Issue 75 5

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The Athenian SUMMER 2014 - Issue 75.5

The Athenian

Letter From the Editor

It’s no secret that Case Western stands out from other schools. We’ve seen our spot in the yearly rankings, read the diversity reports and witnessed the strangeness that is Humans versus Zombies.

But, one thing never changes.

We’ve still got the drama. That’s why our campus is so big. It’s full of secrets.

For readers who might be new to Cleveland, gossip will stick to students, too. However, as with all things in life, there are ways to avoid it.

Here are a few tips from The Athenian, to help you survive your time in this city.

Rule 1: (Don’t always) go with the flow.

It’s fun to get out and try new things.

Simply don’t take it too far—yes, go on that walk with friends, but maybe don’t listen to them when, for example, they think that jumping into Wade Lagoon’s cesspool of muck, dead leaves and bacteria is a good idea. As much as it might seem like a good idea, it really isn’t. There’s no quicker way to drama than bacterial infections. Trust us.

Rule 2: Follow your gut.

Want to re-define yourself? Go for it.

However, becoming the “new Cleveland you” doesn’t mean you have to catch any rivers on fire. You’ll want to represent your city, though. There’s no harm in a few #Cle’s thrown into a status or two. Key to doing things right: If it feels like a bad idea, don’t do it (see rule 1).

Going against your conscience causes the worst kind of drama—drama with yourself.

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Rule 3: Understand that Clevelanders are different.

Let’s think of sports, for instance; Cleveland fans go hard in the paint. Here, we burn Lebron jerseys one second and get in line for new ones just a few years later.

Wasteful? Maybe.

Devoted? Definitely.

Join them, or don’t. Whatever you do, don’t stand in their way. You don’t want to be in that tornado of emotions when, say, the Steelers beat the Browns (again).

But if you want to get a real taste of what we have to say about Cleveland, politics and the world in general, you’ll have to keep reading. You’ll hear all the juicy gossip without having to experience it in your life.

We here at The Athenian exist to give you a break from your personal drama, no matter how bad it is. Stick with us, and you’ll be the fetchest* kid at CWRU. (*and maybe you can make “fetch” happen, too) Anne Nickoloff Editor-in-Chief

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The Summer Tabloids................................Issue 75.5 “Essential Advice for Freshmen”......................................4 “Summer’s Reality TV Hits”..............................................5 “Modern Art”.......................................................................6 “Working at a Summer Camp”........................................7 “CWRU Vigilante Vows To Locate New Campus Building”........................................................................8 “Welcome to Indie Nation”.................................................9 “Matthew West Produces Top Christian Hit ‘Do Something’; Proceeds to do Nothing”...................10 “An Open Letter to Lebron James: Quit Playing With my Heart”.........................................11 “Summer Suxxx”...............................................................12 “A Summer Wish List AKA New Year’s Resolutions Part 2”...........................................13 “How to be Funny”............................................................14

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The Athenian

Essential Advice for Freshmen Anastazia Vanisko

As new students come pouring in and old students return for yet another year at Case Western Reserve University, it’s good to reflect on what we’ve learned in our time here and what we wish we had known from the beginning. It only seems fair that we share our knowledge with the new freshmen. So here are some tidbits that would have been helpful to all of us as freshmen, and hopefully will help this year’s newbies start the year off right.

• Learn your limits. And the best way to do that is to push past all of them.

Which might end horribly, but hey, at least now you know how far you can go.

• Reinvent yourself over and over again. No one here knows you, so it’s not like anyone will even know when it’s the first reinvention or the 20th. You deserve to be whichever version of yourself you want to be.

• Leutner and Thwing are pronounced Loot-ner and Thw-eeng. Don’t believe what your orientation leaders tell you.

They’re just playing mean pranks.

• Explore Cleveland! Just get on the RTA and get off at a random spot. You don’t even have to know where you are.

It’s a great way to learn about your new city and it’s perfectly safe. I hear the East is nice.

• Climb on the statues. Climb on every single one. Climb because they are like adult playgrounds.

• Remember that you might meet some crazy people now that you’re in college. Embrace them and maybe even become a little crazy yourself.

• Take all sorts of random classes.

Whether it’s something as bland as Intro to Accounting or as enticing as Human Sexuality, you never know where your passions may lie.

• Dress for the weather.

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Unlike in high school when you either had indoor halls or were blessed with lovely weather year round, you now may have to walk to class in a blizzard.

So wear a hat to prevent your freshly showered hair from freezing. And if you see someone walking around in shorts, that person is just hardcore. Don’t try to be that hardcore.

• SHOWER, DO LAUNDRY, AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM. If you don’t take any of the advice on this list, at least do these! I never cleaned my room though, and I doubt I’ll start even though I just said you should…

• Show everyone pictures of your home. Everyone really wants to see all the cool places they may or may not ever visit depending on how close you become.

• Sign up for every club’s mailing list that you’re even mildly interested in. All those emails will make you feel sooo popular.

• Live in the moment. Or study all night instead of going to the club with your friends. I’m sure you’re not missing out. It was probably boring.

• Take pictures with all the landmarks.

Everyone gets their picture taken in front of PBL, so it won’t even be an obvious giveaway that you’re a freshman if you decide to do that.

• Play hide and go seek in PBL. But if you do it while on drugs, be prepared to get lost and eventually have a janitor find you whimpering in a not-90-degreeangle corner a few days later.

• Find a copy of “The Student Body.”

It’s extremely rare and might be worth something to the right people.

Good luck everyone! Hope it’s a great year!

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Summer’s Reality TV Hits Julia Bianco

Summer TV can often be a wasteland, with networks sending their worst shows to die while would-be viewers spend their time on other activities like hanging out with friends or actually going outside.

This summer, though, the networks managed to push out some great new reality shows that kept viewers glued to their couches where they belong all summer long. Here were this summer’s biggest reality hits you’ll have to catch up on: 5. “Tomb Improvement” In ABC’s summer popcorn reality series, interior designer Tash McCreedy redesigns the final resting homes of famous individuals throughout history.

With her top team of decorators, McCreedy manages to take old, outdated tombs and turn them into the party areas that they should be. McCreedy’s addition of top notch sound systems and dance floors takes tombs from sham to glam. You’ll love watching what she is able to do with these old crypts.

4. “I Love the… 1340’s” One of this summer’s smash hits, this continuation of the “I Love the…” series took the show back in time to the days of the Black Death, where comedians talk about their fond memories of wonderful things like boils, dirt and never brushing your teeth. The episode was a runaway hit, with everyone eager to relive memories of the world’s glory days.

3. “America’s Next Top Jewish Wrestler” WWE wrestling is so played out.

Seeing big guys crawling all over each other is no fun anymore, so why not watch scrawny white guys do it? Spike’s “America’s Next Top Jewish Wrestler” brings the nerdy guys to the forefront.

Seeing them whine over broken glasses

is great but seeing their mothers heckling the referees from the audience is even better.

2. “The Next Big Ant Queen” Travel into the glorious world of ants with TLC’s reality series “The Next Big Ant Queen.” The series follows the ant colony located at the fourth picnic bench near Blergmidgeon Lake in Springville, Massachusetts and their newly crowned queen, Betty, as she deals with the numerous trials and tribulations that come with ruling such a large and diverse society. Betty has to deal with issues like finding breadcrumbs for her people, getting revenge on the large, black boot that constantly disrupts order and balancing her many ant love interests, all while dealing with her crazy parents and spoiled younger brother who just might try to usurp her throne. Although the ants can’t speak any English, the drama is palpable on their faces, making the entire show irresistible for any reality television fan.

1. “Diddling on the Roof” This show helped us figure out the answer to that age-old question: Who can last the longest while jerking off on a precipitously ledged roof? Pitting 10 guys against each other in an all out war, this show is the most intense reality competition series of the summer. The high stakes (one contestant fractured his spine after a particularly nasty fall from the roof mid-masturbation session) add to the intensity and drama of the series, but the personal drama surrounding the series’ deep conflicts is what really makes it great.

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Modern Art Tejas Joshi

The Athenian

CLEVELAND, OH—A local architectural fixture reportedly baffled freshman Case Western student Henry Dulce on Tuesday afternoon as he stood near Rockefeller.

After his class finished early, Dulce confirmed that he had hoped to enjoy the not-quite-as-gloomy-as-usual weather and eat a wilted sandwich on the quad. Still unaware of what was to come, the student drew closer to a promising bronze, low-backed structure in the distance with hopes to sit down.

Suddenly, Dulce noticed that the figure seated on the metallic bench was actually a pewter statue in the shape of a bulky man.

Eyewitness accounts report that the 18-year-old then spent several seconds staring at the bench in disbelief. The student explained to reporters that he unable to ascertain whether or not the bronze, backed platform was an art piece, and, if so, if it was one on which he could sit.

“I was pretty confused. I just wanted a place to sit,” the student told reporters, vividly describing how his hopes of peacefully eating lunch were horrifically and irrevocably shattered by this realization of ignorance. “I mean, on one hand, it’s basically a metal bench in the type of place where you’d expect a bench to be. But then again, that guy’s statue thing is really creepy and takes up most of the bench space. Plus, it’s clearly some kind of memorial or something.” The student then gestured to a small, inlaid inscription on the side of the bench. “I mean there’s a plaque and everything,” he added.

This series of events is just the latest in a line of art-related adversities on CWRU’s

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campus. Last fall, six sophomore students reportedly missed the first three days of their economics elective because they couldn’t find the Peter B. Lewis Building.

“We just kept walking around Ford and Bellflower because we assumed that the bright, silver explosion in front of us was a modern art piece that was blocking our view of PBL,” explained one brave sociology major. Then, in the spring semester, an entire modern physics class got soaked when the chrome plated, Michelson-Morley Memorial Fountain on the quad inexplicably turned on.

However, these precedents were no consolation to Dulce. At press time, the student sat down on the sidewalk in front of the bench to eat his lunch, careful to avoid eye contact with the statue.

STREAM

ignitemovies.case.edu

TUNE IN channel 17.2

IGNITE TELEVISION

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Working at a Summer Camp Sabanrab Nannerb

There are many ways to spend the summer in college. My great grandmother insists that young men used to bag groceries during summer break. But today, students have higher aspirations, like building wells in Africa or playing Black-Ops for 50 hours straight. I wanted to intern at a local engineering firm, but, like the good college student I am, I waited until a month before to send in my resume. I didn’t hear anything back, but then I caught wind of staff openings at a summer camp I went to as a kid. It was a dream come true.

I didn’t know anything about working at a camp, but I helped out once in high school and I watched “Dirty Dancing.” I knew I wasn’t going to be a sexy dance instructor, and obviously I couldn’t be a female counselor, so I figured working in the kitchen wouldn’t be too tough.

I was so wrong.

I mean, working at camp is totally worth it, but kitchen staff is a lot of work. We had three people to cook for 130 kids. We got up at dawn and went to bed after dark. Most of my days were spent cleaning up from one meal while starting on the next. The kitchen director was a crazy Sicilian lady who was always yelling at me for something, but she couldn’t get my name right. At first, I thought she was always angry with me, but then I remembered that, a lot of the times, Italians are just always yelling.

She really is an incredible and extremely caring woman.

Sadly, I didn’t have a summer romance to sing about, like in “Grease.” The closest I got was an intimate relationship with the Hobart brand industrial washing machine, nicknamed Hobie. It got pretty hot and steamy in the dish pit (that’s my

mom’s joke).

Actually, I’ve passed a lot of time philosophizing in the dish pit. I could make a comic strip called “Calvin and Hobie.” I had to stay up late one night to de-lime the inside of the machine, reaching down into the abyss to fish out lost silverware. You only let really close friends poke around your innards.

I had a chance to connect with the kids at camp, too. I made silly faces and talked in funny accents when I served the meals or when they brought their dishes up. I put a smile on a little girl’s face by asking her, in a bad French accent, “Woot you like some French toast, mademoiselle?” I hung out with the campers when we set up the camp store in the dining hall and let the little girls put pigtails in my hair.

A group of elementary girls assigned the male staff Disney princess names.

I got Snow White, apparently, because I cook, clean and sing while I work. I wondered if animals would start flocking to me. I shouldn’t have said anything because chipmunks and birds started getting into the dining hall after that. A girl even caught one of the birds. I can confirm a bird in hand really is worth two in the bush.

Anyways, that was just a little bit about my glorious summer experience.

You won’t necessarily be stuck in a hot kitchen if you work at camp, but any job with long hours working with people can be draining. Just ask the Orientation Leaders. They put together a fabulous presentation for the incoming freshmen without crying themselves to sleep at night. Not that I would know what that’s like.

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The Athenian CWRU Vigilante Vows To Locate New Campus Building Kushagra Gupta Saying that she should have noticed sooner, returning Case Western sophomore Kayla Smith has informed reporters that she has reason to suspect that a secret new building might be opening on campus.

At the time, Smith was waiting outside her professor’s office to discuss a time conflict caused by the university’s physical education requirements, when she overheard suggestive comments that implied a grand opening of a building named Tinkham Veale.

Smith had heard the phrase before but had been under the impression that her friends were celebrating learning by saying, “Think ‘Em Veale.” The 19-yearold said that in her defense, by telling a building to think, she thought her friends were just expressing their happiness to learn.

However, when the professor noticed Smith standing at the door, his words quickly hushed. “Something fishy was going on,” Smith thought.

“The meeting was just going to be about PE,” she said. “But then, it became an interrogation.”

After going inside, Smith had reportedly used common law enforcement techniques, such as hard eye contact, making subtle remarks about nearby objects that could induce blunt-force trauma and slowly decreasing the distance between her and the professor/suspect’s face.

Despite her efforts, the professor was reportedly able to escape with a lame excuse of an important lunch meeting at the Melt. Later, she admitted to herself that she should have known to physically restrain him.

Having confirmed her suspicions by his behavior, Smith vowed to continue her investigation at all costs.

In a hushed tone, she explained, “I asked myself what would change if there was a new building.”

Sources report that Smith

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said the solution was obvious but hidden, and that only the ancient wisdom inside her soul could give her the answer: the greenie bus route.

Smith explained: “The commuter shuttle mini-bus system helps students travel from one part of the university to another in a safe and fast manner. If there was a new building, the bus might have to stop by it now.”

Unfortunately for the girl-whoespoused-justice-itself, her bus pursuits ended abruptly when she was on the way to the greenie stop, due to a tragic accident.

She disclosed, “Honestly, no matter how much it hurt, throughout the entire thing, I kept thinking that it was still pretty ironic to get hit by an ambulance.”

Noting how incredulous it was to not notice a vehicle with bright flashing lights and a blaring siren, Smith went on to say that she hadn’t really noticed that the world’s greatest medical facilities were literally across the street until then either.

Gloomily, injury was not the only way Smith’s search for truth has affected her personal life. The late-night break-ins and constant surveillance have reportedly caused a strain on the guardian-of-all-thatis-good’s boyfriend.

“The price of what I do every night is that loneliness is my one true fate,” Smith explained, wistfully staring off into the moonlight.

Sadly, Smith was unable to balance both of her lives, and her boyfriend’s affection for her quickly ended after she suggested attempting to locate a secret tunnel under Nord Hall instead of a dinner in Little Italy.

By day, Smith reportedly mingles with her classmates, making small talk about homework and exams. But every so often, she sees something that makes her cringe, knowing that she cannot help without the cover of darkness.

And thus, the CWRU vigilante continues to lurk.

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Welcome to Indie Nation Marisa Neel

Sure, indie people sometimes give off the “God, I’m annoying because I feel the need to impose my hipsterness on everyone with a noisy typewriter” vibe. But we can’t ignore that it’s spreading. Thick-rimmed glasses and unnecessary facial hair have taken over.

There are actually a lot of things we can blame for hipster nation. We can blame Modernism, Zooey Deschanel’s general existence, Anthropologie, the fact that now we’re now expected to ride our damn bikes everywhere, that quirky is now cute and that eating cauliflower with Perrier is delicious. We can blame it all. But really it

was our destiny to have the Wes Anderson and non-digital camera devotees take over.

And the reason is: Even though they have given us tight jeans in humid weather, they gave us good music.

See, here is the common misconception: Hipsters don’t say they don’t want to be mainstream just to go against the crowd, they go against the crowd because the crowd is shit. And when you finally get your head out of the shit the world throws at you, you find some pretty amazing things.

Here are some recommendations to get you at least able to navigate your classic indie music festival: “Jesus, Etc.” by Wilco “The Girl” by City and Colour “Float On” by Modest Mouse “My Body” by Young the Giant “You Are A Tourist” by Death Cab for Cutie “Holiday” by Vampire Weekend “Houdini” by Foster the People “Gun-shy” by Grizzly Bear “Dream Away” by The Yugos A basic list; doesn’t even scratch the surface.

So I’m not going to complain anymore, and you shouldn’t either.

It’s not too late to get the summer groove on.

We’re glad you’re back.

Get on the bandwagon (literally, because apparently things that Now we can kick it up require gas are too a notch and make this mainstream) or go year the best one yet! home.

welcome WELCOME back!

BACK the

Jolly Scholar Hours

M - Th : 11am ~ 12pm Fri : 11am ~ 2am Sa - Su : 11am ~ 12pm

Let’s get jolly.

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The Athenian Matthew West Produces Top Christian Hit Kayla ‘Do Something’; Proceeds to do Nothing Devault Reading the Bible and listening to the Newsboys was starting to become old news until the Fish started playing Matthew West’s now popular “Do Something.” This hit, which originally came out in 2012, inspired hundreds, if not thousands of Christians, to come together and sing at concerts hosting bands that are not the standard choirs and organists. Fans have been rallying around West’s movement, lapping up his lyrics about it being “time to do something.”

In the first verse of the song, West complains to God about the state of the world and asks him to do something. By the next verse, he is so angry about poverty and bad things that he starts screaming at God. He shouts, “God, why don’t you DO something?” In response, God’s like “I did… I created you.” And West is like, “Oh…burn.” The rest of the song is filled with convicting accusations about how we’re all here on Earth because we’re supposed to be doing something to fix the things that others apparently have been doing wrong.

(You know, maybe they were told to “Do Something” too, and got a little confused from how vague that order was.)

When asked about what inspired him to write this song, West doesn’t answer that God inspired him. The song is apparently a little misleading. Instead, he was inspired by a girl who was actually doing something for Ethiopian orphans. So, in response, West wrote his song. “I just felt inspired by her message. I realized we are here to do something – so I wrote ‘Do Something.’”

But since writing the song two years ago, West has Done Nothing.

In an exclusive interview, The Athenian asked West why he has Done Nothing since he so adamantly advocated doing something to the rest of us. West thought this was funny.

“Just because I write a song telling people to do something doesn’t mean I actually feel like doing anything myself. I’m too busy. I’d rather just play guitar and not go to Africa and stuff. They don’t have Chick-Fil-A over there anyways.”

Fans, on the other hand, expect West’s help. Moses, a young

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Christian from Huntsville, Alabama, started a fan club at his high school in anticipation of West stepping up his game. “His lyrics clearly say ‘It’s time for us to do something,’” says Moses. “It’s kind of a cliff-hanger.

We’re all like, what’s next Matthew West?

We’re ready!” It is quite strange that he’s even asking, because West is very clear with what thing he wants done: some.

Meanwhile, musician Lil Wayne overdoses on heroin and accidentally discovers the cure to cancer. When asked what sparked this genius act of goodwill, Lil Wayne replied, “It’s the flow, mayne. Yeah. I can’t help it. Yeah. My foot’s sleeping on the gas. No brake pads, no such thing as last…”

Well, Lil Wayne certainly is not in last.

He’s a candidate for the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize for his incredible cancer-curing formula of heroin, Miller Lite and Chipotle hot salsa.

The Athenian recently asked Lil Wayne if Matthew West’s song was an inspiration to his discovery. Lil Wayne’s answer was poetic, stating, “My bars are full of broken bottles and my nightstands are full of open Bibles.”

Matthew West, when asked for commentary, replied, “Dammit, this was NOT supposed to inspire people to do heroin! I don’t care how many damn Bibles he has on his nightstand!”

Welp, someone’s jelly. Sorry Matthew West, maybe you should Do Something about it. In fact, Matthew West’s inability to Do Anything in the light of Lil Wayne’s possible Nobel Peace Prize has caused such a rift in the Bible Belt that Christian music may be taking a new route. Moses’ Huntsville group recently started a petition that allows Lil Wayne to headline at the largest Christian summits over the next three years.

“We just want to keep inspiring people to follow in Lil Wayne’s footsteps,” Moses told The Athenian. “This is clearly a man of God.” Ah, yes, congratulations Matthew West.

While you’ve not actually Done Anything but play guitar, your music has indirectly inspired young Christians everywhere to Do Something and follow their new messiah, Lil Wayne. Maybe you’ve (kind of) Done Something after all.

cwruathenian com An Open Letter to Lebron James: Quit Playing With my Heart Winchester Mac Cionaodha Do you hate me, Lebron? You, your beautiful bald head and powerful dunk played with my heart and then broke it.

I loved you and you shattered that love into millions of pieces with your move to Miami.

I watched you when you played in Akron. I was your first fan, your first fan.

And what did you do? Like any young love, you got up and left me. I poured my soul into being your fan, and you left, just like that bitch Jessica.

I remember sitting in the front row of the high school gym. The way you dribbled the ball past me as I sat at half court just made my heart flutter, your bouncing ball, simply mesmerizing.

At that point, I knew you were the one for me; I was enamored at first sight. I knew you would be the best player since Michael Jordan.

We had some great times together, Lebron. I went to nearly all of your games at the Q. Only missed six and a half.

(Damned appendicitis.) The other half game was because my sister didn’t let me skip my mother’s funeral. I ditched out after the mass though. Who cares about the burial anyway? They’re just putting a box into the ground.

But I’m not sure why I’m letting you know which games I missed, I’m sure you already knew that.

I saw you score 48 points in the 2007 Eastern Conference Finals. You put the entire city of Cleveland on your back and scored Cleveland’s final 25 points to win in overtime. I was there in 2009 when you were named the league’s MVP. Never have I been prouder of my Jimmy.

Remember the time we had the misunderstanding with security? You nodded your head and pointed at me and I was escorted out of the stadium after I wouldn’t stop singing, “Lebron, I think I want to marry you.” I know that point you scored just a few minutes later meant you agreed. Those men were just jealous of

what we had.

But like any young love, our relationship fizzled quickly. You valued the money and the women over me, your best friend and soul mate. What happened to bros before hoes? The money and change in the NBA power corrupted you. Did you even think of me when you signed that contract that took you away from the one person who truly loved you?

I cried for weeks. Helped tear down your mural. Burned your jersey. Bought a whole warehouse’s supply of jerseys and then proceeded to burn those, too. Half went into the flames bonfire style. The other half I saved so that I could burn one every time I felt sad. I was doing three jerseys a day for five months. The burning addiction got worse than my one to booze.

If we hadn’t drafted Kyrie Irving, I’m not sure I’d be here today. While he could never replace how I felt when I was with you Lebron, having someone new in my life did help. I’m afraid to admit that he was a bit of a rebound, but what can you do?

And now you’re back in town. Why? It looks like you were happy in Miami. You were accomplishing all you set out to do.

Weren’t you happy? Was I on your mind?

I finally let you go. I finally moved on. And now you show up in my city.

Do you have any respect for me? Do you know that I’ll still fall back in love with you despite the pain that your selfishness has caused me? Why are you playing with my heart?

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Summer Suxxx

Charlie Topel

The Athenian

Hey, idiots. It’s me. I’m back with another opinion. This is gonna start to be a regular thing, so you’re just gonna have to sit there and take it.

You know what I can’t stand? Summer.

It combines everything I hate about the world into one miserable season. You know how in grade school and high school, kids and teachers would get so excited for the end of the school year and for the “best summer ever?” Yeah, that wasn’t me. I would glare at them with itchy allergyridden eyes and point a mosquito bitten finger at them, calling them names like Stupid, Ignoramus and Mrs. Thompson. I couldn’t stand the season, and I still dryheave whenever anyone brings it up.

First of all, the weather. Summer weather is the absolute worst. It’s hot, it’s humid and everyone’s making it more hot and humid with their sweat. People always say, “But, Charlie, look outside! The sun’s out! Let’s get a tan! What great weather!”

Those people are liars, cheaters and legally convicted felons for all I know.

“Let’s get a tan????????” You mean, “let’s all go outside and be uncomfortable for an hour so our skin dies.” You know what the Devil’s temperature is? That’s right, HOT. And you know when it’s hot? Summer.

Thanks, Satan, for your gift of the worst season ever.

Second, is all of the free time. Why is there no school, no work for teachers, limited hours for some other careers? Why? You know who takes breaks? Socialists.

And socialists are practically communists.

And, as George Orwell says, communists are pigs. I’m no pig, and every second of my existence should be productive for the advancement of capitalism as we know it.

Do we want communism to win? Because that’s exactly what summer allows. I will not let summORBACHEV defeat us, thank you.

Third, summer inevitably means “beach season” to many

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people throughout the country, whether they live anywhere near a beach or not.

The beach, or the Devil’s Playground as the sane and righteous summer-haters call it, is riddled with foul disease and horrible creatures. Young girls running around in their “tankinis,” and sand getting into every single crack and orifice in your body.

Disgusting. Beaches are especially dreary in the middle of the country. Ever try to go to a “Great” Lakes beach? Talk about humid, trash-filled depression on a bun.

You ever get a summer job? Working at an amusement park, doing food service or any other summer job that takes half an application and a loose promise to not steal the merchandise sucks the soul out of every participant. Or maybe you’re one of those that got a coveted internship. “Oooh look at me with my fancy title and my relevant work experience.” No, you’re a summer intern because a company wants to pay you very little for arbitrary labor that makes them look like a cutting edge company.

Or maybe you have no job for the summer and are just going with the flow (you know what flows? Magma in HELL).

These are the worst of all, for these Lazy Snoozans sit around all day watching NOTFlix and playing P.S. 67. Shame on you and your evil ways!

The only good thing about summer at this point is that it’s over. Hoorah for us!

We’ve survived another hellish season under Satan in the Sky (yes I mean the EVER BURNING SUN). And with the end of summer, we get back to classes and the cold weather. I, for one, can’t wait to be held up in the library, surrounded by textbooks and research documents, seeing the light of day for one fleeting moment as I slither back into my cave of stress and cramming. Summer is the one time of year where everything’s even more terrible, but it’s finally over.

Welcome back, Case Western, and see ya never, grueSUMMER.

cwruathenian com

A Summer Wish List AKA New Year’s Resolutions Part 2 Sarah Whelan

Between (possible) part time jobs, sleeping 12 hours a day and tanning for basically all waking hours, summer can be a hard time to really accomplish anything.

Not to mention going back home to all the regular chores you haven’t had to do for the past nine months. (Don’t tell parents that; of course laundry was completely kept up with at school!) All of these forgotten time killers (and pretty much no incentive) made it very hard to get through a wellintentioned summer wish list.

As the library starts up its annual reading program offering Slinkys, t-shirts and cheap toys to get the younger generations to read, the rest of us generate our own reading lists. Including but not limited to: all the celebrity gossip that seems to crop up in the warmer months, subscriptions to US weekly or Vogue that weren’t forwarded to college (how else am I supposed to know the summer fashion trends?), Tumblr, Facebook newsfeed (40 more pictures of your African safari? Hold on, let me comment on how fascinating all of them are. My jealousy knows no bounds.) and most importantly, mandated “how to find a job” (in this economy?!) literature. Yes indeed, finding time to read is always difficult in summer, especially given all other obligations. I have found it is much easier to just look at the pictures-I have heard they are worth a thousand words—and as such, don’t stray too far from Instagram.

There are pools to be watched over from a deck chair, fireworks that demand attention, parks visited, radios blasted and mandated large family gatherings.

Vacations to take, tourist traps to spring and road trip nightmares to never forget are almost pre-requisites to spending time under the summer sun. And summer is a great care-free time. Finally get around to getting that tattoo or drastically cutting/

dying hair or getting a new wardrobe!

(Can’t wear last season’s styles now, not when the new stuff is so much different.)

All these self-improvements can occur just in time to go back to school and make an impressive re-appearance.

Of course, these new personality alterations do nothing to improve your standing with the old high school crowd you might still be hanging with. Meeting (or avoiding) those that you like (used to like, or never liked in the first place) from high school demands you come up with some really great college experience stories (where are you going to study abroad?), which can be time-consuming, though rewarding, to say the least.

Personal health goals are another commonly failed summer wish list item: I’ll have time to work out every day! Train for that marathon. Experiment with new healthy summer food recipes found whilst searching for dietary hope during those depressing winter months on Pinterest.

Lose that freshman 15. You know what else goes really well with summer? Ice cream.

While summers spent reinventing personalities or becoming cultured or otherwise accomplishing these aforementioned goals can be rewarding and fulfilling (Re: “Eat, Pray, Love”), there is nothing wrong with lazing around.

The real world will come soon enough to take these lazy summer days away.

In times when I struggle to justify my own laziness I look to the internet for answers: “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” Marthe Troly-Curtin

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The Athenian

How to be Funny Marisa Neel

Would you like to be a comedy writer? Galactica” jokes as well.

Of course you don’t! There are lots of The Internet is entirely unhelpful reasons not to: when you Google “how to be funny,” so -You want to make a real salary. you have to find your humorous inside of -The people of NBC aren’t really you. It’s the long bone in your upper arm. good role models. …Maybe stay away from puns.

-Humorless audiences and abject However, there are some limitations, failure doesn’t appeal to you. since you’ll be writing, and not acting.

-You’re skeptical because you think You can’t really go the slapstick route. you can’t write. That’s (potentially) You can’t paint a picture of Jerry running fixable. around while Tom spontaneously Actually, comedy writing is easily combusts in the background, and expect summarized by a mathematical equation: someone to laugh.

X=(.25P)( Ξπ)¢ You can’t pronounce things in a Where humorous way and say “I used to like π=π drunk driving and then my mom got Ξ = God’s wisdom M.A.D.D.,” and expect someone to ¢ = Luck laugh.

P = the ability to say something racist You can’t act out a scene like “Obama without offending people at a Ke$ha concert” and expect someone We here at the Athenian follow this to laugh. equation (with sig figs), which is why we You can’t possibly convey the hilarity are proudly the #2 humor magazine on of a dog dancing to “Peanut butter jelly Case Western’s time,” and expect campus. someone to laugh.

See, the thing Or maybe, you “Think you have what it about being funny can.

Write, draw or takes? Join our email list to is that you can take photos for the get updates about the next say anything you Athenian, and see how Athenian meetings. Just want, as long as you do. email mxd415@case.edu, your audience Think you have and come join us at our thinks it’s funny. what it takes? Join our next meeting on Aug. 29, So when you email list to get updates 1-2pm.” write, remember about the next Athenian you’re writing meetings. Just email for CWRU. This mxd415@case.edu, directs you (but doesn’t restrict you) and come join us at our next meeting on towards snide remarks about the weather Aug. 29 from 1 to 2pm. and “Doctor Who” jokes.

We can’t wait to see you there!

But, if you’ve never seen an episode And to all the pre-meds out there, of “Doctor Who,” that doesn’t mean remember, laughter is the best medicine you can’t be a comedy writer at right after penicillin.

CWRU. We accept “Battlestar

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Contributors Julia Bianco Barnabas Brennan Kayla Devault Kushagra Gupta Mike McKenna Charlie Topel Please email jab318@case.edu if you are interested in advertising in the next issue of The Athenian!

The next meeting is August 29th, 1-2pm.

There are cash prizes to be had if you like us on Facebook or vote for your favorite article in this issue on our website.

Executives Annie Nickoloff Mahima Devarajan Tejas Joshi Raymond Krajci Greg Ritchey Anastazia Vanisko Sarah Whelan

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CWRU’S STUDENT HUMOR MAGAZINE, EST. 2000