GOSPEL OF GORE WITH THE REVEREND JEFF JUGULAR Join Reverend Jeff Jugular as he praises the virtues of living a life filled with subversive cinema. He will help cleanse your soul of the boring megaplex madness by suggesting the very best and worst in horror/ cult cinema. Have you ever liked something you felt guilty about? Have you ever loved something only to have everyone tell you that what you love is bad for you? I’m sure you have. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s OK. Don’t be ashamed. Love what you love. I’ve heard the saying, “If you love someone, set them free.” Well, I prefer my grandpappy’s old adage: “If you love someone, clock them over the head and lock them in your basement.” You see, I love bad girls—wicked women, horrid honeys. I’m not ashamed to admit it. Some dudes are attracted to hair or eyes or legs or whatever—I’m drawn to females whose attributes are mean, rotten, nasty, and deranged. There are all kinds of bad and a whole lot of different flavors of crazy, but I don’t discriminate. They all fall in the same deep fried bucket of fun. The world of cinema is filled with demented dames. Here are a few of my personal favorites.
I Like them Mean with a side of CRAZY
Baby Jane Hudson • Actress: Bette Davis • (1962) Baby Jane Hudson is an ex-vaudeville child star whose youth and fame are now but a faded memory. She now resides in an old Hollywood mansion caring for her crippled sister, Blanche, who was once a popular teen idol movie actress. When the public starts showing an interest in Blanche’s old films, Baby Jane’s jealousy is unleashed. Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, whose disdain for each other was well-documented, are perfectly cast as the aging sisters. Davis gives one of terror cinema’s greatest performances as Baby Jane, filling the role with sorrow, fury, madness and sadistic glee. It’s a bombastic, brave and unhinged portrayal. The scene of Baby Jane singing her long forgotten hit while dressed as a little girl is divinely disturbing. Featuring superb black and white cinematography and grand performances from two iconic actresses from Hollywood’s golden age, this '60s shocker is not to be missed.
Stirba • Actress: Sybil Danning • Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985) This is not a good movie. It’s not a bad movie either. It’s a movie that exists in its own mind-numbing realm—so awful and awesome at the same time, it is basically ripping at the fabric of reality. Let’s focus on the awesome, Sybil Danning as Stirba, queen of the werewolves. Watch Sybil Danning as Stirba parade around in a black leather outfit left over from a Judas Priest music video while chanting lycanthrope incantations. Watch Sybil Danning as Stirba use her werewolf magic to overheat a poor chap’s head until his eyes explode. Watch Sybil Danning as Stirba have a were-threesome. Watch Sybil Danning as Stirba command a vampire bat to rape a priest’s mouth. Watch Sybil Danning as Stirba engage in a laser light battle with Christopher Lee. All of those reasons are great, but the real reason to watch is Sybil Danning and her glorious knockers. golden age, this '80s shocker is not to be missed.
Ilsa • Actress: Dyanne Thome • Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS (1975) I love a woman in uniform, and if said woman is a busty, oversexed Nazi into severe S&M, well, sign me up. Ubersultry Dyanne Thorne is Ilsa, the top commander at a Nazi death camp. Her mission is to prove that women can withstand more pain than men, thus making better soldiers. The poor prisoners at the camp are her unfortunate test subjects. Ilsa also has a voracious sexual appetite and works her way through various prisoners, trying to find someone who can satisfy her desires. Those who are not up to the task are quickly sent off to have their balls lopped off. However, she meets her match in a strapping blond American prisoner. Ilsa subjects her victims to flogging, castration and some sort of electrified dildo torture device. It’s Naziploitation cinema at its finest. Even though Ilsa appears to perish at the end of the film, fear not, she returns for two sequels. Sieg Heil!
Asami Yamazaki • Actress: Eihi Shiina • (1999) You know what they say about those shy, quiet types. They may appear all demur and innocent, but let me tell you, they usually have some pretty big skeletons in their closets. In the case of Asami Yamazaki from Takashi Miike’s Audition, it’s more like a goddamn graveyard. I would really hate to summarize the plot of this picture, for I believe this is one of those films where viewers should go in as fresh as possible—the less you know about the film the better. Just let Miike take you on a beautiful ride through twists and turns, dark tunnels and finally over the edge. All I will say is that Asami, played wonderfully by Eihi Shiina, is one of the most beautiful, captivating, fucked up bitches ever committed to celluloid.