Page 1

Modern Senator HELPING YOU BE A BETTER MEMBER

A DAMN JOAN PRODUCTION

BIE AND BEY!

Debbie Stabenow and Beyoncé rock the Capitol

Even Socialists Want a Six-Pack!

R YOUST BE TIVE LA S I G LE BODY ! R E V E

It’s Our NEW YEAR, NEW YOU Issue!

TED CRUZ REVEALS A SECRET STRUGGLE

Read how children are helping him

EXCLUSIVE!

L A I C E P S L A D N A SC he YESes and NOs of No-Nos

T lleagues o C r e rm o F to ll e w A Fond Fare EXCLUSIVE! AL FRANKEN TALKS ABOUT HOW TO LISTEN TO WOMEN He has so much to say

And...an Instant SELF-ESTEEM BOOST!

(Just look inside the back page!)


If you’ve got yuge secrets, you need...

YUGE SHREDDER

$599.95 be sure to shred your receipt *special deals available for caucuses and secret cabals!

For people with yuge secrets!

MAKE YOUR BIG

PROBLEMS INTO

TINY

ONES

Modern Senator TABLE OF CONTENTS

MakeOver

4 Our editorial board explains why it’s time to start fresh.

NewYearNewYou

7 The five resolutions you need to make right now. 8 REDUCE YOUR ROTUNDA 10 TAKE YOUR STYLE FROM A TIE TO A WIN 11 FIND A CURE FOR NIGHT TWEETS 12 GET THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE

BestBody

21 Our somewhat earnest yet deeply felt thoughts about the coming year.

ScandalSpecial

22 All you need to know about when no means no.

FrankenSense

23 In an exclusive excerpt, Senator Franken explains why he says we must listen to women.

13 VISIT FOREIGN LANDS

LOLLOL

14 The pages that make you smile:

LastYear

24 Dancing in the rain! Pepper spray in the air! We look back at Inauguration Day 2017.

ADMIN OFFICIALS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US SENATE SPOTLIGHT: CELEBUTANTE DEBBIE STABENOW TED CRUZ’S BRAVE JOURNEY

TheChamberPot

25 Anonymous but informed sources share what’s really happening on the Hill.

FUN WITH IUDS

TIP!

Dispose of your shredded documents carefully. Recent advances in forensic science mean Special Investigators have even more unlimited powers. Yuge Inc. suggests you distribute your shreds in multiple refuse receptacles across the city or even in another state.

JeffFlake

18 The sexy senator talks about trumping Trump and what’s next on his survival list.

AdviceConsent

25 Solving the problems of senators since senators started having problems.

BeingBigly

26 The most tremendous way to start the year. “As Seen in the White House”

MODERN SENATOR 03


BE THE BEST SENATOR EVER Dear Sirs and Madams, Welcome back! Thankfully, 2017—with all of its scandals, scurrilous gossip, and sad goodbyes—is behind us. We here at Modern Senator are looking forward to 2018, and we hope you are too. Of course, there’s a lot of work to be done. By you. For the American people. And for the rest of the world. Right now the Senate is arguably the government body most able to steer this country. You reflect our politically divided nation with your makeup—51 Republicans, 47 Democrats, and 2 Independents. If you can work things out, think of what an example you would set! Furthermore, the Senate is an important check on an increasingly brazen and erratic executive power and a Supreme Court that’s become more invested in a deathwatch than in resolving disputes. Stop screwing around. Use your investigative and oversight powers wisely and listen to your constituents and your conscience. That’s all we ask. There’s no need to send ICE after Dreamers, repeal the ACA, or cut education and food stamp programs, to name just a few things you wasted time and taxpayer dollars on in 2017. If you skip all of that, you’ll have so much more time for yourself—and that’s where we come in. This special New Year, New You issue is chock-full of tips on beating bloat, avoiding sexually harassing people, and advice on office decor. There’s also a profile of Jeff Flake—he’s so hot right now—and a scandal special that might be your last chance to see some familiar faces.

Best, The editors of Modern Senator

MODERN SENATOR is a completely legitimate publication created by:

damnjoan.com press@damnjoan.com


! t I r o f y d a e R t Ge

! U O Y W E 2 N 0 e , k 18 a R M o A t d E e e Y uN o Y W s n E o N soluti e The Fiv

Re

SPEC SECTI IAL ON

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE... welcome to 2018 and your personal legislative agenda! It’s a new year, and everything you need to win this floor vote is right here. We’ve got five resolutions—pass them and you can sponsor a bill called a whole new you. If you get these resolutions adopted, you’ll be so in demand it won’t matter which party is in power. The package includes inspiration for whittling your middle (your waist, not the class), up-to-the-minute fashion tips for looking like 1.5 trillion bucks, ideas for making your office look so great you’ll have a truly safe seat, and recommendations for hot vacation spots.

Plus! Strategies for coping with an erratic boss (hmm, who could that be?), and a special expanded LOL section to help you smile at the public no matter what’s happening inside. Let’s go, members of the 115th United States Congress−2018 is the year of YOU.

Image Ratio

WE’RE HERE TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD At Image Ratio, we know how important diversity is to you, and we’re here to make the process of diversity as stress-free as possible. Just pick up the phone and our friendly staff will make sure that you get the look you want, with just the right mix.

THE TEMPORARY TALENT AGENCY

WE’RE HERE TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD At Image Ratio, we know how important diversity is to you, and we’re here to make the process of diversity as stress-free as possible. Just pick up the phone, and our friendly staff will make sure that you get the look you want, with just the right mix.

MODERN SENATOR 7


RESOLUTION

CAPITOL HILL FITSPO TIPS

A body in motion will help get your motions in motion. Look no further than your esteemed colleagues for fun ways to trim your “budget.”

.

Cory Booker Books It With the Coast Guard

Jerry Moran Mega Parkour Master

John Thune Cardio in the Corn

Ben Sasse and John McCain The Gym Rat and the Maverick

Kirsten Gillibrand Classing It Up

Lisa Murkowski Fish Lifting

The senator from New Jersey makes his workout count by getting in a patriotic photo op along with his cardio.

Workout style should be your style. Sasse goes with a traditional jock look, while McCain rocks a business “legisleisure” ensemble, even using his suitcase as a weight!

Planking on the Mall is nothing—check out Moran leaping over a Senate subway line and leaving outof-shape reporters in his wake.

Taking an exercise class can be intimidating. The senator from New York takes the pressure down a notch by attending children’s classes. Maybe “pumping it up in pumps” is right for you?

Have You Heard About the Amazing Trick That Will Help You Shed 230 lbs of Ugly Fat Fast?

Some say hunting’s not a sport, but if you work as hard as Thune to keep guns in the hands of all Americans, you’ll definitely feel the burn.

Stop complaining that you can’t get to the gym. The best place to exercise is wherever you are, as the senator from Alaska demonstrates. Burn off that salmon before you even eat it!

Hint: Rhymes with “Chin Screech”

1

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU

BEAT YOUR WINTER BREAK BLOAT

MODERN SENATOR 9


2 RESOLUTION

e h t f o r e b m e Be a M Fashion Party

MITCH McCONNELL

ORRIN HATCH

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU

Office Politics

3 RESOLUTION

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU

LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR NIGHTMARE BOSS

TIE

WHO WORE IT BEST?

Is your commander in chief giving you grief? Check out these tips for curbing executive power.

Our totally nonpartisan opinion

Do They Share a Stylist? Congressional couple cosplay! We heart this GOP love match, complete with stripes, ties, and collars. KATHARINE KELLEY

DEAL WITH

JOSEPH MANCHIN

KAMALA HARRIS

JOHN McCAIN

WHEN HE GIVES YOU A NICKNAME

Celebrate! It means he’s noticed you, according to leadership expert Wade Gibbons. “Dubbing you ‘lyin’,’ ‘crooked,’ or ‘wacky’ is your manager’s way of giving feedback, so lean into it,” says Gibbons. “Try giving him one. He’ll love it.”

WHEN HE GOES OFF ON SOCIAL MEDIA WIN

Be grateful your boss is a man of the people—few underlings have such direct access to their superior’s brain. You’re especially lucky if he tweets late at night—it will keep you on your toes. “Don’t steal the spotlight by replying,” Gibbons advises. “Slide into his DMs.”

WIN

NER

NER

To (Tooth)! Tothe theHounds Hounds(tooth!)

Katharine Kelley, superintendent of Arlington National Cemetery, modernized the classic pattern with sharp piping, miles ahead of Harris’ pearls.

Not So Mellow Yellow We love a man who’ll go sunny-side up, sartorially! Joseph Manchin edges out John McCain with a 0.0001% lighter blue shirt. Little things count!

BLAZER TIME

TREND REPORT

Senatoresses, it’s time to get “hot” under the “collar”

Ladies, dressing as a powerful woman means you have more choices than ever this spring. It’s all about the collar! Pick the one that’s right for you, and don’t forget to go crazy with color−C-SPAN really picks it up.

WHEN HIS ATTENTION WANDERS

Don’t call him a moron! Perhaps he merely needs another Diet Coke. If your top dog is a newshound, work with his interests. Call a friend in the media and work out a way to get your message on air. Now you’re part of his feed and you’re in control. Nice one.

WHEN HE LOVES TO SAY “YOU’RE FIRED”

High office turnover is a sign of a dynamic workplace, according to Gibbons. Back up your files every night, invest in a shredder, and be nice to the Secret Service.

WHEN HE THREATENS TO START A WAR

If your boss is in a power struggle with another executive, tensions can run high. “Defuse the situation with gratitude,” says Gibbons. “Thank him for his no-BS approach to foreign policy, and then hand him the remote control.” Brush up on your Korean. SHAWL

ROUND

NOTCH

Good for: Soft moments, like maternal health hearings.

Good for: Fashion events, like an Emily’s List benefit.

Good for: Floor fights and nitpicking the rules of order.

PUSSY BOW Good for: When you’re feeling really feminine.

MODERN SENATOR 11


4 RESOLUTION

e s u o H n a e l C

DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR Set the Stage for Achieving Your Dreams

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU

GOLDEN DREAMS

Have you got the Midas touch? Then you probably have Midas dreams—maybe they’re even oval-shaped! There’s likely no use telling you to hold back, but it’s best to keep the gilding to 20% or less, especially when cutting food stamp programs.

POST-EDWARDIAN ASPIRATIONS

Ever since you had that British roommate at Yale you’ve longed to be landed gentry. It doesn’t mean you don’t love America! A chandelier and a velvet settee will tell lobbyists that you appreciate luxury. Just don’t go full Downton Abbey—you know what happened to Aaron Schock. And no butlers. We call them interns now.

THE SIMPLE LIFE

Your homespun vibe has gotten you this far and you don’t want to let Washington change you. Broken chairs, a butter churn, and bare floors remind everyone of your humble beginnings, even if you’re giving yourself tax breaks on the floor. Jettison the bed ASAP—granny’s quilt is nice, but it really sends the wrong essage-may about arassment-hay.

12 MODERN SENATOR

Pepe John’s Pizza, where the customer is always right.


KEEP UP WITH INTERNATIONAL ISSUES 4 PLACES TO VISIT BEFORE THEY’RE DECIMATED BY CLIMATE CHANGE*

RESOLUTION

Use your August recess—sorry, State Work Period—to visit these four locales that put the hot in hot spot.

*Even if you don’t believe in climate change

1

5

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU

3 2

4

1. THE SWISS ALPS

These historic peaks are fast becoming the place to go if you don’t like to ski. With glaciers melting and snow in short supply, the area is a prime destination for families who love mudfights.

2. THE MALDIVES

This island nation is so hard-hit by rising sea levels that it’s actually building islands in an attempt to survive. You know what that means—it’s hungry for tourist dollars and it’s a real bargain.

3. CHINA

Better make this trip soon. There are only 13 feet left between Shanghai and submersion, due to non-climate change. Luckily the skyscrapers are well above sea level.

4. FRENCH WINE COUNTRY

Due to “global warming,” some wine is actually better now, because the fruit can ripen earlier. Call your travel agent today.

HOW TO TALK TO FOREIGNERS UNBELIEVABLY, NOT EVERYONE ABROAD LOVES AMERICA AS MUCH AS YOU DO. HERE’S HOW TO ENGAGE WITH LOCALS DURING YOUR TRAVELS.

1. Explain that you don’t speak their language, even if they’re speaking English. 2. Remind them that America is a superpower because we are super. It’s not our fault that they aren’t. 3. Encourage them to visit and see the U.S. for themselves (unless their country is on the travel ban list). 4. Avoid wearing cultural or ceremonial clothing. Trust us on this one. 5. Bring gifts. Who wouldn’t want a MAGA baseball cap?


LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! Administration Officials, They’re Just Like Us!

They Do Jazz Hands! They Take Selfies!

Sometimes They Have to Ask Indigenous Women to Be Quiet!

Sometimes They’re Just Stoked!

Why Can’t Ted Cruz Fist-Bump? Ted Cruz has endured many tragedies. Losing the primary to Donald Trump. Being the Zodiac Killer. Being born in Canada. But now we can exclusively reveal his biggest challenge yet: learning to fistbump. Yes, something that even Barack Obama can do. These photos show, for the first time, Cruz’s journey. “Getting to the point where I was using two fists was a milestone,” Cruz recalls. “Then Marco Rubio became a real mentor.” Cruz is now working on fist bumps with young children, hoping one day to walk proudly among us, fist to fist. “I’m thinking about thumb wrestling next!” he says.

Debbie Stabenow: Our Secret Celebrity

RIAL O T A SEN TLIGHT SPO

Hollywood has rubbed elbows with the Hill many times in the past. (Sometimes more than elbows!) But no one hangs out with more A-listers than the senator from Michigan. How does she do it?

AMBER TAMBLYN

JEFF BRIDGES

BRADLEY COOPER

ID THE IUD

Funny thing—even though Congress is obsessed with denying access to birth control, many lawmakers can’t even pick an IUD out of a lineup. Can you?

CAN YOU SPOT IT?

THE EDGE

A

16 MODERN SENATOR

BEYONCÉ

B

C

D

A: FISHHOOK; B: COPPER WIRE IUD; C: CORKSCREW; D: BASIC ANATOMY

CHERYL HINES

MODERN SENATOR 15


SPICER & SCARAMUCCI PUBLIC RELATIONS “Trusted by the best, tested by the rest”

Spicer & Scaramucci is a full-service public relations firm. Whether it’s the size of your crowds, confirmation of the stability of your genius, leaks, backstabbers, fake news, the liberal media, treason, CNN, NBC, MSNBC, Jake, Glenn, Steve, Michael, or even Rupert, we will change the narrative in your favor. Special services: Late-night phone calls, press conferences, “colorful language,” anatomy, My Little Pony, hair and makeup, photo analysis, landscaping, intentional framing, poison gas, and full transparency. THE MOST BEST CREDIBLE MEN IN WASHINGTON

1- 800 - 911- trust


” ! h g u o n “E IVE S U L C EX L.... A E V E R

JEFF FLAKE: HE GOT RIPPED, HE STOOD UP TO TRUMP, AND NOW HE’S HEADED TO 2020

Trump who? Jeff Flake on life and love after his high-profile Trump dump. If senators made vision boards, most of them would probably feature Jeff Flake. The junior senator from Arizona, who announced in October that he would not be seeking reelection, has gained public accolades for rebuking President Trump on immigration, tax reform, supporting Roy Moore, and a “flagrant disregard for truth or decency,” making him a hero to Trump haters, perhaps the most important voting block in the country right now.

It wasn’t always this way. Three months into his term in 2013, Flake dethroned Mitch McConnell as the least popular senator, due in part to his vote against background checks for gun ownership. He shrugged off the bad polls, joking about being “less popular than pond scum.” “That’s typical Jeff,” said a friend. “He always brings it back to nature.” Boy, does he. Flake is outdoorsy to say the least. He spent a week on a Pacific Island on his own in 2009, with just the bare minimum to survive: “No food, just mask, fins, and a pole spear to obtain it. No water, only a manual

desalination pump to create fresh water. No matches, only a magnifying glass. And a hammock, knife, hatchet, sunscreen, cooking pot, and salt and pepper.” He returned to the islands in 2013 with his sons, deepening his tan and his reputation as a rugged leader who can last for days without an iPad or a cell phone.

ays “He’s the senator I’ve alw wanted to be.” — anonymous senator


“He alwa ys

brings it nature.” back to — a friend

In 2014 Flake combined his love of politics and his passion for the Pacific when he and Democratic Senator Martin Heinrich spent a week together on a remote Micronesian island. The photo-friendly trip boosted both their profiles and brought Flake back from the bottom of the polls.

um “The guy has literally sw ably with the sharks. He’s prob n killed a shark. No one ca compete with that.” —a political expert

But with Trump’s election, Flake seemed to realize there are even bigger fish in the sea. His 2017 book Conscience of a Conservative harshly critiqued President Trump and the MODERN SENATOR 20 22

direction the GOP was headed. In response, the president referred to Flake as “toxic” in a tweet, cementing Flake’s status as a renegade outsider. Trump has also called Flake “ineffective,” “weak,” and dubbed him “Flake(y),” although it's unclear if he meant the senator has dandruff or if he was thinking about croissants.

HE REALLY DOES WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY! Wouldn’t you?

We try not to take ourselves too seriously here at Modern Senator. But we do take you seriously. That’s you, all one hundred of you who make up the United States Senate. This is your chance to be completely new, and god knows we need you to be. Here, 10 ways to do it.

This has not gone unnoticed. “Trump never tweets about me,” one young pol said to us, cradling his head in his hands. “It’s like I don’t even exist.” In a town full of borderline personalities, anyone who stakes out a position seems like a hero, and Flake has clearly decided where he stands—in Arizona, with his family, as he prepares for a potential 2020 presidential bid. Of course, Flake denies this. He wants to spend time with his family, he says. (See sidebar.) And he is a voracious reader and writer, contributing to the Washington Post and Politico. Some say he has a future on-screen, perhaps hosting a recurring reality show where Americans can vote their representatives onto an island instead of off one. No matter what happens, you can be sure that Jeff Flake will be there.

GETTING THE BEST LEGISLATIVE BODY EVER 1

Flake’s wife, Cheryl, and their five children—Tanner, Alexis, Austin, Ryan, and Dallin—are at the center of his universe. “It’s amazing to see them together,” says an insider. “Their family motto is ‘Assume the best, always look for the good,’ and they really live it.”

TONE DOWN THE DISCOURSE We love to swear, but calling a colleague “unattractive” is not attractive. Assume there is a hot mic at all times and discover the concept of “inside thoughts.”

2

BEEF UP YOUR ETHICS The Ethics Committee has not pursued a sexual misconduct case in 25 years. A child born back then has probably been sexually harassed multiple times by now.

3

SHAPE UP ON IMMIGRATION Even Fox News polls say that most Americans don’t want the wall. We recommend the Pink Floyd record instead.

6

CUT OUT THE SNEAKY PROVISIONS Adding a little line to a bill about farm subsidies so your lobbyist buddy can get a break? We see you.

7

STRENGTHEN BIPARTISANSHIP When the Senate is equally divided, it’s actually an opportunity to be united. Work things out and spare us all the nail-biter votes.

8

LOSE THE PRESS PERFORMANCES This isn’t a reality show. It’s the United States Senate. Whether you’re on the floor, on the steps, or on TV, just be yourself. Talking, not talking points.

4

DROP THE HEALTH CARE DRAMA Step one: Reduce pharmaceutical costs. It’s a move that benefits patients across the economic spectrum, and everyone hates pharmaceutical companies.

9

BURN THE CONFIRMATION PROCESS This actually matters. The president is supposed to nominate people. You are supposed to initiate a confirmation process. It shouldn’t take 293 days.

5

DOUBLE YOUR COMMITMENT TO HUMAN RIGHTS Accept the right of all people to live and thrive. Protect them. That’s your most important job.

10

LISTEN TO WOMEN Listen to women. Listen to all of us, because we are not all alike. Listen, and get out of our way. MODERN SENATOR 21 23


T HOT HO

SCANDAL SPECIAL

Do I have to wear pants? All the time?

Q

Is it acceptable to bring a bill to the floor without letting others read it?

Q

Do I deserve compensation when my misogynist comment becomes a feminist slogan?

Q

Does the Senate have any gender-neutral bathrooms?

Q

Should it have some?

Q

Can I introduce a bill funding longevity research that will help no one except Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

Q

Is it OK to make my favorite “sucker” joke on Seersucker Thursday?

Q

SALLY YATES January 31, 2017

AL FRANKEN BOOK

THE YESES AND NOS OF NO-NOS

Q

Q

A tribute to friends who’ve left our government family

T HOT! O H T O HOT H

Worried you might cross a line or step on a snowflake? No worries—use this handy checklist to guide you through some common sticky situations.

Q

SCANDAL SPECIAL

THOSE WE’VE LOST

Can I demand that other senators stop putting fish in the microwave? Are all Russian spies as good-looking as the ones on The Americans?

22 MODERN SENATOR

MIKE FLYNN February 13, 2017

Sally Yates

JAMES COMEY May 9, 2017

YES

NO

SEAN SPICER

IVE S U L C EX L.*.. A E V E R

July 21, 2017

REINCE PRIEBUS

Mike Flynn

July 28, 2017

All Women Deserve to Be Heard by Me By Soon-to-Be-Former Senator Al Franken When I announced my resignation in December, I said, “All women deserve to be heard.” Since then, I’ve had many, many conversations about why we need to listen to women. My message, intended only to inspire, has instead launched a movement. So many times, when I’m talking about listening to women, my companion will look me in the eye and say, “I’m going to listen to women too. #MeToo, Al. #MeToo.” It can be such a rush—I realize that they are inspiring me.

ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI July 31, 2017

STEVE BANNON August 18, 2017

SEBASTIAN GORKA August 25, 2017

TOM PRICE September 29, 2017

Reince Priebus

TRENT FRANKS

Sometimes, the people I’m speaking to remember the conversations very differently. That’s simply not true. I know who I really am, and I am proud to be a champion of listening to women.

December 7, 2017

It’s been hard work, talking about listening to women. But when I get tired or discouraged or frustrated, I think about the people I am doing this for and it gets me back up on my feet.

OMAROSA MANIGAULT

I’ll never yield this floor.

January 2, 2017

*From the senator's forthcoming book

JOHN CONYERS December 5, 2017

December 13, 2017

AL FRANKEN James Comey


Remember When?

Here’s all the hot gossip circulating on the Hill— shared anonymously, of course.

FLASHBACK TO THE INAUGURATION

A certain Southern senator is driving his staff crazy making up raps that rhyme “constituents” with “flatulence”... Word from the coast is that Dancing with the Stars is being inundated with calls from disgraced politicians attempting to rehab their image (some of them should just go to rehab)... Whose chief of staff has been sneaking porn into her boss’s pocket instead of a copy of the Bill of Rights? She says it’ll all be worth it to see his face when he pulls it out on C-SPAN... The Chamber Pot knows all, sees all—if you’re the person we saw meeting with Mueller in the parking lot last night, we’ve got it on camera and we’re willing to talk.

January 20, 2017. It’s hard to believe it was just a year ago. Here’s a look back at the most heartwarming moments of that special day. Maybe you can spot yourself in the crowds!

Advice and Consent Where Senators Can Go for Answers

Dear A&C,

Lately I’ve been having a lot of strange feelings. Really strange feelings. I hang out with members of the opposition. Sometimes I sponsor legislation with them and it’s not just for publicity. I still love my party…but I think I might be bi. You know, bipartisan. No one in my family has ever been bipartisan, and I’ve only read about it on the Internet. How can I come out to my colleagues without losing them forever?

g With Hanginlleagues! Your Co

Signed,

LOOKING LONGINGLY ACROSS THE AISLE

ng The Yopule! Peo

Spot Can Yoruself ? You

Dear Looking,

First, let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. Lots of people have these feelings. And not just on the Internet! Some of your fellow members in this very chamber are bipartisan. Look at John McCain and Elizabeth Warren. Sure, he’s old and she’s a Communist, but they both voted to kill the GOP health care bill! They’re practically lovebirds.

John McCain & Elizabeth Warren

I suggest you step into your bipartisanality. Try asking someone from the other party out for a coffee at Cups. If you’re shy, ask an aide to set you up. (They won’t blink an eye—your staff has probably known all along.) And don’t worry about your party. If they really love you, they’ll accept you. And if they don’t, you can always run as an Independent. That’s even wilder than being bi!

ds!

w The Cro

PoliceHinats! Special

Love always,

ADVICE AND CONSENT MODERN SENATOR 25


YOUR FIRST WIN OF THE YEAR Need to get pumped before you introduce a bill? Nervous about an upcoming committee meeting? Worried about an investigation? No matter what’s getting to you, here’s an instant way to be the bigger person—just put your hand on top of this little guy and smile.

Damn Joan is the proud sponsor and publisher of Modern Senator. We make things for (and with!) people who believe they can change the world and have fun doing it. Every month, we deliver visually driven journalism, personal stories, social explorations, political manifestos, and style statements from insiders, outsiders, and everyone in between. COVER: abs and flag: Shutterstock; Bernie face: Scott Olson / Getty Images; Beyonce and Debbie: Courtesy Debbie

of @stabenow/Twitter. The Edge and Stabenow: @stabenow/Twitter.Page 15: Ted Cruz with fist in foreground: courtesy of

Stabenow/Twitter; Ted Cruz: Gage Skidmore (CC-By-SA), Al Franken: PACIFIC PRESS / Alamy Stock Photo. Page 1:

the Immoral Minority; Ted Cruz slamming his fists: Gage Skidmore (CC-BY-SA); Ted Cruz and a child: Robert Daemmrich/

man with tie: iStock. Page 2: shredder: Brad Wynnyk/Alamy Stock Photo. Page 5: football player: Dmytro Aksonov/iStock;

Getty Images; Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images; fishhook: Kondor83/iStock; IUD: Lalocracio/

plastic bottle: Alamy. Page 6: office workers: iStock. Page 7: illustration: Whitney Eidman. Page 8: Cory Booker: CWO

iStock; wine corkscrew: Tarzhanova/iStock; line drawing of a uterus: Ksokolowska/Shutterstock. Page 16: Sean Spicer:

Donnie Brzuska; Jerry Moran: Andrew Harnick/Associated Press; Ben Sasse and John McCain: courtesy of @BenSasse/

Chip Somodevilla /Getty Images and Scaramucci: Gotham / Contributor Getty ImagesPage 18: Jeff Flake: Win McNamee/

Twitter; Kirsten Gillibrand: courtesy of @SenGillibrand/Twitter. Page 9: John Thune: Adam Grimm; Lisa Murkowski:

Getty Images.Page 19: Jeff Flake Face:@JeffFlake/Twitter Jeff Flake fishing: courtesy of Jeff Flake; Flake and pig: Tom

courtesy of Alaska Fish Radio. Page 10: Orrin Hatch: dpa picture alliance/Alamy Stock Photo; Mitch McConnell: dpa

Williams/Getty Images. Page 20: Flake family: Matt York/Getty Images; Flake Family Farm: courtesy Jeff Flake/Facebook

picture alliance/Alamy Stock Photo; Katharine Kelley: U.S. Senate/Alamy Stock Photo; Kamala Harris: U.S. Senate/Alamy

Flake Family Beach: courtesy Jeff Flake/Facebook. Page 23: Al Franken: Pacific Press / Alamy Stock Photo; senators sitting

Stock Photo; Joe Manchin: U.S. Congress (Public Domain); John McCain: U.S. Congress(Public Domain).Page 12: gold

in the rain: Richard Ellis / Alamy Stock Photo; Sally Yates: U.S. Congress (Public Domain); Mike Flynn: U.S. government

room: courtesy of Architecture Inc Blog; red room: @bterris/Twitter; country office: OceanFlynn (CC-BY-SA). Page 13:

(Public Domain); Reince Priebus: Gage Skidmore (CC-BY-SA); James Comey: U.S. government (Public Domain). Page 24:

Swiss Alps: Rosendahl (Public Domain); Maldives: Mac Qin (CC-BY-ND); Shanghai: Ernell (Public Domain); French wine

senators in sitting in the rain: Richard Ellis/Alamy Stock Photo; inauguration protesters: Miki Joven/Alamy Stock Photo;

country: Christian Ferrer (CC-BY-SA). Page 14: Kellyanne Conway: Mark Wilson/Getty Images; Jeff Sessions: Wilfredo

empty bleachers: dpa picture alliance/Alamy Stock Photo; policeman: Bastiaan Slabbers/Alamy Stock Photo; inauguration

Lee/Associated Press; Zinke: Cassandra Begay; Nikki Haley: Jon-Michael Sullivan/ZUMA; Bradley Cooper and Debbie

crowd: 58th Presidential Inaugural Committee (Public Domain). Page 26: John McCain and Elizabeth Warren: MediaPunch

Stabenow: Paul Morigi/Getty; Amber Tamblyn and Stabenow: Brendan Hoffman/Contributor; Jeff Bridges and Stabenow:

Inc/Alamy Stock Photo. Page 28: Hand: Shutterstock. Page 27: ice cream: Moncherie/iStock. Page 28: beer glass: OJO

Tom Williams/Getty Images; Cheryl Hines and Stabenow: Tom Williams/Getty Images; Beyoncé and Stabenow: courtesy

Images Ltd/Alamy Stock Photo.

26 MODERN SENATOR

Join our tribe.

WWW.DAMNJOAN.COM @DAMNJOAN @DAMNJOAN


Modern Senator by Damn Joan  

Welcome to Modern Senator, the magazine dedicated to helping lawmakers be their best selves.

Modern Senator by Damn Joan  

Welcome to Modern Senator, the magazine dedicated to helping lawmakers be their best selves.

Advertisement