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There is absolutely nothing quite like a nice hookup then waking up in an unfamiliar bed lying next to an unfamiliar guy who is resting his unfamiliar parts all over your very familiar girly bits. It will suddenly dawn on you that you’ve awaken in somebody else’s house. So how exactly do you exit from of an awkward morning-after hookup situation without sneaking out of a halfawake guy’s window or admitting that you can’t remember what his name is? The Family Outing M.O. Memorize this by heart: “Oh no, I can’t believe it’s so late! I completely forgot that I’m supposed to go shopping/have brunch/do my taxes with my dad/older ex-Marine brother/increasingly senile gramps. By using the family card, he can’t suggest you blow it off without looking like a jerk, or casually invite himself along without looking like he’s trying to marry you. The “Oh Shit, I Forgot to Take My Meds” M.O. Jump out of bed and start to frantically search your purse while mumbling to yourself, “Wednesday, Thursday… What’s today again? How could I forget to take the pill three days in a row?” You can alternately substitute your birth control pill of choice for insulin injections, any kind of anxiety treatment drugs, etc. The Crazy Girl M.O. Stare at his forehead until he wakes up. And once he sees you staring at him, start bursting hysterically into tears. Go into fetal position, or sit while rocking back and forth, and talk about how you broke your commitment with your boyfriend or Jesus in between sobs. The Clingy Hopeful M.O. Make yourself comfortable and make it look like you’ve settled in quite nicely. Slip into one of his tees when he gets up to shower and follow him to the bathroom, all the while talking about not having any real plans for the day. Ask if he has an extra toothbrush that you could use, and then ask if it’s alright to leave it there for “the next time.” There is a good chance he will suddenly


remember that he needs to go shopping/have brunch/do his taxes with his dad/older ex-Marine brother/increasingly senile gramps. The Last Desperate Escape Through the Window M.O. Request for a glass of water then skedaddle out of the window when he walks out of the bedroom. If you’re still in your shoes from last night, consider leaving them as a parting gift. This is a good way to avoid breaking your ankle as you drop from the fire escape.


The Morning-After Hookup Escape Plan