Daily Cal - Friday, September 17, 2010

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Friday, September 17, 2010

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’m not a sex maniac. I’m not used to getting a lot of sex, or even a lot of interest at all really. So, when I was choosing where in the world to go on exchange and to what university, I certainly didn’t base any of my decisions on the likelihood of my achieving coitus in said location. Well, not entirely. The thing is, Berkeley, that according to various myths stirred up by word of mouth and confirmed as fact by such documentaries as “Love Actually� and any other film that features Hugh Grant, British people get a lot of sex in America. Believe it or not, Americans, you love our cute bespoke accents, your senses tingle when positively charmed by our slightly naughty manners, you are reduced to a giggly, wobbly-kneed state by even a glimpse of our bad teeth and inclinations toward colonial domination and haggis (often simultaneously). You may not know it now, you may vehemently deny it, but eventually it will dawn on you that you find the British irresistible. Now imagine how inviting this prospect must have been to a nowhere-near-good-looking British male (my face normally looks as unsettling and odd as most people’s do when viewed upside down) whose advances on British lady-people have been reciprocated by such raunchy encouragements as “Fuck off � and “Ha!� That is, when not laughed off in the assumption that I’m being sarcastic. Imagine the joy I would experience when my classically idiotic chat-up lines, such as “What was your name again?� are received as if they were charming and romantic. So, the week before term started and in anticipation of mass girlyaction, I leeringly asked a French girl if she thought my accent was sexy (As research to determine on what scale I should bulk-buy condoms): “Eet iz verry cold,� she said, in her scorching hot, oniony voice, “too cold.� When, thoroughly put off by this reply, I asked if this meant I probably had a cold heart and was awful in bed, she just laughed forcedly in a way that emphatically said “oui.� Even so, although I was slowly realizing I probably wouldn’t need to worry about the cost of the reconstructive surgery I would need after thousands of girls spontaneously sat on my face for a year, it was hard not to expect just a little bit of female attention if not just for my novelty value. I had stories worked out for use on sorority girls of questionable world knowledge to capitalize on my national identity. Such tales include the “fact� that I am Hugh Grant’s rebellious younger brother, the son of the Queen (who is in fact a Corgi) and play xylophone for the Sex Pistols. ou can imagine my disappointment in discovering that Berkeley girls are in fact intelligent and rational people who aren’t ready to jump in to bed with me because I sound posh, and won’t believe that Tony Blair is the new 007 and I’m his

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Max Johnson sidekick. It has been tough having that flame of hope extinguished not by the overwhelming moistness of female attentions but by the harsh sand sprayed in my eye as girl upon girl turns on her heel and walks away disinterestedly. I try to comfort myself with the view that I haven’t actually met that many American girls yet, and even when I have, it hasn’t been in settings conducive to sex or to one-night stands (e.g. Waiting in line to get my Cal 1 card or in dorms where I will repeatedly and awkwardly bump into any girl I have naked-time with for the rest of the year), otherwise I would have been made. But, when I force myself to think about it realistically, I have to conclude three things: 1. I’m just not that attractive, and 2. Berkeley is full of frigid, cruel-hearted girls who don’t know a good catch when they see one, and 3. Even if they weren’t cruel and frigid, I wouldn’t want to sleep with them because they’re all ugly and undesirable. My celibacy is not enforced but is a choice I have made to preserve the humanity of my standards (to sleep with some of these girls would plague my nightmares for years to come). his last point is, of course, just a joke (it’s not), and leads me smoothly into my clunky conclusion: I think I’m being too superficial and chauvinistic here; perhaps I’m acting with the wrong bodily organs as my guide, or too quickly: in the words of the Spice Girls, “I won’t be hasty, I’ll give you a try/If you really bug me then I’ll say goodbye.� Thus, the moral of this article is not to rely presumptuously on specific aspects of your character, and not to approach women as objects to be used and then discarded. Or perhaps, from a slightly different angle, I should just make do with wanking (an invention of a British social scientist for which he was so revered that he had a now famous clock-phallus named after him: that’s right: “Big� Ben). So, ladies, next time you are awkwardly approached by an almost-appealing Englishman, don’t hesitate to show some of that famous American hospitality. If it’s what it takes, admittedly I do own a kilt, and I am willing to serenade you with some paragraphs from “Pride and Prejudice.�

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