d make you old and smelly and not so soaky. So I promise you this, Moppy, when the Lord finally takes me I promise to spill in Heaven so we can mop again. Sing, too. So I leave this letter with you, Moppy, and I’ll always be in your heart. I want you to know that you’re never alone, and now, I’ll give you the proper burial. With the other mops. Floyd Clayton Jr. September 1, 1863

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Sincerely, Meredith L. Donovonn

The Second I Get Out Of This Corn Maze I’m Going to Kill EVERYBODY Sure, I’ve been in here for hours but don’t any of you think for even a second that I’ve cooled off in the meantime, and in fact, I’m just as mad as I ever was if not even ANGRIER because goddamnit I’ve been wandering around this hellhole all day but I think this is it, the way out’s right here in front of me, just left left right right GODDAMNIT ANOTHER DEAD END. Alright, that’s fine because I know the real way out is just over

here. I’ve tried every other route so this one’s gotta be it, and oh man, I can’t wait to just start stabbing everybody responsible for this prank. Mark my words: I’ll do it. Just right right right left FUCKING HELL THERE ISN’T EVEN AN EXIT, IS THERE? GAHHH I OUGHT TO JUST MACHINEGUN MY WAY OUT OF HERE and remember, when I get out YOU’RE ALL DEAD.

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Can You Tell The Difference Between These 2 Photos?

ANSWERS: 1. The vest in the second picture has sleeves. | 2. Snowmen can’t live in the Amazon | 3. Mickey Rooney is three feet, two inches in the first picture, and in the second, he is three feet, five inches. | 4. I’m desperate for attention. 15

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INTERVIEWS

michael ian black

Detour: What is it like being so much better looking than Michael Showalter? MIB: I’m not. Girls like me, but they go crazy over him… Girls never ask me to sign their boobies or anything. Detour: You were born in Chicago but you live in Connecticut now. Do you like coming back to town? MIB: Well, I only lived here very briefly, in my first few years of life, and then I moved to New Jersey, but I always have considered Chicago my hometown. And that’s not true, what I just told you, that I consider it my hometown, but I figure I might as well pander to a Chicago audience. Detour: Both Stella and The State have a huge, legendary reputation. Is there a specific combination that makes those shows work? MIB: Well, you could certainly argue that Stella didn’t work, because it was canceled after one season. But, the only thing that I think they share is that there is a real distinct point of view of both of them. I think they were both true to their own voices, and I think when you do that, it tends to be more memorable than when it’s a little more broadbased. Unfortunately the more broad-based stuff also tends to be the more successful stuff.

. . . African Americans are incarcerated

at nearly six times the rate of whites

. . . African Americans now constitute

nearly 1 million of the total 2.3 million incarcerated population

Detour: Do you have a favorite between performing and writing? MIB: Well, they’re kind of the same thing to me. I can’t really separate the m. I mean, it’s fun to just be an actor, and to just show up. Because you get paid really well, and you don’t have to work very hard. But in terms of creative fulfillment, I would say writing is more satisfying. In terms of financial fulfillment, acting is more satisfying. Detour: One thing people still remember you from is Wet Hot American SUmmer. There are some other tremendous comic talents in that movie, between Molly Shannon, Amy Poehler, and Janeane Garofolo. Do you mind talking about that experience again? MIB: Well, first of all, David Wain and MIchael Showalter wrote it and put it together. I was just an actor on it. but I was try happy to be involved in it, because as you said, there were so many great people in it. People you didn’t mention, like Bradley Cooper, Paul Rudd, Judah Friedlander had a small part in that movie, David Hyde Pieree. It was just amazing people, top to bottom, so I felt really lucky to just be in it. Because I think I probably had the clearest sense out of anybody, even though I didn’t share it, of how this film would do. Which is, it would bomb at the box office, and go on to have a very successful life afterwards once people sort of found it. It’s the same thing as The State or Stella. It’s got its own, very distinct point of view, and you’re either on board with it or you’re not, and over time, it seems like a fair amount of people have gotten on board with it.

.. . One in six black men had been incarcerated

as of 2001. If current trends continue, one

in three black males born today can expect to spend time in prison during his lifetime . . . Orange fruits contain an excellent amount of potassium and calcium!

What advice do you have for comedy writers and performers, and for this magazine? Eat your vegetables. And write what you think is funny, not what you think other people will think is funny. That would be my only, and best advice. Be true, to thyself. And rape jokes are always funny.

*sources from USDA 17

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Best Of Issue - October 2013  

A compilation of DePaul Detour comedy magazine's best material over the past 3 years.

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