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Dave Hambidge

Welcome to the FOURTH full issue of this new e-magazine produced for and by an OFaBOF. AS

CONTENT LIST

The modern world is too busy… The news happens so often…

OFaBOF With Honour

And when it does it’s bad, or worse. We can remember when…

News you may have missed

You listened to the TV news once a day And believed what you were told!!

Mouse Trail

SO Now we are well into a second half century, and reflection on events is our lot as we no longer make things happen, discovering “happy happenings” is a blessing.

BUT Hard to find in the plethora of frequently repeated multi-media news. Thus, I hope you enjoy my selections in this positive albeit sideways look at the human condition in 2008.

Man on a Wall

Showcase Time, Jack and Gill


OVER FIFTY AND BORING OLD FART WITH HONOUR Sir Michael Terence Wogan, KBE DL From some mouths an Irish brogue sounds awful.

But not when issuing

forth through the erudite lips of our first OFaBOF Hero.

Better known as

Terry, his mellifluous blarney has eased the passage of the world for four decades but not always without gaffes. His recent public statement of the bleeding

obvious

(that

political

machinations decided Eurovision Song Contest voting) was refreshing. As were his replies during a brief interview from Wimbledon and in the Radio Times. Sir Terry is not just a venerable DJ and front

man

for

Children

in

Need

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/)but an all round good egg. Our hero in action Join me in raising a glass of the black stuff in toasting an OFaBOF of Honour. ( Dear Gentle Reader. Please be assured that certain folk will never, ever, over my dead body etc, gain this award. Thus G ‘Dubya’ and T ‘Bliar’ need not apply ).

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Terry_Woga n_cropped.jpg)


WELCOME TO THIS WEEKS SILLY SELECTION OF UNUSUAL HAPPENINGS AND REPORTS A throw away attitude to cars has only once been my option, a brand new Lada which finished life after 87,000 miles and the engine completely cracked, literally. So, a UPS truck that has done one million miles over 21 years, with the same driver is quite something. Especially with many of them on dirt tracks. Well done Brent Boyd!! Another transport special has happened near Stuttgart with an as yet unidentified male doing around 60 mph on a skateboard. Posted on you tube back in June 2008, the fuzz have only just become aware of it and started a hunt‌ concentrate on real crime eh? Back and down is Albania, a closed country for most of my adult life, where Saimir has glued nearly a quarter of a million corks into a mosaic of quality. I shall convert my couple of dozen of old bottle stoppers into an Oz style hat anti-fly screen, for when summer happens again in UK.

Slightly further right on the world map is the source of the oddest book title of the last thirty years. What Greek rural postmen do with their cancellation numbers is beyond me, anyone know? Far left on the wall map is USofA, a regular supplier of the odd and weird for me to pillage. But not many come up to the quality of these three. Gary Blair Wareham allowed the cops to search his garden after they spotted wacky baccy plants in situ. Why not torch them (the plants, not the police) BEFORE doing so? Does his middle name give a clue to the reason? Thanks to the Telegraph for what must be the road sign of the year photo.

HELP, I have included Bliar and Dubya on the same page!! AAAHHH And finally, I have no inkling, not even a wild guess as to what motivated this attack in Fresno California. Bonkers or illicit drug fuelled? And as for the dog!


This mouse trail around the web is a cracker, follow and see…

One of my regular news portals is the succinctly named South Atlantic Remote Territories Media Association, SARTMA. Our friends in the Falklands have produced a postage stamp to celebrate the 175 anniversary of the isles coming under British protection, and a goody it is.

The Soviet military suppression of the Hungarian Independence movement in 1956 is fully detailed on wiki but usefully summarised by the Beeb. As the Soviets finally imposed martial rule on Hungary, their two water polo teams met in the Melbourne Olympics for the Blood in the Water game. A full on punch up in and out of the pool culminated in a win for the Magyars, most of whom promptly sought political asylum. (I recall the Czechoslovakian and Russian ice-hockey teams beating the shite out of each other in the 1968 Olympics in similar circumstances, but can find no official reference to this.)

The artist is a Victor Ambrus, better known to many as Victor the sketcher whose drawings help to interpret C4’s Time Team series of archaeological digs.

Seemingly placid Victor has a surprising past, he was one of the independence fighters in his home country of Hungary in 1956. Victor escaped under fire, came to UK and established himself as book illustrator, twice winning the Kate Greenaway medal for the best illustrated children’s book of the year.

One of the hero’s of this Hungarian squad was Ervin Zador.

He went on to coach Mark Spitz who then narrated the commentary to ‘Freedoms Fury’ a 2006 documentary to honour that day from 1956 NOT MANY KNOW ALL THAT


MAN ON THE WALL

The old policeman listened again as the senior officer directed an incident response unit to the scene.

“Inspector? This is PC 958 Evans. I’m ‘phoning from the call box on Canal Street. What?... yes I know I’m off my beat, but Sarge told me to check on the body reported by old Mrs Skellern. Well, it’s like this, Sir. I don’t really want to get too close, contaminate the evidence, you know, but, to me, well, the person looks dead!” Harry Evans paused as the divisional control room fell silent at the duty inspector’s command. “Yes, Inspector, I did say dead. Funny colour, lying motionless on the bridge parapet. Tidily dressed, I’ll say that. Even got a carnation in his button hole...”

Evans could remember when this new boss had been the snotty nosed son of a neighbour on the Constabulary Housing Estate. Now, a university degree followed by handfuls of short term duties in various sections, not including pounding the streets, and the nipper had accelerated promotion. “Sorry, inspector, I didn’t quite hear what you said? No, I haven’t let my mind wander off the task before me. No, I can’t see any kids, nuns, vicars or old ladies likely to get a nasty shock by seeing the stiff. Yes, I will mount an obvious presence until back-up arrives. Over and out!” Evans briskly returned to the remains, and stood on the opposite pavement to consider them again. Its presence had been first reported to the police at 4.30 am, just forty minutes ago, when dawn illuminated the bleak street. The PC had been on site for the last 12 minutes, and the corpse had not moved, he was sure of that. There were no obvious signs of violence on the formal dress clothes, the attaché case and umbrella looked to have been neatly placed.


Who was, or who had been, this Mr LRL ? Why on earth, come to this dreary, dirty, industrial backwater in all one’s finery? How

Barely had he started to speak to his

come the unlit cigarette was staying

colleagues, when Evans heard

upright?

loud, raucous, belly laughter from the supposed incident scene. He ran to its

PC 958 was well aware of his intellectual

source, the ambulance men, who were

limitations, so decided to let the clever dicks

pulling two pink, false feet from up the

in CID sort the answers. He crossed to

sleeves of the now upright, immobile and

stand a few yards upwind of the deceased

glaringly obvious tailors window mannequin,

and looked down onto the canal that the

still sporting a neat wedding suit!

bridge spanned. Sprouting from the grey water were a couple of pram handles and

PC 958 Evans was mortified at his mistake,

what looked to be a bicycle. An early-

and was dreading the dressing down he

morning dog walker was throwing a stick

would receive at the station. “Never mind,”

along the tow path for a mangy Heinz 57 to

called out one of the other coppers, “at least

chase after.

you’ve found the dummy nicked from Moss Bros Hire shop last evening. Sarge will be

Looking up, the constable checked his fob-

so pleased with you, raising the dead and

watch against the Town Hall clock. Nearly

solving a crime in one shift!”

half past 5, just another hour until he would be home, off night shift, temporarily cuddled up to his misses, before she went out to her

The picture is one of

day job. Assuming that he was stood down

LOWRY’S BETER KNOWN

on time? His reverie was broken by the squeal of two sets of vehicle brakes, as the ambulance and police vehicle arrived simultaneously. Evans went to the rear of the latter, whilst the crew from the former went to examine the body and pronounce life to be absent.

WORKS CALLED, WELL, MAN ON A WALL


Oh, bugger, don't you die!" "Don't panic Gill, I'm getting better! I had thought of sending a letter but wondered if you might, well, have a desire to come and visit me in ITU?" "You bet I do! When am I allowed to?" "Any time after Two Jack wrote letters meaning to send them to Gemma and say "The end!" But try as he might to find the right phrases to not cause a fight they all lacked truthful feeling. Next day whilst he watched the ceiling, Gemma arrived looking anxious and wan. "Jack," she said, "I've been and gone..."

until Eight every day, can I say you'll be on your way?" Gill arrived at the ward as the nurse called "Time-up!" but was permitted to stay to cheer Jack up. They grasped hands across the counterpane as Jack told Gill of his mental pain. Of Gemma and lust and Yvette and trust. Gill listened and smiled at the relevant parts,

"and accepted a proposal of marriage! I've known the chap for only three months two weeks, five days and six hours. His house is big and has a power shower in which we romp when ever we can. It's so much nicer than the back of your van. So, Jack, I'll say goodbye and trust that you wont go and cry!"

eventually saying "Jack thou art..." ...the man who has filled my dreams both by day and night for the last fortnight and for whom I have many desires as you have set my whole being on fire!" "Grand!" said Jack, "I like the sound of that!" Gill stayed with Jack 'till he nodded off then she skipped away until the next day.

Jack tried to look grim as Gill departed, she made him so happy that he farted! (Only air out of the underwater chest drain whilst laughing, what sort of chap do you think Jack is, a nob yob?)

Gill visited Jack every time she could and it obviously did him good! She helped him walk further each time

God bless the lass for giving him the push!

until he was allowed to go and dine

If he took it steady and did not rush,

in the hospital's own cafe, but no wine!

he could telephone Gill,

There they chanced to meet Yvette

and say that he was ill?

who was quite willing to place a bet that they would make a lovely couple.

Jack waited until the end of the day

Gill took Jack back to her cott

to telephone Gill at T'Both.

to nurse and care, doing this and that

"Hi, it's me, I hope you are well?"

while he recovered and pondered a lot

"Oh, it's you, well what the hell!"

on what he should do with what he had got?

"I'm sorry to have taken so long to phone,

Jack slept on her spare bed as his ribs were sore,

but I'm sitting in hospital all alone!"

awake and alert whilst she slumbered and snored.

"What, where, how and why?

On the third night, Gill opted to make an attack


"So, do you fancy a nude snuggle then Jack?" Jack lay in Gill's bed, flat on his back

Gill's dog Splodge, a territorial cur

wary of pressing on the rib crack.

had never been afraid to aver

Gill came alongside and moulded her torso

his total dislike of all her male friends

until they were fully entwined, just so!

in the hope that Gill would send

They whispered sweet nothings and tenderly kissed

them on their way and not let them reside.

until Gill took a deep breath and risked

If Jack could help Splodge to decide

sliding on top of Jack's bean pole

that he was no threat, perhaps almost a pal

and carefully manoeuvring it into...

then they could both live with the gal?

(Oi, sod off you voyeuristic pervs, let us leave them in private to, well...?)

Sexually satiated, Jack and Gill slumbered not a care in the world, unencumbered by any distress, or regrets or doubts. Gill knew that she could not be without Jack in her life and home and bed. Whether cohabiting or legally wed Jack was the man to fill the hole in her body, heart and very soul.

Whilst Gill was at work, Splodge took Jack for a meander along some paths to have a gander at the scenery from The Top of The Hill. Jack puffed and wheezed and felt quite ill and it crossed his mind that the scramble was actually Splodge having a gamble to try and finish Jack off by inducing a terminal cough!

Jack awoke as dawn pierced the curtains relaxed, pain free and fully certain that Gill was the person to make him complete. So, when he was fully on his feet,

Jack slumped onto a tussock to catch his breath and stop his heart pounding as if to death. Splodge lay on Jack's feet and licked his bum (his own that is, the dog, you know, come on, keep up...)

back at work and earning his money

then fell asleep with a rumbling tum.

if she was happy to be his honey

The views were quite stunning and Jack panned

could he move in and share the flat?

around

But, what if the dog disagreed with that?

away to the horizon, then back to the foreground. Where he espied Lou and Lil walking their cats "God those two are bloody bats!"


“Hello, you must be Gill's beau! I'm Lil are you getting better after being so ill?" "Yes, I am and thank you for asking!" "Hi, call me Lou, and to save you enquiring Gill has spoken frequently of you which is how we knew. And, of course, we all know her dog.

AND NOW FOR THE BORING STUFF

She found Splodge here, trapped under a log."

"I hadn't been told how they found each other. But I know that Splodge is bothered as to whether I am a suitable person to share their domicile. He gives me such a stare all the while!"

Please copy any of this material as you like. But play fair and acknowledge the source.

"To the best of my knowledge," said Lil, "Splodge has never brought up the hill any of the previous boyfriends of Gill. I think that he is showing us his will!"

"Do what," said Lou, "the dog is not dead!"

Failure to so do will result in you having bad dreams from guilt And me getting right pissed off.

"You silly clot, just use your head! "Splodge is making it very clear that he finds Jack to be so dear he will share Gill with him, so there!" Lou pointed across to where he and Lil shared a dwelling by a stream. "Good! You will be able to share our dream."

New issues will appear about weekly, please bookmark for a return. Any comments or suggestions can be left on the website/blog you have arrived at. FOURTH ISSUU PUBLISHED 11/09/08 Š DAVE HAMBIDGE

OFaBOF Delight Four  

The fourth week of fully interactive positive news review.