Page 1


Letter from the editor(s) Welcome back Sidney. Welcome, welcome back. WE are the new SidNews team. We are here to guide you through troubled times and make sure that, week by week, all the banter, gossip and general informative snippets that need to reach YOU, the student body, are delivered in shining, wittily-crafted and punctual form. So without further ado, we are proud to introduce our holy journalistic trinity: Jack ―the Father of Spin‖ Snoddy, Harry ―the Son of Misinformation ‖ Michell, and Danny ―the Ghost of his Former Self‖ McEvoy. Sidneyites this week plunge back into the bubble having enjoyed six weeks off for the Christmas holidays—so we have provided a special three page bumper edition! Many kicked off the break with the inexplicably popular Varsity ski trip, orchestrated by Sidneyite and rumoured geographer Sam Kirsop. Loads of top gossip went down; for all this and other seamy stories fresh out of the oven consult this edition‘s new-look Siditious. Enjoy!

This week I caught up with new SCCSU President and Darts extraordinaire Liam Agate for a pint (of coke) at the Maypole, in an underhand attempt to uncover more behind the mask of Sidney‘s new Totem. The new JCR president has recently moved into prime Sidney real estate: the famous G1. However, the move has not left him with the dream property he thought it would: “One day, all of this will be mine” Love the new room, and have accordingly decked it out with Sherry and Port! I must say that the shower lacks some oomph, and I had leaking problems the other day. I had to get out my cups and buckets to keep the place dry. However, I can assure Sidney undergrads that their well-being is top of my priority list, well ahead of my own personal comfort.

that, I will have to wait and see.

Well, I made the final auditions of Mastermind for this Easter, my speciality being ‗Peep Show‘, I also, since a traumatic experience I had at a young age I care not to mention, have a deepset fear of Peacocks. I can never put my glasses on when my hair is wet and I also have a tendency to drop into a Northern accent at any given time of the day, entirely against my will.

How has life changed for you since coming into your new role?

A SSCSU President of course has a wide range of responsibilities. How have things been with the ladies since your inauguration?

Not too bad at all, yes! Well, lady, rather than ladies. So, yes, exciting times ahead in more ways than one I imagine! (When, pressed, however, We know Liam is a natural stateson the issue of the said person’s idenman, gentleman and scholar, but tity, our gracious leader declined to these aspects belie a complex charac- comment – but no Sidneyite is outside ter: Siditious jurisdiction!)

Unsurprising, given that Sidney is the “Northern College”. Any peculiar bodily features, like a third nipple perhaps?

Not as much as one might expect; I do, however, miss the invaluable company and advice of my old flatmate Tom Lewin, purveyor of cups of tea, and, (Cue Northern Accent), a great personal friend. Well, it has been excellent meeting you, but this whole process has been a beautifully elaborate method of procrastination. However, do you have any final words for the Sidney community?

Nope. ―Some people think that Sidney is a What’s keeping you on your toes this college that couldn‘t win a raffle if term? they had the only ticket; I‘m out to change that.‘‘ The Bar is under review (so best beWe wish Liam best of luck this year! haviour everyone!) but, apart from J Snoddy

Sidney Sussex 36-3 Christs Sidney RFC‘s campaign to reclaim the prized League of Shame title kicked off with a resounding victory over their local rivals on Thursday. The Spartan side demolished a gutsy but technically deficient Christ‘s team under the leadership of club president Freddie Iron – returning from a 10 month spell of absence due to injury. The majority of the side was delighted about this, though one or two took an apprehensive deep breath at the prospect of yet more ―inspiring‖ team talks from the passionate Land Economist. Iron marked his return to the Sidney team with a try, strolling across the line in the second half after grinding pressure from the Sidney forwards allowed their dynamic back line to move the ball wide. Blind side flanker Elliot Banks kicked off the scoring shortly before half time; a first half spent entirely in the opposition half had yielded no points for Sidney until the tiring Christ‘s defence yielded to a period of sustained pressure and Banks charged over the line. Iron failed to convert. The 5-0 half time lead settled Sidney‘s nerves and after the break Banks was joined on the score sheet by exciting first-year centre Ed Linford, Blake ―Maori‖ van Velden, former football club captain Ayodele Fajuyigbe, acting captain Iron, and most notably the veteran Zedekiah Akanga, the former Blueprint frontman celebrating his first try in four years on the wing for Sidney. A consummate team performance had its fair share of heroes – notably Phil Franklin who performed exceptionally at scrum-half in the absence of Toby Ankers until midway through the second half, JCR president Liam Agate whose driving runs caused the Christ‘s defence no end of problems, and Sidney RFC debutant and man of the match Ollie ―Sneaks‖ Young, whose performance showed him to be the perfect solution to Sidney‘s chronic problem at full back – and one villain in the form of hooker Danny McEvoy, who late in the second half was sin binned for a despicable (brilliant—ed.)late tackle on the Christ‘s full back. Nevertheless, the term has started on a high, and the team looked forward with relish to the rest of the season. D R McEvoy

Zed toasts victory

Siditious There’S no way she’s had her Fill. Old-aGe orgy: Very tedious Philosophy: also Very tedious And your Bird can Sing(er) Would The owner of thiS pink (McCus)car, reg 5ER 3NA, please leave through the back exit? He'lL ask her nicely and open A gateway to happiness!

Sid. (Sidnews editors cannot be held responsible for any loss of reputation experienced as a result of Siditious. You only have yourselves to blame)

Snod’s Corner


..It came to me one pond surface – night in Cindies, the ripples scuttle astray, air sharp, the moon unbound. full, the scent of apple VK strong.. Well, not raindrops exactly. But I thought crawl towards I’d put something tothe earth. gether for the first edition, given I made a Lilies rest flat, big lark about it in the chlorophyll-weary. manifesto, and Danny has apparently promwater-avens ised many in Sid we’d sprung still. dole out at least a poem or so a week (cheers for that mate!). stoneflies flicked away – glimmer, meteors. Harry’s got some...oberservational air, soundless, stuff lined up, perhaps gathers itself not so flower orientated. So yup, here it is, is.. hope you enjoy!

Ginger in the Gym? So here we are at the laboured infancy of 2011; a time to start afresh, remedy the inadequacies of 2010 and make numerous New Years ‗resolutions‘ (the word itself now qualified with the ironic groan of a Christmas cracker joke). What joy then, that after a holiday of pigging out on turkey and watching reruns of chirpy cockneys two-stepping in various Disney musicals (you know the ones),

„Chirpy two-stepping cockneys‟ this year should coincide with the opening of our brand-spanking new gym, located in the dark depths of Sussex House. Over the past week I have been confronted by hundreds of Sidneites strolling through the college in tight fitting novelty t-shirts, beads of perspiration limply lolling upon their upper lips, and the look of infinite self-satisfaction in their eyes as they return from their third weights session of the day. Meanwhile the only exercise I have been able to muster is a daily trip to Sainsbury‘s to make the most out of the £1 pizza slices before the town‘s electricity is cut off forever! But after hearing from yet another converted exercise junkie just how utterly fabulous it is to get your sweat on everyday and the limitless joys of endorphin cultivation, I decided it was time I started trying to stick to my New Year‘s resolutions and asked new SSCUSU Gym Officer and full time ‗stud‘ Nicholas Kernick to show me around this new haven of heavy cabin of basement of get what I mean. The gym has been designed by Nick and the college to fit the many needs of its students; with a cardio room consisting of treadmills, bik es, cr o ss- tr ain er s, r o w in g m achines (and a television of course) and a

weights room packed to the brim with shiny machines ready to work the biceps, triceps and upsets of those who dare to enter. After Nick showed me how some of these machines worked, I quizzed him on his claims that he could give any Sidney student, in one month,

„The body and tone of a young Arnie Schwarzenegger‟ The body and tone of a young Arnie Schwarzenegger (prior to his roles in ‗Kindergarten Cop‘ and ‗Governor of California‘). ‗Of course,‘ he said, ‗to some extent it does depend on the student. I mean, yes, if most undergrads here did exactly what I said for a month, I could leave them with a six pack and pecks of steel, but for someone of say...your build...well then I‘d need slightly longer‘. Cheers Nicky. But regardless of how good you look, it does seem that an hour in the gym does indeed cheer you up. As I left Sussex House with a slight moisture on my brow, inadvertently whistling ‗I feel pretty‘ and skipping down the steps like Fred Astaire, the world seemed like a slightly happier place – even if it was only because I could finally take the moral high ground as Matt Songi sauntered past with two packs of M&Ms and some white chocolate cookies. The gym, contrary to what I‘ve thought for the last ten years of my expanding existence, is not necessarily a taunting hotspot for mockery and ridicule but is perhaps...a friend. And at only £30 for two terms, there are definitely worse friends you could have. H Michell

Quote of the Week: Matthew Gebbett: “I have nothing funny to say” Thanks for reading... If you would like to write, have any gossip or have an event you’d like to advertise, or just wish to rant, complain about or insult any of the content of this edition, feel free to email us

SidNews 1 | Lent 2011  

SidNews 1 | Lent 2011