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The 7 ways you sabotage your

Relationship No one will deny that in today’s world, relationships are fraught

that could lead to marriage.

with difficulty. At one time it was assumed that relationships led to One of the main reasons that people marriage and that marriage was are unsuccessful in relationships is tied for life. The generation born in to self-sabotaging behaviour. What during and after World War I is sabotage?

Sabotage is defined as

showed us what it would be like “the treacherous action used to to be married to the same hinder a cause or endeavour.” So, person for 50+ years. However, self-sabotage




as we enter into 2011 we see action used against ones self to that there has been a breakdown hinder





in family life with divorce at an endeavour.” In fact, saboteurs were alarming rate of 50% and a often linked to traitors, those who decrease in marriages around committed treacherous or treasonous the western world. Despite this, acts





there are many who still desire Therefore, we can say that a person to marry and settle down with a who commits self sabotage is in fact, family,



problems committing treasonous acts against

establishing strong relationships themselves.

Let us look at some of the treachery we perpetrate against ourselves in the area of relationships.


An insecure person will lack confidence in their own ability and value. Invariably, this lack of confidence in their value will result in a lack of trust for someone else’s value. They may feel in a positive state, but harbour fears that the positive feelings are only temporary and will cause them loss when those feelings disappear. Insecurity is an emotional interpretation of oneself. Manifestations of insecurity may be shyness, jealousy, or perhaps arrogance or even bullying.

It is possible that insecure people use strong characteristics as a shield by which to hide their insecurity. Within the contexts of relationships, insecurity creates jealousy and erodes trust. Within the insecure person, issues can be fabricated from an insecure mind that has no foundation in truth. Since insecurity is an emotional experience, it is very difficult for the insecure person to see reason and logic when they believe there is a problem in the relationship.

ORIGINS: The template of insecurity has its roots in childhood. Perhaps we experienced a lack of security in the family structure, possibly by being rejected, abandoned or overlooked in some way. These insecurities have remained undetected and are now manifesting itself within the romantic relationship. Insecurities can be overcome if we want to remove it.


Closely tied in to insecurity, is the need for individuals to control their relationships. Since control enables power, the one who controls the relationship has the most power and therefore, has most of their needs met. The victim serves the needs of the controller. Both men and women are guilty of controlling behavior. Some people, for example have a need to have things their own way. Entering into a new relationship, the controller will seek to impose their ideas on the new partner. There is very little consideration for the victims needs and desires and if the victim is passive in nature, the controller will push their manifesto through with little resistance.

Controllers tend to have the misguided view that what they do is for the benefit of both parties when in reality, it serves their cause only.

ORIGINS: This need for control is also borne out of insecurities learned in childhood and can be rectified if given sufficient attention.

3) THE MARTYR The desire to help others is innate within all human beings. Yet to constantly desire to rescue others during relationships is a sure sign of self-sabotage. If you find that you are drawn to partners who need constant help and attention, then that is a sign that you are a martyr/rescuer.

Perhaps you are currently with someone who has serious physical, financial and emotional problems. You may be playing the role of the parent, giving them parental advice. Perhaps your partner has been hurt in the past and you feel obligated to “make it up” to them. If you are a rescuer, then understand that unless you deal with the core issue, i.e. your need to rescue others, then all your relationships are doomed. These types of relationships are draining on you, but you are waiting for the big payoff, the day when your partner gets back on their feet again and crowns you as their champion for saving them. Of course, this will never happen, but you delude yourself that if you try a little bit harder, then things will work out.

ORIGINS: This behaviour usually stems from unfinished emotional wounds from childhood. Perhaps, we ourselves were never rescued or we tried to rescue our parents, (perhaps from alcoholism) and now our life’s mission is to rescue our partners. Invariably, we will be attracted to broken individuals like ourselves. Our “fixing” them distracts us from the “fixing” that we need to do within.

4) ATTENTION SEEKER Another self-sabotaging technique


is the need to be centre stage or

attention seeking is very common

needing inordinate amounts of

and in large part promoted by the

attention. While it is normal for

media through reality shows and

people to seek a sense of self-

glossy magazines. It is no longer

worth and validation, there are


some who seem to make a virtual

Everyone now needs to feel like a

career out of attention-seeking


behavior. Whether this is done by

individuals have the emotional

the way they dress or what they

age of a child and often do not


understand their own motivations.











“ordinary.� types

conjure up, these individuals want you to notice them at any cost.

ORIGINS: Needing a lot of attention has its roots in childhood. Without sufficient attention during this crucial time, a child is left to question their value. In adulthood they seek to create this value by drawing attention to themselves to compensate for neglect in their younger years.

5) NEEDINESS Let us consider another trait which works against us and that is the trait of neediness. In western society, our understanding of what love is, has been taught, not by parents or educators, but by movies and literature. The message of these movies and books suggest that people lack love in their life. In other words, if your love life is not similar to the one presented here in this book or movie, you do not have it and consequently, you need to go out and find it!


A needy person is so outwardly


that they fail to see Based on these fallacious teachings about love



both men and women have been duped into



believing that, “movie love” is what they need to


fulfil them. In fact, they define this as true love.

genesis of this issue

Our whole ethos about love stems from this

comes from a time in

deceptive teaching and based on this premise we

problem within The

life when there were

end up with a misguided need to feel fulfilled from

a number of needs

someone else.



persons The focus of needy people is themselves, having their needs satisfied and imposing penalties on their partners when their needs go unmet. Needy people are externally oriented, everything is wrong about the external,

in life

this and


therefore like many

enough”, “they don’t like me”,

self-sabotaging traits,

“no one cares about me” are


the types of expressions heard


from these types.

dynamic playing out.








An often overlooked area of self-sabotage has to do with the fear of intimacy. Intimacy is defined as “a close, familiar,and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.” A fear of intimacy displays a fear of sharing of oneself with others. This is usually done to hide the parts of ourselves that are “defective”. We perpetuate this fear by not allowing others to get close to us or if put, “under the spotlight” we shut down as a means of self-protection. We may feel that to “open up” exposes us to betrayal and therefore we have developed a self-protection mechanism which ultimately prevents us from getting close to anyone. At our core, we believe that we are unlovable or unworthy, perhaps we were the victim of rejection and abandonment and we have lived with this perception of betrayal and unworthiness ever since.


7) BAGGAGE HANDLERS To some degree, we must be realistic and understand that we all carry baggage. However, the thing that prevents many people from enjoying love and fulfillment is that they have not removed baggage from their previous relationships. Too often, I have observed that many people will break up with a partner after a three year relationship and then within a month, they will be involved with someone new! They will claim that they are “over” the previous person but in actuality they are not “over” the effects of that

There has been no time or space

relationship. The fear of being alone is what drives many people to

for critical analysis, no corrections

seek new relationships even though they have not purged

of attitude, no lessons learned.

themselves of the old one. Do you realize that there are many

Instead, they move from one

people who have never lived alone for any period of time since they

relationship to the next, never

left their parents home?

realizing where things are going

They leave their parents and move in with their partner or get

wrong. This is self sabotage at its

married. That relationship breaks down, they move in with someone


else and so it goes on.

These are a few of the self-sabotaging traits that prevent enjoying




relationships. Notice that most of these traits have their origins in childhood. Although there are cases where these traits may develop at a later date, most professionals in the field


psychology/counseling agree that the formative years of a Childs life within the family structure as well as their environment plays a significant part in their development. These selfsabotaging traits can be overcome. Often it takes self-awareness along with concerted effort to combat these issues. I hope this report has been useful to you. If it has, please pass it on to your friends and acquaintances.

My website provides information that is useful for anyone wanting to understand love dynamics and how to enjoy more fruitful relationships.

Until next time,

Tony Cross

(Relationship coach)

7 ways to sabotage your relationship  

Learn the seven ways in which you sabotage your relationships and what you can do about it!

7 ways to sabotage your relationship  

Learn the seven ways in which you sabotage your relationships and what you can do about it!