The Impeachment Issue
Domestic Violence 201: Where’s 101?
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Quillen Announces New Speech, Recycles Program See page 4 union worker caught lurking around union tv, creeping right?
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Chambers 2023: Shit Happens... Twice
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Challenges the Yowl: Try a write-in on Union menu. Have it your way.
October 19, 2011
Obama Takes A Break, Rips a Cig In a startling reversal, Presi- saturated atmosphere. dent Bro-bama announced today While he recognized that chillthat global warming is “not a big ing could be difficult for many, deal and basically whatever.” This including FIJIs, chilling was in came as a surprise to the many en- America’s national heritage. vironmental groups who had supAs a gesture of the governported Bro-bama. They were ut- ment’s support for chilling, Broterly perplexed as to how he could bama announced an emergency have come to such a conclusion, resolution to distribute more than until he issued his four billion Natty statement. Lights throughIn an arrestout America. He ing and inspiring then proceeded to monologue, he invite his usual announced that political oppoa crack team of nent, Republican NASA, NOAA, Speaker of the and frat stars House John Boehhad come up ner (R-Ohio), to with a response light a cross-joint to global warmwith him, made ing that would of the finest Calcompletely ifornia-grown neutralize any marijuana. Everybody chill out, warming. UrgSpeaker I got this ing America to Boehner was un“come together” in these tough derstandably perplexed about the times, he announced, “America new development. “I am glad that must chill out.” Explaining the the President has decided to chill science behind the solution, he out, but this has been the Repubnoted that parts of the world lican position for years,” Boehner might be getting warmer, but that said. “I mean, come on. We’re all this could easily be reversed if about being l’aissez faire. You people chilled harder. Our collec- know what that means? When tive chillness would literally cool the government doesn’t do ANYthe earth’s surface, equaling the THING! How can you get more warming potential of the CO2- chill than that?”
Students Occupy RLO; RLO Occupies Lunch
Your Davidson Honor Section
Editors: Brian Correa Anna Marie Armistead
Writer: Dick Stephens Jordan Williamson Hayden Higgens
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.
As the Occupy Wall Street protests pick up momentum in cities around the globe, a niche campaign has begun right here at Davidson. Hundreds of thousands of students have been perched outside the offices of RLO’s five-story sky-scraper for nearly three days. Protesters hope to reverse the greed and totalitarian rule that many feel have now reached dangerous levels. On Monday, one sign read simply: “RLO is not fratty.” One student we spoke with helped explain the group’s frustration. “I dated a girl since freshman year, and we broke up because it was going to cost $20 just to get her CatCard access to my apartment. The most money I’d ever spent on her was $4.50 for an Outpost quesadilla…and I was drunk. Now I’m expected to drop
a sober 20 on her? Insanity.” A student living at F raised a different issue. “We get fined if we don’t have the outside of our apartments clean by 7 am every morning. So one Saturday morning I forced myself to get up and try to clean. But as soon as I got outside, I started projectilevomiting everywhere. Then I just passed out on my couch. We got a fine for the trash and then an extra fine for the vomit. What was I supposed to do? I would’ve aimed for a trash can but we’re not allowed to have those outside either.” An unidentified RLO executive was seen fleeing from the building Tuesday through a wall of security as she dove into her Ferrari and sped off. Our requests for interviews have been routinely denied. A late-night text message to a young RLO staff member was not returned.
Do Deutsch Marches To Its Own Drum This week’s inauguration appalled to find them at our celof President Carol Quillen was, ebration,” a Do Deutsch! reprein many ways, a celebration of sentative said. “We threw them progress. President Quillen is out. There is nothing about Davidson’s first female president Nazism that isn’t reprehensible, and first non-Davidson gradu- except for how cool they are as ate (she claims to villains in Indihave gone to colana Jones, and I lege elsewhere), sort of like their so for many she uniforms.” represents the WA N K , future of Davidwhich had arson. Optimism, rived at the though, was met Multicultural with the world’s House in an dark past when a authentic Pangroup mistaking zer tank, was this week’s Do denied access Deutsch! Gerby the Deutsch man culture devotees, festival for but they had a neo-Nazi earlier spent There are so many white people here! rally arrived some time on campus, touring the marring the proceedings. campus. “Before we were thrown “One of our members heard out, we really enjoyed marching about it, so we figured we’d come through campus. There are so up to support the volkgeist,” many white people here! It’s ala representative for the White most like a utopian society.” American Nationalist Kinsmen The group seems to view (WANK, for short) said. “We Davidson’s racial make-up as a were surprised and, frankly, hurt perfect breeding ground for their by how we were received,” he ideology. “We’d definitely love continued, shaking his head and to get a group started up here,” brushing back a few tears. the WANK representative said. “The German Department “I think that that would be real abhors Nazism, and we were progress for Davidson.”
Indian Food: Universal Language of Consent This week’s discussion sponsored brought to you by the Health Advisors is guaranteed to get your taste buds watering: Consent is Sexy with Indian food. After last week’s flop, Consent is Sexy with Asian Food, only succeeded in attracting the three Asian students on campus, and the previous week’s Consent is Sexy with Mexican food faced racial profiling accusations from OLAS, the health advisor George Ringo is hoping that Indian food hits that spot. Consent is Sexy with Greek food failed to even put out. “We have done our homework,” says Ringo, “and found studies proving the effectiveness of Indian food in promoting consensual activity among students. The endorphin-boosting spices provide an instant rush of pleasure that can be sustained for an elongated period of time, and even increased with more food. It’s a sensational feeling and no-
body leaves hungry!” A sari after-party will be held complete with hookah, hot yoga, snake charming, and of course more Indian cuisine. Endorsing the event was at
least one consensually excited supporter: “Bro, this guru once told me that ‘consent,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘Indian food’ all come from the same Sanskrit word for Nirvana, literally translated as ‘blowing-out.’ That, like, blows my mind!” If this week’s theme is successful then the part two of the serious, Consent is Sexier with Even Hotter Indian food, will continue next week.
The Yowl from the 10-19 issue of the Davidsonian