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5 Reasons Not To Be in a Play A Ten Minute Comedy Play

Draft


5 Reasons Not To Be in a Play

5 Reasons Not To Be in a Play MINUTES: 10-30 CHARACTERS: 12-20 (Characters can be changed to male of female to your liking with the exception of NOAH, LILLY, SOPHIA, ISABELLA, ANTHONY, and MISS KLINGLER) PENELOPE: F Street Clothes SHANE: M Street Clothes LISA: F Street Clothes SHARON: F Street Clothes ANTHONY: M Dressed as Teddy Roosevelt SOPHIA: F Dressed as Dead Body OLIVIA: F Street Clothes ISABELLA: F Dressed as Elaine CHARLES: M Street Clothes MISS KLINGLER: F Dressed as a Teacher NOAH: M Dressed as Mortimer Brewster LILLY: F Dressed as a little girl with pig tails

(The set will be the set of Arsenic and Old Lace. All cast members enter, with the exception of MISS KLINGLER, from R. door carrying various props for the play and lounge around U. S., eating popcorn, in a casual manner while PENELOPE crosses to D. S. and SHANE following her, both have nothing in hand.)

PENELOPE: (To the audience, arms open as if presenting something, annoyed,

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5 Reasons Not To Be in a Play

chewing the scenery) We are not here to put on a play. SHANE: (To the audience, beside PENELOPE, blank expression) If you came to see a play, it sucks being you. PENELOPE: We believe putting on a play is a bad idea, a horrible idea, a rotten idea... SHANE: (Continues. Takes a step in front, disgusted) A putrid, stinking, slimy, greenish-liquid-oozing, you'd-rather-kiss-you-brother-full-on-the-lips-than-haveto-deal-with-this idea. PENELOPE: So we're not going to do it. SHANE: Don't ask, don't plead, and definitely don't beg. It makes us sick. PENELOPE: But we're out here and you may wonder why. SHANE: We’re out here with a warning, a message. We’re going to teach you: PENELOPE: 5 Reasons Not To Be in a Play! (Holds up index finger) Reason Numero Uno: SHANE: (Snaps) Plays suck! PENELOPE: (Holds up deuces) Reason Number Two: SHANE: When you were in high school, you had a drama teacher named Miss Klinger who was older than God and smelled like ramen noodles. She would come into class every afternoon and tell us... (MISS KLINGLER enters from R. door. PENELOPE crosses to D. S. L.) MISS KLINGLER: (Crosses to D. S. and snaps) Shut up! Sit down! (SHANE hurries over to U. S. to sit with other characters. All of the characters become scared and wide-eyed. MISS KLINGLER looks at children, angrily. Lights

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dim a little and spot light on PENELOPE. All characters hold that pose and PENELOPE continues.) PENELOPE: She invented amazing methods of torture with games like Cat and Mouse and Chivalry Couples. She turned perfectly normal questions into sick, sadistic games of chance where you always lose. (Lights turn back on and spot light goes away and the scene continues. PENELOPE retreats to U. S. with the other characters. LISA crosses to D. S. beside MISS KLINGLER) LISA: (Innocent) Miss Klingler, can I go to the bathroom? MISS KLINGLER: I don't know, may you? LISA: What? MISS KLINGLER: May you go to the bathroom? LISA: That's what I'm asking you. Can I? MISS KLINGLER: I'm assuming that you can, but I don't know yet if you may. LISA: (Tries to hold it) Miss Klingler, I really have to go! MISS KLINGLER: Then you can go. LISA: Thank you! (SHARON, PENELOPE, and SHANE stand and make their way together to D. S. L.) MISS KLINGLER: But you may not go until I give you permission. LISA: (Desperate) But you just did! (Exits R.) (Spot light on SHARON, PENELOPE, and SHANE who are standing beside each other. Lights dim on scene while everyone takes a pose.)

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5 Reasons Not To Be in a Play

SHARON: (Continues) By that time you had either made a puddle on the floor or you had ran out of the room in desperation, as crime which you paid by writing, "I will not run out of the room in desperation" on the board seven billion times with her coffee breath on you until you were done. PENELOPE: (Annoyed) And then it was time for the play. (ANTHONY moves quietly to C. S. and LISA enters from R. door with satisfaction on her face, heads to spot light) SHANE: The play was about two old ladies who killed men for a living and you were knee deep in working on sets, props, and costumes. LISA: The play had lines like(Spot light off and lights turn on and scene resumes. LISA lounges U. S.) ANTHONY: (Acting) Bully, just bully! MISS KLINGLER: No! Put more emphasis on the word "Bully". I want you to experience the word fully. I want to taste it in your mouth. Say "Bully". ANTHONY: (Says differently) Bully. MISS KLINGLER: Say it like the most important thing in the world is for you to say "Bully". ANTHONY: (Aggravated) Bull-eee. MISS KLINGLER: Say it as if I'm going to take you home and throw you in a hot oven if you don't say it right! ANTHONY: (Terrified) Bully! Bully! Bully! MISS KLINGER: That's better. (Nods head in approval) (ANTHONY runs away scared and sits U. S. with other students. SOPHIA stands up

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and makes her way to C. S.) SHARON: (Walking slowly to C. S.) She made you put on zombie costume because you were a dead body. (Points to SOPHIA) It itched like you had lice all over you. Plus, you had so much make up on your face that when you closed your eyes, you could not re-open them. SOPHIA: (Closes eyes and tries to wipe off the makeup) Miss Klingler, I can't see! (Falls down and searches the floor on knees) MISS KLINGLER: I don't care. That's showbiz, kid. Now, where's Anthony? ANTHONY: (Still terrified, stands up unwillingly) Right here. MISS KLINGLER: How are you going to say "Bully"? ANTHONY: (Scared out of mind) With feeling, with passion! I don't want to go into your oven! (Begins to cry) MISS KLINGLER: Stop crying. We're about to go on. Now where is my dead body? SOPHIA: (Eyes are still closed. Tries to stand up) Miss Klingler, I still can'tMISS KLINGLER: (Interrupts) Dead bodies don't talk! Now shut up. We're about to start. (ANTHONY sits U. S. and MISS KLINGLER crosses over to apron, sits down with legs crossed, and grabs a bag of popcorn. SHANE crosses over to SOPHIA and picks her up by her arms and drags her to the window seat and tries to put her in but stops to talk) SHANE: You were a dead body and you had to get in this chest called a window seat. (Motions toward window seat) Well, the kid who was supposed to drag you out of the window seat and put you in the cellar, (Puts SOPHIA in window seat) forgot he was supposed to do that.

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SHARON: (C.S.) So you were locked up in a tight, little space. PENELOPE: (D.S.L) And ten minutes into the play, everyone forgot you were in there and by the third act; people were sitting on the chest. (Penelope sits on window seat, trapping SOPHIA) (OLIVIA and LISA stand up and LISA takes a step forward) OLIVIA: Hour after hour, you were suffocating because the make up on your face was unbearable and you had to listen to everyone horribly recite their lines. LISA: A classic tale of post-dramatic stress disorder. You poor, poor child. (Shakes head in dismay) OLIVIA: Okay, I think we've spent too long on Reason Number Two. ALL: Agreed. (Various characters shake their head. Olivia sits back down) PENELOPE: (Lounges on window seat) Reason Number 3: (ISABELLA and NOAH make their way to C. S.) SHANE: (Joins PENELOPE on lounging on the window seat) In the play, you had to stage kiss someone who disgustingly ugly and had these wart-like things on his hands. LISA: And every time he touched youSHARON: You started seeing the wart-like things on you. (PENELOPE, SHANE, and LISA sit down U. S. and join the rest of the kids) ISABELLA: (Romantic embrace with NOAH) Oh Noah, I love you. NOAH: I love you too. May I kiss you? ISABELLA: (Disgusted) Eww, no!

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MISS KLINGLER: (Yells from apron. Popcorn in mouth) That's not your line and you better kiss him! ISABELLA: Alright... (Stage kiss with NOAH. Begins screaming) What are these? (Stares at arms and hands with wide eyes and very frightened) Are they warts?! Get them off me! (Runs O. S., screaming) LISA: Then you practically puke. (Sits down) SHARON: But hey, at least you were offstage. ANTHONY: (Stands up) Okay, Reason Number Four! (Pause) I don’t know. (Sits back down and CHARLES stands up, makes his way to C.S.R.) CHARLES: Miss Klingler does not allow cell phones in her class so why let some dumb play ruin an important call? PENELOPE: Although the call, text, or e-mail might be meaningless like some Match.com Ad or dumb gossip like, “I just punched Sally just in the face(Interrupted by phone ring. MISS KLINGLER enters S.) CHARLES: (Answers phone) Hello? No, this isn't Kristina’s Tattoo Parlor... And no, I don't want a tattoo from there. (MISS KLINGLER stands behind CHARLES) MISS KLINGLER: Let me see the phone! (CHARLES jumps from fright. MISS KLINGLER snatches phone from CHARLES) Sorry, that was a student of mine. Could I get a discount? CHARLES: (Disgusted, takes a step back) Okay, that's just gross... PENELOPE: (Stands up form window seat and crosses to C.S.L) And now the last reason! ALL: Reason Number 5! SHANE: (Snaps) Plays suck!

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OLIVIA: (Stands up, annoyed) Um, that was Reason Number 1. SHARON: (Sassy) Who cares? Just get on with it. LISA: (Stands up and crosses to C.S.) Okay, meanie. Reason Number Six: SOPHIA: (Pops out of chest, eyes still closed) Wait, isn't there only 5 reasons? ANTHONY: Oh hey dead body. We forgot about you. SHARON: (Angry) Get on with it! SOPHIA: What is Reason Number Six? LILLY: (Stands up, looking down at the ground and makes her way to D.S. very shyly. Quietly) Reason Number Six is... CHARLES: I can't hear you! SOPHIA: I can't see you! MISS KLINGLER: Shut up, dead body! Now what were you saying Lilly? LILLY: Um… Uh… CHARLES: Speak up! LILLY: Um… Because you're just, you're just, you're just too shy. You, you can barely get two words out of your mouth in front, in front of an audience. (ISABELLA enters back on stage, looking quite sickly and is holding a small trash can, obviously been throwing up) ISABELLA: I can't hear you Lilly. You're wasting my time. I'm going home and I'm taking the trash can with me. (Exits) NOAH: (Chases after ISABELLA) Wait, my love! I'm coming with you! (Exits) PENELOPE: I'm leaving too. 8


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SHANE: Me dos. LISA: Me tres! SOPHIA: (Eyes still closed) I wanna leave too. (Falls down with a thud and crawls) SHARON: Let's all leave. ALL: Agreed. (Everyone begins to exit R., improvising, leaving LILLY and MISS KLINGLER left on stage) MISS KLINGLER: Wow, Lilly. You made everyone leave because you're too quiet. Good thing you don't want to be in the play. Now go get the props! (Exits, leaving LILLY D.S.) LILLY: (Begins to cry) But, but... Why did everyone leave me, me? Oh well, en-enenjoy our play: Arsenic and Old Lace. (Exits and play begins) THE END

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Play written by Darian Northcutt