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Friday, April 1, 2011 Vol. 2 | No. 14 | ©2011

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ON THE REBOUND /FXFTU6UFUSBOTGFS%BWJFT

this issue

INSIDE

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Runnin’ Ute home games moved to East High gymnasium to reduce electric costs » 12 !"#$ %& '()*!#"'& » 8

On the WEB http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furby http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beefalo www.theinternet.com


2

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In the Year of Our Lord, Twenty-Leven

Mustachioed Wynn honored for work J

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Young’s case of Jimmerickets escalates IgjhinBX<gjĐ 8ddeZg8ddeZghidc 9V^anJc^kZghZ8dckZgih Jm_jj[h _i Wbb j^[ hW][ j^[i[ ZWoi# WdZ _jÉi ]ej Wbb j^[a_ZiXkpp_dÉ%7ced]j^[i[Æa_ZiÇ_iKFh[i_Z[dj C_Y^W[bÆAedl_ajÇOekd]#m^eh[Y[djboWZc_jj[Z#_d m^Wj^[j^ek]^jmekbZX[WdWdedocekijm[[jjeWbb i_ne\^_i\ebbem[hi#j^Wj^[jee^WiYWk]^jWXWZYWi[ e\@_cc[h\[l[h%Oekd]jm[[j[ZÆEC=#_idj@_cc[h `kijj^[Zh[Wc_[ij=e][jjkc#a_ZZe2 Ç J^[ 8eWhZ e\ Jhkij[[i YWbb[Z Oekd] _d \eh Wd _cfhecfjk Z_iY_fb_dWho ^[Wh_d] W\j[h Z_iYel[h_d] j^[ jm[[j% J^[ Jhkij[[i Wbie fh[i[dj[Z [l_Z[dY[ e\ Oekd]hWff_d]Wbed]jej^[ied]ÆJ[WY^C[>emje @_cc[hÇm^_b[Wjj[cfj_d]jei^eejl_h]_d@[bb$Ei^eji% 7dWdedocekij_fh[fehj[Zj^WjOekd]mWiifejj[Z Wj)W%c%_dWIjWj[Ijh[[jWZkbjcW]Wp_d[ijeh[#Xko_d] [l[hoYefoe\j^[C^]`ba9ZZcab`ObSRYel[he\@_cc[h <h[Z[jj[% ;nf[di[h[fehji\hecj^[fh[i_Z[djÉie\ÒY[i^em[Z h[Y[_fji\hecckbj_fb[jh_fiZemdjeFheleWdZcoi$ j[h_ekikdcWha[ZY^Wh][i\hecj^[CWhh_ejj9[dj[h% <khj^[h _dl[ij_]Wj_ed b[Z je j^[ Z_iYel[ho e\ f^ed[ h[YehZi WdZ iec[ Yecfhec_i_d] j[nji \hec Oekd]% Ed[j[nji[dj\hecOekd]ÉidkcX[hjeWdkd_Z[dj_$ Ò[Zj^_hZfWhjoedCWhY^((W\j[h<h[Z[jj[ÉiCekdjW_d M[ij 9ed\[h[dY[ h[YehZ$Xh[Wa_d] ,) fe_dji W]W_dij

MKY TWEETS MKY Michael K. Young

What do #Jimmer an #Jesus have in common? They both start with a #J and they bring good to the world 21 March

MKY Michael K. Young

@JimmerTFredette Can you teach me how to Jimmer? Please!? 29 February

MKY Michael K. Young

OMG, isnt #Jimmer just the dreamiest!!! Go gettum, kiddo! ;) 14 February

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In the Year of Our Lord, Twenty-Leven

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Friday, April 1, 2011

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In the Year of Our Lord, Twenty-Leven www.dailyutahchronicle.com

UNDEAD, JILTED ATHLETES

‘R U Packing’ parade Trustees: to be a resounding hit ‘Pay up or

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See ZOMBIES Page 6

RICHARD QUAKTUS/The Daily Utah Chronicle

Duke Brockmann, former human and competitor in the 2002 Salt Lake Olympic Games, rose up from the mass grave discovered Thursday, thoroughly terrifying a construction worker. All 162 bodies discovered were Olympians who allegedly committed suicide after only winning bronze medals.

Yes it can: Ficus Tree settles in as newest ASUU president FjZci^cBVgVX]^cd E]didhnci]Zh^hHjeedgiZg  Kfed \khj^[h [nWc_dWj_ed e\ [b[Yj_ed h[ikbji# DVS 4OWZg EbOV3V`]\WQZS^WiZ_iYel[h[Z<_YkiJh[[_ij^[WYjkWbm_dd[h e\j^[7IKK[b[Yj_ed%?jmWiZ_iYel[h[ZW\j[hDVS3V`]\WQZS ikXc_jj[Z W =H7C7 h[gk[ij je j^[ 7iieY_Wj[Z IjkZ[dji e\ j^[Kd_l[hi_joe\KjW^\ehj^[\kbb[b[Yj_edh[ikbji%Eh_]_dWbbo# j^[ jme b[]_j_cWj[ fWhj_[i h[Y[_l[Z W YecX_d[Z dkcX[h e\ +#,''lej[i#Xkjj^[\kbbjWbboh[l[WbiWdWZZ_j_edWb/#'''lej[i m[h[YWij\eh<_Yki% 7d_dj[hdWb_dl[ij_]Wj_ed_iYkhh[djbokdZ[hmWojeÒdZm^e YedZkYj[Zj^[Yel[h$kf#WdedocekiiekhY[ij[bbkij^Wj[b[Y$ j_edh[]_ijhWhCWh_8heWZ^[WZ^WiÓ[Zj^[Yekdjho% 7IKK^WiijWj[Zj_c[WdZj_c[W]W_dj^hek]^ekjj^[[b[Y$ NATHANIEL HANSIAN/The Daily Utah Chronicle j_ed#Wmh_j[$_dYWdZ_ZWj[Åb[jWbed[Wjh[[ÅYWddejm_dj^[ XeZoikhfWii[i][d[hWb[b[Yj_edhkb[iWdZckijX[Wffe_dj[Z [b[Yj_ed de cWjj[h ^em cWdo lej[i _j h[Y[_l[i% >em[l[h# Wim_dd[h%Ç kfed\khj^[h_dl[ij_]Wj_edXo<_YkiYWcfW_]dcWdW][hJob[h 7 fh_lWj[ c[[j_d] mWi ^[bZ X[jm[[d Job[h 8[jj_boed# K 8[jj_boed#Wj[Y^d_YWb_jo^WiX[[dh[l[Wb[Z% Fh[i_Z[djC_Y^W[bOekd]WdZj^[<_YkiJh[[% 7YYehZ_d]jeWdkdmh_jj[d#XkjkdWc[dZ[Zhkb[_dWd(/0) Oekd]YedÒhc[Z#j^hek]^kd_l[hi_joWhY^_l[i#j^Wjj^[ l[hi_ede\j^[H[ZXeea#Æ7doYWdZ_ZWj[\ehijkZ[djXeZoj^Wj ]W_dij^[cW`ehWffhelWbe\Wjb[Wijed[gkWhj[he\j^[ijkZ[dj See BENJAMINA Page 8

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See GUN AWARENESS Page 6

See TRUSTEES Page 6

SUNSHINE BLACKBEAR/The Daily Utah Chronicle

The official parade route will go from the bottom of President’s Circle on 1300 east uphill towards the Union, turning right to the halfway point at the library plaza. Hardy said, skylights on the library plaza will be outfitted with skeet launchers, providing a merry half way point for the marchers. At that point, the parade will commandeer the Hyper highway from the construction crew to reach the end point, the Legacy Bridge over Mario Cappechi Drive. [d]_d[[h_d] iW_Z# Æ:_Z oek i[[ j^[ fWhWZ[Wjj_h[6E\Yekhi[?Éc]e_d]je X[j^[h[#?^Wl[dÉjX[[dj^_ifioY^[Z i_dY[8bWYaEfiYWc[ekj%Ç >WhZo iW_Z j^[ YecXWj fWdji WdZ l[iji#jWYj_YWb]e]]b[i#ÓWi^XWd]iWdZ ij[[bje[ZXeejim[h[Whekj_d[iW\[jo fh[YWkj_ed%ÆJ^_i_iWb_l[Òh[fWhWZ[# iem[ÉbbZeWbbWi_id[Y[iiWhojecW_d$

RAPTORS A T T H E U

Humans, raptors discover new bond: limbs BVg^dNdh]^gdc^ LVaaVWn6iiVX`Hjgk^kdg Ed[^kdZh[Zi_njoc_bb_edo[Whii_dY[ Z_deiWkhiheWc[Z#[Whj^iY_[dj_iji^Wl[ \ekdZWmehj^ofkhfei[\ehj^[_hXed[i# X[i_Z[iWbbem_d]j^[cjeYebb[YjZkij_d cki[kci% J^[ Kd_l[hi_jo >eif_jWb fheij^[j_Y Z[fWhjc[dj ^Wi _cfb[c[dj[Z _ji h[$ i[WhY^ je Ybed[ Z_deiWkh Xed[i WdZ _i dem \_jj_d] fWj_[dji m_j^ j^[ Xed[i _d$ ij[WZe\fheij^[j_Yi#iW_ZiY_[dj_ijFebbo <_daWh_da% Edbo\ekhf[efb[^Wl[lebkdj[[h[ZWi ]k_d[Wf_]i\ehj^[ikh][ho_dj^_ihWZ_$ YWbd[mfheY[Zkh[#Xkj^Wl[i[[d[\\[Y$ j_l[h[ikbjij^ki\Wh% Æ7\j[h bei_d] co Whc \hec W mWbbWXo WjjWYa#?j^ek]^jcob_\[mekbZX[el[h#Ç iW_Z :eob[ 8ki^cWd# W `kd_eh _d X_e$ Y^[c_ijho% Æ8kj# W\j[h kdZ[h]e_d] j^[ j^h[[$ZWo ikh][ho WdZ h[Xk_bZ_d] co ckiYb[i#?[nf[Yjcod[mZ_deiWkhb_cX je X[ ijhed] WdZ [\\[Yj_l[ \eh ^kdZh[Zi

I expect my new dinosaur limb to be strong and effective for hundreds of Doyle Bushman years. Raptor limb recipient

e\o[Whi%Ç FWb[edjebe]_ijiX[b_[l[j^WjZ_deiWkhi b_l[Z \eh .,$*'' o[Whi ieb[bo ed j^[_h Xed[ijhkYjkh[% Æ?j mWi j^h_bb_d] je meha m_j^ j^[ KÉi fheij^[j_Y iY_[dj_iji m^[d h[fb_YWj_d] W Z_deiWkhXed[#ÇiW_ZCWh`eh_[Bed]d[Ya# WdkdZ[Y_Z[Z\h[i^cWd%ÆJei[[fh[^_i$ jeh_Yh[cW_di_dj[hjm_d[Zm_j^Yedj[c$ fehWhoiY_[dY[WcWp[ic[#Xkj?bel[je i[[_jc[dZl_Yj_cim_j^beijb_cXi%Ç :_deiWkh Xed[i Wh[ ademd \eh j^[_h ijh[d]j^#^ebbem_di_Z[iWdZb_]^jcWii# m^_Y^el[hWbbm_bb[d^WdY[^kcWdiÉWj^$ b[j_Y_ic% Æ?cc[Z_Wj[bo W\j[h ^[Wh_d] WXekj j^[ X[d[\_jie\j^[WdY_[djYh[Wjkh[iÉXed[i

YecfWh[Zje\Wa[^kcWdb_cXi#?mWied XeWhZ m_j^ j^[ [nf[h_c[dj#Ç 8ki^cWd iW_Z% J^[cW`eh_joe\Z_deiWkhi#ikY^Wij^[ jh_Y[hWjefi WdZ johWddeiWkhki h[n# Wh[ ckY^bWh][hj^Wdj^[Wl[hW][^kcWd#ie iY_[dj_iji WdZ fWb[edjebe]_iji X[b_[l[Z _j mWi W ]eeZ _Z[W je ki[ Xed[i \hec W icWbb[h#ceh[^kcWd$b_a[Z_deiWkhÅj^[ hWfjeh% Æ7bj^ek]^Wl_Y_ekib_jjb[Yh[Wjkh[#^_i ijkXXo Whci WdZ gk_Ya# [bed]Wj[Z b[]i m[h[Wf[h\[YjcWjY^jej^[WdWjecoe\ W^kcWdÉib_cXi#ÇBed]d[YaiW_Z% J^[ fheY[Zkh[i je h[fheZkY[ j^[i[ Xed[i^Wl[jWa[dWffhen_cWj[boWo[Wh% ÆM[b_a[jemehagk_YabojeYedijhkYj b_\[$Y^Wd]_d] Z[l_Y[i#Ç <_daWh_da iW_Z% ÆD[nj# m[ m_bb Wjj[cfj je ki[ j^[ Z_de$ iWkhXhW_dje[d^WdY[j^[_dj[bb_][dY[e\ j^[ ^kcWd hWY[# m^_Y^ _i Ykhh[djbo ik\$ \[h_d]\hecWijWhjb_d][f_Z[c_Ye\m^Wj TANER PASHAMEMENTOLOGLUINDENPADERDOOM/The Daily Utah Chronicle ?YWbbÈ@[hi[oi^eh[_j_i%ÉÇ pfj_`\hlXcjXn\jfd\7 U scientist peers over the bloody stump of a lab raptor, adopted from Utah shelters. Z_ife`Zc\%lkX_%\[l


6

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In the Year of Our Lord, Twenty-Leven

Human test subjects: ‘it’s not that bad’ HlZcB^``Za]dg[ >`ZV9Zh^\cZg

C[]Wd<hWdiediW_Z#WbWXWii_ijWdj\eh j^[ d[m [nf[h_c[dji% ÆM[ YedZkYj W Z_\\[h[dj [nf[h_c[dj [l[ho ZWo# WdZ J^[KÉih[i[WhY^Z[fWhjc[dj_ie\$ m_j^iecWdom_bb_d]j[ijikX`[Yji#ekh \[h_d]WmWo\ehijkZ[djijefWo\ehj^[ h[i[WhY^m_bbX[Zed[_ddej_c[%Ç [l[h$_dYh[Wi_d]Yeijie\Yebb[][%?dj^[ J^[ fhe`[Yj mWi j^[ XhW_d Y^_bZ e\ h[Y[dj Yedjhel[hio ikhhekdZ_d] j^[ J^ecWiD%FWhai#l_Y[fh[i_Z[dje\h[$ KÉiWd_cWbh[i[WhY^feb_Yo#j^[K^Wi i[WhY^%Æ?jÉiWmWoje][jh_Ze\j^[^[Wj WddekdY[Z_jm_bbfhecfjbofkjWd[dZ \hec Wbb j^[ F;J7 Yedjhel[hio WdZ je[nf[h_c[dj_d]edWd_cWbi#[\\[Yj_l[ ijWhjm_j^\h[i^c[Wj%Ç _cc[Z_Wj[bo%?dij[WZ#h[i[WhY^[him_bb J^[ c_b[$bed] b_d[ e\ ijkZ[dji [d$ ][jW^ebZe\Wd[dj_h[boZ_\\[h[dja_dZ j[h[Z j^[ Xki ed[ Wj W j_c[# WdZ ikX$ e\j[ijikX`[YjÅYebb[][ijkZ[dji% `[Yji^eXXb[Zekje\j^[Xki_dWZWp[% Æ?jÉi ie i_cfb[Åm[ m[h[ \eebi dej Æ? dehcWbbo mekbZdÉj i_]d kf \eh je^Wl[j^ek]^je\_jX[\eh[#ÇiW_ZX_eb$ iec[j^_d]b_a[j^_i#XkjcobeWd_ikf e]o fhe\[iieh :Wd_[b F_d[i% Æ? c[Wd# WdZ?W_dÉj]e_d]XWYa^ec[m_j^ekjW m[Éh[ cWa_d] j^[i[ fheZkYji \eh ^k$ Z[]h[[#Ç iW_Z 7dZh[m 8Wa[h# W `kd_eh cWdiWdomWo%Ç _d Xki_d[ii# m^e mWi d[nj _d b_d[ \eh 7i _dY[dj_l[ je lebkdj[[h# j^[ K _i j^[Xki% e\\[h_d] jk_j_ed mW_l[hi \eh Wd [dj_h[ B_dZi[oHk\\Wbe#W\h[i^cWd_d;d]$ i[c[ij[h% Lebkdj[[hi ^Wl[ de Yedjheb b_i^#ijkcXb[Zekje\j^[XkiW\j[h^[h TRUSTY MCGRATH/The Daily Utah Chronicle el[h m^Wj jof[ e\ j[iji j^[o m_bb kd$ [nf[h_c[dj% 7 \h[i^bo ij_jY^[Z iYWh Z[h]e WdZ Wh[ WZl_i[Z je Xh_d] j^[_h Y_hYb[Zj^[jefe\^[h^[WZ%Æ?jmWidÉj Sally Sutherland, a junior in computer scientology, got her tuition waived for donating her face to emdfW_dh[b_[\% ieXWZW\j[hj^[o_di[hj[Zj^[[b[Yjh_Y the Save a Life Foundation, run by the local cosmetology school. 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7

Friday, April 1, 2011

Rebecca Black takes over Kerfuffle 8jgaZnC^Zahldgi] 9ViZa^cZC78 ?dWikhfh_i[WddekdY[c[djcWZ[ o[ij[hZWoXoj^[7iieY_Wj[ZIjkZ[dji e\ j^[ Kd_l[hi_jo e\ KjW^# fbWdi \eh j^[ fefkbWh WddkWb ifh_d] YedY[hj Ă&#x2020;J^[ =hWdZ A[h\k\\b[Ă&#x2021; m[h[ ZhWij_$ YWbbo Y^Wd][Z \ebbem_d] j^[ _bbd[ii e\Xeea[Z^[WZb_d[hC_a[Feid[hje X[ h[fbWY[Z Xo kfYec_d] ?dj[hd[j ikf[hijWhH[X[YYW8bWYa% 8bWYa h[Y[djbo h[Y[_l[Z _dijWdj dejeh_[jo W\j[h ^[h ^_j Z[Xkj i_d]b[ Ă&#x2020;<h_ZWoĂ&#x2021; mWi h[b[Wi[Z j^hek]^ j^[ 7ha Cki_Y <WYjeho h[YehZ bWX[bĂ&#x2030;i OekJkX[ fW][% 9khh[djbo XeWij_d] ceh[j^Wd-,c_bb_edl_[mie\_jiYeh$ h[ifedZ_d]l_Z[e#j^[ied]Yb_cX[Z

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Child star is an inspiration to all with lyrics of unparalleled wisdom

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!"#$%&&'()(*+(,-. ARIES: You will be complimented profusely in the coming days. Believe nothing. TAURUS: Your ringtone says a lot about what kind of person you are. And itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not good.

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GEMINI: You will find yourself wealthy, loved, and happy beyond expectations shortly before waking up.

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CANCER: The planets will be scattered this week, making it hard to remember the day that follows Friday. LEO: Figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll never get another chance ever again. VIRGO: Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry about being polite this week. The stars are so aligned in your favor that they will not notice. LIBRA: You will be struck with a swift, sudden bolt of inspiration today, only to forget it the next moment. PHOTO COURTESY LITTLEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S PARENTS

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SCORPIO: The only problem with being an entrepreneur is that it requires pants. SAGITTARIUS: Slashing tires is not out of the question when it comes to anyone that might get in the way of your getaway plan. CAPRICORN: You will find meaning in the smallest things this week. Snap out of it. AQUARIUS: You will find the love of your life this week, only to realize that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a goat. PISCES: You will come into a lot of money this week. And then lose it to a leprechaun.


8

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In the Year of Our Lord, Twenty-Leven

GOD-GIVEN RIGHT continued from Page 6

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2

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In the Year of Our Lord, Twenty-Leven

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MKY TWEETS MKY Michael K. Young

What do #Jimmer an #Jesus have in common? They both start with a #J and they bring good to the world 21 March

MKY Michael K. Young

@JimmerTFredette Can you teach me how to Jimmer? Please!? 29 February

MKY Michael K. Young

OMG, isnt #Jimmer just the dreamiest!!! Go gettum, kiddo! ;) 14 February

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2011-04-01  

!"#$ %&amp; '()*!#"'&amp; 8 On the WEB http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furby http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beefalo gymnasium to reduce electric...

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