WHAT THE PRIMEMINISTER SHOULD HAVE SAID: The press sit waiting for the Primeminister to arrive and address the riots in London and the rest of the UK. He strolls in, scowl on his face. Tan lines where sunglasses have obviously been. JOURNALIST Primeminister can I... PRIME MINISTER Shut the fuck up! He glances around. PRIME MINISTER (CONT’D) Right, what camera are we on? One? One? Yes sir?
PRIME MINISTER One... one... Great. Lets start this shit... Okay. So first things first. My holidays been interrupted so I’m fucking vex out here, understand? One minute man’s sitting on a beach bumping some Skepta tracks and next ting... The deputy Prime minister is belling me up telling me about riots on the streets... I lowed it for a few days, didn’t even put on sky news or CNN cos the wife was giving me some holiday pussy. You know that shit’s the best and I don’t get much these days cos I’m busy and shit, but she likes me to switch off and deal wit it. And also I thought my man could handle it, but obviously there’s a reason that bitch is a deputy Primeminister and I’m the guy that makes the big bucks... (Shouts to someone off stage) Yo! Clegg! Make me a coffee bitch! (pause) So anyway, now that I’m back, here’s how shit’s gonna go down... All you rioting pricks who think that you run the streets... Listen up fam, You don’t run shit... I run shit. The streets ain’t yours. They’re mine. All your ends are my ends ya understand, and man’s not having this. (MORE)
2. PRIME MINISTER (CONT'D) You man are not serious thinking you can take the piss outta man like this... So hear what now. Mans calling in 16000 boydem to come for you. Not man to shoot innocents, that was fucked up and they’ll get theirs, but man that catch you red handed and fuck your shit up... then I’m sending in the riot police, shields, dog, horse, everyting. Then man’s bringing in them Spanish police that will straight bust ya head and not even understand your pleas for them to stop and finally if you ain’t fixed up by then man’s sending in the army with tanks and shit... I’m on some tiananmen square madness out here for you. Questions? A journalist puts his hand up. JOURNALIST Mr Prime minister. What?
JOURNALIST Don’t you think that is a bit excessive? PRIME MINISTER What? Who is this dickhead..? Who are you? JOURNALIST Tom from the News of the... sorry I mean the sun. PRIME MINISTER Listen... if these fuckers are old enough to start a fire on someone else’s shit then they’re old enough to take a rubber bullet to the ribs, a water cannon in the eyes, or a tazer to the mouth. Listen, I’m done fucking about, these rioters are taking me for a dickhead, I’m cracking heads now bruv. And I don’t wanna hear this sorry shit either once you’re caught. If you’re out on the street, we’re tazing, shooting, trampling, beating and generally bussing people up until the riot stops.
3. JOURNALIST And where will they be going, what with overcrowding in jails? PRIME MINISTER Are you dumb? Is he dumb. Get him out of here. Two guards move in, grab the journalist and drag him out. PRIME MINISTER (CONT’D) They’re going Jail. New jail fam... that’s what I’m calling it. New jail. It’s not this pussy jail, with PS3’s and pool tables and shit. Real shit with chains and concrete. Yeah! Fuck that placate and educate shit. You getting punished blaad standard... But your right, that shit will get over crowed which is why my boy Dicky Branson is putting a fence around some island in the pacific, and when that shit is built up, I’m gonna ship all these fuckers straight over to it. I’m calling it Australia2.0 POW! (Deep breath) Now listen, mans got a plane waiting to take me back to sand, sea, sun and a freshly waxed wife waiting to gimme the good stuff so I gotta kick out, but my bitch Clegg will implement all this shit while I’m gone. (Shouts of stage) And don’t get all fucking soft and liberal on me bitch, do what fuck I tell you or man will slap you upside ya head and deal with you... ya hear me? (Back to the people) So sit back and enjoy the country you love. None of that vigilante shit, settle down, this is me the Primeminister signing off and telling you to Remember I make shit safe so you don’t have to. He walks off while the journalists go wild trying to get one last quote, but he’s gone. Suddenly he returns.
4. PRIME MINISTER (CONT’D) Oh and I’m scrapping university fees, and Brining back child benefits to double what is was before, because I fucked up in the past, but I wanna fix shit cos I’m just that kind of guy. Oh and one more thing. You lazy fucks who just won’t get a job and think you can just get unemployment benefit, dole or whatever the fuck it’s called these days. That shit stops today... get a job or it’s a one way trip to Australia2... Braaaaaap!! And he leaves.