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FLASHYWINGS DISCOVER THE QUEEN IN YOU
SIGNS THAT A HUSBAND IS UNFAITHFUL
7 Symptons You
ISSUE TWO www.flashywingsministry.co.uk
ARE YOU GETTING DESPERATE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
YOU ARE WHAT YOU WEAR
should never ignore
Discovering the Queen in You
EDITORIAL TEAM CHIEF EDITOR QUEEN ENEFOLA EKUERHARE
CONTRIBUTORS CAROLINE CASSIDY PHADERA FLASH SUSAN STEINER MARYANN ENE NNWAKWO
elcome Flashy Wings Magazine is happy and excited to release the second edition, after a successful first edition. Our magazine is not like any other, it entails spiritual, realistic, and educational issues. It also gives answers to women’s questions. Most magazines aim at dealing with the surface, but we dig deep within, because we believe a woman’s beauty is ‘inside out, not outside in’. We have put together an amazing variety of articles that will definitely gratify your reader’s quest. But also, it will enrich, expand, inspire, encourage and motivate you towards “DISCOVERING THE QUEEN IN YOU”. We are all about celebrating the beauty of womanhood. I hope you enjoy reading our magazine.
QUEEN ENEFOLA EKUERHARE
. n e e u Q
FLASHY WINGS EDITOR AND COORDINATOR
Noble Calling: Florence Nigtingale.
Helpful advice & tips to women married to unfaithful husband...
Relationship.......................................................... 04-06 Signs that a husband is unfaithful
ANGELA OSIGBESAN MONICA TADA HARVEST OUTREACH MINISTRIES
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Is an inspirational, motivational, encouraging, educative website which celebrates the beauty of womanhood, It is interactive and provides the opportunity to share experiences, motivate, teach and inspire women and ultimately stir them towards discovering the Queen in them. A gift to every woman!!! You can’t miss out, go to www.flashywingsministry.co.uk Please visit the website every Friday to read weekly edition. Remember to add your comments we value your contributions, please share this site with your friends.
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Discovering the Queen in You
Relationship.......................................................... 08-09 Advice to woman married to unfaithful husband
FLASHY WINGS YOUTH MINISTRY DISCOVER THE QUEEN IN YOU
Flashy Wings Youth Ministry is an online magazine that is designed to cater for the needs of young ladies from the ages of (15-23). In today's society where the dignity of womanhood is gradually fading away, the magazine is equipped to encourage, motivate, inspire, and educate young ladies, to blossom, flourish, and celebrate their youthfulness. You can’t miss out go to: www.flashywingsyouthministry.co.uk It is an interactive forum the blog section is active and we encourage your comments and contributions. There is joy in sharing.
You are whay you wear!!!
Inspirational Woman....................................... 10-11 Noble Calling
Fashion.................................................................... .....12 You are what you wear
Featured Article.......................................................13 God? At my convinience!
Irony of Religion......................................................13 Featured Article
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Woman of Wisdom...............................................07
Your children are not your own.
Health & Beauty.......................................................14 7 Symptons you should never ignore
Parenting.....................................................................15 Your children are not yours
Pearls of Wisdom............................................... 16-17 Featured Article
Single Zone........................................................... 18-19 Are you getting desperate in a relationship
Are you getting desperate in your relatioship?
Discovering the Queen in You
LYING AND STORYTELLING: When a man is unfaithful he is always unavailable at home, because he needs to spend time with his mistress. Since it is a game of lust, he finds the stolen kisses more pleasurable. When he comes home, he is always telling his wife lies and stories. Men who are unfaithful lie a lot because they feel that is the only way they can maintain peace in their double lifestyle. If a wife is observant, she will be able to detect a lying husband.
RELATIONSHIP... MARRIAGE ZONE. SIGNS THAT A HUSBAND IS UNFAITHFUL
nfaithfulness is one of the biggest marriage destroyers right from time immemorial. This article is written to help women that are going through such trials on how to travail over the monster infidelity. KEEPING LATE NIGHTS: If a husband frequently comes home late without any reasonable explanation, if he runs out of excuses and it feels like he is ly-
Discovering the Queen in You
ing, that is quite suspicious. However, some men might be keeping late nights because of the pressure going on at home. But in cases of infidelity, it becomes a regular pattern without any definite reasons.
ALWAYS LOOKING GUILTY AND DEFENSIVE: There is a saying that goes ‘The guilty are always afraid’. Whenever someone is doing something that is not right, they are always guilty. Adultery is a violation of God’s law and against marital vows. The man feels guilty because he knows deep down in his heart that what he is doing is wrong. He comes home with this defensive attitude even when no one is attacking him. Anytime his wife wants to have a word with him, he is always shifty until he realises that what she is trying to say has nothing to do with the present development. Maybe she is just asking for money for household shopping.
Most man that are unfaithful usually have this one common problem: a poor sex life with their spouse. I personally believe that this is due to various reasons. A man’s sexuality is physical and energy driven. If he spends time satisfying his mistress, he might not have the strength to satisfy his wife. Most times the romance with his girlfriend is usually wild and adventurous. That can be physically demanding. Another reason might be due to the fact that when a man is emotionally fascinated and attracted to another woman, he is more focused on her rather than his wife. Sometimes it could be the fact that he feels that he is not getting any fun or exciting sex from his wife. Or he is tired of just having to do with one woman, so he wants something different. Some couples go for months without any physical contact. While the wife is deprived in silence, the man is having his own fulfilment elsewhere. Whatever the case, if a man is cheating on his wife, their sex life is always unhealthy.
PHYSICAL EVIDENCE: ‘A criminal will mistakenly leave evidence behind’. No matter how smart a man is, if he is unfaithful, it is just a matter of time, the wife will find out. Most women have this natural ability to detect; they have very strong intuition and instincts. Most men cheating leave physical evidence like their clothes smelling of feminine perfume, or having to answer a strange ‘phone call when they are with their wife. They may forget a shopping recipe in their pocket that has to do to with cosmetics or ladies’ wear that is not for their wife. Somehow these men will always do something that will find them out. Further physical
evidence will be the man’s attitude. He tends to change in his behaviour, always acting like a stranger around his family, even when he is physically present. There is always this unexplained distance between him and his wife.
MISSING OUT ON FAMILY TIMES: When a man is unfaithful, both the wife and children suffer, because he robs them of precious family time. He is always unavailable. Even if he wants to spend time with his family, maybe after too many complaints, he is always in a rush and does not give them quality time. The man becomes selfish because what he is pursuing outside is born out of a selfish desire. Infidelity is very destructive to the home because it disrupts the peace and harmony in the house. Some men like to think that they are just catching a bit of fun outside, not mindful of the fact that such ventures can be fatal.
COMPLAINING ABOUT A WIFE’S FLAWS: This might sound funny, but most unfaithful husbands want to justify a reason for their cheating. At times, in their mind, they have to emotionally blacklist their wife so that they can suppress their conscience to do whatever they want to do. They start complaining about their wife’s flaws and shortcomings, always tongue-lashing and using abusive words. They tend to focus only on her negative side. Furthermore, they start telling others around them (i.e. friends and relatives) that the whole marriage was a mistake. This entire complaint is just a way of them excusing and justifying their acts.
DIVORCE THREAT DURING QUARRELS:
the mistress starts looking for commitment rather than just being in a mere relationship. She might start suggesting that the man divorce his wife and marry her since he cannot have enough of her. Men get very vulnerable on Delilah’s lap. In the worst case scenario, the man will actually divorce his wife or totally abandon his family.
REFUSING TO EAT MOST TIMES: An African quote says, ‘The way to a man’s heart is his stomach’. Most of the women who get hold of other women’s husbands have two good weapons: sex and food. They make special delicacies for the man. Even if the lady doesn’t know how to cook, there will be a lot of eating out. By the time the man gets home, he can’t even eat his wife’s meal. Besides, some keep such late nights that, when they get home, the last thing they want to do is to eat. In some cases, the man will start giving the lady a food allowance and will not give to his wife. So he goes to his mistress at mealtimes and does not even bother with his wife’s cooking.
WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE AFTER QUARRELS, NOT COMING HOME FOR DAYS Naturally, most men can’t stand it when they quarrel with their wife. They may leave the house for a few hours to cool off. But, for men that are unfaithful, they are usually happy for such opportunities. As a matter of fact, they create tension in the home to run away. Some men take off for days, weeks, or months, hiding under the pretext that they are unhappy with their wife because of a little family disagreement. They exaggerate the problem but their real aim is to spend that free uninterrupted period with their mistress.
Some men in the process of catching fun with their mistress can get hooked, and start deluding themselves that they are in love. Some will start looking for reasons to leave their wife. Every time there is a quarrel, the man keeps on emphasising separation or divorce. Meanwhile, what the man does not know is that what he shares with his mistress is some fantasies and makebelieve romance. In some cases, the man will be under pressure because
Discovering the Queen in You
CAN’T COPE WITH HIS USUAL FAMILY BUDGET An extra marital affair is not just emotionally demanding, it is financially demanding as well. Most mistresses are quite aware that the man has a family. In most cases, they’re in the relationship for what they can get from the man. This means the man ends up having to cater financially for both his home and the girlfriend. In some cases, he deprives his family to satisfy the mistress because he is consumed by the passion of lust. Money is usually a constant issue with an unfaithful husband, especially if he is not a rich man. Because he allows himself to go through unnecessary hassles, some men end up paying double bills: one for their home, the other for their mistress. They can’t even have any savings of their own. It’s just like the story of the man named Esau who traded his birthright for a pot of porridge. Unfaithful men unfortunately trade everything they have (youthfulness, money, investment, family, etc) for just mere minutes of pleasure.
BECOME OBSESSED WITH LOOKING GOOD AND YOUNG This usually happens if an older man is dating a younger girl. He tries to look and feel young, to match up with the lady’s age and era. Sometimes he buys contemporary music, wears the latest fashion in order not to feel like the old school. Or he may go for a nice hair cut too often and start going to gym to turn his pot belly into six packs. It will definitely be obvious that he is not doing this for his wife. He tries so hard to look good so that a younger man will not challenge him.
BECOME COLD AND UNEMOTIONAL Most unfaithful men are usually cold and unemotional to their spouse because infidelity is like an onion. Every time you peel a layer, you get another layer. It is a sin that breeds other sins. The Bible has instructed men to love and be faithful to their wives. But if a man is unfaithful, he breaks that law, and gradually his heart of love for his wife melts away. Then it is replaced with a heart of stone which enables him to maltreat his wife without any sense of guilt. Inasmuch as unfaithful men can feel guilty around their wives, a time will come when they do not feel any remorse whatsoever because it is something they have been doing for a long time. So they page FLASHYWINGS 6 Discovering the Queen in You
succeed in killing their conscience and they see their infidelity issues as part of their normal life.
CAN’T DROP HIS HANDSET: When a man is not trustworthy, he acts in a very shady way. Most unfaithful men do not put their handset down when they are at home. Even if they go to sleep, they don’t mind putting it under their pillow. Or when they are charging the ‘phone, they have to sit very close to it. Whenever the ‘phone rings, they act very strange, until they can identify the caller. Some men end up having an affair with certain women that are very needy, possessive, and irrational. Such women can disrupt the little time the man wants to spend with his wife by calling at that particular time. So in order for the man to play smart and be on top of his game, he keeps his ‘phone to himself. However, some men save the lady’s name as a man’s name. For example, they save Joy as John or Martina as Martin, just in case the ‘phone rings in at the wrong time. Most times, when women are suspicious of their husbands, they go through the messages on his ‘phone. Men are not ignorant of that, so their ‘phone becomes a secretive object.
DON’T LIKE GOING OUT WITH WIFE The fact is that most unfaithful husbands deprive their wife of quality time. As a matter of fact, the mistress enjoys more quality time with the man. Unfaithful men find it much easier to take their mistress out (i.e. shopping, romantic dinner, cinema etc.) rather than their wife, which is really a shame. Sometimes, the men feel that their mistress is more fun to be around with than their wife. The reality is that if a man is cheating on his wife and she is aware of it, she suffers emotionally. Such feelings can make a woman have low self-esteem, and be bitter and resentful towards her husband. Because the man has made the worst out of his wife, what he gives is what gets. If he reversers the role, which should be the case, and treats his wife the way he treats his mistress, he will get the very best out of his wife.
EASILY IRRITATED AND AGGRESSIVE Irritation and aggression is a way of showing someone that you despise and resent the person. Most unfaithful men act this
way towards their wife, because someone else is the object of their affection. Sometimes they just can’t stand the presence of their wife, they have this deep hatred. If care is not taken, if there is a quarrel, they may even end up beating their wife like a punching bag.
BECOME SUSPICIOUS OF THEIR WIFE’S FRIENDSHIP WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: In as much as men want to overindulge themselves with extramarital affairs, some do understand the commitment of marriage. Despite the fact that they do not keep to their promise to be faithful, some men are very aware that what transpires between them and their mistress is just a fling. So they end up using the woman sexually and messing her up. Because of their dreadful deeds, they become over-protective of their wife or grown up daughter. They become suspicious about any man who is friendly with their wife on a platonic level; it could be a colleague or a church bother. Unfaithful men, at times, have a wrong notion about women that they are weak and feeble, and can easily fall for a man’s charm. What they don’t know is that most ladies that falls into their traps are the vulnerable or the greedy ones. Cheating men are the most jealous and suspicious husbands and fathers.
IF HE IS A CHRISTIAN, HE STARTS SLACKING IN SPIRITUAL ACTIVITIES Infidelity is like any other wrong- doing or sin. Unfortunately, some Christians fall into this sin. One thing about sin is that it is darkness. Light repels darkness. When someone is living in sin, he starts running away from the truth and does not want to engage in spiritual activities (praying, studying the Bible, fellowshipping). Because they want to feed their fleshly desires and wallow in sin, they do not want to give it up. As a result, they do not want to hear anything that will revive their dead conscience, they avoid spiritual activities.
>> Written by Queen Ekuerhare
Wisdom a woman of
WOMEN CAN APPLY WISDOM IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS, MARRIAGE, PARENTING, CAREER, BUSINESS ETC., THEY WOULD NOT GO THROUGH A FRACTION OF THE PROBLEMS THEY EXPERIENCE. WHO IS A WOMAN OF WISDOM? MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT A WISE WOMAN IS SOMEONE THAT IS PERFECT, FLAWLESS, SCANDAL-LESS ETC. BUT THE TRUTH IS NO SUCH WOMAN HAS EVER EXISTED OR EVER COULD.
A WOMAN OF WISDOM IS A WOMAN THAT IS TEACHABLE, WILLING AND EAGER TO LEARN, NOT AFRAID TO FAIL. Because in her failures, she knows the secrets of success, she dusts herself off anytime she falls and continues her journey. She does not hold on to past grievances because she believes they make her who she is. Also, she is useful with her time, productivity is her watchword, she is not ignorant of her weakness, therefore, maximizes her strength. She believes that only fools are arrogant and prideful because ‘vanity upon vanity is vanity’.
A WOMAN OF WISDOM IS A WOMAN WHO GATHERS THE DROPS WHILE IT IS STILL RAINING, NEVER MAKE EXCUSES FOR MISTAKES, BUT TAKE PRECAUTIONS. She prepares for the night while it is still day, willing to wrestle with fear until she wins. She understands that a woman’s charm is full of grace, not a cheap commodity that money can buy. She is not afraid to cry or laugh, she knows when to release either emotion. Her heart is kind and tender towards the needy because she knows they could have been her.
‘FOR WISDOM IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN RUBIES, AND NOTHING YOU DESIRE CAN COMPARE WITH HER.’ PROVERBS 8:11 (NIV) ‘WISDOM IS A SHELTER AS MONEY IS A SHELTER, BUT THE ADVANTAGE OF KNOWLEDGE IS THIS: WISDOM PRESERVES THOSE WHO HAVE IT.’ ECCLESIASTES 7:12 (NIV) A WOMAN OF WISDOM IS A WOMAN OF PRAYER; she loves the Lord, and seeks Him for direction. When she loses her faith and hope seems like million miles away, she goes on her knees and cries to the heavens. She is a firm believer in God’s word; her voice is heard aloud in worship. Her tongue speaks the truth; in obedience she does God’s will. When she strays from God, she is quick to retrace her steps and ask forgiveness, she does not only invest on earth, but also invests in her eternity.
A WOMAN OF WISDOM KNOWS SOME FRIENDS ARE FOES SO SHE IS NOT EASILY ENTICED. She knows vain men from afar; she is willing to take another path. Her husband knows her value and her children knows she is irreplaceable. Her home is full of joy, crisis fades like the entrance of light in a dark room. She is a role model to other women because she shines her light for others to see.
‘THE WISE WOMAN BUILDS HER HOUSE, BUT WITH HER OWN HANDS THE FOOLISH ONE TEARS HERS DOWN.’ PROVERBS 14:1 (NIV) When we look at the life of the woman of wisdom, we can see that she is not perfect; she has weaknesses and flaws like any other woman. But her willingness to learn and excel is what makes her a woman of wisdom. When we reflect on our lives, we see that our better can be best. The problem is not with our failures, mistakes, horrible past and weaknesses. The problem is with our conscious inability to rise above our odds. We can take a step of faith to move forward that is what makes us WOMEN OF WISDOM!!
Written Flashy Wings Ministry
Discovering the Queen in You
Written by Queen Ekuerhare untidy. This could actually make the man look for solace elsewhere. So it is important for a wife to listen if her husband is frustrated and complains about some particular areas of her life. It is good for the wife to try improving and enhancing herself. Nobody is perfect, but we can all work towards perfection.
DON’T GO FIGHTING THE MISTRESS
ADVIOCMEEN MARRIED TO W ITHFUL MEN TO UNFA
FIGHTING DOES NOT HELP: Usually, when a man is unfaithful, a woman cannot do anything physically to stop him, unless the man fell into such a predicament as a result of his wife’s behaviour. A lot of women have tried to stop their husbands from cheating by trying so hard. Sometimes they fight him, they spy on him, and they are always making the home very uncomfortable. Such attitudes do not help. Rather, it escalates the whole situation on a negative note. What the wife needs to realise is that the mistress can be quite pretentious. She might give the man the best treatment and pampering. When the man gets home, if his wife’s behaviour is the reverse, it can deceive him into thinking that the mistress is a better woman. It is natural for wives to express their frustration towards their cheating husbands. But, at the same time, it is also good to exercise some level of control.
IN DANGER IF NOT PRACTISING SAFE SEX: This is the most difficult part in marriage when it comes to infidelity. An unfaithful man is in danger of contacting sexually transmitted disease. Most times, when men are overtaken by lust, they usually disregard all consequences. Once they are involved in their deeds, they not only put their own health in danger, but they also endanger their wife’s health. Some unfaithful men do actually practise safe sex outside of marriage. But it is hard for a woman to guarantee that. If she is not really sure, it is better to practise safe sex because, remember, if he doesn’t love himself, YOU love yourself! Please, if the woman is in doubt about her husband, she should not feel emotional or guilty (which a lot of women do) to practise safe sex with him. It is for her own good. Many women have died as a result of sexually transmitted disease passed on to
Discovering the Queen in You
them by their unfaithful husbands. So in this case, wisdom is applicable. Going to the sexual health clinic for checkups often is fine. Treatment can start if there is any infection. Early interventions can save a life.
PRAY FOR HIM & STUDY GOD’S WORD There is power in prayer. There is no barrier that cannot be broken. No matter what situation anyone is going through, the Bible gives us assurances and solutions. Rather than trying to physically do things in order to stop the man, it is better to fight the battle spiritually. Pray for him and have faith that God will touch his heart. The honest truth is that there are situations that are beyond us. That is why we need divine intervention. By the time we look deep at the origin of the problem, we will discover that the devil is the master minder of everything that is evil. It is also important that you pray to God to create a situation that will make the man realise that what he is doing is bad. Also, the wife needs to pray for herself, that God will give her the strength to go through this trying period in her marriage. If there is anything to be revealed, God should reveal it to her so that she can overcome at last. Prayer is the key, and studying the Bible for assurances and approval. Focus on God’s promises about marriage.
IMPROVE YOUR SELF-IMAGE In as much as we try to blame men for being unfaithful, the reality is that some women are responsible for their husband’s escapades. However, that doesn’t advocate unfaithfulness. But sometimes, men are moved by what they see. So imagine them coming to the house and seeing their wife unattractive or unappealing to them. This could actually turn them off. Or, sometimes, it could be issues like no fun in the bedroom or a wife’s inability to satisfy the husband sexually. In some cases, it could be the wife’s behaviour, like always nagging, being lazy, not submissive or
Some women are quite aware of whom their husbands are seeing outside. Some might actually go and fight the woman in public places. I quite agree that when a husband is cheating on his wife with someone she knows, it can be a painful experience. But at the end of the day, the wife does not have to reduce herself to that woman’s level. Unless the woman actually comes into her own house, she should not go outside fighting her and openly disgracing herself. Otherwise, it shows a woman who does not have the ability to sustain her marriage and helplessly losing it. The truth is that it takes two to tango, so the husband is just as guilty as his mistress.
AVOID OPEN QUARRELS ON SUCH SUBJECT MATTER AROUND YOUR CHILDREN Everybody has challenges in their marriage. Yet people have different approaches. While some will approach it in a more diplomatic, tactful way, others will be straight forward. Whatever it is, no approach is wrong. It depends on when and how it is expressed. When it comes to sensitive issues like unfaithfulness, there is also a moral issue. It is important how a wife handles it around the children, especially if they are young people or teenagers. On no account, should the woman do anything that will allow the children to disrespect their father. He might not be the perfect father figure but the mother should still try and encourage the children to respect him. It’s not like trying to cover-up her husband’s sins. But it’s more like trying to protect the children until they are mature enough to handle certain information. Challenging the husband about such weakness openly around the children is not wise. Although I do understand that sometimes women cannot help it when they are fed up, that is when they need to apply some level of self-control.
SEEK ADVICE FROM A PROFESSIONAL OR A MATURE PERSON YOU CAN TRUST: A lot of women do not want to talk about their husband’s infidelity issues because they want to protect their homes. But sometimes wives can’t keep quiet because silence kills and bottling up emotions is dangerous, because a wife might do something she will regret. So it is good to identify someone to talk to. It may be a professional marriage counsellor, a mature friend or a spiritual leader, someone that can actually feel her pain and give her good counsel. The person might not be able to do anything about the situation. But the wife is talking, and the person listening can be quite therapeutic.
TRY TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT Some women have tolerated their husband’s infidelity acts solely because they depend on him financially. They don’t have a say because they are scared of being kicked out and not being able to cater for themselves. Once a wife discovers that her husband is unfaithful, she should start thinking and working towards becoming financially dependent. That will strengthen her to make wise decisions and execute them successfully rather than just playing the role of a fool, mainly because of security. In some cases, the husband starts disrespecting his wife by cheating on her because he sees her as a liability.
MAKE AN EFFORT TO LOVE, EVEN THOUGH IT IS HARD When a man is unfaithful, at some point, it is natural for the wife to start resenting him. However, love covers a multitude of sins. If the man is not living up to his expectation as a husband that does not mean that the wife should not live up to her own expectations. Two wrongs cannot make a right. This may be difficult to see, but love never fails, it always wins. A wife should try, make an effort, to love and respect her husband as long as she wants to be in the marriage. This might actually touch the man’s heart some day.
NEVER BE TEMPTED TO RETALIATE This is becoming very common in our society these days, which it never used to be. Maybe as a result of women becoming independent and more ‘no-nonsense’, some women actually go and cheat on their husbands because their husbands cheated on them. That is foolishness of the highest order. On NO account should she let ANY human being allow her to commit sin, even if the person is her husband. If the woman cannot take his attitude anymore, it is better for her to walk out of the marriage than going to cheat on him. Because, at the end of the day, she will end up cheating herself, breaking God’s laws and bringing more curses on the family.
DON’T TURN YOURSELF INTO AN EMOTIONAL WRECK I do understand that an unfaithful husband can leave his wife with an emotional breakdown. But at the end of the day, a woman should learn to know how much she can take emotionally. It is wise that, at some point, she should ignore her husband and focus on herself. She should stop waiting for his validation;. Stop looking to him for comfort, romance and tender loving care because that is what a wife can’t get totally from an unfaithful husband. She should focus on taking care of herself, loving herself and celebrating herself. This is better than becoming an emotional wreck so that anybody looking at her knows that all is not well. Some women have lost their minds and, as a result, have ended up in a mental institution or, even worse, committed suicide. So a wife should take good care of her entire well-being.
TAKE YOUR ATTENTION AND FOCUS OFF THE MAN AND CONCENTRATE ON YOUR CHILDREN AND FRIENDS A lot of women have been able to survive a marriage when their husbands are unfaithful. That’s because they stopped focusing and wasting their energy on the man and they started concentrating on their children. You hear a lot of women say ‘I am still married to him just for the sake of the children.’ It is a good way of handling the situation, especially when the man acts as if he does not have time for her or does not really care. Focusing on her children and friends is a way of channelling her energy into something productive rather than trying to stop something that is beyond her control.
BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST When a man is unfaithful, the wife cannot guarantee what he may do next. He could wake up one morning and tell her that the marriage is over. He could pack up and abandon his wife and children. He might stop providing for the family totally or stop sexual intercourse with the wife, etc. As far as he is blinded by lust, the wife should prepare herself for the worst. She should not be too naive and gullible. The wife has to be wise and think ahead in order not be taken unaware and be shattered.
NEVER GET TEMPTED TO USE DIABOLICAL MEANS TO STOP HIM: Everyone gets to the point when they are vulnerable. In one’s lowest times, different suggestions can come to mind. If there are negative influences around the person, they can escalate the issue. They can actually give the wife wrong advice. But what she should understand is that love is an act of will. There is no point in trying to manipulate love. If a husband is unfaithful, it is not an opportunity for the wife to visit witch doctors, trying to get love potions to save the marriage. If she dabbles into witchcraft and the occult, she only adds to the evil.
DON’T BELIEVE THE NEGATIVE THINGS HE TELLS YOU: Most unfaithful husbands display a high level of irritation towards their wife, almost portraying hatred. So they start telling their wife nasty, abusive and disrespectful things. Although it really hurts to hear that from their husband who is supposed to be their companion, a lot of women take such insults onboard. They fail to realise that the man is not in any position to say that to them. They should not believe every negative thing that comes out of their husband’s mouth. If a wife allows him to get to her, she will be left feeling insecure about herself.
CHALLENGE THE ACT, DON’T CONDONE IT: At times when a wife is quiet about certain issues, the husband might easily mistake it for accepting the situation. When a woman knows that her husband is unfaithful to her, she should voice her opinion and express her feelings on such issues. Also, she should make the man understand what decision she wants to take. Wives shouldn’t sit down and bottle
things up, because being silent on such a serious matter has proven to be more dangerous than speaking out. She should challenge the man’s behaviour; maybe he might even caution or check and balance himself. Challenging him doesn’t mean she should insult or be rude to her husband. She can speak in a firm manner and make him understand how unhappy she is about his infidelity. It is not good for anyone to condone inappropriate behaviour. A wife speaking out means that she is revolting against such an act. Wives have every right to challenge their husband’s infidelity.
DON’T OVER-STRETCH YOURSELF Some women want to do anything they can to win their husband’s love back. They try to over-dress, be over-good, be over-loving until they begin to do things over the top. In most cases, the man’s attraction is somewhere else. Therefore, he might not even see or appreciate efforts made by his wife. Whatever the case is, she should be herself! She should not over-stretch herself or put herself under any type of pressure because she might become exhausted. Ladies should not blame themselves for their husband’s unfaithfulness. A wife can’t be responsible for his actions; she can only be responsible for her own actions.
DON’T DECEIVE OR LIE TO YOURSELF Some women have decided to accept their fate that they are married to unfaithful men. They start saying things like ‘All men are the same’. That is a lie! They tend to want to generalise such perceptions so that they can feel better. However, some women try to create a make believe marriage even when they know that it is not real. Some even try to lie themselves that it is not true even though they know it is true that the man is unfaithful. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to lie to themselves. So the wife should be realistic about the situation as much as much as possible. In this way, she can be able to think and plan about how she can best handle the situation.
A WIFE CAN CONSIDER SEPARATION: This may sound controversial, but we have to be realistic. They only reason that the Bible does allow divorce is on the grounds of infidelity. It is very easy for people to get over-spiritual and say marriage is for better for worse, even in the deadliest situation. However, separation should be the last resort, that is, if the marriage is jeopardising everything such as the woman’s life, happiness, children, health, mental state, Christian life, personality, relationship with people, career etc. Also, if she feels that there is nothing that the marriage can offer anymore and all she gets is doom and gloom. This is especially true when the man is not repentant and has hardened his heart towards her. If it has gotten to that point of irreconcilable differences and she feels that there is no more peace or rest in the marriage, then she can consider separation. That’s because I personally believe that one has to ‘stay alive to be married’. But a note of caution should be that this is the last resort, which is, when a wife believes she has tried everything and has no more strength to go on.
Discovering the Queen in You
amous for her work in the military hospitals of the Crimea, Nightingale established nursing as a respectable profession for women. Florence Nightingale was born on 12 May 1820, and named after the Italian city of her birth. Her wealthy parents were in Florence as part of a tour of Europe. In 1837, Nightingale felt that God was calling her to do some work but wasn’t sure what that work should be. She began to develop an interest in nursing, but her parents considered it to be a profession inappropriate to a woman of her class and background, and would not allow her to train as a nurse. They expected her to make a good marriage and live a conventional upper class woman’s life.
FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE - 1820-1910
Discovering the Queen in You
Nightingale’s parents eventually relented and in 1851, she went to Kaiserwerth in Germany for three months nursing training. This enabled her to become superintendent of a hospital for gentlewomen in Harley Street, in 1853. The following year, the Crimean War began and soon reports in the newspapers were describing the desperate lack of proper medical facilities for wounded British soldiers at the front. Sidney Herbert, the war minister, already knew Nightingale, and asked her to oversee a team of nurses in the military hospitals in Turkey. In November 1854, She arrived in Scutari in Turkey. With her nurses, she greatly improved the conditions and substantially reduced the mortality rate She returned to England in 1856. In 1860, she established the Nightingale Training School for nurses at St Thomas’ Hospital in London. Once the nurses were trained, they were sent to hospitals all over Britain, where they introduced the ideas they had learned, and established nursing training on the Nightingale model. Nightingale’s theories, published in ‘Notes on Nursing’ (1860), were hugely influential and her concerns for sanitation, military health and hospital planning established practices which are still in existence today. She died on 13 August 1910.
Written by BBC History http://www.bbc.co.uk/history Publish with permission from bbc history
THOUGHTS & REFLECTIONS OF FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE STORY
Flashy Wings Message
t is one thing to be called by God, and have a conviction. It is another thing to face opposition. Funnily enough, it gets even tougher when the people opposing you are the one’s closest to you! Florence had a dream. But her parents were opposed to it, and had their own plans for her. Despite their wishes however, she still persevered and never gave up! Through this mind-set she became what she wanted to be. We see that life is not a straight forward road, so we need to take our destiny into our own hands. Others may not believe in you, but please believe in yourself. Because as long as your dream has been sanctioned by God, people’s opinions about you are not always as important as you think they are. It is what God thinks about you that really counts.
ADDING VALUE Raw gold looks dirty, rusty, and ugly, but by the time it goes through the refining process, it becomes one of the most expensive valuables money can buy. The same goes for cotton. In its raw state it looks like ordinary white wool, but when it goes through the processing stage, it becomes desirable because value is added to it. So how is raw gold and cotton relevant to Florence’s story you may ask? Florence added value to the nursing profession through a refining process. Today nursing has be-
come a very prestigious career all over the world, and nurses are highly sought after. Before Florence joined the nursing profession, however, it was not always held in such high esteem. The nursing profession was often frowned upon and not seen as being reputable. But Florence did something that changed the view held by many about nursing as a career. She added value to the career. This can be a lesson to women that the things that seem valueless in life needs value added to them. It is all about turning your weaknesses into strengths. Start by adding value to your life today.
YOUR LEGACY As a result of Florence’s research, death rate statistics dropped in the hospitals. Even to this present day, hospitals are still using her findings. Long after she is gone, everyone continues to benefit from her research. Imagine if Florence gave up her dreams and did what her parents wished her to. Her name would not have been mentioned today and she would have gone to the grave with such unused potential. Think about it. Don’t let anyone hinder you from fulfilling your God given potential. When God gives you a gift, it is an opportunity to bless humanity. Written by Flashy Wings Ministry
Discovering the Queen in You
WRITTEN MONICA TADA
YOU ARE WHAT YOU
ONLY AT MY CONVENIENCE!
lothing and personality go along together. I believe that what a person looks on the outside resembles how he or she looks on the inside. Upon observation, much speculation about a person based on what he, she wears, or how he or she dresses is likely. Just like emotions, one can look at a person’s clothing and somewhat foreshadow what that person will be like. Clothing, if read properly, can uncover a wide range of things-- inner thoughts, habits, values, personal memories and personality traits. For example, by simply observing a specific article of clothing, such as a t-shirt, I am able to gain a vivid picture of the person who wears it. An associate once said that her creative aura shines through herself through odd ways. She wears what she wants when she wants to, whether it matches or not. Her taste in clothing matches her personality; it is an eclectic mix of brightly colored vintage pieces and clothing in subdued shades from Old Navy. She is the kind of person who can make dull moments in a situation filled with laughter and joy. Clothing reflects personality, because people usually wear what they like and what makes them feel good about themselves. In this day and age it is very hard to keep up with each generation’s trend be it on how I carry myself through my clothes or how I represent myself through my personality. Each person or group has his or her own style. The styles reflect their way of life. If one plays sports, he or she tends to be more casual in their choice of clothes. If one socializes with a snobbish crowd, he or she tends to be meticulous in choosing clothing. People have their own preference in attire based on their personality.
LIFESTYLE INFLUENCES ON CLOTHING NEEDS The need for clothing is one of life’s bare necessities. How we choose to wear it, defines the kind of person we are or even our status in society. As people develop, the requirements in clothing change in order to meet physical and psychological needs of the specific age group. These requirements of the age group must also take into account the properties and design of the textiles as well as cost, construction and durability. Clothing is needed for many reasons, but the three main reasons are, for protection against the elements, concealing our body for modesty purposes and lastly as a means of identification and social attraction. Human standards of decency changes along with the fashion and are likely to vary from culture to culture. This is due to the social practices, religion and traditions of the particular culture. The standards of clothing we wear can also page 12
Discovering the Queen in You
SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS; AND ALL THESE THINGS SHALL BE ADDED UNTO YOU. MATTHEW 6:33 (KJV) change depending on a or time of day. Clothing that would be ac- c e p t a b l e ceptable in a completely differsociety today is engrossed with not always pleased with the natuown body and so use clothing as altering the way we look and fashwe do that.
situation, location in one situation may not be acent situation. Our body image and is ral state of their a means of ion is how
The way we dress is an expression of who we are and an insight into our lifestyle and is sometimes represented in the fashions we follow. Fashion is a style of clothing in which society believe is attractive and may change from one season to the next, whether the fashion be practical to why we wear clothing or not. Fashions change because our culture is always moving around and shifting. People are constantly changing physically and mentally and feel the desire for new things and just as we feel the need for new fashions, our individual tastes and requirements change with our age. As people grow they go through a cycle which is broken up into different life period. As a person goes through these different cycles, there are requirements to be satisfied in order to meet physical and psychological needs. For instance, the needs of a child would be dramatically different to that of an adolescent. Children’s clothing needs to be durable, expressive and colourful, strong easy to wash, is usually cheaper, comfortable and easy to get in and out of, whereas adolescents clothing needs to be similar to that of their friends various colours, texture designs and is usually is a little more expensive. This is also necessary with infants, young adults, and middle-aged adults and elderly. Infants clothing generally needs to be non-irritating, cool in summer, warm in winter, comfortable, safe and simplistic. Young adults need to have versatile clothing that is easy to look after and styled to the individual and middle-aged adults usually do not need to be fashionable, just well-styled with durable fiber and are likely to withstand a lot of wear. Lastly, clothing for the elderly should be cost effective, of good design easy to care for, easy to get in and out of and most importantly comfortable. In conclusion, clothing says a lot about us, our age, our personality, our status in society and the way we follow fashion trends.
-WHEN IS GOD IMPORTANT? -WHERE DO WE PLACE HIM? -IS HE FIRST, SECOND OR THIRD. IN OTHER WORDS, DOES HE RECEIVE YOUR GOLD, SILVER OR BRONZE MEDAL? Are you forever rushing around trying to get to work on time? Hurrying to cook, spending time with the children before putting them to bed. Finishing off that assignment, meeting deadlines for work, and revising for exams. In spite of all the above, where does God fit in? Do you squeeze Him in that small slot, just before you go to bed or when your day is over, or a few minutes in the morning before you start your hectic day? Or is it when everything comes tumbling down? You REMEMBER GOD!!! Ironically, he is the only one who can fix all your problems. ‘Cast your cares on him.’ (1 Peter 5:7) Yet do we? Mary and Martha had a similar issue. Martha was upset, her sister Mary sat at Jesus’ feet to hear and learn about the Kingdom of heaven while Martha busied herself in the kitchen serving. Jesus’ response to Martha’s complaint was that Mary chose the better part ( Luke 10:42) Should you be more like Mary, hungry for the word of God? Let’s put God first. Instead of scurrying to beat those deadlines, meet with God, trust him to bring you through with ease. ‘In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.’ (Proverbs 3: 6) ...he is a ‘rewarder’ of those who diligently seek him! (Hebrews 11:6) It is guaranteed by honouring God with your time, he will expedite those burdensome tasks with ease. God should no longer be a God only at your convenience, but a God of importance, certainty and essential. Do not limit God, put him first. You will never fail.
Written by Phadera Flash
THE IRONY OF
eligion makes me feel good about myself Because I go to a place of worship at certain times of the week Because I give alms to the poor or do a good deed every now and then Religion tells me if I keep the commandments, there is the reward of a better future and there may be some blessings in the present. Religion makes me do things that may harm others. As long as they disagree with my beliefs, they are not worthy to live. They deserve death. Unless they change their ways and accept mine. The irony of religion is that it can never give what it promises Because man by nature, power, wisdom and knowledge, Cannot please God Jesus Christ is not religious; he seeks a relationship with you. He wants you to come just as you are In your strengths or weaknesses, beauty or not, rich or poor, male or female Jesus loves you. He died in your place to pay the penalty for your sins So that you can share His place as a child of God If only you will believe and accept Him as your Lord and Saviour.
God loves us so much that He gave His only son Jesus Christ, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. [John 3:16] Written by Harvest Outreach Ministries Web: www.harvestoutreachministries.co.uk
Discovering the Queen in You
HEALTH & BEAUTY
Unusual bleeding in stools, urine, phlegm or vomit should not be ignored - the appearance of blood in any of the aforementioned could point to a serious health issue, most notably cancer of the colon, bladder, stomach or lungs. Though it may be caused by a minor health problem, it is essential that you see a doctor to rule out the possibility of anything major.
SUDDEN SEVERE HEADACHES
If you experience a sudden and unusually severe headache there may be cause for concern - blood vessel inflammation, brain tumours and aneurysms are all signalled by such pain and if accompanied by a fever, stiff neck and rash, these headaches could point to meningitis so it is important to seek medical help as soon as possible. Always seek advice too if you have recently suffered a head trauma - a severe headache may be a sign of bleeding in the brain.
YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOURS!!!
you should never ignore
Discovering the Queen in You
The above are all signs of a stroke and the faster a victim is seen by doctors the better chance they have of a full recovery so it is absolutely essential to seek help immediately. Though the symptoms of a stroke may vary it is important to remember that they often come on very suddenly - double vision, a tingling sensation or numbness on one side of the face or body and slurred speech are all signs that a person is having a stroke.
UNEXPLAINED WEIGHT LOSS
If you or someone you know has lost a significant amount of weight over a short period of time (for instance a five per cent weight loss over the course of a month) without explanation seek your GP’s advice. It could point to an overactive thyroid or depression but may equally be a sign that your body is battling cancer.
God has blessed you with children, attached to the blessing are conditions for you to follow. You have the choice to be led by the ‘Mighty Book (Bible)’ or do it your way.
I often hear parents say, ‘Parenting is difficult; we are not given an instruction manual. We have to learn from our parents or by the example of others.’ That is a fallacy. The Bible tells us to ask for wisdom and understanding. James 1:5 Or Proverbs 3:6.....in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Train the child in the way they should go......Proverbs 22:6
We cannot expect them to respect their elders when we don’t, and have not told them to or shown them how to. We cannot expect them to be patient, kind and have self-control when those qualities are absent from our character. We tell our children to trust no one, then expect them to trust God, whom they have never seen. Proverb 3:5 The biggest thing is teaching your child to say ‘NO!’ Frequently individuals find themselves in unpleasant circumstances caused by the inability to say NO. We too have to say NO and mean it. If your child wanders to a life of drink, drugs, crime or sexual promiscuity, hand them back to their Heavenly Father. You are not a bad parent; you too are in need of support and guidance. Pray for wisdom and cast your cares upon him. 1 Peter 5:7 The prodigal son demonstrates: if a child strays, they will return. Their testimony will be used to bring the lost back into the fold. God’s ways are not our ways. Whatever the circumstances, God can turn it around for good so that lost child will be a blessing. Written by Phadera Flashy
If you find a lump or bump under the skin that you had not noticed before, don’t ignore it. Though the majority turn out to be harmless problems such as cysts, it is always worth checking with your doctor as it could be cancerous even if it is not painful. Women are advised to check their breasts regularly and men to check their testicles.
PERSISTENT PAIN IN THE LEGS
Cramp in the legs after exercise or during sleep is relatively common and nothing to worry about. But if you experience a persistent and often severe pain in your leg it could signal a blood clot. Swelling, redness and heat in the leg are also a sign as is a blue or white colouring of the skin. Although it may turn out to be nothing serious, it’s always worth seeing your doctor if you are at all concerned. Better safe than sorry! Written by Caroline Cassidy
7 Seven symptoms
DOUBLE VISION, SUDDEN NUMBNESS AND SLURRED SPEECH
You have one chance at being a parent to a particular child. If you adopt the wrong principles with that child, there will be devastating consequences and the child will suffer.
We are accountable for our children. It is our parental responsibility to teach and guide our children. We cannot expect them to tidy their room because they are 16 years old, when they have not been taught how to tidy.
Shortness of breath is to be expected after exercise but if you have difficulty breathing whilst at rest, a number of issues could be the cause. Asthma and panic attacks or anxiety usually display such symptoms but it may also signal a heart attack or a blood clot in the lungs. For that reason it is advisable to speak to your doctor.
We have to learn from our parents or by the example of others.’... It is our parental responsibility to teach and guide our children.
Discovering the Queen in You
ndoubtedly, I was the most reluctant tourist walking the streets of ancient Pompeii that day. In spite of my usual enthusiasm for archaeological sites, I did not want to visit Pompeii, one of the most famous sites in the world. Somehow, I felt it would be gruesome. The thought of all those people dying such a horrible death, killed by molten lava, made me cringe. Yet here I was, along with other tourists, taking in the vast expanse of this once great city. It really looked spectacular – columns, arches, courtyards, all out of antiquity yet still majestic in the bright sunshine.
My reluctance to come here was overcome because friends had insisted that Pompeii was a must, not to be missed. My mother and I spent our holiday in Sorrento, the first of many such enjoyable Italian holidays. Our excursion to Pompeii proved to be a highlight and an incentive for other archaeological outings. The following year we went to Herculaneum. This archaeological site is much smaller than Pompeii yet with buildings considerably more intact. It too had been suddenly destroyed by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 A.D. My mother snapped photograph after photograph as we marveled at this ancient city so wonderfully preserved. Even the fountain of Hercules, the city’s namesake, still looks user friendly. Entire streets appear almost untouched by time. It was a picture perfect day: sparkling blue sky and the bright golden sunshine that brings so much good cheer. Our tour guide was telling us details of everyday life. He was showing us the bakery, explaining how loaves of bread had been preserved as charcoal, encased in the molten lava. That’s when a terrible melancholy swept over me. The people who had walked these streets were as real and or-
dinary as us. Men kissed their wives goodbye as they went off to work. But then it happened. Molten lava came down upon them, brutally killing everybody. I could not shake off the feeling of this morbid tragedy. People just like us had gone about their daily business until, in one moment in time, they died a hideous death. How could anyone imagine what that day would hold? It might have started as a beautiful, calm day just like this. How could anyone know that they would suddenly be faced with annihilation? Soon our group was walking up a street where the guide pointed out one house. ‘Christians lived here,’ he said. ‘We know they were Christians because to be a Christian was a crime punishable by death in the Roman Empire. Yet they had carved a cross on their wall.’ As he said this, I felt the warmth of the Italian sunshine like a comforting balm. Eternity had not taken everybody unaware that day. Here my brothers and sisters in the Lord had entered into His presence. The passing millennia have not diminished their joy – they are with Him, more alive than ever.
PEARLS THIS EXPERIENCE SERVES AS A REMINDER TO ALL OF US. EVEN IN OUR EVERYDAY LIVES, WE NEED TO BE AWARE THAT WE COULD UNEXPECTEDLY FACE OUR ETERNAL DESTINY. THAT IS WHY HAVING A SECURE RELATION WITH JESUS AS LORD IS SO IMPORTANT NOW. WHEN WE STAND BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, THE LORD JESUS WILL ACKNOWLEDGE THOSE OF US WHO HAVE PEACE WITH HIM.
Written by Susan Steiner
THE GREEDY & THE SELFLESS
hike and Chiamaka were silent when Tobenna told his older brother and sister that he did not want any share of his father’s estate following their father’s demise a month before. Their father Chief Eke died and left his three offsprings a huge estate as his wife had also passed on seven years before. In his last words, he said to the children that he trusted them to split the estate amongst themselves fairly. Tobenna was the last of his children. During the family meeting held to share the inheritance, there was a big argument as to who the largest share would go to. The older children, Chike and Chiamaka decided that was the splitting formula to be according to age. It meant that 50 percent went to Chike who was the eldest child, 35 percent went to the second child, Chiamaka and 15 percent would be Tobenna’s. This brought about a big argument between Chike and Chiamaka. Chike and Chiamaka were both very greedy and selfish. Tobenna finally spoke up. He said he would give his up his own share of the inheritance to Chiamaka so that peace will reign. They were all surprised! Tobenna said the only thing he wanted of his late father’s inheritance was his bible. ‘Well, then, the bible you shall get’ chorused Chike and Chiamaka. He received the bible, smiled and bid them farewell although the future looked very bleak at that time. One day he took the bible that was given to him and saw a ribbon hanging through a page. He opened it and the first thing that caught his eye was Psalm 92:12-15. From that day onward he chose serve God. The words he read from that bible passage gave him strength and courage for he believed he would flourish someday. Tobenna graduated from school and went on to work. He committed his spare time to supporting young homeless people who within his community. He became a renowned motivational speaker. Tobenna prospered and earned 100 times the portion of the inheritance that he had given up.
ARE YOU DISTRESSED THAT TOMORROW IS BLEAK AND DOES NOT HOLD OUT MUCH FOR YOU? BE ENCOURAGED BECAUSE TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO. TRY TO LOOK BEYOND YOUR PRESENCE CIRCUMSTANCE. EVERYONE DOES HAVE AN INNER STRENGTH AND POTENTIAL TO OPEN GREAT DOORS. REMEMBER THAT WORRYING DIMINISHES YOUR SENSE OF POWER AND HEIGHTENS YOUR VULNERABILITY. LEARN TO LEAN ON GOD; HE HAS A WONDERFUL PLAN FOR A GOOD FUTURE FOR YOU.
THE WICKED STEPMOTHER
will never forget the day when I went to live with my stepmother; she was very conniving and wicked. She had two children aged 15 and 16, I was 11 when I went to live with her. Anything her children wanted, they would have whether designer shoes, clothes, games or game consoles. I didn’t get any pocket money or new clothes. All the clothes I wore were hand-me-down clothes from my stepbrother. Children would often poke fun at me because my clothes were always ill fitting and shoes were twice my own size. I would often hear my stepmother grumbling to herself ‘Why should I waste money on this child which is not my own?’ This hurt me because I never knew that it was like to experience a mother’s love. My own mother died when I was two, I vaguely remember her face, touch and cuddles. As the years went by, my step-siblings went completely off the rails. Nineteen year old Jasmine was very promiscuous and underwent two abortions. Twenty year old Len became a drug addict. Both could not continue with their education, and eventually became homeless because of their reckless lifestyles. I was the only child left at home aged 15. I saw my stepmother crying for the first time one afternoon when I came home from school. I said ‘Mum, why are you crying?’ She immediately grabbed and cuddled me (she had never done this before!). She said, ‘My son,I have been a very wicked stepmother to you. I have shown you no love, all the love that I had I showered on my children. I have spoilt them rotten, giving them everything that they ever wanted and look how they have turned out. I rejected you, shown you nothing but coldness of heart. Son, can you ever forgive me?’ I said, ‘Of course, Mum, all I ever wanted was for you to love me. I forgive you.’
TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED. NEVER BE WICKED, SPITEFUL OR MEAN BECAUSE THE PERSON YOU ARE BEING MEAN TO MAY TURN OUT TO BE THE PERSON YOU RELY ON FOR LOVE, CARE OR COMFORT. PSALM 118 V 22: THE STONE WHICH THE BUILDERS REFUSED IS BECOME THE HEAD STONE OF THE CORNER. Written by Angela Osigbesan
Written by Maryann Ene Nnwakwo page 16
Discovering the Queen in You
Discovering the Queen in You
WRITTEN BY QUEEN EKUERHARE
ARE YOU GETTING DESPERATE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? DESPERATION IS A SERIOUS ISSUE THAT NEEDS TO BE TACKLED AMONG SINGLE LADIES. I AM QUITE AWARE THAT WHEN SOME LADIES GET TO A CERTAIN AGE THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED, SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE CHILDREN. MANY FACTORS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, THE BIOLOGICAL CLOCK, FAMILY AND CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS, PRESSURE AND PANIC TO GET MARRIED, ETC. BUT THE REALITY IS THAT MARRYING OUT OF DESPERATION IS NOT THE SOLUTION. LADIES WHO HAVE DONE SO HAVE REGRETTED MAKING SUCH A BIG AND HUGE MISTAKE. THEY WISHED THEY REMAINED SINGLE. BECOMING DESPERATE WHIST IN A RELATIONSHIP CAN MAKE WOMEN VERY VULNERABLE. THIS CAN MAKE MEN TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, MEN GENERALLY DO NOT LIKE BEEN AROUND DESPERATE LADIES. THEY END UP RUNNING AWAY. ‘DECISION TAKEN OUT OF DESPERATION COULD LEAD TO DEPRESSION”.
Discovering the Queen in You
BECOMING INPATIENT: ‘Patience is a virtue’. When ladies are getting desperate, they run out of this quality. Some ladies get into a relationship; then, after two weeks, they start putting pressure on the man to marry them. Men usually want to take their time. They have to feel that inner conviction, a sense of peace and solace with a woman before they consider getting married. So if all they get from the lady is nagging, and complaints about commitment and marriage that could put them off totally. That’s because men find such matters pressurising if they are not ready. Advice: When a lady gets into a relationship, she should try and figure out the man’s motives and plans for the relationship. She can know by what he says and does. Some men are just not ready and willing to marry. If the lady notices that is the case, she should get out and find someone of like-mind, in order not to waste her time. However it is not right for a lady to rush a man into marriage. Let the feelings be mutual.
TRYING TOO HARD TO PLEASE THE MAN: Most women want to please their man. But in the case of ladies that are desperate, it can be severely extreme. They are willing to give up their joy, peace, happiness, etc. to make the man happy. Usually in such a relationship, the feelings are not reciprocated. The woman may be the one to make all the efforts. More often than not, men in such relationships take the women for granted. It might be due to the fact that ‘the hunter has become the hunted.’ Maybe it’s because they are not given the opportunity to do the chasing. That is, these women make themselves too available and common. As a result, the men are not appreciative of them. Some women who try so hard to please men in a relationship can also be good pretenders they ‘put their best foot forward’. They become ‘too good to be true’. They are trying to trap the man into marriage before they show him their true colour. Advice: Relationships should be give and take there is no point becoming a footstool to a man just to marry him. It is good for a lady to be herself. Becoming false and fake will not help. If the man eventually marries her, they might encounter serious problems in the marriage. When someone is trying too hard for something, it always results in frustration.
PLAN ON MARRYING HIM EVEN WHEN SHE KNOWS THAT ALL IS NOT WELL: Anxious women are ready to play the sacrificial lamb to be slain. Even when they know and can see that everything is wrong with the man, they are still willing to marry him. All that goes through their head is marriage, marriage, and marriage. This is to such an extent, that they ignore other important factors to be considered. These ladies turn blind eyes to the man’s bad attitude and even when they are given wise advice by loved ones. It ends in arguments and quarrels, believing that they don’t wish her to be married, most women that ended up marrying this way, confess later in life that they saw all the signs from the very beginning. They chose to disregard it. Nevertheless, some women believe that after the marriage the man might become responsible or they will be able to change him. Nonsense!
Advice: The worst mistake anyone
can make is to marry the wrong person. Ladies should learn that marriage is not the end of world. If the right man hasn’t come, please be willing to wait. Don’t just get into marriage as result of availability. It is unwise to see fire and want to go through it, thinking you won’t get burned. The truth is that you will get burned beyond recognition, and you might not even come out of it alive.
MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM:
Unfortunately, some ladies are very much aware and agree that the man has got a very bad attitude or he is irresponsible. But because they are so desperate, they are willing to get on with him. If anyone complains or is concerned about the man’s attitude or irresponsibility, the lady covers up and makes excuses for him. Deep down in her heart, she might be embarrassed and unhappy. But she would never admit to anyone that he is wrong. Such ladies also have a way of fantasising the guy as an ideal man in their head, but in reality he is far from that.
Advice: ’The moment you settle for less, you get less than you deserve.’
WILLING TO RELEASE EVERYTHING SHE’S GOT EVEN WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT PROMISING:
Some ladies have emptied their savings to invest in a boy friend’s business, some took our loans in their names to help him out of his difficulties. Some rented and furnished an apartment to make him comfortable. Others are willing to pay his school fees or bills. When some men discover that a woman has money, they might start tricking her by saying, ‘if only i can afford this, I will get married.’ So the lady starts giving up everything to hasten the marriage process. These moves are usually acts of desperation. The danger is that, after doing so much, the lady might be investing in another woman’s husband. It is foolishness to plant flowers in another woman’s garden. Men that do such things to ladies are just taking advantage of them.
Advice: A woman should learn to
fall in love with wisdom and common sense, so that if a man is deceiving her she will know. Love is not stupidity. If a lady is not married to a man, she does not owe him anything. Ladies should be more interested in men that are hardworking and taking responsibility of their own life than one who is depending on a woman to achieve something.
BECOME FOOLISH TO HIM:
Women, who are desperate in a relationship, usually lose their identity. They drop all their sense of purpose; they are willing to give up everything just to be married. They start living the man’s will, and even accept unwise decisions by the man. They do everything the man wants; they allow themselves to become .zombies. Such women subject themselves to unnecessary control.
Advice: No human being should play
the role of a fool for another. Foolishness does not have any reward; rather it makes one more useless. Getting married is a beautiful thing, but if gets to the point where a lady has to reduce and devalue herself for the sake of marriage, that is unfortunate.
Some ladies have the natural ability to fake things. But in the case of women who are anxious, they learn how to fake happiness because they are truly not happy. They know that it is lack of common sense to deliberately get into a marriage unhappily. So in order to cover-up, they want to convince everyone that they are happy. The people close to them will be able to detect that they are pretending.
Advice: Most women that fake
happiness are just interested in the wedding ceremony. They just want to know what it feels like to be a bride. The danger of getting into marriage with fake feelings is that you can never be happy. Marriage is real and tough; partaking in it with fake feelings is a disaster.
ASSUMING THE ROLE OF A WIFE:
This is very common with women who are desperate. They automatically start assuming the role of a wife, even when the man has not proposed to them. They cook, wash, clean, iron, sweep, pay bills, etc for the guy. The list is endless; some even refer to him as ‘my husband’ and call his relatives in-laws. Some will start cohabitating with him. Such ladies play every role of a wife with little or no commitment. Somehow, they feel if they show or prove qualities of a good wife, the man will be impressed. But most times, such a mentality creates the reverse effect.
Advice: Yes, I do believe that a man
wants to see a quality of a wife, before ‘he takes her home to mama’. But all the same, ladies should be able to differentiate between relationship, courtship and marriage. The roles are
different. Some ladies end up playing the role of wife when they are not. If the men eventually dumps them, they end up emotionally broken and languishing over everything they did for him. It is good for a lady to know her stand, role and position in a relationship and maintain it. But don’t overdo or under do things, balance should be the watchword.
WILLING TO PUT THE MAN BEFORE GOD:
This goes for Christian ladies, some ladies have ended up marrying the wrong men because they refuse to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit. Some desperate Christian ladies are willing to disobey God’s word solely to get married. Some even breakaway from the church especially, if the pastor is advising them on the biblical basis of marriage and they are not listening. Although, most of these women know what the Bible says, marriage has become such an issue that they are ready to defile the laws of God.
Advice: Marrying outside God’s will
can be a hindrance to the master plan of God’s purpose for one’s life. Most women who do that have to go through the mill. Disobeying God comes with consequences in as much as He is the God of grace. ‘Obedience is affordable, disobedience is expensive’ (quote by Queen Ekuerhare).
IGNORING THE ADVICE OF LOVED ONES:
Ladies who are desperate, despite wise advice, remain very concerned with getting married, even when everyone can see that they digging their own grave. Some ladies will tell everyone to mind their own business; they are willing to take their chances. Everyone can see that the man has nothing to offer expect them. Usually when someone is playing a game, they might not be aware of a lot of things. But spectators often make good judgement because they can see things from different angles.
Advice: When mature and experi-
enced married people give advice, it is not because they don’t want the person to get married. But marriage is like a coconut, one has to break it to know whether it is good or not. No one can ever understand what it means to be married unless they partake in it. When people are advising or giving wise suggestions, it is good for the lady to have an open mind. Some ladies have saved themselves a lot of problems by listening and acting on wise counsel.
Discovering the Queen in You
FLASHY WINGS MINISTRY DISCOVERING THE QUEEN IN YOU
Flashy Wings is a non-denominational Christian ministry celebrating the lives of women. It is our vision and mission to reach out to women from all walks of life, whether married or single. The aim of the ministry is to bring about transformation and to celebrate the beauty of womanhood.
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MEETING VENUE: St Giles parish hall, 81 Camberwell church street, London SE5 8RB. Email: info@Flashywingsministry.co.uk Telephone: +44 7506 519 594 Website: www.flashywingsministry.co.uk All Rights Reserved c 2012
Discover the Queen in You
Discovering the Queen in You