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Magic Bus Pilot


ACT 1 INT. BATHROOM - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT SETH, a typical college guy, boring, scruffy, probably high, is in the bathroom, taking care of business, sitting on the porcelain with his laptop cradled on his bare thighs VIDEO CHATTING with his girlfriend STACEY, a high-strung overachiever from PRINCETON. For Seth, the bathroom is his ’number-two’ nirvana, with a beautiful shag carpet and a recycling bin specifically designated for empty beer cans. And unfurled across the door, the centerpiece of the room, A RYAN GOSLING POSTER (from The Notebook, of course!). STACEY ...And Miranda isn’t cooperating with the data analysis, so Professor Giles is probably gonna fail us all. And I don’t know if I feel like taking the fall, because it is a group project, and I really shouldn’t be responsible. SETH That’s cool. Did you get the care package I sent you? STACEY A care package? Who are you? My mom? Are you even listening to me? SETH It’s got really cool stuff in it. Like, Cheetos and this dinosaur straw I got at a bar, and this cool hat. STACEY Great. My boyfriend’s twelve years old. SETH I’m pretty sure I’m not. Just ask Gosling. Seth starts moving the computer so Stacey can see the AWESOME GOSLING POSTER. He quickly moves a roll of toilet paper and some toiletries out of the cameras view. (CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

2.

A loud CRASH sounds off screen. A man shouts. STACEY What was that? SETH I don’t know. Donny probably. Still off screen, more REALLY LOUD NOISES. A woman SHRIEKS. STACEY Is that freak in your apartment? SETH Her name’s Jess. STACEY Your friends are so immature. SETH One second. Seth angles the screen away from the toilet toward the GOSLING POSTER, moving more toiletries out of the way. He gets up and runs into INT. KITCHEN - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - where JESS, a smart young woman with a rebellious edge, sits on the couch reading STEAL THIS BOOK and holding a chemistry textbook. DONNY, Seth’s ROOMMATE and BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD, with an ear to ear grin and unkempt hair, is jumping up and down on a TRAMPOLINE in the KITCHEN, balancing and stirring a large pot in his hands. DONNY Seth! Want some hops? It’ll be beer in about two weeks. SETH What are you doing? DONNY I ordered a home brew kit off the internet. They don’t sell real beer to minors online.

(CONTINUED)


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3.

SETH No, I mean the trampoline! JESS I stole it from Home Depot. It helps me study. SETH How? JESS Donny makes beer on it and that makes me less stressed (beat) for studying. SETH Sure. I’m talking to Stacey so just keep it down a bit. JESS Oh, that virtual girl on your computer? SETH It’s our 2 year anniversary next week. DONNY Just download her to a flash drive. Portable loving. Seth and Jess stare at Donny. DONNY Which reminds me, I actually know of of this great website for that kind of thing. Seth returns to the bathroom and closes the door before Donny can finish. INT. BATHROOM - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT As the door closes, we see THE NOTEBOOK POSTER pinned to it. Seth sneaks around the laptop camera toward the toilet. STACEY Are you still there? I can’t see you.

(CONTINUED)


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4.

SETH Hey, I’m back! STACEY Fine. Yeah, so about that bitch Miranda. SETH Uh, one second, baby. He steps out of the camera’s view to stealthily unzip his pants. STACEY No, I’m tired of you always doing something else when I want to talk to you. You’re my boyfriend. SETH Yeah, yeah. One second. STACEY SETH, YOU LOOK AT ME NOW OR I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU! Seth tries to maneuver the screen towards his face while sitting down on the toilet. His hands slip and the computer’s camera points straight down, right at the toilet, his bare thighs, and his... well, you know. Stacey SCREAMS and Seth accidentally tips the laptop into the toilet. He frantically tries to fish out the laptop, but the damage is done. INT. STACEY’S BEDROOM Stacey stares at her computer, where a large Skype window contains the words CALL DISCONNECTED. She screams again. INT. BATHROOM - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT Seth is starting at a much smaller screen, that of his cell phone. Three words appear on the screen: "WE ARE DONE."


5.

The LOUDEST CRASH yet is heard from the next room. INT. KITCHEN - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT Seth dutifully marches from his door to the fridge and makes a beeline for the Nutella, completely ignoring Donny - who has his ass through the trampoline, legs in the air, covered in hops and foam. Jess, unperturbed, continues reading, until she sees the Nutella. JESS You okay? SETH I’m fine. Donny and Jess share a knowing look. JESS You’re eating straight Nutella with a salad tong. DONNY (whispered) With sadness, too. JESS What did pixel-girl say to you this time? SETH Ex-pixel-girl. DONNY Visit her in New Jersey next weekend and reboot your hard drive there. You guys always do. SETH Not this time. Donny and Jess walk over to Seth, attempting to console him. Seth notices he is at the bottom of the Nutella tub and begins to scrape it with his fingers. JESS Seth, we’ll do something fun tonight.

(CONTINUED)


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6. SETH Like what?

CUT to the three of them on the couch, sifting through Gosling DVDs. They own everything he’s ever been in, from Remember the Titans to Half Nelson. In the pile of DVDs, Jess finds a fat red letter that says FINAL NOTICE. She holds it up and raises an eyebrow. DONNY Yeah, I keep forgetting to pay the electric bill. And the power goes out in the apartment. DONNY (Longingly whispering) Gosling... Jess and Seth take out their cell phones for light. Jess takes out a candle and a kitchen lighter. JESS I got this. As Jess is about to light the candle, Donny shows up with a menorah. JESS What are you doing? DONNY It’s a Mazel Tov! A relic of my people. Jess scowls and goes to light the menorah. DONNY (Pointing to the middle candle) No, you have to light the Hamas candle first! SETH Donny, I’m pretty sure Hamas is a terrorist organization. Donny sparks the lighter a few times. No fluid. DONNY Okay, so does anyone know to light this place up?

(CONTINUED)


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7.

JESS We’ll find something. INT. HALLWAY - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT - A FEW MINUTES LATER Christmas lights run out of Jess’s room and stop in the middle of the hall, where a surge protector is plugged in. Coming out of each plug in the surge protector is another string of Christmas lights, headed into the guys’ apartment. INT. KITCHEN - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT The apartment is covered in duct tape, wires, Christmas lights, and Christmas cheer. Donnie is reading Us Magazine. They clink cups of hot cocoa and sit down to watch Gosling. THE OPENING MONOLOGUE OF THE NOTEBOOK STARTS TO PLAY. JESS I love Gosling. DONNY I love Christmas. JESS Aren’t you Jewish? DONNY Yeah but everyone loves Christmas. Even Hamas probably likes Christmas. And Stacey is like the Hamas of ex-girlfriends. Jess glares at Donny. SETH I’m gonna go make some popcorn. Jess turns to Donny. JESS (WHISPERING) Be supportive! Seth takes the plug from the microwave and tries to plug it into a Christmas light. POWER SURGE. Lights flicker on and off. Seth reacts and knocks over the menorah. The microwave begins to fume.

(CONTINUED)


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8.

SETH Why is the menorah here! DONNY Jesus! Don’t blame this on my people! INT. HALLWAY - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT - MINUTES LATER MRS. CHO - their short, angry, Asian landlord - and a few firefighters stand in the hallway. MRS. CHO You set apartment on fire, have a million violations, Christmas lights, trampoline, extension chords, Gosling all night, and you no pay rent in three months! SETH We always pay rent. MRS. CHO No. That’s filthy-poop-lie. SETH Donny, you have been giving Mrs. Cho the rent checks, right? DONNY Oh. That’s what that money was for. SETH WHAT!? DONNY You always write "DA THUG LIFE" in the ’for’ line. I thought it was our booze and bitches budget. SETH Booze and bitches? Cho holds three fingers for emphasis. She uses her other hand to push down two of them, leaving a special one extended. DONNY Woah, woah, that certainly is not necessary, we were having a nice, big boy conversation!

(CONTINUED)


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9. MRS. CHO You two are not big boy. You are very small. Leave my apartment, now. JESS Are you evicting them? MRS. CHO And you! You are always causing problems with these two monkeys. And the Christmas lights are in your outlets. Get out. All of you! You are not welcome here.

ACT 2 EXT. STREET - SETH AND DONNY’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Jess, Seth and Donny sit on the curb, surrounded by various belongings. EVICTED. JESS I have some money, but I can’t ask anyone for more - my parents are out of town. SETH Where are they? JESS Setting up their offshore accounts in the Caymans. Awkward beat. DONNY Well, my parents lost all their money in the war. Jess pats Donny on the back. JESS What are we going to do? SETH Let’s just try to scrape some cash together. If we can get enough for a deposit, we’ll look for a place. A three bedroom place. (CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

10.

CUT TO: EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY Seth’s leaning against a wall with a cardboard sign and a hat in front of him, trying to get some spare change. He’s ignored by the passerbys. CUT TO: INT. RECORD STORE - DAY Jess is at a used record store, tearfully parting with her favorite albums. CUT TO: EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY Donny’s on a street corner, aggresively busking. GUITAR, BONGOS, SINGING WITH A SOCK PUPPET, BONGOS FOR SALE, SOCK PUPPET FOR SALE, CRAYON PORTRAITS, PUSHUPS, DANCING AROUND WITH A HAT, SWORD SWALLOWING, SWORD FOR SALE, MIMING/HUMAN STATUE, PREACHING DONNY For I have seen the light! Of the menorah! Of my people! And lo! The microwave did erupt in flames! INTERCUT throughout whole montage: Donny ACTING out the monologue from The Notebook, holding a paper cut out of Gosling’s face over his. DONNY AS GOSLING I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived. As the montage ends, Donny sprinkles water over his head and makes thunder noises.

(CONTINUED)


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11.

DONNY AS GOSLING (CONT’D) I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. He looks passionately into a random audience members eyes (a crowd has formed) - they lean in - they kiss! She slaps him and the crowd disperses. EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY Jess, Seth, and Donny all meet up. JESS How’d you guys do? SETH Alright. He holds out his hat, it has a handfull of coins in it. Jess puts a few dollars in. Donny grins and pulls a huge stack of cash out of his pants. EXT. APARTMENT IN COLLEGETOWN - DAY Seth and Jess are apartment shopping with a landlord named Chaz, who is wearing a rumpled suit and a real daddy-o mustache that screams OLD SCHOOL PORN. CHAZ I hoped you like the place, it’s a beauty. Hard wood floors, an oven, 3 bedrooms - exactly what you fine people have asked for. It floods a little when it rains, so try not to put anything too important on the first floor. JESS Great! We’re gonna talk it over with our friend and we’ll get back to you tonight. CHAZ Super. We’ll make a deal then.


12.

EXT. COLLEGETOWN STREET - DAY Jess and Seth are sitting on a curb, splitting a tub of Nutella. SETH I liked the last apartment. I liked it. It was JESS - nice. SETH Yeah. It was nice. JESS I - uhh, I agree. Donny drives up in a purple bus. Seth and Jess turn around in shock. DONNY ’Sup guys! SETH Where’d you get that? DONNY I bought it. SETH What do you mean, you ’bought it’? DONNY I bought it with the deposit money. This is our new apartment. JESS What? DONNY It’s got couches, and strobe lights, and couches. SETH No. No. This is not happening. DONNY Why not? JESS I agree. We can’t live here.

(CONTINUED)


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13.

DONNY Yes we can. I spent like three hours at Bed Bath & Beyond decking it out. Of course we’re living here. JESS Who did you buy this from? DONNY Pussy Bus Chaz. Seth and Jess look at each other puzzled. SETH Where does he live? DONNY On South Bend Road. He’s the last house in the dead end. SETH I’m sorry Donny but we need to get the deposit back. We’re not living on this bus. DONNY No! I did something right. I got this bus. I want this. SETH No. Jess and I don’t. I just don’t get you sometimes. Seth and Jess start walking away. DONNY I found us a place. If you don’t like it, you can find your own apartment. ACT 3 EXT. MANSION - DAY Seth and Jess stand in front of an ornate doorway and lift the heavy knocker. The door opens. CHAZ the real estate agent answers, now in a bathrobe and sunglasses.

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14.

SETH Pussy bus chaz?! CHAZ Yeah. Even realtors have alter egos. SETH Wow. CHAZ So you guys must really want to sign that lease, huh? JESS Did you sell a kid a bus today? CHAZ Yeah. I used to have a bus. SETH Can we sell it back to you? Chaz flips up his sunglasses. CHAZ You’re going to have to come inside first. I’m making some iced tea. INT. CHAZ’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Chaz, now clearly wearing only a SPEEDO under his bathrobe, holds up a tray of ICED TEA with FANCY LITTLE UMBRELLAS. Jess and Seth perch on uncomfortably modern sofas. SETH About the bus CHAZ We’ll get to that. Tell me about yourself. SETH We’re students at CHAZ No. Her. Do you act? Any stage experience? The thee-ay-tre? JESS No, I’m women’s studies.

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15.

CHAZ Boobs, huh? That’ll get you far. SETH Look, we really just want to sell back the bus. CHAZ Oh, I’m looking, bucko. Listen I don’t quite have any use for that bus anymore. I used to own a production company. How about you stick around for a little while and we can talk about gynecology and those legs and maybe I can give you guys the address of the previous owner? JESS Alright, sounds good. SETH You sure? JESS Yeah. This place is cool. And I kind of want to not be homeless. CHAZ The guy’s name is Skullfuck Randy. Real stand up guy. Seth thanks him and starts to leave CHAZ You ever played the Wii? I got one, downstairs. Chaz glances down at his crotch. EXT. SPLIT LEVEL ON A CUL-DE-SAC - DAY The ’burbs. Seth’s at the next door. Death metal is blasting from the house. SKULLFUCK RANDY - eighties rocker - opens the door. Piercings. Tattoos. ZZ TOP beard. SETH Are you Skullfuck Randy? SKULLFUCK RANDY Just Randy.

(CONTINUED)


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16.

SETH Did you own a bus? SKULLFUCK RANDY Hell yeah. Look my wife just made some iced tea, you better come in. INT. SKULLFUCK RANDY’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Seth sits in the most typical suburban kitchen you’ve ever seen. Pictures of the kids on the fridge. Scrabble on the coffee table. Randy’s wife, ELLEN, is holding a tray of iced tea. She is a normal suburban mother in a pencil skirt and a blouse except for crazy hard-core tattoos covering every patch of bare skin on her body. ELLEN So Pussy Bus Chaz gave you our address? SETH Yeah. ELLEN He’s a good guy. We used to party hard with him in San Fernando. SKULLFUCK RANDY Yeah, Chaz and me were knee deep in the Valley, my man. (To wife) Oh, are you picking up Randy Junior? The library closes in a half hour. ELLEN Yes, I can. SKULLFUCK RANDY Little punk’s a genius. Got any kids? SETH I’m twenty. SKULLFUCK RANDY Hey man, you never know. I’m sure there are a few Randy Juniors out there we don’t know about.

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17.

ELLEN Randy, stop it. Have you had a chance to look at the paint samples from the decorator yet? SKULLFUCK RANDY Aw, hell yeah! The mauve will blow you away. SETH Randy, our friend bought the bus. It was a mistake. Any chance you’d buy it back? SKULLFUCK RANDY Man, I made a lot of mistakes on that bus. It’s only - I’m past that chapter in my life. I’m a family man. Oh - hold up - this is my favorite part. Launches into epic shredding air guitar solo with wife - and it’s some pretty sexual air shredding. SKULLFUCK RANDY Yeah, yeah. The guy we bought the bus from, he’s radical. Might even buy it back, dude gets a real kick off nostalgia. Name’s Crazy Mel. He lives in the parkin lot behind Oak Hill Middle School. EXT. OAK HILL MIDDLE SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY CRAZY MEL is sleeping in the trunk of his hatchback. He is around 65, wearing a tie-dyed shirt and no pants, but otherwise relatively clean cut. Oh, and he’s cradling a SAWED-OFF TWELVE GAUGE. Seth knocks on the window, and Mel jumps and scurries out of the car, still holding the gun - and nonchalantly pointing it at Seth. CRAZY MEL Whatcha want, son? SETH Mel?

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18.

CRAZY MEL Unless you’re trying to sell me thin mints or The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, you best be backing up real quick. SETH No, no I’m here about your bus. CRAZY MEL I don’t have a bus. He takes some loose ammunition out of his pocket. SETH Whoa, whoa CRAZY MEL Don’t worry. I got a squirrel problem. Never can be too careful. SETH You used to own a bus? CRAZY MEL Oh, you’re talking about Sheila Rae? Oh boy, she was a beaut. SETH You named the bus Sheila Rae? CRAZY MEL No. She named herself. In her nighttime whispers. SETH I was wondering if I could actually sell you the bus back. CRAZY MEL I got her after the war. Thousand yard stare. CRAZY MEL (CONT’D) Do you have any of those Samoa cookies? They keep me grounded when things get too heavy. Are you even a girl scout at all? SETH No, but I have your bus.

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19.

CRAZY MEL You’re talking about Sheila Rae? Oh boy, she was a beaut. (Long pause) That ship’s sailed. And after those damned fascists painted over her well things just aren’t what they were. Thousand yard stare. CRAZY MEL Do you have a thin mint? SETH No, I’m here about the bus. CRAZY MEL Sheila Rae, right. Oh boy, what a beaut. Pick me up one of your boxes of peanut butter patties and we got a deal. SETH A deal? CRAZY MEL With the car. The bus! You slow or something kid? If you’re tripping, I got some Vitamin b and Valium, if that’s what you need to get through these negotiations. SETH For the bus? CRAZY MEL I got some iced tea, too, if you’re thirsty. Just made it. SETH Sure. I’ll have a glass. CRAZY MEL I miss old Sheila. How much you want for her? SETH Really? Three-fifty would be great. Crazy Mel points the shotgun at Seth.

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20.

SETH Three-hundred. CRAZY MEL Okay. I’ve got two-fifty in my coat. Mel reaches into his pants and takes out a wad of cash. CRAZY MEL I made a lot of good friends on that bus. A lot of good memories. Seth looks at the money. EXT. STREET CORNER - DAY Donny’s on the corner with a sock puppet, doing a ventriloquism act. The bus is parked nearby. SOCK PUPPET Don’t worry Donny, I’m your friend. DONNY Thanks, Sockrates. You’re a pretty cool guy. SOCK PUPPET This is a good home Donny. Just make sure to take me off next time before you - well - you know. Seth walks over to Donny, who ignores him. SETH Donny, give me the keys. SOCK PUPPET Don’t give him the keys to our home. DONNY I don’t care if he sold it. I don’t need him anyways. I only need you. Donny pats Sock on the head. SOCK PUPPET I’d avoid the kind of jerk who’d be a big jerk and have an unhealthy big jerk relationship with you.

(CONTINUED)


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21.

DONNY But, he’s my friend. Donny takes off the sock. DONNY (CONT’D) What are you doing here? SETH I thought about it a little and I figure couches are pretty comfortable. I’m thinking about painting the inside mauve. DONNY You mean it? Seth puts out his hand. They climb into the bus. EXT. CHAZ’S HOUSE - DAY Jess comes to the door with a Wii-mote, where Donny and Seth are waiting. SETH Sorry for leaving you here. JESS What? Why are you sorry? Chaz comes out. CHAZ Hey, Donny! DONNY Pussy Bus Chaz! Seth, did you play his Wii? He’s got Wii fit! INT. BUS - NIGHT Seth plugs in some Christmas lights. SETH Welcome home. The three snuggle under a blanket and watch The Notebook. DONNY Pass the iced tea?

(CONTINUED)


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Skullfuck Randy, Ellen, Crazy Mel and Chaz are sitting behind them. With some iced tea. THE END

22.


Magic Bus