JACK AND GILL IN 2008
COMPOSED BY DAVE HAMBIDGE
PART EIGHT DINNER WITH LOU AND LIL
Jack and Gill went one day for lunch with the Celtic Couple. Haggis, neeps and mashed tatties. Ah, that was the trouble! No red sauce to adorn the spuds caused Jack to gag and ask to take them home in a bag. Said Gill, "close your eyes and eat them quick then you wont want to be sick!" "I tell you what," said Lou, "it does look like a babies pooh!"
"I say," cried Lil, "less of the shit, I spent all day preparing it!" "Agreed," said Gill, "what's wrong with them not in a chip you get the true flavour when mashed?" "I know," said Jack, "but they taste like cack and it takes me back to being a child when they were boiled to a paste, with no possibility of waste!"
"Wurgh," said Lou, "remember instant potato mash? That never was very much of a Smash!" "Perhaps that was what Jack got" said Gill, "the stuff that made him so ill?" "Right," said Lil, "we'll do a trial! Eat the spuds and in a while if Jack survives we'll raise a cheer with single malt and organic beer.
"Oh goody," said Jack "and if I chuck, which is most likely to be my luck, what is the reward then?" "A mop and pail to clear the den, then a lonely walk back round the hill! " Jack set to with good will and cleared the plate until clean, even though he went quite green
With knotted stomach and full will power Jack kept the tatties down. He felt quite grim for nearly an hour and kept a rigid frown, but did not heave or barff or puke or even make a little burp. "You win" said Gill, "so have a big slurp of Lou's wheat beer!" Jack so did and with a great cheer he finished the tankard and reached for the malt then felt his brain come to a grinding halt. (this is what happens with 80% proof homebrew, I am told!)
The room span round, then up and down As Jack lay down with n’er a frown Just an inane grin and tremor As he tried hard to remember When he last felt quite so pissed? Ah, yes! When he tried, but failed and missed To please his mother with a kiss!
Jack and Gill had gone for tea with Jack’s ma and pa For the first time since he moved afar To live with Gill at the bottom of the hill. But Jack was rendered very ill By a mix of booze and liquid ouze Taken to try and stop the poos. The memory of that awful day Echoed in Jack’s mind as he lay…
RUSH TO PART NINE TO SHARE JACK’S NIGHTMARE