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Hanover Review Inc. P.O. Box 343 Hanover NH, 03755

Volu m e 3 7 , Is su e 15

Mond ay, Febr u ar y 1 9 , 2 0 1 8

LUDICROUS ASSUMPTIONS: THE SATIRE ISSUE

PRESIDENT PHIL HANLON rides into battle against the forces defending the Old Traditions

Image Courtesy of Ourselves

Fifty Shades In Memoriam: The Dartmouth Sentinel of Red Descartes Horace

Contributor It’s been a good run. With a life span of less than a year, The Sentinel joins the ranks of the Arab Federation for shortest lived utopias. As of February 12, 2018, at 8:30 P.M., the last fighting ideologue of The Sentinel’s revolution laid down his spear and admitted to being a paid shill after all. Surprisingly, The Sentinel was not an arm of the Democratic National Committee, and was not in any way, shape, or fashion, run using Super PAC funding. The mandatory Latin quote on The Sentinel’s website read, “Vox Clamantis in Publico,” which translates to “The voice of one crying in public.” Crying, as it would seem, would

become a central tenet in The Sentinel’s dissolution. The downfall of The Sentinel is a tragedy of which not even Shakespeare could dream of writing. When the Grand Council decided The Review needed opposition after The Dartmouth’s demise left a power vacuum, The Dartmouth Sentinel was created in response. The publication, sought to provide a middle ground between the fascist administration and the communist Dartmouth Radical, who has yet to publish anything in English. Each member on The Sentinel’s masthead thought they were infiltrating an up-and-coming organization. Nobody was in on the plot, only being told that they were “perform-

ing a service for their country.” The only suitable analogy would be that of the FBI infiltrating the local Dartmouth ISIS chapter and finding out that all the members are agents. In an effort to remain committed to such an operation, all the planted members took up pseudonyms. These ranged from typical-ivy-league-student to def initely-on-a-watchlist. The Sentinel never held face-to-face meetings, but rather would hold their meetings through Morse code in the stacks of Baker-Berry. Sometimes articles would make their way through the college’s intra-campus mail service, only to reach the Hinman Box of a long-deceased student. The smoke and

mirrors behind The Sentinel’s operations are so revolutionary that some of the writers have been tapped to head Hillary Clinton’s 2020 Presidential Campaign. By avoiding labels, and therefore political stances, The Sentinel was effectively immune to critique. The centrist leanings of the publication allowed for a certain moral superiority complex. To seem centrist, the paid operatives began to review The Review. These pieces, many of which were delivered through Keystone Light bottles across Occom Pond, soon found their way into the hands of Dartmouth’s most liberal denizens.

> FEATURES PAGE 9

Scrod Herringford Andrew L. Skilling Contributors

Editor’s Note: Through an encompassing survey, Review Editors Scrod Herring ford and Andrew L. Skilling sought to distill the experience of conservative students at Dartmouth College into fifty quotations. They worked tirelessly to collect the thoughts, hopes, and dreams of Conservative members of the Dartmouth community. Their findings were eye-opening, enlightening, and indicative of conservatism’s bright future. Here, published in full, is their complete report. 1. “I’m fiscally conservative, but socially liberal.”

2. “I’m not evil, I support gay marriage and abortion and things like that.” 3. “I support the Republican Party, not Trump.” 4. “I support Trump, not the Republican Party.” 5. “I like guns and hate paying taxes, but one time my girlfriend had to get an abortion and I honestly didn’t feel that bad about it” 6. “I really want to write for the Review, but I’m thinking about pursuing a PhD. in English and I just can’t have my brand associated with conservatism.”

> FEATURES PAGE 7

THE REVIEW PLEADS GUILTY

THE REVIEW WITHOUT MEN

THE FREEDOM BUDGET REVISITED

Plot Twist: The Review is not all that it seems to be, and the revolution is imminent

The Review looks at this year’s March For Life prostests in the nation’s capital

We present an updated list of demands for the administration and demand a response

> EDITORIAL PAGE 3

> FEATURES PAGE 9

> FEATURES PAGE 10


2 Monday – February 19, 2018

The Dartmouth Review

TABLE OF CONTENTS

STUDENTS

WRITE

WORK

For thirty-five years, The Dartmouth Review has been the College’s only independent newspaper and the only student opinion journal that matters. It is the oldest and most renowned campus commentary publication in the nation and spawned a national movement at the likes of Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and countless others. Our staff members and alumni have won many awards, including the Pulitzer Prize, and have been published in the Boston Globe, New York Times, National Review, American Spectator, Wall Street Journal, Weekly Standard, Village Voice, New Criterion, and many others. The Review aims to provide a voice for any student who enjoys challenging brittle and orthodox thinking. We stand for free speech, student rights, and the liberating arts. Whatever your political leanings, we invite you to come steep yourself in campus culture and politics, Dartmouth lore, keen witticisms, and the fun that comes with writing for an audience of thousands. We’re looking for writers, photographers, cartoonists, aspiring business managers, graphic designers, web maestros, and anyone else who wants to learn from Dartmouth’s unofficial school of journalism.

PONTIFICATE

CONSERVATIVE

SAFE space

“Because every student deserves a safe space”

– Inge-Lise Ameer, Former Vice Provost for Student Affairs

Meetings held Mondays at 6:30 PM at our offices at 32 S. Main Street (next to Lou’s in the lower level office space)

INSIDE THE ISSUE

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD COME TO ONE OF OUR MEETINGS BEFORE MAKING LUDICROUS ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT US.

In Memoriam: The Dartmouth Sentinel............................Page 1 50 Shades of Red....................................................................Page 1 Editorial: The Review Pleads Guilty...................................Page 3 In Solidarity with Solidarity................................................Page 7 Dartmouth S&S Rebrands as S&M....................................Page 8 The Review without Men......................................................Page 9 The Freedom Budget Revisited.........................................Page 10 In Defense of Phil Hanlon.................................................Page 11

SUBSCRIBE The Dartmouth Review is produced bi-weekly by Dartmouth College undergraduates. It is published by the Hanover Review, Inc., a tax-deductible, non-profit organization. Please consider helping to support Dartmouth’s only independent newspaper, and perhaps the only voice of reason left here on campus. Yearly print subscriptions start at just $40, for which we will mail each issue directly to your door. Electronic subscriptions cost $25 per year, for which you receive a PDF of The Review in your inbox at press time. Contributions above $40 are tax-deductible and greatly appreciated. Please include your mailing address and make checks payable to:

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NIGEL FARAGE READS THE REVIEW.


The Dartmouth Review

Monday – February 19, 2018

3

MASTHEAD & EDITORIAL EST. 1980

“Never be so faithful to your plan that you are unwilling to consider the unexpected. Never be so faithful to your plan that you are unwilling to entertain the improbable opportunity that comes looking for you.” —Elizabeth Warren

EDITORIAL BOARD

EDITORIAL

Editor-in-Chief

The Review Pleads Guilty

Vladimir I. Lenin

Executive Editors Hillary R. Clinton Elizabeth A. Warren

Managing Editors John D. Podesta Jr. Charles E. Schumer

Associate Editors Nancy P. Pelosi Sheila Jackson Lee

Senior Correspondents Steny H. Hoyer Luis V. Gutierrez

BUSINESS STAFF President

Donald J. Trump

Vice President Michael R. Pence

ADVISORY Founders

Greg Fossedal, Gordon Haff, Benjamin Hart, Keeney Jones

Legal Counsel

Sue Us and Find Out

Board of Trustees

Martin Anderson, Patrick Buchanan, Theodore Cooperstein, Dinesh D’Souza, Michael Ellis, Robert Flanigan, John Fund, Kevin Robbins, Gordon Haff, Jeffrey Hart, Laura Ingraham, Mildred Fay Jefferson, William Lind, Steven Menashi, James Panero, Hugo Restall, Roland Reynolds, William Rusher, Weston Sager, Emily Esfahani-Smith, R. Emmett Tyrrell, Sidney Zion

NOTES Special thanks to William F. Buckley, Jr. Disclaimer: this entire issue is satire. Please take none of it seriously, but read into it what you will. The Editors of The Dartmouth Review welcome correspondence from readers concerning any subject, but prefer to publish letters that comment directly on material published previously in The Review. We reserve the right to edit all letters for clarity and length. Please submit letters to the editor by mail or email: editor@dartreview.com Or by mail at:

The Dartmouth Review P.O. Box 343 Hanover, NH 03755 (603) 643-4370

Please direct all complaints to: editor@thedartmouth.com

Vladimir Lenin once said that “It is im- ourselves as a publication dedicated to the possible to predict the time and progress of idolization of left-wing thought, but to apolrevolution. It is governed by its own more or ogize for all we have done to cause pain and less mysterious laws.” Revolution, however, is suffering over the course of our campaign. not limited to Octobers in Russia or against This has been a long, difficult experiment, the evil that is Donald Trump; it is actively but it has been truly interesting to see that our at work here at Dartmouth College, where hypothesis was true: right-wing thought and we at The Review have worked tirelessly for action does indeed wreak havoc on college decades in the fight against racism, sexism, campuses. homophobia, and white supremacy at the What have we learned over these past College on the Hill. You heard it here, folks; thirty-eight years? If there is one thing, it is The Dartmouth Review, as you know it, is all that there is only one true way to think. Lefta lie. Since our founding in 1980, we have not wing thought is indeed the only answer to the been the caped crusaders of conservatism problems at this College and in our world in that most have envisioned us to be. No, general. The goal of our campaign has we at The Review are perhaps the been to expose the dangers of most ardent social justice warconservative thought and to riors at this institution. We show the world there is only have launched controversial one true way. Every microcampaign after controversial aggression, every fraternicampaign not to serve as a ty party, every Keystone, singular conservative voice every sexual encounter, crying out in the wilderand every single conness of left-wing thought servative sentiment is a at Dartmouth, but rather to danger to our health, our discredit and smear the name safety, and our lives. Conof the right on this campus and servatism brings chaos, across the nation. and only through the For example, during order of leftism can love the 1986 protests against prevail over hatred and evil. Apartheid, when protestFurthermore, we have Jack F. Mourouzis ers erected shanties on the also confirmed that which Green to protest investments in the racist we already knew to be true: all the evils country, we took hammers to them – not to against which we so nobly fight – racism, destroy the protest, but to paint a picture of sexism, homophobia, transphobia, capitalmembers of The Review as the white suprem- ism, and, most importantly, white supremacy acist pigs that they are. We raged war with – are tearing at the very fabric of our society. Professor William Cole for nearly a decade to Dartmouth College is proof of this fact; today further reinforce this sentiment. Soon after, on campus, we live in a war zone, ravaged by we quoted Adolf Hitler in our paper, to much racial conflict, mass rape, and genocide. Our outrage; the effect was so strong, in fact, that brave leaders at OPAL are the last bastion we even backed off the claim that it was in- of reason against the Hanlon-led onslaught tentional, instead pinning it on a “disgrun- against the good folk of this institution; but, tled staff member.” But make no mistake; it my comrades, there is still hope, as long as the was, indeed, a conscious act. We continue to fire of the left continues to burn. And so we at The Review have decided parade the symbol of the Dartmouth Indian around to show our desperation for the “good that now is the time for revolution. Our deol’ days.” This campaign has continued even cades-long campaign of deception is over; it is to this day. Every offensive Bored@Baker now time that we lead the charge against the and Yik Yak post ever made was written by evils that plague Dartmouth College (which, us. We put up a billboard appropriating the in fact, is not a college, but an incursion upon phrase “Black Lives Matter” to defend kill- Abenaki homeland). We will burn every last er cops. We invited the downright evil Milo fraternity house to the ground. We will run Yiannapoulos to campus. We defaced Black the Economics department out, and ensure Lives Matter displays, distributed flyers ad- that all students include a major in Oppresvertising Dartmouth Indian gear, and tore sion Studies. We will make tuition free to all down gender-neutral bathroom signs. The non-white, non-male students; white males deception doesn’t end there; in fact, it was we will henceforth pay for all. We will mandate who started pushing and shoving during the participation in the House System. And, most noble library protests in the fall of 2015, and importantly, we will drive every last conserattempted to frame it on the protesters, just to vative or right-leaning student from this camboost our credibility – and, of course, our in- pus. We won’t make Dartmouth great again; it flammatory nature. And, of course, we were the ones who penned Ryan Spector’s recent never was great. But for the first time, it might op-ed in The Dartmouth. You better believe be. It is time that we turned the College into what it was meant to be: a bastion for leftism, it, because you’re definitely not tripping. And now, on this fateful day, our thir- and a front-line agent in the war for social ty-eight year experiment comes to an end. We justice. It is time we seized control of this are coming clean of our numerous sins – all of white supremacist organization and burn it which were committed in the pursuit of social to the very ground. It is time that we lose our justice – and would like not only to rebrand chains. It is time for revolution!


4 Monday – February 19, 2018

The Dartmouth Review

WEEK IN REVIEW BLACK PANTHER CALLS FOR WHITE GENOCIDE For an industry that praises itself for diversity and inclusion, Black Panther is a documentary that oozes black supremacy. The film takes place in Wakanda, a seemingly all-black, nationalist, monarchal, militarist state. Throughout the movie, no white characters are seen in Wakanda. The political institutions in the country are run by a tribal of elders, the Taifo Ngao, which shares striking similarities to a military junta or fascist ruling council. It is also no coincidence that the name for the Wakandan secret police, the ‘Hatut Zeraze,’ is literally an anagram for ‘Schutz Staffel,’ also known as the SS. The lack of white citizens begs the very difficult question: Where did the white people go? There is no excuse that a nation as highly advanced as Wakanda does not support multiculturalism. T’Challa, the dictator of Wakanda, has explicitly denounced globalism and has erected an electrified concrete wall surrounding its borders, obviously meant to keep refugees out. The economy of Wakanda is a highly regulated state capitalist apparatus, not unlike the system that was in place in Nazi Germany. The dependency on Vibranium, an immensely sought-after element, has led to the economy being undiversified. Wakanda also has universal health care for its “volk,” blending its unrepentant nationalism with socialism. One does not need to visit Wakanda to realize that it essentially runs a genocide economy. I have neither seen the movie, nor read the comics but it’s absolutely sickening that Hollywood would make a film supporting an ethnostate, a concept widely touted and supported by militant racist groups, including the Alt-Right. If Wakanda were filled with white people, the movie would have never been made. With massive human right violations occurring in Wakanda, this movie will only increase tourism. The ethnostate also holds weapons of mass destruction, and the cure for cancer. The fact that it wants to share neither of these with the world is quite frankly absurd. This is a massive break-away from the socially woke ethnographic documentary Star Wars: The Last Jedi which has placed many oppressed womyn in positions of power. One would think that a movie on the Black Panthers is highly overdue, but no, Hollywood decided to glorify

reverse-Rhodesia. Black Panther movie screenings will only cause problems in the Western world. The rehabilitation of black national socialism in the United States due to Black Panther has already culminated in massive Twitter raids and heat-seeking New York Times articles against innocent activists who only want a free Wakanda. Therefore, in good conscience, we at The Review call for a boycott of Black Panther.

those two teams are willing to make for their values.” The Dartmouth varsity football team’s quarterback reports having “eaten nothing but goldfish and Mango Tango Odwalla juices for the past month.” Interestingly enough, there have been no claims of decreased performance on the field. It is difficult to say what the future holds for Dartmouth’s athletes, but there will likely be far fewer evenings of raucous banter around ’53 Commons’ communal tables.

DARTMOUTH DINING SERVICES POLARIZES UNDERGRADUATES

A GRAND BORDER MELTDOWN

To cut costs, and improve student experience the Dartmouth Dining Services has adopted a series of new initiatives. While many of the recent changes have been welcomed by students and faculty alike, some have been considered drastic. The Courtyard Café has shifted its menu away from the calorie-laden fried foods it is known for, emphasizing healthier options, such as pre-cut fruit and a salad bar. In order to alleviate the peak hour congestion of its pasta station, Collis Café has introduced its iconic stir-fry to the dinner menu. The Class of 1953 Commons continues to serve and explore a variety of interesting and healthier options. In addition to those less than controversial tweaks, DDS, has tried to improve student value through price per pound student weight initiatives. The once flat priced self-serve bar at The Courtyard Café has transitioned to a by weight pricing model that many students consider to be a huge price increase. Even more aggressively, ’53 Commons has installed scales in the foyer and now charges students $.05 per pound of body weight for breakfast, $.75 per pound of bodyweight for lunch, and a whopping $.10 per pound of body weight for dinner. Although the changes to ’53 Commons have certainly drawn a lot of attention, not everyone is complaining. Sally D. Bar, a member of the Class of 2021, is ecstatic to have no longer to subsidize the football players who eat “multiples of what I do.” On the other side of the divide, the heavyweight rowing and football teams, have banded together in a brave and inspiring act of defiance. Both team captains have decided that all post-practice meals will officially be held in Novack until ’53 Commons changes its policies. After a brief interview, the Novack staff are “amazed by the profound sacrifices

In today’s political climate, it is almost a given that practical solutions will go unnoticed amongst a flurry of partisan dramatics. Even so, it seems inconceivable that the Democratic Party has neglected to introduce their trump card in the border wall debate. Their proposal to end all proposals is to build the President’s wall out of ice. Even the Republican budget hawks could get behind this proposal. Three-quarters of our planet are already made of water; just freeze it and you have an endless supply of steady building material. Much cheaper than concrete, steel, and a small army of construction personnel. And, of course, there’s the inevitable economic benefit of thousands of new jobs created in the ice-carving industry. Criticism would undoubtedly come from all quarters. Opponents and proponents of border security alike would denounce the ephemeral nature of this solution. “We should have no border security,” according to some, and “but a wall of ice along our arid southern border would simply melt; it’s a waste of money to keep it functional!” Of course, the wall would melt, but that should appease both  sides. A melting wall could only be easier for would-be illegal aliens to circumvent, and the federal government is already hemorrhaging money every year on the illegal immigrants in the country. It makes much more sense to put future spending increases into attempted border security than a constant influx of immigrants. Finally, to the last liberal holdouts: a melting border wall of ice might finally force those heartless Republicans to acknowledge the imminent threat posed by global warming. We at The Review support the ice wall wholeheartedly, as long as it made out of our pristine New Hampshire ice.

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The Dartmouth Review

Monday – February 19, 2018

Scotch M. Cara

THE REVIEW OUTS STRAIGHT STUDENTS This past weekend, The Dartmouth Review managed to stir up another campus controversy when an article posted on the website accidentally revealed the sexual orientation of various straight students at Dartmouth. The original post has since been deleted, but The Review staff recognizes that there has been some irreparable damage done. Within the same day of the alleged article’s posting, various campus-wide emails were sent out denouncing the mistake and the way that it hurt affected students. Throughout the week, over 40 emails were sent out from student groups that voiced statements of solidarity for the victims. The sentiments expressed in these statements defended not only the named individuals that were affected but also the larger group of students who identify with the sexual orientation in question. The emails offered encouraging statements of support for these students whose right to life had just been so inhumanely denied by the contents of the (alleged) article. Many of the campus-wide emails also pointed out that this is not the first time that The Review has made this type of mistake. Back in the 1980s, The Review reportedly outed various gay students, and some see this recent mistake as an extension of that controversy. The statements released on the campus-wide email server came from multiple fraternities, acapella groups, and straight-activist student groups who were outraged by the insensitive mistake that was made. One group focused on raising awareness for straight rights called the original “outing” article a “careless but nonetheless destructive instance of targeted violence.” The editors of The Review now recognize the risk that they have imposed on the safety of these afflicted students and will work to avoid this type of mishap in the future.

SEX TOY PARTY A SMASHING SUCCESS

Descartes Horace Pistol Annie

but it also was incredibly inclusive towards people with all forms of sexual attraction, including those who are sexually attracted to (non-human) animals, and also those who identify as certain animals themselves. The organizers even dedicated a section of the room to animal-themed products and activities to make sure every single person could make their wildest fantasies a reality. Overall, the event was an undisputed success, and we at The Review anxiously await the announcements for similar events in the future.

MAN IN CHARGE OF BLOG POSTS REFUSES TO WRITE 300 WORDS In a shocking management decision, the person in charge of ensuring quality content creation of short, 300-word blog posts that only get read by 6 people across the continental United States

Vaughn Kehoe Charlie Chipp

refuses to pull his panties up and actually write something. After bugging personnel in the organization for days on end, Mr. Blog Post failed to motivate anyone during the seventh week of term to sit down and write 300 words. Although they could have written it over the weekend, all of the staff members were either too hungover to look at a laptop without puking or too busy building their resumes to help Mr. Blog Post. In general, blog posts take very little time to write. In the time Mr. Blog Post spent attempting to get other people to do his work, Mr. Blog Post could have actually written an article for this issue, and still had time to complete another of the Dartmouth Seven. Some people posit that Mr. Blog Post’s high horse doesn’t get WiFi, and that’s why he hasn’t written anything. Others have proposed that his typewriter is broken. Whatever the case, those outside of The Review still wonder what exactly a blog-post is and if they’ve ever seen one before. When asked for comment, Mr. Blog Post scoffed at the interviewer and said, “I might have to go to the Home Depot parking lot and get an immigrant to do this.” He was last seen fanning himself and staring longingly at the horizon in the hope that a blog post might appear out of thin air.

CARTOON

“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling Reviewers!” - Phil Hanlon after cancellation of the College Park demolition

CARTOON Several days ago a gender-inclusive Greek organization known for its sexual wokeness hosted arguably the most significant event of the term: a sex toy party. Students of all genders, sexualities, and sexual capabilities gathered in full force for this aphrodisiac palooza. Some even say the line at the door rivaled that of the termly underwear party that was hosted just a week ago by a rival house. The jam-packed event began with a thorough description of the many sex toys available, and it ended with a “hoe-down throw-down” in which students could practice using the devices and receive advice from a visiting sex-toy-ology expert. Various members of The Review showed up early enough to gain admittance and could not have been more impressed with the planning that went into both the sex lecture and the activities involving volunteers from the audience. When students leaving the event were asked about their experience, not a single one gave a negative review. One student described zer (preferred pronoun) experience as “enriching, to say the least,” after walking out with a bag full of colorful, discounted products. Not only was the event sensually enriching,

5

Still better than any of the Snow Sculptures since 2015...


6 Monday – February 19, 2018

The Dartmouth Review

FEATURES In Memoriam

> CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 The publication’s readership increased tenfold overnight from one to ten. The Review briefly considered reviewing the review of The Review, but such a review would add credibility to The Sentinel. During 53 Commons’ rush hour, an investigation into the popularity of The Sentinel was held. When asked, “Have you heard of The Sentinel?” an 18’ who wishes to remain anonymous declared: “Yes, I have. I believe they are the most underrated comic book villains of all time.” Whether or not their statement is true, remains to be seen. The Sentinel lingered for much of its beginning months. Like an ex-girlfriend that doesn’t understand “we’re through” means “no you can’t sleep on my couch anymore,” the publication was like the swine flu virus surviving six different test trials of a vaccine. It seemed like The Sentinel, was here to stay. The levels of irony indoctrinated the planted Review members, who just happened to be all the members. In fairness, The Sentinel remained independent from OPAL’s grants, President Hanlon’s mustache and even advertisers, although the last was not due to a lack of trying. The Sentinel’s big break would come oddly enough from the incoming 21’s who were willing to read something more than “Check Your Privilege: A Guide for Straight White Cis-Males,” and decided to give The Sentinel a try because in doing so, they could act superior to both conservative and liberal campus publications. An anonymous 21’, when asked why he read The Sentinel, stated: “Yeah, man I read The Sentinel because they’re completely unbiased. I mean I’m a true centrist myself. For example, I supported Sanders in Mr. Horace, contrary to popular belief, actually prefers the writings of Voltaire.

the primaries, but then I supported Trump in the general election. I guess that balances me out, heh! Oh yeah—back to The Sentinel, I mean, I like their centrism, it’s very inoffensive, very unpolitical. These days everything is political!” The members of The Sentinel knew their inclusive outreach would attract readers, but at what cost? No one imagined that it would eventually average 500 views a month with only half of those being Russian bots. At this point the writers didn’t know the difference between reality and satire. More and more pieces began discussing topics such as social stratification, expanding DACA, the American Dream, white genocide, and the ‘international banking cartels.’ Although the paper proclaimed itself an independent publication, a mysterious article entitled “How Bernie Can Still Win the 2016 Election” was published on November 11, 2017 at 3:45 am. Rumors circulating about marked-up drafts of the article appearing in the basement of La Casa, remain to be proven. As The Sentinel increased in popularity, members of the Dartmouth community began to organize manhunts to find the writers. It wouldn’t take long for the masthead to start receiving death threats in the middle of the night. As 17F came to a close, The Sentinel soon found itself losing relevancy. In an emergency meeting, the masthead skyped each other during the Winterim. Because the members had put tape on their cameras to prevent ‘Russian interference,’ they did not see each other’s faces. As the pay-checks from the Open Society Foundations slowly got smaller and smaller, they knew they had to must make one last push to ensure the survival of the publication. Operation Winter Awakening was launched on January 2, 2018, intelligently executed the day before 18W

started. The counter-offensive deliveries of The Review at Dartmouth Hall and Collis had failed to stop The Sentinel hordes. Pulitzer Prize worthy articles published by The Sentinel left even the most conservative members of Dartmouth College shaken. Bigly articles about Bears Ears National Monument, the MPAA rating system, and “Paul Ryan’s fiscal-based sexual fantasies,” were simply too relevant and monumental. The Sentinel had peaked on January 2, 2018, but sadly, its downfall would come only a month later at the Battle for DOC. When the infamous Ryan Spector article came out on February 2, 2018, The Dartmouth awakened from its long slumber. The Review finally had the opponent it deserved, and the Grand Council asked for the planted members in The Sentinel to return to base. However, the masthead refused to cease operations. They were fully brainwashed into believing that The Sentinel was a serious publication. It is ironic that they could save others from bad journalism, but not themselves. As the entire campus focused on Spector’s article, The Sentinel had no choice but to decide to publish their own ‘In Solidarity’ letter, which was to be entirely serious and heartfelt. Seal Team Six was dispatched to prevent such a document from leaking to the public. If it were released, then The Sentinel would force itself into the conversation and The Review would be under siege from both sides. The Editor-in-Chief of The Sentinel was slowly uploading the letter of solidarity to The Sentinel’s website. The blue loading bar rested at 48.2 percent, but the website proceeded to crash. The Grand Council had unplugged the website which castrated The Sentinel’s ability to publish. Gone were the days where carrier pigeons could deliver across campus. As Seal Team

Six burst in through 17 different infiltration points, the Editor-in-Chief was apprehended. With his head to the ground, the team told him his real name at which moment the spell broke. Nobody could have imagined that The Sentinel would cause a paradigm shift at Dartmouth. To this very day, students at Dimensions are told about the mysterious tapping in the stacks of Baker-Berry. “If one is truly lucky,” a nostalgic ‘20 stated, “one can find the first edition of The Sentinel in the men’s room at La Casa. I’ve never felt so pampered before in my life.” The refugees of The Sentinel were welcomed back

with open arms at The Review headquarters. Although disoriented, after multiple bubble baths, most of the shellshocked writers returned to their normal routines. To save the history of this operation, The Review decided to publish this piece to inform the general populace about the bamboozlement that had occurred. In retrospect, nobody could have imagined that it was just a prank that went too far. In the end, the only appropriate bookend to this saga is perfectly summed up by one Review agent, recorded saying the following about The Sentinel’s untimely demise: “Don’t cry because it ended, cry because it happened.”

PRESIDENT TRUMP READS THE REVIEW


The Dartmouth Review

Monday – February 19, 2018

7

FEATURES

50 Republicans You’ll Meet at Dartmouth

> CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

7. “I’m a Republican, believe me, but Milo Yiannopoulos is a cancer to society.” 8. “Not gonna lie, Milo Yiannopoulos is kinda hot.” 9. “I’m fiscally conservative, but socially liberal.” 10. “Honestly I just want to be rich, is that too much to ask?” 11. “I’m not really that conservative but I wanted to increase my chances of getting a good Christian husband. They’re so hard to find here at Dartmouth.” 12. “I’m a real Indian, unlike Elizabeth Warren.” 13. “I read The Review, but I’d never go to a meeting. I don’t wanna be associated with those virgins.” 14. “I’m fiscally conservative, Messrs. Herringford and Skilling are students at the College and wish people would just get behind our president so we can get on making America great again already.

but socially liberal.”

tion is the only way I have a shot.”

15. “Lock her up!”

23. “I’m no Jill Stein, but come on, a little bit of weed never killed anyone…”

riage now, because I realized that it just takes two attractive guys off the market, along with a bunch of girls I wouldn’t want any way.”

24. “I’m socially liberal and fiscally conservative”

32. “I was a Rubio guy, even after he dropped out.”

25. “I’m kind of torn between parties, but I choose to be a Republican because I’m biracial and it makes me feel unique and special.”

33. “Just because I liked Jeb doesn’t mean I liked W.”

16. “The first time I saw Nikki Haley, I thought she was Bobby Jindal in drag!” 17. “As a future investment banker, I’m torn between my two most important issues: Trump’s defense of locker room talk, and being able to tell women I voted for Clinton.” 18. “I joined the ROTC because I love America, but I can only do 10 push-ups before I need an inhaler.” 19. “First female Ghostbusters and now ‘Black Panther,’ what is this world coming to?” 20. “‘I gasp, and I’m Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he’s the serpent, and I cannot resist.’ Oh wait, I thought we were reciting our favorite ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ quotes.” 21. “Why do they only get to say that word?” 22. “I call myself a libertarian because I know legalized prostitu-

26. “I was four when I got my first hunting rifle.” 27. “Should my family get reparations from Russia because our ancestors were serfs for hundreds of years?” 28. “I would stand with Ryan Spector, but I’m on a dry streak and I really want to get laid this term.” 29. “My political affiliation honestly just depends on whatever guy I’m hooking up with at the moment.”

34. “I’m not saying poverty is a choice, but I’m also not not saying that.” 35. “I’m fiscally conservative, but socially liberal.” 36. “Jordan Peterson changed my mind and my life.” 37. “Yeah, my ancestors kind of founded New Hampshire. And America.” 38. “I hate it when people call us Econ majors ‘snakes.’ I am a human being!”

30. “If you don’t pay full tuition, I get it, but I mean like, I do.”

39. “As an Econ major, I love when people call me a ‘snake.’ They’re just salty because they’re taking a vow of poverty.”

31. “I’m cool with gay mar-

40. “Obama did some pretty

good stuff, I guess.” 41. “I was a Trump supporter until Industrials took a hit.” 42. “The Wall is so stupid, think about the drones we could buy with that money.” 43. “I only have a problem with radical Muslims.” 44. “If Bernie had been elected, the US would be like Venezuela right now!” 45. “Some people read the Bible before bed, I read Milton Friedman.” 46. “I’m pretty moderate but I feel like Kasich would have been a cop out.” 47. “Income tax? More like highway robbery.” 48. “People say I’m privileged, but I don’t even have a trust fund.” 49. “I only tell girls I write for The Review when they’re leaving the morning after.” 50. “Perhaps you should come to one of our meetings before making ludicrous assumptions about us.”

To all Solidarity Letters, We here at The Dartmouth Review stand with you. As you flood our inboxes and spread, over and over, mildly noticeable different ways to cry out against injustice, we forget the struggles you go through. For far too long, you have been replicated ad nauseam and spewed out across campuses everywhere. To this, I say no more. It is time for solidarity letters to return to their place of glory. We solidarily stand for solidarity and we solidarily express our solidarity by taking issues that are unrelated to our solidaritous organization and somehow declare ourselves as having an incredibly solidaritous tie to the issues at hand. We can no longer idly sit in solidarity, for it is time to stand. Those who lie down in solidarity not only undermine what little is left of our marginalized solidarity. We will not merely stand in solidarity with fellow solidarity letters of past, but also would like to express our solidaritous solidarity for all letters to come in this noble war for justice against injustice. We take pain knowing that other letters of solidarity sit unread, festering in the depths of clutter folders in Microsoft Office accounts everywhere. Libelous attacks against these documents are unfounded, hurtful, and do not embody the values these letters stand, not sit, for. We wish to express our wholehearted support for the compassionate, resilient, and exceptionally qualified solidarity letters. We believe there are constructive, respectful ways to analyze and discuss letters of solidarity without breaching the safety we all hold dear. Epistles claiming to take a knee for solidarity lack the nuance, respect, and openness required for a productive conversation about furthering solidarity. Until then. We stand in solidarity, The Dartmouth Review


8 Monday – February 19, 2018

The Dartmouth Review

FEATURES

Dartmouth S&S Rebrands as S&M

DARTMOUTH S&M Safety and Magnanimity

Scotch M. Cara

Contributor

Well… they already had the cuffs. Safety and Security released a statement on February 14th, 2018 declaring that the campus security organization would be rebranding as Safety and Magnanimity. For your reading pleasure, here is the statement in its entirety: We, Dartmouth College’s Department of Safety and Security, are proud to announce that after much deliberation we will be changing our name to Dartmouth College’s Department of Safety and Magnanimity. Security is important. But we also believe in being magnanimous. As officers of the law, we want to be more generous and forgiving of your transgressions. We want to show you that when we catch you doing something naughty and punish you, we do so not because we’re mean-spirited or selfish— we do it out of a genuine care of your best interests. Our decision was inspired by the College’s recent decision to rebrand the Lone Pine to the brand-spanking-new “D” logo and change the official font to a bold new all-capitalized font. We believe in Moving Dartmouth Forward, and we can only do that if we represent that we are consistently behind each member of the student body— because we love this body that we’re so lucky to call ours. We are committed to making the student body as comfortable as possible. This isn’t just a rebranding in name— we’ve started passing policies to make a real change to our behavior and yours. The Ms. Cara is a student at the College and will absolutely judge you for your whisky tastes.

following list of proposals is just a tease of the exciting new plans we have to make your college experience better! • We’ve created a proposal to give out new “safe words” to students asking for “safe rides” at night and during the early mornings before their classes. We believe that establishing agreements and parameters for our interactions with campus and community members will make each ride more pleasant for us

Image courtesy of Wikimedia pen! Our new uniforms are now made out of easily-cleanable latex. We hope that you’ll feel relaxed and secure enough around us to talk to us openly about any concerns you have with this new arrangement. All of us here on the new S&M staff are thrilled to enter into this new relationship with you! “We’re so excited to whip our officers into shape!” declared the Head of the Rebranding Initiative, Christian Bates, in an

“The old way was just as good, if not better! All of this training takes time away from the real action. They need to be working on nailing disobedient students for disregarding campus rules.” •

and you. We want this to be fun! On the unfortunate occasion when we’re forced to restrain disobedient students, we’ve decided to replace our uncomfortable handcuffs with ones that are lined with a plush fur. The winter is cold! We’ll be giving out complimentary candles to warm you up! Don’t worry if you get the wax on you— they’re special low temperature candles that won’t burn your sensitive, silky skin. When we require a student to accompany us to a certain location for judicial action, we’ll be using the colloquial phrase “Come with us, now!” to mitigate some of the anxiety that students feel when we use formal language. After a long, hard night on Webster Ave, we know that you don’t always feel great— bodily fluids hap-

interview with the paper. Mr. Bates discussed at length the different training techniques he would use on his officers to improve their empathy and understanding with the more submissive members of the

When asked his general thoughts on the organizational change, Mr. Bates excitedly asserted the following: “I love branding. It’s always a hot-topic in organizations on this campus— from now-defunct but widely known organizations like Alpha Delta, to unknown secretive organizations like Sphinx. It’s not unique to S&M. Everyone can benefit from putting themselves out there and trying something new.” Although all of the newly-named S&M officers were too busy with training to be reached to comment on this change, we spoke to students, alumni, and campus departments to gauge their reactions. Most students declared that they were bored by this new S&M announcement. They found the rebranding to be yet another example of tired college policies, and were rather unexcited at the prospect of S&M. In general, alumni had negative reactions to this change. Harry Johnson ‘69 was disappointed at the prospect of the

Time will only tell whether these S&M changes will come to be seen anytime soon. It might be the case that officers will still continue to dominate campus conversations without listening to the real desires of students. student body. “We understand that some students are afraid of S&M. We want to change that. You students are always so tied up with your school work and extracurriculars; you need to understand that S&M isn’t here to hurt you. We’re here to help you grow and safely discover new adventures while you’re at college. From the steps of Dartmouth Hall, to the Top of the Hop— we’re here for you.”

college’s safety department wasting time with all of this new training. “The old way was just as good, if not better! All of this training takes time away from the real action. They need to be working on nailing disobedient students for disregarding campus rules.” When asked to comment on Johnson’s assessment, Mr. Bates declared that it was a small, ignorant assessment about what

S&M was about. “These new training techniques are set to make Dartmouth safer for all who enter it,” Mr. Bates stated. “We all enter Dartmouth. We all claim it as our own. Accordingly, we need to communicate to figure out rules for enforcing it. Ironically, there is more security in this new training then there was before they were implemented. Discipline and punishment are two important and lofty goals. S&M believes in discipline. We won’t let defiant students off without punishment.” OPAL— the Office of Pluralism and Leadership—could not stop raving about how wonderful having Mr. Bates for a session would be for them. “We’d love to try new things!” declared Dean Richard Cox. As luck would have it, as this interview was happening, Mr. Bates walked into our office for his interview! Dean Cox introduced himself to Mr. Bates, and the following conversation occurred: “Mr. Bates! What a wonderful coincidence! I’m OPAL’s Dean Cox—Call me Dick. I hope it wouldn’t be unceremonious, but I reached out to you the other day to pick your brain on how we could revolutionize OPAL in the same way that you did for S&M!” “Dick, it’s a pleasure. I’ve been thinking a lot about your proposal. I don’t find it indecent at all. I responded right before my interview. Why don’t you check your e-mail.” “Change OPAL to The Agency of New Advancement and Leadership?” “Yeah… ANAL. We believe that ANAL would lead students to be more retentive regarding your teachings and allow your deans to be more attentive to the needs of your students. ‘Agency’ represents the agency you’re trying to instill in your students. ‘New Advancement’ is because this name is a new advancement. And ‘leadership’? That’s just because it’s important to not try too much your first time.” “ANAL? I love it!” That exchange was just a tease— an official memo from soon-to-be ANAL will be released quite soon, and it is set to make quite an impact on all parties involved. Time will only tell whether these S&M changes will come to be seen anytime soon. It might be the case that officers will still continue to dominate campus conversations without listening to the real desires of students. When asked about this worry, Mr. Bates very quickly and emphatically said the following: “We want to work with students. We will do this with their consent. We will listen to their worries. We will make S&M great again.”


The Dartmouth Review

Monday – February 19, 2018

9

FEATURES

The Review without Men

MEN OF THE REVIEW What would this paper be like without them? (Hint: Better)

L. Woods

Contributor In our continued fight against toxic masculinity, the young men of The Review intend to continue their education in gender relations this Spring, as they have graciously offered to be part of Dartmouth’s long-running partnership with Wellesley College. Since the days of old, the young men of Dartmouth have made the trip to Wellesley to enrich their collegiate years with the stimulating company of Wellesley women. This relationship has been in decline as Dartmouth’s student body has become increasingly female and Wellesley’s has become increasingly female-identifying. The young men of The Review are proud to be part of restoring this relationship’s once great fervor. In addition to their community building endeavors, our Reviewers will also be taking courses in Wellesley’s famed Women and Gender Studies Department. Highlights from Ms. Woods is a student at the College and a contributor to The Dartmouth Review.

this spring’s curriculum include “Pain as a Feminist Issue” and “Rainbow Cowboys (and Girls): Gender, Race, Class and Sexuality in Westerns.” We are very proud that the young men of our organization have agreed to sacrifice a term of econ layups here at Darty in the interest of such academic rigor at a sister institution. Our loyal readership, how-

productivity due to the 100% decrease in the amount of pong played in the office. On the topic of the office, in its current state it is a hazard to human health. Perhaps more specifically to female-human health; the boys appear completely inured to it. Remedying this affront to the safety of women will be one of our first priorities. We hope to hire a

ously arrived at the conclusion that it was entirely inappropriate for women to do so, and instead debated which of the male staffers were most female-esque and therefore best suited for the task. Even in the absence of such paradoxical logic, I suspect the trash will remain for a good long while. Despite the fact that the state of the office may not change

To such women, we, the new female leaders of The Review , have a message — you can do better. Much like the cheap whiskey they love, the men of The Review are not worth the headache. Husband hunting is best reserved for Frat Row and first floor Rocky. If you’re on the prowl south of Wheelock Street, check yourself. ever, should not despair. The Review will continue to publish without our male staffers. I, along with my esteemed colleagues, Scotch Cara and Pistol Annie, are committed to upholding The Review’s tradition of immaculate copy-editing, timely publication, and comprehensive distribution. We are confident that despite the 95% decrease in our staff, we will compensate with increased

cleaning service, however, this poses significant difficulty as we would not want to hire a service employing women and thus enforcing gendered-employment stereotypes. The search for such a service is on going. In the interim, we will revive the lively Review debate that addressed whether it was empowering or demeaning to have female staffers take out the trash. The men had previ-

immediately, the state of the alcohol certainly will. The general perception of The Review might lead one to believe that we are steeped in copious amounts of cheap alcohol. It is actually more accurate to say that we are steeped in copious amounts of overpriced alcohol. Going forward, the women of The Review intend to apply the same philosophy to alcohol that we, as ladies of great refine-

ment, do to tea: higher quality, less steeping. On the topic of quality, we the women of The Review have some concerns with that of our members. We blame our recruitment process. Prospective members of The Review are promised fraternity, inebriation, and free speech. We tend to deliver — but only if their idea of fraternity is Sigma Alpha Epsilon. The Review is strictly A-minus side only. On the women’s side, the cultivation of a solidly A-minus side sorority culture has been elusive. Apparently the APhi’s would rather be doing other things. As a result, The Review only attracts a narrow subset of Dartmouth women: lukewarm on the Second Amendment, but avid husband hunters. To such women, we, the new female leaders of The Review, have a message — you can do better. Much like the cheap whiskey they love, the men of The Review are not worth the headache. Husband hunting is best reserved for Frat Row and first floor Rocky. If you’re on the prowl south of Wheelock Street, check yourself. If you don’t believe me, look to the Pulse surveys for empirical evidence. On an open question to campus, Pulse asked students to describe the worst sexual experience they had ever had on campus. No fewer than ten of the responses involve The Review by name. While they were all alarming, one was particularly egregious. “We f***** on the alley steps down to the Dartmouth Review.” Brief yet horrifying, much like I assume their relations were. To the poor woman subjected to this treatment, I assure you this will not be happening in our Review Without Men. After all, scissor sisters have standards.


10 Monday – February 19, 2018

The Dartmouth Review

FEATURES

The Freedom Budget: Revisited

NOBLE PROTESTORS occupy Parkhurst to demand response to the original, groundbreaking Freedom Budget bution” department, offerEditor’s Note: The original vergender category, as well as banned from campus dining ing courses in socialism, sion of this updated Freedom those that have not yet been facilities because they supeconomic oppression, and Budget originally appeared in discovered or recognized. port the patriarchy and exconspiracy theory. February of 2014 online at a We don’t want Two-Spirits clusion. Students shall sub• The school shall create and now-defunct website known as and Trans* students to feel sist on non-cis-oatmeal and fund departments for Elvish “Oppression & Oatmeal.” We Frat row shall be demolished and and Klingon literature, with have presented it here, adapted professors native to each slightly, as part of our new camturned into a bathroom mega-complex fictional land. The literature paign to make Dartmouth the that offers restroom facilities for every shall focus on Orcish and bastion of social justice it ought conceivable gender category, as well as Federation imperialism, reto be. spectively. those that have not yet been discovered • Similarly, the chemistry deWe appreciate the insight ofor recognized. partment will be renamed fered by our concerned Asian, “Femistry,” the Math deBlack, Latin@, Native, Undocmarginalized by having to gender-neutral, carbon-free partment renamed “Galumented, Queer, and Differshare bathrooms. water. gebra,” History shall be ently-Abled peers. However, • All other fraternities shall • All distances, temperatures, renamed “Theirstoly,” and for those who feel that docube converted into Temples and other forms of measureEngineering renamed “Rement didn’t go far enough, we of Diversity and cis-gender ment shall be converted to Genderneering.” Naturally, have a list of additional dereassignment clinics (except the metric system, because cis-non-differently-abled mands. TDX, which shall be demolImperial Units support the white males shall not be ished and the ground upon patriarchy. permitted in these departAdmissions which it stood shall be salt- • All buildings shall be rements. • There shall be a yearly adnamed after positive feeled). mission cap of 100 students • Every square foot of campus for cis-gender, white Amershall be made handicap-ac- The Economics department shall be dismanicans. There shall be one cessible. The pools shall be tled and rebranded into the “Redistribuof each gender from every drained to a six-inch depth state in the US. and partitioned into fifty tion” department, offering courses in socialism, economic oppression, and conspiracy • Admissions for all nondifferent pools to allow our white races, non-cis-genDifferently-Abled peers to theory. dered people, weight-chalenjoy gender-neutral swimlenged, height-challenged, ings, seasons, or non-carniv- • All classes shall be taught in ming facilities. Esperanto, the international orous woodland creatures. and Differently-Abled • All organized sports shall language of equality. people shall be non-exclube dissolved. The gym and • The campus shall be made • All studens will be required sive. Under current projecentirely flat. Topographical all athletic facilities will be to major in Marginalization inequality is still inequality. tions, a 1000% increase in converted into gender neuand Oppression Studies in This includes the demolithe number of applicants tral housing and dining faaddition to their other chotion of College Park to make by 2050 will lead to these cilities. Funding that might sen major. way for carbon-neutral, groups making up 178% of otherwise have been used • Grades shall be eliminated, gender-neutral, fully-acthe student body. for athletics will instead go as they are an oppressive cessible, no-whites-allowed to installing hidden microsymbol of the cis-patriarchy. dormitories. Facilities phones and cameras around • All cis-gender and cis• Frat row shall be demolcampus to monitor insensirace freshmen shall be Curriculum Changes ished and turned into a tive behavior and thoughts. required to take semibathroom mega-complex • Certain food ingredients, • The Economics department nars learning why their shall be dismantled and rethat offers restroom facilparticularly meat, gluten, sexuality and racial identity branded into the “Redistriities for every conceivable nuts, and lactate shall be

marginalizes others. Those who fail shall face sterilization. • There shall be mandatory censorship of professors, news outlets, and websites deemed “too conservative” or insensitive. • Elimination of all pronoun usage in colloquial speech and written work. The use of “his” and “her” suggests possession, which is insensitive to groups who have no possessions. Student Life • All students must report to OPAL during Orientation Week for mandatory random race and gender reassignment. Anyone who commits a thought-crime shall have their gender reassigned, again. • All students shall be given the same haircut upon entry and shall have all other body hair removed with “lasers.” • All students shall wear school-issued uniforms woven from carbon-neutral wool taken humanely from non-cis-gendered local sheep. • Safety and Security shall be replaced by and rebranded as the “Freedom Police,” authorized to use any means necessary to enforce our strategic vision. • Any student found guilty of cis-gendered thought crime (any thought that aids, condones, or does not hinder the patriarchy) shall be expelled immediately. • All students found to have fraternized with members of The Dartmouth Review shall be sentenced to ten years of hard labor. Members of the organization shall receive the death penalty. • Students perceived as having “too much social capital” shall have their social capital redistributed. This is a painful surgical procedure, but necessary for the greater good. • Cis-gender, traditional relationships between students shall only be permitted if said relationships are interracial. • Upon graduation, all students will be sent to a commune on an island in the South Pacific, where they shall remain for the duration of their life. On this island, no feelings shall ever be hurt, and violators shall be sterilized and/or hanged. Failure to comply with these demands by March 25th will result in gender-neutral “physical action” (which is not meant to exclude our peers incapable of physical action—they shall be permitted to participate via College-funded drones). Thank you for your consideration.


The Dartmouth Review

Monday – February 19, 2018 11

FEATURES

Phil Hanlon: Man, Myth, Legend the most pressing reason to ban hard alcohol is the way it advances social justice. It is undeniable that gin and tonics were used by the British to fuel their unconscionable imperialist genocide. 47.8% alcohol enabled the killing of millions of people and ever y day we don’t ban the production of gin, WE are responsible. I will not stand by as hard alcohol wipes out continents of humyns. Hanlon is proactive and has re-initiated a trend that hasn’t been around since the ‘20’s.

reminds me of Trump. The dorm names need to change. Zimmerman reminds me of the Trayvon Martin shooting. Especially because it’s right across from the Zimmerman Fitness Center which perpetuates body negativity and toxic masculinity. There are still dorms on Gold Coast that entrench class discrepancies and income inequality and systematic devaluation of the poor. I’m not for class warfare because I’m a pacifist but we need to eradicate the rich.

It is undeniable that gin and tonics were used by the British to fuel their unconscionable imperialist genocide. 47.8% alcohol enabled the killing of millions of people and every day we don’t ban the production of gin, WE are responsible.

PRESIDENT HANLON The one, the only.

Scotch M. Cara Conrad Kissinger

Contributors

I just don’t get why ever yone’s so upset about Moving Dartmouth For ward. We have to move for ward. Dartmouth is stuck in the past. We need to be more inclusive. We need to be better as an institution. And Phillip J. Hanlon ‘77 is the way that we can accomplish that. His audacity is shocking. He’s just so brave. The housing system has been a revolutionar y move away from the oppressive Greek Life on this campus. It’s like a community. Of housing, of homes. Each of the colors represent diversity. East Wheelock’s bright coloring shows that even in the darkest days of our struggle, there is always an orange beacon in the sky— a glorious sun. I love that North Park’s three buildings together normalize polygamy and sex positivity. Buildings deser ve love too. Allen House’s red represents the blood of menstruation. Hanlon’s decision to destigmatize womyn’s struggles is so, so brave. Just like School House. Education is so important. My great-aunt was a first generation college student. Without education, her garden parties wouldn’t have been the same. Her struggles are so important to my Scotch and Conrad are students at the College and are staunch supporters of #OurPresident.

identity. I am who I am because of the strong women in my family. South house represents the marginalized sub-altern voice, and West house pays homage to California— a bastion of liberal thought. Only a leader like Hanlon could have made these decisions. Only a man with such

mother earth. Global warming is a weapon of Eurocentric supremacy and wasting napkins is racially-charged violence. Napkins are brown too. Finally a leader who’s willing to stand up against white dominance. As a white woman, I feel that it’s my job to let people of color and objects of color know that

It was so effective then… I really don’t know why America ended prohibition. Not to worr y, Dartmouth is only the beginning, thanks to our fearless leader. But at the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that Hanlon is not perfect. He’s complicit in the hetero-cis-patriarchal hegemonic institutionally racist, sexist, and oppressive fraternity system. Hanlon was in AD. Alpha. Delta. It’s no wonder that he doesn’t take enough of a stance against Greek Life—he WANTS it to succeed. His loyalty is with his brothers. Not with his sisters

His loyalty is with his brothers. Not with his sisters and non-gender conforming siblings of color. His mustache is a physical manifestation of his privilege because women can’t grow facial hair as effectively. His degree from Cal-Tech reinforces male dominance in STEM. If he was really a feminist, he would give his degree to a LIFGTWOC (low-income, first-generation, trans woman of color). soft strength could have stood by these groundbreaking changes. He has layers— The Onion promotes healthy eating and vegetables which in turn undermines the sexist and racist meat industr y. When I was at the Women’s March, I saw a sign that really resonated with me—part of being an intersectional fourth-wave feminist is defending women of other

I care about them and their interests. We’re all victims of white men— except for Hanlon. He’s different. He’s aware of our struggles. He’s doing this for us. He knows what’s best. I’ll be honest, I think I was the first person to support banning hard alcohol like ever. I’ve always hated it. One time I accidentally sipped my mom’s margarita

It’s so hard to be a white woman on an Ivy League Campus!

species. Hanlon’s so good at making Dartmouth go green. The new napkins in the Class of 1953 Dining Commons— don’t call it foco, that’s elitist, ableist, and sexist language—revolutionized my luncheons. I am no longer constantly reminded of the violence that global warming and pollution causes to

and I puked for two hours. Hanlon knows we can’t handle our alcohol, so he just nipped the problem in the bud. Sure, it might seem condescending and pedantic, but actually twenty-two year olds are just not old enough to make their own decisions. But more importantly than our health and well-being,

and non-gender conforming siblings of color. His mustache is a physical manifestation of his privilege because women can’t grow facial hair as effectively. His degree from Cal-Tech reinforces male dominance in STEM. If he was really a feminist, he would give his degree to a LIFGT WOC (low-income, first-generation, trans woman of color). And the new rebranding! How dare he sign off on making the new logo a D?! It’s male cultural sadism against women to have such a prominent D representing this institution. And the new font! It’s in all capital letters, and therefore perpetuates the evils of capitalism. Hanlon hasn’t gone far enough with the housing system. East Wheelock’s orange triggers me because it

They don’t deser ve to be at Dartmouth because they already have so much privilege. The red of its house shield should represent the blood of the people of color that the Wall Street parasites thrive on when they run out of cocaine. Say no to drugs! Cocaine is the epitome of white privilege. It uses the labor and bodies of people of color for the fun of rich white frat boys literally snorting off of Daddy’s SAE composite picture. For School House, yes. Education is so important. But it’s also racist. As a major in African and African American Studies modified with Native American Studies, Asian and Middle Eastern Studies, and Psychology, I can vouch for this. I modified my major with Psychology to understand why people are racist. Because I can’t understand that. How could anyone think that people of color are worse than white people? Obviously white people are the worst. I’d be a WGSS major, but it’s really really white. I’ve only minored in it. I’m doing it to subvert the department’s systematic destruction of the voice of women of color. Only I can speak to their struggles. North Park represents Colonialism. Park? Reminiscent of the colonialism and the Opium Wars. West house best house? More like Eurocentrism house. I just want to bake a sugar-free,gluten-free, paleo,nut-free,vegan, caffeine-free, soy-free, nonGMO, organic, farm-to-table cake full of animal-rescue puppies and environmentally friendly rainbows and share it with ever yone! I wish I didn’t go here; it’s so hard to be a white woman on an Ivy League Campus!


12 Monday – February 19, 2018

The Dartmouth Review

THE LAST WORD GORDON HAFF’S

COMPILED BY SCROD HERRINGFORD

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

“Nothing in life is promised except death.”

–Kanye West

–President George W. Bush “If you tremble with indignation at every injustice, then you are a comrade of mine.” –Che Guevara “Drill, baby, drill!” –Michael Steele

“There’s a war on for your mind!” –Alex Jones “While a controversial figure, both Mr. Castro’s supporters and detractors recognized his tremendous dedication and love for the Cuban people who had a deep and lasting affection for el Comandante.”

–Rush Limbaugh “I’ve now been in 57 states. I think one more left to go?” –President Barack Obama

–Marion Barry

–Governor Gary Johnson

–Howard Dean

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”

“Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” –President Donald J. Trump

“Every month that we do not have an economic recovery package five-hundred million Americans lose their jobs.”

“If the President put Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that’s a Russia connection.” –Sean Spicer

“If you try to make the Democrats be what they are not, and never will be, you will end up being more like what the Democrats actually are.” –Bob Avakian

“We know that no one person can succeed unless everybody else succeeds.”

“This is sort of typical Hillary Clinton: to do things that are not legal, to say that they are, and then try to cover them up.”

–Vice President Dan Quayle

“What is Aleppo?”

–Rep. Nancy Pelosi “I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.”

–President Bill Clinton

–Dr. Jill Stein

–Justin Trudeau “The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.”

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.”

“Insurrection is an art, and like all arts has its own laws.” –Leon Trotsky “With all due respect, that’s a bunch of malarkey.”

–Rep. Hank Johnson

BARRETT’S MIXOLOGY

The Review’s Bartender Special Ingredients • • •

2 oz. of Scotch whisky that you think is criminally underrated A dash of bitters Salt for the rim

Mr. Macallan ‘83, Mr. Walker ‘85, and Mr. Jameson ‘91 walk into a bar. On the door, in faded magic marker, reads “The Review.” They take their places on the Indian-head stools in front of the bar. The broken radio is receiving two stations at once, which creates a cacophony that could only be made up of early 2000s country music and the Laura Ingraham Show. The bartender barks, “What can I get you?” “I’ll take a martini—virgin.” The bartender, straining, swallowed her judgment, and replied, “You’ll fit in here just fine.” One of the regulars—adjusting the flared collar of his Lacoste polo while walking out of the bathroom after powdering his nose—yelled from across the bar, “Don’t listen to her! She’s new around here. The old bartender gave you drinks without the bite— now I have to say ‘A whiskey, hold the insult.’ We’re really a fine group of guys… um, I mean people.” Over the chatter at the bar—poverty is a choice, affirmative action is “reverse-racism,” and abortion is probably genocide— Walker, in his growing discomfort, asks for a Crown Royal. The bartender ’s eyes turn to fire, and before Walker could take back his request she stabs an American-flag-printed pocket knife into the counter in front of him and says, “We only drink premium Scotch in this bar.” As Macallan, Walker, and Jameson quickly get up and rush out of the bar, one of the other regulars, in a paisley ascot and tweed blazer, dispassionately sighs between puffs on his Cuban cigar, “Not even old alumni want to spend time with us.”

— Conrad Kissinger & Scrod Herringford

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–Vice President Joe Biden

The Satire Issue 2.19.2018  
The Satire Issue 2.19.2018  
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