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Forever Yours™ : The Secret Password To His Heart by Carlos Cavallo

CONFESSIONS CARLOS CAVALLO

OF A (FORMER) COMMITMENT-PHOBE

How She Captured My Heart Forever The Ultimate Date Night - Revealed! Hi, this is Carlos Cavallo, and I’m going to reveal to you some “Confessions” of a commitment-phobe. Well, I used to be, but not anymore...

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This will work for you whether you just started dating, if you’ve been in a relationship for a while or even if you’re married.

I want to give you the EXACT recipe for the ultimate romantic date that could turn your relationship around. Especially if he’s distant or pulling away from you right now.

✴Even if you think he’s perfectly happy and would never even consider going astray - but you know something has changed between you two...

In the next few pages I’m going to reveal to you a foolproof plan to rekindle the romance and pull him close with a passionate night that he will never forget, and probably tell his buddies about it for weeks after it happens.

✴Even if he’s starting to run hot and cold on you and you’re not sure where he stands, even if you’re feeling the distance between you is growing farther every day...

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CONFESSIONS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBE

✴Even if you suspect he might be on the way out the door - or there might be another woman moving in on him... Now, before I sat down to write this report for you, I went looking to see what I could find out there in the books, articles and online information on this topic. Frankly I was appalled. There is a lot of really bad stuff out there and downright dangerous information out there on this topic. Mostly women are writing these articles, and they’re coming up with shockingly inaccurate advice. Like, “take him to a wine bar.” Now, the point is not that he wouldn’t enjoy that, and we would. We wouldn’t mind going to a wine bar, but you need to see past this ‘sophisticated man’ veneer that he’s projecting to you and acknowledge that your man wants to get primal.

I might add, the father of her two beautiful kids. Are you intrigued? Excited? Skeptical? Look, I wouldn’t blame you for being any or all of those, and I’ll show you exactly how Jen did it with a simple romantic date that took five minutes to plan, and it not only kept me from pulling away from her, but made me head over heels in love with her.

I don’t mean sexually, though that’s something you can have later on. But you have to understand, men these days are sorely lacking in both male role models and healthy masculine activities that affirm his It’s a night I’ll never forget, and I’ll tell you manliness. about it all here in this confession of a (former) commitment-phobe. I will also tell I’m not talking about macho chest-beating you more about how you can crack open here, I’m talking about the real connection the shell around his heart and get him to he needs to feel to his own masculinity, and adore you with a passion a little bit later in how most women today have also lost this report. touch with how to help him reconnect with it in the right way. I will also show you the single biggest mistake women make with men that Because when you do know how to do this, could accidentally make him emotionally and you can do it, you will have men eating disconnect without you even knowing out of the palm of your hand. They will about it, It’s that big and it’s that important. astonish you with their passion and energy - their unfailing desire to do one simple But first, let’s build the Perfect Passionate thing: make you happy. and romantic date for him that could be the one thing you need to revive your romance Do you know how I know this romantic date and your relationship. For now, let’s talk recipe works? Because it worked on me. about the basics of creating the ultimate My girlfriend Jen used the exact same romantic date... formula to turn me, a confirmed bachelor, into her adoring and devoted husband, and

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CONFESSIONS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBE

The first basic is no movies, unless you throw in the DVD or Blu-ray player to finish off the end of the evening. Keep the movie short if you do, and make it an action/ adventure movie. Maybe you throw in a little bit of romance in it.

date - because you’re going to get at least a 1000% back after all is said and done. Another rule here is that it’s not the what you do as much as the how. It’s similar to women, right? I will talk about this in great detail in my Forever Yours, the Secret Password to His Heart Program, and I’m going to show you here exactly how to give him the experience he will never forget. One more tip up front: Make sure that you’re starting out by not needing any particular or specific result from this date. If you go in with an expectation that you’re going to get something from this date, you’re going to send out a vibe of ‘need’ that could kill the fun for him. Let me ask you this: Would you be okay if it took a few days, maybe even a week for the results to show?

A good example of a movie like that would be “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” the one with Angelina and Brad, notorious for their romance starting on the set of that movie, and it’s a great action movie. Guys will totally enjoy it, and you’ll get a little out of it too. But again, make it all about his interest. * A little side note here, make sure you avoid Valentine’s Day or any major holiday for this “Ultimate Date.” Doing that is just too loaded with expectations and baggage, and you don’t want that going in. And also don’t worry about money. Chances are he’s going to be volunteering to pay for all of it. But even if he doesn’t, any woman can afford this little turnaround secret date.

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Well, if you can say yes to that, you’re in a perfect place. But remember, it’s actually more likely that he’s going to start turning around and responding to you probably halfway to three quarters of the way through this date - even if he was turning cold and pulling away from you before. Before Jen and I met, she used this method on a previous boyfriend of hers, and he proposed to her the week afterwards. Of course, I’m glad she said no to him! Your goal with this ultimate romantic date is to bring up two words in his mind: Surprising and Unforgettable. You want to be able to surprise him a little bit and you want to make sure it’s memorable. At the end of the day - and at the end of the date - there’s only one thing he really wants to feel and know in his heart, “She paid attention to what I liked.” If you can focus on that and deliver that to him, you will definitely get your man.

Remember also that it’s all about him - until it isn’t. Most guys will eventually turn the focus of this date around and make it a little bit about you at some point, even if you set it Now, there are three steps to this ultimate up and made it all about him at the start. date formula: 1. Tease the mystery Now, you want to make sure to take care of 2. Start the chase him, but make sure you kick it off with at 3. Make the moment least 50% to 100% focus on him for this

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CONFESSIONS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBE

Okay, let’s start with...

STEP 1: Tease The Mystery Tell him you want to give him a “night to remember,” and use those exact words: “I want to give you a night to remember.” Here’s what Jen actually said to me. We were talking on the phone, and she said, “Want to have some fun?” And I said, “Of course, you bet.” She said, “I want to take you out on Friday. Are you man enough to let me do that?” Now, a little note here: What did she do by saying that? She challenged me, and you need to challenge him, too.

I’ll give you an example of this. A girl that I coached with this little tip was taking her guy out and she told him, “Make sure you bring a pair of your worst shoes.” He’s like, “What? Why?” She’s like, “Don’t worry, just do it.” And where did they go? Well, she ended up taking him bowling. Of course, which made total sense because you don’t want to leave your good shoes there at the bowling alley. Now, the day before the date, Jen also texted me. And you should do this too. She texted me, “Are you ready for tonight?” And after she did that, I could not get her - or our date that night - out of my mind for one minute. It just jacked up that curiosity factor to the Nth degree.

You should be doing this all the time, by the way, in playful ways. Never actually mock or insult his masculinity, just hint that you’re not totally convinced about him yet. You would be amazed what this does to get a guy chasing you. Get him to commit to the night. No ifs, ands, or buts. He is to be totally in and committed to the scheduled time that you’re going to go out, and if you tease him and handle this right, he will be. If he’s been a bit cold or distant with you, don’t forget, I’m going to be sharing with you how to really turn him around for good later in this report.

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Two days before the date, you should call him and tease him a little bit. Jen did this to me when we were talking.

STEP 2: Start The Chase

She said, “Oops, I almost slipped and told you what we are doing...!”

The second step in the ultimate date formula is to start the chase.

That was great, because what did it do? It made me think, “What? What is it? What are we going to be doing???” It got me thinking and really focused on that and curious.

Remember that your goal with this ultimate romantic date is twofold. Number one is to amaze him with how good a girlfriend you are, or even a wife if you’re trying to revive your marriage, and number two is to restart his drive to chase you. Now, we’re going to come back to this one later because this is important.

If you can, you can also have him bring something along on the date that will make him curious.

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CONFESSIONS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBE

A little ground rule: At some point he’s going to start getting really flirty and touchy-feely during this date. You want to play a little hard to get if you want to drive up this sexual desire and attraction and intention.

A man goes out of his way to create lots of SHE dates, and WE dates in the start, but rarely ever does he get a HE date.

You see, Jen knew this. She was the one who was cutting the kisses and the cuddles short on our date - no matter how sorely tempted she was to bask in them.

Now, let’s go into some of the ideas for what your date will actually be now. And you can choose more than one of these. You don’t want to overload, but two of these activities is actually a good plan for the night.

You’re driving up the desire and the constructive sexual tension. This is part of the unforgettable part that will get him chasing you. And by the way, I’ll tell you how to channel this desire for you closer to the end of this report.

THAT is your goal. Make sense?

The thought is you want to boost his masculinity. Whatever you two do together, it should be all about manliness. It doesn’t have anything to do with sophistication and intellectual thinking. You want to appeal to the gut level man in him.

What you have to do is make a “HE” date for him. You see, there’s a “HE” date, a “SHE” Here are some ideas: date, and a “WE” date. Go to a beer brewery. Do a tasting there. Here’s how they look: Try out the beers they’ve got on tap. Go to a comedy club. Pick a raunchy but tolerable act that he can get into. Again, you want to have something that would appeal to the man inside him. Go to an arcade. That’s a fun one to go to with the rollercoaster or two.’ Go to go-karts, pool, billiards or darts This was the one that Jen used on me. The idea here is you want to start some friendly competition. That competition actually gets the attraction mechanism moving again. It gets the mental juices flowing, if you will, and gets him fully engaged. The HE Date is everything HE would like to do. The SHE date is everything YOU want to do. And the WE date is what you wind up doing most often that is good for you both. The problem is that most women never make a real HE date - something that is expressly all about what he would like to do. And when she does try, she typically only manages to get something in the WE date zone - a bit closer to his side. Never quite in that sweet spot of “Wow!” for him.

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Go to a flea market, some place you can go to buy funky stuff. That’s another thing. Guys love to look for cool stuff, either on sale or that’s been hard to find. Go to a gadget store, for example. That’s another great place to go. Go to a sporting event. This is another great plan. Go to a baseball game or a football game or a hockey game. It doesn’t have to be a major team or like a big expense. Don’t blow hundreds of dollars on tickets.

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CONFESSIONS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBE

Maybe something a little different, maybe Lacrosse, or something a little off the beaten path, especially if he’s into sports. Again, this is competition that he can watch. They’ve actually done studies that show men’s testosterone levels rise when they’re watching sporting events.

Is he a comic book geek, take him to a comic book show or Asian film festival, especially if they have Japanese anime. You might have to think a little bit and be creative, but THAT is what you want to be able to do. Be unforgettable. Just so you know, Jen started out our Ultimate Romantic date with a game or two of bowling, and then she took me to a local San Francisco club that’s called Ruby Sky here in downtown San Francisco. Because she knew I was into electronic dance music, and we had a blast dancing there.

Go to laser tag. Yes, you heard that right, laser tag. That’s a lot of fun, and it’s a great experience. You can run around the dark, trying to zap each other. Again, it’s also physical, and that part is going to come up again. That’s really important in what you do together. Let me tell you about where you don’t want to go. I want you to avoid, at least for the Paintball is also a great option. That one short term because you’re trying to might be a little too physical for you, but accomplish a particular goal with this date, again, don’t underestimate how fun it avoid the museum. actually is. Every time I’ve gone to do paintball, I’m always really surprised at how Avoid movies where you’re just sitting in the many women show up at paintball. dark and don’t interact with each other. That’s not a good place to go. There’s also live music. Take him a rock show, or if he’s into a certain kind of band, Avoid shopping unless it happens to be at a maybe take him to a cover band or tribute guy store like I mentioned before. Also band, but something on the rock & roll end avoid any place you’ve gone to recently or of the spectrum instead of perhaps classical frequently with him in the past. music. Also, remember, don’t try to appeal to his inner brainiac. Keep it separate. Keep it more gut level, physical is better. You don’t want to try and turn on his mind unless that’s an appetizer in this overall game plan. You want to appeal to his masculinity, and that is really the secret key to this. (I’ll tell you more about how to do that in a bit.)

You could also go bowling like I mentioned before. Take him to a bowling alley and have a couple of games. There are also arcades in bowling alleys so you can actually combine a couple with that one location.

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Think about what his favorite hobby is. Take him to something that’s related to that. If he’s into guitars, take him to a guitar show.

Keeping him out for the places that he mentions as being cool and he hasn’t been there in a while. Bonus points if you can remember this from your conversations! I also explain at great length how to get a man to open up in conversation in my Forever Yours - The Secret Password to His Heart Program, by the way. You can also start with dinner if you like, but make sure you’re making it for him. Don’t go to a restaurant if you can possibly avoid it. If you don’t cook, get creative. Get some

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CONFESSIONS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBE

really different takeout and have it waiting for him when he gets to your place, or order If you want to end up at your place, make some cool appetizers. sure he meets you there to begin with. If you want to end up at his place, make sure Think different. you meet him there. Or neither if you don’t intend on spending the night. I’ll give you another example: Another place Jen brought me, and this was a different Give him directions as you drive. You can date. She took me to a bar where they had either tell him where to go, or you can just alligator, snake, and turtle as appetizers. use the voice GPS on your phone for a little Now, as strange as it sounds, guys love bit of fun. weird food like this. Not disgusting, just a little bit weird. Tease him a little bit along the way. You can say things like, “I don’t know. Maybe we You see, they want to have bragging rights shouldn’t do this. You might not be ready for to their buddies the next day. We want to this kind of fun.” Throw out little digs to have this on our bucket list of things we’ve challenge him and tease him. tried. He wants to be able to say, “Dude, I ate some octopus!” One of the most overlooked parts of really getting a man into you is really the easiest Now, don’t worry if you’re a little low on cash. thing in the world, which is why so few of us He only needs the fun part of this equation to actually do it, men or women, and it’s really be happy, and again, chances are, he’s still important. It’s really, really important. going to pick up drinks and incidentals along the way. I did on my date with Jen, and I It’s so important that I’m going to point it out didn’t mind it one bit. here. So what’s the deal with a chase? Why have I been emphasizing that? Well, it just so happens that men are never completely happy in a relationship unless they are balancing between “do I have her” and “I have her, I think.” The truth is that women also enjoy this push-pull effect. It’s this doubt that’s mixed in, and that’s the secret sauce of all the attraction between men and women.

The one thing you absolutely must do is listen to him.

I’ll tell you more about how to use this energy in a minute. Right now: the third step in the ultimate date formula...

STEP 3: Make The Moment Step number 3 is “make the moment,” otherwise known as rock his world. Have him meet you wherever it is you want to be at the end of the night. This is one of those little things you want to plan for.

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All through this date, that’s it, you just want to listen to him. Just listen to what he says, and then ask him some of the best questions you can think of to get him to tell you more about it. Get him talking and get him to believe, “Wow, she’s really listening to me.” This alone is really devastating. It really opens up a man’s heart. It’s amazing what this does. It will spike his curiosity and his interest in you to unbelievable levels. And it’s

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CONFESSIONS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBE

really important to note this because so few women actually do this.

don’t know about - and most men could never explain to you.

I know it seems like it’s the most obvious thing to do, but really, most women don’t know how to do this correctly.

If you were to do this one thing, it probably would be enough to get him to stop and take notice of you again, if necessary. But if you don’t keep this momentum moving in the right direction, he could slip away again.

A little note here, if you’re already intimate with him, if you’re in a place in your relationship where you two are sexually intimate, you can really finish this evening off with fireworks that will have talking about you to his friends for weeks. It’s the proverbial “icing on the cake.” If you’re not there yet, then it’s no problem. Just know that he will be calling you and probably even texting you on his way home. I have yet to have a woman who used this simple date recipe and didn’t wind up with him begging her to be his girlfriend. Or getting even more commitment than she expected out of him after all was said and done. Sex is going to be on his mind, but the buildup will already be 90% of the experience for him. (Yes, men really enjoy this kind of foreplay and buildup too...!) Oh, before I forget... If your man has been growing distant, this strategy will help you relight that spark, but there’s something else you should know. You might get a few sparks started, but you need to know how to throw a little gasoline on your relationship fire.

This time maybe even for good. The fact is that if he’s been distant, he has a primal need in him to reconnect with you. He actually wants to be close to you. But most women don’t realize that he’s actually just stuck and he needs your help to get moving again in the right direction, with you and your relationship. If you don’t jump in quickly with the right things to say, he could be tempted by women outside your relationship to find that connection he really wants with you. The fact is that most men might not cheat on you physically, but he might unintentionally cheat on you emotionally. The only way to stop this from happening is to know the signal he’s looking for so that you can stop him from pulling away, get him to open up to you and commit himself to you completely. What I just revealed to you about the Ultimate Romantic Date can work for you but only if you know where he is on the road to commitment. Now if you’re not aware, there are actually THREE QUESTIONS you can use to open his heart. And then every date with him will be a romantic night to remember. You see, there are three ordinary questions that reveal this special signal.

What you’ve just learned about this Ultimate Date Recipe is a secret that most women

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This signal is the password to his heart. His password is what you need to break through and get him to open up and commit. His password is the signal he needs to see from

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you to know that it’s okay to keep going forward, to open up, and to commit his heart and soul to you. You can discover these three everyday questions that you can use to open up the armor around his heart so that you can understand everything he’s thinking and feeling. Break through his shell and connect with him on a deep emotional level, and he will realize you’re his soulmate forever. There’s a new breakthrough in psychology that reveals the real reason your man pulls away and resist committing to you, why it’s not your fault, and how you can unlock his heart, unleash his passion for you, and create lasting love without playing games, and even if your man is pulling away and hasn’t taken you on a proper date in a year. Don’t let him slip away...! Go to www.PasswordToHisHeart.com to discover these 3 ordinary questions that reveal his secret password - that gets you into his mind and heart, waking up his romantic devotion for you so that he sees you as the only woman he ever needs. I’ll even tell you what happened after my Ultimate Romantic Date that Jen took me on... ... And how I did something that could only be classified as crazy love right there on the spot...! I’ll tell you about it in the video - because this could be the most important video you will see this year, or possibly ever. Don’t wait because it will only be available for a limited time.

Click the button you see below, or go to: www.PasswordToHisHeart.com to discover the three questions that will give you the password to his heart.

This is Carlos Cavallo, and I look forward to talking to you again soon...

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Communication Skills

Hey, this is Carlos Cavallo, and I want to welcome you back. We’ve got a great week for you. I’ve got some very cool content on the five relationship skills you have to have to keep a strong connection with a guy. These are the five communication skills you must have.

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Communication skills are relationship skills. They’re directly related. They are so close, in fact, that they are the exact same thing. You can’t have a relationship without communication. It’s that essential.

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Now, you can set things up from the beginning of a relationship so that a man naturally wants a commitment from you. He’s naturally the one asking you to be exclusive as well as giving you the kind of communication that you need, and you can basically count on him to communicate back with you.

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One of the things, and these are some kind of precursors, to setting up the good environment for communication is your posture and how you establish yourself. I’m going to give you quick example, and this is on the topic of boundaries.

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Boundaries are very, very important because basically those are the limits where you draw the line and prevent other people from infringing on your personal world, and that is your personal rights, your emotions, and essentially they’re the limits of what you’re going to put up with and what you won’t.

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Boundaries apply in small matters and big matters, and in pretty much every area of your life, in the romantic, to the physical, to the spiritual, to the practical, to your career, every single thing. !1


! Now, some people draw their boundaries really close to themselves, and they allow other people to infringe on their personal world radically, without any resistance. This is a bad personal boundary.

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Other people draw this huge, expanse boundaries that protect even their smallest and least significant rights and emotions constantly. They’re just relentless about these things.

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You’ve got to strike a balance between the two of them. Sometimes it’s bigger, sometimes the boundaries are smaller. But I want to give you a couple of dynamics, a couple of examples of this.

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The first example is a woman is getting on her train ride. Here in San Francisco Bay area we have this thing called Caltrans and Caltrain, which actually is a train that goes from San Jose up to San Francisco.

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So let’s just say a woman is on that train. She’s riding a busy train. There’s one seat available in her car that she got on to, but there’s this businessman and he’s sitting on one seat and he’s using that seat for his laptop bag while he’s working on his computer.

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Now, the woman basically wants to sit down and certainly she has a right to sit down, but she’s going to handle the situation differently depending on the strength of her boundaries. So there are three levels of boundaries, there is strong, medium and weak.

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The strong boundary is she’s going to walk up to the guy, on this guy that’s got his laptop bag there, and she’s going to ask him politely to move his bag please so she can sit down.

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! If she has medium boundaries, she might walk into his field of view, being a little tentative, a little bit sort of there hoping that he’s going to see her and take initiative and say, “Oh here, have a seat,” and he’ll move his bag himself. But if he doesn’t, she’ll just stay standing.

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Now, the woman with weak boundaries, she’s going to be too nervous about upsetting him at all. She’s going to tell herself, “I can just stand. It’s not that far,” and that’s exactly what she’s going to end up doing. She’ll basically let him override her boundaries without even saying anything, without even trying. So there’s an example of the strong, medium and weak boundaries.

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Let me give you another example just to help you understand even better. In our second example, a girl, she’s basically throwing a party, and the party has a theme. Everybody that came has to dress up in a costume of some kind. It’s not a Halloween party, but it is a costume party.

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Now, she wants to invite this guy that she’s got a crush on. Now, the idea of the party is that anybody who comes to the party has to wear a costume, and the girl knows that if she lets one person come in his normal everyday clothes or a girl to come in her everyday clothes, other people will do it too and then the theme will be ruined. It will just be weakened and it will basically mess up the party.

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Now, when she invites the guy she likes, he tells her that he liked to come, but he doesn’t have a costume to wear and he’s got no time between now and the party to actually go out and get one.

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So how would a girl with strong boundaries handle that?

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! Well, a woman with a strong boundaries will smile, maybe throw in a wink or a nudge to the guy, kind of a little bit of a, “Ha-ha, okay,” and tell him, “You know what, if you really want to come, you have to find a way to get a costume for the party.” She’s not going to let him ruin the party basically just because she likes him. Do you see what the difference is there?

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A woman with medium boundaries won’t bend on the requirements, but she might offer to help him find a costume. She’ll go out of her way and she’ll basically use up some of her personal time to accommodate him, maybe buy him a costume that he can put on when he gets there or something.

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A girl with weak boundaries would just tell the guy, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not a big deal, and you can just come anyway,” and he’ll end up coming without a costume and basically walking all over her, and he knows exactly what kind of a woman she is based on how she handles that situation.

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This is really important because these boundaries are so essential. People with weak boundaries can be thought of sometimes as being charitable and kind, but the reality is that sometimes that it’s very inaccurate to think people that way, and the people that have really strong boundaries are often perceived as jerks or bitches or even, pardon the term, assholes.

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But those labels are very inaccurate, it’s not true, and usually, basically, we give those labels because of the contrast between them and the person that has to experience the other person.

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A strong boundaries person isn’t necessarily a jerk. There are people that do have strong boundaries that are bitches, assholes or jerks, and there are people with weak boundaries that are kind and charitable people, but there are also people that do not fit those particular labels that have those issues.

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! Now, why am I going to all this detail about boundaries? Well, healthy boundaries are a sign of confidence, somebody who respects themselves, somebody who knows their own self worth. Weak boundaries typically, on the other hand, are a sign of insecurity and a low self-esteem.

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The woman who asked the guy in the train for a seat knows that she is just as good as that guy is. She’s just as deserving to get that seat, so she’s got no problem asking or even telling him to move his bag if she wants that seat, and she doesn’t really care what he thinks.

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The woman who lets her date show up without the costume is, again, weak boundaries, demonstrating that she’s below his league, below his level, and she’s afraid to basically do anything that might lose him.

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That’s where you know that you’ve crossed the line, when a woman or a man basically makes a concession because they don’t want to lose the other person, but that is an imaginary rule they’ve just created. They think in their mind, “Oh, if I do that, they won’t like me. If I do that, they won’t ever want to talk to me. If I do that, that’s too much. They’ll think I’m a jerk.”

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They define this basically because they’ve lowered their sense of self worth so low that they believe that people would reach this way to somebody who’s demonstrating a healthy boundary. Again, it all comes down to how you demonstrate it.

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I’ll admit that from many years of my life, I was a very strong boundary person, and I didn’t really express it very well, so I kind of fit that jerk and asshole category. I learned after a while why it is, that I can’t be a doormat, but I also learned why it is that I can’t use that as an excuse to treat people anything less than the best I can. It’s really important.

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! So back to the communication skills that you’ve got to have, because I want to make sure that you’re coming from the right place. You want to maintain that power in the relationship. You want to be able to have that good boundary, that good limit. You’ve got to be selective.

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So the five skills that I’m outlining here, and there’s some overlap between them and among them, but I’m trying to group them as best I can. The five skills go as follows…

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So let’s go through these really quickly. First of all, the first one is listening, and listening is not just waiting for your turn to speak as the saying goes. We’re not just waiting for our turn to talk, we’re actually paying attention to the other person.

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Unfortunately, most people do think that listening is nothing more than waiting for the other person to finish talking so that we can talk.

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The second part of it is being able to recognize between a person that’s venting, and a person who’s actually actively seeking a solution to their problem, a solution-oriented person.

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Women typically will talk about a problem they’re having and they just want to vent, and guys misunderstand this because guys are geared towards finding solutions for things, so when a guy hears this, he automatically assumes it’s not a venting thing, he assumes it’s a, “Oh, you need my help. Let me help you.”

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That’s one of the big differences in communication between men and women that you probably understand now after having gone through my programs, so you have to recognize that.

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! Recognize that men do the same thing. Recognize when he’s just venting and when he’s seeking a solution to his problem.

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Reacting appropriately is another part of a listening skill, which is to be able to react appropriately with whatever he says.

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Is he saying something that you should be going, “Aha, yeah,” that you should be responding to, or is he saying something you should just nod your head to, or is he saying something where you shouldn’t really respond at all and you should just give him your full focus and keep your eyes open and just look at him and absorb what it is he’s saying?

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There are different reactions for different situations.

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Another listening skill, and this is a tough one, don’t interrupt. It’s so tough, isn’t it? You want to throw in what it is you’ve got to say because you don’t want to forget it. That’s a lot of what happens, we don’t want to forget what it is, “Oh, I’ve got to say this before I forget to say this.”

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What it ends up doing is, it actually creates more of a disturbance in the communication. It actually interrupts the communication. It also pushes you further apart because he doesn’t feel heard. The same thing happens with you, when he interrupts you, the same thing. Don’t interrupt.

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Also is not getting defensive. The first response that actually kills most or any really good communication over a contentious subject is defensiveness. The second where you feel like you’ve got to save face, you’ve got to be defensive in some way, that’s when you make it very, very difficult to have the other person believe you’re even hearing them.

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! When you become defensive, you cut off the communication they need. It’s no longer a two-way street, and the dynamic of energy going between you, it’s cut off so that the energy basically feels like an attack and you’re the defender.

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There’s reflexive listening, and this is the ability to repeat things back to that person without having to sound like you’re a parrot, and unfortunately, people do know this skill, but execute it poorly in many cases.

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They’ve heard this before and so what they do is they repeat exactly the same thing what the other person said, in the exact same words, and it sounds like it’s being a parrot.

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So he says, “Honey, I just don’t feel that you’re really hearing about my needs these days.”

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And she looks at him and goes, “So you’re saying that I’m not really hearing about what your needs are these days.”

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And he looks at her and goes, “Yeah, that’s just what I said. Why are you just repeating back the exact same words? It doesn’t really sound like you’re actually listening. I just sounds like you’re being a parrot.”

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So you have to paraphrase, which is the ability to hear what he says and say it back in a slightly different way.

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And she would say in that case, “So okay, if I understand what you’re saying, you’re saying that I’m really hearing what it is that you need, unless you’ve tried to express it to me. Is that what you’re saying?” And then she asks that question again to seek clarification, to make sure that he feels understood. !8


! He’ll go, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m feeling.”

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But you’re not using the exact same words, and by paraphrasing, you immediately demonstrated that you understand because you said it a different way. It’s a very critical distinction in the ability to reflect back a person’s words.

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Remember, the other person doesn’t care about anything until they’re heard. You don’t care about what he’s got to say to you until you feel like he actually heard what you said to him in the first place, how you express your feelings to him, and the same thing goes both ways.

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That’s the listening skill.

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The next one is the apology skill. Now, why would we need the apology skill? Well, as a communication skill in relationships, it is absolutely critical. It’s the ability to basically own up and admit when you have made an error, or you have had a problem, or there is something that you need to acknowledge.

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It doesn’t mean that he hasn’t got any flaws. Unfortunately, this is the kind of double bind we get into. If we feel like he’s also got issues, well, we can’t admit to our own because then, well, that’s not fair.

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You’ve got to make it sincere. If you’re going to apologize for something, make it sincere. You can’t add in “but” at the end of it, “Well, honey, I’m sorry that you feel that way, but I…” Because immediately there, you’re like pushing them in a chest and pushing them back.

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! That’s the verbal equivalent of pushing a man back, because the “but” says that you’re not agreeing. The “sorry you feel that way” is a very insincere way of saying something, by the way. it’s also not a true apology. You’ve got to be careful about that one.

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I’ve used that frequently, and it’s not a real apology, it’s just feels fake and it also feels very thin. So don’t insert “but” in there. Make it a sincere apology if you have something to own up to.

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But on the other hand, but don’t apologize if you weren’t at fault. If you genuinely weren’t at fault, then don’t apologize, explain your position. Wait until he’s vented his emotions, and then come back to it with a clear explanation.

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You can say, “Honey, I really am sorry that you felt that way. I just didn’t know, however, I have to let you know I didn’t do that. I never called her up and said that.” So you do have to clarify. Don’t apologize for something that you didn’t do.

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Also, don’t withhold apologies to keep power. This is another pattern that we get into in relationships where we’d hold back on our apology to keep the power in our court, in our side of the equation.

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It’s very frequently done. It’s done frequently from the female side. Men do it too, but again it’s one of those things you’ve got to be aware of where you hold back on apologizing because if you were to apologize, well, suddenly now you’ve given up power.

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You’ve made yourself one below your partner.

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! That’s the way we often look at these things, however, that’s not the way it really is. If you do it confidently and you don’t make it a case of, “Oh God, I was so wrong. How could you even love me? Here, shoot me. I’m just worthless.”

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No, that’s not how you handle it. You say, “Look, I’m so sorry I did that, sweetie. I never really intended to say it that way, and I’m sorry if that’s what I did. I just didn’t mean to do that.” And then you move forward confidently. You don’t sit there and wallow in the apology.

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If the person kind of makes you feel like you should, like you need to sit there and stew in your apology and feel really, really bad, well, you’ve got to have an issue with that because that shows a very immature response on their part. Simple apology is all you need.

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Maybe one, maybe two, but not much more than that. Apologies do not have to go on forever and they should not be repeated over and over, or have to be repeated over and over.

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Typically, one apology is enough after the other person has vented. If they haven’t gotten all the emotions out of their system, they may need more than one apology simply because they don’t feel like the emotion has been fully vented out and purged from their system.

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So the next skill is how to argue fairly, how to turn a conflict into something good. Well, first, pick your battles. This is something I learned that is really important is that some things you just need to let go. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or they’re wrong, but the small things sometimes you just have to let go. Even if they’re wrong, you may just have to ignore it.

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! I’ve had to learn that within my relationship, that frequently my partner, Jen, will do something wrong, and I just have to let it go, or one of our kids will do something wrong, and you know what, I can’t point out every single one of them. I can’t be the jerk doing that, so I have to let some of those things go.

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I have to pick my battles that really have the most impact and think long term, “Is my bringing this up going to make things better?” Now, sure, yes, you have a need to express your feelings, but sometimes, you really don’t have to.

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Sometimes you mistake this need to express ourselves which modern society has granted us like it’s an entitlement. No, sometimes you don’t get to express all of your feelings the way you want to, but you know what, a mature adult can deal with that.

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Now, when you’re arguing and you’re arguing fairly, you’re going to have to keep on topic. Don’t get distracted. Don’t get pulled off course. You want to keep it neutral.

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You don’t want to get personal, and that again is something that happens when emotions come into the mix, especially when it come to the fore. Be careful about things getting too personal where you start pulling in details.

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This also kind of falls in line with keeping things on topic. If you become distracted, if you start bringing in things that don’t belong in the argument, it can often turn personal without intending it to be.

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Remember what’s your goal for this conversation, what are you trying to accomplish? This is where it helps to avoid tempers. If you start feeling that your emotions are boiling over, take a break, call a time out.

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! Say, “Look, I got to go and pee or something,” and just break off from the conversation, take a break and come back to it. Let your emotions cool off. It’s the old count to 10 thing.

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No name calling or ranting. It’s really, really important. especially in handling conflict, that we don’t use names of any kind. We don’t rant on the other person and use this as an excuse to basically dump our emotional baggage all over them. Do it maturely. Do it fairly.

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If you need to do that kind of purging and name calling or ranting, maybe you get a therapist that can listen to you rant about that stuff. But don’t expect your partner to accept it. It’s not fair, and it’s also not a mature way of handling it.

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Don’t use their behavior to scourge yours, and what I mean by that is, a lot of people tend to bring in the other person’s behaviors to defend themselves.

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So if I go to my partner and say, “Look, honey, you’ve got to make sure to lock the door at night because it’s unsafe sometimes in this neighborhood and I don’t want anybody just wandering into our house. It’s really important, you can’t forget that.”

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And then she comes back to me with, “Well, you know, you forget to close the garage door sometimes.”

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Now, even if that’s true, and it may very well be, it’s an unfair defense for the situation. One wrong does not make another wrong right. As the saying goes, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” That’s where it comes from. You have to resist that urge to use the other person’s behavior to excuse your own.

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! The fact is in that situation with the doors not being locked, it was both persons’ fault but separate situations. One does not immediately negate the other. In other words, my leaving the garage door open would not negate my ability to bring it up to Jen that the front door was left unlocked, otherwise, what are we both doing? We’re both perpetuating the problem instead of coming to the solution.

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That’s why it helps to, of course, be neutral and not be too emotional about these things because they can very often bite you in the ass when the other person does eventually come around to bringing up the same thing.

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Again, the defense of “well, you do it” is not a valid one for most of these conversations. If there is a situation like that where the other person is doing something similar, you have to ask yourself, “Why didn’t she say something about theirs?”

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What’s important is that you feel empowered to be able to bring up that topic to them at a separate time. As the saying goes, “We’re not talking about me.” It means that by deflecting it back on the other person simply because they’ve made errors in the past does not really absolve you of yours.

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I hope that’s clear. It’s very important. It’s tough to handle sometimes because it feels so unfair when you’re in a conversation and you know the other person has made similar errors, but they’re pointing out yours are of the same kind.

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It doesn’t make your situation change. It just means that something happened there where you didn’t feel comfortable or safe bringing it up to them. Why not? Why didn’t you tell them about them leaving the garage door open or whatever it is that they were doing wrong? Ask yourself. That’s a very important thing to know. !14


! No name calling or ranting, and of course, don’t use their behavior to excuse yours. Listen to their point as well as your own. It’s really important in the whole listening process.

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It’s actually probably would be a fair bullet point for the listening section, but being able to listen to their points and their feelings as well as your own during the course of an argument. I’m assuming that this is a conversation maybe you started.

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You have to be willing to let the other person tell you why that thing happened. Again, the defense is not, “Oh, you did it, so if I do it, it’s okay.” No, it’s listening to their reasoning as to why it happened.

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Keep everything in the present, no past hurts. If you have past hurts that you’re bringing up again, that’s a different issue. There’s something there that needs to be addressed.

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If you’re still harboring ill will, negative emotions, hurt, whatever it may be over past events, well, there’s something going on there. Why are you holding on to those? Did you have a conversation about those and not resolved it? Did you have a conversation and resolved it, but you still can’t let it go?

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Ask yourself why is that happening, why are you unable to let go of that thing, because again it is a not fair sort of thing to bring those into our current conversations, in our current arguments.

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Keep it in the present tense, what’s going on with this one thing, and then later on, if you have some grievances you want to bring up, well, by all means, do that. But again, this is a common situation.

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! It’s more so with women who don’t want to rock the boat sometimes in a relationship and what they will do is kind of push these things down deep inside where they build up resentment, and unfortunately, contempt. You can’t do that.

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Then when the husband or the guy or the boyfriend brings up something and it becomes an argument, then they feel like, “Oh, I’m going to lose now, I’m going to pull out all these things.” Do you see how that happens? It’s very tricky, and it also will trip up your relationship.

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With arguments, you also want to make sure to express things using “I” statements, not “you” statements, like you do this, you do that, you make me.

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No, we don’t make each other, and we don’t make other people do things. We want to believe that, but we’re not victims, we’re perfectly capable of controlling our own emotions and our actions. What is often not realized is, we’re choosing not to.

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So when you express things, use “I” statements as in, “I feel like we have to… I’m really going through a tough time…” When you create it from your point of view and your emotional perspective, well, you can’t argue with it, and he’s going to think a little differently about how he responds to you as well.

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He’s not going to be immediately defensive when he hears that. He’s going to hear on something that he feels like he should probably help you with as opposed to try and save face or defend themselves from. It’s a very big difference. When he hears “you,” he hears an attack. When he hears “I,” he hears something that he needs to pay attention to.

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! Of course, in every argument, leave a little bit of room for compromise. Sometimes we can’t have it all our way, and sometimes they can’t have it all their way, and sometimes we have to meet somewhere in that middle.

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That’s what compromise is about, and knowing when to give in a little bit here and there so that both people can at least not feel like they were taken advantage of in the situation is so essential.

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So after knowing how to argue fairly, the next conversation and communication skill you’ve got to have is the vulnerability. Vulnerability is an element that is often overlooked. It’s an essential and critical component to every friendship, every relationship we have. You can’t have a loving relationship without a certain level of vulnerability.

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What does that mean? It means sometimes you’ve got to open up, and this has been a very difficult path for a lot of guys is knowing where they need to open up, how they can express themselves, particularly with sharing emotions.

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For women, I’ve seen it’s more of a sharing information side of things. Very often women will hold onto information protectively, and it becomes a ground of contention with the guys, and the guys, they withhold their emotions. They don’t share what’s actually going on in their feelings because they’re not used to it.

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They’re not feeling as competent and explaining it and describing those emotions, so there are again two sides of this. Vulnerability is that opening up of ourselves. It allows the other person to see who we really are.

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! It’s tricky because we don’t want to be vulnerable in the way of showing them our potential weakness and having the other person use it against us. That’s an unfair vulnerability. It’s an unfair way of using vulnerability.

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Being vulnerable also means listening without defending. It’s back to the one that I just spoke about a moment ago in the argument’s area. It’s that ability to listen to a person and you can hear what they’re saying without having to defend yourself.

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You can think, “Maybe what he’s saying is right. Maybe I need to look at this. Maybe I shouldn’t just kneejerk defend myself and try and save face. Maybe I should stop and let the façade down for a second and let this in, instead of trying to deflect it so that I can protect my ego and protect how I am viewed by the other person.”

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Remember, men have a lot less experience describing their emotional state and their inner experience, so this vulnerability thing can be very difficult for them, just from that aspect alone.

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They don’t know how to explain their emotions away quite as well. They’re not as used to the subtle nuances of mixing and overlapping emotions even, but women are, women have a much wider and more diverse emotional vocabulary and emotional spectrum to go through.

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Don’t react to criticism with defensiveness. It sounds like maybe a repeat of something I’ve already said, but think about that again, don’t react to their criticism with defensiveness, and this one is really, really tough.

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It’s really tough and it’s probably the single most necessary skill to have in conflict and in arguments and in our communications with our loved ones. It’s this ability to not react and lash out at the other person.

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! Sometimes what they’re saying is totally wrong, and you know what, even if it is, you’ve got to be able to stop for a second with a quiet conscience and a quiet heart and be able to sit there and go...

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“You know what, I can wait. I know he’s wrong, and I know I need to explain this, but I can wait, and I can let him vent it out, and then I can come back and refute it instead of jumping right in with, ‘No, no, no, you’re wrong. Let me tell you why.”

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Because on the other person, even if you are right and they are wrong, they’re not going to hear because they never really got to fully express their own emotions, and this is especially true for guys who have a hard enough time with it as it is.

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Again, this is super tough and it’s probably the number one thing you have to work on, it is this ability to stop yourself when you feel the immediacy, the urgency to defend yourself, and stop and just go, “Wait, I’m going to wait, and I’m going to hear it out.”

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Of course, being vulnerable also requires you to take responsibility from time to time. Sometimes you’ve got to take responsibility for the things you did wrong and just admit it, and that’s a vulnerability to be able to do that.

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The last skill I’m going to talk to you about is balancing honesty with kindness. It’s knowing when complete honesty isn’t always needed.

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Sometimes in relationships, we feel like we should be able to say anything, tell anything, and do anything. It’s supposed to be like this area where we just drop all boundaries between us and the other person.

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! In fact, this is really not the case. Not that you should be hiding things, by any stretch, but you still have to think about how you communicate. You have to know when you should be able to tell things, and when you shouldn’t be able to tell the complete truth to the other person.

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It still hurts that a man loves you in a way that you probably would never admit, and then that involves a certain amount of vulnerability that goes way beyond what many women understand from a man.

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So knowing when to be very completely honest and when to maybe coat it with a little bit of sugar, maybe make it a little more digestible, a little bit more less in his face. It might lack a little bit of the punch, but at the same time, it will save so much more in terms of his feelings for you.

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Avoiding the guilt of this as well. Avoiding the guilt of being honest with the other person. Very often we get caught up in a trap of feeling guilty over things, and we’ll want to express certain things. Well, some things we just don’t need to tell our partner. They’re not just that important.

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If you’ve ever had a moment where you’ve got done with a conversation and thought to yourself, “Geez, I probably shouldn’t have said that,” you know what I’m talking about. There are certain things we don’t necessarily need to tell our partner.

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Now, I’m not talking about things in the order of, “Oh, I almost slept with that guy.” Or as a woman feeling any of these like, “I’ve got emotions for my boss at work,” some of those feelings may not be the ones you want to express to him. Maybe you need to find out what’s at the heart of those before you go expressing that part.

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! Avoiding basically the over honesty and over share. There’s a term in the modern circles, and it’s actually a book that it’s fairly good, but I have to caution you about. It’s called Radical Honesty.

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Radical honesty has become something of a pattern in recent years, especially up here in the Northern California area, and it’s highly over rated for being more genuine and more authentic.

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If you say what’s really on your mind, I can just tell him anything I want. I can just tell him, “Honey, you look stupid in that shirt.” What that is, it’s over honesty. It’s the excuse of, “Well, I’m just being honest.”

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Well, yes, you have that going for you, but at the same time, you also have a responsibility to go with that honesty, and that responsibility is the same as a doctor would have, which is to cause no harm. If you’re going to be honest, there are ways to communicate it so that it gets the result you want.

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No matter how much we may think, our honesty is refreshing and, “Oh God, I’m so glad you just said it that way,” there’s a lot of times when we’re saying it a little too harshly where we get into the pattern of saying it too harshly.

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Agreed, this is probably not something that happens as frequently as the other extreme which is we don’t express anything of our honest, but just be aware, you don’t want to go too far at the other end of the spectrum as well. You have to find ways to communicate how you’re feeling clearly without making it abusive.

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Because that’s what radical honesty often becomes. It becomes abusive. The other person goes, “Well, I’m so glad you told me that. It was so good to hear that honesty from you.”

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! And what he’s really thinking inside was, “Geez, if only she’d just kick me in the balls with a steel boot, why did she say it like that? Wasn’t there a better way to say it?”

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But he can’t refute it, but at the same time he’s also thinking, “That could have been handled a little bit more sensitively.” Be aware of that radical honesty. Know when to be kind with what you have to say to the other person, and that affects your communications with your loved one so much more.

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I finished this section up. I’m going to give you cognitive distortions. Now, these are ten of the most common and they’re officially recognized cognitive distortions.

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What are cognitive distortions? These are things that we do in your brains to change reality. A cognitive distortion is when we change what we see to fit our own internal explanation for something or to justify ourselves in some way.

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You’ve got to be aware of them because you do these, everybody does these, and we do them all the time. These patterns are something you should watch out for in your thinking and know when they’re happening. You may not be able to immediately stop it. It may happen anyway, but at least you’ll recognize them when they come.

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The first example I want to give you is “all or nothing thinking.” All or nothing thinking, this type of distortion is typically the culprit when people think in extremes. There’s no gray areas or middle ground.

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! All or nothing thinkers often use words like always and never when describing things. Have you ever heard this in an argument, “You always do that. I always get stuck in traffic. My boss never listens to me. You never listen to me.”

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This type of thinking can magnify the stress in your life, making a lot of things seem like bigger problems than they actually might be, so watch out of all or nothing thinking. “Either you’re with me or you’re against me” is another one of those all or nothing thinking.

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Over-generalization, those people that are prone to over-generalize tend to take isolated events and assume that all future events are going to be exactly the same or follow the same pattern.

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For example, an over-generalizer who faces a rude sales clerk might start believing all sales clerks are rude and that shopping is always going to be stressful.

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Mental filters are another form of cognitive distortion that we do. Those people who tend towards mental filtering may gloss over positive events and hold a magnifying glass to the negative.

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I’m guilty of this. Ten things can go right, but a person operating on the influence of a mental filter might only notice the one thing that goes wrong, and I’m sure you’ve known people like this. Add a little bit of overgeneralization and an all or nothing thinking to the equation, you’ve got a recipe for very certain stress.

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Another cognitive distortion is disqualifying the positive. This is very similar to mental filtering. Those who disqualify the positive tend to treat positive events as being flukes. They’re just, “Oh, that’s just a one-off.”

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! Then what they do is they cling to a more negative world view, a more pessimistic world view and a set of low expectations for the future.

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Have you ever tried to help somebody that you know, a girlfriend maybe, to solve a problem only to have every solution that you throw with them shot down with a, “Yeah, but… Yeah, but…”? Well, that’s this particular distortion. It’s exactly what it is.

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Jumping to conclusion is another one. We do this in arguments. We do this in communication with our partners. We do this one all the time. Rather than letting the evidence bring us to a logical conclusion, we set our sights on a conclusion of our own.

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It’s often a negative one. It’s often one that we’re patterned to look for, and then we look for evidence to back it up, ignoring any evidence to the opposite.

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The kid who decides that everybody in his new class is going to hate him because he’s new in town and he knows that they’re only acting nice to him in order to keep from being punished, well, he’s jumping to conclusions.

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Now, conclusion jumpers can often fall prey to mindreading where they believe they actually know the true intentions of other people without having to actually talked to them. This is one that we all do, and I’m sure you’ve done this yourself.

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Even fortune telling, this is predicting how things will turn out in the future and believing those predictions to be true based on generalizations. Can you think of adults you know who do this? I bet you can.

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! The next one is magnification and minimization. This is similar to mental filtering and disqualifying the positive, and this particular cognitive distortion involves placing a stronger emphasis on negative events and downplaying the positive ones.

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A customer service representative who only notices the complaints and fails to notice the positive interactions that he or she has, well, they’re a victim of magnification of one thing and minimizing another.

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Another form of this particular distortion is known as catastrophizing where you imagine and then expect the worst possible scenario. Some of our moms have done this. My mom used to do it quite a bit. Again, it’s leading to a lot of stress.

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Emotional reasoning, this is really important. This is also sometimes called “emotional estimation.” It’s a close relative of jumping to conclusions, and it involves ignoring certain facts when we draw our conclusions.

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Emotional reasoners will consider their emotions about a situation as being real evidence rather than objectively looking at the facts.

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“You know, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed, therefore, my problems must be completely beyond my ability to solve them.” It’s kind of an all or nothing thinking there too. Or, “I’m angry with you, therefore, you have to be in the wrong. I have to be right.”

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Those are both examples of this faulty emotional reasoning. Sometimes you make emotional reasoning or emotional estimations based on past experience. “Oh, I’ve never been able to get a past stock to perform for me, so I just don’t even bother investing anymore. It’s totally not worth it.”

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! That’s an emotional estimation. It’s not even based on fact at all, but again, people use this as justification for their particular behaviors and actions. Acting on these beliefs as fact can understandably contribute to even more problems for you to have to solve.

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Another cognitive distortion is “should” statements. People who rely on “should” statements tend to have very rigid rules, by themselves or other people or expectations from them as a kid, and they always need to be followed, at least in their minds.

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That’s what they see. They don’t see flexibility in circumstances or different situations, and they put themselves under considerable stress trying to live up to these self-imposed expectations or rules. If your internal dialogue involves a large number of “I should do that. I should do that. I should do that,” you might be under the influence of this particular distortion.

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Labeling and mislabeling, those people who label or mislabel habitually place labels that are often inaccurate or negative on themselves and other people like, “He’s a whiner. You know, she’s been a phony. She’s twofaced. Or I’m just a worrier. That’s all I’ve ever been.”

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These labels tend to define people and they contribute to this very one dimensional view of them. They don’t see any depth to the person beyond this one particular behavior we’ve attributed to them, and it paves the way from many more over generalizations to jump in.

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Labeling cages people into roles that don’t always apply to them. It actually disputes and refutes their three-dimensionality, and it prevents us from seeing people as we really are. It’s also a huge no-no when we get into relationship conflicts.

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! And the last cognitive distortion I want to warn you about today is personalization. Those people who personalize their stress in their life tend to blame themselves or other people for things, which they have no control over, creating stress where it actually doesn’t exist. It’s something we’re fabricating in total imaginary situations.

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Those people prone to personalization tend to blame themselves for the actions of other people, or blame other people for their own feelings. This is a big one. When we say this, somebody else made us feel a certain way, we’re ignoring the fact that we always choose our interpretation of events.

!

People don’t make us feel anything, but the way we interpret their words does. I’ll give you an example. If I were to walk up to you and just look you into the face with a big, ugly sneering look and say, “You’re just a greenblooded Vulcan,” what would you feel?

!

You’ll probably look at me and go, “Dude, what are you on? Get out of here.” You’d just be like, “What,” and walk away. Why does that reaction come up? Well, because you know that it just doesn’t have any impact on you, “A green-blooded Vulcan,” what is that? That’s not me. That has no bearing on it.”

!

But if I were to walk up to you and with a same expression look at you and go, “You know something, you are so insecure,” and then I just like sneered at you,

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Then you’d look at me and you’d go, “What? Why do you say that?” Now, we have an argument because you’d actually buy into the possibility that I could be right. Maybe a part of you suspects that you are insecure.

!

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! Maybe you are a little insecure, and that’s something you’re working on, but now I’ve accused you of it, and now it become something of a “What?” Now, you freak out. This is where we get into a situation of why would the first thing bother you, which was totally false, you’re not a green-blooded Vulcan.

!

What if you’re not truly insecure and I still said that to you? Well, part of you suspects it might be true, and so you respond on it and then you blame me for making you feel that way. “You made me feel angry for calling me that. Why did you call me insecure like that?”

!

Now, I’ve kind of drawn that example out a little bit just to give you a certain imaginary viewpoint – I call these thought experiments – to really look at how you respond to other people’s statements and comments about you. You control your reactions to them, especially when it comes to your partner.

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The reason that our partners have such a tight grip on our emotions is because we suspect that we’ve let them see so much of us that what they say about us is so true. It must be true. They are so intimate with us that they are in the truth zone and we have to look at whatever they say about us with this very hyper-critical and hyper-aware viewpoint.

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We also start to blame other people, and namely, our partners, for our feelings. Just remember, any of these cognitive distortions that I’ve talked to you about here today, if you see them, that’s important. That’s the good thing.

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If they feel familiar in any way, that’s great because that means you’re able to recognize them, and that’s the first step for you to be able to get past it, and that’s what I want for you is to be able to recognize these in your communications. !28


! Recognize when they’re happening. Don’t call the other person out on it, but know that, “Oh yes, see what he’s doing, he’s over-generalizing, and I got to work around that a little bit.”

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You develop your own strategy for handling the other person without trying to say, “Hey, you know what you’re doing there? You were disqualifying the positive. You’re so pessimistic. Stop disqualifying the positive.” No, you don’t want to do it that way. You’re not becoming this person’s therapist or psychotherapist in any way.

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Just recognize it and develop your strategies to get around it because now you understand where they’re coming from. Most of the time these things happen because of emotions, and once we get past the charged emotions of a situation, we’re able to come to more rational solutions for our problems.

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It’s very important to understand, and of course, it’s a very important part of understanding these five communication skills. So I’ve given you quite a bit here. I really think this is one section you should review at least three or four times. I’ve given you a lot of information in it and I want to make sure that you really pull it all in.

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Review the five skills and then listen to the cognitive distortions that I explained to you, and maybe you can go and do a little bit more research because there are more cognitive distortions than those, but those are the most important ones, and they’re actually officially recognized that psychologists, therapists and other mental health workers use as references when they work with people.

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Forever Yours: The Secret Password To His Heart PDF, eBook by Carlos Cavallo | Complete Program  

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