Hush hush, Jeffy. I’m too shy shy. Hey girl, heyyy
THE DAILY ANTHENEUM “Little good is accomplished without controversy.” — That’s still what she said.
VOLUME 122, ISSUE 125
APRIL FOOLS’ DAY
Magrath appointed permanent interim pres. By David Ryan Opinion Editor
Taking a lesson from its recent public relations nightmare, West Virginia University announced Thursday the hiring of C. Peter Magrath as permanent interim president of the University. The move comes just a few months before Towson University Provost James Clements will assume the position of University president and days after he signed his official, two-year contract. BRAD DAVIS/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM Clements will be paid Dr. James P. Clements is introduced as West Virginia University’s 23rd Presi- $450,000 a year, $150,000 more dent by Interim President C. Peter Magrath Friday at the Erickson Alumni Center. than Magrath and $195,000 Magrath will take over in the event of any presidential shenanigans. more than Garrison.
Promise caps off at $78 a year
“The creation of a permanent interim puts WVU in good hands,” said Board of Governors Chairwoman Carolyn Long. “Our University will be able to continue ‘business as usual’ in case of any personnel issues.” Magrath’s responsibilities include monitoring Stewart Hall, auditing the record keeping bodies and wearing a Mountaineer cap at all times. He will also be required to initiate clapping at any University-related event at which Clements is speaking, sources with knowledge of the contract said. Long stressed that the position was not an indicator of
the University’s confidence in Clements. “This is not a case of us anticipating failure,” she said. “We’re just being a little cautious. He’s going to do an excellent job. But you never know, you know?” The University has been in a tailspin of damage control since top officials resigned in 2008 as part of an ongoing degree scandal involving the governor’s daughter. Then-president Michael S. Garrison resigned in July 2008, along with several other school officials. Several staff and faculty had recently encouraged the Board of Governors to keep Magrath on as a consultant for the
PRT tracks to become pedestrian bridge
See PROMISE page AF2
“What? What am I going to blame on not being able to get to class on time now?” — Hugh Jorgan, Foreign language
By Shay Maunz Governor Joe Manchin introduced legislation Tuesday that would completely reverse the trend of adopting tougher eligibility criteria for the Promise Scholarship. Instead of hiking the required ACT score a point to control costs, as has been customary in the past, the proposed plan would lower the standards significantly. Instead of an ACT composite score of 22, students would be required to earn a 12. Grade point average would have no effect on students’ eligibility. “In fact, we can just eliminate requirements altogether if we want,” Manchin said. “Everybody has been complaining that no one can perform up to these expectations. So here you go, now everyone can.” The only catch is that the legislation proposes capping awards at $78. When a Higher Education Policy Commission advisory panel reviewed the Promise last year, it suggested the cap. Though the HEPC proposed capping awards at $4,500, Manchin said he will take steps to insure that lessening the amount will not have a negative impact on students. “Well, tuition is rising with inflation, so we will tie the scholarship to inflation too,” he said. “That should give students $1 or two more each year.” Despite this assurance, students have expressed concern over the policy’s consequences. “I really thought I could depend on the Promise Scholarship to help me get through college,” said freshman Rochelle Neely. “I mean, it even says it in the name. If you’re not going to actually keep the promise, you should have at least named it something else.” But Higher Education Policy Commission Chancellor Brian Noland said that he approved of the changes. “Well, our report found that as they raise the standards, lower-income students lose out because they become ineligible at a higher rate than their high-income peers,” he said. “This way, everyone loses out. How’s that for equality?” And Manchin touted another benefit of the legislation. Lawmakers have long been worried about the ramifications of educating the state’s young people, only to have them move
University. Magrath had hinted that during the course of his eight months at WVU that he would like to stay involved with the college. After an extensive search of potential positions for him to fill, the University decided to create the new position. “Obviously, I want Clements to succeed. But if he doesn’t, for whatever reason, I’ll be ready to pick up the pieces once more,” Magrath said. He will begin his new duties the day Clements takes over. As of yet, no location for his office has been located.
“I’d rather see some Alaskan ski dogs pull the PRT to a station sooner than walk to one.” — Helen Back, English major KENDAL MONTGOMERY/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM
A PRT car takes one of its final laps around the tracks. It and other PRT cars will become scrap metal while the tracks themselves will become a pedestrian bridge. By David Ryan Opinion Editor
Having to adapt to the grim realities of a nationwide economic downturn, University officials announced today the complete overhaul of the flagship Personal Rapid Transit system: its transformation into a campus-wide pedestrian bridge. “We’re pleased to be offering students the ultimate connectivity between campuses,” said University Spokeswoman Janey Cink Tuesday. “By transforming the PRT tracks into a walkway, we manage to do what Morgantown has
been unable to – provide a safe place to walk to each campus.” Pedestrian bridges have been the University’s prime choice for connecting the various buildings and landmarks of the various campuses. After spending $2 million of student fees on a pedestrian bridge linking the College of Business and Economics to Oglebay Hall, officials decided to complement its success. The University is also expected to begin construction on a second bridge linking the Coliseum and the Creative Arts Center.
The transition to a pedestrian bridge is a smart one, said Rob Hendershot, Department of Public Safety and Transportation assistant director for PRT operations. “We’re all aware of the various technological issues the PRT has,” Hendershot said. “The only reliable thing about the PRT is its ability to break down right before the beginning of class.” Hendershot looked to offset any concerns about the bridge’s safety for pedestrian use, including the height of the tracks. “Sure it’s safe,” Hendershot said. “Do you know how
many times students have had to end up walking the tracks to get to where they need to, anyway?” Hendershot added that there was no indication that the University was looking into covering the tracks in case of inclement weather. “Bring a bucket of salt in the winter,” he said. No details as of yet are final, Cink stressed, adding that plans are subject to change. “Obviously, you can’t expect students to walk all that way, say from Engineering to Beechurst, without some form
“This is one more step towards a socialist America. Thanks, President Obama.” — Tim Burr, Multidisciplinary studies
See PRT page AF2
Morgantown police unveil new entrapment strategy By Alex Kerns Staff Writer
In light of a projected city budget surplus, the Morgantown Police Department was allotted $100,000 to purchase new equipment for its officers. MPD has foregone the standard riot-shield and stun-baton upgrade and is instead shopping around for a newer innovation in crime deterrence – netguns. “The actual term for what we’re looking for is ‘ambulatory prevention cartridges,’ but yes, they are nets that we fire from guns,” said MPD Chief Phil Scott. The nets are made of a strong carbon-fiber filament
and are designed to contain several individuals, suspect or otherwise. Scott said that the intended use would be in a bar situation where an officer might encounter several people suspected of underage consumption but has only one pair of hand-cuffs. According to www.web-pro. com, the Web site of one of the largest netgun manufacturers in the nation, the nets are relatively safe to use on humans and should only result in some bruising and a brief sense of disorientation. Scott said that the department has secured several test models to help with selection and has been using them on patrol in recent weeks.
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“It has really made our jobs a lot easier,” Scott said. “Our officers just bag a few kids on High Street and sort them out later.” He added that the biggest downside to the new equipment was the process of untangling and repacking the cartridges after use, a task that has been delegated to some of the newer officers in the department. Students have begun to notice the new tools as well. Chuck McPeek, a sophomore computer-engineering major, saw the guns in action Friday evening. “I was downtown with some friends, and we saw some kids being pretty obnoxious outside one of the bars,” McPeek said.
“Next thing we knew, some cop was reeling them in and throwing them in the back of his cruiser.” According to Scott, the guns have proven themselves to be more efficient than the MPD’s current set-up, and all that’s left is to find the proper manufacturer to supply the weapons. The department is prepared to order 35 of the devices and a set of 5 cartridges for each gun. An average purchase of this size would cost approximately $60,000. When asked what the department would do with the excess funding, Scott replied that they would “probably order a pizza or something.” email@example.com
TODAY’S WEATHER: Avalanche
“So instead of having to smell the body odor of 12 trapped students in a PRT car, we now get exposed to nature. Thanks, WVU.” — Marsha Dimes, History
“Snap, I better get started on that lesson plan.” — Hugh Jass, Geology professor
THURSDAY’S WEATHER: We’re not meterologists.
WHAT’S INSIDE: NEWS: AF1, AF2, AF3 — OPINION: AF4 — A&E: AF5, AF7 — SPORTS: AF8, AF9 — CAMPUS CALENDAR: AF6 — COMICS: AF6 — CROSSWORD: AF6 — SUDOKU: AF6
AF2 ■ News
The Daily Athenaeum
April Fools’ Day
Square at Falling Run Univ. finds gnome infestation project to become Triangle By Ryan Hoffman Staff Writer
By Tom Katt Staff Writer
After months of failed attempts at securing investment funds, project managers behind The Square at Falling Run complex have been forced to make drastic budget cuts. The project, originally meant to begin construction as early as October of last year, will now face a 50 percent budget cut and be retitled The Triangle at Falling Run. “It was completely unavoidable,” an unnamed project manager told The Daily Athenaeum on condition of anonymity. “We couldn’t raise the capital required.” The complex would have featured as many as a dozen retail outlets, in addition to cafes, according to press materials on the project’s Web site. But now, the project will be triangular shaped in an effort to cut the required 50 percent. “Mathematically speaking,
it’s a sound option,” the project manager said. According to earlier reports, the Square was estimated to cost as much as $110 million, citing costs associated with landscaping Falling Run Road and the repavement of University Ave. by Business and Economics. City Manager Dan Boroff, who first questioned the project’s budget a week ago, said he wasn’t surprised by the announcement. “When you’re facing this kind of economy, investment is hard to find,” Boroff said. “We’re exploring a number of possible options should the project fall through.” So far, those close to the Square have made no indication they intend to abandon the plot of land. Currently, residents of The Augusta apartment complex – designed with the project in mind – use the undeveloped land for parking.
“I mean, I like parking here,” said senior forensics major Andrea Ware. “I only live at The Augusta, but I park closer to the apartment at night, then drive down the hill and walk from here.” Several investors had brought forth concerns about the project’s viability in such an uncertain economy. Major retailers, like Blockbuster Video, Radioshack and Sears had all expressed interest in establishing Downtown Campus presences. Even McDonalds was interested in setting up a Downtown drive thru window. But those ideas were shunned, said the project manager. Instead, more Dollar Stores – a staple of small town West Virginia – were encouraged. “To them, it seemed Dollar Stores made a lot of sense,” the manager said. No comment was available from the project’s chief financial backer at press time.
West Virginia University officials met Monday morning to discuss a possible threat to students, faculty and staff. A group of gnomes were found in the eastern corner of the University’s underground steam mines. Officials have determined the gnomes to be of Travelocitian decent. “It’s hard to say why they came here,” said Steve Adams, operations manager for WVU facilities management. “It’s even harder to say when they will leave.” Adams first noticed the gnomes during last month’s routine check of the mines. A group of gnomes were huddled around a fire, chanting what is thought to be some sort of battle cry: “We shall never roam alone. We will never roam alone!” “They must have carried on all night,” Adams said. As of now, little is known about the creatures other than that they have been here for over two months and are
gaining numbers quickly, said Mayor Ron Justice. According to the Travelocity Web site, the gnomes are harmless creatures who possess an insatiable hunger for low prices on travel accommodations. John Hardesty, an 18-yearveteren of the steam mines, paints a much darker picture of the gnomes. “(The gnomes) suffered advertising budget cuts and many of them are out of work,” he said. “You get out-of-work, oppressed gnomes underneath a major University and I believe we are looking at a disaster of epic proportions.” At Monday’s meeting, Hardesty suggested implementing a “shock and awe” style attack against the gnomes in which Army ROTC students would flood the mines with a series of flash grenades followed by flame throwers. The suggestion has sparked controversy. Student Government Association President Jason Zuccari has already taken a pro-gnome stance by establishing the group Students for the Liberation and Preser-
vation of Gnome Culture, or SLPGC. “It’s a little harsh to just attack the gnomes,” Zuccari said. The SLPGC has already held protests outside of the steam mines and will continue to do so until officials reconsider the attack. Justice has broken off all contact with the gnomes and encourages students and faculty to do the same. Priceline negotiation expert William Shatner will try to reason with the gnomes early next week. Shatner has a staunch record for working well under pressure. He commanded an intergalactic starship in the 1960s and most recently worked in a Boston courtroom. “If anyone can reason with them, it’s Shatner,” Justice said. “But the minute he gets in trouble, we torch the underground and send those gnomes back to whatever advertising campaign they came from.” firstname.lastname@example.org
Gas prices too cheap, residents say Crowds’ attitudes churn as violence erupts over Butter myth conference Amanda Grabb Staff Writer
After continuous, recordbreaking price increases for gasoline over the summer, some Morgantown resident’s aren’t happy about the recent decline. “It’s too practical to drive nowa-days,” said Thomas Warrington, 49, filling up at the Beechurst Ave BP, where gas prices now average $2.09 a gallon unleaded. Warrington is the owner of a Hummer, a car known for its expensive gas-habits and low mileage. “I got this baby right at the peak of the oil crisis. I was deliberately sending a message that I can afford gas while other people switch to their Hybrid vehicles.” Warrington’s concern is not
a lone complaint. After spending six weeks adjusting to new prices, single mother Susan Smith now has a bigger problem than trying to pay the bills – figuring out what to do with the excess left over in her high-gas-minded budget. “I scaled down everything – I even cancelled my premium channel subscriptions,” Smith, 26, said. “I haven’t watched HBO in months. I braced myself for not knowing what happens in ‘True Blood.’ I haven’t had a penny to spend on myself, and all of a sudden I do. It’s frustrating.” Economists reported Thursday at a Congressional hearing that gas prices were expected to continue to fall and that customers would have to accept the lower prices due to falling demand and a surge in
inventories. “We’re just going to have to soldier on, wish for a return to normalcy soon,” said President Barack Obama. “I can only hope to see this surge in prices before the year’s end.” In his first few months as president, Obama h a s p ro m i s e d t o p u t his full effort into raising gas prices in an uncertain economy. “We will do whatever we can, invade whatever we can and plunder whatever we can,” he said. For Warrington and Smith, that’s good news. “What the president is doing is fantastic,” Warrington said. “For a minute I thought I would have to start figuring out if I could save for retirement. “That’s not the America I want to live in.”
By Ryan Hoffman Staff Writer
A meeting to educate students and faculty about a popular brand of margarine quickly escalated into an all-out brawl Tuesday. West Virginia University students, faculty and outside consultants gathered at an open forum in Clark Hall to discuss the “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” brand of margarine. “We just wanted to straighten out the butter myths that are going around this University,” said Janey Cink of WVU News and Information Services. “The fact is, whether you believe in it or not, it is not butter.” Among the most glamorous visitors was the Pillsbury Dough Boy who had to be subdued with stun guns after the attempted assault of former WVU student body president Jason Parsons. Parsons accused the Dough Boy of spreading lies about the margarine. Dough Boy is currently being held at the North Central Regional Jail in Doddridge County without bail. “I can only take so much,” he said. “I won’t stand by while ignorant students defile my crescent
roles and tell me they are using real butter. You want to talk about spreading lies? What do you think you spread on your muffins every morning?” Although he was a little shaken up, Parsons did not sustain injury from the incident. “I’m still convinced it is butter,” Parsons said. Parsons has been using the margarine for the past 12 years without knowing the product is faux butter. SGA Board of Governors member Taylor Richmond said Parsons “frequently butters” his pastries, muffins and pancakes, ignorant to the fact that the product is margarine. “I see where Jason is coming from,” Richmond said. “Fabio said he couldn’t tell the difference, and who are we to argue with Fabio? I mean, he’s Fabio.” The Land O’ Lakes Indian Maiden expressed her discontent with the product in a heartfelt speech, calling for a change in the way this country views its pastry toppings. “I have been kneeling on the front of our packages holding that stick of butter for the past 81 years,” she said. “The margarine-
addicted youth of today makes me wonder why I got into the butter business in the first place. The game has changed.” As the forum continued, a group of choosy moms had to be escorted outside by Morgantown police after demanding the audience choose Jif peanut butter. “It was ridiculous,” said Morgantown Chief of Police, Philip Scott. “Clearly, they didn’t understand the issues.” The forum ended with WVU chemistry professor Harry Finklea assuring the audience that the product is not actually butter, leaving many skeptics scratching their heads. “If you want to tell kids the tooth fairy doesn’t exist, that’s your prerogative,” Parsons said. “But it looks, tastes and smells like butter, so you do the math.” Morgantown Mayor Ron Justice was not pleased with the forum, calling it a “pointless debate over nothing that no one should care about.” He went on to ask “Why would anyone want to read about this?” No further forums are scheduled. email@example.com
Sunnyside Up rival swears revenge By Colin Booth
nior creative writing major, said to the council. He added that he believed most of the University community shared his desire to see more couches burned, more alcohol consumed and more illegal substances brought into the neighborhood. Dull Beardy, a senior public relations major articulated, his hopes to council to begin a new grassroots organization with different aims and objectives than those of Sunnyside Up and asked for their support. “We’re totally throwing down for some serious late night, if you know what I’m saaaaayin’, and we wuz just hoping you dirty old men wouldn’t mind spittin’ some deep green at a
boy, you heard,” Beardy said. Tosser said that his organization had already accumulated $14 in funds and more than 3,000 members just two days after being created. Jim Hunt, President of Sunnyside Up who attended the meeting to meet the new organization, welcomed them and said he believed the two might be able to work hand-in-hand in the near future. “One day soon, and I mean damn soon, me and some hard hittin’, low down, teeth grinding, lead pipe wielding very close friends of mine are taking a stroll down to South Park and looking and finding every last one of you punk nobodys,” Hunt said.
loans students are going to have to take out to pay for school, there’s Continued from page AF1 no way they will be able to move away from West Virginia.” out of the state to benefit the And Manchin even answered country or world as a whole. questions regarding the students “Hah! I’ve got you now,” Man- no longer able to afford a college chin said. “With all the student education with the proposed
Promise Scholarship cap. “So far, West Virginia has hardly felt the burden of the financial crisis,” Manchin said. “This is clearly due to my superb skill as governor. So quit whining.”
News Features Editor
Recently formed South Park community organization, “Over Easy” vowed to stomp, pillage and raze to the ground neighborhood revitalization program “Sunnyside Up” during last night’s City Council Meeting of the Whole. Members of the group spoke during the public portion of the meeting; they wore tight jeans and shirts from bands you’ve never heard of and spoke of their hopes to see repealed recent advances made in the Sunnyside area. “Basically, I want to burn that mother to the ground,” Chairman of Over Hip Tosser, a ju-
tives to have MIX Information Screens posted every several Continued from page AF1 hundred yards. “We want students to stay inof entertainment,” she said. formed while they walk,” a postThe University is looking into ing made to the SGA Web site requests from Student Govern- said. The bridge is the first step in ment Association representa-
incorporating the City of Morgantown’s “Get Active” drive for 2009, Cink said. The move comes a year after plans to expand the PRT to New Jersey were scrapped. firstname.lastname@example.org
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John says check out Sports on pages 8 and 9.
The Daily Athenaeum
April Fool’s Day
News ■ AF3
Clements considers abandoning college employment contract By Brannan Lahoda Last-minute emergency writer
In a startling turn of events, once seemingly happy incoming West Virginia University President James Clements declared in a press conference in Baltimore Tuesday that he is “reconsidering my awfully hurried decision to accept the presidential job offer.” Dr. Clements, set to take the helm on June 30, asked for patience while reconsidering his “super-big life choice.” When informed by reporters that he had already
signed a contract with the University, Clements replied, “You’re kidding, right? If I recall, WVU’s last two men’s basketball and football coaches were under contract as well – and they got out of it. They were just stupid coaches. I have a master’s and a doctorate, so I think I can figure this (stuff ) out.” Clements, 45, who was set to earn $900,000 over the next two years, cited two major factors in his decision to reconsider the job for which he had already signed a contract – academic standards and a lack of
a party scene. “First, if you sit down and look at the situation here at this University, I’m probably not qualified enough to have gotten this job. I guess I do give a pretty good interview, though,” he said. “I mean, minimum entrance requirements notwithstanding, this University only awarded like 118 questionable degrees in the past 10 years, which is probably a lot less than other schools out there.” “Secondly,” he continued, “there is like, no party scene in this town whatsoever. How
the (expletive deleted) am I supposed to get my ‘mack’ on when half the bars in this town are 21 and over?” Clements, however, said that there was no real reason for the WVU community to worry – he is most likely going to fulfill his contract. “Unless a school with less rigorous academics – like Columbia or Brown – comes calling, or a school with a better nightlife – such as Brigham Young – opens up, I think that I will probably most likely come back. I mean, I love this state, its people, and these hot – I
mean, great students.” Clements concluded his brief press conference by declaring, “I’m (expletive) out,” before giving a terrorist fist bump to his assistant and walking off the stage. In the event that Dr. Clements decides to formally breach his contract, University officials were said to already be compiling a shortlist of candidates. A replacement was promised before Friday. On the short list former Mountaineer Natalie Tenant and some Charleston attorney that goes by the name of Mike.
President Barack Obama: ‘No, I can’t.’ WVU student attacked by mysterious meat S P A M
By Pierce Cox Staff Writer
By Jamie Carbone Campus Calendar Editor (To place an announcement in the Campus Calendar, e-mail Jamie at email@example.com)
On President Barack Hussein Obama’s 71st day in office, he has finally admitted that “No, I can’t,” in response to his personal problems with the presidency. “He’s essentially given up,” said Rahm Emanuel, chief of staff for the white house. There have been recent reports of the president waking up late in the afternoon awaiting his daily shipments of 35 pints of “Ben & Jerry’s.” During a recent political outing, the president discussed his apathy, telling the stunned audience he wasn’t even aware as to why he was attending a “Farmers of America” rally. When finally cornered by the press, Obama claimed he no longer reads his daily reports. He also shared his new daily routine. “I pretty much just chill out and watch episodes of ‘Sister, Sister,’” he said. “Why do they keep telling that nice boy Roger to go home?” The President then broke into
an unexpected juggling routine and discussed how he’s been learning new skills in his free time. He followed this by pulling out a deck of cards and asked a nearby spectator to “pick a card, any card.” The spectator, a farmer from Maggie’s Farm in Defiance, Ohio, discussed his own confusion. “At first I was hoping for some real excitement, but the card I picked was the two of clubs and he pulled out the queen of hearts. You’d expect more from a man with such free time.” When asked if Vice President Joe Biden would pick up any of the slack for the president, White House staff burst into laughter, telling reporters, “That was a good one.” The President’s office is hopeful that Obama will soon return to duty. “We’ve been leaving memos around the house, hoping to get his attention,” Emanuel said. Obama could not be reached on his Blackberry by press time, but inside sources have said that he is currently locked in his room watching “Full House.”
By Tess Steckle The next president of West Virginia University is to be decided in a talent-style competition, the Board of Governors ruled Monday. The BOG recently began reviewing its presidential selection bylaws, after announcing both incoming James Clements as president and C. Peter Magrath as newly-created, permanent interim president. The governors decided that the best way to drum–up interest for the position, if anything should happen to the position, was to go “all out,” saying that contests like “American Idol,” the hugely successful reality show, are “magnets for talent.” “It doesn’t make sense to ignore the show’s popularity,” BOG Chairwoman Carolyn Long said. “Aside from Mountaineer Idol, the format is pretty popular.” It had been reported earlier this month by The Daily Athenaeum that the company Greenwood/ Asher & Associates Inc., Executive Search, Consulting, and Training, the company who helped headhunt Clements, would aid in future searches. University spokeswoman Janey Cink said that auditions for the presidential position “would begin at the first sign of trouble.”
“We’re looking for a spring start, for a new beginning,” she added. Of the criteria for president, Cink said that administrative experience was a must, fundraising experience, good administrative and public relations skills and be able to convincingly dazzle audiences with spectacular jazz-hands. “We’re looking for a president that can rule our school and entertain us at the same time,” Long said. “But with musical numbers and not FOIA requests.” Auditions would be held in the Mountainlair ballrooms, performing free to the public. State documents require all positions to be advertised for as little as 10 days, Cink said. Judges have not yet been named, Long said, but “key players” in the state have expressed interest. “I’m not saying specifics,” Long said. “But we know for sure Gov. Joe Manchin’s got an interest.” The BOG hopes the new process will eliminate the need for a permanent interim president, citing Magrath’s new position. “Such a position would be overkill,” Long said. The winner will then tour the state, along with the rejects, in a ‘Presidents Across The State’ tour. firstname.lastname@example.org
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eah. John says check out my face on all these pages. Yeah. The Daily Athenaeum USPS 141-980, is published daily fall and spring school terms on Monday thru Friday mornings and weekly on Wednesday during the summer terms, except school holidays and scheduled examination periods by the West Virginia University Committee for Student Publications at 284 Prospect St., Morgantown, WV, 26506 Second class postage is paid at Morgantown, WV 26506. Annual subscription price is $20.00 per semester out-of-state. Students are charged an annual fee of $20.00 for The Daily Athenaeum. Postmaster: Please send address changes, from 3579, to The Daily Athenaeum, West Virginia University, PO Box 6427, Morgantown, WV 26506-6427. Alan R. Waters is general manager. Editors are responsible for all news policies. Opinions expressed herein are not purported to be those of the student body, faculty, University or its Higher Education Governing Board. Views expressed in columns, cartoons and letters to the editor do not necessarily reflect those of The Daily Athenaeum. Business office telephone is 304/ 293-4141 Editorial office telephone is 304/ 293-5092.
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rifying smell. It was grotesque. I felt bad for Ginger because that splat was really nauseating,” said Miller. To Rayle, the meat-tossing incident at first seemed to be a new phenomenon in Morgantown. Then she began to investigate and delved into Morgantown’s seedy past – a past riddled with meat. “The first known meat-throwing incident in Monongalia County was on Bumbo Lane, modern-day Fayette Street in 1835. A girl was coming out of the Morgantown Female Academy when she was struck by a chicken,” Rayle said. “It hit her on the back of the head and knocked her unconscious.” Every couple of years since, there have been what Rayle has referred to as “meatings” – periods where many people in and around Morgantown are struck by meat products. “There won’t be a single person hit by veal, sausage, not even a chicken liver, for a long time. Then it just starts again,” she said. “The next thing you know, there’s a report of a guy getting smacked by a
10-pound ham and a girl who says she got a dozen hotdogs dumped on her head.” She searched through police records and newspapers, counting at least 25,000 incidents since the 1830s where someone was struck by meat while walking the streets in Morgantown. She is convinced the incidents are connected, but admits she doesn’t know how. “Turkey doesn’t just fall out of the sky everywhere,” Rayle said. “There is something to this, I know it.” Officials are concerned with the growing popularity of drive-by Spammings. These incidents occur often, but are seldom reported due to embarrassment. Morgantown Police Chief Steve Stevenson said there is speculation as to whether the criminal(s) involved may be attempting to copy cat the infamous “Alabama Spammer” of Montgomery, Ala. “Students walking around campus down there were complaining of drive-by Spammings, especially at night,” said Stevenson. “When they finally caught the cul-
prit and asked why he did it, he simply said that Spam is cheaper than bullets.” Statistics of Spammings are alarming. One in every four students will be victimized by Spammers by the time they graduate, Stevenson said. Rayle is currently working with city police officers to raise the awareness of meat-throwing incidents. She partnered up with the Morgantown Police Department and the University Police Department to form the group Stop Pitching All Meat, or SPAM, with the hopes that one day people will be able to walk the streets of Morgantown and not have to worry about getting slammed by flying babyback ribs. The University Police Department and the MPD will be posting safety tips on SPAM’s Web site at www.stop-the-madness.com in upcoming days. The Web site will feature ways to avoid Spammings, as well as steps to take if pedestrians get Spammed. email@example.com
Woman hears threats of impregnation on PRT By Seymore Butz
Next president will be chosen based on talent Staff Writer
Officials are urging students to be cautious when walking in downtown Morgantown after a West Virginia University student was hit by Spam Sunday night. Junior English major Ginger Rayle was walking down Spruce Street with senior English major Jesse Miller at around 10 p.m. when she was allegedly struck on the left shoulder by jellied meat thrown from a passing vehicle. She reported hearing a girl yell from the passenger side of the vehicle before she was hit. “I don’t know if the yell was supposed to be a warning of what was about to happen. Thank goodness it wasn’t still in the can,” said Rayle. Despite the impact of the meat, there were no major injuries. “I was embarrassed more than anything. My shoulder smelled like Spam all night,” Rayle said. Miller, the only witness to the Spamming, said the incident caught him off guard. “We were just talking, and all of a sudden I smelled a truly hor-
A T T A C K S !
A PRT ride taken at halftime during Saturday’s football game got out-of-hand for some West Virginia University students. An unruly, obviously drunken passenger repeatedly threatened to “impregnate” other passengers on the PRT. “By the end of this PRT ride, one of you will beimpregnated,” threatened the drunkard. He continued, “You’re laughing, but I know you want to be impregnated.” The threats allegedly made other passengers nervous, but there is no emergency exit from a PRT car. Passengers like sophomore biology major Ben Down said he tried to find comfort by making awkward eye contact with other passengers. “I know it’s biologically impossible for me to be impregnated by anyone, but just the thought was scary,” Down said. He added that no one on the PRT knew the guy’s name. “We were afraid to ask his name because we thought he might take
that as an invitation to impregnate us,” he explained. Down said he was surprised to see that many of the females on the PRT were laughing, as they were the ones who had the most to worry about. “It was no laughing matter really – who wants to have an illegitimate child thanks to a PRT rendezvous?” questioned Down. Amanda Lay, senior psychology major, said she didn’t feel threatened by the “idiot.” “It was right in the middle of a football game. People had been tailgating – behavior like that should be expected,” Lay said. Upon further investigation, the drunken guy’s antics were found to be a desperate attempt made by WVU football head coach Bill Stewart to get people to stay the full time at games. “If people would just brave the cold and help lead our Mountaineer football players to victory, they would not have to endure threats of impregnation on the PRT at halftime,” Stewart said University officials are cur-
rently deciding what course of action to take against Stewart. “Personally, I think it’s a valiant effort to instill some team spirit and Mountaineer pride in fans, who, to be frank, are pretty much worthless,” said Ed Pastilong, WVU athletic director. Interim President C. Peter
Magrath disagrees, however. “This is becoming a safety issue for WVU students,” Magrath said. “Besides, people hate the PRT enough without having to deal with Joe Six Pack wanting to make babies with everything that walks.” firstname.lastname@example.org
APRIL FOOLS’ DAY
PRT pedestrian bridge a step too far West Virginia University’s decision to change the Personal Rapid Transit system into an 11 mile stretch of pedestrian bridge is downright outrageous. Last year, it was reported that the University intended to extend its flagship system into New Jersey and Parkersburg, W.Va. The station, which was to be placed in the state’s capital, would have allowed the growing influx of New Jersey residents to attend the University more easily. The college’s 2030 plan calls
for “at least a 75 percent enrollment rate” from the state. Several administrators had pushed for a station to be placed in Parkersburg so that it could “unite the two campuses,” and bring better unity between two campuses embroiled in scandals. But such an expansion proved too expensive after spiraling construction costs were hampered by a stagnant nationwide economic recession. This latest move by the University to seemingly “update” the outdated campus transport is simply going too far.
Are we honestly expected to walk the 11 miles that the PRT track spans? T h i s i s n ’ t c o m mu n i s t Russia. It is understandable that the college and its accountants would want to save money. But by eliminating the PRT, they are neglecting their obligations to ensure that all students get to and from their classrooms safety. There are no guarantees of safety on those tracks. For all we know, herds of mountain lions could become aware of the slow-mov-
ing smoargasboard of Morgantown delight trekking their way across twisty, hilly corners toward Towers. Granted, we’ve never seen such creatures lurking about – but there’s always the possibility. Also, the PRT has become not just an icon for the University but a “get-out-of-jail-freecard” for students unwilling to get out of bed. What of the students that, despite their best attempts, simply couldn’t be bothered getting out of bed after a latenight drinking session?
The PRT’s unreliability was accepted by the campus community because students knew, whenever they needed, they had a reliable, plausible excuse as to why they couldn’t get to that English review session. The University can try and hide behind its logic of “connecting the campus” with a pedestrian bridge, but we can see past it for what it is – a sad attempt to get us walking. And we, for one, won’t stand for it.
HAVE YOUR SAY What could we possibly do to encourage you to send us your questions and comments? E-mail us today at daperspectives @mail.wvu.edu See the bottom of the page for letters and guest column requirements. s.
Isn’t it time we gave Heather Bresch her degree back? DAN DRUFF Columnist
I’m going to go out on a limb here, breaking from the social norms and pre-established boundaries established by the liberal media here in Morgantown. You might not like it, but then again, you don’t have to read it. Quite simply – isn’t it time we gave Heather Bresch her degree back? In December 2007, some overly eager journalists from Pennsylvania decided to get all up in our business and ask whether one of our former students had actually graduated. Trust someone from Pennsylvania to question something
happening in West Virginia. Far be it from us to be the ideal nugget of perfection that is the keystone state. After all, they are so advanced with their woodland critter winter meteorological system. That, and they had the first oil well. Thanks, Pennsylvania – with the nation being addicted to oil, that effectively makes you the oldest drug dealer in the country. Kudos. But anyway – those guys asked a few questions, uncovering a sheer coincidence that Bresch, a former business student, didn’t have a few credits. But, of course, they couldn’t let it be. The innocent executive at a major pharmaceuticals company wasn’t to be trusted.
It was found that because she just happened to be the governor’s daughter – purely by blood and circumstances outside of her control, might I add – that something awry might have been amiss. And that her old college friend happened to be the president. And that her degree was awarded almost 10 years after graduating. And that her company, of which she was chief operating officer, happened to be the largest donor of the University. Some serious stuff went down, and after a panel investigating how her degree came to be, West Virginia University lost some of its top personnel, including former President Michael S. Garrison. But it’s since been found that the University has deeply en-
trenched and rooted records keeping flaws. At a recent press conference, interim president – now elected permanent interim president (that makes a lot of sense, Board of Governors) – C. Peter Magrath said that 288 expected questionable degrees would stand. All except Bresch’s. Which totally isn’t fair. There have been unfair criticisms that Bresch knew all along that she didn’t have the credits and that she could have come forward and this whole mess could have been avoided. But honestly – are we all so perfect? Are we all Peter Perfect of the Pittsburgh Perfect Paper? No, we’re not. I can’t remember the last time I haven’t lost some important things. In just the last week, I’ve lost:
my keys, my checkbook, my iPhone (I have done so and replaced it on three separate occasions) and, shockingly, my little cousin (I will never go back to that Ikea again). Too much emphasis has been placed on Heather Bresch, the degree scandal and less about Bresch, the person. According to Forbes’ magazines earnings estimates of corporate executives, Bresch earned only $1.7 million in 2007. Now, without her degree, she looks to lose absolutely none of that. I wonder how these people can sleep at night. Bresch has been unfairly targeted by a rabid WVU-fanbase out to look righteous, while at the same time forgetting just who is to blame: the University. I bet – in fact, I know – that
C O M M U N I T Y
somewhere, located in the bottom drawer of a University file system somewhere (if they even exist, apparently), my freshman year police incident report of my public nudity – of which I am completely innocent, a charge I refute to this day – still exists. If West Virginia University ever wants to move on from this manufactured scandal, designed only to remove the earned degree of a helpless corporate executive, it needs to reinstate the one degree that launched the proverbial thousand ships of controversy: Heather Bresch’s. In addition, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette should be responsible for covering the expenses related to the presidential search. After all, this whole silly exercise is all their fault.
V O I C E S
Morgantown: a city of Wow, I’m about done with those many failed, strange taxes lousy, good-for-nothing farmers APRIL FURST
A few weeks ago, I had the unpleasant experience of having to readjust to another period of temperal shifting. Of course, I’m talking about the twice-yearly tradition of having to set back every video cassette recorder in my house forward – and back – an hour because of daylight savings time. And it’s all because of those lousy, good for nothing farmers. Seriously – after all this time, why are we catering to the the needs and wants of people who
Despite receiving plenty of positive press from national media outlets for its healthy economy, Morgantown City Council isn’t waiting around to bleed more money from its residents. As has been repeatedly reported in this fine newspaper, council members have repeatedly pushed for a wide variety of fees – including a road user fee and, most recently, a late-night “entertainment fee.” The residents of Morgantown voted it down, which would have seen $2 from every employee of a Morgantown-based employer, regardless if they were considered permanent residents of the city or not. The entertainment fee, which would see a tax on anyone entering an establishment open between 10 p.m. and 4 a.m., probably won’t even see a public vote. But these are not lone instances of Morgantown’s insane taxations. We take a look back at some of the city’s previous attempts to generate fees. Surprise Tax Originally proposed in 1952, Morgantown City Council began exploring alternatives to raising revenues outside of increasing sales taxes. The firm brought forward the idea of a “Surprise Tax,” in which Morgantown residents, unknowingly walking down High Street, would wander into “Surprise Zones,” in which they would be ordered to pay a 30 cent fee in order to carry on about their business. According to language obtained by The Daily Athenaeum, various city council members – assigned on a rotary basis – would don all-black attire, hiding behind various landmarks and surprise citizens on a randomized basis.
farming enthusiast. Some of my best friends are farmers. But the rest of the free world shouldn’t be held hostage to their demands that time be changed to fit their whims. After all – I can barely manage to record the TV Land “Murder She Wrote” marathon whenever it’s on. Having to dart about the house to reset every appliance is a major inconvenience for me, especially seeing as everything that plugs in nowadays has to have an obnoxious, turquoise clock flashing on the front of it. It’s about time these farmers did things on their own.
Stadium birds keeping me awake Brighton Early Evansdale
HONOR FOTRE/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM
attendance at its scheduled meeting time. As residents began to grow concerned with where their tax dollars were going, council members attempted to sell tickets to their meetings, even going so far as to make posters advertising them. “Come see City Council – your tax dollars at work,” the signs advertised. “Only $4 a ticket.” Sadly, the measure failed miserably and audience members tapered off. City Council eventually had to raise property taxes to cover the cost of production associated with the posters.
Street-Crossing Tax As the streets of Morgantown City Council Fee In the 1991 economic reces- began to deteriorate into their sion, City Council members at- now-famous pothole appeartempted to cash-in on increased ance, council members floated
spend their entire days mucking around in fields of cow dung? Are we not in an age of technological innovation? It’s not that I begrudge these farmers a living – after all, plenty of my hard-earned tax money ends up in government subsidies in their favor. But I am concerned that despite all their modern farming conveniences – including giant, John Deere tractors that could haul a modest-size house across 10 acres of Pennsylvania field – that they themselves just can’t set the clocks back themselves. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a
the idea of a tax on people who crossed the street too many times in one day. “Obviously the footwear of modern youths is to blame,” a former council member is quoted in available minutes of a July 23, 1960 meeting. Though the measure was passed by council members, elder councillors abandoned the plan, complaining that the college students “all looked the same.” What-the-hell Tax After a string of unsuccessful tax increase proposals, city council members unanimously voted on a tax that lasted a week before public outcry almost turned violent. Dubbed the “What-the-hell tax,” council members established a mandatory, unwaivable $30 fee on all residents.
Dear readers, is it just me, or is anyone else hearing birds at Mountaineer Field? For quite some time now, my friends and I, at our weekly crocheting meeting (We call ourselves “The Crochet Crew,” Google us) have been trying to find the source of a strange bird-like noise emanating across the city. On our weekly walk, we happened upon Mountaineer Field
– West Virginia University’s oversized concrete church for football and the like – where we heard the sounds of birds. It’s very strange that such birds, which I believe to be a mixture of ravens, robins and other winged creatures, are twittering about so loudly at night. It has become so bothersome of late that my husband and I have had to relocate to accomodate their squawking. While we have not seen these birds personally – despite fre-
quent break-in attempts at the stadium – we believe that there is too high a population located in such a small area. We don’t want the University to kill the birds, not disturb natural environments. But the stadium is not natural, it is manmade. It would be fantastic for the University to round up these bothersome birds and enable my crocheting crew to get about creating appropriately itchy sweaters for our grandchildren’s christmas presents.
What’s wrong with havin’ 29 cats? Tanya Hyde Suncrest
It’s been a very tough year in my life. My husband divorced me, left me for my younger sister Annie. Then I got a little “vacation” from work. The boss claimed my behavior became “unprofessional.” I ask you. What’s unprofessional about constant coworker impersonations? Humping my officemate’s chair? Screeching randomly all evening? Nothing, I know. But still, they said I needed a little break from the office... and the sauce. So I made a resolution. In-
stead of grabbing attention and comfort from anywhere and any mailman, I was gonna fill my home with happiness. And happiness means cats. Kittens. Cats. Domesticated felines. They would become my family, my confidants. My lifelines. I picked up a stray for every year of my life. That’s right, 29 and proud of it. And so far, my frisky friends have been my salvation. Captain. Sky. Moonshine. Bailey. Miller. My furry babies are named after my favorite kinds of booze. They’re equally precious to me.
But when I was out shopping for my next little companion, my crusty ol’ neighbor Carrie Oakey gave me one of her lookovers. I know what she’s thinkin. “Why does she have 29 cats? Must not be able to keep a man. She’s a kook.” She called the cops on me once. Said my babies were meowing yewlin’ into the night. Well, Carrie. And all you other cat critics. You just try to take my kitties. Just try! I’ll box em up in the basement like usual when the sheriff comes. Fools. You’ll never know love like feline love. Never.
Letters to the Editor can be sent to 284 Prospect St. or e-mailed to DAPERSPECTIVES@MAIL.WVU.EDU. Letters should include NAME, TITLE and be no more than 300 words. Letters and columns, excluding the editorial, are not necessarily representative of The Daily Athenaeum’s opinion. Letters may faxed to 304-293-6857, or delivered to The Daily Athenaeum office at 284 Prospect St. EDITORIAL STAFF: SHELLY BEAN, EDITOR-IN-THIEF / GWEN SCHOOLCRAFT, BARELY-MANAGING EDITOR / TRICIA SULKS, CITY EDITOR / JON NO FOOD, ASSOC. CITY BEGGAR / DAVID RYAN, OPINIONATED EDITOR / COLIN BOOTH, IF-NEWSFEATURED EDITOR / TONY DOBIES, BIGGEST PAYCHECK / BRIAN GAWTHROP, ASSOC. ARBY’S EDITOR / ANDY SMITH, CLICHE EDITOR / KATIE GRIFFITH, PADEN WYATT’S GIRL / KENDAL MONTGOMERY, EVERY PHOTO EDITOR / RACHAEL BRADY, HATEFUL / CANDACE NELSON, GRAMMAR WENCH / CORY ZINN, AD WRANGLER / JAMES CARBONER, WAIT, HE’S AN EDITOR? / ALEX DAVIS, ALWAYS HERE AT 1 A.M. IN THE MORNING EDITOR / ALAN WATERS, GENERAL MANAGER
ARTS ENTERTAINMENT www.da.wvu.edu
APRIL FOOLS’ DAY
Brown eyed as next ShamWow pitchman Editor’s Note: Marc Basham is a jerk. By Marc Basham A&E Writer
Following the recent arrest of eccentric pitchman Vince Offer for felony battery of a hooker, ShamWow, Inc. has taken a large step in response, releasing Offer of his sizeable contract and signing R&B superstar Chris Brown to take his place in the ShamWow infomercials. Jacks on “ The Rusty Trombone” Johnson, president of Valueplex International, the parent company of ShamWow and former professional dog fighter on
GRAPHIC BY ANDY SMITH
Watchmen comic sequel planned, Moore onboard By Andy Smith A&E Editor
On the heels of its film adaptation’s smash-success amongst fan boys and moviegoers, “Watchmen” will be joined by a second volume due next year. As it will surprise many fans, it may even inspire more surprise as writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons will be returning to create the sequel. “My snake goddess and I agreed that I may have been too opposed to the idea in the past,” Moore said. “I still never – and I mean never – want to see the film adaptation of ‘Watchmen.’ … But I heard it was pretty awesome.” The film, released in early March, did better in the box office than any other adaptation of Moore’s work. This may be disputed by Moore who claims that he wrote the original short story on which all of the “House Party” films are based. Moore is famously known for having harsh feelings against movie adaptations of his comic books, though has recently gone on record as saying “Iron Man” was “totally badass.” Still, many may scratch their heads over Moore’s return to the “Watchmen” universe. Moore has contended for years that it was a self-sufficient, single effort miniseries. “For you immature fan boys, I never said I wouldn’t write a sequel to ‘Watchmen,’” Moore said. “And if I did, it was probably ‘Opposite Day.’”
“Watchmen” director Zack Snyder was recently asked about if he will respect Moore’s wishes to not adapt this volume of the series. “I do and will always respect Alan Moore,” Snyder said. “But we’re already in pre-production. We just lined up an even longer awkward sex scene for the next installment.” Snyder is currently in talks to helm “The Dark Knight Returns” for Warner Bros. The original miniseries, written and drawn by Frank Miller, is one of the most famous graphic novels to date. “It’s totally got a ton of guts and boobs with like swastikas on them and stuff,” Snyder said. “Frank Miller is a genius.” Meanwhile, Moore continues the planning process for his “Watchmen” sequel. The working title for the second miniseries of “Watchmen” is “W2: Bubastis’s Revenge.” According to Moore, the first miniseries left many questions to be answered. “Does the public find out what happened?” Moore said. “What is Dr. Manhattan doing? Will Bubastis come back as a god-like being just like Jon Osterman did?” Perhaps the biggest question comes with the fans’ willingness to experience the Watchmen universe again. “Who watches the Watchmen?” Moore said. “Well, a bloody load of people, I hope.”
Annoying kid in Econ 201 still wants to know if anyone has a ‘duck do,’ any ‘updog’ Tim Reynolds, that kid that sits behind you in Economic 201, still wants to know if you have any “updog” or a “duck do,” according to the girl who sits beside him in the next class. Reynolds, a freshman sports management major, is known for asking these kinds of questions on a regular basis. “He tried to tell me that ‘gullible’ wasn’t in the dictionary,” said junior Jessica Riley. “He just broke out in laughter afterward because he thought it was really funny.”
The DA invites you to celebrate
No clubbin’ tonight.
FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER
Don’t just go to the movies, GO HOLLYWOOD!
STADIUM 12 University Town Centre (Behind Target) Morgantown • (304) 598-FILM $6.00 $5.75 Bargain Matinees - All Shows Before 6PM $6.50 $6.25 Student Admission with Valid I.D.
ALL STADIUM SEATING - ALL DIGITAL SOUND ( ) PLAYS FRI. & SAT. ONLY
Monsters vs. Aliens [PG] 1:00-1:30-2:00-3:30-4:00-4:30 6:00-6:30-7:00-8:30-9:00-9:30
1:05-4:00-7:25-10:10 I Love You, Man [R]
12 Rounds [PG13] 1:10-4:10-7:10-9:40
Haunting in Conneticut [PG13] 1:25-4:15-7:40-10:00
Watchmen [R] 1:15-4:45-8:00
Race To Witch Mountain [PG]
Duplicity [PG13] 1:35-4:25-7:05-9:50 Last House On The Left [R] 1:45-4:35-7:20-10:05
Taken [PG-13] 1:30-4:40 Knowing [PG-13] 1:20-4:05-7:30-10:15
The Metropolitan Opera: La Sonnambula Encore [NR] 7:00
NO PASSES OR SUPERSAVERS
Bobby Laird, Reynolds’s freshman dorm mate, had much to say about the man. “The worst part is that he doesn’t even wait to hear your response when asking for a duck do,” Laird said. “He just says ‘quack quack’ and walks away.” Still, Laird maintains, it has gotten better over the years. “Last year he just said ‘that’s what she said’ after everything,” Laird said. “Even when it didn’t make any sense.” — ads
ANDY SMITH/THE DAILY ATHENAEUM
market.” The new endorsement can also be seen as a rebirth of Brown’s career. Following accusations of abuse between Brown and his girlfriend Rihanna, the awardwinning singer believes this great opportunity can help revive his beaten and broken career. “ShamWow has given me a second chance to help show this great country my true character,” Brown said. “The entire country loves Kobe (Bryant) now. That’s the path I want to work toward as well.” Brown, who has firsthand experience using ShamWow prior to his hire, said he hopes to highlight the multitude of uses for the product during his infomercials. “You can use it to clean up messes following a night out. You can use it to clean
Read the DA online. Seriously. Just type in the address at the bottom. Oh, you’re a Mac user? Well, just think about going to the Web site and it’ll appear. I hear they can do that now. No, seriously, I heard that. On a Web site. www.da.wvu.edu About Macs.
the mean streets of Blacksburg, Va., sees Offer’s recent actions as detrimental not only to the company’s image but also his own. “Who does that goofy s--head think he’s messing with? Snuggie?” Johnson said. “This is ShamWow, a family oriented product. There is no room for the abuse of this country’s fine streetwalkers in our organization.” But the shocking news of Offer’s arrest didn’t faze ShamWow long. Less than 24 hours after the arrest of Offer, Johnson had his new pitchman – Brown. “We knew that we had to distance ourselves quickly from the atrocities of Offer,” Johnson said. “I believe that with Chris Brown holding the reigns of ShamWow, we can now get a chokehold on the entire absorbent towel
KNOWING PG13 1:00 4:00 7:00 9:40
I LOVE YOU MAN R 1:15 4:15 7:00 9:30
DUPLICITY PG13 1:15 4:00 7:00 9:50
LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT R
RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN PG
12:30 2:50 5:10 7:30 9:50 TAKEN PG13 1:30 7:05 ONE LAMB PG13 4:00 7:00 12 ROUNDS PG13 1:30 4:20 7:15 9:45 HAUNTING IN CONN. PG13 12:30 1:00 2:45 5:00 7:15 9:30 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 3-D PG 12:30 1:00 1:45 2:45 3:15 4:00 5:00 5:30 6:15 7:15 7:45 8:30 9:30 10:00 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 2-D PG 12:30 2:45 5:00 7:15 9:30
up sweat following a boxing match. Hell, you can even use it to clean up the kitchen counter after you beat your eggs,” Brown said. “This product can clean anything, including my reputation.” But even with this highprofile hire, Brown won’t waltz easily into the infomercial spotlight. He will have to fight his way to the top in an attempt to beat the king of infomercials, former WVU student Billy Mays. “Billy Mays here for OxyClean. It’ll clean anything, including that pesky police record. WOW,” Mayes said. “Call now, and we’ll throw in an Andy Smith Mustache Groomer. Look like an Internet predator without a visit from Chris Hansen. A $600 value, all for only $19.95 – call now.” email@example.com
AF6 ■ Campus Calendar
The Daily Athenaeum
April Fools’ Day
Campus Calendar CAMPUS CALENDAR POLICY To place an announcement, fill out a form in The Daily Athenaeum office no later than three days prior to when the announcement is to run. Information may also be faxed to 293-6857, or e-mailed to firstname.lastname@example.org. Announcements will not be taken over the phone. Please include all pertinent information including the dates the announcement is to run. However, lately, the Campus Calendar Editor has been in a funk. Maybe it is because it isn’t warm yet or maybe because sometimes he is a big hormonal girl. Don’t send him stuff anymore, odds are it’ll get deleted. If a group has regularly scheduled meetings, the Campus Calendar Editor still won’t care. These announcements won’t make the cut. The editor reserve the right to edit or delete any submission and he will use this right a lot. Questions should be asked to Campus Calendar Editor James Carbone at 304-2934141, ext. 209 but he won’t answer.
of self control I fear is never ending, controlling, confusing what is real.
DOES ANYBODY SERIOUSLY CARE ABOUT WEDNESDAY ANYMORE? It’s the middle of the week, so I guess that is its one redeeming factor, but lets be honested, you still have a couple of days of work or class left and it sucks. If I had it my way, Wednesday would be the first day of the weekend, and Sunday would be the other part, that way you get a break in the middle of the week where you can just go and do whatever you feel like instead of being stuck in the same boring routine like you were the days before and you will be the days after. SOMETHING IMPORTANT is probably happening today and someone will complain about me behind my back because I didn’t post it. Well, guess what? If I didn’t post it, maybe you sent the e-mail to the wrong address or maybe your event wasn’t important enough. For example, do not send me concert updates anymore unless they’re for the school. I’m not going to post something because your band is hitting the big time and playing at Fuel. That is great for you, but it doesn’t warrant Campus Calendar entry. Also, stop sending stuff to my personal e-mail. Send it to DACalendar@mail.wvu.edu, this is the e-mail that things need to go to. If I recieve another e-mail sent to the wrong address, I won’t do the nice thing and forward it to the calendar e-mail anymore, I’m just going to delete it. ABC totally has a rocking lineup every Wednesday. Until they run out of new episodes. That’ll be bad. WEATHER is totally going on outside right now. It might be good, it might be bad. I hope it is sunny. Sunny means sundresses. Yeah ladies, wear them with pride. ALL CLASSES SHALL BE CANCELED, as the streets will be closed for the 13th annual Beer Pong competition. Also, if you believe this, you deserve to fail.
RYAN BROWN is having his last day at Gary’s Comics. He will be missed.
APRIL FOOL’S DAY is in full swing. If you haven’t realized this yet, get your head checked. I mean, c’mon, did you think something this ridiculous would actually get published by The Daily Athenaeum? “SCRUBS” is totally on at 8 p.m. Good Show. “LOST” is on at 9 p.m. Has anybody been watching this show lately? It is actually pretty good, but it is so confusing right now too. Why are they in the 1970s? Why isn’t Locke dead anymore? I wish Desmond was on it more.
April 2 THE ROBOCOP APPRECIATION SOCIETY will be hosting a showing of Robocop and Robocop 2, the only good ones. If you don’t like these, then nobody likes you. CANDY DAY has been called off, unless you’re so awesome you can make your own candy. If so, congratulations, you win. THE OFFICE is on. Can you believe Michael quit? What is going to happen now? Does this mean the show is going to end or is Steve Carrel leaving? Also, it seems to me that Jim is being kind of a jerk lately. I wish he would’ve stayed with Karen, Rashida Jones was hot.
April 3 ARE YOU STILL READING THESE? Seriously? That is pretty impressive.
April 4 ANDY SMITH FAN CLUB will be meeting at the residence of Andy Smith. If you like his Panel 2 Panel or are one of his friends from Gary’s Comics and More, show up at his house at roughly 3 a.m. That’ll teach him.
April 10 WIN A DATE WITH PADEN WYATT entries are due. Any lucky male or female, and, in some cases, forms of livestock, should have their entries in by this point.
April 11 HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSHUA FERNANDEZ. You see, I went to High School with Josh and he has been one of my closest friends for a really long time. When we grow up, we’re gonna start a detective agency together. It’s going to be so boss.
April 16 DAVE RYAN gets a life. That life is made up of watching re-runs of “Red Dwarf” and “Doctor Who” while drinking tea and eating crumpets.
CRAIGSLIST is full of useless crap that just about anybody can get pretty easily. It This day disgusts me. is also a good way to waste time. THE CAMPUS CALENDAR EDITOR is April 7 continuously sleepy. There is something CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, these wounds wrong with his sleep schedule and he they will not heal. Fear is how I fall, confus- doesn’t know how to fix it. If anyone has ing what is real. There’s something inside any advice, go ahead and fire off an e-mail. me, that pulls beneath the surface, con- He’d appreciate it. HERE, HAVE SOME PLACEHOLDER suming, confusing. This lack of self control I fear Is never ending, controlling I can’t TEXT, Raestie feugue vulla faccum nummy seem to find myself again. My walls are nisl et wisisit nis niam, susci tincidunt num closing in. Without a sense of confidence, voluptat. HENIAM, quisismolor sum irilis nit, I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take. I’ve felt this way before quatie magnim velisi. so insecure. Crawling in my skin, these PIT AT IRILLA feugiam etumsan dipisl wounds they will not heal. Fear is how I fall, ut nit at. Lenit duisi. confusing what is real. Discomfort, endRE DIGNIM IL eriurer adiamconulla lessly has pulled itself upon me, distract- corerilit nis dolum zzriusto consent adit ing, reacting. Against my will I stand be- ex etue dolesequis nostie cons alit at lut side my own reflection. It’s haunting how I ipsustin et lor sed ex euisismolese mocan’t seem, to find myself again, my walls diam er am dolorer iurerit inis dit ing et are closing in. Without a sense of confi- dolesse veratie tis estie tionseniamet am dence, I’m convinced that there’s just too vulla consequamet essequipis non euis exmuch pressure to take. I’ve felt this way erit eugait butts wis nonsequating exero before, so insecure. Crawling in my skin, con hendigna ad ectem zzriliquat wisl et, these wounds they will not heal. Fear is sim voluptat dignibh ex elit il del in ulpuhow I fall,confusing what is real. Crawl- tet wisl ipit, commod tem diam, quipit iusing in my skin, these wounds they will not cill amconsent nonsent iurem augue tetum heal. Fear is how I fall, confusing, confus- ipit vullupt atueraestie tat venit praessit ing what is real. There’s something inside luptat. Duis am volorero od mod modolor me, that pulls beneath the surface, con- percin eugait, conulla alit lortincilis et atin suming, confusing what is real. This lack ulpute modion heniam, sequat, velisl dolor
Comics susto dit accummolesed tem aute facipis nis dolenisisi. SAN ULLAORTIE tisi. Ulla consequis nullaoreet ad magna con veriure ratuero core feum augueriure dit dolobor sit utpat ametuero odolortie dolore tem nos erillan diamet, voloreet, velendr eriliquat iure dunt vel dolestrud ea faciduisim ipsum do conullan euisi tie dipisit aut et ipsustrud del utpat ut autat nulluptatuer accummolore et at ipiscidunt aliquam, veliquiscin ut adio dolorerci blaor sed dolum niam volobor peraesto cortio dolessisisi tatismo lortin vullutetue magna feuis nullan henisci tissi. RUD MAGNISSIS ad esseniat augait adipism olorperat vercipisit et augait veraesto diat ulput velendit velisl endrem zzrilisi bla feumsan utatismod dio dipit ut il et, se feugait at. ET LA FACIP ENIT NONSED ex exercil dunt enis nonse dolorperilit praesed tis ea consequatem velenit ad dit ut estrud eugiam dolore dolorem velit lamet, consenibh ea consequis diam veliquisim quat lamcortie te min hendre dunt am vullaor erciduis dolore magnim vel duis nonsequat ipsum zzrillutpat aliscilis aciduip exeratisis aut lore vullam iurem doluptat nostrud tie tetue del il elisim vullamconse tat, conseni ssendre delendigna faccums andionsed tio odio odolesto odolobortion ut acilla am quat. GUERAESENDRE coreet dolortio dolendio odignis am, quis alit lum quat. FEU FACCUMSAN utat. Ipis nullaor sustrud tat iurerit in heniam iliquipsum et, commy nonullandre magna feuguer ciduissi. LANDIO euisisl ut lutat prat, quat. Ut utpat ut aliquat, cons am, volent iuscillam, consenit vel ut il delissit prat ea feuissit lum zzriuscilit niatetum adigna feum venis dolor alis eummy nisim aliquatum nosto corper in ullaoreetue do consequatuer si tate faccum aciliquat. Ipis nit lummy niscidunt autpating eum eu feuguerating et dipit vulputat. Ut ad magna feum vel dui enis num velendre velis nullam in ent ilis adiat. Ore conse consequisl utat amcon esto ercin utat. Ut lor sequamcon eros et lore del ut iurem aliquat ad er aute tet veleseniamet EM IN HENIS dolor sequi tie conullu msandrerat iustrud eu feum elis nostrud ex endre core veniatie diatums andrerostrud tat. MET NIATUER SIM VELENT eniam, vel ut alis nit utet amcon eugue do cons eros acipit delessi ssequat alit, sim veril utat lore min ea alissed ex eugait accum vel ipisl dunt wis auguero dunt nonsed magna commy niat nibh elenim dolorpero conullu msandit adipismodit la alisi et, conseni ssequip essim iure cor in utat ipit lut luptat velendre do et, si. UT IL DOLORE faciduis augait ut lorerat. Mincilla consequ atincilisit ipit ea faccum dolorperci tie te molore do dolorer sit lortie et, core tem in ulput aliquat ionsequ ismolorper aut loboreet luptat praestis elit ullam zzril eriusto dit wisi. DIAMET AUT VER SUM aliquat vullandiam ad tet iureraesto odiamet ectet iuscidunt wismodit la feu faccum in utat lorem ex euisim esent del doloboreetum vel irit incilla aciduiscin ulla feugiam quisisl utpatem aliquisismod et, suscilit irillaorer alit augue vulla accum veriustrud mincidunt am volore molore etuerostrud essim ing eugait irit iliquip eugiam, vulputat digniate core tem vel utet acilit nullum veliqui blaor in vulput nullam ilit il illuptat. ✣❏■▲❅ ❖❏●◆❐▼❁▼ adiamcons et delit, venim quamcorem zzrillan eui te doluptat iurerae ssendiam iure dipsusci te conullamcons etum nosto conse ming eriuscil iriureet, con velisit ilit aliqui blandre vullan ullaortio conumsa ndrerci tis um zzriure diat nis ad tie feugiam, si. ULPUT LUT LUM DOLOR in volesse quatum atin et vendipisit lum augait niam adigna feu feugiamet num eu faccumsandre mod molor acin heniat ipsum nos eu feum vel dolorti nciliquat, con ullandre feu faccumm odolum qui tatummy nonulla feugiam zzrillaore magna consequi tem doluptat, sim iustis et ad magna aliquisl in hendiat wis nisit ilisit, velesequatet laorperit num nim nonsed mincidui eu feum do con henibh min henit at lore magnissent eros nim venit wis euis dio dolorem dolor il iriureetum dit illa conse dolutpat iureet dolor iurem dionsed modolorem vel ea facil u
Horoscopes BY Albert Yankovic
BORN TODAY: Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true. Where was I?
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) ★ The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep. Tonight: Finally do something with your life and get off the couch. TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) ★ You will never find true happiness – what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep. Tonight: The Campus
Calendar Editor is a Taurus, so if you are too, congratulations. You should feel so lucky so as to share this with him. GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) ★ Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest. Tonight: Play Megaman 3 and defeat Gemini Man so that you can become the new Gemini Man. CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) ★ The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test. Tonight: Cancer is a crab, but don’t get crabby. Seriously, nobody likes a jerk. LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22) ★ Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik. Tonight: Be nice to your boyfriend. He is a good guy and deserves free candy. VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22) ★ All Virgos are extremely
friendly and intelligent - except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick. Tonight: Watch the original Star Wars Trilogy. Seriously, you’ve been meaning to do it for months now so you might as well get it over with. LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22) ★ A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week. Tonight: Did you know libra is the only inanimate object in the zodiac? Its scales, like the kind justice holds, so, if you’re libra, you’ve at least got that going for you. SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21) ★ Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak. Tonight: Buy yourself a delicious sandwich. I don’t care from where, just make sure it is a good one. SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21) ★ All your friends are laughing behind your back. Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hang-
ing in your den. Tonight: If Centaurs were real, I would so want to ride one. CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19) ★ The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying .If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again. Tonight: Have you tried being a vegetarian? Are you sick of it? Good, stop it. Eat a whole chicken. AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18) ★ There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day. Tonight: Buy a bunch of Easter decorations and decorate a stranger’s house. PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20) ★ Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say. Tonight: Call yur ex and let them know just how good you’re doing with out them. Do not cry while making this call.
BORN TODAY: If you were born today, the joke is on your parents.
BY TONY CARRILLO
BY TONY CARRILLO
BY TONY CARRILLO
ONE ANGRY DUDE
BY JOSH FERNANDEZ
Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit, 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit www.sudoku.org.uk.
DIFFICULTY LEVEL: Epic SOMEDAY’S PUZZLE SOLVED:
ACROSS 1 Impetuous fervor 5 Cong. work period 9 Not on the up and up 14 Tibetan holy man 15 Dark purple 16 “Flip This House” airer 17 Some dadaist art 18 Bone-dry 19 Hardly sensitive 20 2003 Katie Holmes film 23 Leftovers covering 24 “Bus Stop” playwright 25 Robin Hood’s wood 28 Everlasting 31 Carol starter 33 Cheery 36 Is situated 37 1965 film based on a Katherine Anne Porter novel 40 Genesis twin 42 “The Girl From Ipanema” singer Gilberto 43 Composer Andrew Lloyd __ 45 Clytemnestra’s son 50 Prefix with skeleton 51 Himalayan legend 54 Gear parts 55 1962 WWII film 59 Escargot 61 Outfield border 62 5-point K, e.g. 63 Scout rank 64 Grandson of Adam 65 San __ Obispo, Calif. 66 Butler of fiction 67 First name in country
68 Give off DOWN 1 Go by, as time 2 Dogie catcher 3 Current unit 4 Pocono 500 group 5 Relaxing retreats 6 Pisa dough? 7 Imaginative genre 8 Sable or Impala 9 Like some cows 10 Spydom name 11 In-depth examination 12 Oral surgeon’s deg. 13 “Amen!” 21 Listless feeling 22 Links org. sponsoring the FedEx Cup 26 Summer on the Seine 27 Jazz guitarist Montgomery 29 Clothing 30 Wall St. deals 32 Extension forming a right angle 34 Young salamander 35 Hendrix haircut 37 Enemy agent’s strategy 38 Center of activity 39 “Golden Boy” dramatist 40 Meadow mom 41 Census datum 44 Place for a lace 46 Agree out of court 47 Monotony 48 And others, in
bibliographies 49 Most bashful 52 Quasimodo’s hangout 53 Vacuous 56 To the __: fully 57 Handful of mud, say 58 Designer Schiaparelli 59 Talk about sin, e.g.: Abbr. 60 “Uh-uh”
XL 3 Topping $10.95
The Daily Athenaeum
April Fools’ Day
Arts & Entertainment ■ AF7
Zombies take a bite out of inequality, conference goers By Matt Armstrong A&E Writer
In a surprise press conference held in Hollywood last weekend, Zombies called for an end to the negative portrayal of their kind in pop culture. “All my fellow undead friends and I want is to be treated equally,” said Pete Sanders, a representative for the legions of Zombies who have appeared in films over the years. Sanders was a driving force behind E.A.T. F.L.E.S.H., an labor union for Zombie actors and whose initials stand for Equal and Amiable Treatment For Living and Existentially non-Surviving Humans.
“We all know the stereotypes associated with my brethren,” Sanders said, in a sharp British accent. “But that does not mean we are all alike.” During the press conference, Sanders and other undead speakers presented examples of Zombie culture, including paintings, folk songs and novels, although some in attendance were not quite sure what they were seeing. “I don’t know, I thought the paintings just looked like a child’s interpretation of what brains look like,” said Robbie Ender, a passerby. “And I’m pretty sure that was human blood, not paint.” However, some in attendance
were of a different opinion. “I think they’re amazing, just absolutely fabulous, and I must have one of these paintings,” said Laura Reed, an art collector who is, coincidentally, a great admirer of Jackson Pollack. After sufficiently displaying Zombie culture, Sanders reiterated the need for society to try and understand the undead’s plight instead of trying to decapitate or otherwise destroy a zombie’s brain. “We were once living, just as you are,” Sanders said to the crowd. “All we ask is to be left to our own devices.” Sanders went further, saying much of society’s apprehension of Zombies can be traced to one
“Edgar Wright, director of ‘Shaun of the Dead,’ treated us with respect at the end of the film, allowing us to have jobs and showing that Zombie-human friendships can work,” Smith said. After Smith and Sanders finished speaking, members of the media were permitted to ask questions, but that portion of the press conference had to be stopped when the Zombie representatives went on a rampage through the FOX News contingent. “It was horrible, I’ve never seen so much carnage,” said a sobbing Glenn Beck as he was comforted by a smirking Anderson Cooper.
COLIN BOOTH News Features Editor
The first progeny of the unholy merger of Square-Enix and Eidos should have been aborted in the womb. “Boomtime 2,” sequel to the action-adventure first person concept piece of 1997 is little more than a cash in. An empty vessel meant to lure the cult audience of the original to a paltry sequel with little more to offer than the warm feeling of a memory. Of course you remember the original “Boomtime”, developer Hideo Kojima’s first title after finishing “Snatcher” for the Sega CD. One of the few titles that made the Nintendo 64 worth owning, “Boomtime’s,” mature, erotic storyline took players through the seedy underbelly of a near-future Detroit, playing illegal soccer games for money to feed the player’s growing addictions to amphetamines and Drake’s Cakes. It was quirky, it was edgy and it changed the industry. Revolutionary use of the Rumble Pak and a camera perspective extremely close to the main character’s face at all times set the original apart from the other crap being pumped out for the system at the time. And “Boomtime 2” seems to be following in its predecessors’ very large footsteps. Coming out exclusively for the as-of-yet unreleased Phantom console, “BT2” is shaping up to be a fascinating work of game developer angst and a digital manifestation of guilt.
This time around, the protagonist is a headhunter for an Australian designer watch company. The plot revolves around the protagonist attempting to break into his house after having lost his keys, then drinking a large bottle of gin while attempting to win back his obese ex-wife. The story has got grit and charm to spare. “Grand Theft Auto” came off like a two-bit Thursday afternoon mob drama in comparison. Nothing stacks up. The graphics – lacking in both quality and quantity – don’t really seem to matter to me for some reason. What’s wrong with me? Yes, this game is at least three years from coming out, but I’m comfortable at this point calling it Game of the Year for 2012. It’s going to sell like gangbusters, holla. email@example.com
SELF LOVE A DATE WITH PADEN WYATT
By Paden Wyatt A&E Playboy
Hey kids, it’s that awesome guy who tells you about all the coolest dates to go on in our lovely area. You know the columns that you tried to convince your lameass boyfriend – who considers going to Arby’s then renting a DVD about John Cena and explosions, followed up with a mediocre coital exchange to be a good date – to read and show him that there is maybe something else out there? Well, the answer to your dating woes has arrived, baby, and it’s me. Yes, you heard me right. I’m talking about dating me. I’m the best thing that could potentially happen to you, but I’ll address that in a minute. Here’s what I’m saying: “I’m awesome.” That’s all. But sticking true to my column’s staple bulleted list, I’m about to let my little square friends tell you why that is so. ■ I’m original and not to mention really, really ridiculously good-looking. I mean, I come up with most of these dates ideas. Sure some of them are submitted to me, but think of all the places we could
man: George Romero. “I respect the social satire contained in Mr. Romero’s films, particularly ‘Dawn of the Dead,’ but to be fair, I think we can all admit his films try to sensationalize my people,” Sanders said. Sanders also showed disdain for Tom Savini, Romero’s special effect guru. “The fact of the matter is that we Zombies do not rip what we eat to shreds,” Sanders said. “Instead, we have learned to use every part of what we mercilessly stalk and kill.” June Smith, a fellow Zombie representative, was quick to recognize that not all filmmakers portray the undead in a negative light.
go. You won’t have to eat those roast beef melts no more, baby. We’re getting bubble tea and Pizza Al’s. ■ I can grow a pretty sweet mustache, and all the panties be dropping when I curl the ends up. It’s almost a curse. Haha, I said almost. Oh, I love mustache March. ■ Do you know anyone else who has killed a deer with their bare hands? Well, you do now. Long story short, it was a journalism retreat in Canaan Valley. I was running. It looked at me the wrong way. I ran over and punched it in the face and it didn’t get up. True story. ■ I have a pretty ballin’ collection of Super Nintendo video games that will only make your boyfriend jealous, and that’s not even including my mad Tetris Attack skills. So between the mustache and my collection/skills, it’s a tough life with all the attention. I barely manage to live day to day. ■ I’m into all sorts of music. It ranges from Old Crow Medicine Show to the Cool Kids; the WuTang Clan to Refused; Mastodon
to Beirut. It’s all there, so we will have some common ground here to talk about. Unless you like Nickelback. In which case, I’d appreciate it if you’d drop what you’re doing and throw yourself off the Westover Bridge. ■ But most importantly, I’m housebroken, and I haven’t found a set of parents that hate me yet. I’ll help your mom with the dishes, I’ll make butt jokes with your brother and talk about hunting with your dad. Which brings me to the end of my article where the fun really begins: I’m going to hold an essay contest. E-mail me at the address below to enter. I want a 500 word entry on why you think we should go on a date and to which of the places I’ve written about. We could have the best date ever. So good luck with that and think abou it. I know you’ll come around. Until next time, jerks. P.S. I bet you thought today’s column was about something else, huh? firstname.lastname@example.org
Questions? Comments? Who cares? Don’t e-mail us, we don’t read ‘em anyway DAA&E@mail.wvu.edu.
First, let me say “Boomtime” was absolutely fantastic, and I must say, even though it was released only in Japan, it really sold like gangbusters. But its sequel, “Boomtime 2” is the best game of the year. “Halo?” More like Lame-o. “Guitar Hero?” More like Sucktar Hero. “Wing Commander?” More like Wang Commander. They all pale in the comparison to the awesomeness contained in “BT2.” I mean, even then name is pretty awesome. It almost brings tears to my eye. And I must say, the casting of Christopher Lloyd in the role as Inn Keeper was truly inspiring. His line “There are no rooms at the inn,” was truly inspiring. Plus, any game that has Bruce Campbell highfive Billy Dee Williams 12 different times is pretty fantastic. It’s got such a wide release too; I love that I got
When all was said and done, Sanders and Smith managed to bite, thus turning to Zombies, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Greta Van Susteren. When reached for comment, Roger Ailes, president of FOX News, stated that he had no intention of firing his now undead television personalities. “From what I understand, now that they are Zombies they will simply mope around and posses sub-par intelligence, so I don’t really see a major difference,” Ailes said. “Shoot, I should’ve hired Zombies years ago since all they want is they occasional human brain.” email@example.com
JAMIE CARBONE Campus Calendar Editor
to plug my “VirtualBoy” in for the first time in 12 years. However, the music is just atrocious. I heard John Williams was originally going to score this thing, but Danny Elfman stepped in at the last minute and just reused the music from “PeeWee’s Big Adventure.” This is infuriating. The gameplay itself is pretty awesome. Slashing through tons of the same generic enemy while singing into the game-specific microphone is always a good time. Until you’ve done it about 300 times, then it’s kind of boring. Actually, a lot of this game is boring. Like the waiting room simulator or the five-hour cut-scene where you watch the main character take a nap. And its price of four easy payments of $29.95 is actually the opposite of easy. It is four difficult payments for a sub-par game. In fact, I’ve broken three controllers due to this game’s difficulty. There is a boss fight where you have use “Rock Band” drums when the enemy just urinates on you as an attack. This game is a ridiculous piece of crap. Never before has such awfulness graced any system I have ever owned. And I played “Superman 64.” I’m so angry right now; I just popped a blood vessel in my eye. firstname.lastname@example.org
SPORTS www.da.wvu.edu www.da.wvu.edu
WEDNESDAY, APRIL APRIL FOOLSâ€™ 1, 2009 DAY
Huggins hires Knight as assistant By Brian Gawthrop Associate Sports Editor
One of the most feared and intense college basketball coaches in the nation just got tougher. It comes in the form of a sidekick. West Virginia menâ€™s basketball coach Bob Huggins announced Tuesday the hiring of former Indiana and Texas Tech basketball coach Bobby Knight as associate head basketball coach, effective immediately. The extra funding for the hiring comes from money saved by the basketball program for the proposed state-of-the-art practice facility that Huggins said Tuesday, ESPN â€œApparently isnâ€™t going to happen New WVU assistant coach Bobby Knight stares down the person sitting to the any time soon.â€? right of you. Seriously. He actually is. The hiring of his longtime
friend, however, nearly offsets the disappointment left by the continual absence of the practice facility, according to the two-year WVU head coach. â€œSure, weâ€™d love to have the facility. But Bobbyâ€™s the next best thing,â€? Huggins said. â€œWeâ€™re trying to build a championship program here. Heâ€™s going to help us do that.â€? With 902 career wins, Knight is one of the most respected basketball coaches in history. He led the Hoosiers to three national championships and 11 Big 10 Conference Championships before being fired in 2000 due to off-the-court issues. He was then hired at Texas Tech where he led the Red Raiders to the NCAA Tournament for four years.
But it wasnâ€™t his achievements or coaching history that influenced Huggins to make the hire. It was Knightâ€™s infamous fiery attitude. â€œHe gets pissed off easily, and thatâ€™s what I like about him,â€? Huggins said. â€œHeâ€™s intimidating and is just a strictly business type of guy. â€œPlus, Iâ€™m sure heâ€™ll throw a chair or two and get some more people in the crowd.â€? Knight was fired from Indiana in 2000 after allegations that he choked one of his players after disrespecting him. This came after Indiana President Myles Brand issued a â€œzero toleranceâ€? policy on Knight. Huggins said heâ€™ll tolerate â€œpretty much anythingâ€? as long it doesnâ€™t include the â€œloss of a game or loss of my job.â€? He also said that
Knight is not required to attend any of the Mountaineersâ€™ practices as long as heâ€™s on the sidelines come tip off. Reports have already circulated that a feud between the two coaching legends has already occurred after the manager of Yesterdayâ€™s Bar and Grille had to escort the pair out of the facility after Huggins told Knight he could no longer wear a red sweater at the games, which greatly upset Knight. The manager confirmed the reports Tuesday. In a related issue, seven Big East Conference officials resigned after reports of Knightâ€™s hiring were released. Among the seven were Kurt Talley and Eric Wanlan, two of the conferenceâ€™s longest See KNIGHT page 19
Coach Stew: Key to Stewartâ€™s new novella hits shelves today 2009 is 12th man By Woody Forrest Sports Writer
WEST, Va. â€” West Virginia will have a distinct advantage when it takes the field in September against Liberty, head coach Bill Stewart said Monday. The second-year head coach and his coaching staff have been working on what he calls a â€œrevolutionary new formation,â€? which would likely give the Mountaineers a step above their Big East Conference opponents. â€œFolks, we are extremely, extremely tickled by this opportunity we have at this great University to try something new,â€? Stewart said in a Twitter post Tuesday. â€œIt will be nice to see, exciting to see.â€? While Liberty will likely line up a more conventional 11-man starting lineup against the Mountaineers on both offense and defense Sept. 5, West Virginia will be playing with 12 men on offense. When told about the new strategy during a conference call with Liberty head coach Danny Rocco, he was flabbergasted. â€œYouâ€™ve got to be (expletive) kidding me,â€? the fourth-year head coach said before hanging up. WVU offensive coordinator Jeff Mullen is excited about the opportunity to have another threat on the field. â€œWeâ€™re going to put the best 12
players on the field at one time,â€? Mullen said. â€œWe will still have a little motion and a little throw game though.â€? Stewart still believes thereâ€™s much work ahead of the team if itâ€™s going to be able to benefit from the use of the extra player. â€œWeâ€™ve got a long row to hoe,â€? the second-year head coach said. â€œWe canâ€™t get our carts in front of our horses.â€? Starting running back Noel Devine is also â€œessccitedâ€? about the opportunity to put another playmaker on the field. â€œItâ€™s esscciting,â€? the junior said. Mullen has yet to decide who would take the position. It could be a combination of players. â€œWeâ€™re going to put the 12 best players on the field,â€? he said. â€œMike Poitier has been big for us in past spring games, so we are going to give him the first shot.â€? Mullen said it will increase the teamâ€™s â€œthrow gameâ€? and will give it the ability to motion more players before the snap to confuse the opponent even more. An e-mail to the NCAA asking whether or not a 12th man would be legal in a game was not returned before press time. â€œItâ€™s likely Stew will just turn on the charm,â€? said athletic director Ed Pastilong. â€œHeâ€™s got this in the bag.â€?
By Willie Stroker
WE GIVE STEWâ€™S NEW BOOK 4 1/2 RANDOM BASEBALL CARPETS:
BIG OTTER, W.Va. â€” Bill Stewartâ€™s first book titled â€œOxygen is for Astronauts: A Coaches Taleâ€? will hit the shelves Thursday. The book, depicting West Virginia Universityâ€™s second-year head coach during his years of coaching at the school, is expected to surprise many readers with his knowledge of the game. â€œThis is Ole Bill Stewart at his best,â€? said The New York Times. â€œItâ€™s a good, old fashioned laugh riot,â€? wrote The Los Angeles Times. The 72-page book features 53 pages of images and 19 pages of text spanning the long and fruitful career as West Virginiaâ€™s head coach. Three pages are devoted to the Mountaineersâ€™ 24-3 loss to the Greenville Pirates â€“ Stewartâ€™s first loss as West Virginiaâ€™s head coach. Stewart discusses in Chapter 2 why he believed there was no reason to have oxygen on the sidelines of his teamâ€™s game against Colorado â€“ his teamâ€™s second loss of the 2008 season â€“ in the twopage chapter titled â€œOxygen is for Astronauts.â€? Stewart also devoted three pages to the Fiesta Bowl victory in 2008, entitled â€œOnly ONE Curfew Bust.â€? In that chapter he discusses the â€œcharacter young menâ€? in his program. He does not, however, name any players on his team who have bad character.
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Stewart discusses in the prologue about his visions for a prosperous future for the state of West Virginia. He feels its future is in the lubrication of the entire free world. â€œIf people put their trust in West Virginia, itâ€™s going to get hot and heavy in here,â€? Stewart said. â€œWe have enough coal to heat the daggone world.â€? He ends his book with a simple paragraph stating the future of the Mountaineer program under Stewart himself. â€œThis is what Mountaineer football is all about,â€? he wrote. He does not go into too much detail about his relationship with former WVU coach Rich Rodriguez, either. Throughout the book, Stewart calls Rodriguez only â€œthe former coach.â€? The book is forwarded by former West Virginia head coach Don Nehlen, current Wake Forest coach Jim Grobe and current Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. â€œStewart gave me my first job,â€? Tomlin said. â€œEvery time I stare at my Super Bowl trophy, I think of him and how he got me started in the coaching business.â€? Stewartâ€™s book is to battle against Hall-of-Fame sports writer Mickey Furfariâ€™s new book â€œMickeyâ€™s Mountaineer Memories,â€? for the top of the charts at Morgantownâ€™s local Barnes and Noble. â€œI hope this book will out-block, out-tackle, out-hit and out-hustle See NOVELLA page 19
WVU rifle to wear blindfolds next season By Brandon Brown Sports Writer
West Virginia rifle coach Jon Hammond is as even keeled as they come. That is, until you give him a National Championship trophy. After WVU rifle teamsâ€™ improbable comeback at this yearâ€™s NCAA Championships to win the schoolâ€™s record 14th national title, the third-year coach from Aberdeen, Scotland, is upping the ante for his team. Next year, his Mountaineers will be wearing more than just their NCAA-mandated uniforms. Theyâ€™ll be donning another piece of equipment: blindfolds. â€œWeâ€™re too good,â€? Hammond said with conviction. â€œIâ€™ve got to give my kids a little more incentive
to work harder. But more importantly, Iâ€™ve got to even the playing field for all the other schools competing against us. â€œEven with the blindfolds, I donâ€™t believe any other school has a chance against us, but weâ€™ll see.â€? WVU stormed back after a dismal performance on the first day of NCAAs in smallbore. The Mountaineers were in sixth place going into Day Two after shooting a 2290. But in air rifle, West Virginia dominated with a score of 2353, taking four of the top six spots to claim the title. Hammond said it was all part of the plan. â€œWe did that on purpose,â€? Hammond said. â€œSince we didnâ€™t want to break out the blindfolds
at the end of the season, I told our guys to suck, just plain suck. Give the other teams hope. Then go in the next day and crush the other schoolsâ€™ dreams. â€œIt was a total team effort.â€? Since the team returns all but one shooter next season, Hammond has a lot of experience behind him as he installs his new tactic. He will hand out the blindfolds as his team enters the WVU rifle range for every practice, and his shooters wonâ€™t be allowed to take them off until the practiceâ€™s conclusion. That means his team will have to dress, assemble rifles, load them and shoot all while being completely in the dark. Even though the task may sound difficult, his team has already put a positive spin on it. â€œDid you ever see â€˜Dodgeballâ€™ when Vince Vaughn puts the dirty towel over his eyes at the end and beats Ben Stiller?,â€? said redshirt junior Bryant Wallizer. â€œWell weâ€™re all going to be like that. Just call coach Hammond
our â€˜Patches Oâ€™Houlihan.â€™â€? Practice will also include a â€œWilliam Tellâ€? period at the end where shooters will take turns trying to hit an apple placed on the top of a teammateâ€™s head. And, yes, everyone will still be blindfolded. â€œThe rounds we fire â€“ theyâ€™re not very big,â€? Hammond said. â€œI doubt they could cause any significant damage. Having never been hit with one myself, I wouldnâ€™t know. But itâ€™ll be fun to find out, wonâ€™t it?â€? This, however, wasnâ€™t Hammondâ€™s first option to make it easier for other schools to catch up. WVUâ€™s coach petitioned the NCAA to force his team to shoot at moving targets at every match. The NCAA declined, saying it would be too hard installing the mechanisms at every range. â€œI was mad that they wouldnâ€™t let us at least try it,â€? Hammond said. â€œI even volunteered to get back there and move the targets See RIFLE page 19
The Daily Athenaeum
April Fools’ Day
MEET THE EX MOUNTAINEERS Rich Rodriguez | Expert paper shredder
Sports ■ AF9
QUESTIONABLE CALLS WHAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER MOST REMINDS YOU OF GOD?
Rodriguez spent eight agonizing seasons with West Virginia before jumpin’ ship to Michigan.
What’s one movie you can’t go a week without watching? I don’t know if I’ve ever told anybody this before, but I love “The Lion King.” That Zazu, he cracks me up. Do you plan on reading Coach Stewart’s new book ‘Oxygen is for Astronauts: A Coaches Tale.” I might pick it up and skim through it. In fact, I’m thinking about writing my own book – “How to Get Rich with Rodriguez.” Come the first week of the upcoming season, will you be the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines? Listen, I don’t want to hear anymore questions about Michigan or any other school for that matter. I’m here to talk about Rich Rodriguez. Is Stephen Threet your team’s quarterback of the future? Stephen has a long way to go before we’ll ever win another game with him under center. Our future quarterback is my son, Rhett. He’s going to be Michigan’s first commitment of the class of 2017. But you always said Rhett was going to be a Mountaineer… I always said I was going to be a Mountaineer, too, didn’t I? (laughing). Daily Athenaeum or Mountaineer Jeffersonian? I know my headshot is of a guy you’d see in the Jeffersonian, but I’ve always been a big fan of those guys at the DA. Do you and John Beilein ever talk about your West Virginia days? Honestly, me and Johnny B. haven’t even said a word to each other since I moved up here. One of my assistants told me he was angry with me leaving WVU too. You don’t want to mess with Johnny B. when he’s angry. If your team somehow makes it to a bowl game next season, will you be the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines? Now I’m warning you, if any more questions about Michigan are asked, this edition of the Meet the Ex-Mountaineers with Rich Rodriguez will be over. What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re not coaching? Make confetti. If you still had the $4 million, what would you spend it on? I would give a dollar to every fan in the Wolverine nation because they are by far the greatest fans I’ve ever been around.
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Son of God
Jesus Christ’s dad
A poor-man’s Tebow
I’ve never been much of a Florida Gator fan. Traditionally a Pitt fan by birth, I thought I was a forever Panther fan. That is, until Tim Tebow took his first snap under center. At that moment, I realized this kid was special. That’s why, through prayer, I told Florida head coach Urban Meyer to recruit this kid. Thankfully, he listened. Tebow is why football was created. He is the reason people live to see another day. He has so many similarities to God, it’s ridiculous. He has cured four blind kids, created the candy “Lifesavers” (named after himself, of course) and even has a friend named Peter. Coincidence? I think not. After high school, he also got offers to become the USA National Swim Team Coach, replace Kathie Lee Griffin on Regis and Kathie Lee and even to become a priest for St. Mark’s Catholic Church. Many don’t even realize that Tebow had his first child at the age of seven, who later went on to become one of the richest women ever, have her own television show, her own magazine and star in “The Color Purple.” And if you don’t believe me, the proof is in his name. If you say “Tim Tebow” 20 times backward, it begins to sound like “God I am.” Without a doubt, Tim Tebow is the closest thing to God in college football today. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I think otherwise.
After much deliberation, I’ve decided to announce that I am, in fact – the one, the only – God. I’m sure many of you college football fanatics wonder how I can be such a great football player. While I give credit to my coaching staff at Florida, specifically head coach Urban Meyer, my success has been created and continued by me and myself alone. Do you wonder why, if I am able to see the future and be just an all-around awesome guy, I still happen to throw an interception every now and then? Well, I wanted to keep my cover. While the rumors were ramped and caused me added stress at times, I was able to keep those rumors at bay while chuckin’ it around the ole’ football field with my brosefs. The National Championship was nice and everything, but Tim Tebow is not done just yet, I promise you. Let’s just say I have something up my sleeve dealing with uncircumcised Malaysian babies and a double-clutch touchdown pass all in a span on five seconds. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of that. You will never see another college player circumcise as hard as I will next season, and you will never see a player cry for his team harder than I will, and you will never see a bunch of actual Gators play harder than we will. I would like to thank my Lord and Savior, myself, for allowing me to come out with such God bless you. I mean, I bless you.
People compare me to many. Elton John, Hugh Hefner, Al Roker – I’ve heard them all, and I greatly appreciate those comparisons. But I’ve never been compared to God. People know better. There’s only one God. He goes by the name of Tim Tebow. He is the man of all men. The Al Roker of all Al Rokers. What can I say, the man does it all. I first met T-squared (a nickname I gave him last year) in the Philippines visiting needy kids. During the trip we became really good friends – he was the cheese to my macaroni. The day before the last day of the trip, we decided we really wanted to do something special for the kids. I thought all night and finally decided that I would cook them a nice meal of steak and mashed potatoes. And while serving the food to the group of children, I looked to my right only to see Tebow circumcising Rafael – a 9-year old kid. “What are you doing?,” I yelled. “Doing my part,” he said. Needless to say, the kids weren’t as impressed of my dinner after seeing what Tebow could do. Following his performance, he showed the kids other things he could do like write with both hands and divide by zero. He also showed them his mean impersonation of George W. Bush. I was amazed. Then I realized I was in the presence of greatness. He doesn’t just compare to God. Tim Tebow is God.
I don’t know if you know who I am, but I’m the West’s version of Tim Tebow. My name is Jake Locker. I’m the starting quarterback at the University of Washington. I am compared closely to Tebow because of my ability to not only throw the ball but run it as well. There is not another quarterback on the West Coast with those abilities, so while I may not be the most polished quarterback, I am versatile (like your mom). Last year, while recovering from an injury that forced me out of my team’s season, which eventually led to my coach’s firing, I had a chance to take a few ganders at the legend that is Timmy Teeb (that’s what I call him). Timmy Teeb is by far the best quarterback in the country, and because of that, I consider him God-like. I mean, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy and Pat White have nothing on this angelic specimen of pure man. Literally, he actually makes the movie “Angels in the End Zone” sensible. A college signal-caller has one of the most important jobs on this earth – directing an offense down the field to score touchdowns. If there’s one person outside of myself I would want running my offense, it would be that magician. All I’m saying Timmy Teeb is … you transfer over to Washington and sit out that year and next year, I’ll be your Wildcat. Rawwwrrrrr. Think about it (winky face).
WVU signs Karikter Yungmein By Brian Gawthrop Associate Sports Editor
This was the recruit that Bill Stewart and the West Virginia coaching staff has been looking for. Stewart announced Tuesday the addition to Karikter Yungmein to the Mountaineers’ roster. Yungmein signed his letterof-intent late Monday after deciding on the Mountaineers over Ohio State, Ohio, Ohio Northern, Ohio Wesleyan, Ohio Dominican, Ohio Valley and the Art Institute of Ohio. “We’ve been after Karikter Yungmein ever since I was named head coach,” Stewart said Tuesday. “We’re going to build this program around Karikter Yungmein – he will lead us to where we need to be.” Yungmein, a 6-foot-6, 230pound defensive back from Sri Lanka, will join the team Friday, according to Stewart. The freshman becomes the first
Continued from page AF8 around myself. They said it was some kind of safety issue. “I really don’t get it.” Hammond then went on to demand the NCAA allow his team to use BB guns or even Super Soakers at events. The board was non-compliant with his requests, stating WVU must use NCAA-approved firearms and ammunition. That’s when Hammond de-
NOVELLA Continued from page AF8
the competition,” Stewart said. “Leave no doubt! Buy my book.” Furfari, on the other hand, did not seem pleased with the release date of the book. “In all my 120 years of writing sports at West Virginia, I have
Continued from page AF8 tenured officials. The two said officiating a game with Huggins and Knight on the same bench was more than enough for them to regret their
player from outside of the United States to make the Mountaineers’ roster. As for opening up a recruiting pipeline to Sri Lanka, Stewart said he’s not worried about that. “We searched that entire country, and there’s no more Karikter Yungmein there,” Stewart said. “We got the best of the best.” Yungmein made 67 tackles and picked off six passes as a senior at Hwa Chong Institute. It was only the third year of the school’s football program existence. Recruiting services such as Scout.com and Rivals.com list Yungmein as a five-star recruit with “tremendous upside.” The news isn’t all good for Stewart, however, as the NCAA has sparked an investigation looking into whether or not Stewart used the prospect’s name while speaking with the media – a harsh violation of NCAA rules. “We have to go through old tapes and see if he ever mentioned Kar-
ikter Yungmein,” said NCAA Compliance Director Lane Reid. “This one could be a tough case to crack.” Reid did say that his department hopes to have the investigation complete by next Monday. When asked to comment on the situation, Stewart admitted he didn’t realize such violation ever existed. “I never once mentioned his name, and we surely didn’t recruit him because of his name,” Stewart said. “We wanted him because he was a good, hardnosed player. “I just hope this issue will be resolved quickly so he can get out onto the field and start makin’ plays.” Macon Phleys is a four-star running back out of St. Pierre High School in Athens, Ga. who has narrowed his prospective schools down to West Virginia, Florida and Alabama.
cided on the blindfolds. “There’s nothing in the rule book that says we have to look when we shoot,” Hammond said. “It took a while to find that loophole, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t find one.” Shortly after its championship-winning performance, Nike signed on with WVU rifle to customize new uniforms and blindfolds for the Mountaineers. West Virginia will wear white to home matches, blue to away and will unveil its all-camouflage gear at next year’s NCAA
Championships. “We know we’re going to make it to the NCAAs next year, so why not wait ’til then for the camo?” Hammond said. “Even though we can’t see ourselves in our new uni’s, that doesn’t mean the world can’t bask in it.” Hammond also has a message for any team that thinks it’ll get the best of WVU next season. “Don’t even think about trying to beat us next year. You’ll just be left in the dark.”
never seen anything like this,” Furfari, a former DA Sports Editor, said on an elevator ride up to the press box of Milan Puskar Stadium in October. The book will also be published in an audio version and can be bought on iTunes. The book is also being published in French to appease those from the other side of the world who follow West Vir-
ginia so closely. “J’aime le football americain,” Stewart said. “Oui, je parle francais. Je suis varie comme l’offense de Jeff Mullen.” Stewart added: “Those French, we really like their fries.” Stewart dedicated this book to his beautiful bride.
decision to become an official in the first place. Big East Commissioner Mike Tranghese said more resignations are expected within the next two days. “I’d be putting my life on the line,” Wanlan said. “I’m not scared of much, but having them two yell
at me is too much to even think about.” When asked about the resignation of the officials, Huggins first replied “no comment” before admitting his plan has “already begun to pay off.”
The Daily Athenaeum
Wednesday, April 1, 2009