V9#2

Vol. 9 No. 2

$ 6.95

Devoted to Only Children of All Ages

Digital Intelligence in the Classroom Helicopter Parenting in the 21st Century Carl Pickhardt Ph.D.

Why Adolescence Is Hard for the Only Child Only Child Profile:

Jessica Bendinger Dear Only Child Interview with Kristina Fleischer www.onlychild.com

Interview with Kristina Fleischer

CONTENTS

Kristina Fleischer is a creative, self-sufficient only child who has successfully dealt with challenges that most young people have not had to face.

Beware the Hovercraft!!!

Helicopter Parenting in the 21st Century.

Help! Save us from the hovering parents who can’t let go. If they’re not careful their children will be living at home until they are forty. Look in the mirror. Are you or are you about to become one?

Only Child Profile: Jessica Bendinger

Only child Jessica Bendinger has a successful career as a writer, Hollywood producer and director. She is the author of exciting books for young adults that speak their language and help them sort out complex feelings about growing up.

Why Beginning Adolescence is

Hard for the Only Child

Separation from parents in adolescence can be more difficult for only children. The only child family is a companionable unit, so moving away from that cozy life may take extra determination.

Digital Intelligence in the Classroom

What should kids and parents know about using the Internet for school? How will they learn what they need to know? What does it mean to have “digital intelligence?”

Dear Only Child

Only Child answers your e-mails and offers advice.

Editor-in-Chief Publisher/Creative Director Production/Circulation Copy Editor Editorial Photography Web Designer Editorial Contributorss

Carolyn Noren White Charles S. White Trent Taylor Maggie Becker Charles White Noriko Carroll - ConceptImages.com Carolyn Noren White Debra Eckerling Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D. Lisa Watson

Contributing Psychologist

Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D.

Only Child (ISSN# 1097-5217) is published semi-annually by Only Child Enterprises, Inc., 137 N. Larchmont Blvd., #556, Los Angeles, CA 90004.

Printed in the U.S.A. Copyright Š2011 by Only Child Enterprises, Inc., All Rights Reserved.

No material may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the publisher.

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Only Child Enterprises, Inc.

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hat a chaotic time! We have had economic meltdowns, foreclosures, longterm unemployment, tsunamis, melting icecaps and nuclear melt-downs. We are more than a bit bewildered and wary. We feel unhinged and want assurances. A bit of solid ground would be nice, so lots of us are hunkering down and trying to get in touch with things that are lastingly significant.

As we take a long look at our culture and lives, it becomes increasingly clear that our families are our best strength.

Perhaps those values got lost while we were so preoccupied with keeping up appearances. I don’t have any research on this, but I think that only-child families tend to be even closer than most because parents and child spend so much time together: an only child’s parents are everything to them and vice versa.

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ur cover story features Kristina Fleischer, a strong, talented only child whose relationship with her hearing impaired mother inspired patience and an acceptance of differences.

Because only-child families are so engaged with one another,

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it’s easy for parents to hover even when their kids are almost grown and going off to college. “Mom and dad, you want to do what? You want to go with me to college and help me register for my classes?” This is a dangerous condition that has longterm negative consequences. When does everyone (including parents) get to grow up, become independent, and figure things out on their own? It’s like being stalked by the paparazzi twenty-four hours a day. Celebrity status is cool… until it isn’t.

Lisa Watson’s story about Hovercraft parents illustrates how treacherous not letting go can be.

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ne of the biggest concerns parents have is how media is affecting their children’s learning. Traditional teaching with textbooks, libraries, and note taking seems almost obsolete in the age of “digital intelligence,” an actual term coined by researchers at the Library of Congress. Jana Wiener, Crossroads Middle School Science Coordinator examines digital intelligence in the classroom.

One of the great benefits of having an only child is the

strength of emotional and sociat attachment that develops between a child and parents. They have only each other as nuclear family without additional children to dilute or distract from their focus on each other. Charl Pickhardt Ph.D. explores why beginning adolescence can be more difficult for the only child.

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uthor and screenwriter Jessica Bendinger grew up in a divorced family where there was little stability, so she took refuge in her imagination. Jessica was in control of her creative world and could have as few or as many boundaries as she liked… in her mind. If mom and dad couldn’t agree on how to raise her, she would provide the context. Being an only child wasn’t easy in that chaotic environment, but it provided the space for reflection and personal growth.

Letters to “Only Child” provide insight into the lives of only

children and their parents almost everywhere in the world. Concerns run the gamut, from the best way to educate an only child to the age-old question of whether parents are damaging their child by not giving them siblings. Like a many-headed hydra, stereotyping only children just won’t stop. The minute a stereotype is recognized as useless another one crops up to take its place. Meanwhile the population of only children around the globe will keep growing, especially in economies where jobs are predicted to remain scarce and we and our children are going to have to be happy with less. But being an only child family isn’t less; it’s different, but every bit as joyful as being a family with multiple kids who have to be supported until they are at least… maybe forty!

Carolyn White, Editor-in-Chief Only Child

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Only Child Interview

Kristina Fleischer

By Carolyn Noren White Kristina Fleischer is a thirty-year-old only child who has successfully dealt with challenges that most people her age have not had to face. Her mother is hearing impaired and most recently won a bout with an aggressive breast cancer. She is now healthy, and her recovery is largely a result of Kristina’s devotion and care. A darkly beautiful girl, Kristina holds a high–level position as a web and game producer for a wellknown international corporation. Kristina’s personality is multi-faceted and she is a bit of everything. One moment she can be mysteriously shy and earnest, while the next she may be ebullient and dramatic. She can be both self-effacing and proud. The same young woman who can sit for hours in front of a computer doing detailed work is also riotously funny on stage when she plays guitar and bass with The Ramonas, a Ramones tribute band. Over the past few years Kristina has truly come into her own and learned what a strong woman she is.

OC: Where did you grow up?

KF: I grew up in Los Angeles in Hancock Park. I had a lot of friends in the neighborhood and it was a pretty close-knit community. My parents got divorced when I was in fifth grade. . OC: How did that affect you?

KF: I was pretty upset, but I wasn’t totally surprised because they argued a lot.

OC: Did they prepare you for ithe divorce in any way?

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KF: I don’t really remember, but I knew that it was going to happen, and I understood why it had to happen. I understood that they didn’t have a good relationship and that it would be better for them, but I was worried about my own happiness.

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OC: As an only child, did you wish that you had a sibling when things got difficult

KF: No, I don’t know if that necessarily occurred to me.

OC: Did you ever want a sister or brother?

KF: I did. I wanted an older sister or brother.

OC: Why older?

KF: Well, I always fantasized about a cool older sibling to look up to, but I had a few older friends in the neighborhood who

Well, I always fantasized about a cool older sibling to look up to, but I had a few older friends in the neighborhoodwhoserved that purpose for me. served that purpose for me.

OC: So, when that crisis happened in your life who did you turn to? How much were you able to talk about the divorce with your mom and dad?

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KF: I did talk to both of them about it, and I had a therapist, which was helpful. My parents both talked to me about it individually and reassured me that it had nothing to do with me. And I never for a moment thought that it had anything to do with me. It was apparent that they weren’t happy together, and it didn’t make me happy to see them unhappy together. It was a lot of stress.

OC: Did you spend time with your father after your parents separated?

KF: My dad and I were very close when my parents were together. But I never got comfortable being in a home away from my mom’s house. I never felt like his place was my home. I always wanted to be at my mom’s house.

OC: How did that change the relationship between you and your father?

KF: I think it changed it a lot. I would see him every Wednesday and every other weekend. But I always missed my home and didn’t like spending the whole weekend away. After a while I stopped going as frequently, and I know that made him sad.

OC: What was your relationship with him like as you grew up? Was he someone you could really talk to?

OC: What about now?

KF: Well, my father didn’t want me to go away to college. He had his own idea of what I should do.

OC: What was that?

KF: He thought that I should go to a community college for two years and then transfer to a University of California school. And he was right. It probably would have been the best thing for me.

OC: So, he knew you better than you knew yourself.

KF: Probably. And I was sort of a rebellious child. I didn’t like to be told

... I was sort of a rebellious child. I didn’t like to be told what to do by anybody.

My mom always described me as independent. what to do by anybody.

OC: Was that just the usual teenage stuff?

KF: From what my mom tells me I was always like that from the time I was a child.

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OC: So, it sounds as if you knew your own mind and the direction you were going to take.

KF: My mom always described me as independent.

OC: Independent yet very attached to home.

KF: Not necessarily attached to home, but after the divorce being attached to that one idea of home, which was my mom’s house.

OC: Who do you think you are most like in personality, your mom or dad?

KF: I might be more like my mother.

OC: Why?

KF: She has always been a very strong woman, and I have always admired her for that. And she is also very stubborn. She wants to do things the way she wants to do them, and I guess that’s how I am.

OC: You grew up an only child with a non-hearing person. How did that affect you? I would think it was a pretty big deal.

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KF: I agree, but I don’t think about it that much. I definitely learned to be much more understanding of people from all kinds of backgrounds and with disabilities. I also know that what one person might perceive as a disability, such as a hearing loss, is not n ecessarily one. It’s a disability but it enabled my mother to become fiercely independent.

OC: Why is that?

KF: Well, in a lot of ways it forced her to take a more difficult path and figure out that path on her own when she didn’t necessarily have much guidance. She went to college and is an accountant for the City of Los Angeles. There are some people who have that same disability but don’t work.

My mother always knew how she wanted to live her life. She wanted to be successful and have a career.

OC: Did being an only child and having a hearing-impaired parent make you feel isolated?

KF: It definitely was difficult at times. But now, more than ever, she and I have a very close relationship. Honestly, when I was growing up we didn’t get along that well.

OC: What were the points of friction?

KF: Well, I think that some of it was tied to her hearing impairment.

OC: How did you communicate? She doesn’t use sign language, does she?

KF: She reads lips, and she had hearing aids before she completely lost her hearing. I think we were able to communicate pretty well, but she has told me that she didn’t always hear everything that I said to her. But she wouldn’t tell me that because she devised a way to be in the world where she did not want to keep asking people to repeat themselves. She would piece together what she could, so there were definitely misunderstandings at times.

OC: Did you ever think, “Oh, if I had a sibling we could work on this together and make ourselves understood?

KF: It didn’t really occur to me that having a sibling to turn to would be something I wanted. I liked having my privacy, and I wouldn’t say that I felt lonely because I had a lot of friends. When I needed to talk about something I always had someone there. And I had my grandmother for a while, who I was really close to, especially during the divorce.

OC: One the myths about only children is that they have more difficulty making friends than other kids, are lonely etc. Do you fit into those catagories?

KF: No, not at all. I have a lot of friends and have a high opinion of myself.

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OC: Where do you think that comes from?

KF: I was different when I was growing up. I was always kind of unique and in my elementary school I didn’t fit in with any one group of kids, but I felt like I was cool. It wasn’t like I was an outcast.

I was friends with some of the geeks as well as some of the popular girls.

I was the only one in my class who was like that. I have a lot of great friends who are very supportive.

OC: You have a lively sense of humor and lots of spunk. How many of your friends were only children?

KF: Out of my best friends probably half of them…three out of six.

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Yes... they are all only children!

OC: What do you think you have in common with these people…or not?

KF: For the most part we are all extremely independent, very ambitious, and stubborn. We like to go our own way and are creative problem solvers.Maybethat’sbecausewhenproblemsarisetheremightnotbesomeone we can immediately turn to. When I was a child I wouldn’t immediately find someone to help, I would try to solve things by myself first.

OC: Would you call yourself spoiled?

KF: One of the stereotypes of an only child is that they are spoiled brats who get what they want all the time. I did get my own way a lot and got what I wanted, but in a good way. My parents were open to letting me explore anything that I wanted to, which also helped make me rather unique. If I wanted to play with a GI Joe that was fine. I played with guns and Barbies, paints…there wasn’t anything that was a boy toy that I couldn’t have if I wanted it. I did sometimes feel different. But today the different person that I was as a kid makes me popular and successful. It enables me to have a large group of friends.

OC: Your determination is admirable. When you wanted to work on web sites you took temp jobs and hung in even when things were difficult. Now you have a permanent job that many people might envy, especially in these tough times. Where does your strength come from?

KF: I think it comes from my not being willing to settle for something that’s not right for me. Only children know themselves.

OC: That’s one of the most positive things about being an only child.

KF: I think they go after what they want. Of course, there have been times when I was unsure of what I wanted, but once I figured it out I was determined to find the path to get to my goal. I might not have known that path, but I don’t settle for something that I don’t want. I’ll keep going until I find it.

OC: What do you like best about yourself?

KF: Where can I start… just joking.

OC: This is no time to be modest.

KF: I think I have the ability to say what’s on my mind. I’ve gotten to the point where I am really comfortable with who I am and my ideas. I think that I do have a unique perspective on a lot of things, and what I’ve really grown to like about myself is having the courage to be who I am. It

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has taken me a while to get to that place because like anyone I can be insecure. I have found that when I share my ideas I get very positive results.

OC: If you could change anything about yourself what would you change?

KF: Well there are a few things for sure. Sometimes I can be too wrapped up in my own stuff. I’m working on that.

OC: This has been a crucial couple of years for you because your mom has been ill with cancer. Do you like the way you have handled it?

KF: I’m rather impressed with myself to be honest. I’ve been very strong, but a lot of my strength comes directly from my mother. From the beginning, she set the tone for the whole ordeal. When she found out that she had breast cancer I was crushed and very scared, but she said, “This is something that has come up and we will take care of it. It’s a step along this path of life and we will deal with it.” That’s how it started out and that’s how we both have dealt with it.

OC: Has your dad been there for you?

KF: A little bit. My aunt and uncle and cousins have definitely been there for me.

OC: Have you ever thought at this time in your life that you would like to have siblings to help out?

KF: At first I wondered about it because logistically it’s easier to have more than one person to drive to the doctors’appointments, but it’s been okay.

OC: What have you learned about yourself in the process?

KF: I have learned that I am more grown up than I thought I was because I still act like a kid in some ways. But I was forced to step up to the plate and I was able to do that, and I didn’t crumble under the pressure. Some people just can’t deal, and I have witnessed that with some of my relatives.

It’s been a way to pay back my mom for taking care of me and putting up with me. For me it’s been a privilege to care for her when she needed me most. And it wasn’t a chore for me. It wasn’t at all easy to deal with, but I felt really good that I could be the person to live her what she needed.

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OC: That is something that will influence the rest of your life. You probably know now that there is no crisis that you can’t handle. That strength comes from love and what your mother gave you, but it might also go back to being an only child and having to solve problems on your own. When you are an only child your friends become your family and you don’t have siblings to rely on. You have to honor that and develop it.

KF: I did sort of pick my older sibling. I had an older girlfriend and an older male friend who lived in my neighborhood, but you can’t choose your siblings.

OC: I think that only children find people to fill that role for them. Where did you meet your closest friends?

KF: My best friends are people who have been my best friends since elementary school.

OC: Where did your interest in music come from?

KF: My real interest in music developed from the girl who entered my life when I was eight and she was fourteen. We connected right away as friends even though she was much older. I thought, “Here is my older sister…I’m going to hang out with her and bug her…as if she were my older sister.” It worked out since she always wanted a little sister because she has two older sisters.

OC: What was your relationship like?

KF: I wanted someone to show me cool stuff, and she wanted a little sister to whom she could show cool stuff. Her records fascinated me. I would go through all of them and she would make mix tapes of songs. I would listen to them and write down all of the lyrics. She started taking me to some concerts when I was ten. So I felt pretty special. I started playing the guitar when I was twelve.

OC: Was it your dream to become a musician?

KF: Not really. I didn’t dream of becoming a rock star because I was kind of shy, to be honest. I’m not as shy as I used to be. I played the guitar on and off and picked up the bass, and I played in a band in high school and a little bit in college. Now I am in the all girls' tribute band “The Ramonas.”

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OC: Do you sing also?

KF: No. I do a little bit of background shouting. It’s punk.

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OC: What do you want out of life now that you’re thirty?

KF: No comment. Did I just turn thirty? Can I wait five years and then move to thirty? People say I can pass for 25. For the next five years I have to learn a lot more on my job and advance my career.

OC: Do you want to be married and have children one day?

KF: Yes, in the next five years I would like to meet someone who would potentially be that person. I think I’m at the right point in my life for that. I don’t think that I was before.

OC: I think it takes at least until you are thirty to know who you are.

KF: In the last year I have become really comfortable with myself.

OC: If you were to have kids, would you want an only child?

KF: Yes, totally. Completely. I would have no problem having an only child and I have often considered it. I don’t know if I would want to have more than one. I don’t see any possible down side to having one child.

OC: Well, people often bring up just the experience you have had with a parent in ill health.

KF: But if you have siblings you have conflicts that could be harder. The benefit of being an only child in this situation is that you choose your support system. Hopefully, you do have a partner or friends or other family and you can surround yourself with people who will be most helpful in that situation, which is what I have done. Doing it completely on your own would be very difficult. But I am an only child who has lots of friends and supportive family. So, I don’t feel alone.

OC: Tell me about your job.

KF: Currently I am an associate producer for an international network’s website. I help produce all of the web content sites and games that support the TV shows on the network.

OC: What attracted you to that kind of work?

KF: I’ve always been a computer nerd and an Internet geek. I’ve also been a gamer, but I never considered it a career path. I thought I wanted to be a music industry executive, and while I was temping I was sort of

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looking for that dream job in the music industry. But then I landed in this department as an assistant and saw what goes on in a web content evolvement team. Before I had this notion that you had to be a hardcore computer programmer to do web content or develop games, but that isn’t the case.

OC: You have people to do that for you?

KF: As a web producer I come with my passion for technology and the content.

OC: Where do you want to go with your career?

KF: In the future I see myself in more of a leadership position.

OC: How many people do you work with on a daily basis?

KF: My job entails working with ten different departments on a daily basis. We also work with outside vendors to develop our sites and games.

OC: Do you think that being an only child has helped you be a team player, or made it more difficult?

KF: As independent as I am I’ve always been a team player. I have always seen the importance of a team and working together with other people to achieve a goal. I never felt that I should do things on my own.

And I love the people I work with, so it’s easy for me.

OC: Some only children feel that only they can do things right. Are you like that?

KF: I have some of that but not a lot. I am very trusting of other people to help solve a problem, and I see that other people have abilities in areas that I don’t. I understand the value in utilizing those.

OC: It makes you a good leader if you’re not afraid to surround yourself with people who are more developed in areas that you’re not. A good manager can bring out the best in those around them, and it’s a real talent.

KF: If someone proves himself to me I will trust him to get the work done. But there are times when I could assign things to someone, but I would rather do them because I know that they will get done right.

OC: If you had the opportunity to be anyone other than who you are, who would you be?

KF: I don’t think there is any one person who has it all.

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DIGITAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE CLASSROOM Jana Wiener, Middle School Science Coordinator Crossroads School, Santa Monica, CA

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After several decades of teaching, one would think that I would be a relatively savvy and seasoned professional, who only needed to make modifications to my methods to keep up with the times. Yet, in the past eight or ten years, there has been a substantial shift in the learning experience of our students because of their reliance on the Internet rather than printed text and class instructions.

Traditional teaching with textbooks, libraries, and note taking seems almost obsolete in the age of “digital intelligence,” an actual term coined by researchers of the Library of Congress. As a result, I have had to re-examine my approach to teaching and assessing my students’ work. “Digital intelligence” is one of many modes by which students internalize and retain information. Today, when students work on an assignment, they often surf the Internet to gather the necessary information, and then present it in the final work. But to what extent is learning really happening through this process? Are the ideas presented in the students’ papers original, paraphrased, or cited verbatim?

As educators, we do our best to check carefully whether

the information a student presents is accurate, from a reliable source, and either synthesized or paraphrased. Our students are now entering schools with digital literacy that extends beyond mere text, a trend that may create a gap between the process of Internet research and classroom teaching.

And while we teachers use technology to convey instructions, we do not always adjust evaluation and assessment of what was taught through this technology.

We teach our children the difference between original ideas and plagiarism, offer appropriate Internet sources and browse through web sites ourselves to find interesting and stimulating materials for the classroom.

We also encourage the students to read books and articles in magazines, believing that this will enhance their vocabulary and comprehension.

But are we really cer-

tain that we are maximizing the combined effect of the digital and traditional resources as well or better than just the traditional resources alone. And how do we assure that this trend, which is here to stay, will be at par with traditional learning? From my experience, we do not yet have the answers to these questions.

However, it is imperative that we analyze these issues carefully and adjust our teaching methods to get the best teaching results.

We can look to science

student. So, we 20th century teachers need to incorporate it, and math for clear examples keeping in mind that the goal of of how to work with this new education is to promote curiosity. medium of information. In both Before using virtual labs or demscience and math, exploration onstrations in science, we should through hands on activities is introduce a new concept through the key to learning. While my real activities to promote curiosstudents tend to enjoy such activities, they often comment that ity and critical thinking. Using labs are tedious. On the contrary, calculators to solve problems is beneficial only when a student they often note that they prefer the instantaneous gratification of can set up a problem, correctly plug in the data, and if necessary, virtual labs. There are companies, such as Smart Science Core recognize an error. When assignLearning System, that produce an ing a research project, we first entire online science curriculum. must teach the difference between These labs leave very little room mere accumulation of facts and for error, always produce results, actual development of a key idea. are accurate, and often present While the ultimate goal neatly organized, blank tables to of education to produce indepenenter data. Usually, a calculator dent and analytical thinkers has and a graph program accompany not changed, the means to achieve the lab. this end have morphed from print Hands on labs are not so to digital information. easy. When I first started using Since the dawn of the virtual labs, I often instructed humans, technology has enmy students to produce their abled growth, prosperity, and own tables and graphs by hand, sophistication of mankind and it hoping that this would become was always the older generation an intrinsic skill to build upon (that’s us) that needed to adjust to during their higher education. the changes that the younger one However, with the increased use introduced. The beginning of the of technology it has become evi- 21st century is still in the chrysadent (at least to me) that I do not lis stage…the butterfly is yet to need to steer my students away come. from “digital intelligence” as a learning tool in order to preserve the quality of their education.

“Digital intelligence” is not quite the enemy; it is the means of education for the 21st century

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© Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. 2010 www.carlpickhardt.com Author of: “The Future of Your Only Child.”

One of the great benefits of having an only child is the strength of emotional and social attachment that develops between a child and parents. They have only each other as nuclear family without additional children to dilute or distract from their focus on each other. This attachment is not simply mediated by love, but by paying exclusive attention to each other, by an intimate knowing of each other, by a rewarding companionship with each other, and by coming to rely on each other in supportive and caring ways.

Unfortunately, like most advantages in life, this attachment is double edged. On the positive side it creates a strong base of nurturing and a strong bond of security. On the negative side, however, it can make separation very difficult, particularly the separation from childhood that must occur for adolescence to get under way. Adolescence is the ten to twelve year period of growth that starts around late elementary or early middle school and ends in young adulthood around the early to mid twenties, when the son or daughter has become a psychologically, socially, and economically independent person.

Parents can generally identify when early adolescence begins by three telltale signs in the young person’s behavior that they didn’t have to deal with during childhood, at least in this intensity.

•There is a more negative attitude of dissatisfaction, complaint, and criticism.

•There is more active resistance in the form of argument and more passive resistance in the form of endless delay.

•And there is testing the limits of rules and requirements to see what can be gotten away with.

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Early adolescence usually begins around ages 9 to 13, when the young person becomes dissatisfied with being defined and treated as a “child” any more. He or she pulls away from parents for the companionship of peers. He or she adopts contrasting beliefs and behaviors to parents. And he or she pushes against their authority. In this process, more estrangement and abrasion is created in the relationship with parents. Now the three development engines that drive adolescent independence have started to do their redefining work.

There is the engine of disconnection that creates more distance from parents. The goal of disconnection is to create room to develop one’s own social “family” of friends and confidantes apart from home.

There is the engine of differentiation that creates more incompatibility with parents. The goal of differentiation is to discover and develop one’s own individual identity.

There is the engine of opposition that creates more conflict with parents. The goal of opposition is to take more charge of one’s own life.

For the only child, the entry into adolescence takes a lot of courage. Because attachment to parents and to childhood are so strong, the separation from childhood feels very costly. Growing up necessitates giving up, and this sense of loss can be profound for only child and parents once adolescence begins. Gone in some measure is the old closeness, compatibility, harmony that often made childhood such a golden time for everyone. Parents will never have their son or daughter as little child again, and only child will never have them as the ideal companions they once were.

For the only child, the separation of adolescence can be scary. Will he or she pull so far away that the attachment to parents will be broken? Will he or she become so different that acceptance from parents will be denied? Will he or she push so hard against their authority that their affection will be alienated?

Now the challenge for parents is to stay connected to their son or daughter while adolescence is growing them apart. They must not take adolescence personally as if it is something their teenager is deliberately doing to offend or injure them. Adolescence is a hard process of growth the young person is daring to do for him or herself.

With this understanding, parents must then give the following assurance. “No matter how far you pull away from us, no matter how different you become, no matter how hard you push against us, you need to know this. We will hold you in our loving hearts forever, and we will be there for you as we always have and we always will.”

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COMING OF AGE

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Jessica Bendinger Only Child Profile:

By Debra Eckerling

Hollywood powerhouse screenwriter/director/producer— and only child—Jessica Bendinger (Stick It, Bring It On) recently added another title to her credits: author. Her young adult novel The Seven Rays—a paranormal comingof-age story that delves into love, friendship, family, and the supernatural—was released by Simon & Schuster in November, 2009.

Jessica has what she calls a “coming of consciousness” theme in most of her work.

“I don’t think that I write movies for young people,” she says, “I know that’s who ends up seeing them and loving them—I’m just writing for people. Even if you’re 14, you’re a person at a certain place on your journey. I am writing for human beings, not a demographic. … I just want to write something really entertaining for whomever picks it up.”

A former journalist for SPIN and MTV News, Jessica’s other screenwriting credits include Sex and the City (season 4), The Truth About Charlie, First Daughter, and Aquamarine.

The qualities—such as creativity, independence, and tenaciousness, along with the art of negotiation—that Jessica developed because she grew up as an only child of divorced parents contributed to her “ten-year overnight-success” story.

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“My parents split before I was three-years-old,” Jessica explains. “My mom moved to New York, and my dad lived in Chicago, [and the rest of my family was] all over. … I had very young, busy parents—they had me when they were in college—and there were a lot of babysitters and a lot of moving around. So, I started daydreaming to fill in the gaps.”

What character traits did you develop as an only child of divorced parents?

I became super independent at a young age. … There was a pseudo-maturity I had to develop—that a lot of kids have to develop—when there aren't unlimited resources around. You learn how to fend for yourself or get what you need at a younger age than most people. .

I think that when you are the only child of divorced parents who can’t co-parent, your imagination becomes a safe place in the chaos of the back and forth. So many little kids go to their imagination, and I was definitely one of them. I just loved making up stories and filling in the spaces in my life with my imagination when I was a kid.

At what point did you start writing?

Writing came pretty easily to me from a very young age. I was very fortunate to have family members in the arts and who were writers. I had a lot of confirmation that my writing ability was above average from various sources.

I was good at writing in school, and I loved reading. I remember that I started making up little stories in grade school. I recall making a fake diary for some school project, and I loved the creativity of it. … I also realized that you could get a better grade if you could manipulate language… if you sounded smart... especially if you didn't know the answer!

It was also a cardinal sin to be boring in my family, so being entertaining was encouraged. Telling a good yarn, talking your way out of trouble— these all were early influences in my writing career.

What were some of your favorite creative activities growing up?

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I used to draw and doodle and make things. … I loved recipes, cooking, and baking—anything where you had a finished product at the end of the process. I loved the idea that you could follow someone's instructions

and wind up with something useful or delicious … I enjoyed dancing, too. We were big on playing records and just cutting the rug. I think it's important to dance it out whenever possible.

How did being an only child affect your creativity?

I was exposed to a lot of more adult forms of entertainment because I ended up tagging along with the grown-ups all the time. I was exposed to lots of cool stuff because I had relatively young parents.

The "Children should be seen and not heard" policy was much more common when I was a kid, so I ended up observing or going into my daydreams and reading a lot. I think there's an internalizing of your processing that happens when there aren't other kids around. I definitely had my own inner world, and it was probably how I kept myself company when the adults were boring the bejeezus out of me or ignoring me.

How did the skills/traits you developed as an only child help you become a successful screenwriter/author/producer/director?

Sometimes you have to argue your case when your parents aren't in the same household. You learn the art of persuasion, argument, defense, litigation (ha!)—because if your parents aren't really co-parenting and speaking, you become the messenger. It was crazy-making at times, but it humanized adults for me at a young age. I didn't have any illusions about my parents because I saw their flaws, fragility and vulnerabilities constantly. I definitely felt like the parent much of the time, and I think there's a confidence that comes from that navigation that makes you comfortable anywhere. When your childhood is chaotic, it can actually serve you in Hollywood because production and development processes are controlled forms of chaos. I had to be very stoic in the face of disorder, and I can summon that strength when I need it.

What were your parents like?

There were two different parenting styles in my life (rigid and loose) and two wildly different lifestyles (affluent and low-income), so I became agile at bridging different worlds. … It built a sensitivity and a resilience that are crucial. Ultimately that can be gold for a writer, director, or producer. You have to put your feelings on the page or convey them to the cast and crew, and also be a bit protective and have some distance when people are criticizing or giving you feedback on what

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you've done. I learned about conflicting points of view from a young age, and kind of saw how random and subjective opinions could be.

It helped me cultivate a bit of detachment, although I didn't know it at the time. When you are filtering through so many different opinions, it helps you to rely on your own compass.

How did other challenges you faced growing up as an only child help you develop into the person you are today?

I definitely had an insane last year of high school. I was anxious. I was in the middle of a lot of turmoil in my home life with my parents. … I was a sleepwalker, I had nightmares, and I was terrified about my future. So, my public life in school, and my private life at home could not have been more different. I was an honor student by day, and a completely nutty “teenster” at home. I think living a double life is kind of the natural state most teenagers are in because they can’t figure out what’s going on or don't fully know who they are yet, and they’re scared. Nobody’s really taught them to be whole yet.

I think that led me to writing about and caring about the population to whom my work is targeted. It forced me to care. I wish someone had told me that it's really okay to be yourself. I hope this younger generation is better about it (laughs). My life was pretty fractured and I live with that pain. But it’s productive pain.

I love the teenage demographic because it allows me to constantly go through and try to heal what was broken in me and make it right for myself. I have so much compassion and empathy for teens, and it’s my way of having compassion and empathy for myself. What I didn’t have then, I have now. I think I am always working on healing, and writing is a positive outlet for that.

What do you know now that you wish you knew when you first started writing?

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So much. I was so invested in what other people thought because I definitely have the disease to please, which often works to my own creative and personal detriment.

As screenwriters, you have to please studios and you have to please the financiers. …But my book “The Seven Rays” is a real coming out, an opportunity for me to please myself—for better or worse—and find artistic compassion for myself. These are ideas I am into. It’s personal, but hopefully it also has a universal appeal.

Know thyself. It’s the only way you can be of service to who you are.

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Beware the Hovercraft!!!!

Helicopter Parenting in the 21st Century

by Carolyn White

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ook up and you’ll see them, as ubiquitous as crows or pigeons and even more annoying. They have been with us for years and won’t seem to go away, and there isn’t anywhere to hide from them.

Remember Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds?

Well in the 21st Century they come in the form of helicopter parents who have morphed into hovercraft that seem to be a permanent part of the landscape. Instead of sitting on the telephone wires, they are sitting in their SUV’s or on the soccer field.

They suck up their children’s oxygen and prey on their independence. They can’t let go and can’t move on. Parents of only children have long been accused of hovering and smothering, but they have lots of company… with parents of siblings. Of course, with only one child to think about there is more time to “helicopter.”

But really, what’s so bad about

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being there for your kids, especially in a world that appears so fraught with danger and stress? From Internet predators to SAT scores, we agree that kids require protection and support, but overprotection is addictive for many parents. Once they 28

start they can’t seem to stop. And usually, they don’t even know they are doing it.

While we all agree that it’s essential for parents to give advice, help and know what their kids are up to, we should not agree to be enablers who prevent their kids from maturing. Sixty years ago, a twenty-year-old boy was considered a man who might be expected to support his own parents as well as a wife and kids.

My, how times have changed! Today, adolescence has been extended well into the twenties and most young men are still little boys attached to their X-Boxes and mommy and daddy’s bank accounts. At that age, if parents are always available to problem solve, write checks, and help work out social or educational conflicts, why should kids provide their own safety nests or learn to soothe themselves?

Colleges and universities have reported that many parents are so obsessed with their kids that they show up for registration along with them. After all, how can you expect an eighteen-year-old to know which courses he needs or wants to take unless mom is there to advise …or coerce him into registering for courses he never was attracted to in the first place? Parents of kids from Kindergarten to graduate school have hired tutors, shadows to help their little ones learn to socialize, paid fortunes to therapists because their only child seems lonely, made special trips to bring forgotten homework, lunch boxes, and pieces of clothing to school. Why would parents expect their child to figure 29

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out how to get something to eat (maybe a friend would share), how to figure out a math problem, or learn to make up with a friend? In a 2009 article on the backlash against over involved parents, Time Magazine reported that Karen Faucher, a principal at Belinder Elementary School in Prairie Village, Kansas, got so fed up with parents waiting on their kids that she instituted a “no rescue” policy. Like a “no fly zone” parents were not allowed to enter school space to rescue their child from possible malnutrition or social disgrace.

When I went to school (in medievaI times). I was

expected to save myself from the hangman’s noose, and if the dog ate my homework then I was responsible for the tortuous explanation to my teacher. My mother wasn’t about to call school and make excuses for me. Having to hold my own kept me honest. Our kids don’t have to do much on their own. We parents have been holding their hands and protecting them for so long that paralysis has set in. I admit that in the past I had moments when I was ready to fly my own hovercraft. When my daughter was filling out her college applications I did sit in her room and talk through those essays with her. And, boy, how I longed to tell her what to write. But I was able to restrain myself, and when she had a falling out with friends I didn’t call a therapist. I expected that she would work through those issues herself (with my guidance if necessary) when things got really rocky, which they did from time to time. Yet, she survived and blossomed into a secure person because she learned to trust her own instincts and because she knew she could handle much of her personal life on her own.

One mother I know bought a condo for her son when

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he went to college and decorated it to designer perfection so he would have a chic pied a terre in which to entertain his friends.

Well, some of us have decided not to take it anymore and are

looking for ways to disable the helicopters so children can fly on their own. But, you say, “If I can afford it, financially or with my time, why not?” Why not, because it’s unhealthy and doesn’t help your child build character, and it’s character that will be there for him when times are hard and you aren’t there to save him.

Character can’t be built overnight. In other words, you can’t wake up one day, realize that your thirteen-year-old has no idea of how to care for herself, wash a dish, make a bed or make good choices in her friends unless she has had training and practice. Yes, it still takes practice to get to Carnegie Hall. In fact, a recent large-scale study showed that kids who are rewarded for their determination rather than their talent do better in school as well as playing the piano. Start small when your kids are small.

There is no reason why a three-year-old can’t put his toys away in a box and a four-year-old is perfectly capable of dressing himself even though he may end up looking like a refugee from Ken Kesey’s Magic Bus. Who cares? He did it himself and in the process if he asks for help you can give it. But he owns the outfit for better or worse. Why can’t a five year old help make his own lunch? He can slap on the peanut butter with the best of them, under your supervision. Then he can choose a piece of fruit rather than a cookie to put in the mix.

If a child is not asked back to a school because he has

tried to intimidate a teacher, why should his family petition to have him reinstated? What is wrong with believing the teacher and making the child responsible for his behavior? We all make mistakes and some of them certainly will make our lives tougher. But how else are we supposed to learn?

There is a time to be a mamma bear defending a cub and

a time to back up and head for the cave. When you start finding all kinds of excuses for your child, it’s time to choose a differ-

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ent course. Remember the guidelines you gave your little one about looking both ways before crossing a street? Follow that same rule when deciding whether or not to intervene in your child’s life. Look both ways to see what’s coming and assess.

Don’t assume that because your child is upset that it’s your job to fix it. And don’t ever assume that your child is so good at home that he is always that same way at school. Young children are clever at getting their way, teenagers even more manipulative, and young adult children will stay tied to your apron springs financially as long as you let them. If your child knows that you will always defend him or be ready to purchase living room furniture, where does it end?

I can look up and see those hovercraft right now and

the pilots are saying, “But she’s my only child. How can I not give her what I think she needs?” My advice is to look both ways and think logically not emotionally. What your child needs is space and time to figure things out in her unique fashion as long as it isn’t potentially dangerous. At many points in your child’s life, your job is to be there to listen and advise and watch which path your child chooses. It may not be the path that you would choose, but it’s hers to walk and explore. Try to leave the helicopter on its pad unless and until it’s needed for an important rescue mission.

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constant pressure

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I just found your wonderful site and would like to know how to post a question on your blog. I am really relieved to see all the questions and answers and I just wanted to post our situation.

We have adopted a wonderful girl from China and are not adopting any more children. Our daughter is six and we are 47 and 49 and are so lucky that we were able to adopt. But my daughter has always wanted a sister or brother since the children in our neighborhood, and in her class have siblings.

Anyway, we have talked about how we are three and that is our family and how all families are different: some are adopted, some kids don't have moms,some don't have dads, and some have grandparents who raise them etc. At the beginning we got constant pressure from people about having "just one" and decided that we would say that we were open to another child but didn't have plans for that. Our daughter may have heard us say that when she was little. We had no money and we were starting our business at about the same time as we adopted, so it was a real feat that we accomplished both! Having lived in NYC for many years, only children were not unusual. Sometimes our daughter is the odd man out with kids who have siblings, but I make connections with other only-child families. Our daughter has met other adopted children from China as we have a network here and many of them have a second adopted child or siblings in the family already. So my daughter has asked (less often as time goes by), "Why don't we just go to China and get another child? I really really want one..pleeasssse?" She is a persistent gal and figures if she digs her heels in hard enough she will get what she wants (and that is about a lot of things- not just siblings). We have talked about how friends can become sisters and how I had an adopted grandmother that lived close to me that I knew better than my mom's mother...so I have really been open and honest, but she still wants a sister. It seems a natural thing since she is under pressure just as we have been by adults. A woman at church said her only son finally stopped asking when he got his own dog. So I asked my daughter if she wanted a kitty when she got a little older (we already have four animals who are older), and she likes that idea. I am grateful to read all the posts and it has been a comfort and eye opener to me. I suppose I was just looking to see stories of coping in this situation. Fortunately, our daughter is a happy child with a great school and friends and I intend to get her a "Big Sister" from the China group/ program

here that is mostly comprised of college kids. I know that our daughter has abandonment issues as an adopted child, so that may be part of what is going on.

Your daughter is so lucky to have you because she is able to wind

you around her finger so easily. Really, what could be more heart wrenching than a little six-year-old who looks up at you with adoring eyes and asks for a sister? I think it's time for you to take a stand and tell your daughter that a sibling isn't going to happen. She is picking up on your guilt and exploiting it for all it's worth. Your daughter senses your ambivalence, which is why she can't let the issue go. Once she knows that you and your husband have made up your minds, she will feel more secure and happy with her situation. It sounds as if you are doing all of the right things in terms of your child's social engagement. Only children don't have to be occupied all of the time, nor are you obligated to make her life seamlessly perfect. There are some things that she has to figure out for herself now or she won't be able to make good choices in the future when you may not be around. You sound like a devoted parent, but don't be a slave.

I HATE BEING AN ONLY CHILD

I am an only child and I am fourteen. I HATE BEING AN ONLY CHILD! All I’ve wanted my entire life was a brother or sister. I feel bad saying this because my parents give me everything. I’ve pretty much been spoiled my entire life, but my parents never let it affect me as a person. I’m well liked and active in the community and play varsity in all sports even though I’m a freshman. I also take all junior classes.

Many people think my life is perfect but honestly I would trade it all for a sibling.

It’s all I’ve ever wanted. My family has had a rough last few years and we’ve had to keep everything that has been going on very secretive. I’ve had to go through it all alone. I’ve had no siblings to go through it with and I’ve just felt awful. I even tried to get my parents to look into adoption but due to what has occurred, adoption will no longer ever be a possibility. All my life when I’ve brought the topic up to my parents they’ve always said that I’m lucky I don’t have any siblings and that wanting them is just a phase and that it will pass. Well it hasn’t and it’s never going to. My mother is now too old to have another child. I know that there is now no possible way for me to have a sibling, but I just wanted some advice on how to deal with it. I mean every time I hear my friends say anything about how they hate their siblings or wish THEY were an only child I just want to punch them. They will always have somebody to be there for them. They will have somebody to spend

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the holidays with and grow old with and reminisce about their childhood memories and I won’t. I can’t help but be jealous of them. I’ve been at the point now where for the past few months I’ve been having the same dream every night that my mom is pregnant and it is the best day of my life! And then I wake up to realize that it will never happen. What can I do to stop wanting something that I know will never happen?

It sounds like there has been a lot of trauma in your family. I don’t

know why you have been involved in a conspiracy of secrets, but there is nothing like forced silence to make you feel even more alone.

I have to tell you that only children who have good communication with parents and friends may think about having a sibling once in a while but it doesn't become an obsession. I think it may be time for you to ask your parents for help from a professional so you can work through your longing and enjoy being you. I can assure you through my own personal experience that having a sibling doesn't guarantee lifelong friendship or support. In fact, more often than not when you become an adult, siblings grow apart and often find that they have very little in common. Friends, on the other hand, are people you choose to be with, which can certainly be much more nurturing.

tired of doing everything alone

I'm a single mother raising a five-year-old son alone. I am not divorced, but my husband and I live in separate towns because that's where our jobs are. I'm happy with the money we are making and our savings but not with the lifestyle. This is a very small town and there isn't much exposure for my son. Also, I have finally reached a point where I'm tired of doing everything alone. My husband visits us once a month and isn't much help. Having another child at this point is an absolute no. I'm worried about taking out some of my anger and frustration on my son sometimes. I think that I can be too strict with him and at times he seems scared of me. I love him a lot and dont want him to depend on me emotionally. I may also be overprotective, as I don't allow him to play outside without supervision. This cuts out his socializing quite a bit because I can't arrange for playmates every single day. I keep him busy with toys, story books and a lot of other things, but will I substitute for a playmate of his age?

Y

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ou are in a frustrating situation. Given the state of our economy and the costs of raising a child today, I understand your reluctance to have another. It isn't easy to do a good job raising even one child on your own. But unless you plan to adopt another five-year-old

your son would never have a playmate his own age in any case. Your anger is a concern, especially if you take it out on your son. Discipline should result in respect but never fear of physical or mental abuse. I think that you could benefit from some parenting classes.

Look on line for classes offered through your place of worship, elementaryschoolsorcommunitycolleges.Theyofferstrategiestodeal with situations raised by an active five-year-old boy. At his age, your son probably wants to be more independent and tries to push the limits. You need to adapt to his needs and he needs to adapt to yours. I assume your son is in kindergarten or a D-K program. so he must have friends he has made at school. Given the fact that he is in school, he doesn't need more than one play date a week for his social needs. You are projecting your guilt on to him. Why do we feel that kids always need to be busy? In fact, they need down time more than being constantly occupied so that they can learn to use their imaginations.

imaginary friends?

I was wondering if you have had any questions about imaginary friends? We have an only child, and we both come from families with siblings so we aren't used to this. I just see things in our child that sometimes concern me. I need to know if it is normal or if I should be concerned. Our daughter is nine-years-old and doesn't have a lot of friends, but I didn't when I was growing up either. When my daughter was about three we noticed imaginary friends popping up. And when I say friends I mean friends all at the same time not one leaving and another coming.

That being said, everyone told me she would grow out of it, but she hasn't and it seems to be interrupting her life. Often she would rather "talk" to her imaginary friends than do her school work. Any advice you have would be appreciated.

Let me begin by letting you know that even children with siblings have imaginary friends. A 2001 study of 1800 school-age children found that 46.2% of children had experiences with imaginary friends. Sometimes these friends come in multiples, sometimes they have dinner with you or may accompany your child to the store or the first day of school. Having imaginary friends seems to coincide with the growth of creativity and social skills. Dr. Georgette Canstantinou, administrative director at Akron Children's Hospital , explains that imaginary friends allow children to work out their fears and insecurities. Also, children can give orders to an

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imaginary friend while they have to take orders from grown ups. It gives them power. An only child may tend to blame an imaginary friend for breaking the lamp in the living room because there is no sibling to take the fall. You should only be concerned if your child refuses to play with others and only wants to spend time with her imaginary friends. Help your child become closer to her flesh and blood friends by bringing them with you on family outings or having them to dinner. Also, be sure to be an active listener with your daughter. Hear her out when she comes to you with a problem that seems to you a minor thing. Talk to your daughter's teacher to see what is going on in school that would make her want to avoid homework. Be clear that homework is a job that she has to complete well, and help her to focus if she has difficulty staying on task. Make sure that there is nothing to distract her. Also, you will want to be certain that she doesn’t have any learning issues. You can have an educational consultant administer a battery of tests that will give you a lot of information. Good luck and try not to worry..

being a hypocrite

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I am an only child of an only child and now am the parent to an only child. I actually grew up not intending to have children. I got married at 30 and my husband was baby crazy (I think I was just never around too many babies so they were a bit foreign to me). He then convinced me to have a baby WHICH WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE!!! I was pregnant at thirty-four and had a wonderful pregnancy even though I had numerous colds, bladder infections and the CHICKEN POX of all things. But when I saw that beautiful face I knew I was completely and totally in love. After that we talked about having another child but wondered how we could ever afford it. Earlier this year I found myself pregnant. I wasn't sure if I was happy or not but once we went to the doctor, we discovered that there was no heartbeat.

At that point. I knew it was better to be happy for what I have rather than wish for what I don't have. I am thirty-nine-years old now and have heard it from every side, “I’m so sorry you don’t have a brother or sister!", “You must be very spoiled."

“I bet you got anything you ever wanted." But my all time favorite is, “You must have missed not having a brother or sister.” Please let me explain something to everyone out there, You cannot miss what you never had! Sure, sometimes I wished I had someone of my own age to play with or to hang around with, but my parents always allowed friends to come over and spend time with me. But when it was time for friends to go home I was also just as happy to be able to be in my own room

with my own things and have my parents to myself. You may call that selfish but it is the truth. I was able to do things my friends didn't even have a chance to think about. I was always with my parents and even as I was growing up they were able to trust me and I them because I knew they were always there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends that have had a wonderful life growing up with brothers and sisters but that was their life not mine. But it seems to be just fine for someone to put my life down just because it was not like theirs. Isn’t that what we call being a hypocrite? Everyone just needs to be happy. Some people are unable to even have one child and others seem to think having a litter will make them money or give them the love they missed out on somewhere else.Thank you for allowing me to vent.

It's gratifying to receive a letter from a contented only child who

has an only child. Having more than one child doesn't guarantee an ideal family dynamic. In fact, the squabbling among siblings and the way emotional and financial resources need to be spread around can easily tear a family apart. While it is true that siblings can provide support and diversion when kids are growing up, there is no guarantee that siblings will remain friends when they are adults. Often siblings grow into people we don't necessarily want to be around or they create dissent. It's particularly important for only children to make close friends and nurture them through the years. My daughter met her best friend in preschool and three other best friends in elementary school.When she got married they were her bridesmaids, and in a few months they will be throwing her a shower for her first baby. These young women will never lose their bonds with one another because they chose to be together. Interestingly, three of these girls are also only children. Contrary to popular belief, only children tend to be very social because they know that they have to be if they are to have close relationships with people other than their parents.

You have such a positive attitude about being an only child that your child is bound to be a positive person as well.

empty nest syndrome

I don't know where to turn or if this site can be of any help to me. I have a twenty- yearold only son, a junior in college in Virginia and we live in Florida. I have been married for nearly twenty-five-years. I need advice on dealing with an only son who has rejected any of my caring and concerns, and now I feel that I need to separate from him. I wouldn't say I'm overbearing, but he may think so. Many of the books I've seen about raising an only child, start with when they are little. Too late for that. I understand my

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son wanting to grow up. He made the choice to leave home and be independent, and is doing it rather successfully. He earned two scholarships and is currently in leadership in the Corps of Cadets at Virginia Tech. I'm the one who seems to be dependant on him now, and he doesn't seem too happy about phone calls, texts, or e-mails with my concerns, even when he may be sick with the flu. I don't know how NOT to care.

My husband seems to think it's my problem. He spent most of our son's childhood away from us and in the Navy, so he has only been present for the last seven years.

Can you suggest any books that DON'T start with childhood? My son is now a man and for the most part he resents being an only child, despite our having had seven exchange students live with us for the last three years, which I thought was helpful for all of us. I was thirty-six when my son was born, and unfortunately I had three miscarriages, so having another child just wasn't meant to be. I don't need any more exchange students. I just need to figure out how to be less of a mom to my only child.

More is not always better, as I think you are finding out. You son

is doing exactly what nature intended; he is deliberately making a separation between the two of you so that he can grow into an independent man. Your husband is right. This is your problem. I imagine that since your husband was away during many of your son's formative years that you felt that you had to be everything to your boy. While I am sure that your son will look back on that time and give thanks for your loving care, he needs to break away now, and you have to let him go. But don't despair; he will be back.

I'm sure that you have heard the old adage that you have to let go to hold on. Well it's true. The more that you complain about your son's avoidance, the more he will feel the need to avoid you. Your son needs some privacy right now so that your separation anxiety won't keep him from establishing close relationships with women. I highly recommend Carl Pickhardt's book "The Future of Your Only Child," which contains some excellent advice on dealing with adult only children.

attachment parenting 44

Hi, I have been reading your blog. I have a six-month-old child and although I have always imagined myself with three kids, I am feeling very happy with my one at the moment. We put a lot of energy into caring for our daughter and meeting her needs (Attachment parenting). I believe that every child needs a close attachment with their mother and father to grow up secure and able to venture out independently. And, I am finding that fostering that attachment requires a LOT of time and attention. At

the moment, I cannot imagine having the time and energy to do this again - at least not for a very long time. We are young parents, so we do have that option.

I am the older child in my family. I have a brother who is very close in age, with whom I played a little when we were small, but now we have nothing in common and don't normally bother to see each other, as we have our own lives.

I feel that i there was external pressure for my parents to have a second child and I remember feeling betrayed that my parents would have another child so soon after me. I was still a baby and needed the attention and attachment. So, since leaving the family home at sixteen, my brother and I have both basically lived lives as only children. And we like it this way! I no longer feel bitter that my parents had a second child, but from my perspective, it was not all fun and games like they probably expected. My brother and I fought a lot, sometimes actually trying to kill each other. My parents didn't believe us. They thought we were "best friends.� Their marriage suffered because one parent had wanted one and the other wanted more, and that's sad - that they were so stressed. I have talked about this with my brother since we have been adults and we both agree that the main thing we had in common was that it was "us" against "them" - us kids against the stressed, tired, cranky parents. Is that a happy loving family?

I know other families manage a brood and everyone's happy, and hats off to them, but this is what I say to people now if they ask me "When is the next one coming along?" Our family is complete now, and if we chose to have another child at some point, it will still be complete. I am offended at some level when I hear the phrase, "When you have completed your family." Think about it. How does that feel to the kids you already have? They must think that they're somehow not enough. My family is complete now. It's not a question of my daughter being an only or not at this stage, but simply that she by herself is enough.

Thank you for your insight. You certainly seem like the kind

of mother who respects her child's individuality and won't compromise what is right for your family even when the pressure is on. I still am amazed that parents of only children are made to feel guilty for their decision especially when the world is so overpopulated. You have no idea of how many letters we receive from guilt ridden parents of only children who think that another child will provide some kind of playmate Nirvana.

I know that didn't happen with me and my brother. In fact, we also tried to kill one another ...as often as possible. And I was as bad as he was. Now that we are all grown up, we see one another rarely and have little in common. My husband and I are also the primary caregivers for my ninety-one-year-old mother.

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My brother shows up once a week to take her to lunch, do a few errands and then disappears for another week. How wonderful that you have such clear perspective on things. Should you decide to have another child I am sure that it will be for the right reasons, not because you feel that you have to fulfill someone else's expectations.

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Thinking About Thinking

Why Are 80% of Harvard Students First-Borns?

Posted in Books, Pop Culture by larrycheng (http://larrycheng.com) on March 6, 2010

That’s my estimate anyway. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my freshman year at Harvard, and I was going to the first lecture of “Justice” – one of the most popular classes on campus. The lectures took place in Sanders Theater packed with over a thousand students, since it’s only offered once every three years. The first question the professor asked – please stand up if you’re the first born child in your family (inclusive of only children). I literally felt like everyone in the entire theater stood up – except me since I’m a youngest child. Why is it that such a high majority of Harvard students are first borns or only children?

Because birth order matters according to Dr. Kevin Leman, author of “The Birth Order Book – Why You Are the Way You Are.” I’ve been reading it – here’s his framework on how the different orders generally are (noting that not every characteristic applies to every child).

First Child: perfectionist, reliable, conscientious, a list maker, well organized, hard driving, a natural leader, critical, serious, scholarly, logical, doesn’t like surprises, a techie.

Middle Child: mediator, compromising, diplomatic, avoids conflict,

independent, loyal to peers, has many friends, a maverick, secretive, used to not having attention.

Youngest Child: manipulative, charming, blames others, attention seeker, tenacious, people person, natural salesperson, precocious, engaging, affectionate, loves surprises.

Only Child: little adult by age seven, very thorough, deliberate, high achiever, self-motivated, fearful, cautious, voracious reader, blackand-white thinker, talks in extremes, can’t bear to fail, has very high expectations for self, more comfortable with people who are older or younger.

Tags: Birth+Order, Kevin+Leman, Harvard

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