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The T Issue

The Davidsonian

Page 7

General Motors Also To Appear at The Generals’ Live Thursdays See page 2 Area Student Still Using Walk-Man, What a loser

See page Base Rich

Off Campus House Hosts Breaking Bad Party See page 13

Cap’n Crunch arrested for abadoning ship See page 9

Tweet of the Week: @GingrichIdeas: Rewatch Freaky Friday until I figure out how to switch bodies with Romney.

“Let’s Go To Waffle House”

February 1, 2012

Local High School Student Burns Trash, Tells Friends Clinton, MI—Last week, Archie Fish, a and fired it up, “even the horoscope secsoon-to-be high school graduate of a small tion.” Fish, 18, smiled with what his partown in Michigan, celebrated his fast-ap- ents could only describe as a “shit-eating proaching induction into adulthood that is grin” as the toxic fumes covered the backreceiving a high school diploma by setting yard in ash and other unidentifiable pieces some trash on fire. of waste. Authorities say the incident occurred The local fire department promptly arbetween the hours of 3:25 PM and 3:35PM, rived 3 hours later to smother what was now the approximate time from which he was only a small pile of smoldering embers. dismissed Fortunatefrom his ly Fish’s Social cat misStudies took the class on make-shift Monday. bon fire as W i t a litter box nesses and subtestified dued the that they passionate saw Fish flames with gather“a little bit ing items of pee,” from his according backyard to Charles to casu“this fire ally set too big” ablaze. Jones, a Let it burn, like Usher Initially volunteer Fish used firefighter. his man-made landfill as slide and allegIn an interview little Archie Fisher addedly “rolled around in it a little bit” before ed that despite all the commotion, the fire coolly hurling a red, plastic tub of gasoline was “the bee’s knees” and almost absolutely into the unsuspecting pile of old diapers, “the cat’s meow.” Upon hearing the news, dog hair, and Chilli’s gift cards. animal rights groups are looking into the Fish’s neighbor, the homeless man oc- matter and investigating into whether bees cupying his tree-house, confessed that he do in fact have knees, right after they comgrew concerned when the adolescent ar- plete their research on “How many straws is sonist removed his newspaper comforter too many straws for a camel’s back?”

Humans Raging Against The Machines

Your Davidson Honor Section

Editor: Brian Correa Waterboy: Anna Marie Armistead Writer: Charles “Master P” Pennell

Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

In a rare case of reverse mechanization, a time-honored Davidson employee, the Chambers wheelchair accessibility button, has lost his job to a pair of women doorholders. “I was shocked when it happened,” said a visibility distraught wheelchair button, “they just showed up one day, and boom, I’m unemployed. Who will take care of my family? What about the little Wheelchair Buttons? Now I can only drown my sorrows in a 30pack of motor oil.” Across campus, the same trend has been taking place, in accordance with Davidson’s new “humans-first” policy. “I went to my favorite water fountain, and it was gone!” said one Davidson carbon-based lifeform. “Instead there was a woman with a hose, and a bad attitude. I’ve never gotten so much lip from a water-dispenser.” The Commons conveyor belt has been replaced with a team of short men who jog in endless circles and grab trays from waiting students’ hands. With more smiles and human interaction, the change seemed like an upgrade, until half the conveyor belt took

“I’ve never gottten so much lip from a water-dispenser.”

a smoke break, while the water fountains threatened to unionize. Other casualties in the robot-to-person transfer include vending machines, elevators, washing machines, and catcard swipers.

The Davidsonian

Newt Gingrich Exposes Self It was the battle on the border as President Obama and Arizona governor Jan Brewer exchanged verbal blows on the runway of Phoenix International Airport, followed by a serious finger-wagging at the President by the blonde bitch of the West. While allegedly handing him a letter inviting him on a casual safari-style tour of Arizona’s Mexican border in a border patrol outfit guarded by multiple canine units and desert warfare-issue hummers, sources claim that this suspicious letter had already been opened and read during a brutal body cavity search involving cactus needles common among the state’s numerous border patrol stations. In a clear “Jan and a certain Mr. breach of na- Newt Gingrich had been tional secupulling a Monica and Bill rity, the confor quite some time” tents of the letter were somehow leaked to that bastion of free speech Wikileaks, revealing the shocking news that didn’t actually shock anyone except perhaps Mr. Brewer: Jan and a certain Mr. Newt Gingrich had been pulling a Monica and Bill for quite some time, confirming old Newt’s weakness for borderline personality blondes. While the governor’s daddy issues may have crossed the line in respect to the building relations with the Gingrich campaign, Jan “Brewdogg” Brewer refuses to back down and was overheard threatening to release Obama’s mediocre high school basketball stats in her new book Tarantulas for Lunch, hoping to reduce his street cred among her constituents while simultaneously giving Newt a little hand.

“I See What You Did There”

President Obama rebutted the criticism in the book and released a press statement “ball-up or shut-up, Jan.” He also mummbled a comment under his breath about “handles like a spider,” mocking the Governor’s title of her underwhelming memoir.


Yowl 2/1/12