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El Sid

All Classy n’ Shit


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Contents/ Contenu/ Inhalt Contenido/ Billen  A Letter From The Editor FEATURES  It’s 2008, So Where’s My Flying Car?  Sidictionary: Boatie Supplement  An Egg Called Poo  Sidney RAG Auction 2008  Cinderella’s  A Day In The Life Of An English Student  Tales Of A Haphazard Escape: The Story Behind Daniel Gorton And Bryan Ghosh’s Jailbreak Escape  How To Survive The Rise Of The Zombies  Sidney Lamb Chop Reading Society: 3rd Annual Report

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4 7 11 12 16 18 21 26 30

POETRY SECTION  The Waste Basket by T.O. Ilets  The Raven

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FOOD & DRINK SECTION  Snoop’s Soup Scoop  Thirsty Kirsty’s College Bar-ometer

35 39

GAMES SECTION  Sidney Sussex Bop Trumps ®

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 In The Back  Thanks To…

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Banging your head against a wall uses 50 calories an hour…a 4-year-old child asks, on average, 437 questions a day…In the last 3500 years, the ‘civilised’ world has had 230 of peace...


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News In Brief Alliteration augmenting All analytical assessments agree absolutely Decreases on the increase Increases on the decrease Brevity increasing Yes. ‘Disco fever’ sweeps Europe Nine dead Public Nudity on the increase Passers-by said to be ‘mildly aroused’ English teachers claim decline in verb usage They wrong Chicken refuses to cross road Condemns ‘hateful stereotype’ Fuck-ups fuck up As fucking usual Pope declared ‘world’s sexiest man’ Recount demanded

A Letter From The Editor I can hardly believe it’s done, but here it is, my first issue as editor of EL SID. And hopefully not my last. This issue kicks off with a look at future technology, continuing the Sidney Tomorrow’s World trend that the BVC began (Blessed Virgin Carol) and ends with the soon-to-be-infamous Bop Trumps game, and in between we have stories, poems, songs and everything else the discerning Sidneyite might want. I hope you enjoy this issue, but remember that El Sid is your paper, and it’s easy to get involved by sending me anything you’ve got lying around at mja59@cam.ac.uk. I’ll see you next issue, when we’ll have a brand new game for you, a ghost story, cocktail recipes, a somewhat leftfield commentary on the Harry Potter books and much more, but until then, Bonne chance,

Micky Alexander

Letter from the Zeditor

Z

…the most common name for a goldfish is ‘Jaws’…the most common name in the world is Mohammed…the most common name in Italy is Mario Rossi…Bees have no ears…


It’s 2008, So Where’s My Flying Car?

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Did you realise that you’re living in the future? Well take a moment and realise it. If this were 2001, your lack of recognition would be excusable. If it was still 1996 and you thought you were simply living in the present you’d be quite right. But 2008 is the future by any system of reckoning. The same way that ‘modern’ refers to an ill-defined period before the 20th century but after the 16th and had to be replaced with ‘contemporary’ when used to refer to history, we have ceased to live in the present and are now living in the future. This article is intended to serve as a call to arms: we’re living in the future and it ain’t all it’s supposed to be. Let us put aside for now the fact that the world was widely expected to have ended by now as a side effect of Global ThermoNuclear War [or possibly the main effect – ed.], there is a certain minimum standard of technological sophistication we were supposed to have reached by this point. Mobile phones are cool enough, but that’s old. Everybody knew we would have mobile communications technology before too long, but where the hell are all the conveyor belts? I shouldn’t have to walk anyplace,

What Cambridge is supposed to look like by 2008. Fact.

fusion powered walkomatics should do the job for me. True The Jetsons was set in 2062, but they were living in floating buildings: it seems the conveyor belts themselves should be more ubiquitous outside of airports. 1) Human Modification We were fitting people with bionic eyes, legs and arms back in the 70s. Sure, it cost $6,000,000 back then but correcting for Moore’s law the same operation should cost less than a penny today. Even allowing for service charges and the obsolescence of basic models (because in this day and age who’ll stand for that ‘SH-ni-ni-ni-ni’ noise whenever they look at something far away?) you ought to be able to get DIY ocular implant kits at Maplin’s. …‘China is a big country, inhabited by many chinese’ – Charles De Gaulle …’He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it. You can see it all over their faces’ – Ron Atkinson…


5 2) Artifical Intelligence Okay, so these tend to go evil and take over the world, and at best only serve as the subject of heinous moral dilemmas (‘should I be thanking my intellitoilet for performing a service or should it be thanking me for giving it a gift?’) but pretty much all futurologists of the last century were agreed that the new millennium would see lifts able to conduct a decent argument (‘no, I won’t turn it off; I happen to like that music and I’m the one driving’). Instead, after throwing a lot of money at the problem the cutting edge appears to be heads with eyes that follow you around the room and faux-Freudians. It’s not wrong to feel cheated by the fact you don’t have a programmable minion that you can exploit in a way that will make humanity deserving of its eventual destruction at the hands of its cybernetic progeny. 3) Future Architecture We’re supposed to all be living in geodesic domes, or at the very least oddly shaped buildings with lots of glass. There are ways to compensate for this lack, sure, but I’m still bitter as the last time I was chucked out of the law faculty they confiscated my sleeping bag. 4) Space Ships Given that before the 60s were out we landed a man on the moon and returned him safely to the Earth, it wouldn’t have been irrational to have expected we might have made a bit more progress on the space exploration front since then. At least we finally have an orbiting space station (no planet with intelligent life should go without) but even it doesn’t look like space stations are supposed to look. Space stations are supposed to be sleek, vast and principally cylindrical.

Let’s face it, it’s not exactly the Death Star.

…‘A rough-coated dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough and fell into his slough coughing and hiccoughing’ contains 9 ways of pronouncing ‘ough’…


6 5) Aliens One thing which makes the future easy to recognise is the presence of aliens. So far, however, the only technological exchange which has taken place between homo sapiens and an extra-terrestrial species was when the Ikea taught us how to make flat pack furnishings in return for the secret of digital watches, and that was way back in the 80s! If personal testimony can be believed, aliens spend most of their time messing with the defecatory organs of lonely farmers in the American Midwest. Still, if we keep sending things like the Arecibo message out, it’s no wonder they’re giving us a wide berth. For one thing, it clearly implies that Pluto is a planet. (Come on people! If you’re going to live in the future you have to move with the times). Still, this isn’t the kind of intimate relationship with our star-brethren which science fiction taught us to expect.

6) FLYING CARS! And last, but definitely not least: sci-fi seems to have had a general consensus for the first two -thirds of last century that we would have flying cars early in the new millennium. Back To The Future promised hoverboards by 2015. It doesn’t seem like much to ask: we have cars, we have vertical take off airplanes – just combine the two. Well friends, I have good news: a slightly crazy man from California called Dr Paul Moller has done just that and

Ha, good one Paul. Now what was it you really wanted to show us?

the M400 Skycar can be yours for a mere $1,000,000 down payment (Skycars may begin production as soon as 2013 ). We have a lot of catching up to do, but we may just get there after all. …the very first Playboy centrefold was Marilyn Monroe, in 1953…the first Humvee for civilian use was bought by Arnold Schwarzenegger: it was seven feet wide…


El Sidictionary

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Boatie Supplement Following the success of the 12-volume Old English Sidictionary*, EL S ID is pleased to publish this supplement on the often confusing world of rowing technical jargon. -ed.

The author and editor accept no responsibility for any grief and/or quarrels caused by this list of accurate** definitions of boatie terms, designed to be of particular use for non-boaties. Alcohol ban n . two words that make sense on their own, but when put together, are completely nonsensical, like lentil moustache or sexual patio. Hence, a term which causes much confusion amongst non-boaties. BCD n. Boataic aCid Diethylamide. A drug, similar to LSD, use of which coincides with Boat Club Dinner. Allows boaties to get really drunk without any tutting from their captains or coaches. Bumps n. well-endowed females’ chests when wearing sports bras. Blades n. in less civilised cities than this, lone walkers fear these on their streets. The weapon of choice of the Cockney. Boat Club Dinner n. an experiment, performed once a term, in which the boaties, for one night only, stop complaining about boats, crabs, flags and mornings and have (and indeed are encouraged to have) some fun. Usually results in vomit and/or hangovers (which in turn brings more complaining), and the immortal line ‘never again’. Bow v. what boaties think those who practice other sports should do to them. * not a real publication ** not accurate … a Bible from 1632 missed out one word and came to be known as the ‘Wicked Bible’. What was the word? They missed out ‘not’ from ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’…


8 Bow Ball n. if male boaties spend too long sitting on those hard wooden rowing seats, they will face the terrible affliction of Bow Ball. Not to give too much information (it’s particularly nasty), but they go square and make a clanking noise when hit together. The Cam n. a large slice of cooked pork. Geddit? Th[i]C[k] [h]am. And yes, that was the best I could come up with. CCAT n. or Sea-Cat. A mythical catfish, sacred to boaties. Catch A Crab v. itchy Cox n. along with Testeez, part of the male genitalia. Drawing v. if the result of a race is too close to call the winner, it is settled by Drawing. This involves a Draw, similar to the battles popular in the Wild West (see Back to the Future Part III for visual evidence), but with rowing oars instead of pistols and being smacked on the head rather than being shot. Erg n. the noise a boatie makes when reminded in the bar that he/she has a 6:30am outing the following day. Feathering v. when rowing past another boat, teams are allowed [under rule 2 (a), subsection (iii)] to use a long feather to tickle under the noses of the rival boaties, inducing giggles and, possibly, a massive crash. 1st & 3rd n. one is better than the silver medal position, the other slightly worse. What are you, an idiot? Front Stops / Back Stops n. the dying sensations of many a dedicated boatie. First the whole of the front half of one’s body ceases to function, then, moments later, the same thing happens to one’s back half. A painful way to go, doctors believe it is caused by not enough lie-ins, too little alcohol the day before races and taking boats, water and oars too seriously.

… there is a word for the action of watching someone eat in the hope they will offer you some: Groaking…’seppuku’, the Japanese ritual suicide, means literally ‘belly splitting’…


9 Head Of The River n. a particularly delightful experience, calming and stress relieving. Hmm, what’s that? Oh! Head ‘of’ the river! I thought you said ‘on’. Oh, I dunno, something to do with winning. LMBC n. pronounced lumbacca. Your guess is as good as mine. Possibly part of some code used by boaties to confuse the rest of us. Or maybe Chewbacca’s half-sister. Lycra n. in the late eighties/early nineties, all sane people disposed of their ‘fashionable’ clothing. Soon after, ninja-boaties were sent to the landfill sites to procure said items of clothing for use in competitive events. Hence, the garments worn by boaties today. Morning Outings n. A particularly harsh insult. During a funeral, one reveals that the deceased, or a member of the congregation, is a homosexual. I have no idea what this has to do with rowing. Over Bump v. uncomfortable. Like driving over sleeping policemen, but in a rowing boat, and on water. Racks Out n. if builders watched rowing, this is what they would shout out to the women’s boats. But they don’t, they watch football, a much better sport. The Reach n. short-lived superhero, whose special power was that he could get things down from high up shelves. Rowing Week n. experienced by couples, housemates, builders, partners (business, life and in crime), this consists of seven days of continuous arguing, due to two people realising they fucking hate each other. Sometimes closely followed by make-up sex. Although that’s more rare in the case of the builders. Sandwich Boat n. the greatest vessel ever to sail the seas. Many a hungry sailor has been saved by the mythical Sandwich Boat, which deposits everyone’s favourite lunchtime nibble with the filling of the famished mariner’s choice.

…Led Zeppelin has a tribute band called Whole Lotta Led, Queen’s is The Royal Family, The Eagles have The Illegal Eagles and Abba’s is, of course Bjorn Again…


10 Spinning v. How one would describe non-boaties’ heads when boaties are having a conversation about boats and other boatie bullshit. Splash Top n. after a few hours puffing and panting, this item is needed to prevent unwanted wetness in the chest area usually caused by an oncoming unpredictable wave of liquid. Spoons n. a severely underrated musical instrument, played by solemn, weeping boaties after a particularly unlucky run of races. Stroke n. all boaties enjoy a good stroke of the ol’ oar every once in a while. SSBC n. Before being adopted as a competitive sport, the only time when one would consider rowing. Stands for Several Seconds Before Capsizing. Other than that, it’s just too much like hard work. Sailing is easier, and motorboats are sexier. Take A Tap v. to steal one of the faucets used to fill up the river that the boaties row on. Winding v. abbreviation of Winding Up (of rowers). A favourite activity of nonboaties, especially when we’ve had a few more hours sleep than them or can drink copious amounts of alcohol the night before they have a race. Row Over v. abbreviation of to Row Over Land. An unconventional method of racing, usually resulting in last position due to the unsuitability of the rowing boat, traditionally a water-based craft. Cox Box n. protection device worn by male boaties. Useful, what with all those blades about the place. The Hard n. Ray Winstone’s character in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, unfortunately cut from the final version of the film. Stern adj. the look on a boatie’s face as they read this.

…the word ‘fez’ is Turkish for hat…’Sahara’ means desert…the Sanskrit word meaning ‘War’ means literally ‘desire for more cows’…before planes ‘jet lag’ was called ’boat lag’…


11 When I ran for election as EL S ID Editor, I promised to nag and nag at people until they wrote for me. Unfortunately, I have discovered that some people respond well to pressure, and some people just…snap. If you push too hard, you get something like this. - ed.

Michael I have written you a lovely story for E L S ID (NB I would appreciate this being kept as an anonymous contribution as I am not proud) STORY Once upon a time there was an egg called Poo. He went to the beach for a swim. While he was swimming a little boy called Seba7stian (his parents, Corne4lius and Feli9city, could not spell) found him. He shouted across to his parents. "Look Mummy and Daddy, there's an egg in the sea!" he called. His parents came running. "My name's Poo!" yelled the egg back, but no one heard him, because eggs can't talk, can they? (If you thought they could, you're as thick as the people who decided to call their son Seba7stian). So no-one heard, and Seba7stian picked up the egg and took it to his parents. "My name's Poo!" yelled Poo again, and again no-one heard him because eggs can't talk and anyway, who listens to eggs apart from this guy called Clive who I know who never leaves his bedroom and eats nothing but carpet underlay. Anyway, Seba7stian took the egg back to his caravan with him that night and boiled it for tea. And he ate it. Now the trouble began, because Poo the egg was not a normal chicken or even bird egg, but he was a dog egg. In other words, a turd. Now you see why he was called Poo! So Seba7stian ate a poo for his tea! How strange. Now the big revelationSeba7stian's father, Corne4lius, had actually laid the egg that Seba7stian was eating. So it wasn't a dog's egg after all! Corne4lius just dropped his pants in the sea when no-one was looking and laid it. So now you see why he had to agree with his son's story that it was an egg! Otherwise, he would have been rumbled, and the Miami Beach police would have arrested him for pooing in the sea. (In case you're wondering why Feli9city never realised her son had a poo and not an egg, it was because she was blind.) THE END

…the real name of the Looney Tunes music is ‘The Merry-go-round is Broken Down’…In 1983 one Japanese artist made a perfect replica of the Mona Lisa out of toast…


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Sidney Sussex RAG Auction 2008

Our gracious hosts

A cap-ital offence

In pole position

…the most bullets ever fired in a movie were fired in Starship Troopers…Luke Skywalker’s last name was originally ‘Starkiller’ but was changed because it was ‘too violent’…


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Oi, are you looking at my Bird’s (Custard)

Taken into custardy

A classic bodyslam-brosia cream custard

…in the comics and recent movie, the Hulk’s name is Bruce Banner. In the old TV series and TV movies it was Robert Banner. Apparently Bruce sounded ‘too gay’…


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Egg-stremely unpleasant

The editor shows off his assets

Assault and battery (eggs)

…‘Fido’ is Latin for ‘faithful’…the 50,000 word novel ‘Gadsby’ by Ernest Vincent Wright contains no words with the letter ‘e’…every minute in the world 47 Bibles are sold…


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I know it looks like ‘sloragob’ but that says SID RAG 08

You will pay. You will all pay

The full Sidney

…Charles Dickens, Henry VIII, Sigmund Freud and Mozart all fell in love with their wife’s sister…While Saddam Hussein, Albert Einstein and Queen Victoria married their cousins…


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Cinderella’s Tribute to the most frequently played tune in the most frequented club in Cambridge You have my student card And we hope we’ll never be barred May be in third year We’ll get a queue jump for here But till then in the dark We’ll wait as the crowds part Just to get in there It takes hours but we don’t care Because [Chorus] When the music starts we’ll dance together Told you I'd be in here forever Said I would be coming here again Took an oath I'm gonna stick it out till the end Although the music’s worse than ever Know that we'll have to stick together Because we can’t leave Cinderella’s No we can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh) Can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh) Can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh) Can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

…at the height of Weimar Germany’s inflation in the 1920s, one pound was worth one quintillion marks… any Rubik’s cube combination can be solved within seventeen turns…


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We’ll form a ring, won’t let anyone in between They push continuously, those ones from Trinity But when you’ve been served at the bar You can forget just where you are Singing from your heart, from Cindy’s we’ll never part Because [Chorus] When the music starts we’ll dance together Told you I'd be in here forever Said I would be coming here again Took an oath I'm gonna stick it out till the end Although the music’s worse than ever Know that we'll have to stick together Because we can’t leave Cinderella’s No we can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh) Can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh) Can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh) Can’t leave Cinderella’s (Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh) It's raining Ooh baby it's raining We live 50 yards away So we’ll run on in the rain It's raining Oh baby it's raining

…every day in America, 18 acres of pizza are consumed…cans of Diet Coke floats, Coke does not …Al Capone’s business card said he was a furniture salesman…


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A Day In The Life Of An…

8:45

English Student

Rudely awoken by those damn science students going out to 9am lectures. Roll over and fall back to sleep.

8:47

Pages read: 0. Words written: 0. Hours of sleep: 7. 11:20 11:25 11:30

Woken up by bedder vacuuming in corridor. Stumble out of bed and make a strong cup of some caffeinated beverage. Check Facebook.

Units of caffeine: 2, v. good. Pages read: 0. Words written: 0. Hours of sleep: 10, Mmmmmm. Facebook minutes: 23

12:00 12:07 12:33

Enter library, find book. Book falls to floor as student slumps on the desk through lack of sleep. Woken up by the very loud pen-scratching of a history student at the next desk.

Pages read: 3, bad. Words written: 0, v. bad. Hours of sleep: 10.5.

…American President James Garfield could write Greek with one hand and Latin with the other at the same time…President Taft was so fat that he had to be pried from his bathtub…


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12:35

Feeling peckish and in need of serious caffeine fix. Head to Costa, and find fellow English students lounging on the downstairs sofas.

Units of caffeine: 17 (triple espresso), bad.

14:07 15:00

15:53

Damn. Caffeine-induced memory loss means lunchtime Neighbours has been missed. Go to Practical Criticism Class (don’t worry, we don’t know what it is either). Sit on stairs outside supervisor’s room playing word games. Finally realise supervisor has become lost in the depths of the UL. Costa time. Again.

Units of caffeine: 23, v. bad. Pages read: 3, bad. Words written: 0, v. bad.

17:30: 18:00 18:45

Remember to watch Neighbours. New advert break reduces reading time by a further 5 minutes. Hall. Play the ‘How many types of carbohydrate can you fit on one plate?’ game. Success: five!* Gossip interrupted by being thrown out of hall.

* For those of you interested in the nutritional values of Hall food compared to the productivity of Cambridge undergraduates, the five types of carbohydrate were: samosa; pasta; rice; roast potatoes and a bread roll.

… Taft’s dining room chair was reinforced with steel…President Harrison gave the longest Inauguration speech ever, during a snowstorm, and then died of pneumonia a month later…


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18:53 18:56 19:43 19:57

Check Facebook. Discover your friend’s weird blind date has poked you. Stress. Start a discussion about possible English formal swap. Discover that all other ‘englings’ are also online. Write essay question. Look up poet of choice on Wikipedia/SparkNotes. Word count: 34. Add intelligent quotation, also courtesy of SparkNotes.

Word count: 105. 3% of essay done. Very productive. 20:03

Head to Sidney bar. Lose half student loan to ItBox.

Words written: 105, good. Pages read: 3 (Internet pages: 7). Facebook minutes: 70. Alcohol units: 5, v. v. good. 23:17 23:31 00:47 01:07 01:23 03:53

Head to another English student’s room to play an intensely intelligent game of chocolate Scrabble. Game has degraded to seeing who can make the most rude words. Micky wins. Return to room. Check Facebook. Cannot sleep due to excessive number of caffeine units. Toss and turn for 2.5 hours. Sleep. Have a bizarre dream involving a porcupine and Philip Sidney in the pigeonhole room. Zzzzzzz…

Words written: 105, good. Pages read: 3, bad. Facebook minutes: 86, bad. Alcohol units: 7, good. Caffeine units: 23, v. v. v. bad. Hours of sleep: never enough.

…in Athens, a man’s driving licence can be revoked if he is ‘unbathed’ or ‘poorly dressed’ at the wheel…the sound of ET walking was made by someone’s hand pressing into jelly…


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Tales of a Haphazard Escape The story behind Daniel Gorton and Bryan Ghosh’s Jailbreak attempt To say things got off to a good start would be beyond an exaggeration, and in fact would be a downright lie. Mere hours before Jailbreak was due to commence, Dan got an email telling him that his supervision had been rearranged to the following morning, and that he must attend it on pain of death (paraphrasing, obviously). This was bad. The supervision was in Cambridge. The point of Jailbreak is that you have 36 hours to get as far away from Cambridge as possible. And Cambridge is not very far away from Cambridge. So Dan pleaded with the supervisor, and with the Director of Studies, and begged to get the supervision rearranged back to the following week. He was told to piss the fuck off, and get down to some bloody work you useless wanker. (Paraphrasing again). So, what would we do? Well, on the morning of Jailbreak, I went to lectures. It was an unorthodox approach to hitchhiking, I’ll give you that. Faced with the prospect of not even getting out of the city until 10am the following day, when only 11 hours would be left of Jailbreak, we decided to head down to the beer festival in the evening to try and raise some money for our cause. Any money we raised during the time of Jailbreak was allowed to be spent on travel, so we thought we might try and whip together a few quid to go towards a coach fare out of Cambridge the next day, or something. We didn’t have huge expectations, but it was worth a shot. That night, we raised £115.19. It wouldn’t have been so much, but at one point we managed to bump into the person who had been organising the entire festival. We explained what we had been doing. “Great,” he said, “I’ll let you do that. If you do something for me.” “Okay…” we replied, uncertain of what we could be in for. This man was managing to be both bald and long-haired. It was difficult to judge the situation. “Come through here,” he said, leading us through a doorway that was confusingly labelled ‘staff only’. “I’ve got two more volunteers here.” And so we ended up accidentally volunteering behind the bar of a CAMRA beer

…the only McDonalds without golden arches is in Paris, white was felt to be less ‘tacky’… In Washington, no building is allowed to be higher than the Washington Monument…


22 festival, serving curiously-named ale to strangers whilst simultaneously asking them to donate to our Jailbreak cause. It worked surprisingly well so the next, day after Dan’s supervision (which his supervisor was apparently ‘visibly shocked’ to see him attend), we set off with high hopes of getting out of the country. Within half an hour we successfully blagged ourselves a coach out of Cambridge to Stansted, where we spent approximately an hour wasting our time in front of unamused airline staff. Realising the futility of this situation, we gave up and managed to blag ourselves a train from Stansted to Liverpool Street instead. However we really wanted to be in London Victoria, as this would be our portal to Dover. We wanted to be in Dover because, let’s face it, it’s a place whose sole purpose is to help you get out of it. And when you’re trying to hitchhike, that’s the kind of place you want to be. We got off the train at Tottenham Hale, which is just one of many places on the outskirts of London that I never knew existed and have no particular interest in. But we got off because it had a tube stop, and we wanted to blag a ride to Victoria. We went up to a guy behind a till to ask him what he thought about the whole idea of being nice and pleasant and good-natured. He seemed to quite like the idea, but his supervisor (who appeared to have a face made of pure intolerance) forbade it. So we stayed and whinged and made a fuss and eventually, out of sheer distaste for our persistence, Mr Arsey Supervisor Man the Second relented and let us go. So we rode to Tube for free. Sorted. The next challenge came at London Victoria where, it seemed, the platform manager in charge of the Dover trains had spent the last 24 hours growing steadily sick of Cambridge Jailbreakers coming along and asking for free rides. So when we had the nerve to ask for one as well, he told us in no short terms that we should go away and leave him alone to his petulant sulking. So, by preventing us from getting a train, he became the third dislikeable character to hinder our Jailbreak efforts. I’m thinking of making them all little badges. So we went off to try and get a coach. We asked several companies if we could get one for free, it being for charity and all, but seemed to get nowhere. Then we went to National Express… "...so, it's for a charity, and we've got to get as far away as possible by 9pm

…Keanu means ‘Cool breeze over the mountains’ in Hawaiian… Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones were roommates in college… A car is stolen every 30 seconds in the United States …


23 tonight, is there any chance you could help us out?" "Ah, see we used to do that," said the woman behind the desk. Ooh, we thought, this looks good. "But we don't do it anymore." What? How do you 'stop' doing something like this? What makes you decide to 'stop' being generous and charitable? Some sort of twisted New Years Resolution? "So I'm afraid you'll have to pay if you want to go to Dover." It wasn't too bad, it was only £12 each so we didn't eat into our beer-festivaltakings too much. But still, it would have been far nicer of them to let us go on the (practically empty) coach for free. It was a long and tedious journey, during which the most interesting occurrence was not visiting the University of Kent. When we reached Dover it was already dark. We only had 3 hours left of Jailbreak and decided that if we could simply get out of the country it would be decently satisfactory. However, hitching onto a ferry was made decidedly more difficult by the complete absence of cars. The place was deserted. So again we resigned to having to pay to get on (only £9 each, though) in order to secure ourselves a visit to France for the evening. We arrived there at 8:05pm, got off the ferry, showed our passports, took a photo of ourselves looking unenthusiastic under a map of Calais, got a French newspaper from an equally French security guard, checked back in again, got on the same ferry at 8:20 and headed back to Dover. Pfft. Tourists. That challenge wasn’t over, though. We may have got to Calais in the time limit, but there was still the teensy little problem of getting back to Cambridge. We didn’t want to spend any money, so we decided to try and hitch our way back, even though it was now 9pm and that decision would inevitably lead to our spending the night by the roadside somewhere, waiting feebly for lifts that would almost certainly never come. But hey, we were living on a budget here. We started asking round on the ferry to see if anyone was heading our way, and if they were willing to give two bedraggled Cambridge students a lift at all. The first people we asked said they were going to Biggleswade, and that yes they would give us a lift. Excellent. We had struck Bedfordshire. We arrived at the 24-hour service station at about half past midnight. We were

…George W. Bush is the only president to not have had anything of his printed when he was sworn into office…Winston Churchill claimed to have seen Lincoln’s ghost…


24 dropped off by our kindly lift-givers and we decided to head into the services to see if we could blag a lift from anyone in there for the final 25 miles of the journey. But as we approached, something looked wrong. It looked awfully… dark for a 24-hour service station. And surprisingly… closed for a 24-hour service station. One might even be as rash as to conclude, given the emptiness of the car park and the complete absence of life around the building, that the service station wasn’t in fact 24-hours. But we didn’t want to jump to conclusions. We were completely shattered and we had but two choices – fall asleep where we stood (an extremely tempting option, were it not for the fact we were still in the car park), or attempt somehow to get a lift back to Cambridge and our warm, comfy beds. We chose the latter, and meandered over to the nearby petrol station, which was providing the only evidence of life for as far as the eye could see. There were two people filling up their car. They looked about our age, not too chavvy/yobby/delinquenty, so we decided to take a gamble and ask them. Lo, they offered us a lift to Cambridge. So we clambered into the back of their Corsa, where we were offered leg room that was approximately 2 inches smaller than the width of an average person’s leg. This was to be the least of our worries, however. Now, the first sign that we had that maybe these two folks probably weren't entirely law-abiding citizens, was when we were blasting through 40mph zones at over 100. This was our first clue. The second came when our friendly driver casually mentioned the strawberry-flavoured vodka he'd been swigging earlier that evening, recalling that it was actually rather pleasant, to his mild surprise. So by now me and Dan were already exchanging looks across the back seat – the kind of looks which tried to say 'oh dear, these people seem a bit dodgy, I hope they're actually going to take us home instead of kidnapping and mugging us, that is assuming we don't actually crash and die horribly before we reach anywhere where they can stop to get out and beat us up' with sole movement of the eyes. We can communicate quite well nowadays. The main worrying revelation came a few minutes later, however, when our dear driver had to pull over to answer to a phone call. During the exchange, it became apparent that our driver was being asked to provide something to a peer… something for a cost, it would seem… something that certain people run out of and

…It’s clearly a budget, it’s got a lot of numbers in it.’ – George W. Bush…’We are going to have the best educated American people in the world!’ – Dan Quayle…


25 have a craving for at quarter to one on a Sunday morning. So after arranging to sell about ‘a quarter’ of such a substance (we assumed it to be margarine), our courteous chauffeur hung up and there was an awkward silence in the car for a brief moment. “Um, sorry about that. Do you want any, by the way?” Well, it was only polite to ask, I suppose. Charming fellow. Nevertheless, we declined. During the rest of the journey, we discovered that he was also trying to sell his rather sizeable firearm, and that we were actually sharing the back seat with a very sharp flick knife. At one point, while speeding through a village at about 80mph, swigging from a can of lager and showing his mate a picture of the gun he was trying to flog, he paused for a moment and reflected: "Hmm. I hope there are no cops about." We were very happy to get out of that car. He'd offered to drop us off right at our college, but we declined politely and were dropped off just outside of town. To be honest, we weren't entirely happy with the thought of this man knowing where we lived. It had been a very interesting experience, our last ride, and thanks in part to the ridiculous speed at which we hurtled towards Cambridge, we had made it all the way from Calais to Cambridge in a little over 4 hours. Having been probably the latest Jailbreakers ever to leave Cambridge, we were probably the first ones back as well. So in conclusion, it was a time of contrast. We did quite well to get out of the country given less than a third of the time, and even better to get back again so quickly. But still, Calais is a massive disappointment put next to everyone else's achievements – Doug Brand getting to Budapest, for example, and the winners managing to get to Iceland and southern Spain. Astonishingly though, we didn't come last. I couldn't believe it when I saw the table of results, but we weren't quite at the bottom! Scrolling down the table, the team who came last were... The team who cycled to Oxford. Oh.

… Michael Caine’s real name is Maurice Micklewhite… Cilla Black was born Cilla White…there are 45 miles of nerves in the human body… Goldfish are used in making lipstick…


How To Survive

26

The Rise Of The Zombies (If It Happens During Full Term) Realistically, if you haven’t made at least some preparations for the day the dead rise to wreck their bloody vengeance upon the living you are being profoundly irresponsible. This document aims to be a simple guide on how to maximise you chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse if it happens during term time. Method #1 – Become an Evangelical Christian It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that if the legions of the dead started walking the Earth, feasting on the bodies of the living then it’s probably the apocalypse. If it is then a fair number of evangelicals apparently expect themselves to be spared the conflict in ‘the rapture’. If this approach seems appealing, this guide recommends you contact CICCU. We shall proceed on the assumption that for whatever reason you’d rather engage in a fight to the dead with locomotive cadavers. Method #2 – Step 1: Run Away! Pay attention to the news. When it starts talking saying things like ‘some people say the dead are rising from the grave. The government has dismissed such claims as superstition’ that’s your cue. Move fast. Go to Sainsbury’s and stock up on canned and dried food. Don’t be afraid to use Clive as a human canary: can you hear him selling Big Issues? Then it’s still safe to shop. You may want to get some bottled water as well. If there isn’t any left, you can buy Sainsbury’s Basics Lager instead. It’s basically the same and there’s no risk looters will have taken it. …In 1980, the only country without telephones was Bhutan…the most extras ever used in a film was 300,000 for Ghandi in 1981…each person’s tongue-print is unique…


27

Step 2: Arm Yourself Get a weapon. Maybe even two. It’s no good looking for a gun, the nearest ones are probably in the police station off Parkside. Focus instead on what is readily at hand. Ideally you want a bludgeon, but LARGE KNIVES will do in a pinch. If you have no other choice you may have to use nearby bottles or rolled up newspapers. Bear in mind: TCS has more stopping power than Varsity.

Step 3: Fighting Zombies At some point you’ll almost certainly have to fight the undead. Their capabilities are similar to a normal humans, but the fact that they don’t feel pain makes them able to push themselves a little harder (making them excellent rowers, if lacking in technique). 1. Aim for the head. Blunt force trauma to the head should finish a zombie for good. Remember; a pool cue is a stabbing weapon, not a bludgeon. 2. Don’t get bitten. This will ruin your day. Also try not to get carried away and start biting the zombies yourself. 3. Make Good Use of Your Surroundings. Climb on top of things. Throw stuff. Exploit readily available ‘mobile bio-armour’. 4. Don’t Go and See What the Noise Is. 5. Scream a lot. It won’t achieve anything. It may even bring other nearby zombies to ‘Go and See What the Noise Is’ but it adds a certain quality to the atmosphere which might otherwise be lacking. This may be the only apocalypse you’ll get; you should make the most of it. …not one of the 13 actors who played Charlie Chan in movies, radio, Broadway or TV was Chinese or of Chinese ancestry… in Tyrkey, violet is worn for mourning…


28

Step 4: Where to Go. In the event that you are trapped within Sidney grounds during a zombie outbreak, the first thing to establish is where the zombies are coming from (and go the other way).

The West wall of Chapel court poses no real difficulty to anyone trying to climb it. While Tony might be expected to eliminate a few hundred cadavers, eventually the main gate will be overrun. With luck the back gate will be locked and the back wall is probably too complicated for a zombie, but even if both car park gates are shut you can expect some jackass will try to leave Sussex house via the door to Hobson street, so Sussex House will likely become another point of entry. …you might have noticed YKK written on the fly zippers of Levi’s jeans – it stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world’s largest zipper manufacturer…


29

Open spaces will quickly become infested, with nowhere to hide and most of the old staircases have only one exit. If you can get onto the roof of Hall Court you might be reasonably safe, until you run out of food, but you risk bumping into zombie-Keith. He shall be fast, and he shall be deadly. You best chance for survival lies in getting to either Garden or Blundell. One can be reached directly from the other without much difficulty, and both have multiple easily defensible entrances and exits to each building. Blundell is by far to be preferred as if the bar can be reclaimed it can serve as a source of much needed booze sustenance (drumsticks are more nutritious than vitamin tablets - fact) and Garden may be zealously garden by Mrs Mellows from beyond the grave. As in life, light flirtation should suffice but beware her hungry mawl. There is no known defence against an undead CRL: under no circumstances risk going into the library. When you get settled in, you should ZOMBIE probably write a message on the roof. ‘HELP’ or ‘ALIVE’ are old favourites. Try to restrain you’re creativity. Writing ‘TURNING AND TURNING IN THE WIDENING GYRE THE FALCON CANNOT HEAR THE FALCONER’ might be apt, but will put off helicopter pilots that don’t like Yeats. Step 5: De-Sensitisation The biggest problem in any zombie outbreak is that the dead look like the friends and relatives of the living, which makes the slaughter socially awkward. The ideal preparation would be to practice killing your friends before the zombies show up, so you’re ready to do it when you have to, but certain laws prohibit this. If you find bludgeoning cohorts to a death beyond death difficult, try to make a game of it. Pretend you’re out paintballing. See how many you can exterminate in an hour. To be forewarned is to be forearmed, so go get yourself a cricket bat and some basics lager and wait for the zombie apocalypse and with a bit of luck you may just survive it. …the Earth spins faster on its axis in September than it does in March… around the world, more people eat Herring than any other kind of fish…every continent has a city called Rome…


30

Sidney Lamb Chop Reading 3rd annual report Society This term saw one night, and one night only of action – an intense all night session of literary perambulation with Clare’s female reading society, the Book Worm Bints. What started as a friendly, affable library swap soon morphed into an all night library crawl with seriously debauched results. The night started with us huddled together in Sidney library, each ensconced in our reading. Richard was faring well, gently nursing a chapter from Wittgenetein’s Culture and Value. However, one of Clare’s Book Worm Bints deviously “noted” poor Rich. Noting is an ancient tradition of Cambridge reading societies whereby a five pound note is dropped on your book. The noted individual then has to read and note to the end of the chapter as fast as he can. So, having furiously summarised Wittgenstein’s critique of Kierkegaard’s philosophy on three sheets of A4 in only six and a half minutes, Richard set out with vengeance in mind. Of course, a hallowed law of the Lamb Chop’s reading society is that a noted individual cannot go on to note their previous noter, so taking note of this law, Richard gave a fiver to doting Rob, who obliged to punish Richard’s noting nemesis. Rob found the bint in question and sprang from behind a bookshelf, slamming a note on her open copy of Keynes’ The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money. Both groups gathered round chanting “note, note, note” as she scribbled away. Having summarized The Principle of Effective Demand in just two minutes and twenty three seconds, we all broke into song: “We like to read with Becky, ‘cos Becky is our mate, we read in moderation... (come on, you all know the words)”. Unfortunately our fun was cut short by the stone cold stare of the librarian. So we moved on to the SPS library to get as many political insights as we could manage before closing time.

…in his first appearance in 1935, Bugs Bunny was called ‘Happy Rabbit’… Genghis Khan is said to have killed over a million people in one hour in the year 1221…


31

We were now too caught up in the flow to manage any more chapters, so we lined up a row of quotes and took it in turns to speed read them. Lucy from Clare found me a Rousseau, an Irving Kristol and some good old Engels, so I steadied myself and then... read them all in a row without even breathing! Fucking hell. Never mix early enlightenment, neo-conservatism and Marxism all in one evening – my head felt like death the next morning. High on knowledge, i stumbled into Becky, who was staggering around trying to make sense of Derrida. We brushed cheeks and i placed my hand on the small of her back. The erotic transfer of knowledge proved overwhelming; before i knew it we were fumbling our way to Sidney shouting metaphysical poetry to the night’s sky. Back in my room we passionately read pages of The Picture of Dorian Gray as we stared into each other’s eyes. Exhausted by intellectual endeavors, Becky and I fell asleep in each other’s arms, dreaming of Descartes. The next morning was a little awkward, getting up for my 9 o clock in the cold light of day – did we really profess our love over a copy of Hard Dickens’ Times... sorry, Dickens’s Hard Times? We said a stilted goodbye, and as I walked to the Sidgewick I passed Richard, hair tousled and clothes half undone reciting Newton’s three laws of motion to himself as he tried to find his way home. Clearly a big night for him as well. All good fun and games, bring on next term and our library swap with King’s PhD reading society the ????. Let’s hear three chapters for the Lamb Chops, read read and note! Read read and note! Read read and note!

…19 of the 25 highest mountains on Earth are in the Himalayas… there are no living relatives of William Shakespeare… the Empire State Building contains over 10 million bricks…


32

The Waste Basket By T.O. Ilets Fifth is the cruellest week, blending Flu with essay crises, mixing Vodka and beer, hiding Under duvets with tea. Winter kept us warm, Cromwell Heating is now on. The essay surprised us, becoming over complicated So we drank coffee, and talked for an hour, Well much of the night, and slept in the morning. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ (Some verses lost: waste basket emptied) Shall I at least set my notes in order? These post- its I have stuck against my books Why then I'll lose them. And have to do again. Damn. Damnation. Dammit. Shalln't do it. Shalln't do it. Shalln't do it.

…the average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes… in western China, Tibet and Mongolia it is customary to add salt to tea rather than sugar…


33

The Raven Once upon a midnight dreary, while I studied, eyesight bleary, Through a dusty copy of Utopia by Thomas More – While I nodded, nearly sleeping, suddenly there came a bleeping – It was my phone gently beeping – beeping as it has before. ‘A text message,’ I muttered, ‘that I shall probably just ignore; From that irksome girl, Lenore.’ I recall that Sunday last: my essay going nowhere fast, And my deadline almost past; of finishing I was not sure. To relieve the mounting sorrow of the essay due tomorrow, From my books I sought to “borrow”, ideas concerning Thomas More. But my phone to me did beckon, and this work was such a bore; More studying, I could not endure. The text, it was an invite: ‘pls pls will u come out 2nite, u no that i am always rite, hugs n kisses, luv lenore.’ Over the issue I debated, but I think my night was fated; Of course I’d leave the work I hated, in exchange for the dance floor. But my essay was a worry, so leaving, I did set the score: ‘Only an hour, nothing more.’

…giraffes can go longer without water than camels can… the Rolling Stones’ song Satisfaction is played over 300 times a day on American radio… Starfish have no brains…


34

Aided by a potent drink, the hour passed within a blink, And my spirits began to sink; the essay I could not ignore. At my watch I kept on glancing, but I wished to keep on dancing, And although I really can’t sing, still I sang louder than before, Even though it dawned on me, the playlist really was quite poor; Only WHAM and nothing more. Disaster struck, I swear it’s true, to the floor I lost a shoe, Where it went I’d not a clue, and my foot was getting sore. Alas, both feet were really stuck, to this layer of sticky muck, To this gluey, grisly yuck - yuck which lined the nightclub floor. Not to be seen outside again, were those lovely shoes I wore; They would be found nevermore. Essay waiting, needed writing, I had no time for fruitless fighting With adhesive-covered quilting; this rug was evil that’s for sure. And I was weeping all the while, to be released from carpet vile, Liberated from this gummy pile – and I did cry down to the floor: ‘Oh clammy floor, please let me go, for I cannot reach the door, And return to Thomas More!’ This cursed nightclub – Life – has brought me naught but pain and strife, This hellish, subterranean dive, with its god-forsaken floor. Ah! You too will not help agreeing, that this club on first seeing Is not fit for any human being – do not go there, I implore; To this day, still am I stuck, and from this fiendish, sticky floor I will be freed – NEVERMORE!!

…in 16th century Turkey coffee drinking was a capital offence… pound for pound, grasshoppers are three times as nutritious as beef… it takes 9 muscles to twitch your ear…


Food & Drink Section

Snoop’s Soup Scoop Today’s Soup: Tomato For the first Snoop’s Soup Scoop, we’ve decided to go with a classic soup, the tomato. We lined up five soups for the blind taste test:

Sainsbury’s Cream of Tomato Soup £0.35 400g 11.4g/p Campbell’s Cream of Tomato Condensed Soup £0.52 295g (condensed - makes double) 11.3g/p

Heinz Classic Cream of Tomato Soup £0.47 300g 6.4g/p Weight Watchers from Heinz Tomato Soup £0.54 295g 5.5g/p Sainsbury’s Basics Creamed Tomato Soup £0.18 400g 22.3g/p

Snoop’s Prediction:

Winner: Campbell’s Loser: Weight Watchers

…James Dean avoided the draft by registering as a homosexual… old grammarians never die, they just slip into a comma… ‘alibi’ is Latin for ‘elsewhere’…

35


36 Soup no. 1: Sainsbury’s Cream of Tomato Soup Reaction: This soup was described as ‘a tangy enterprise’, and although the final verdict was nothing more than ‘satisfactory’, our expert guessed that this soup was in fact the Campbell’s, his predicted winner. Score: 7.5/10 (‘bordering on an 8’)

Soup no. 2: Campbell’s Cream of Tomato Condensed Soup Reaction: The actual Campbell’s fared much less well. At the sniffing stage, Snoop guessed that it was Sainsbury’s basics, and tasting confirmed that it was ‘definitely’ Basics. Despite his protests that ‘I have no problems with Basics’, the soup is eventually shoved disgustedly aside with a cry of ‘why the hell do I keep going back to it’. Score: 4.5/10 Soup no. 3: Heinz Classic Cream of Tomato Soup Reaction: An equivocal reaction to this classic. In the expert’s own words: ‘I can’t say anything bad, can’t say anything good. Possibly the Weight Watchers one, possibly not. Eatable, without wowing the senses.’ Score: 6/10 …there are enough stones in the Great Wall of China to build an 8 foot wall around the equator… the silkworm can spin a thread more than half a mile long…


37 Soup no. 4: Weight Watchers from Heinz Tomato Soup Reaction: Immediate recognition of this soup: ‘Definitely the Weight Watchers one, definitely. The reason I say Weight Watchers is because it’s a bit bland, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Because you can have your wowser soups…Again, not good, not bad. An agreeable soup.’ Score: 6/10

Soup no. 5: Sainsbury’s Basics Creamed Tomato Soup Reaction: Another quick and correct guess, although a much more negative reaction: ‘Mamma Mia! Okay, definitely the Basics. There’s just too much going on! There’s blandness and there’s vibrancy. It’s like a maths lecture. This is a soup destined for the sink’. Score: 3/10

Results Winner: Sainsbury’s Cream of Tomato Soup 7/10 Loser: Sainsbury’s Basics Creamed Tomato Soup 3/10 …Idi Amin was Uganda’s heavyweight boxing champion from 1951-1960… owls are the only bird that can see the colour blue… there are c. 1, 000, 000, 000, 000, 000 ants on Earth…


38

Snoop reacts with shock and awe to the revelation that he gave his favourite to win a mere 4.5/10

The Winner

The Loser

…the longest recorded flight of a paper aeroplane is more than one and a quarter miles… the elephant tree fires a foul-smelling spray at animals attempting to eat its leaves…


39

Thirsty Kirsty’s College Bar-ometer Sidney 10/5 Student run, cheapest alcohol, friendly & relaxed. Need I say more – we’ve all been there?! Remember to drink responsibly though... Christ’s 2/5 Friendly and aesthetically pleasing, but quiet – v.v. quiet.

Emma 5/5 A rival to our own. Cheap prices, good seating, huge TV. Overall a really good bar.

Downing 4/5 Quite expensive but nice leather seats. Went there after formal so needless to say I don’t remember much!

Pembroke 4/5 A series of rooms – bit confusing?! A relaxed bar with plenty of amusements e.g. pool table etc. Ditto formal problem (see above) so can’t tell you about the prices.

Gonville & Caius 0/5 Looked nice…then we were thrown out for not being members.

…nearly half of all psychiatrists have been attacked by a patient… armadillos can walk under water… Einstein’s brain is stored in a jar in a lab in Wichita, Kansas…


St Catz 3/5 Good bar generally, big space, enough chairs – kind of like a bigger Sidney. The toothless barmen & their photos of girls behind the bar lit it down a bit – if you’ve ever been then you’ll know what I mean.

40

Trinity Hall 1/5 One word: tiny. About the size of S11B Garden Court – a very small room & consequently my own. I know for a fact rooms of this size are not designed to hold more than about 4 people. Clare 5/5 Really good. Looks great & is relatively cheap. Also has some great ents. Get there early to avoid disappointment.

King’s 4/5 Large & spacious. Reasonably priced. Sometimes have unusual acts on – notably a barbershop choir with furry music. Check out their cellars too.

Queen’s 4/5 Good size, friendly atmosphere. Make sure to go on the stock exchange nights – but be quick or the price may have changed. New Hall 3/5 Not bad, not great. Quite small & very quiet.

Girton ?/5 I’ve heard its nice…will probably never know.

…the sperm whale can hold its breath for 82 minutes… there are 44 million ways to make bingo on a bingo card… Japan recycles more than half its household and commercial waste…


Games Section

41

Sidney Sussex Bop Trumps™ Rules Sidney Bop Trumps™ is played in exactly the same way as normal Top Trumps. Now, EL SID and its editorial team can in no way endorse ridiculous and immature behaviour like turning this into a drinking game, but if you were to do something so stupid, it would probably look something like this:  If you lose a turn, you must take AS MANY SIPS OF YOUR DRINK AS POINTS YOU LOST BY.  If you play a card featuring any member of your college family, OR the winner of a turn beats you with a card featuring any member of your family, then your penalties are DOUBLED.  If you play a card featuring any member of the college that you have pulled, OR the winner of a turn beats you with a card featuring any you have pulled, then your penalties are TRIPLED.  If you play a card featuring any member of your college family that you have pulled, OR the winner of a turn beats you with a card featuring anybody with whom you have committed Sidney incest, then your penalties are SEXTUPLED.  If you play a card featuring yourself, and lose, then you must DOWN YOUR DRINK.  If you play a card featuring yourself, and win, then with two players the loser DOWNS HIS/HER DRINK, or with more than two players, you may nominate one loser to DOWN HIS/HER DRINK. When one player holds all the cards, he or she then nominates one loser to DOWN ALL THE REMAINING ALCOHOL AT THE TABLE. …the nest of the bald eagle can weigh as much as a ton… fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth is called arachibutyrophobia…


42 ST. JOHN’S WOOD

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

OFFENSIVENESS

9

OFFENSIVENESS

1

SEX APPEAL

6

SEX APPEAL

6

WTF? FACTOR

10

WTF? FACTOR

4

ACCURACY

2

ACCURACY

7

EXPENSE

5

EXPENSE

7

PRACTICALITY

2

PRACTICALITY

3

NOTES: Although it is not immediately obvious what this costume represents, the explanation almost always gets a giggle. Almost. Low on practicality – the erection begins to chafe fairly early and is always in danger of coming loose.

NOTES: Ah, the Turtles. The surprisingly high sex appeal is explained by a small but vocal group of fetishists who cannot resist bald green women. That one person thought this was a good idea is a surprise, but four…?

CONDOMS

SILENT MOVIE VILLAIN

OFFENSIVENESS

8

OFFENSIVENESS

4

SEX APPEAL

4

SEX APPEAL

8

WTF? FACTOR

8

WTF? FACTOR

3

ACCURACY

2

ACCURACY

8

EXPENSE

3

EXPENSE

7

PRACTICALITY

1

PRACTICALITY

6

NOTES: As anyone who has gone out on a cold night wearing just cling-film will tell you, this costume is as lacking in practicality as it is taste. The little bobble on top wins an extra accuracy point.

NOTES: This costume is a winner - it comes with its own explanatory sign. However, to do it properly takes a lot of dedication – keep your mouth shut and your moustache in place all night. High sex appeal – women love bastards.

…Ivan the Terrible had the Kremlin built, and then gouged out the eyes of the architect to prevent him from ever designing another structure like it…


43 THE BLACK-AND-WHITE MINSTREL

“SEXY” BADGER

OFFENSIVENESS

10

OFFENSIVENESS

7

SEX APPEAL

4

SEX APPEAL

0

WTF? FACTOR

3

WTF? FACTOR

8

ACCURACY

9

ACCURACY

2

EXPENSE

6

EXPENSE

4

PRACTICALITY

4

PRACTICALITY

7

NOTES: Instantly recognisable, the minstrel costume will quickly draw a crowd – or should that be mob? Not one to be worn outside of the understanding confines of Sidney, it’s the ukelele that makes it a classic.

JESSE CUSTER FROM PREACHER

NOTES: A spectacularly ill-advised attempt at a sexy cat produced this monstrosity. Is it a badger? Is it a skunk? Nobody knows.

ASH FROM THE EVIL DEAD

OFFENSIVENESS

5

OFFENSIVENESS

4

SEX APPEAL

7

SEX APPEAL

3

WTF? FACTOR

9

WTF? FACTOR

8

ACCURACY

8

ACCURACY

9

EXPENSE

5

EXPENSE

8

PRACTICALITY

4

PRACTICALITY

4

NOTES: Another niche character, but one that carries with it an air of unbeatable cool. The eye-patch boosts sex appeal, but the lack of depth perception hinders practicality.

NOTES: This is a very accurate representation of a somewhat niche character. The blood and implied violence notch up a few more offensiveness points, while having one hand loses practicality when drinking.

…the average human has seven sex fantasies in a day… the average person laughs about 15 times a day… the average person contains enough phosphorus to make about 250 matches…


44 CARROT

???

OFFENSIVENESS

0

OFFENSIVENESS

6

SEX APPEAL

8

SEX APPEAL

3

WTF? FACTOR

5

WTF? FACTOR

10

ACCURACY

5

ACCURACY

?

EXPENSE

2

EXPENSE

7

PRACTICALITY

4

PRACTICALITY

5

NOTES: This Sainsbury’s Basics Carrot must represent at least ten of your five-a-day. I refuse to justify the high sex appeal of a carrot, just in case any young, uncorrupted types are reading – which is a long shot in Sidney.

NOTES: God knows what this was supposed to be. Whatever it is, it is a costume with real flair and dedication (boy, that must take dedication), that wins points for being Sidney colours.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

COCKFOSTERS

OFFENSIVENESS

5

OFFENSIVENESS

9

SEX APPEAL

8

SEX APPEAL

9

WTF? FACTOR

2

WTF? FACTOR

5

ACCURACY

9

ACCURACY

6

EXPENSE

8

EXPENSE

3

PRACTICALITY

6

PRACTICALITY

0

NOTES: Not perfectly accurate, of course. He’s not American. What – did you think I was going to say something else? Shame on you. Relatively offensive – there’s a lot of anti-American feeling out there right now.

NOTES: Very high on sex appeal, in the theory that there’s something for everybody here. Low on practicality, though – it’s hard work to haul a massive cock around all day, I can tell you.

…the earliest known board game dates from around 3,000 BC and is a predecessor of modern backgammon… Walt Disney has won more Oscars than any other individual…


45 UNACCEPTABLE IN THE EIGHTIES

LITTLE OLD LADY

OFFENSIVENESS

8

OFFENSIVENESS

4

SEX APPEAL

2

SEX APPEAL

6

WTF? FACTOR

8

WTF? FACTOR

4

ACCURACY

5

ACCURACY

5

EXPENSE

4

EXPENSE

7

PRACTICALITY

3

PRACTICALITY

1

NOTES: It’s not immediately clear what this is, but it gets points just for sheer balls – and those balls are pretty clearly on display in those tights, along with everything else.

NOTES: The little old lady never fails to raise a smile, with her fuzzy hat and disturbingly hairy forearms. Practicality is extremely low – a dress and a bladderfull of Sidney-price ale do not sit well together.

GIMP

HANNIBAL LECTER

OFFENSIVENESS

10

OFFENSIVENESS

5

SEX APPEAL

10

SEX APPEAL

2

WTF? FACTOR

10

WTF? FACTOR

7

ACCURACY

5

ACCURACY

8

EXPENSE

6

EXPENSE

3

PRACTICALITY

0

PRACTICALITY

0

NOTES: There is nothing to say about this. Try and make a joke if you can, but there is absolutely nothing funny about it. Can I have a moment’s silence for this man’s dignity?

NOTES: Practicality really takes a hit here – it’s a freaking straitjacket! Let’s see you get drunk when you have no hands and a grill over your face. Same principle applies to sex appeal – no face or hands is a real turn-off.

…the Statue of Liberty was originally intended to stand over the Suez Canal… the most common surname in Germany is Schultz…elephants’ trunks hold up to 1 1/2 gallons…


46 THE WIZARD OF OZ CREW

JOSEPH

OFFENSIVENESS

0

OFFENSIVENESS

3

SEX APPEAL

4

SEX APPEAL

4

WTF? FACTOR

2

WTF? FACTOR

8

ACCURACY

9

ACCURACY

5

EXPENSE

7

EXPENSE

3

PRACTICALITY

8

PRACTICALITY

7

NOTES: The Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion – traditionally in search of brains, a heart and courage. These three have the latter two in spades, but are presumably sorely in need of the first.

FEATHERS McGRAW

NOTES: The substitution of trainers for the more traditional sandals reduces the accuracy but ups the practicality of this costume. Quite why the colours of Joseph’s coat have run into his hair and face is not clear.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

OFFENSIVENESS

2

OFFENSIVENESS

1

SEX APPEAL

7

SEX APPEAL

7

WTF? FACTOR

10

WTF? FACTOR

7

ACCURACY

1

ACCURACY

6

EXPENSE

6

EXPENSE

5

PRACTICALITY

7

PRACTICALITY

8

NOTES: This is a valiant attempt at the beloved Wrong Trousers penguin which falls ever so slightly short. The presence of a rubber glove, along with a complex harness for keeping it in place, adds kinky sex appeal.

NOTES: Green body paint at £5.99 a pot? Raargh! Hulk smash puny costume shop!

…‘You know, there are three signs of aging. The first is that you tend to forget things rather easily – and for the life of me, I don’t know what the other two things are’…


47 DOMINATRIX

THE POWERPUFF GIRLS

OFFENSIVENESS

8

OFFENSIVENESS

3

SEX APPEAL

3

SEX APPEAL

9

WTF? FACTOR

7

WTF? FACTOR

0

ACCURACY

6

ACCURACY

5

EXPENSE

8

EXPENSE

3

PRACTICALITY

2

PRACTICALITY

10

NOTES: Not the most appealing of dominatrices. Still, it’s worth pointing out that Sidney should be used to powerful, dominating, Masterful women by now. If that armband features a swastika, feel free to up the offensiveness score.

ALEX FROM A CLOCKWORK ORANGE

NOTES: They lose accuracy points because there’s only bloody two of them. Aside from that, these costumes could almost pass for normal people, albeit brightly coloured ones.

GO-GO YUBARI FROM KILL BILL

OFFENSIVENESS

7

OFFENSIVENESS

4

SEX APPEAL

6

SEX APPEAL

9

WTF? FACTOR

5

WTF? FACTOR

5

ACCURACY

9

ACCURACY

8

EXPENSE

8

EXPENSE

4

PRACTICALITY

5

PRACTICALITY

7

NOTES: It could be taken as a mark of Sidney’s general degeneracy that dressing as a rapist can’t get you near top offensiveness. I guess time has blunted Alex’s edge. Still, bonus points for the milk - sorry, ‘moloko’.

NOTES: Perhaps not the most well-known character in the world, nevertheless pint-sized psychotic Go-Go is certainly distinctive, and carried off with aplomb.

… ‘I have just received a telegram from my daddy. It says, “Dear Jack, don’t buy a single more vote than is necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide’ – JFK…


48 THE GREEN CROSS CODE MAN

BABY BOOMER

OFFENSIVENESS

0

OFFENSIVENESS

5

SEX APPEAL

8

SEX APPEAL

2

WTF? FACTOR

4

WTF? FACTOR

8

ACCURACY

8

ACCURACY

2

EXPENSE

4

EXPENSE

4

PRACTICALITY

7

PRACTICALITY

10

NOTES: Loses a couple of accuracy points for the mixed message the beer can gives off: ‘Look both ways, but make sure to be good and plastered first’. High sex appeal – who can resist a man in uniform, or with his own tiny robot.

NOTES: There’s nothing more practical than a nappy. We’ve all used them before, and we’re most of us going to need them again, so it’s worth staying in practice. The sex appeal is low, though – you’re a walking cautionary tale.

UNDERGROUND

SKINHEAD

OFFENSIVENESS

0

OFFENSIVENESS

8

SEX APPEAL

5

SEX APPEAL

6

WTF? FACTOR

6

WTF? FACTOR

4

ACCURACY

7

ACCURACY

8

EXPENSE

9

EXPENSE

5

PRACTICALITY

3

PRACTICALITY

7

NOTES: A slightly literal-minded and labour-intensive approach to bopping, yet this costume is undeniably ingenious. Sex appeal is moderate – it’s clear that you can support a home, but not everyone is ready to settle down.

NOTES: The bad-boy sex appeal offsets the cost of buying braces, while the overall believability of the costume can be problematic if nipping to the cash machine.

…every minute, more than 70 million gallons of water pass over Victoria falls in Africa… among American cash crops, marijuana outranks corn in yearly value…


49

FRED FLINTSTONE

SMURFS

OFFENSIVENESS

3

OFFENSIVENESS

8

SEX APPEAL

6

SEX APPEAL

4

WTF? FACTOR

3

WTF? FACTOR

8

ACCURACY

9

ACCURACY

7

EXPENSE

7

EXPENSE

6

PRACTICALITY

5

PRACTICALITY

3

NOTES: Keeping on the glasses sacrifices accuracy for practicality (and safety). The club can be useful when fighting to the bar to get a drink.

NOTES: It’s interesting how a slight inaccuracy in hue can transform a costume from amusingly nostalgic to absolutely freaking terrifying.

UNLUCKY TRAMPOLINIST

CATS

OFFENSIVENESS

2

OFFENSIVENESS

4

SEX APPEAL

1

SEX APPEAL

8

WTF? FACTOR

9

WTF? FACTOR

2

ACCURACY

5

ACCURACY

6

EXPENSE

10

EXPENSE

6

PRACTICALITY

0

PRACTICALITY

8

NOTES: Expensive, unless you have an old trampoline around, and supremely impractical. The accuracy could be higher, except for the nagging question, ‘How could you possibly end up wedged in that position?’

NOTES: Can be offensive to those with allergies or any fans of T.S. Eliot. The only worry is that Pebbles might take you for a threat…

…on July 22, 1972, a lady in Rome gave birth to quindecaplets – 10 girls and 5 boys… an automatic spaghetti-spinning fork was patented in 1950…


50 IRON MAN

BIG BIRD

OFFENSIVENESS

1

OFFENSIVENESS

1

SEX APPEAL

4

SEX APPEAL

9

WTF? FACTOR

8

WTF? FACTOR

6

ACCURACY

2

ACCURACY

7

EXPENSE

3

EXPENSE

8

PRACTICALITY

5

PRACTICALITY

4

NOTES: Your only real worry in this costume is accidentally standing next to one of the lights and being partially roasted.

NOTES: The tights make this a slightly less innocent Big Bird than the children are used to. Keep an eye out for anybody dressed as a cat.

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

PETER PAN

OFFENSIVENESS

0

OFFENSIVENESS

4

SEX APPEAL

1

SEX APPEAL

7

WTF? FACTOR

4

WTF? FACTOR

2

ACCURACY

9

ACCURACY

8

EXPENSE

8

EXPENSE

8

PRACTICALITY

2

PRACTICALITY

6

NOTES: The lack of obvious eyeholes may increase the accuracy slightly, but greatly reduces the practicality.

NOTES: The story of children who should have grown up a long time ago forms a nice parallel with the whole Bop endeavour.

…the highest recorded altitude ever reached by a bird was a Ruppell’s Vulture which collided with a plane at 37,000 feet over Africa… Napoleon Bonaparte was afraid of cats…


51

In The Back… Now, this bit here would usually be the letters section, but none of you have bothered to send me any letters. Grr. Raarg. Editor smash! Ahem. Or not. Anyway, I need your letters! If anybody has any opinions about any of the issues raised by this episode of Hollyoaks this issue of El Sid, e-mail me at: mja59@cam.ac.uk Or if you have any opinions about any current affairs, in Cambridge, Britain, or the world, e-mail me at: mja59@cam.ac.uk Or if you have any opinions or thoughts about past events anywhere in the world, e-mail me at: mja59@cam.ac.uk Or if anything interesting has ever happened to you or anyone you know, e-mail me at: mja59@cam.ac.uk Or if you’ve ever heard of anything happening ever anywhere in the universe, email me at: mja59@cam.ac.uk Well, I think you get the point. But if you don’t, feel free to e-mail me at: mja59@cam.ac.uk and I’ll have the point shipped to you ASAP.

…in 60 years, the human heart beats more than 2 billion times… the world’s tallest ever man was Robert Wadlow, who died at the age of 22, 8 feet 11 inches and still growing…


52 Thanks to: Spelunkin’ Duncan Crowe Crazy Christos Matthews Viking Adam Nall Sarah ‘Monday Bloody’ Munday Lydia ‘The Tattooed Lady’ Green Bruising Bryan Ghosh

Robert ‘Orange’ Peal Scandalous Sallie Godwin Lascivious Liz Farmer Anup ‘Snoop’ Mehta Kirsty ‘Jean’ Bell Cheeky Charlie Craven

Special Thanks To: Uncle John & The Bathroom Readers Institute Top Trumps © Tanqueray Gin And, of course, Yi-Xun Tan for helping rig the election

The El Sid Playlist A selection of the music that kept me going through the lengthy editing process: The Killers – Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town The Beatles – And Your Bird Can Sing Bruce Springsteen – Livin’ In The Future The Steve Miller Band – Serenade Patrick Wolf – The Magic Position The National – Fake Empire Preston Shannon – You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone The Band – Didn’t It Rain Vincent Vincent & The Villains – Sins Of Love (Wah Do) Son Volt – Open All Night Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Henry Lee Natty – Cold Town Reverend & The Makers – Open Your Window Cherry Ghost – Roses Steve Earle – Satellite Radio Gary U.S. Bonds – Out Of Work Sam Cooke – Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen Fleetwood Mac – Man Of The World …famous last words: ‘I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.’ – Richard Feynman.


El Sid Lent 08