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The Davidsonian

The XXL.VIII Issue

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Davidson Takes Controversial Stance Against Cancer, Sponsors Relay for Life See page 2 Davidson Raises Tuition to Compete with Sister-In-Law School

See IdahoTech A&M

Community Bikes Gone, Community Hang gliders introduced

See page 13

Union Bored, Still Vacuuming

See page 4

Tweet of the Week:

Banana Phone > Iphone

February 8, 2012

Nonner Found In Elevator; Chambers Boycott Ensues Learning has been put on hold for a group of Davidson athletes who refuse to attend class in Chambers after a nonner with a broken femur was found riding the elevator to Hance Auditorium. “These elevators are clearly for athletes only,” said an anonymous football player. “You see these thighs? They’ve been perfected through a year-long rainstorm of squats and power cleans. I ain’t trying to mess these beauts up by taking no stairs.” But some have wondered if this insistence by athletes to take the elevator is more of a status symbol than anything else. A member of the basketball team, however, refuted this claim. “Am I sorry that no one on this campus is as athletic as me? No. So why should I have to apolo-

gize for looking fly in my b-ball warm-ups as I stroll into class late because the elevator took an extra ten minutes?” Tensions flared outside Chambers on Monday as the NonAthletes 4 Equality Action Coalition appeared at the scene of the athlete protests. “We are here to combat the very use of the word ‘nonner,” and to end the unfair treatment of non-athletes in general,” said an NA4EAC spokesperson. Yet the five Coalition members quickly disbanded after one was struck in the face with a tennis ball lobbed at them from the opposing protesters. It appeared he did not possess the coordination necessary to block it with his hands. No one could be reached for comment about the status of his face.

The Davidsonian

Hazards Run Rampant On Campus Midcourt of Belk Arena. Construction site just behind Tomlinson. Inside RLO offices. Pizza line at Commons. Lately, a black Subaru station wagon has been seen parked in some of the most random and inconvenient spots all over campus. “It’s okay though,” the student, class of ’14, responded, “I had my hazard lights on.” Lately, the “hazard lights” phenomenon has been sweeping our campus. Cars have been unnecessarily and oddly parked nearly everywhere on campus, but with those hazard lights getting the offenders off with no parking ticket or towing. It has even spread away from just parking: when speaking to congress the other day, President Quillen prefaced her speech with “Hazards…” and then proceeded to rip into Michelle Obama’s fashion sense. Bob McKillop said “Hazards” and then claimed he could play better than Davidson football blindfolded and with his hands tied behind his back. Even the aforementioned Subaru owner said “Hazards” and then claimed that Turner was easily the best house on campus. Hazard lights have quickly become the go-to defense for doing something daring on campus, and Davidson students and faculty are certainly embracing it.

Madonna: The Song-Bird of Many, Many, Many Generations

@Pepe_Fratdogg Had a nightmare last night A recent TMZ article revealed my inspiration for ‘Like a In an attempt to fulthat I lived in “cat cat city, fill a long-lost dream of that Madonna is actually 3,429 Virgin’.” Some of the more skeptistarring in a high school years old and was, in fact, in atbitch.”

Your Davidson Honor Section

Editor: Anna Marie Armistead Callboy: Brian Correa Writer: Chuck Pennell Dick Stephens Matt Morrish

Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

musical-style striptease, the material girl decided it would be a good idea to take her old-as-dirt talents to the center field of the Lucas Oil Stadium for some illadvised p o m p o m w a v ing that seemed to flare up her arthritis late in her performance. “My mom never let me participate in cheerleading when I was in Catholic school during the Roman Empire,” the pop diva confessed, “but I did have the chance to meet a lot of the musical stars for countless generations, hundreds of generations to be more clear.”

tendance at significant historical events such as The Last Supper, the extinction of the dinosaurs, the birth of Muhammad, and is

cal Super Bowl viewers suggested that Madonna, with her ghoulish complexion, was actually a supernatural-being or the undead. Sources close to Madonna refuted the claims s a y ing, “no, that’s just what she looks like. We need to use a lot Crown above was gift from King Tut of makeup to cover up the rotting bones rumored to have proofread the Ten and melting skin on her face. Commandments. This story has You should have seen the generated a buzz in tinsel-town, pounds of makeup we put with many speculating that Ma- on her for The French Revodonna may have plagiarized her lution. Don’t even mention stage-name from Mary, the origi- the millions of dollars she’s nal Madonna. spent in Botox, of course “Sure we were friends and back in the day she used a used to text, but we had a big fall- barter system of furs, coins, ing out after the whole Immaculate and corn to pay for it.” Conception thing, she was actually

Hazardous ponds will be used to punish hazard offenders.

Alcoholism, Depression Direct Results of Superbowl Ads A Boston man was hospitalized late Sunday night after a severe drinking binge brought on by a disappointing performance from the Super Bowl ads. “I thought this was gonna be the year man,” said one Joe Hardy, “the year when the Super Bowl commercials recaptured their former glory. But they sucked out there. They just looked flat and uninspired.” Mr. Hardy went on to criticize a few of the most underperforming ads. “Come on Chevy, you’re gonna try to sell me a truck based on the apocalypse? Apocalypse means the end of the world. Period. If anything, my 1996 Ford Fiesta is gonna outlast that Silverado, cause the Fiesta is the cockroach of vehicles.” The distraught Bostonite said he hadn’t truly been happy since February 2004, back in the glory days of the Budlight playboy chimp and the elderly fighting over Lays. “And Coke, what do you think you’re doin’? Those polar bears were clearly just looking for some booze to numb the pain of habitat loss, but could only get Coca-Cola. Idea for next year’s Heineken ad: depressed, existentialist polar bears drink away sorrows of sure extinction.” When asked about the play of New England’s quarterback, Mr. Hardy asked, “Wait, who’s Tom Brady?”


Davidson College's weekly student newspaper satire section

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