V9#3

$ 6.95

Vol. 9 No. 3

Devoted to Only Children of All Ages

Why Only Children Can Be Hard on Themselves

Club Med Vacation Summer Brain Drain You’re Not Alone Interview with “AirTalk’s” Larry Mantle Dear Only Child www.onlychild.com

CONTENTS 6

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Interview with “AirTalk’s” Larry Mantle When Larr y Mantle talks, Los Angeles listens. When Angelenos listen, they are enter tained, informed, intrigued, and stimulated. Larry has been the host of KPCC’s AirTalk since 1985, the longest running daily talk program in the Los Angeles market.

Club Med Vacation Club Med Ixtapa Pacific is a heavenly Mexican hacienda-style all-inclusive resort nestled between the Sierra Madre Mountains and the shores of the Pacific Ocean.

Why Only Children Can be Hard on Themselves “Whatever else an only child family may be, it is not usually laid back and relaxed. With first child and last child in one, parents take their parenting very seriously because the only child is the only chance at child-raising they get.”

You’re Not Alone As their parents age, adult only children have special needs and concerns.

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Summer Brain Drain Yes, summer learning loss is real.

In fact, that loss equals at least one month of instruction..., especially in math and spelling. What’s to be done?

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Dear Only Child

Only Child answers your e-mails and offers advice.

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Editor-in-Chief Publisher/Creative Director Art Director/Graphic Designer Production/Circulation Copy Editor Editorial Photography Editorial Contributors

Contributing Psychologist

Carolyn Noren White Charles S. White Noriko Carroll Trent Taylor Maggie Becker Charles White Carolyn Noren White Alexis Lam Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D. Lisa Watson Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D.

Only Child (ISSN# 1097-5217) is published semi-annually by Only Child Enterprises, Inc., 137 N. Larchmont Blvd., #556 Los Angeles, CA 90004.

Printed in the U.S.A. Copyright Š2012 by Only Child Enterprises, Inc., All Rights Reserved. No material may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the publisher.

Only Child is not intended to replace advice of health care professionals. Please consult your physician or therapist for your individual health concerns and needs. We welcome your letters and comments. Address them to: onlychild@onlychild.com If for any reason you are not satisfied with this publication, we will refund the prorated portion of your remaining subscription.

All emails and letters become the property of Only Child and may be edited for space and clarity. The publisher assumes no responsibility for unsolicited artwork and manuscripts, or for the return or safety of artwork, photographs or manuscripts. Query letters should be addressed to the editor.

Only Child was founded in 1996 by Only Child Enterprises, Inc. Only Child and onlychild.com are registered trademarks of Only Child Enterprises, Inc.

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Congratulations to our new art director and graphic designer Noriko Carroll for an innovative, dynamic issue. Noriko joined Only Child a few months ago and has added an exciting dimension to the publication. Only Child is indeed lucky to have someone as talented as Noriko working with us. Although Noriko is not an only child she understands them well because her husband is one.

What makes only children different?

No matter how many sociological studies are done or statistics gathered, sometimes what rings most true is anecdotal. Only children certainly aren’t all the same, but they do share some strong characteristics. No statistics here, but change can be hard for only children whose lives have been relatively smooth. Case in point. Our adult only child, the wonderful mother of a two year old, has no trouble adjusting to the many changes her little boy experiences on a daily basis, but change is difficult for her personally. Going with the flow just isn’t in her nature. She prefers to have a plan for just about everything and demands a lot of herself.

That’s her greatest strength but also her greatest weakness because life is messy and requires adaptation. There is a learning curve.

Dr. Carl Pickhardt believes that only children are particularly hard on themselves because they closely identify with their parents, so “they hold themselves to high account.” Because adults look very accomplished to children (although we know how deficient we really are), our kids want to be like us. Only children hope to please and make us proud. But it’s extremely important to help them appreciate their unique qualities and feel confident about being themselves and doing what makes them feel good (within reason, of course).

Our interview with Larry Mantle, who hosts the longest running daily talk show in the Los Angeles market, is an only child who

admits that he likes being in control. But he makes that quality work for him by delegating and trusting others to do their best.

Larry knows how to let his guests take the lead and lead them at the same time. That strategy also works for him at home with his wife and only child Desmond.

Summer plans for only children should include lots of interaction with peers. At the same time, summer brain drain is a proven reality.

Alexis Lam writes knowingly about how to gently nudge your child into preparing for the coming school year. Make it fun, make it stress free by taking the cues from your child. Let him suggest ways to make math and reading more interesting. If you function as a mentor rather than an authority figure, learning will be fun.

One way to have a fabulous summer is to take a Cub Med vacation.

The Club Med Ixtapa, Pacific Mexico featured in this issue has it all. Parents can indulge in water sports, massages, salsa lessons, fitness classes and fabulous food while their child enjoys being with other kids in supervised activities. The mini-club Med offers children ages four through ten years everything from tennis and golf to cooking and circus school. Baby and Petite clubs, make it easy for parents to relax and have alone time knowing that their little one is fully cared for.

Summer offers extensive opportunities for parents and kids to explore and discover new things about themselves and the world.

You don’t even have to leave home to have adventures. You can pitch a tent and let your only child and his friends camp out in your backyard, create a water playground with buckets and sponges, and set up board game competitions. Most importantly, encourage your only child’s independence and provide plenty of ways for her to express her creativity. She will thank you later on.

Carolyn White, Editor-in-Chief Only Child

Larry Mantle

Interview

“AirTalk’s”

Larry Mantle

By Carolyn Noren White

W

hen Larry Mantle talks, Los Angeles listens. When Angelenos listen, they are entertained, informed, intrigued, and stimulated. Larry has been the host of KPCC’s AirTalk since 1985, and it’s the longest running daily talk program in the Los Angeles market.

photography by Charles White OnlyChild

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Interview

Larry Mantle

Larry is an eminently charming only child who possesses a global intelligence. He has a unique ability to ask probing questions of the most recalcitrant guests without alienating them. Those guests have ranged from Presidents of the United States, film stars, scientists, and Pulitzer Prize winning writers to local firefighters, police and educators. Larry tackles a remarkable variety of subjects on a daily basis and is an expert at distilling and communicating them to an incredibly diverse audience.

OC: I have been an avid listener of your show since we began publishing Only Child fifteen years ago, so I’m very excited to talk with you. We started out as a print publication but now are fully digital.

LM: That’s a long time to have been publishing.

for young children to elder care. When we found out that you are an only child, we knew that you would have some significant things to say about being one. Didn’t you dedicate a portion of one of your shows to talking about only children?

LM: Yes

OC: It seems like yesterday. Each issue OC: How did you and do you feel about features an interview with an only child or only child family. Our readers come from all over the world and the issues we cover run the gamut from providing boundaries

being an only child? And having an only child?

LM: I have loved being an only child. And 7

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I was so thankful that my parents didn’t have another. It’s funny because I know other adult only children who disliked it and wished that they had siblings. I was and am very close to my parents. I get them and they get me. We spent and spend a tremendous amount of time together. I see my mom a couple of days a week and really like that level of closeness. Since there are only sixteen or seventeen years between us there’s a commonality of age between my parents and me. The only people I know who didn’t like being only children are the ones who didn’t have particularly close relationships with their parents. I think it all depends on that.

OC:

A lot of comfort in the relationship comes from giving a child enough space to be himself and not trying to make h i m i n yo u r own image.

When there is one child in the family, there can be a tendency to think he has to be everything …the artist, the doctor, the lawyer … every kind of person rolled into one. That’s a big burden.

LM: It is an awful lot and the other thing is that it’s two against one. I’m very aware of that with our son. If we sit down to talk

“... the most important piece of advice... ‘back off’...”

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“The only people I know who didn’t like being only children are the ones who didn’t have particularly close relationships with their parents.” with him about something, it’s two on one, so he doesn’t really have a buffer from us. If he had a sibling it would be different.

OC:

When our daughter was growing up one of us would take a back seat so she didn’t feel like we were ganging up on her. If my husband had something to say to her about a behavior, I would give him the floor and stay quiet. Then I would give her my input later. At least she didn’t feel that she was being pummeled from all sides at once.

LM: I think that’s a terrific idea. I hadn’t thought about that, but it makes a lot of sense, particularly when you’ve got parents who have strong personalities. I think you have to be sensitive to giving your child that space.

OC: We did an interview with CNN a few years ago and they asked me for the one most important piece of advice I could give parents of only children. My advice was, “back off.”

Interview But at the same time you have to give kids appropriate boundaries. So it’s a delicate balance. Were your parents able to do that?

LM: My parents were great at that because they were so young themselves.

OC: Tell me more about them.

LM: Well, my parents got married when my mother was fifteen and my dad was sixteen.

OC: So young!

Larry Mantle

of school and started establishing himself.

He worked for Los Angeles County and finally they were able to afford a house. So we went from a two-bedroom apartment to a house in the Hollywood Hills under the Hollywood sign.

OC: That’s a big shift.

LM: Talk about a culture shock!

OC: Where did you go to high school?

LM: I went to Hollywood High with kids from seventy different countries It was quite a change after the relatively small-

LM: They went to St. George, Utah from Los Angeles so that they could get married with a “... I always loved family member in attendance. radio and as an only My grandfather and great-grandmother went with them. When child radio was a they came back, they moved into companion.” a guest house next door to my paternal grandparents for a short period of time, then got their own apartment a couple of miles away. They had town feel of Inglewood. My peer groups help from my grandparents, but I didn’t live were kids from the hills whose parents were with them. My parents definitely raised me, writers and in the film business. It was a real so I was brought up by teenagers. My father adjustment for me. I fell in with a group of went to college when I was a kid. Then my kids with whom I became very close, but mother started working even before she at first it was daunting. got a high school diploma. When she was eighteen she managed the Broadway Cren- OC: How did you get into broadcasting? shaw’s entire cosmetics department.

LM: Well, I always loved radio and as an OC: She must have been extraordinary. only child radio was a companion. The first thing I ever bought with my own money LM: She’s still a dynamo. She went on to at age five was a little portable transistor be a manager with the telephone company radio. I loved the sound of it, and took it with and was one of the highest-ranking women me just about everywhere. early on. She’s a real go-getter and my dad is very sharp. But I remember him OC: Did that drive your parents crazy? going through school and the family trying to stay afloat financially. It was incredibly LM: My parents were incredibly tolerant. challenging. We lived in a series of different They had me wear an earpiece because apartment buildings in the Inglewood area. they didn’t want to have to listen all the My life changed quite a bit in the middle of time when I was riding in the backseat junior high school. My father had gotten out of the car. Wherever we went I had that 9

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radio. I loved music and talk radio. I even will help them navigate it. liked listening to the news. As I got older I started talking with people who worked in OC: Only Child tries to do something simiradio who all told me the same thing. “ Well lar. There are still so many misconceptions you’re going to have to leave Los Angeles about and stereotypes of only children because it’s very difficult to make a living even though about 20% of families in the in radio here. And even the people at the US are only-child families. I would bet that very top barely make a living wage at it. most people don’t know that it’s the fastest You’re going to bump around the country growing family unit in this country. Spain, from place to place. No one starts in Los Italy and Japan are not replacing their popAngeles, and the odds of ending up back ulations along with China, of course. here are pretty slim unless you’re one of a select few.” That kind of turned me off because it “Some only children wasn’t a life I wanted. I’m not an itinerant kind of person. seem to have a And so in college I decided loneliness about to study to be a Presbyterian minister. them, but my problem

OC:

You went to Fuller Seminary?

LM:

is the opposite. I can’t get enough time by myself.”

I started there, and I got my degree at what’s now called Vanguard University in Orange County where I was a psychology major. I began in biblical studies and went into psychology. After I started at Fuller Seminary, I realized that I didn’t really have the calling for the ministry, and the tug of radio was still there. While at Fuller I started volunteering at KPCC on the Campus of Pasadena City College. They didn’t have a full time job for me so I went to work at a CBS news talk station in Riverside for a while. Then a news director job opened up at KPCC. That was 28 years ago.

OC: Do you think of your show as a kind of ministry?

LM: I do see it that way, but I’m not trying to convert anybody. I am trying to provide a service to people and help them through the complexities of what’s going on in our world. Hopefully I can give them tools that OnlyChild

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LM: So they’re going to be importing workers from higher bir t h rate countries.

OC:

There are ot her economic ramifications as well because there will be fewer young people supporting aging populations. We only have higher birth rates because we have a considerable immigrants.France is in that situation as well. But some stereotypes about only children never seem to go away. People often think that they must be controlling, spoiled and entitled.

LM: I can only speak for myself and the other only children I know. Some only children seem to have a loneliness about them, but my problem is the opposite. I can’t get enough time by myself. I grew up having that, and as an adult it’s harder for me to get it because of the demands of

Interview

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my job and being a parent. I need that kind of space for my own mental health. Ideally I’m more of a loner than I’m realistically able to be in my life. Yet when I’m out with people, I love talking with them and being social. I interview people everywhere I go. When we go on family vacations I’m always talking to the guy who runs the store and asking him his life “I have story.

OC:

Do you t hink that only children can sometimes be more social than those with siblings?

LM:

OC: Psychologists have shown that first born and only children share many of the same characteristics. Both often like to take the lead and organize. Only children sometimes think that people will give them their full attention. Does your son feel that way?

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OC: I wonder where he got that? What were you like as a child?

to say that the only children I know are very socially skilled. ”

Because only children have time and space to think a lot they may not be as reactive. You have a chance to ask questions that have built up over time that interest you. I have to say that the only children I know are very socially skilled. My observation is that having siblings doesn’t help with that at all. Where I do think having siblings may be an advantage is in compromise, in having to negotiate areas where you have to figure out where the boundaries are and how to share things.

There was really no need for that in my environment. When I got married there were things I experienced for the first time. I’d never shared my space before, and that was a learning experience. And I would definitely say that I tend to be more controlling. Would I be that way if I had siblings? Probably so… at least in part. I think that’s part of my wiring.

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LM: He’s such a big personality to be honest that he carries his own spotlight.

He’s highly verbal and has a large vocabulary.

LM: Well, in school I was just happy to kind of go along, but I got a lot of attention from adults because I was articulate and adults aren’t used to that from kids.

OC: It’s important to help all children be good listeners, but I think it’s even truer for only children. Do you and your wife find that you have to make a conscious effort not to give your son too much attention?

LM: Absolutely! But it’s hard to make that call especially when it doesn’t look like I’m working yet need some quiet time to think.

OC: How does your son respond?

LM: He’s great about it, and it’s really my problem not his. He’ll tell me that he will come back later. He’s not demanding, but I worry about it.

OC: So, it’s your guilt.

LM: Yes. I feel that he should be my top priority and unless I’m in the middle of making notes on a book I’m reading I think that I should stop what I’m thinking about and give him my full attention. Yes, it’s my guilt not his demand.

OC: Do you find yourself overcompensating for that guilt?

Interview

LM: I’m not sure. I certainly give him the full attention later. I don’t know about overcompensating. I have to think about that.

OC: Only children are great negotiators.

LM: Desmond is a very good negotiator

Larry Mantle

with the cleaning. That’s our division of labor.

OC: It sounds as if you had a lot of responsibility at a young age.

LM: I was a latchkey kid so my parents expected that when they got home from

and knows how to present a logical argument. The positive side is that you can reason with him. He’s not into irrational arguments, so he’ll try and make his case on a rational basis.

OC: It’s not always possible to negotiate in the real world, so it’s important to know that rejection is part of life. Our daughter got her first job washing jeans at a denim store when she was fourteen. I think it taught her a lot about persistence and learning to deal with what is handed to you.

LM: When I was growing up I did a lot of our family laundry and helped with the house cleaning.

OC: You mus t be a ver y good husband.

LM: I do most of the laundry because I am fussier about how the clothes turn out while my wife is more of a perfectionist

work the ashtrays would be emptied, and the trash would be out on trash day. I even did the marketing at times.

OC: The stereotype of the spoiled only

“I was a latchkey kid. so my parents expected that when they got home from work the ashtrays would be emptied, and the trash would be out on trash day. I even did the marketing at times.”

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Interview

child certainly doesn’t fit you. Does Desmond have chores?

was good at math, and didn’t tend to pry.

So it was safe to have me do it.

LM: He helps me with the laundry, gardening, empties the trash and is expected to keep his room clean. I expect that as time goes on that he’ll take on more responsibilities. The other thing that I did as a kid was to keep the family books. I did all the finances, kept track of our expenditures, and made sure that the budget was being maintained. I started doing that either my last year of junior high or first year of high school. My parents paid me to do it.

OC: It’s pretty amazing that they trusted you with such sensitive things at such a young age.

OC:

That’s so unusual! Did you feel like you were more of an adult than a child?

LM: I just thought I was me. I knew my friends didn’t do what I did but my parents never said that I had to do it. They said, “You’re good with math and we’re busy working. Would you mind taking care of the finances and keeping up the checkbook?” They knew I wasn’t a spendthrift,

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LM: It was great experience for me, and I’m hopeful that as Desmond gets older he might want to do that for us. I learned so much from the experience that I might like him to take over and keep track of the household budget and finances. If he’s not interested that’s fine. I want it to be something that helps him gather skills and understand limitations about how to delay gratification so you can have things in the future. That’s valuable stuff.

OC: I agree but do you think that it took you too much into the adult world?

LM:

Well, it really helped me a lot, so that when I went off to college the only daunting part for me for me was making new friends and handling the coursework.

But I didn’t have to worry about how to

Interview live on the money that I had budgeted or how I was going to keep my room from looking like a pig sty. I had already been doing that stuff.

OC:

Did you live in a dorm at college?

LM: Yes. OC: What was it like to share a small space with a stranger?

LM: I didn’t share. I got a private room.

OC: Oh, you were that only child.

LM: Yes, I didn’t like sharing space with other people. I’m sure I could have done it, but I decided that for an extra twenty dollars a month I could have a private room. I still had to share the shower and bathroom facilities, and I had no problem doing that with a group of guys, but I definitely needed my alone time.

OC:

You knew yourself well, which is important.

Larry Mantle

LM: It may be self-evident, but as I get older I’m more convinced that the key to feeling fulfilled in life is being honest about who you are and what you really need. I have had to come to come to terms with the way I’m wired. It’s like my fussiness about certain things, better to just do it and indulge it. But I don’t have the right to turn it on and be resentful. I can’t resent my wife because she doesn’t do the laundry to my standards.

OC: It saves a lot of suffering to come to grips with those things.

LM: It’s so much easier just to accept and there’s no moral high ground. It’s not better or worse. We all have things that make us feel more comfortable, but I think a lot of times our culture tells us there’s something wrong with that.

OC: How do you respond if people ask if you and your wife are planning to have more children?

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LM: When Desmond was little my wife was asked that all the time, usually by women. It made her feel very pressured.

When people asked, my answer was usually, “I don’t think so. I’m very comfortable, I was an only child and I wouldn’t have had it any differently. I’m very happy with my son being an only child. Now, if he expressed problems with it then I’d certainly take that into account.

I don’t want him to be unhappy, but if he’s happy being an only child I don’t see any reason to make a change.

OC: What was your wife’s response to the questions?

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LM: I think it was hurtful, and I think she often felt intruded on, and that it put her in the difficult position of having to defend her choice.

OC: I used to tell people, “Our family is perfect the way it is.” Somehow everyone thinks it’s their business.

LM:

I love talking with people about life decisions, and I’m not a particularly private person but it’s hard when there’s a negative moral judgment and people think that somehow you’re handicapping your child. If people want to know what the pros and cons are of being an only

Interview

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child and someone is raising some really baggage of a moral judgment. There are good issues that I think different dynamics are wor t h debat ing , wi t h wo m en an d that’s fine. I think that “I think that their siblings than there can be downsides men and their there can be with to being an only child, siblings that enter but I’m fortunate that it downsides to into this. My wife worked out for me, and and her sisters have being an only a v e r y c o m p l e x there wasn’t anything negative about it. child, but I’m dynamic. Also, I think that the dynamics OC: I think it comes fortunate bet ween mot hers down to how you are and daughters are that it being parented. much more complex worked out than between fathers LM: I did feel that my and sons. Guys seem for me, and parents and I were on to be wired pretty the same team. A lot of simply. Things are there wasn’t kids, whether they’re either on or off. anything only children or not, are trying to survive their OC: Women can negative parents. have more drama as about it.” part of their everyday OC: I’ve rarely had a lives. father come up and ask me if I’m going to have more children.

LM: Well there’s an intimacy in it too, a kind of a bond and an emotional investLM: And I think it’s neutral if a guy asks ment that takes place. So when women that question. It doesn’t come with the

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Interview comment or ask, “Oh you’re just having one child?” it’s like checking in.

feel sympathy, but it doesn’t reflect back on your immediate family.

OC:

OC: One of the things that only children often worry about is caring for aging parents.

It’s also a way to bond with your community. Maybe it’s part of our genetic makeup, a way to make sure that the human race continues. When people ask if a child is going to be lonely or are concerned that he won’t be well socialized they can be voicing a societal concern as well as a personal one.

LM: Since my parents had me when they were teenagers, they are still very young, not even seventy and in good health. But at some point I’m sure it’s going to be an issue. I can only imagine the challenges for only children with elderly parents. My

LM: I think there is a worry about damaging kids, and women think more about that than men do. There “There seems to be an idea seems to be an idea out there that having out there that having siblings creates a better siblings creates a better environment for a child because it ’s a more environment for a “normal” experience.

OC: There are so many

child because it’s a more ‘normal’ experience.”

different kinds of families now that “normal” simply doesn’t apply. But I do think that parents with multiple children tend to have more of a live and let live attitude. With one child it’s the first and last time you’re experiencing everything.

LM: That’s high-stakes parenting.

OC: Our daughter was able to create longlasting bonds with girls who essentially became her sisters. To this day they are the people she turns to and who turn to her for support. Biological sisters can be highly competitive, and when they grow up they aren’t always close.

LM: I think when you have siblings, and I say this not having experienced it, but there is a sort of emotional ego investment when your siblings are out in the world because in a sense they represent you as part of your family. If a friend does something stupid, you may

father-in-law has been the caregiver for his dad and it’s been difficult.

OC: Even when you have siblings it doesn’t always work out that more than one person is truly engaged in caring for a family member.

LM: Or there can be conflict over how best to care. Which is maybe even worse than if you had to take it on yourself.

OC:

I agree.

LM: A lot of times it seems like there will be one person who takes the lead and then the others sit in the wings and are critical or even hostile.

OC: Let’s talk about you professionally for a moment. What has been your favorite interview?

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LM: That’s a hard one. I’ve had so many interviews that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed over the years. One of my recent favorites was with Dick Van Dyke. What a delightful man! I enjoyed Barack Obama very much when he was in. When you interview thousands of people you get a small sense of who they are in the world even though you have a very short exposure to them.

I felt that I had known Dick Van Dyke my whole life. Gene Wilder was one of my favorite interviews. We really clicked and he was so spontaneous.

OC: What was one of the most surprising interviews you’ve had?

LM: I think it was the first year of my show.

It was with a woman a lot of your readers probably will have never heard of named Tempest Storm, a famous burlesque star.

She had written her memoir, which was full of very difficult childhood incidents.

But she was so forthcoming about her life and her experiences. She only had a rudimentary education yet had some very insightful things to say about life and how she made her way. I just found her

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absolutely captivating. She was one of the first to show me that when someone brings their authentic self to a conversation it can make magic on the radio. Those are the kinds of people I like best.

OC: That’s got to be a rarity.

LM: It really is. I saw an interview on Charlie Rose with David Letterman where Letterman dropped his character and did the interview with Rose as himself.

It was a totally different person than the David Letterman persona. It was riveting because Letterman decided he was just going to come in and be real. What an interesting, intelligent guy! He didn’t toss off any jokes and dropped the sort of irony of his usual delivery.

OC: What was Charlie Rose like in that interview?

LM: He took the opportunity and went with it.

OC: How do you feel listening to other interviewers?

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Larry Mantle

“When you are the only child in a family, you often have to do some pretty heavy lifting especially if you have a single parent. The idea that only children are sitting around popping grapes inTO their mouths seems antiquated.”

LM: It depends on who it is. I’m probably the best fan of good interviewing you could find because I realize what goes into it. Usually I’m totally able to be a fan, and other times I get exasperated and can’t even watch or listen because I feel like the interview is phoned in. Now, not every interview works. I just want to see the effort.

OC:

Sometimes it must be like pulling

LM:

Yes, and then he started opening up and said that he had no memory of even having filmed that scene. Once he’s done it, it’s gone for him. He’s also clearly uncomfortable observing his performance. It was surprising to interview someone so talented who also seemed so uncomfortable being exposed to his work. Gandolfini was a challenging interview.

teeth.

OC: That must have been very frustrating.

LM: Sometimes.

LM: I actually enjoyed that interview very much because it called on me to try and find ways of getting him to talk about his craft.

OC: Didn’t you recently interview James Gandolfini?

LM: Yes. OC:

It felt like Gandolfini was phoning that one in.

LM: You know he gets uncomfortable and actually pulls physically away from the microphone. I played a scene from the Sopranos between Tony and his Psychologist that was extremely powerful and asked Gandolfini to respond to it, He seemed very uncomfortable talking about his process for doing the scene.

OC: Didn’t he say “I have to go back and think about that?”

OC: I also listened to your interview with Kareem Abdul-Jabar…another only child.

You were prodding him about the NBA and Lakers and he just wasn’t having any of it. Kareem was complaining about a statue not being erected to him outside the Staples Center. Do you think it was an “only child thing?”

LM:

He said that he understood why people were upset with him for griping about a statue when so many people are unemployed. But he thinks that he is due that respect as a former star player and coach. I gave him a chance to respond to that criticism.

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Interview

OC: And I recall that he did very well.

LM: I thought he handled it gracefully and showed some humility. He’s a very sharp, complicated personality.

OC:

Kareem has a lot of charities that he works with, and we are starting to feature the good works that only children do in their communities and with national charities.

LM: That’s great.

OC: Too many people believe that only children think primarly about themselves and it’s just not true. You are a good example of an only child who understands t he impor tance of bringing people together.

LM: It’s so funny that you say this because I just don’t encounter negative attitudes.

OC:

If you read our emails you would understand.

LM: Well, that seems so misguided.

OC: But it’s out there.

LM: Maybe in really affluent families that kind of thing still happens, but I know that most families aren’t in a position to cater to their child.

OC: Families with two or three children can spoil them just as much as they might spoil one. Parents have to model the kinds of people they want their children to be.

There is no ideal family, so everything comes down to the relationship with your child and the home environment. Even school is secondary to what happens at home.

LM: I worry about the demands of the school versus what I want to do with my child. I want to have the space to talk about

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my show with my son whenever he’s interested in the topics. And I want to be able to show him things. For instance, we just finished watching the greatest films of three masters of silent films. I have a lot to teach my child and I don’t want school to get in the way of that.

OC: That’s a really good point. I don’t think that I’ve ever heard a parent put things quite that way.

LM: It’s wonderful to have your child at a great school, but other things are equally important. If he has so much homework that I can’t show him Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin and we can’t talk about it after we see the films or we can’t read Sherlock Holmes together, then we have to rethink his education. I know he’s going to read and master the math, but if we miss the opportunity to learn about the arts and culture, we’re not going to get that time back OC: No and you have a few short years before he’s a teenager when friends take over much of his life.

LM: So I feel like we have to make family time a priority. It’s important because then he takes his experiences into the classroom. He’s talked to his class about silent films and now some of the other parents have started renting them. Film is a very important art form and one of my passions. Kids love physical comedy so now Desmond can recite site chapter and verse on Lloyd and Keaton and Chaplin.

OC: What an indulgence for you too.

LM: Oh it’s great.

OC: How do you think your parents got so wise so young?

LM: People ask me that all the time. My mom tells me that she just knew she was

Interview

Larry Mantle

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Larry Mantle

Interview

going to be a good mother and my dad was going to be a good father. She felt that they both had the ability to love and that was enough. I know it’s so innocent, but they are can-do people. If I called my mother right now and asked her to do something, she would get it done. So she knew she didn’t want to give me up when she got pregnant. My dad is a very cerebral guy who read a lot of stuff about raising kids and learning about it from other people.

From an early age I remember him asking me if I was feeling happy about my life and if there were things I wasn’t getting that I needed. He was this teenage boy who was always checking in with me. My parents had a high emotional IQ.

OC: He must have had good parents.

LM:

You know, it’s odd because he actually had a very contentious relationship with his parents. But they’re very verbal too, and some of my earliest memories are of my dad and my grandparents debating everything from politics to religion.

LM:

Oh, it was very difficult. But my parents are very different types. My mother’s extremely gregarious and social and my dad is very quiet. Intellectually I understood why they divorced, but it was hard emotionally. I cried a lot. But it’s worked out very well for them and the good thing is that it was an amicable split.

OC:

Did they ever talk about having another child?

LM: I certainly encouraged them not to have another child. I don’t know how much influence that had.

OC: Probably a lot.

LM: I told them I would prefer to be an only child.

OC: How old were you when you voiced that opinion?

LM: Probably pretty early because they gave me so much space for input.

OC: Statistically the chances of your par- OC: Well, that is an only-child trait. They ents’ marriage ever working at all were very slim.

don’t easily relinquish their privilege to be heard.

LM: Oh yes.

LM: Yes. And I say this as an adult now (al-

OC: And then having done such an amazing job with you.

though I don’t know if this was conscious at the time), I think I was a little worried about how well they would handle two kids.

LM: They did ultimately divorce but not until I was in college. They were together the whole time that I lived with them.

OC: What do you mean?

OC:

The divorce must have been very hard for you. .

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LM: I think it would have added stress to the relationship that might have broken them up, and I think I might have sensed that. It all worked out for the best.

Interview

Larry Mantle

“The Public Radio News Directors award in 2009 was given for an interview with film director Werner Herzog. The National Entertainment Journalism awards honor in 2011 was for my interview with Dick Van Dyke. My most recent L. A. Press Club awards were in 2010. The categories were Best Talk Show, for my live three-hour remote broadcast from Phoenix on the day SB 1070 (anti-illegal immigration law) went into effect, and Best Entertainment Reporting for my interview with film director Oliver Stone.”

Society of Professional Journalists – Distinguished Radio Journalist of the Year – 2010 Radio & TV News Association of Southern California -- 12 Golden Mike awards for journalistic excellent Public Radio News Association – Best Interview in the country – 2009 Greater Los Angeles Press Club – multiple winner Best Radio Talk Show & Best Public Affairs Show National Entertainment Journalism Awards – Best Interview & Best Feature -- 2010 New Times Los Angeles – Best Talk Show on Los Angeles radio (multiple honor)

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Club Med Ixtapa Pacific, Mexico OnlyChild

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G

uests choosing to vacation at Club Med Ixtapa Pacific can stay at the No.1 Top Hotel in Mexico for Families as ranked

by Trip Advisor. Guests will enjoy spacious family rooms and activities from sailing and archery to the flying trapeze and salsa lessons. For a more relaxing experience, couples can dine at one of three restaurants, sip on cocktails under the stars, lounge by the pool or indulge in the fullservice spa.

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lub Med Ixtapa Pacific is a heavenly Mexican hacienda-style allinclusive resort nestled between the Sierra Madre Mountains and the shores of the Pacific Ocean. It’s nirvana for parents an kids alike.

Whether you travel with your only child, friends, or as a couple, you’ll love the value of a Club Med all-inclusive escape where everything is included in one convenient price. Enjoy gourmet dining throughout the day prepared by international chefs and a full open bar with premium alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages. Take part in an array of activities throughout the day and enjoy nightly entertainment every evening.

Whether you just want to relax, or participate in every activity, this resort will satisfy your every need. Both children and adults alike can decide when and what they would like to engage in throughout the day. Sports, fitness classes, discovery programs and more are at your disposal. Club Med offers flying trapeze and circus activities. Who hasn’t dreamt of jumping on a trampoline, flying through the air, or juggling like a clown?

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Also, on the edge of the magnificent beach bordered by coconut trees, guest can take a catamaran lesson. Sail solo, with a friend, or take a lesson with an expert G.O. The club welcomes children of all ages with supervision, for each age group from four months to 10 years, children have a thirst for everything. Mini Club Med has planned everything in order to meet these needs.

Club Med Passworld, a new exclusive concept dedicated to young people between 11 and 17 years, allows teens to discover creative, sports, or artistic activities.

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Club Med caters to families with deluxe family rooms and countless familyfriendly amenities and activities. The children’s programs invite little ones to participate and grow in programs specially designed for their age group.

Activities include everything from junior tennis, golf and sailing to circus school, Le Petit Chef™ cooking lessons and Zumbatomic™.

They also makes it exceedingly easy when traveling with a baby with the Baby Welcome Program. Highchairs, cribs, strollers, bottle warmers, bathtubs and much more are readily available upon arrival to ensure that both parents and their baby have a seamless vacation experience.

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IXTAPA PACIFIC EXPERIENCE Capturing the charisma, character and charm of the ancient fishing village of Zihuatanejo, Club Med Ixtapa Pacific is a hacienda-style resort nestled between the Sierra Madre mountains and the shores of the Pacific Ocean 161 miles north of Acapulco. Ixtapa Pacific was built with minimal impact to the nature and beauty of Mexico. The resort was awarded with a Silver EarthCheck Certification as a result of significantly reducing its consumption of natural resources. Ixtapa Pacific was also the winner of Trip Advisors Travelers’ Choice Award for 2010 and Travelers’ Choice Family Award for 2011. The resort is made up of oceanfront open-air buildings providing magnificent views of the Pacific.

ACCOMMODATIONS 298 GUEST ROOMS AND 15 COUPLE AND FAMILY SUITES Guest rooms are filled with vibrant colors and provide a spacious and relaxing haven for guests. Features include a flat screen television, a mini-refrigerator, coffee maker and more.

Sol — the boutique luxury space within the resort —delivers the utmost in comfort, including couple and family suites, a private lounge and personalized concierge service, complimentary internet access, breakfast room service, turn-down service, private beach access and more.

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ROOM CATEGORIES 15 Suites • 15 Family Suites 45 Deluxe Family Rooms with balcony 60 Family Rooms • 161 Club Rooms 2 Accessible Rooms

CHILDRENS CLUBS The award-winning children’s programs are designed to provide educational activities for children from four months to seventeen years, keeping them happily active with playgrounds, a water splash park and kid-sized restaurant, La Sirena. Qualified staff allow parents to relax and enjoy themselves knowing their little ones are well looked after.

Your only child won’t ever have a chance to tell you he has no one to play with! Baby* and Petite* Club Med provides indoor and outdoor age appropriate programs for children up to three years old, while activities for kids from four to 17 include ever y thing from creative games and Zumbatomic™ to circus school and cooking class where they learn how to create local dishes. Kids are invited to enjoy the Pyjama Club* at night, allowing parents to enjoy in a romantic dinner for two as well as the evening’s entertainment.

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DINING EL ENCANTO The resort’s main restaurant serves a buffet-style breakfast with made-toorder omelets, full lunch menu, a dinner menu that changes daily and babycorner, including baby food, juices and fresh purees daily. With five themed rooms, guests can enjoy the mirror room, mask room, garden room, aquarium, planetarium or the large outdoor terrace overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

LA LUNA AZUL La Luna Azul is a hacienda-style sit-down restaurant with table service, situated in the middle of a garden and along the ocean, featuring original, inventive and refined cuisine.

MIRAMAR Surrounded by the sound of crashing waves and views of pristine beaches, guests can enjoy a late-breakfast, a light grill menu for lunch and, in the evening under the stars, an Argentinean steakhouse.

SIRENA A restaurant designed to specifically to cater to the “little ones,” Sirena provides a comfortable setting to enjoy a balanced meal in the Mini Club.

This “rainforest-style” eatery has been specially created for children, offering balanced meals with activities and and entertainment for the young ones.

BARS LA ESTRELLA The main bar of the resort features an ocean view terrace and a vintage Mexican movies design theme offering guests a place to relax and enjoy specialty cocktails throughout the day.

LA PERLA This poolside lounge bar welcomes guests all day long.

MIRAMAR Miramar beach bar is a daytime hot spot, where guests can enjoy their time

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with family or friends.

Flying Trapeze and Circus School

WATER ACTIVITIES

Tennis and tennis lessons

Kayaking

Archery

Sailing

Club Med Fitness classes

Water Polo

Wall climbing

Aquafitness

Basketball

Swimming

Beach volleyball Club Med Gym and weight room Soccer

POOLS

Volleyball

The village features three pools includ-

Power walk

ing one for Mini Club Med.

LAND ACTIVITIES

Zumbatomic for kids Baby Gym

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Table tennis

*Additional cost

CULTURAL & ADVENTURE ACTIVITIES OFFSITE*

SPA* & FITNESS*

Deep sea fishing Golf Horseback riding Swim with the dolphins Lobster lunch on the Island of Ixtapa Visit the fishing village of Zihuantenejo Magical Sunset Cruise

The resort offers a fitness room that overlooks the Pacific Ocean, as well as a daily program of fitness classes, including cardio splash and Zumba速. *Additional cost

Visit Acapulco

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A full-service spa is available to all guests, offering a range of indigenous treatments and services, from massages and facials to herbal treatments and body scrubs. The Spa at Club Med Ixtapa Pacific offers soothing oceanfront palapas for massages, leaving guests with a complete sense of wellness and relaxation.

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CLIMATE A semi-tropical climate year around with an average of 300 sunny days a year and temperatures ranging from 73째F to 93째F.

AIR ACCESS* Club Med Ixtapa Pacific is a 30-minute drive from the IxtapaZ i h u a t a n e j o I nte r n at i o n a l Airport. *Additional cost

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Summer Brain Drain

By Alexis Lam

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Summer Enrichment

A

h summer…depending on what your family has planned, your only child may be spending long, hot days away at camp, day dreaming in a classroom in summer school, or hanging out with friends at home. Inevitably, summer brain drain will hit and most everything that your child has learned during the previous school year will melt away faster than a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream in 85-degree heat.

Yes, summer learning loss is real. In fact, that loss equals at least one month of instruction (Cooper et. al (1996), especially in math and spelling. What’s to be done? It’s important for your child to have a break from school, to unwind and enjoy her friends and being outside. In fact, it’s an essential part of her growth between school years. However, whether you

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Summer Enrichment

have an elementary school-age child or a teenager, keeping up just a few academic rituals throughout the summer can ease the transition from long beach days to homework, projects and scheduling madness.

If you’re thinking of supervising your only child’s academic review this summer, be sure to discuss ahead of time that you have this in mind, and explain why it will make getting back to school just a bit easier. It’s all about communication. Although you might meet resistance at first, make your child a part of deciding at what point during the summer he would like to do the review. Including your child in the decision will decrease stress around the process. Your child may even know about materials (computer games, programs, fun books, etc.) that some of his friends might be using this summer and he may even ask to use the same methods.

If your child is “borderline” in a subject area—for example, your son is heading into geometry but he had a difficult time in algebra—select three or more weeks of the summer (preferably towards the start of school) when he can do some scheduled math review. This might be on his own with a review book (math review books at every level can be purchased at most bookstores and/or online) or even with a tutor once or twice a week. Perhaps you even remember your Algebra (really? ) and can help out. Twenty to thirty minutes of review three times a week can make a tremendous difference in a student’s confidence when school begins.

Summer is also a great time for students to get more involved with reading. If your child loves to read, then you’re in luck. Try and exercise her com-

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Summer Enrichment

prehension abilities by having her read one grade level above where she would normally read. If the Twilight series, Harry Potter or The Hunger Games are age appropriate for your child, you might even consider reading the books at the same time.

That way, you’re able to create a “family book club” which will allow you to discuss themes within the books along with your child, which is always more fun than going it alone. However, if your child isn’t necessarily a “reader,” then suggest books and articles that are fun and interesting for her. At a certain point, reading most anything is better than not reading at all

so whether it’s Car and Driver, Gossip Girl, or the sports section of the local paper, encourage structured reading time over the summer whenever possible. Family vacations are a great time for kids to read. From plane time to pool time, as long as your child is reading something she enjoys (even if you think it’s too elementary or “trashy”), she’ll keep reading and most importantly, she’ll continue to like reading.

For more tips on avoiding summer brain drain, visit our blog at alisttutoring.com

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WHY ONLY CHILDREN CAN BE HARD ON THEMSELVES Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. Š 2012

W

hy can an only child be so hard on themselves? I believe the answer is partly found in the dynamics of the only-child family.

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Whatever else an only child family may be, it is not usually laid back and relaxed. With first child and last child in one, parents take their parenting very seriously because the only child is the only chance at child-raising they get. Conscientious, deliberate, careful, forward looking, and highly responsible, they want to do right by their child and for the child’s future. In response to their loyal dedication, the child wants to do right by the parents too. In an only child family, parents and only child are trying very hard for each other.

While parents will say that they simply want the best for their only child, the child may interpret this well-wishing differently: “They want the best from me, they mean!” And to some degree the only child is usually correct. With the parents’ high investment in their single child comes a high expectation of return – for her to be well, to do well, and to turn out well. For the only child, that expectation can feel like an obligation to repay parents for all they have given. And should anything go “wrong” in the child’s

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“While parents will say that they simply want the best for their only child, the child may interpret this well-wishing differently: “They want the best from me, they mean!’” life, from problems encountered to unhappiness experienced, the parents are likely to fault themselves. “What could we have done differently to spare our only child this difficulty or pain?”

Parents of an only child are hard upon themselves. And since the rule of imitation, “like parents/like child,” is always in force in the only-child family because of how closely the only child identifies with parents, the boy or girl learns to hold themselves to high account, to be hard upon themselves, just like the parents.

Then there are three additional factors in the only child family that contribute to how hard the only child can be on themselves.

First, there is striving to match parental performance. Because there are no siblings in the family, the differentiation between parents and children that occurs in the multiple child family, where there is the distinction between the “we” of parents and the “they” of children is less likely to be made. In the only child family, the child tends to feel part of parental “we,” accepted into the parents’ social world, adultized by primary companionship with parents, socially and verbally precocious on account of that association. Granted a degree of equal standing and say with parents, feeling

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much like their social equal, the child is prone to applying equal standards to his own performance. He believes he should strive to perform as well as they and so develops exaggerated performance standards in response. Often treated as older than his age,

“the watchword for parents is: maintain sufficient distinction between parents and only child so she measures herself by standards that fit her younger age, and not the older age of parents.� he pushes himself to act that way, and learns to be hard on himself in the process.

The watchword for parents is: maintain sufficient distinction between parents and only child so she measures herself by standards that fit her younger age, and not the older age of parents.

Second, there is striving to make parents proud. Because parents loom so important in the only child’s life, because they do so much for him, because they matter so much, there is a heightened desire to satisfy parents and make them proud. Conversely, there is often a fear of displeasing, of not measuring up to what parents want, of letting them down, of disappointing them and in the process becoming disappointed in himself. So when mistakes are made, when failure occurs, when problems arise, when parental expectations are not met, the only child can be hard on himself because he struggles so hard to please. The second watchword for parents is: ease the concern for their approval by constantly affirming the unconditional commitment of parental love.

Third, there is the only child striving to do well for themselves. Thought well of by parents, the only child tends to think well of herself and is usually dedicated to doing well on her behalf, high self-esteem and a strong achievement motivation both hallmarks of most only children. But how well is the question? In general, their reviews of her capacity and potential is overstated by enthusiastic parents as they make more of her accomplishments than is necessarily so, creating the impression that she is superior, exceptional, and outstanding when in more objective eyes she is simply average. To the degree that that the only child believes these rave reviews, she may be encouraged to strive to achieve beyond what her operating capacities actually allow. Because her parents think she is a star in their eyes, she believes he must strive for stardom. She may even believe that she has to turn out well to make her parents look good. So the only child can be hard on herself in this quest for high accomplishment. The third watchword for parents is: help your only child develop a realistic assessment of her capacities.

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“The second watchword for parents is: ease the concern for their approval by constantly affirming the unconditional commitment of parental love.”

If the only child has ample cause to be hard on him or herself, is this necessarily a bad thing? I don’t think so. There is integrity – holding oneself to high account. There is principle – sticking to one’s values. There is motivation – determination to do well for oneself. Family composition – whether for the only child or for one of a certain number – always exerts formative influence on a boy or girl’s development. As a middle child, that was formative for me. As the oldest child, that was formative for my father. As the youngest child, that was formative for my mother. The point is, whatever family composition we come out of, we all have to learn to play the hand we’re dealt.

“The third watchword for parents is: help your only child develop a realistic assessment of her capacities”

Carl Pickhardt’s next parenting book, “Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence,” will be published in January 2013 by Jossey-Bass/ Wiley. More information at: www.carlpickhardt.com

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You’re Not Alone

by Carolyn White

As their parents age, adult only children have special needs and concerns that often go unrecognized. The pressures, guilt, fears, and sense of loss that often come into play when elderly parents need help or are ill, particularly with diseases like Alzheimer’s or Dementia, are inevitably the only child’s responsibility. Given the close relationships many only children have with their parents, these situations can be more painful and unrelenting in their demands than when shared with siblings. Many only children have older parents, so the reality of illness and death can present themselves sooner. Some only children in their twenties begin to think about how they will care for their parents in the future.

“On the positive side, only children don’t have to argue with siblings about the decisions they have made for their parents, nor do they have to deal with sibling issues that have never been adequately resolved.”

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On Their Own One gerontologist who has practiced for many years is not surprised that 60% of those who seek her advice in caring for elderly parents are only children. On the positive side, only children don’t have to argue with siblings about the decisions they have made for their

“Thinking that they are indomitable, it’s all too easy for only children caregivers to become isolated, overwhelmed and lose track of their own needs.” parents, nor do they have to deal with sibling issues that have never been adequately resolved. There are no arguments, but the comfort that sharing brings is also absent. Because only children usually grow up to be very independent, they may find it difficult to share responsibilities with family members: husbands, wives, or children. There is a popular misconception that only children are dependent and clingy. Nothing could be further from the truth. A 1974 government study concluded that children from large families were actually more dependent on their families than only children.

Self-confidence is an only-child trait. America has always admired self-reliance, and the only child’s belief in himself and stoicism in the face of adversity are fine qualities, but they have their drawbacks.

Thinking that they are indomitable, it’s all too easy for only children caregivers to become isolated, overwhelmed and lose track of their own needs. There are ways to avoid isolation and more effectively handle the demands of care giving. Lauren Capparell, a clinical nurse manager at UCLA’s Neurophsychiatric Institute, works in geriatric services and runs support groups for caregivers. An only child herself, she says that a large number of people in her support groups are only children. Many of these caregivers are members of the sandwich generation, juggling the demands of raising teenage children with the demands of caring for parents who once cared for them. Adult only children need to understand that their close ties with their parents will always be there even though their roles may be somewhat different. In her book, How To Care For Aging

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Parents, Virginia Morris writes: “Now that your parent needs you, both the bond and aggravation are magnified. This is the paradox of parent care. On the one hand, the prospect of losing your parent intensifies your love, and this time together is precious. On the other hand, you are dealing with painful and often contentious issues, and your roles – who is in charge, who is the “parent” – are less clear and sometimes uncomfortable.” Morris emphatically believes that caregivers should NOT try to parent their parents. She writes, “If

“Only children who care for patients at home are particularly susceptible to stress-related physical problems.” your parent is no longer able to care for herself, you may have new responsibilities, ones that may at times resemble those of parenting. But your parent is and always will be your parent, and you will always be her child.” Morris emphasizes that thinking that your roles have been reversed can only lead to “frustration” and “dead ends.” As you help your parent tie her shoelaces or make her way to the doctor, remember that while you may draw on some of your parenting skills to help manage the situation, your parent is still an adult and needs to be treated and respected as one. Morris believes that having this attitude will make life easier. As much as possible give your parent things to do that make her feel useful.

Small tasks like washing a dish or putting a magazine back on a shelf can encourage a sense of independence. Even parents who suffer from Alzheimer’s or Dementia can be encouraged to do for themselves instead of having you do everything for them. Only children who care for patients at home are particularly susceptible to stress-related physical problems. In Longevity Magazine, Epidemiologist Lisa Fredman of the University of Maryland School of Medicine, reported that of 165 caregivers she interviewed, 19% reported a gain or loss of at least 10 pounds since taking on care giving duties. In addition, 24 % of the smokers increased their habit.” Fredman explains that, “It’s often difficult for caregivers to gauge just how much stress they are under. Weight change may be an indicator that it’s time for the caregiver to start thinking about

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taking care of her or himself, whether that means hiring outside help or joining a support group.” Lauren Capparell also sees many caregivers who are hidden patients. Caregivers who get less sleep than is healthy, withdraw from socializing, and have difficulty communicating with family members are at risk. Signs of caregiver stress can be any one or a combination of the following: depression, anxiety, exhaustion, drug and alcohol abuse, anger, frustration, and resentment. Capparell has practical suggestions to side step caregiver burnout.

Be Good To Yourself 1. If you are angry, recognize that underneath the anger, there is a lot of loss.

2. If you are upset with family members who aren’t supportive, call a family meeting. Map out a strategy for meeting your parent’s needs. Being a victim isn’t productive.

3. Get the help you need. Make a list of all the things family and friends can help you with. Often friends are more willing to pitch in than family members. It might be as simple as picking up an extra quart of milk when they go to the store. It’s NOT better if you try to do everything.

4. Set realistic goals. Recognize that everything is a process.

5. Try to get eight hours of sleep a night.

6. If you are having difficulty with your spouse or partner, consider seeing a therapist or joining a support group.

7. If you can’t decide what sort of care your parent needs or how to take the next step in care giving, contact a Geriatric Case Manager to help you sort out things.

8. If you have begun to feel like a prisoner, consider bringing your

“The adult only child needs to understand that if he is worn out, he isn’t going to be much good to anyone else.”

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parent to a Respite Care Center for short term care so you can go shopping, to a movie, or even away for a few days. Many retirement homes and nursing facilities have space available for short-term care.

9. Educate yourself about your loved one’s condition. Information can conquer fear.

10. Watch out for signs of depression. Seek professional help as soon as you think you need it.

Sense of Duty

The only child’s sense of duty and responsibility runs deep. As adult caregivers they often feel that they have to sacrifice everything for their parents.

After all, their parents gave so much to them. The adult only child needs to understand that if he is worn out, he isn’t going to be much good to anyone else. Suzanne Mintz, president and cofounder of the National Family Caregivers Association based in Kensington, Maryland explains, “It’s like what they tell you about oxygen masks on an airplane. Put your own on first so you don’t pass out before you help your child.” It is most important for only child caregivers to join support groups and communicate with others, especially other only children who are having a similar life experience. No one understands an only child better than another only child. Talk is both informative and healing. People who do well at care giving share responsibilities, have confidantes, take frequent breaks, are flexible and pay attention to their own health. Your parents would never want you to sacrifice your well being for theirs. It is essential for you to find a balance between what you would like to give and what you realistically can give. All of that giving is not without rewards. You are caring for someone you love while keeping them as independent as possible. A study begun in 1990 at the Rosalynn Carter Institute for Human Development at Georgia Southwestern State University, found that 88% of family caregivers said the job was rewarding.

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The National Family Caregiving Council conducted its first caregiver survey in 1994.

The majority of respondents had been caregiving intensely for five years or more. The survey found that 70% of caregivers found a strength they didn’t know they had. 36% said they developed a closer relationship with the person they helped. 34% learned new proactive skills. So while caregiving can be exhausting and stressful, it can also help us grow if we reach out to one another and recognize our limitations.

Caregiver Resources:

Senior Companion Programs and friendly visitors. Volunteers visit homebound seniors. Such programs are frequently run by local social service agencies, religious organizations or senior centers. Local Colleges and Universities: Many college students will live in and take on duties like driving in exchange for room and board. You can reach these students through college newspapers, the Internet, and through college work-study offices.

Also use search engines such as Google for up-to-the minute information on programs and services in your area.

www.eldercare.gov Contact your local Area Agency on Aging. To find a publicly funded agency that serves your area call Eldercare Locator: 1-800- 677-1116 The Eldercare Locator database is designed to link older adults and their caregivers to unbiased information and assistance resources at the state and community level.

www.thefamilycaregiver.org The National Family Caregivers Association educates, supports, empowers and speaks up for the more than 65 million Americans who care for loved ones with a chronic illness or disability or the frailties of old age. NFCA reaches across the boundaries of diagnoses, relationships and life stages to help transform family caregivers’ lives by removing barriers to health and well being.

www.caremanager.org Locate a Geriatric Case Manager through The National Association of Geriatric Care Managers: NAPGCM is a non-profit professional development organization whose mission is to advance professional geriatric care management through education, collaboration, and leadership. A professional Geriatric Care Manager (GCM) is a health and human services specialist who helps families who are caring for older relatives. The GCM is trained and experienced in any of several fields related to care management,

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including nursing, gerontology, social work, or psychology.

www.nationalpartnership.org The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) was the first national policy designed to help working Americans meet the dual demands of work and family. It guarantees eligible employees 12 weeks of unpaid leave each year to care for a newborn or newly adopted child, seriously ill family member, or to recover from their own serious health conditions, while ensuring job security.

www.aarp.org AARP is a nonprofit organization that offers information and resources, educational programs, advocacy, and community services and support for adults 50 and older The AARP website contains an extensive caregiver section that provides information on caregiver support, long-term care, home care, housing, and caregiving for adult children Publications are available online and can also be mailed free upon request.

www.aoa.gov The U. S. Administration on Aging is the federal agency that oversees the National Family Caregiver Support Program. This web site includes the Eldercare Locator, which helps locate services for an older person in his or her locality. AoA has a main caregiver resource web site and information on the National Family Caregiver Support Program.

www.asaging.org The American Society on Aging is a nonprofit organization committed to enhancing the knowledge and skills of those working with older adults and their families ASA offers a diverse array of educational programming, publications and information and training resources about the field of aging.

www.alfa.org The Assisted Living Federation of America is a trade association that represents the assisted living industry ALFA provides information and education to consumers, industry partners and researchers. Its web site provides an online directory of homes and services

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by city and state.

www.medicare.gov Find the latest information about Medicare.

National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (N4A) -

www.n4a.org

The National Association of Area Agencies on Aging is the umbrella organization for the 655 Area Agencies on Aging throughout the United States, which provides information and access services, and coordinates and administers programs for adults such as community and home-based services. The Eldercare Locator, established by the U.S. Administration on Aging in 1991, and administered by N4A, provides callers with information about local services by zip code.

National Council on the Aging (NCOA) - www.ncoa.org NCOA works to promote the dignity, self-determination and well being of older persons through a wide variety of services and programs. NCOA primarily works with community organizations and professionals to help them enhance the lives of older persons.

Social Security - www.socialsecurity.gov Find the latest information on Social Security.

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OnlyChild

Dear Only Child STRIKE A CHORD My husband and I have a 5-year old daughter and are not planning to have any more children. Sometimes we feel guilty about denying her relationships with siblings, but we simply do not want any more children. We get the usual remarks about how spoiled and self-centered she will be without any brothers and sisters and how awful it is to raise her by herself. Sometimes those comments really strike a nerve and make me self-conscious. When she throws a temper tantrum or doesn’t share, I know onlookers are thinking, “That’s what happens with an only child!” I would definitely like to receive information on subscribing to your magazine.

Try to relax about having an only child. Guilt is not a reliable emotion and can only make you and your child feel badly. No matter how you try to hide your guilt, a child can pick up on it. Your daughter may then act out her feelings in inappropriate behavior. Spend your time and energy wisely when it comes to dealing with what are really issues of growing up that ALL children experience. All five-year-old children get frustrated.

You need to help your daughter channel her frustrations in productive ways. Don’t worry about other peoples’ reactions. Also, children don’t need siblings to experience sibling relationships. Close friends can offer the same experiences for your child. Peer relationships will help develop and refine your daughter’s social skills. Also, your child’s friends and playmates will put her in her place if she gets out of line, She will learn social boundaries from others as well as you. Usually only children are quite good at sharing with their friends because they don’t have to share with brothers and sisters. If your child has a temper tantrum... it’s TIME OUT! Separate her from the situation, no matter how it may make you look. Try to remember, there are no perfect five year olds just as there are no perfect 35 year olds.

Don’t worry about your child growing up to be self-centered. If you set an example, she will learn to be giving and loving. Start a family tradition of community service. Reach out to those in need as a family and your child

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will always be concerned about others. Your daughter is old enough to help you hand out food to the homeless or collect blankets, clothes and toys for those in need. If she sees that you are caring people, she will be too. I also suggest that you give your daughter structured responsibilities at home.

There are chores that a five year old can do quite well and that help a child understand that everyone in a family has obligations. She can help you fold the laundry, tear lettuce for a salad, and put the dishes away as well as putting away her toys. Use your imagination to make these chores fun, and I think that you will be happy with the results.

NO MORE VIDEOS! I have some concerns about our 3 yr. old. He will not play by himself, and expects us to entertain him all the time. The only thing he’ll do by himself is watch a video. I don’t know if this is normal or not?

You have a typical three year old who thinks he is the center of the world. This can be an awkward stage for parents and child. Your child is just starting to flirt with autonomy, but at the same time he can be shy, have tantrums, experience separation anxiety, and sometimes even nightmares.

Your responsibility is to provide him with support, structure, education and the encouragement to reach out to gain confidence and independence. You can help by structuring small amounts of time for him to occupy himself alone; i.e. drawing, painting, or building with blocks. Many three year olds begin to enjoy some dramatic play. Have lots of books around for him to look at. Limit videos by setting a kitchen timer. If they aren’t available, he can’t watch them. Sometimes it’s just as hard for parents to give up the “video sitter” as it is for child. Also, your three-year- old should be in pre-school where he can interact with peers. Get a trusted baby sitter and give yourself a chance to recharge your batteries.

57 Dear OnlyChild

SOCIAL BUTTERFLIES

Hello, I am studying at the American University in Vienna, Austria. I am doing research on only children. Here is my hypothesis: “Single children have a harder time interacting, and socializing with other people than children who were brought up with siblings.” I was wondering if you can e-mail me some web site addresses or any other resources about any research that has done on this topic.

Unfortunately, once you start doing your research I think you will find that your hypothesis won’t hold up. For the most part, only children are actually quite social. When they are brought up in a household where parent(s) are cognizant of the need for early peer interaction, only children can even be more social than children with siblings. After all, when there are siblings, children have a built-in social group. Only children know that they have to seek out social relationships, which they do quite readily.

Moreover, must only children now attend preschool. That is where most children learn social skills. You might check on Toni Falbo’s research. She is at of The University of Texas.

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A PATH WELL CHOSEN Hi! I have been visiting your web site and it strikes me that many of your readers seem have a sad perspective on having one child.

I live in Sweden where, like the US, it is pretty much expected that families will have more than one child. But in my country I think there is much less pressure to conform. In Sweden, children are expected to go to daycare and preschool, and parents who choose to keep their children at home often find that they have few playmates.

My daughter is now nine years old and has been surrounded with children from the age of one and a half when she started daycare.

She also has a lot of friends in our neighborhood. In fact she has a special gift when it comes to making friends with people of all ages.

Maybe that’s because she’s our only child? Friends have never been a problem, and when children play with friends they learn “the social facts” about life. They learn how to co-exist in a group, how to solve conflicts, and how to show respect. But has my daughter ever wanted a little brother or sister? Of course she has. Children want a lot of different things and at certain ages babies are their special interest. If I ever have had guilt about not having another child (in my case my husband and I chose this path; we have no medical problems) it was during those “baby-years”. But I don’t really see the point in having another child just because of my daughter’s wish. Another child would be our responsibility not hers. Another child is no guarantee of a happy family. I know many families where brothers and sisters fight all the time and I am talking about serious conflicts that influence the whole family for years. My message to you is that in some ways it might be better to have one child and in other ways it might be better to have more than one. I very much enjoy my little family. It’s me, my husband, our daughter and a cat. We have good team spirit.

We show each other respect, discuss our problems, laugh a lot (our daughter has a special sense of humor, which might stem from the fact that she has spent so much time with grown ups and has learned our “humor-code”), and we take care of each other. Everyone in my family knows when we have money to spend or don’t, and we have to adjust our demands. My girl is not spoiled. She knows the value of things and money. But when it comes to love, we try to give so

59 Dear OnlyChild

much as possible every day. When I compare us with families who have more than one child, I can see a lot of things that are easier in my family. It’s easier for us to make a fast decision about making a short trip. We can go to the movies or the theater without worrying about the baby in the family. Three tickets are cheaper than four, five, six, or seven. We can spend more time with our child. When our daughter is grown up, won’t she miss a sister or a brother then?

Maybe. I have a sister and a brother, but frankly, they haven’t been so very supportive in my life. Having a sister is no guarantee of a better life. We are satisfied with our family. Our daughter is sometimes almost too good to be true. She’s a harmonious girl and she’s doing fine in school. How could we complain?

How lucky you are to be so happy with your family and enjoying your child so much. Your story will support and inspire everyone who reads it. There are many only child families out there just like yours.

BE SUPPORTIVE I have been a subscriber for several years and would like to know if you have a network of parent support groups. Your web site has a selection for support groups but provided no additional information when selected on the website. I am looking for a support group that would expand my only son’s social circle. I find that many neighbors and friends tend to rely on cousins and extended family for social activities. I would like to find a group that has the same circumstances as my family and can appreciate reciprocity in social situations.

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We are always encouraging our readers to form their own local networking/support groups. Here are a few ways that have been suggested to us by our readers. Ask your pediatrician or family doctor if you can post a flyer in their office. Your local paper or parenting publication may have a section where you can post a notice. You might also consider posting notices in the following places: • Place of worship, religious group or organization.

• Exercise/dance studio • Local library • Youth organizations • School / PTA Bulletin Boards • Community Center • Ask you child’s teachers or instructors if they know any other only child families. Please let us know if you have any additional suggestions or comments. Good luck, and let us know how your efforts turn out.

EXPRESS YOURSELF I am 19, a freshman in college, and an only child. My best friend in the world went away to college while I still live at home and commute. I wanted to go away to college, but my parents... Anyway, I don’t know how much longer I can live here alone, with them and just me. Lately, whenever I meet someone for the first time and the conversation gets rolling the question always arises “So, do you have any brothers or sisters?” When I tell them “No, it’s just me” and “I really wish I did,” they ask why. It seems they treat me differently after that because they automatically think I’m spoiled. I am tired of being alone, and I hold back the tears every time I think about it. I am depressed a lot because of it. So, if anyone could respond to me with some pointers, I’d be more than appreciative. Please.

61 Dear OnlyChild

It definitely seems like you’re having a hard time with your living situation and your feelings about being an only. My primary concern with your letter was your school/living situation because I feel that once you can get that straightened out, your awkward conversations with people regarding being an only child will dissipate. I should mention that I am also a twenty-year-old only child college student so I can definitely sympathize. Your problem with your parents is certainly not unique to being an only. Many kids with siblings also experience difficulties with parents who just don’t want to let go. Expressing your FEELINGS with your parents about wanting to live at school or even transfer to a school that is further away is the first thing that you must do. Having fights won’t accomplish anything. It’s amazing how even the most difficult parents respond to their children when they express their feelings instead of their opinions. No one can argue with feelings. If your sadness and unhappiness with your situation are affecting your performance in school and your interactions with others, you also need to discuss that with your parents.

In addition, I would highly recommend seeking the advice of a therapist at your university. Most university therapists are extremely well trained and the majority of the situations that they encounter with students, especially new students, revolve around their issues with their families.

A psychologist may help give you some good tools to handle this rough time. Lastly, you might want to explore a summer program or a semester program in another state or abroad involving activities that interest you.

This might warm your parents up to the idea of you spending time away from home. Most of these programs offer excellent financial aid packages.

Deep down, your parents are not trying to ruin your life or damage your happiness. I’m sure they are just afraid that if you leave, they will lose their connection with you. To them, you are all that they have. I want to reassure you that you are not alone. We receive hundreds of letters and e-mails from students and parents who are having a hard time letting go. Don’t give up! Take action. You will feel much better.

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OF TWO MINDS

Like others who have written I’m struggling with the decision to only have one child. I can’t seem to make a decision and stick to it. My son is almost five and now it seems that there would be too great an age difference between him and a sibling. My husband has left the decision up to me and will support whatever decision I make. He does not want to pressure me either way. I am an only child and always felt like I missed out on something.

Any comments on this would be appreciated.

Frankly, your husband should share in the decision making process.

He’s taking the easy way out! But instead of looking on the downside of this situation, look at the positive aspects. Being an only child gives you the advantage of personal insight. You have the ability to make up for what you may consider the short-comings of being an only child. It may help to remember that at least 20% of children in this country are now only children, so your child will have plenty of company if you decide to stay with one. You need to feel comfortable with your family size. After all, you (not your son) and your husband have to raise another child. The world has changed. We now understand that families come in all sizes, and every family is unique. What really counts is how you treat and support one another. More is not necessarily merrier.

63 Dear OnlyChild

The Final Tab WASHINGTON, June 14, 2012 -- Today, USDA released the annual report, A Child Born in 2011 Will Cost $234,900 to Raise According to the USDA Report Expenditures on Children by Families, finding that a middleincome family with a child born in 2011 can expect to spend about $234,900 ($295,560 if projected inflation costs are factored in*) for food, shelter, and other necessities to raise that child over the next 17 years. This represents a 3.5 percent increase from 2010. Expenses for transportation, child care, education, and food saw the largest percentage increases related to child rearing from 2010. There were smaller increases in housing, clothing, health care, and miscellaneous expenses on a child during the same period.

The report, issued annually since 1960, is a valuable resource to courts and state governments in determining child support guidelines and foster care payments. The report is based on data from the Federal government’s Consumer Expenditure Survey, the most comprehensive source of information available on household expenditures. For the year 2011, annual child-rearing expenses per child for a middle-income,

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two-parent family ranged from $12,290 to $14,320, depending on the age of the child.

The report, developed by the USDA Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion, notes that family income affects child rearing costs. A family earning less than $59,410 per year can expect to spend a total of $169,080 (in 2011 dollars) on a child from birth through high school.

Similarly, middle-income parents with an income between $59,410 and $102,870 can expect to spend $234,900**; and a family earning more than $102,870 can expect to spend $389,670.

For middle-income families, housing costs are the single largest expenditure on a child, averaging $70,560 or 30 percent of the total cost over 17 years. Child care and education (for those incurring these expenses) and food were the next two largest expenses, accounting for 18 and 16 percent of the total cost over 17 years. Health care expenses on a child doubled as a percentage of total child-rearing costs. These estimates do not include costs associated with pregnancy or the cost of a college education or education beyond high school.

According to the Chicago Tribune, Aug. 10, 2010, the average annual tuition, room and board and expenses now hover around $50,000 per year at many four-year private colleges, and $15,000 for public institutions. What you’ll pay now for one semester generally covered four full years of college back in the day. According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, the average student debt upon graduation in 2011 was $23,300, with 10% owing more than $54,000 and 3% owing more than $100,000.

65 Dear OnlyChild