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Cheaper Than a kuneh!




OF CONTE FEATURES| Advisor's Column A Play Review on Steroids

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A Peek Behind the Red Curtain


Backstagers Futeca Girl Soccer Team

The Annual Science Fair Student Council Meet the Sophomores

The Puzzle Page

■■^■■I^^Hreal lifeI

World Cup France 98 Dreams

Frank Lloyd Wright The Unicorn


Welcome to Disneyland, a Place for Kids

A Moment of Triumph

^^^^■^^Mi SURVAYS

Toilet Paper

Do Men Understand Women? The Question from Hell The Question from Hell II GuerraGaucha


Everything You Need to Know About Life, and


Who are the Toadies?


Spanish Poetry Maya Libs

132 Different Phrases Killer Cookie Guys in a Small Town Work, Don't Make me Come Slap you!

"...And now, the Continuation to B.S." "...With the Sky clear and Blue-

Black and White

The Boy

A Not So Scary Halloween Story Sophomoric Mysteries II. '*"'■ Cartoons From the Art Department

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10 12 14 15

■ 16 18 19 20 21 22 24


Mr. Evil Jim Pastore


Bubba Manson

Mad hatter

Psycho Spanky Pabon


Benjamin Enrique Baldizon

The Brains of the Pulse

Jaime Brown

Next Agatha Christie

Roberto Castaiier

Sportsman of the year


Poetic Genius



Kyung Ro

25 26

Disney Consultant

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■ 38 42 45 46 49

52 54 56 58 60


Sebastian Strzalkowski

Vault of Weird Ideas

Naked Ape Valle











Join the Marilyn Manson Family 25935 Detroit RD. Suite #329 Westlake, Ohio 44145



another year has come


gonc.was 19% REALLY that short, or does

it just seem that way? And how in tarnation did we ever get done so much in just one cal endar year? (of course, teachers talk about a "year" as beginning in August, and ending in June, which can cause some interesting mixups in communication when talking with adults from the "rest" of the world, who run on a more "traditional" calendar, January to "blase"!!!). Think about all of the things, events and activities that took place "last" year... "FAME" , "100 Years of Broadway" and "Kiss Me Kate" in 11 months; sports trips to El Salvador for basketball and Costa Rica for

soccer and volleyball; graduation of the class of *96; Senior retreat in August; Christmas baskets and "Secret Santas" in December, as well as who knows how many choir concerts; the Performing and Visual Arts Show; the Friendship Fair (and I've got a photo prov ing that Dr. Pasquale dunked me illegally at the Senior dunking booth!); A slew of SAT, PSAT and TOEFL tests; Copa Maya volley ball, basketball and soccer, with record numbers of games played and schools partic ipating; and , of course, issues of "the Maya PULSE" to try and document it all. How do we get it all done? Beats the heck out of me! But there are enough big hearts, souls and minds (heads too!) around here to somehow pull it all off year after year

after year... The great thing about working on a stud ent publication AND being a high school English teacher is that I can assign work in

class that I can then put in the magazine! Nothing like the knowledge that several HUNDRED people are going to be reading your work to get those old "juices jangling",

to paraphrase the great Negro Leagues base ball pitcher Satchel Paige. The REAL great part is being able to pro vide a place for student writers to publish their work, whether it be class work or something that the student has done on their own for personal satisfaction. This issue has a variety of works of creative writing: sci ence and fantasy fiction; poetry in both Eng lish and Spanish; and personal essays. The PULSE also has an art section, provided by Mrs. Ramirez' art classes. These pieces of art are representative of the type of work that Maya student are capable of producing. Along with the art are about a dozen cartoons also produced by the art classes. They might provide you with a students viewpoint of Maya. It's nice to see that many of our scholars can poke fun at themselves and their little "cliques" while also making a statement about the place where they spend the majori ty of their waking hours. Of course, for some reason the "run Forrest, run." Cartoon seems to be a favorite among the student body, but I have NO idea why... Anyway, here's to the new year. Try to be a part of what's going on around you at Maya, even if you've never really participat ed before. I fact, if you haven't been a part of a Maya team, production, or event, you are just the person that the Faculty sponsors are looking for- fresh blood to invigorate a pro gram is always welcome..xome out and join the fun!!!

A Vky Review Oie


This fall Colegio Maya presented the first

of the two plays that are going to be done

this year. "Kiss Me Kate" is not only the first play of the year, but it is the first play ever presented in the new gymnasium/ thea ter complex in a stage, designed by students, built with the help of the school carpenters. The story is about a theatrical group which is putting up Kiss Me Kate, a musical adaptation of William Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrewd. On the play, Fred Graham, the main character, sends some flowers to Ms, Louis Lane, but because of a mistake made by his assistant, the flowers are delivered to Ms. Lilli Vanessi on the exact day in which she and Mr. Graham were celebrating the first anniversary of their divorce. Without reading the note that accompanied the flow ers, Ms. Vanessi thinks that the flowers were for her, and she hopes a reconciliation bet ween her and Mr. Graham is possible. When Fred comes in he tries to get back the note, but she doesn't let him and the illusion keeps on growing on her mind. In the other hand, Bill Calhoun (who is a compulsive gambler) loses $10,000 and signs an IOU in Fred's name. At the same time that the flowers are delivered to Ms. Vanessi, two gangsters make their appearance looking for the money , and Mr. Graham denies that he had gam bled that day. The play starts and Mrs. Va nessi seems to be very happy, until she finds out backstage, when Fred is acting, of the content of the note and comes up on stage and reproaches Fred in front of the unknow ing audience. At the same time, Bill Calhoun and Lois Lane attempt to solve their romantic problems.

Lilli wants to quit the play to go with Harrison Howell, a old withered congress man, but Fred, convincing the gangsters that the only way they could get their money y making g the show continue,, con back is by i h f M Vi to stay and vinces them to force Mrs. Vanessi

by getting themselves in a clown dress, they

come on stage and make sure that Ms. Va-

nessi acts. The play finally ends happily as Ms. Vanessi returns to Fred, the debt is forgi ven, and Bill and Lois come together. The musical showcased the performance of our very talented students. Vanessa Bergonzoli, as Lilli Vanessi (Katharine in the play), and Abdias Irizarry, as Fred Graham (Petruchio), did a great job playing the main roles on the story, and their singing was also exceptional. Dan Luna and Allison Schwartz played the gangsters, which were the most popular (and the funniest) characters of the play. Louis Lane (Bianca) were represented by Allison Lugo and Kevin Baldizon played Bill Calhoun (Lucentio). They both did a great job. Harry Trevor (Baptista) was Tomas Lin's personification and it wasn't easy to make him act as an old man mainly be cause of his eternal childish behavior. We have characters that do not appear in both settings (although they participated in the dance and song sequences). In the back stage scenes, Hattie, played by Amanda Rhodes, not only did the best when singing the opening song of the show, but she also gave her best when, in one of the three shows, her microphone fell and she had to sing without it Anyway, she did great Jeff Brown gave the play a different per spective with his appearance on the second act with his personification of Harrison "Viejo Verde'* Howell, an old man who desires to marry the main actress of the show, Fred Graham's ex-wife, Lilli Vanessi. Maria Estrada, Debra Walsh, Rana Hamdy, and Ben Baldizon are the other characters that only appeared backstage representing the Stage Manager, the Stage Doorman, Pauline (which was Fred Graham's assistant), and the Cab Driver, respectively. They demonstrated their superb acting skills despite the minute-

ness of their parts.

There were also some characters that only appeared on the Padua scenes, since they where only actors on the story and they didn't take place around Fred Graham or Lilli VanessL Jorge Cortes (Gremio), Sung Wan Ro (Hortensio), Asaf Mazar (Haberdasher), and Paige Cunningham, Maria Koch, and Maggie Rhodes (Petruchio's three servants) all fit in this category. They all performed

marvelously, specially in the comical scenes and their songs.

The singing ensemble, composed by Alice Chen, Elizabeth Luk, Robin Orlanski, Jamie Brown, Vanessa Carbonell, Mira Cho and Yoon Kim, did great in their songs "I sing of love" and "Too darn hot". Their per formance made the play's musical aspect a success and proved everyone who thought the play would be a failure wrong. The play's dance, choreographed by the extremely talented Ms. Storey, also came out marvelously. The rose dancers in Lucentio's hallucination, Daniela Lopez, Maria Estrada, Robin Orlansky, Amanda Rhodes and Alice Chen made everyone speechless with their movements and their rhythm.

Finally, the play would not have been as good without the participation of the Padua Citizens, who served as dancers, singers and occasional crowd- Personified by Loretta Luk, Ana Mercado, Ayumi Sakamoto, Reinier Spruit, Kyung Ro, Jenn Garber, Ellen Yoon Javier Lacayo, {Catherine Gonzalez, Andrea Damarceno, Daniela Lopez and Valerio De Meo. Overall, the play was done in a wonder ful manner and only Broadway actors could have equaled their performance. According to many audience members interviewed later on by means of torture and brainwashing, the play exceeded last year's Fame in humor, performance and overall "I liked it very much"ness. On a scale of one to Six hundred twelve Pulse points, we give Kiss me Kate Six hundred and eleven with three fourths. We seriously hope that the next play, The Mystery Maze, exceeds the hard work and performance by Maya students, until then, pass a kidney stone... I mean, break a leg!


AWARD*. Best Memory: Abdias Irrizary (Look at all those lines, man!) Best Acton Kevin Baldizon. Best Actress: Allison Schwartz .

Best kiss: Abdias Irrizary and Vanessa Bergonzolli.

Best hug: Kevin Baldizon and Abdias Irriz ary.

Funkiest Outfits: Allison Schwartz and Dan Luna. Best transformation: Jeff Brown. Best Director Mr. Joseph Feia. Best Art Direction: Mrs. Ramirez. Best Music Director: Ms. Storey. Coolest tights: Abdias Irrizary. Most Dedicated to the Play: Mrs. Feia. Most Interesting effect: Death of a bird. Most Successful Money Makin' Idea: Talent Show. Best Doughnuts: Senior Class.

WAU OF tHAMC Worst Audience member: Mr. Pastore. Worst Seat: H36 Worst Camera Work: Whoever set up the TV inside the girls locker room

And Mark Twain said:

God made idiots for practice, then he made school board members. DISCLAIMER: APPROVED BY CHOOSY FISH EVE RYWHERE, VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN. USE TWICE A







A peek behind the Red Curtains Inside the mind Šf a Kiss Me Kate actress Kyung the Great

"Okay guys-. That was much better than yesterday! It really was. Come on, let's just do that again. Now I understand that you are

dance, songs, the actors practiced their lines and all. Everybody seemed hyped up by the idea of three nights of performing. Trip, bonk! "Oh I'm so sony."

gestures) and all of you are doing great. You must be proud for all the work we've done!!!"

day or else..."

all tired and want to go home (no kidding!) it's just a few days more until the opening night! (accompanied with various hearty

These are the typical Mr. Feia words that rung out through the echoing Gym (sometimes associated with a microphone,., eek!) through out all play rehearsal. The af ter-school practices were siempre begun with his speech full of encouraging advises and fi nally closed with his speech of praise and promise. I've always wondered how Mr. Feia could just do that. I mean not a single time have he left out.

"Stop! (pause) What was that? Come on, aaaaargh- (pause) Again from the start! stop! again-"

That's Ms. Storey. Everybody knows. She's usually really sweet and funny, but just

as we reach the last, oh about, the last two weeks from opening night... then she really gets very enthusiastic. Oh it's not so bad. I had to stay after school only two times a week until five o'clock; I was in the Dancing Ensemble. Some other crew members had to stay three times or all through the week. Poor guys. It was okay, all right We learned new

"You gotta get those bricks painted by Mon

"What was my line again?' "Hitit,Susana." "Can you show me the steps again?" "Mr. Feia, can we have Burger King now? We're starving- why not? That's not fair." "We believe that the balcony is coming out fine... I guess." "(hiss-) Git outta that couch. We gotta get it out for the next scene. Come on, move it!" "Miss I can't wear this skirt!" "I love those shoes worn by the suitors." "Where's the light base and who took my eyeliner?" "Can you put make-up on me? I look weird if I do it myself. Oh thanks." "Miss! My skirt just ripped!" "What do you mean by that she stepped on the light bulb?" "It has finally come..." Just a few minor squeaky conversations that could be picked up during the rehearsal or in locker rooms while preparation for opening nights* We loved doing this. Espe-

daily through the mass confusion of care lessly thrown aside jumble of costumes, jeans, bags, sweaters and all other. Putting on the make up was the pain of all. If only we didn't have to do it so thick. There's also the irony of singing "Too Darn Hot" while we're freezing off in the floor (shake it, Mira!). In the last week of rehearsal, the whole cast stayed after school every day until six o'clock. Then was it painful and tiring. Espe cially was the case so true in Wednesday, the preview day. We presented few chops of the play twice during school time to Elementary, then Middle and High school. A point when once my loose flat shoe slipped half way off (I managed to put it on while jumping up and down). Then we had another all-the-waythrough rehearsal from seven to nine. A re hearsal as a real opening, feeling most dev astating. Mr. Feia and Ms. Storey was really proud

of us. The opening night was the most mean ingful and overwhelming. Everybody was fidgety, as for me, I couldn't stop cracking a

nervous smile on the stage (it's freezing in here!). "You guys did an excellent job tonight! You should be proud of yourself (cheer, clapity clap)." Yeah, we got through it Now thinking back, it only seem a mere blurry memory. I heard a several time some students singing the play songs in the hall way, such as "Kiss Me Kate," "Another Opening," "Why Can't You Behave," "Too Darn Hot," and "Brush up your Shakespeare." It was a real significant event for Colegio Maya for it was the first time to open our play in home ground. The backstage folks and curtain pullers accomplished extraordi nary jobs which made Mr. Feia very jolly. He said something like this in the end, "It's finally over guys! (scream, hugs, and compliments) You did very nice throughout all the rehearsal and had an excel lent result. You were all great! Enjoy the rest of your evening and thank you for all your effort. Bye!" So thus it was over, never to repeat. Another piece of memory to add to the year of 1997.


NEURONS I Of Beefry: Where did Albert Einstein keep his fish? MnGlass: I'm stumped, where? Beefry: In a think tank! HA! I kill me!

Freak: This is a picture of a goat eating grass. Biff: Where's the grass? Freak: The goat ate it. Biff: Where's the goat? Freak: Why would the goat stay if there was no more grass?. Woolie Woodo: What do you call a rotten es say! Jaffer: Search me, what? Woolie Woodo: A decomposition. Jiffy: What do you call a tired gardener? Lube: Beats me, what! Jiffy: Bushed. Stra: What do you call it when a 100 and 3 strawberries are all trying to get through the

door. Barry: A strawberry jam, hahjhah!

Scare: What happened when the Kings Men told humpty dumpty the joke? Croe: Search me. Scare: He fell for it Slit: What did one math book say to the oth er? Clitfford: I don't know, what?

Slit: I got a problem.

Figuel: What goes 99-thump, 99-thump, 99thump? Pud: Gee Golly, IDONT KNOW! Figuel: A centipede with a wooden leg

Dink: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Kinky: You got me. Dink: Cuatro cinco.



Sebastian Strzalkowski

The curtain went down, everybody cheered and the actors bowed, the crowd went home and the next day, the gym was clear again. Was this magic? Yes, the magic of the production crew. This year, Colegio Maya recruited a fine group to handle the backstage aspects of the play. The director this year was Mr. Joseph Feia, the musical director was our very own Kjerstine Storey and the artistic director and costume designer was Jan Ramirez. The technical director was Markus Holla, a fine young man in 1 lth grade, the pianist was Susana Chang, the Keyboardist and program designer was Anne Feia (the wife of Mr. Jo seph Feia), Curtain and Costume Production was Hugo Ramirez, the Sound Manager was Aaron Chock, and the Set Designers and constructors were Drew Mayrides and Woo

Chul Huang. The lights managers were Edgardo Pab6n and Mariana Raskosky. Mary Joe Lent, Min Jin Kang, and Hee Jung Park

were the prop managers. The flutist was Jen nie DeBusset and Kjerstine Storey played the recorder. Ana Teresa Mayrides handled the make-up, and Jamie Brown (writer in our

very own school magazine, the Maya Pulse) and Asaf Mazar did the transparencies. Inbal and her friend setup the wireless microphone system and Colegio Maya's maintenance managers maintained our sanitation during the whole play. The backstage crew was composed mainly of: Gustavo Andrade (the happy guy :), Albert Delgado, Esteban Fan-

jul, Carlos Hiroshi, Paul O' Sullivan, Alex ander Petricevic, Giancarios Valle and our favorite freshman: Sebastian. Well, I think one of the more interesting aspects of the Colegio Maya presentation of Kiss me, Kate was the "Fly System". "What is the *Fly System'?", you might ask, well it was the rope and pulley stuff hanging from the roof of the gym. I had the chance to catch

Magnus during his break from pulling the

curtains up and I just happened to have a pad and pencil with me... Mr. Franklin! Pm glad I caught yon. An swer me this if you will, how was the "Fly System" conceived? "One day I woke up and had a vision" said Mr. Feia (I cannot hold any responsibilities to this quote, since I am already quoting Magnes Franklin, so if you have a problem with this quote in a quote, do not complain to the Sebastian Dept., complain to Magnus Franklin, who quoted Mr. Feia) and he told us to do it, we borrowed pulleys from Mr. Bond and string from Mrs. Ramirez to make a model. The model got approved by Dr. Pasquale, and we started on the final design, the one that was in the gym. When we had one finished the designing, we ordered the pulleys and string needed to build the pulley system. As the workers put up the pulleys, we made slight modifications of the design. Then, when the system was done, we prac ticed pulling up and down the pulleys." Mario Chicas and Miguel Turner also helped Magnus Franklin with the "Fly System". They did quite a wonderful job and I honestly believe that they will go on to bet ter plays and learn and grow to be better "Fly System" designers. I asked Alex Petricevic (Set Group Man ager) what his thoughts were about his job in the play. He responded in a cynical tone, "Secret stuff\ I asked many people back stage, and they all preferred to keep the sub ject quiet. Paul O' Sullivan threatened to kill me and Gian just didn't seem to know what was going on. All and all, this play seemed to be a great success and it was very fortunate that a lot of people participated and made the play what it became.

Futecct Girls Soccer Teom Ben Baldizon This year Maya's girl's got an early start team's moral. on soccer. Starting in August, Mr. Pastore Spain's record ended up being 7 wins, 2 gave any girl that wanted to the opportunity ties, and 2 losses, and Brazil's was 5 wins, 2 to play in a soccer team at Futeca. Because ties, and 3 losses. Both teams made it to the of the overwhelming response, two teams de semi-finals, and Spain made it to the finals,

veloped, one wearing Brazil's uniform (Yellow and Blue) and one wearing Spain's (Red and Blue). These teams are sponsored by Banco Uno, Sam and Guia International. But before we go into the actual team and their games, let's take a look at the processes involved in starting the teams. Well, actually there wasn't that much in-

volved in getting the teams started, or at least not much that Mr. Pastore told me. He de cided that it would do the girls good to get some practice before soccer season and it would be a good experience for them to play at Futeca, since this would help them learn about soccer, how to pass the ball better, how to move faster, and how to maintain finer control over the ball* However, it isn't cheap to form your own team so he needed spon sors. Luckily, Mariana was able to get Ban co Uno to sponsor the teams and Carolina got Sam airlines to help out too. They paid for 2 sets of 25 uniforms, one for each team, and part of the inscription fee, which was Q1650 per team. Each girl also paid Q80 of their own money. The two teams have done outstandingly well, especially considering that most of the girls had never played on small courts like those at Futeca and some of them had just never played soccer before. The team wear ing Spain's uniform is now in first place and

the team wearing Brazil's uniform is in a tie for second. The teams are playing in the D league (which is the lowest level) but it is not for lack of skill. Every new team at Futeca must start in the D league, regardless of prev ious experience or skill. If it were a matter of ability, our teams would rate a lot higher. Just the other day I saw the Brazilian team

defeat an A league team with out much diffi culty. This game only occurred because the team that was going to play Brazil didn't come but it served a double purpose: to prove to anyone with any doubts that Maya's teams aren't loser teams and to boost the

but lost 5 to 1. The girls on the team seem especially ex cited about playing at Futeca. Here are some

of their comments in response to, "What do you think about playing at Futeca?" followed by a list of the people on the teams. "It's awesome to play there and there are lots of hot guys." -Kristin Gonzalez-

"I love it because it's a good experience and because there are lots of hot guys I know who come and cheer and I'm so happy Woohoohoo!" -Vanessa CarbonellBrazil Maya 1

Name Amanda Rhodes Melissa Leon Rana Hamdy

Robin Orlansky Kristin Gonzalez

Monica Garcia Carolina Mejia Ana Garcia Maggie Rhodes Daniella Lopez Mariana Raskosky Maria Koch Spain Maya 2 Luisa Meyerman Vanessa Carbonell Allison Lugo Ruth Carbonell

Michelle Wiater

Jennifer Peterson Maria Estrada JaeAhn Jeniffer Cintron Vanessa Bergonzoli Melanie Irizarry Andrea Damasceno

Number 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 9 Sub. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 Sub.

Grade 11 12 11 11 10 10 9 11 9 12 9 9

10 10

12 9 10 12 12 12 12 11

8 11

The Annual Science Fair Held By The Great, All-Mighty, Immortal Mr* Jen "Tfte tavior" Berke!!!! Giancarlo Valle

Well, another year is here and another science fair is here. This year there are two

new events, the straw tower contest and the paper airplane contest For those who wer en't here last year the science fair contests were the Paper tower contest ( which is the same as the straw tower contest only with pa per) and the egg drop contest ( where you had to build a container that would hold an egg and that the egg would not break when

thrown from the top of the gym). This year there were 78 teams or groups that consisted of 1 to 3 people. This year there were 34 middle school groups and 44 high school

2:15-2:20 Students will move into two launch lines. 2:20-2:50 Students watch as gliders are launched. 2:50 Students go to buses (Thanks to Mr. Berke for this charming exhilarating information on the schedule).

And now the moment you have all been waiting for, the Results to the Science Fair 1996...

groups. This was the program for the science fair that was held on December 6,1996... Place: Gym Time: 1:30-2:50 Event: Science Fair Ms/Hs List Of Events:

1:30-1:45 Students Get Into Groups: Middle School on right side of the Gym floor. High School on left side of the Gym floor.

1:45-1:45 Straw and Pins for straw tower competition are passed out to each group. 1:45-2:05 Students make the straw towers.

2:05-2:15 Students stay with their towers as they are measured (Here we will need extra teachers to measure).

Middle School: Straw Tower First Place at 212 cm- Ricardo Cortes, Kevin Odle, and Peter Benson. Second Place at 209 cm- John Song and Brian Jung. Third Place at 208 cm- Ai Hattori, Leticia Olivares, and Monica Martinez.

Glider longest Time Airborne First Place at 2.14 sec-Sebastion Gomez,

Edger Rodriguez, and Rodrigo Lopez. Second Place at 2.06 sec- Mark Lent and Hugo Miller. Third Place at 1,94 sec- Amaranta Villar* Monika Chang, Andrea Odle, and Sara Livermore

Gliders that traveled the greatest distance

First Place at 2.14 sec- Amaranta Villar, Monika Chang, Andrea Odle, and Sara Livermore

Second Place at 2.06 sec- Victor Lara and Young Seok Ahn. Third Place at 9.42 m- Mark Lent and Hugo Miller. High School

Straw Tower First place at 260 cm- Markus Holla, Ser gio, and Joe Tally Second Place at 252 cm- Abdias Irizarry, Daniela Lopez, and Marc Holbik Third Place at 237 cm- Michelle Wiater, Jaime Brown, and Christina Carrot Cowart.

Glider longest Time Airborne First Place at 2.8 sec- Carolina Mejia and Maria Koch. Second Race tied at 2.7 sec- Carlos Vic toria and Alejandra Valbuena. Valerio DeMeo, Dan Luna, and Javier Lacayo. Third Place at 2.6 sec- Maricel Castaner and Susan Sperry. Gliders That Traveled The Greatest Distance

First Place at 11.53m- Allison Lugo,

Robin Orlansky, and Maria Estrada, Second Place at 10.97 m- Matt Roney and Mario Chicas. Third Place at 9.73 m- Gustavo Andrade and Carlos Hiroshi.

(Lot of thanks to Mr. Berke for this vital information and to all a good night. Merry Christmas on the behalf of the Publications class because as you very well know that this

is my last article in the publication class in 1996 because as some of you may know I am going to another elective I am sorry to all my

fans but do not cry for I have loved this class

but I want to learn a little bit of everything in ninth grade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Compiled by: Naked Ape Valle

Q. Why did the baby cross the road? A. Because he was stapled to the chicken!! by: The Great Miguel Turner 9A

Q. How is dog related to God? A. They are related backward!! by: Sung-Wan 10 Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. Because he had no guts!! by: Giorgio 3B Q. What is the national bird of Florida? A. The mosquito. by: Roberto Castaner 9A

Q. How does an airhead kill a bird? A. He throws it off a cliff, by: Biff Migrone

Q. Why did Biff stare at the frozen orange juice carton? A. Because it said concentrate. by: Biff Migrone

Q. Why did Biff climb the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side, by: Biff Migrone Q. How does an airhead kill a fish? A. By drowning it by: Gus Q. What is the meaning of life? A. I have no idea,do you? by: Biff Migrone

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. O.K. now, don't get a brain cramp and don't strain yourself, but the answer is to cross the road! by: Su-Han Park



Ben "The Humble One1' Baldizon

This year (like every other year) we have a Student Council. However, there have been several changes effected for many reasons. Nevertheless, Student Council's general pur pose and goals remain basically the same. Student Council was off to a slow start this year due to a lack of enthusiasm by the students and a few problems encountered. Because only two people ran for Student Council positions, the traditional President, Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer govern ment was changed to a Prime Minister, Vice Minister government, and the number of rep resentatives per grade was changed from four to two.

Then, there were school problems like the Time Capsule incident, the keyboard in cident, and the screen saver incident. These affected Student Council because it focused people's attention on these negative incid ents. Nobody talked about the volleyball wel come back lunch, which I didn't even know about until I wrote this article, but everyone knew about the Time Capsule. Despite these problems, Student Council has managed to accomplish quite a lot. Their accomplishments so far are: the reestablishment of the Student Council (necessary due to the lack of enthusiasm), a welcome back lunch for the volleyball teams, a candy sale, the Copa Maya inauguration, the Halloween costume contest, the whole Secret Santa thin-

gy, the High School Christmas party and Christmas spirit competition, the new written constitution (which was a major undertaking that provides guidelines for the responsibili ties of Student Council members as well as their meetings, activities, and methods of im peachment), and they sent a team of five to the leadership conference in El Salvador. The leadership conference was attended by the Prime Minister (Asaf Mazar), the Vice Minister (Page Cunningham), Vanessa Bergonzoli, Alison Schwartz, and Inbal Mazar.

About the conference, Mr. Smith says, "The host school had everything planned out very

well. All the schools demonstrated excellent conduct. Mr. Phil, the leadership speaker taught us a lot about communication, cooper ation, making decisions, thinking creatively, paying attention to details, and having fun. Their immediate goals are: to set up a computer lab monitoring system, organize a Burger King lunch thing, to establish more service opportunities for the student body both on and off campus, and to get Mr. Smith some backstage tickets for the next Shakira concert.

Their overall goals are: I. To provide services for the school as well as the underprivileged communities. II. To unify the student body and increase school spirit. Ill- To prevent vandalism, littering, etc.

You may be wondering why Mr, Smith is in charge of Student Council. And then again you may not really care but I'm gonna tell you anyway. Mr. Smith's first response to the question was, "Because I'm so dam good looking." (Funny how his initials just happen to be BS) Then Mr. Smith got seri ous. He was asked if he wanted to be in charge of Student Council. Because he had done this last year, he felt he was qualified to take the position. He'd also been in the Student Government in college and he'd taught government so he thought he had a pretty good idea of what Student Council should do. Mr. Smith is very optimistic about Stud ent Council. In his words, "We had a slow start and problems around the school but I have 10 intelligent, diligent, willing students in Student Council. As they gain more ex perience and organization, I expect to see a lot more good things happening for the school and for Student Council. When asked if he had any comments, he said, "I'd like to thank those in Student Council for their effort and for all that they've done. They've been great. Thank's to all the other people for help and ideas. Please support the Student Council." Following is a list of the people in Stud

ent Council, their grade, their position, and a brief summary of the responsibilities of these


Name Grade Position Asaf Mazar 11 Prime Minister Paige



Vice Minister

Jorge Cortes


Senior Representative



Senior Representative

Vanessa Bergonzoli


Junior Representative

Alison Schwartz


Junior Representative







Sophomore Representative

Christina Miller


Sophomore Representative

Magnus Franklin


Freshman Representative

{Catherine Gonzalez


Freshman Representative

Brad Smith Teacher


Prime Minister:

sets the

Agenda, writes reports, presides over meet ings, maintains a phone list of those in Stud ent Council, is the voice of Student Council to the outside community, monitors activities and their reports.

Vice Minister:

writes the

minutes, keeps records of finances, updates Student Council bulletin board, monitors the suggestion box takes over when Prime Min ister isn't there.

Representative: informs class about meetings, represents interests of their class, votes on decisions.

Activity Head: Sets up and pre

sides over special meetings for their specific activity, establishes committees to help achieve goal. Attends all meetings, sug gests ideas, records participation of mem bers, monitors finances of Student Council, writes reports for the High School newsletter, gets things cleared with the principle, direc tor, other teachers, etc.

Student Council meets every Tuesday in Mr. Smith's room, you are welcome to attend

the meetings, bring your ideas for activities, concerns and enthusiasm.



This year the Sophomores are much more confid ent and much less confused. School work is getting harder but easier for they had a year of experiencing the routine in ninth grade. Teachers are harder and less lenient but hey, that's the way the ball bounces. If you remember the last pulse had this article one of the many continued articles but it was a review on the freshmen/woman. (Gotta be politically correct these days.)

The term Sophomore means "wise fool". This means that you are a little wiser now that have sur passed the freshmen/women but you are still a fool be cause there is still two more years of fun filled learn ing ahead! Yay I know that after reading this article you will be inspired and ready to tackle that,... six more years of school left! Then the fun part, real life work with taxes and government dues, mortgages, marriage,... unless you're going to grow up a hermit and that's just to name a few of the more fun things to do around after your high-school career. •


1 Gustavo




Woah not even one! Oh well as the year progresses maybe new students will come in to Maya. Aside from having no new students the class is pretty much the same. Although this year there are two new teach ers. With the loss of Dr.Thomas and Mr. Vance come in Mrs. Harris who teaches English and Mr. Smith who teaches History.

The sophomore's class leader is Mr. Smith, with help from Mrs. Bond. The class president is Nathan Lee and vice president is Inbal Mazar. The secretary is Jamie Brown and the treasurer is Monica Garcia. The Sophomore class used to have Mrs. Smith teaching English but it was only temporary. She taught for four weeks in Mrs. Harris'absence. She can now be found teaching fourth grade in the elementary building. Now you may recognize this format and you may not. On the following page is a list of Sophomores likes and hobbies so enjoy. Now is there any words of advice that I can offer? No not really after all I am a Sophomore and wouldn't want to show any favoritism. p.s. Mana Barrera left our class in favor of a whole other school.


7\14N80^ Columbian




Star Wars (all)







Star Wars (all)


A lot

Theater Arts







Power of One

Mel Gibson








The Rock




Riding Bike






Gone with the Wind










Sharon Stone










Brad Pitt


Self Study







Brad Pitt









Brave Heart

Will Smith





















Self Study

Horse Riding

























U\27\80 Israel

Spanish Rack

Brave Heart





God Father



11U2Y79 U.S.A.


Forrest Gump

Mel Gibson










12M0N81 Bolivian




















Brave Heart












Brad Pitt


Self Study




Self Study

PAuly Shore



Horse Riding



Pub. (not!)

Watch T.V.




Shaq (he's hot)




Keanu Reeves

Sea Green







Keanu Reeves






2. Can you fill in the squares with 1. Make the two

a series of continuous numbers in

squares the same size

a way that each diagonal adds up

only by moving four

to twenty one?

3. Find a way to

DOUBLE the size of

the square lake with out chopping down


the trees...

Q Q 4. By using one unbroken line, cross each and everyone of the segments (AB, BC, CO...) in a way that no seg ment is crossed twice.


5. Connect the

6. Join each of the pairs of

nine dots by

points with straight lines in a

using only four

way that the lines lie on the

straight contin

grid and do not intercepts

uous lines

each other.










Wtt*l> GU*

FRANCE '$$ Roberto Castaner

For the first time in history, thirty-one teams go to the World Cup. Three are from

North America and the Caribbean, three or four from Asia* fourteen from Europe (plus France as host), five from Africa, one or none from Oceania and four from north America plus Brazil as defending Champion. As always, qualification tournaments start

two years before the cup. They have already started. Every continent has its own tourna ment with its own fonn and its own rules. I will through the continents one by one telling you about the groups in each and how the tournament is structured.

In South America there is only one group. Nine teams are on it and the best four qualify. Brazil doesn't compete because they go as defending champions. There will be a total of five South American teams in the cup.

The teams in the group are as follows: Colombia Ecuador Chile Argentina Bolivia Paraguay Uruguay Peru Venezuela

There will be three teams from North America and the Caribbean. There are three groups winners and second place teams ad* vance to a second round (one group). Then,

the top three teams qualify.The groups are:

Group One United States Costa Rica Guatemala Trinidad Tob^o

Group Two Canada El Salvador Panama Cuba

Group Three Mexico Honduras St. Vincent Jamaica

Africa has five groups. Winners of each group will go to the Cup to make a total of five teams. The groups are:

Group One Burkina Faso Guinea Kenya Nigeria

Group Two Egypt Liberia Namibia Tunisia

Group Three Congo South Africa Zaire Zambia

Group Four Angola Cameron Togo Zimbabwe

Group Five Burundi Gabon Ghana Morocco

There are nine European Qualifying groups. Out of those groups, fourteen teams will qualify. The winners of each group and the best second place team qualify. The re maining eight second place teams are drawn

into four pairs and the winners qualify. France automatically qualifies as a fifteenth European team because they are the host.

The groups are: Group One Denmark Greece Croatia Slovenia Bosnia

Group Two Italy

England Poland Georgia


Group Three Norway Switzerland Finland Finland Hungaiy Azerbaijan

Group Four Sweden Austria Belarus Latvia Estonia Scotland

Group Five Russia Bulgaria Israel Cyprus Luxembourg

Group Six Spain Czech Republic Slovakia Yugoslavia Malta Faroe Islands

Group Seven Netherlands Belgium Turkey Wales San Marino

Group Eight Rumania

Macedonia Litchenstein

Group Nine Germany Albania Portugal

Ukraine Armenia North Ireland

Lithuania Iceland

Asia has ten qualifying groups out of which three or four teams will qualify. They will go through three rounds of elimination. In the first round, the winners of each group advance. In the second, they will make two groups of five out of which the winners and second place teams advance. In the third round, the best team of the remaining four qualifies. The other three play between them selves and the best two qualify. The third plays the winner of Oceania, and if he wins,

he qualifies. If not, the team from Oceania qualifies. The groups are: Group One Group Two Saudi Arabia Iran Malaysia Maldives Bangladesh Syria Taiwan Kirgizstan Group Three

Group Four

Group Five Uzbekistan Yemen Indonesia Cambodia

Group Six South Korea Thailand Hong Kong

Group Seven Kuwait Lebanon Singapore

Group Eight China Tukmenistan Vietnam Tadjikistan

Group Nine Iraq Pakistan Kazakstan

Group Ten India Qatar Sri Lanka Philippines

United Arab Emirates Japan Bahrain Nepal Jordan Oman Macao

Out of Oceania one or zero teams will qualify. There are two groups. The winner of one will play the winner of the other, and the winner of that, will play Asia's fourth place. If they win, they go to the Cup. They are: Group One Australia Tahiti (Polynesia vrs. Solomon Islands)

Group Two Fiji New Zealand Papua New Guinea

Thanks for reading. If you want to watch any of the games check ESPN, ESPN2, and Canal 7. The International Channel sometimes has games depending on what country they're broadcasting from- TVE (Spanish Channel) has some games if you like Spain, but I can't be sure when...

Ufcet DÂť Tfceg Www? InbaJ Mazar

"Dreams are rudiments of the great state to come, we dream what is about to happen99 â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Bailey.

The non-scientific side of dreaming has a lot to do with a belief that each dream has a certain prediction of the future in it. But that also makes people wonder,., do aliens exist? But, back to the subject, many people have predicted deaths, tragedies, fortunes, and other things in DREAMS. Here are some


-Joan of Arc predicted her death through

a dream.

-President Abraham Lincoln saw himself at his own funeral with mourners all around. A little later, he was assassinated.

In the book 10,000 Dreams Interpreted, different kinds of dreams are translated. This article will give some of those translations

based on the book.

The first dream that I will talk about is the dream of a little dude in elementary. In the dream, the person saw that he was sitting on his mothers new rug and his brother touched his back. All of a sudden, his teeth fell out. There are many meanings to dreams about teeth. In this specific dream, it means deaths or accidents will occur. It turned out that a little after his dream, a death occurred. Not always will these dreams predictions come true, it is all right for each persons dream to mean a different thing, but these predictions can and do come true for many.

Here are some interpretations to the most

popular dreams:

-To dream of an alligator, unless you kill it, is unfavorable to anyone connected to the dream. It is a dream of caution. -For a married woman, to dream she is giving birth to a human means great joy. For a single woman, this dream means abandon ment by her lover.

-Since we are now in December, to dream of a Christmas tree denotes joyful occasions and fortune. To see one disman tled, foretells some painful incident will fol low occasions of festivity. And while we are

in the Christmas month, dreaming of the month of December means accumulation of

wealth, but loss of friendship.

-To dream of conversing with a dead relative who makes you promise something^neans that unless you follow the advice or complete the promise, there will be disastrous consequences.

-To dream you are getting fat means you are about to make a fortunate change in your life. -To dream of having your hair cut, de notes disappointments.

-To dream of a wounded horse foretells friends in trouble. To dream of a dead horse means disappointments of different kinds. -To dream of a rooster means fame in the future that will make you conceited.


Frank Lloyd Wright is probably one of the best architects of all time for his unique way of designing modern buildings. Frank Lloyd Wright was born in Richland Center, Wisconsin., June 8,1867, and died April 9, 1959.

He was recognised for his innovative modern buildings, which are located through out the world. Frank Lloyd Wright studied civil engineering at the University of Wis consin. After that he moved to Chicago, where he went to work as a draftsman in the office of Adler and Sullivan in 1887. He began designing a few of his own pri vate houses for some of Adler and Sullivan's clients. He had a very unique way of building houses that he soon found out. The houses had low, sweeping roof lines hanging over uninterrupted walls of windows; his plans were centered on huge brick and stone fire places at the heart of the house; his rooms became increasingly open to another; and overall layout of his plans became more and more independent, reaching out toward some real or imaginary prairie horizon. Wright designed urban buildings mostly in the suburbs of Chicago (where I used to live). He designed the Unity church in Oak Park, III in 1906 which, by the way ,still stands, he also designed the Larkin Company Administration Building in Buffalo, New York in 1904, which was unfortunately de

molished in 1950. His first buildings at this period were designed with far reaching ter rain and the landscapes had glazed walls,

terraces, and low-slung roof overhangs. Frank Lloyd Wright worked on his own after Sullivan and started to become one of the most well known figures of architecture. Over the period of the next 20 years Wright went to many exhibitions and traveled to Eu rope, and that made him famous even in the little towns of Europe and France. Ludwig Mies van der Rohe and Le Corbusier were influenced by Wright's work, which at that time was well known in Europe in the field ofactitecture. When Wright got back to the United States people would acknowledge his work

everywhere he went Frank Lloyd Wright was then at the peak of his life. From then he slightly changed his way of building and got a little bit plain and simple in 1915. He made

many romantic house designs and that was how he changed his old way of designing. During the rest of his life he became the most famous U.S. architect of our time. He built an architecture school but his pupils were few. So, thanks for your time and even though every one does not have a clue about Frank Lloyd Wright; I think he is the coolest guy in the world, because he inspired me to write this.


fl Magieal Mythical Creature Inbal Mazar

There are many different theories about the unicorn's existence. One of them is that they might have lived in some dark part of the mysterious Himalayan mountains. Anoth er theory is that, like the pterodactyl, the uni corn had once existed, but is now extinct. This creature has had different meanings in different places. For example, in China it is called the ki'lin and represents good for tune and longevity, while in Arabian coun

tries it is called Karkadann, and it symbolizes

a fierce fighter.

In 3 B.C., 72 Jewish scholars living in Alexandria translated the Old Testament from Hebrew to Greek. In the translation, the unicorn first entered the Old Testament. It is mentioned in four different places as the "Re'en" a large, fierce, horned beast. Today, it is believed that it was a wild buffalo, ex tinct by the time that the Old Testament was translated. This took the unicorns legend to Europe. A few years later, it was extended as far as Adam and Eve in the Bible. There have also been ideas of the unicorn as being small, fierce, and very ferocious. Some legends say that it could only be cap tured by the lure of a virgin, attracted to her purity and to her smell. It would come to her and lay it's head on her lap. People say that when God created Earth, he made a river which followed from the Garden Of Eden to braided veins of Onyx and Gold. This river was split into four dif ferent branches: the Euphrates, Pison, one that followed east toward Assyria, and one that circled Ethiopia. There were beautiful

creatures, but only two were named, Adam and Eve. So God gave Adam the task of

naming all of the animals in the garden. The first he chose was the unicorn. When God heard the name,he reached down and touched the tip of the single horn of this animal, lo cated on it's forehead. Thereafter, the uni corn is said to be elevated from other beasts.

Peddlers who brought needles to the

lonely, scattered villages also brought tales of mermaids, kings, battles, and OF COURSE, the fabulous, one horned beast. Thus, no one was surprised if a hunter claimed that while he was chasing a stag through the forest, he saw something that looked like a unicorn through the tree branches. He would say that the sight of the silken beard, the quick grace, and the mother of pearl horn would make him restless, and not pleased and satisfied with the usual prey. In the hunters house the memory would ling er on as he tell a few friends. So they meet at dawn at the well tended fields of the lord of the castle, the lord is there, along with several noblemen, a hounds men, scouts, pages, and water carriers. Some people would show up to tell the hunters to leave them alone. "Just as Adam and Eve were not permitted to touch the forbidden fruit, so are we joined against hunting the unicorn. Who knows what punishments await us?" They had their own views of the hunt

In 1389, John of Hesse supposedly visit ed the same river that Moses led the Children of Israel out of and claimed that after sunset, you could see the beautiful unicorn clean the river of impurities and detoxified other sub stances.

The unicorns horn was also said to have been a cure to sick human bodies. If a person had any disease or illness, the unicorn could put its horn over the persons body and he\she would be cured. The unicorn has been one of the most fascinating animals ever to be found in a leg end. It would be nice if Mr.Pastore would only let me believe it exists!

Luisa Meyerman Have you ever asked yourself the sim plest questions?: Why do spiders float? Why does the road sometimes seem wet when it's really not? What would happen if your body was made of steel? Why do people go bald? Why is there CNN? and Why did they paint the cafeteria orange? (just checking if you were paying attention on those last two) and sometimes failed to find the answer? So what

if you are a super genius, the only way to ac quire knowledge is by asking questions, ya,ya, I might sound like your mother,but so what it is the truth and nothing but the truth "Not guilty your honor", wait, Fm riding off the subject. Back to reality, or this article anyway, I bet you have found yourself in some similar situation, and if you haven't (Ben, Kevin, Jamie) you can just read the ar ticle for amusement

Did you ever wish your body was made of steel for greater resistance? Or even fanta size about it like Mr. Pastore? Well, 1912 Nobel Medicine Price winner, Dr. Alexis Carrel, stated that although steel is a very strong metal, it is inert. So if the human body was composed of the previous metal, after a long dynamic period of 65 years, it would collapse.

How was that? Wasn't that fascinating?

Hey, 0 thought so and that's what counts, OK!!! As you drive (or in your case FRESH MEN, are driven,) along a high way or road,

have you noticed that sometimes it seems wet, when it's actually drv? Well, this is very simple. The reason for the previous illusion is because the sun is hitting so hard, that the sheet of air immediate to the asphalt creates an inverted double image that is similar to

the reflex of water. This effect is also seen at the deserts, and it is mentioned by Muham mad in the Koran. Did you ever try to drown a spider? (OK, well, I have), If you have, did it float? If it

did, did you wonder rafotfl? If it didn't float, then stop reading this paragraph, Just Kid ding. The reason why some spiders are able to swim/float is because, their body contains permeable oil which allows them to swim through the water, and if they are light enough, they might float Hey, you Rogaine Man, I know you are out there, somewhere. Did you ever ask

yourself why people go bald, if you did, you probably did some research on it and if you didn't research, here is a brief description on WHY some People go bald. As years go by , in the capillaries that feed the root of the hair some oily or greasy substances may interrupt the blood flow. Therefore the hair is weak ened , and after a while it is off your head. The reason why this "balding" is more com mon in men than in than in women is be cause the hormones influence the process. Did you know it is impossible to get a "cold" in the South Pole?. Well, if you didn't, I shall tell you WHY. If you do know, go ahead and keep devouring more books and stop reading this article!!! (sike).The rea son is actually very simple, and a tad obvi ous: The temperature in the South Pole can be as low and even lower than 80 degrees Celsius. This temperature is so low that no microorganisms can survive, not even "flu" type viruses, therefore it is impossible to get a cold. Well, that brings me to the end of the ar ticle, I hope you enjoyed it. And if you ever ask yourself \ÂŁ5CK? I DbocflS to be so perfect? Keep asking yourself, because my modesty doesn't allow me to answer it

UINIT yeah/ I almost forgot, we also accept

grown ups with child's exclusive permission Kyung the great

"... Presently we are having some techni cal difficulty. We are expecting only a short delay: Those who wish to wait, please keep your arms behindthegate. Again, we are ex pecting onlya short delay. We apologize for the unexpectedscene... For those who haw justarrived, presently we are ha\ing a minor technical difficulty..." the voice of a stranger rung out through the speaker. Disap

pointed sighs. The twinge of annoyance. A few escaped curses. Few tourists decide to slip away, taking small hesitant steps and and doubtful look-backs. I stayed. A short delay, the voice assured. I waited this long, why not just a short moment? Ten minutes tick by. The confident smile fades, and nervous finger tapping begins. Then came the same voice booming again. I glanced up with bursting hope and glee. Can we get on now?

" We are a minor technical difficulty (what?) the time ofthe delayis unknown. All

thepeople in the waiting area, please clear the rows. Again, clear the waiting area. W? apologize for the slight annoyance. Please visit us again." It was a blow. Traitor! How could you? We walked numbly out ofthe station. Didn't this happen yesterday also? My brother cocked his head. Yes there was that devastat ing incident

Location: Magic Kingdom. Space Moun tain was the ride. So many people! So dark. Only the skin-shivering distant screams that faded through the darkness, followed by the greenish glowing long object (see, look up

there!) that squiggled through the air. God, what am I doing here? The tormented screams never ceased to end, and the confu

sion of dark ceiling and thousands of starwant-to-be light bulbs clinging to it, only seemed so real. The sight of the six connect ed rows of single-seated, waist up free roll ing object made me uneasy. I didn't know what was to come. Until then was excite ment

Our turn, finally. I slid into the fifth row and lowered the securer to my lap. We were off. Go straight, turn left, then stop for the words of "please teepyour hands and arms inside the vehicle. This is only a security routine... Nowyou are ready to launch," then we were suppose to rear to the right sharply for a dead drop. I clasped my hand tightly on the handles and waited for the move. One more roll and.... "please keep ... nowyou are ready.... please keep... ready to launch... launch... launch.... "the voice kept repeating the pro cedure. Fifth time, the tenth... What's going on? We stupidly looked around for hanging out arms. First I was merely nervous, but now my heart seemed to devour itself. Never have I been tortured. We were practically dangling on the edge. " we arehamig a minor technical diffi culty, please remain quite for.... " those dreaded words. An elderly men peered into the mys teriously lighted tunnel through the side opening. Grin, slight wave, and the hearty "how are you all doing?" We answered with

groans. Suddenly I found a security men be side us. "Just wait a sec guys. A women lost her sunglass during the ride. I keep telling them to never place it on their hair, but (click tongue) they just never listen! (I-told-you-so


My brother began to count backwards outloud while the elderly kids in the first two rows started the Looney Toon song. I'll just say that we finally got to ride Space Mountain. So much bumping, rearing, and deadly close rails above our heads. I'm not sure if it was worth the wait, but it was pretty fun, though. Anyway, coming back to the first ride in Busch Gardens, I thought, an omen! There was another case of the techni cal difficulty in Epcot Center, but it isn't worth the drag. Disney: Magic Kingdom, market place, Pleasure Island, Planet Hollywood, Epcot Center, Disney stores, amusement shows, various restaurants, and so on. Other than the Mickey world, there's the famous Universal Studios, the tail flipping and water soaking Sea World, and last but not least, Busch Gar dens (We didn't have the chance to look ar ound MGM studio nor other stuff). Most of you guys are probably familiar with these places in Orlando. For me, it was six days of interminable walking. During the day, no problem. I'm too busy turning my head in every possible direction ceaselessly in attempt to take in as much as possible, walking toward the next attraction, while balancing my ice cream cone or muffled by popcorn (thinking about it, since my brother and I hung around separately with our parents and they didn't give us any spare money, it should be quite impossible to obtain such proportion of food as I bluffed. The choice was: stick with ma + dad, with the guarantee of secure food, but dragging time or stick with bro, no food, but not a minute wasted to go through the de sired attraction .â&#x2122;Śâ&#x2122;Ś he, no we, preferred to be independent from the guide, anyway). The best two rides I witnessed were first the "T2" (Terminator 2) in Universal Studio and second, the great "Mantu" in Busch Gar dens. T2 is a 3-D movie spectacle that's (briefly) about the war between the humans

and cybernets (which was thought to be pre vented as shown in the movie Terminator 2' finished with the suicidal sacrifice of the metal+wire hero, played by Arnold) begins and John and his gutsy mother try to stop it (again). The liquid guy was hired also in the typical cop uniform only to run after the mo torcycle then be blown off on the floor in mega-pieces by the typical terminator laser gun.

Mantu is a newly built dark blue+yellow roller coaster that is known to be the longest, highest, and most dangerous ride in the world. It's simply the best. Other rides are bumpy and screeching, a characteristic that makes the person uneasy and nervous. How ever Mantu was none of that. The eight by four seats with no floor pads so that your feet dangled freely underneath, was attached in the top rail. It glides smoothly and no bumps are noticeable. It's none scary. It only brings you an awesome sensation all through. The second-best two attractions were "Honey, I shrunk the audience," and "Alien attack! Extra terrestrials." You all most prob ably know these. In the first one, the audi ence, which is us, somehow ends up being shot by the shrinking machine and fall into the pickle of being blown tiny and a little kid picks us up and swing us around, a pet snake slithers over and poke his fangs into us, then a giant dog sneeze upon us through the cur tain. Yuk! This is all done in 3D, accompa nied by the skippering of thousand of white rats through our leg and the sprinkle of water for the gushy sneeze. The Alien scene is frightening because it's pitch dark, and you have no dang idea what's gonna happen. It's creepy.

Well that's all I have to say about that If any of you plan to drop by Orlando sooner or

later, also don't miss the "Ellen's Time Travel." The designer was clever to make the six sets of ten by ten seats all move around from room to room. Blaming my limited short-term memory, I can't think of any else. I guess it's just important to enjoy to the maximum. Oh and one more thing, don't let your mind wander off to expect too much. How rotten to be disappointed on your vaca tion (personal experience).


The cold wind blew some loose strands of hair into my face as I looked up and ar ound me. It was the last field hockey game of the season, and the winning team would go to the FCIAC semi-finals,

I took a long breath as I looked to the Scoreboard and saw the big red letters, glar ing at me like sirens of warning. We were down, 3-4, and as of now it seemed as though Darien was on its way to victory. I reasserted my position as right-wing mid fielder and dug my cleats into the hard, packed soil. In the distance I could see the boys's football team practicing, going through drills and plays. But, all other thoughts fled my mind as I began to concen trate and scrutinize over what would be our teams next move.

Our coach had laid down our strategy very simply; Dana, our forward, would pass back to Jaime, who would then play the ball up field and (hopefully) into the goal. I let my gaze wander for a second along the bleachers, crowded with parents and stud ents, as I shifted my stick nervously back and forth between my hands. I thought to my self, 'Thank God the spotlight won't be on me; I'd probably mess up one of the most important games of the season." Two seconds later I heard the clear, shrill blast of the whistle break through the silence and the crack of the stick against the ball as Dana drove it forward. I ran up along the sidelines, just in case, in order to be alert if we had to make a quick change in plans. All of a sudden, I saw a player from the opposite team step in front of Dana and inter cept her pass to Jaime. The girl had maneu vered the ball into the center and out onto the sidelines, preparing to make a push pass to

the player farthest towards the right. To my surprise, she missed the pass and the next thing I knew the ball was heading straight to

wards ... ME!

I felt as though my heart was ready to burst out of the iron grip of my lungs that were struggling to hold it back. Bringing down my stick with full force, I now realized the ball was in my possession, and every thing now depended on my next move. I felt the adrenaline race up within me

and pulse through every fiber of my being as I steered the ball towards the goal post. Eve rything and everyone around me became a blur, as my mind and body focused on the constant "crisscross, crisscross" as I "Indian" dribbled up field. Then came the final moment as I entered into the center circle; this was it, now or nev er. Behind me I heard my friend and team mate Kylie scream, "Drive it Alii, c'mon, JUST DRIVE IT!!", and that I did. Every muscle in my body tensed as I pulled back and gave it all I had with every ounce of physical and inner strength I possessed. I closed my eyes; silence, and then the scream ing as I was surrounded by my teammates in a group hug. A wave of relief and then satisfaction flooded over me as I saw the score board which now read Greenwich-4, Darien-4. I felt the sun, warm and friendly on my face and let the excitement of what had just hap pened soak into my soul. Although I didn't score the winning goal (yes, we made it, 54!), I had certainly gained a new respect and confidence that day; as an athlete, a player, and a person, not only for myself, but from my team as well.

Ben Baldizon

Before you read this article, there are a few things that you should know. First, I was rushed for time to come up with a subject

for the article. In this desperate state, I appealed to my friends for ideas, and one of

them came up with a survey. This struck me as a particularly good idea. Now all I needed was a question. I once again asked for ideas,

They came up with several that were immediately rejected but finally Kevin (my brother) suggested, "Do you prefer your toilet paper to come form the top of the roll, the bottom of the roll, or do you even care?" I wasn't too thrilled by the prospect of writing an article on toilet paper but everyone loved the idea and, let's face it people, they're the ones buying the magazine so I decided to give them what they wanted. That established, please send all complaints to my friends, who will remain anonymous for their safety. Toilet paperâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;an invaluable commodity in today's world. I mean, there are other sources you could use instead but wouldn't you all prefer to just have a nice clean roll of toilet paper instead of a grimy old newspaper or, even worse, a bunch of leaves from some nearby tree. Now the question I asked the school was, "How do you prefer you toilet paper?" The results to this survey, while most certainly not astounding, provide us with a deeper look at peoples lives, their preferences, and the reason for these preferences. Who knows? Maybe some day a new field of psychology will open specifically to see how people prefer their toilet paper. And maybe not. either way, I am here to inform you so you will now be informed. The result of this survey are:

Out of a total of 25 people:

Eight people preferred their toilet paper to

come from the top of the roll, nine people prefer their toilet paper to come from the bottom of the roll, and eight people didn't really care one way or the other.

And the winners seem to be those who prefer their paper from the bottom. I'm sure you could have come to that conclusion

yourself, but why make you think when we

can do it for you? Now we shall hear some of the reasons behind these answers.


"It makes life a lot easier and then you can do your homework faster." -Anonymous Sophomore"Because it is more relaxing." -Anonymous Teacher-

"I like to pull it up and across so it's easier to tear." -Anonymous Sophomore-


"Because you can tear it off easier if it's the

one with ridges."

-Anonymous Sophomore"Because it's cool." -Anonymous Junior-

"Because you're down anyway so it's easier to pull down." Anonymous Sophomore"It's easier for my hand to pull down than to strain my muscles pulling over." -Anonymous Teacher-

Who Cores!?

Their comments can be neatly summed up with 4 words, "What a stupid question!"




Psycho Spanky

WARNING: The content of this article,

must be seen as a joke. Answers are more in a non-realistic point of view, and although they seem to be very sarcastic they are all part of the fun involved when writing this ar ticle. Don't worry ladies, yon will get your revenge.

There have to be many things involved in order for a relationship to work. One of those important things is understanding. The truth is, although it seems like us men at Colegio Maya, know a lot about women, we really don't understand them at alh In a very recent survey (conducted by myself), most of the men at Colegio Maya showed that they agree with the fact that women are almost impossi ble to understand. They also agreed that

but Markus and Sergio?! Oh no , not two of our "sweetest5* students! I think we now know what they care about. "No! I guess! Because they are freaks, but they are cool too, and they also make me happy".

-Jorge Cortez

Wait a minute! Does this guy has any personality problems? I think you should de cide yourself. Whenever you are going to say something of this magnitude, think before saying it. As you can see, here we have the "MACHO" wanna be group from Colegio Maya, but not everybody is like this. We also

women are so complicated that the only thing you can do is to love them, and try to com prehend their emotions. Now, lets analyze the answers to the question: "Do yon Under stand women?99:

have the people that don't know what we ask them about, or that have no answer to the question.Let's check them:

"NO! They are too complicated, jealous, dramatic, and they also bother us too much. But we need them for..." -Sergio Cortez and Markus Holla

"No! because Vm a pig like most men, ac cording to my therapist. And because Vm more into Hamsters than women. Besides If you don't like them (hamsters) you canflush them down the toilet". -Tom&s Lin

Are these guys crazy or what? Maybe that's an answer that Mr. Berke will give us,

Hey man you better start forgetting about

the hamsters, because they won't give you any "sssssssssociaT satisfaction (if you know what I mean). Just Kidding. The truth is that, believe me, women have more brains than anything in the world, so you better stop saying that. And remember what they say: "You can't live with them, but you can't live without them". "No! Well, actually some yes, some no. It de pends on the lady". â&#x20AC;˘Mr. Smith

That's is supposed to be the answer of one of the girls favorite teachers, and that's the only thing he says. That shows the truth in Mr. Pastore's statement "that's the typical Mr. Smith answer... no substance whatsoev er." Actually, this is reflected every day in Mr. Smith's behavior. The bad jokes in class, the gestures he makes when dictating the vo cabulary list for history, everything. But at the same time these are the things that makes him one of our favorite teachers (Although we all now realize that he is a kid in a grown up body).

"No! Actually sometimes. Once you get to know them theyjump off the deep end." -Anonymous This guy got so ashamed of what he said, that when we told him that we were actually going to publish this, he didn't want his name on it

After reading this, I hope you ladies have an idea of the kind of students (and teachers) we have here. But don't let your mind trick you, because the best and most honest an swers are coming up next. Please keep on reading, these are the serious ones. "NO! because what they do makes no sense.'9 -Gus Well that seems very honest to me. At least he said what he thinks.

"NO! not really. Well actually you can, but

it fs too hard to understand them." -Joe Tally

I guess this is the most sincere answer we have so far. It is also the one that best de scribes the situation. At the end you will al ways end up understanding them but it takes a long time, and it's hard. "No way! Because they are all weird." -Javier Lacayo

That's also true, but it wouldn't be bad to give it a shot and try to make their weirdness

your best subject

"Although I don 9t understand them, I have it very clear that they are the best thing you can think of, and also the most beautiful ones.


I told you, that the best was just coming, and that there were some nice and sweet an swers.

Well that's it. The results are very clear, and although not everybody was asked, the most common answer was no.

"/ think that women are understandable, it just takes time and patience. When you really get to know them, they are everything for you. I think that they are the essence of life and although they are complicated, they are simply the best Aren V they guys? " -Edgardo Pabon

Maybe you are thinking that this is my answer, and that it was written in order to apologize for some of the things written in this article. The truth is that I know that this is what most men think in the world, (maybe because I'm one of them) it's just that to day's society doesn't "accept" that as an an swer from a respectable man. Women also have a lot to do with this, because they are liberating themselves, and leaving us behind. Good for you. See you later in this magazine, and re member guys women are the best thing there is in this school.

Paul O'Sullivan

Hello fellow Colegio Maya Students! Welcome to another bright and abundant year of learning great and glorious things for our up and coming life (well, not really)! Well, it's that time of year where I go around campus with a intellect tricker of a question and ask you, the students here at Colegio Maya to answer it as contemplatively or as stupidly as possible- Ain't it a grand world out there? Yes it is! OK, is everybody ready out there? Do you have your thinking caps on? No?! Well, it doesn't really matter be cause this question doesn't take a rocket sci entist to figure out specially because there is no real answer. All right, her it is, this mod ern marvel of monstrosity, the first Q/eftiŠit jreinhell!, This question took me a whole four hours to think up I put a lot of time and brain power to do it OK, 1*11 give it to you bluntly.


Why? You ask? Well, that's why sillybilly gumdrops. There you go. This is a total ly brilliant, inconceivable, astounding, not to mention absurd, and yet so pointless of a question! I personally think this question is perfect for the bright, intelligent intellectual, (well, most of Aem) fine young scholars here at Colegio Maya. Some of the answers I got were so totally ludicrous and some of the an swers I got were incredibly amazing, but only some. While reading the responses I am in boldface and the questionnaires are in the regular font. WHY?

Jamie Brown: Why not?

Susan Sperry: Why what? WHY? just WHY? (silence) (extended period of silence) I don't know! (Mindless laughter) Luisa Meyerman: Because... we... are... all... aliens... from... planet... um... (silence)...Jupiter

Gustavo Andrade: (laughing) Why? WHY? Why? WHY? Why what? (more laughter) Because all the food in the cafeteria


Kyung Ro: Don't ask... (laughs) because

you're ugly.

Giancarlo Valle: Why what? Why? (silence) I know what you're doing! I know where you live! You (censored), and as for your... just kidding, did I hurt your feelings? Markus Holla: Why why? why what? What the... are you talking about? I am talking about why?! OK, what the (beep) question is that?! I'm leaving!

Mr. Jonathan Berke, Science teacher: Why what? Is that the question?? Yes. Why do you ask me such questions? why do you stretch my mind? Why what? Why, (brief pause) is science? (proceeds to nearest door and departs rapidly. Wonder why?) Miguel Turner. Because I said so. (rushes to library with video camera).

Albert Delgado: Why what? Why, just why? why?!!! Because I said so!(deja vu) x,y,z! (huh)

Christina Miller: Because I say sooo? (extended period of thoughtful silence) what's the question? and why do you want to know? oh, oh because urn,., this guy came over one night and we decided to go to the strawberry fantasy thing, oh and caramel and

hot chocolate, oh the wax, the wax too! After our exchange of sweet verbs we decided to take a dip in the bubbling chocolate whip cream hot tub, like cappuccino! Bat why?! That's the question! "Cause we were hun gry! The real question is, who is the guy? Ben (the bold): X! Mr. Connolly, Internet Focus teacher: Why... why what? Why? silence... why? yup! (silence)... there has to be something that precedes that or that follow is, why is the world round? why do computers have virus es? you know?

Well it's surprising that the most com mon answer from all the questioners was "why not?" and "Because I said so." , Oh well. It's easy to see that this time around CM students really didn't open their minds this time around. But, as I said, oh well.Ob-

viously these people don't have the imagina tion to come up with these questions like me. Each Pulse will have a new Q/efjfan jreip hell

and on every Pulse a lucky student will win an award for ingenuity and imagination. Now, don't get your hopes up, (I doubt you even care) all you get is your name in big print in the magazine. This quarter's award goes to:


Congratulations!!!! Although it's not much, well, it's something.



A pear is not a pair, nor is a pair a pear, unless a pear is half a pair of pears, in which case the pear, half a pair of pears, might be a

pear of pairs, but not a pair of pears, unless

the pear is a pear of pairs, in which case half a pear a pear but half a pear is not a pair, it's a pear of a pair.

Gertrud: What kind of music does a police

man like? Ninbo: I don't know. Gertrud: Criminal records.

Staffer: Why is it hard for a lady bug to hide? Laniton I'll bite Staffer Because she is always seen. Freejoles: anyone here quick at picking up instruments? Ghwandiffuderia: We are Sir. Freejoles: Great, you two move that piano!

Jude-luderville: Why did the watch get kicked out of class? Crat-jin-throb: Why is that. Jude-luderville: because it was tick-talking. Said a carpenter to his assistant, " Dawitcanooseeeyeoteyeoutullaails? ". What was he trying to say? "Damn it, can't you see I've got my mouth full of nails?"

Add np the numbers by reading each new total aloud, like this: One thousand, one thousand ten, two thousand thirty, etc. Do not add by totaling the individual col umns in the usual way. 1000 10 1020 10 1030 10 1010 10 You Should get 5000

Q/effjŠq jreif* hell

What is bctor, dogs or cats?

WHY? Paul O'Sullivan

Well, well, well, This time around there is going to be a question that actually makes sense. Well, . . . sort of. Actually, oh. . . never mind. OK now, if you actually read the first pages of this issue of the Maya Pulse* this article may be familiar to you. That's for the two percent of the people that actually read page for page. The first article of this ongoing series contained the mindboggling question, Why?. The main dif ference in this article is that the questions an swers will be almost all opinions. Unless an yone actually takes the time to analyze it and compute the answers, nah that would never

some reason disagree with the answer then you have the right to do... nothing. Tough luck!! For future reference when I happened to enter peoples responses the type is in bold. Thank yon.

O.K. dogs or cats, which is better and WHY?

Alex Petricevic: "Dogs or cats? yeah. Dogs .. .why? Cause I can beat the crap out of lit tle cats. Cats are weak.(Insane grin and glint in his eye-)

happen. Now the dog lovers of Colegio Maya I call you to unite! Just as the cat lovers band together into one! I expected

Mariana Raskosky: like cats."

myself am a newt lover. Those little lizards

Mary Joe Lent: fluffier/'

gedy ever since Nerbal the third grade class gerbildied. I think he died of a tumor. Oh, I

Miguel Turner: "Dogs man, cat's are ugly!"

some pretty heated responses and fiery argu ments but that's showbiz baby! Anyways, I

are sooo cute! Although I have been in tra

can't go on,....

(A minute of silence for poor old Nerbal) I suppose your not here to hear MY trou bles. That's ok, I'm fine don't worry about little old me. In this article I have revived the classic question of dogs and cats with a little help from Mr Pastore*. Now since this is probably the last question from hell article I'm going to expand the number of responses ( your welcome, I know you love me!). Oh, and everybody remember about the best most creative coolest just all around good response prize. If you recall last page's winner was Christina Miller from Tenth grade. (Yay Sophomore!!). At the end the response the answers will all be tallied up and you can see what really is better, dogs or cats. If you for

"Dogs because I don't

"Cat's because they are

Oscar Sparrow: "Dogs cause cat's do noth ing but sit around the house and do nothing."

Maggie Rhodes: "Dogs because Maria* says so! (laughing) Kevin Swartz: "Dogs, why? oh, cause they're manly, they're strong and stuff."

Dan Luna: (censored).

"Dogs better cause cats are for

Su-Han Park: "I like dogs, no actually cats, cause they're more females than males."

Valerio DeMeo: "Cats cause they represent (censored)." Debra Walsh:

"I like dogs cause you feel

like you can talk to them- They have a pow er within, they have their own AURA. Good feeling"

NOTE: Due to mechanical errors the first question from hell article is included in front Hey! Double the fun, Allright!!!

Jorge Cortez: "Cats because you can pet them. Dogs, . . . you can't pet them and if you uh. . . throw them they go like this (makes odd gestures and starts screeching. Starts purring and growling like a cat. (I can't tell.)).

*Great magazine definitely worth the five Q's. (That's cheaper than a lunch everyone! We are quite the bargainers here at the Pulse速 headquarters.)

Magnus Franklin: "Dogs cause they are um. .. uh... like They're ya know,... um ... (laugh) (very looooong pause) They are, um... mmmore friendly."

Jemi Yang: "Dogs because I don't like cats, (laughing) Is that it? yup.

Maria Koch: "Dog's because they are a lot more playful... I guess." Alex Fortman: smaller."

" Cats because they are

Javier Lacayo: "Cats because they are. . . fluffy. He he fluffy and furry, he he he!"

Carolina Mejia: "Dogs because I don't like cats." Well,... as you can see there are many innovative answers and many um. . . good answers. I was just being polite many an swers were just dumb. Oh well what do you expect? It's plain that you can see dogs ac cording to these select few students reign su preme here at Maya. Maybe next year cat lovers. Here's the tally,

Dogs: 11 Cats:6 It was almost a total landslide in the dog's favor but oh well, that's how it goes. Oh and before I forget the Best coolest neatest just hot diggity dog good answer award goes this time to a junior! Her name

is Debra Walsh!

Good job and give yourself a pat on the


**Due to the tyranny of Mr. Pastore (and

his masters) this article and many others

could have been a lot funnier. I mean a lot funnier!! This may not be America but the first amendment still applies here, I hope. Thank you for reading. It's been a pleas ure, likewise I'm sure. I leave YOU the captivated audience with a popular African phrase, "Nkrma bantu nertimukr mertimer thigpop up up, thacow,... heifer ooohhh!" This phrase means Do not intersect your path more than twice cause you will be bored, cows are good, ooohhh! Thank you for your time now i leave you with a popular Polish phrase, "Psaouii mi Boushka. Pasouii mi nako! Boingeewheeee!" Thank you for your cooperation now I leave you with a popular Hungarian phrase, "Yadolaywheehooooooo.hoo hooeiii whehah!" Thank you for putting up with this nonsense now my last phrase a typical cow boy household phrase, "Yeeeehah giddy up little doggys fore I git me my dog walloping gitar!. Thelma where's the beef!!??" Arriveaderci or sumpin like that! To join the


send one hundred quetzales in small un marked bills to Paul O'Sullivan 10b. In re turn you will receive a annual newsletter, a sticker, a shirt and a poster of the staff. Isn't that neat!!.

If you are still here you have no life.

ucria A Great

Edgardo Pabon

Los Enanitos Verdes (The Green Dwarfs) have been out of the music market for quite a long time. They have disappeared since Big Bang, their last album and debut to the world of alternative Spanish music. The members of the Argentinean band are: Marciano Cantero: singer, bass, and key board Felipe Saiti: guitar Daniel Piccolo: drums.

"Guerra Gaucha" CGauchan War" X marks the return of the "Enanitos Verdes". It has been a year and a half since their last CD appeared, and this new one promises to be superior than its predecessor. Almost all the songs in the CD are com posed by either Marciano Cantero or/and Fe lipe Saiti. The disk has basically two main themes: the first is life and love, and the sec ond, social and the economic problems in Latin American countries. It's composed of 15 songs, one of them not composed by any member of the group but by Charlie Garcia, another Spanish singer. By the time of this writing, the album was only one month old and already had two songs ("Dale Pascual", and "Eterna Soledad") playing on the radio and taken the first places on the popularity charts of Latin American radio stations. The disk starts with the song that gives name to the album "Guerra Gaucha" (lyrics and music by Felipe Saiti), which talks about the social problems of a certain country and summarizes that if these problems don't find a solution soon, it will bring chaos and revo lution. The next song, the first one the band started promoting, is about the thoughts of a

man who doesn't like his life and the place where he is living. He tries to find a way of running away from it, but it seems impossi ble since the little things he likes seem to be more important than all of those large things that he dislikes, and that is driving him crazy. The song is called "Dale Pascual" ("Push it Pascual" , lyrics by Saiti, and music by Marciano Cantero). It's rhythm, theme and voice makes it one of the best songs of the

album. El Dia Es Claro" ("It's a Clear Day", lyrics by Cantero, and music by both Cantero and Saiti), is a song that describes the liberty a man feels when he realizes that he doesn't love the woman he once loved He also says what he hates about the situation he was liv ing and how he has now to decide what will happen with his life. On the song "Ella" ("Her" ), we have the participation of one of the best singers of this genre, the lead singer for one of the best and popular groups, Cafe Tacuba: Cosme. Cosme provides a duet with Cantero to pro duce a very fine piece of work, and a very nice song. By the way, it was written by Sai ti. The fifth song of the record, written by Saiti and Cantero, is called "Ldgrimas En Calcutta" ("Tears in Calcuta"). It talks about a man that wants to make a woman to forget about her last love, and he promises her that he will make all the tears in her heart disap pear.

"No Te Sobra Una Moneda" ("Do You Have an Extra Coin?"), is the only song written by an outsider, Charly Garcia. And believe me, you don't want to listen to this song. It has no theme, it is just a bunch of

phrases and sentences placed together. I don't know exactly why the band even decid ed to include this atrocity on this CD.

The best song of this disk is"Eterna Soledad" ("Eternal Solitude" , lyrics by Can

tero, and music by Saiti). It reflects the feel ings of a man when he is dumped and is left by himself in the house in which he has spent his entire life with the woman he loves. The

music is very slow and the combination with the lyrics is the album's best. "El Pats Del No Dormir " ("The No-Sleep Country "; lyrics and music by Felipe Saiti) shows Argen tinean flavor and has kind of Tango as the back ground mu sic. In fact, every time a person hears this song, they ask if the group is from Argenti na because of this back ground. The song is about a man who got

jumped in the street and whose girlfriend was kidnapped. It talks about what happened when the police came, and when the man woke up and realized what had happened. The following song describes the way a man feels after his girlfriend leaves him and how he can't figure his mistake. Written by Saiti, with the music by Cantero, the song "Fuiste" ("It was You") is exactly like its' title, a total confusion! "El Delftn" or "The Dolphin", is the story of many of us here at Colegio Maya. Out of our homeland and thinking that we will be better off when we go back. But the

sad reality is that we have spent so much time out of our respective countries, that when we go back we don't adjust to the country, and we realize that there is nowhere we belong to. Lyrics by Cantero, and music

by Saiti.

Song number eleven of the recording is called "Heroes al Fin" ("Heroes at Last"). It was written by Felipe Saiti, and the music is by Marciano Cantero. The song explains how life is, and how

we all were bom for something on Earth. The only difference is that the labor of some is clearer than the labor of others. "Estoy en el Infierno" ("Vm in Hell", lyrics by Saiti, and music by Daniel Piccolo) is the only song in the disk in which the drummer


of the group partici pated as a compos er/ "Salpicdndonos" talks about the mo ment when love is finally found after a long absence. The song is by Felipe Saiti, and it's a very good song, even though it's not yet

The next song is called "Kumbalenque", (lyrics by Saiti, and music by both Saiti and Cantero). As its name shows, it is a different song with a strong Caribbean influence, showing the group's great talent and the var iety in it's taste in music. The last song explains when a man is dumped by his girlfriend, but the weird thing is that although he says he enjoyed it, and that he loves her, he doesn't want to go back with her. The song is called "Caretas Sin Alma" ("Masks Without Soul" , lyrics by Cantero, and music by both Cantero, and Saiti.)

(fou needed to know about life and mone. u/ttt not neatty* Paul O' Sullivan

This article will give you all the information about cheat ing, parents, sciences, finance,

8. A picture of your uncles tat too.

9. Your parent's old love let

etc. Now, this article was made mostly from the famed


10. When all else fails, your invisible friend.

book Bart Simpson's Guide to life. I really enjoyed this book and so did many of my friends so I hope you enjoy this article

Annoying questions to ask your teacher

as much as I do. Sometimes I will take actual quotes from the book and from the man Bart himself. This book is Copywrighted 1993 Matt Groening productions inc.

DISCLAIMER: This article and book has been created solely for entertainment rea sons. Bart and I take no claim in your pun ishment. However, Bart and I take full re sponsibility for improvement in your own life, commencing with the purchase of this article. Enjoy!! O.k. here we go!

School Last minute show and tell ideas. Around die house: 1. Scars (Make up a good story) 2. Grannys dentures. 3. Potato Chips in the shape of famous peo ple. (Richard Nixon is a surefire crowd pleaser.)

4. Stitches. (Explain how they got there. Be creative!) 5. Your dad's toupee. 6. Your dad's rifle.

7. Your dad's size xxxl underwear. (For xxxl laughs!)

1. Can I go to the tinkle dinkle ha ha room? 2. Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed today? 3. Do amoebas feel love? 4. Why do dogs sniff our butt? 5. How's the diet going? and the ultimate question, 6. Is any of this information pertinent to real life?

pencil. With one hand signal the number and

with the other hand use the pencil to signal. Point up for true and point side-ways for false. If you realize neither of you know the answer break the pencil in half and bury your head in shame. If you are going to try it alone I'd sure you have all heard of these. Crib-sheets and Cheat sheets. There you go that's all you re ally need. If you don't have the time to make those follow these discreet maneuvers. Pencil drop: Drop your pencil or paper and take a discreet peek At your neighbor's paper.

A trip to the sharpener Use this valuable time to pick up answers you can't get from the dummies surrounding your desk. NOTE: This material is being given out solely for entertainment reasons. But, if you want to try good luck!!

Fun Food Facts

1. Raw bacon makes a great face mask. 2. Asparagus

turns your pee

A handy dandy guide to cheating When the pop quiz pops up or you just realized that the history test is today, what do you do? You refer to this handy dandy guide to cheating provided by the master Bart Simpson. Just practice these techniques and you'll be getting c's instead of f s in no time! Seating: As in real estate the three most important words are location,

location.location! Obviously, don't sit near the teacher. Use cover, sit behind someone with big hair and don't sit near any snitches. Try to sit next to someone that's cool and doesn't mind handing over answers. Using signals: Work these out before class with a friend and you should be good to go. If it's a true or false test all you need is a

bright yellow. 3. Bubble gum contains rubber. 4. Peanuts are actually legumes and an almond is a fruit. 5. One variety

of onion in an cient Egypt was

worshipped as a god. 6. Turkey leads the world in cereal con sumption. 7. Coke can clean grungy money! 8. The tomato is native to Peru. 9. Manrara is a raw dish served in Sudan

and contains urine and bile as flavoring in gredients.

body is about two thirds water. 3. The real name for the funny bone is the humerus. 4. The longest hair ever belonged to Swami Pandarasanndhi, an Indian monk. It was 26 feet long. Cool things to be when you grow up

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Ice cream taste tester Vampire Billionaire Secret agent Trillionaire

Things not to be when yon grow up 1. Street mime 2. Janitor at an adult movie theater 3. A clone of your parents

More food fun, Beware! The follow ing harmless but appetizing names of food are actually a disguise of hideous foods. Don't be fooled by their se ductive nicknames!! 1. Tripe-Ox stomach

2. Sweet breads- Pancreus or thymus glands of a calf/ 3. Variety meats-Visceral or gans

4. Melt-Spleen 5. Headcheese- A loaf ofjellied meats in cluding pig heads and hog feet

4. Republican 5. Leech farmer Lies your parents tell you


6. Lights-Lungs 7. Praire oystersHorse or bull tes ticles

Bonus body

fun facts!!

1. The human body contains 3,000,000 sweat

The human

L 2. 3. 4. 5.

Someday you'll thank me. I'm only gonna say this once. You'll be sony. You will understand when you are older. I'm only doing this for your own good. O.k. obviously this is not the whole book but it's good enough. If you want more buy the book! Remember this is only for enter tainment uses, so don't go do anything bad or nothing. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I Hum


THE TOADIES? Sebastian Strzalkowski

The Toadies are:

Todd Louis Lisa Umbarger Darrel Herbert Mark Reznicek Todd's father was a southern Baptist preacher, so Todd was a little religious boy


Ok, on to the next paragraph...

The Fort Woth based band didn't do so well at first, but when they released their al

bum, they made it big in the music industry. Where do they get their monster grooves that break the line between chugging *70 metal and post punk, such as Mister Love? "Teen anger." is their response.

who went to church all the time. He wasn't

The band is calm and relaxed compared

allowed to listen to the radio until he was 13. His parents told him Rock n'

to the psychopaths that inhabit their songs. A lot of their songs also have Chris-

Roll was Satan's music. Todd's





parents believed that if you wer-

"Backslider", a song about a being

en't miserable, you were screw

brought up by a Christian Baptist

ing off, so Todd decided he was

At one concert the Toadies had in

going to screw off.

Florida, almost all their fans were

The Toadies were formed in

dressed up in black and had fake

1990 when Todd Louis met lisa

fangs supporting the Toadies' first

Umbarger when he was working

hit song, Dead in the Water. It

at a record store. They decided

1 kind We freaked the band out at

to make a band instead of being cashiers.

first, but as long as the fans don't get back

How did Darrel Herbert and Mark Reznicek

stage and start a vampire groupie, the band

join? There was another girl in the band, but

will be safe.

she left, they came and joined.

Todd is the lead vocal/guitarist, Umbarg

The Toadies have come a long way, they started out pretty slow, but now they're... do

er is the bassist, Darrel is the rhythm guitar

ing better. They're not exactly doing great,

and Mark handles the drums. They do quite a

but they're doing pretty good for a punk

dandy job at it too. The Toadies are not ex actly the greatest band ever to be conceived, but they have a few good hits on their album, "Rubberneck". Hey, if nobody minds, I think

band from Fort Worth, Texas.

pipsickle (just for fun), "Pipsickle!"

Inbal Mazar

I chose to do this article since I was in Mrs.Barrera's class last year and I know that her originality has absolutely no limits* She tries to make learning fun for and always manages to get the best of her students. In

this article, you will get to know the way that Colegio Maya's students write. Your friends who you thought couldn't care less about an ything, seem to care about even flies. The first poems were written by the AP Spanish Literature class. There are mostly odes (a poem that praises an object, thing or person) Some of these poems were made in the shape of the subject I'm sure there was a lot of effort put into them so take your time to read them. And, like the rest of the staff stated, there is so much talent in this school...

(All poems originally in Spanish, translations by Inbal)

La Vida

La vida es un camino largo para recorer, llena de peligros y de felicidad, donde no hay

regreso, donde no hay camino hacia atras. Lo

unico que pueda son recuerdos para seguir


Loretta Luk


Life is long road, full of dangers and happi ness, where there is no road back. All that is left are memories to keep going ahead.

Peria del Dolor

Una perla, dulce ilusion, la esperanza de un beso, el deseo de una rara passion, la busca por un amor, besame dulce veneno,

llevame en el corazon. -Tomas Lin.

Pearl of Pain

A pearl, sweet illusion, the hope of a kiss, the wish of a strange passion, the search for love, kiss me sweet venom carry me in your heart

Oda a la foto.

Foto como una pintura perfecta como una imagen identica. Foto que encierras recuerdos. hermosos y triztes Foto que eres como una imagen viva no nos dejas olvidar buenos momentos Foto como una imagen emocional, que nos hace centir alegres y tristes. Foto la cual ayuda a la pena, que nos hace mas dificil olvidar. Foto: un pedazo de nuestra vida. â&#x20AC;˘Alejandro Valbuena

Ode to the Picture

picture like a perfect painting like an identical image Picture that captures memories beautiful and sad picture that is like a live image that doesn't let us forget good moments picture like an emotional image, that makes us feel happy or sad picture that helps die grief that makes us harder to forget picture a piece of our lives.

Cancion de Primavera Hoy siento en mi alma el florecer de las rosas la juventud que me espera la alegria de la vida.

El brillo de mi luz apenas comienza resplandece tan fuerte

como una nueva estrella.

Caminos con tropiezos encontratre

y levantarme sabre con coraje y valentia. La vida es larga la vida me espera y con alegriapienso vivirla. Aim no ha pasado el verano Aun no llega el invierno. -Loretta Luk

Song of Spring

Today I feel in my soul the blossoming of the roses the youth that awaits me the happiness of my life.

The shine of my light barley begins it shines so bright like a new star. Bumpy roads I will find and I will know how to rise with courage and bravery, life is long life awaits me and with happiness I think of living it. Summer has not passed yet

Winter is not here yet

Mira Mira

piensa en la precencia, que te mira y te mira, que tanto te quiere que te cuida y te cuida Al que no puedes ver pero puedes creer

una luz que te espera al final de este tunnel con omnipotente podery el hambre del querer

-Maria Estrada


Look upwards the presence that sees you and sees you that loves you so much and takes care of you and takes care of you The one that you cant see but you can believe.... A light that awaits you at the end of the tunnel with omnipotent

Oda al sol

Chispa adecuada despampanante, oro entre las estrellas de plata fuego vibrante y carnal enciendes el urnverso con tu luz ardiente me ahogas de pies a cabeza en tu calor y tu presencia despertar al amanecer, con tus rayos extendidos, como dedos hacia mi alma, me acaricias la cara

con la ternura de tu aurora, y me Uenas el dia de claridad y sonrisa al atardecer- un circulo encarnado que se apaga, en las olas del mar -Alison Lugo

Ode to the sun

Outrageous adequate spark, gold among silver stars, vibrant worldly fire, light up the universewith your burning light, you drown me from head to toe, in your heat and your presence. Waking up at dawn

with your rays extended like fingers to my soul, you caress my face

with the tenderness of your dawn you fill my day,

with clarity and smiles, At sunset, a embodied circle that turns out in the waves of the ocean

The next few odes were done by the first language freshmen Spanish class which

seems to have a future in writing poems. Mrs.Banrera seems to be very proud of this class when she handed me these poems. I hope that you can enjoy them as much as she


Oda a la Gota

Siendo tu una gota una melodia con cada gota tu lloras mucho siendo el que desahoga de nuestro dolor. viendo el mundo entero frecuentemente te ries de nuestra desgracia por la gente. por cada gota siempre hay una nota end yen mi!! -Zuleira Chock

Ode to the Drop you being the drop a melody with each note

you cry a lot being the one that releases our pain

seeing the whole world frequently you laugh at our own disgrace at the people at each drop there will always be a note in you and in me.

El Heroe Anonimo No eres famoso Ni tienes dineral Mi heroe grandioso Fulano de Tal.

Fuerte si no eres En manera personal Pero en corazon posees Gran fuerza contra el mat. Todo to carino Rompe mis defensas. Con tantos sacrificios

Siempre recompensas. Credito no pides por todo lo que has hecho y lo que haces siempre es del corazon en to pecho. -Ana Mercado.

My Anonymous Hero

You are not famous nor rich my grand hero

John Doe

You are not strong in a personal matter but in heart you posses great force against evil.

All your love breaks my defenses with many sacrifices always rewarded. You don't ask for credit for all that you have done and what you always do, comes from the heart in your chest.

Oda al Amor.

El amor es algo sensual en la vida es algo que nadie lo puede tocar ni oler. Es una brisa caliente en un lado de tu cuerpo sientes tu corazon saltar.

Asi sopla el amor como la abeja chupando la miel su dulzura sobre el mundo entero. -Zuleira Chock.

Ode to Love

Love is something sensual in life it is something no one can touch or smell. It is a hot breeze on one side of your body you feel your heart jump. That is how love blows like a bee sucking the honey its sweetness over the whole world.

Thanks to Mrs.Barrera's class, we had the pleasure to enjoy these poems that demon strated the talents of our classmates. We hope to be getting more for next quarter.


Whenever Eon J. Byun

Whenever I'm listening to music, I remember how you danced. Whenever I pass by the movies, I remember how much you enjoyed them. Whenever I see raindrops, I remember how you told me stories. Now that you are gone, Whenever or wherever I'm at I remember you.

I tried to tell you Eon J. Byun I tried to tell you, I... have to be at home early. I... have to go. I... have practice. I... have to babysit But what I really wanted to tell you, to tell you was that I love you


Jamie Brown

(I give total credit for the idea of these time user-upers to whoever invented Mad libs) Fill in the the spaces above each Lib BE*

FORE reading the story. Then, as you read the story, use the words you filled in before hand in the story.

Cafeteria Food 1. adjective:

2. name of male teacher. 3. adjective: 4. noun:

5- place: 6. colon

7. noun: ___^____

8. adjective: 9. adjective:

10. verb:

11. adjective: 12. liquid: 13. part of the body:

At Colegio Maya, our cafeteria food is relatively


16. noun:

17. adjective: 18. adjective: 19. verb, past tense:

20. adjective:


entered the cafeteria

and smelled a (3)







mother's back



He decided to try it,

but when he got to the counter, he saw










food he expected. Out







food and began to



to his


among the other (11). teachers






on the floor and he

slipped and fell on his (13) (14L

14. name of female teacher: 15. part of the body:


. came to help him

get back on his (15).

. She

picked up his (16)

. for him

and said, "You (17)_


He looked up at her and saw the look in her

(18) (19)


eyes. .


He knew this was



One day, I (1) 1. verb in past tense:

2. adjective: 3. male person in room:

4. animal: 5. verb, past tense:


all of my friends and asked them if

they wanted to bowl. (3) he











his mom's

But everyone else could

6. noun:


7. article of clothing:

Once at the bowling alley, we put on bowling

8, person in room:


9. article of clothing:

took off his (9)

10. noun:

to smell of (10)

11. verb ending in -ing:

ran out of the room (11)

12. part of the body:

holding their (12)

13. a game:

We decided to play (13)

14. person in room: 15. noun:

16. adjective: 17. noun:

18. exclamation: 19. adverb:

20. noun:

. When (8)

, the room began


The people and


stead at (14)

. in .'s house. Before

we got there, though, a (15)






"(18) moving (20)_

we all died.


(16) .




.!" Then a (19)


. ran us over and

Uranus Two (1).

1. adjective:

. astronauts, Larry

and Mo, were (2)

_. in their very

2. adjective:

(3) 3. adjective: 4. adverb:

5. noun:

. space shuttle.


. flying (5)

on Uranus. When they got out of the ship, they

7. number



11. exclamation:




.. (9).

8. number

10. language:

. hit

the spaceship and they were forced to land

6. color:

9. body part (plural):

Then a





... Surpris

ingly, he greeted them in (10). and






.!" but Larry stayed calm

and said, "Take me to your (12) 12. adjective:

master." 13. noun: 14. adjective:

The alien, offended, picked up a


. and threw it at the


. humans.

He grabbed

15 adverb:


16. article of clothing:


17. verb, past tense:

them to a teleporter and sent them to

18. place:

19. exclamation:


(18) exclaimed.

â&#x20AC;&#x17E; . Then he (17)

.. "(19)


the .


132 Different Phrases Roberto Castafter

I don't know about you, but I think it is cool to learn things in other languages. That's why I wrote this article. Here I have a column of languages and one of phrases. I looked up how to say all twelve phrases in eleven different languages and filled it in. I hope you find it interesting; I did. Language/Phrase

I want to thank the people who gave me the infor mation:




Chen (Chinese), Tito Massis (Arab), Sergio Cortez (Portuguese), Andrea Vieira (Portuguese, French), Kyung Ro(Korean), Alon Cohen (Hebrew), Antonio

Luzzi (Italian).


I love "name"


J'aime "name"




Ana Beheb "Name**




(sa-rang-he) "name11




ani oev et "name"




watashiwa* "name" aishiteru




Ik hou van "name"

het spyt me



io amo "name"




Yo amo a "name"








jag alska "name'

jag ad lessen



Eu amo o "name"



Tie your shoes


You are Beautiful Tu es belle



Fortman(Dutch), Carlos Hiroshi (Japanese), Alice

I'm Sorry


Fait tes lacets









(no-neun-a-reum-da'-wo) atyafa


Tikshor et a srqjim sheljah



kutihimo o musube




maak je shcoenen vast




allaccia le tue scarpe




amdrrate el zapato


Estas bien buena


chin ni pan nit shie tai

tiau i tiau

ni hen piau lian




du ar vacker


amarraos seus sapatos


voce e bonito


Eat my Shorts

Don't Have a Cow, Man!

Stop Touching Me!


mange-mesa shorts

Ne t'enerves pas

Arrete de me toucher




kul jara






tohfli et a mihnazflim shell


tafseek ligoa bi






eetmyn shorts

daar hoef jc met over in te zftten

raak me niet aan


mangia miei pantaloocini


fermati di toccarmi


cdmete mis panSalooes

no te enojes



can m nan

pe ta 1 zwniou







come meus shorts


para de me tocar


Where is the beef?

Don't act weird

Where is the bathroom?


Ou est la viande?

Ne fais par l'imbecile

Ou son! les toilettes?











al titnaeg muzar




aho mitaeeni suruna

benjoh wa docoda"?


Waar is bet viees


Waar is de WC?


dove sta la came


dove e il bagno?


ÂŁd6nde esta* la came?

Te ves bien idiota





Z'eh zuo tzai navi?


vaar ar beefen




Nao Seja exquisite

varr ar tuwam? adonde fica o bahhero?


f ^5 X^n

Killer Oekje

\r\ a


Paul O'Sullivan

Once upon a time in a far off place a long time ago, (well actually not that long ago, probably just last Christmas) a horrifying oc

currence occurred in the small town of Lin

coln. The Christmas of 1995 was a grand Christmas for most people, but no one in Lincoln had a grand old time, they had a heck of a time. This horrible happening in volved a batch of seemingly harmless ginger bread cookies, a toaster and a bunch of knives. No one knew the exact reason for these monstrosities of tastiness except possi bly one little boy. ( Oh and we can't forget the special guest appearance of Sandy!.) NOTICE: THIS STORY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, SENIOR-CITI ZENS AND PEOPLE WITH HIGH CHO LESTEROL.

WARNING: This is a true** story with

true people, true events and true killer cookie guys. Another reason for not reading this is

it will ruin any hope of cooking ginger-bread cookies next to McDonald's*** secret sauce.

This story begins with Tiny-Tim, our lo cal heroic boy, fighting a cold and a runny nose. Tiny-Tim is at home today preparing to help his mother bake cookies and spread the Christmas cheer to all. "Gee, mom when are we gonna start bak ing cookies? I'm really excited!!" "Don't worry Tim we'll bake As soon as the farfunugan is done in the oven. Why don't you get the cookie dough, honey?" "O.K. mom!!!!" Tim proceeds to the re

frigerator to get the cookie dough while his mom starts to take out the farfunugan.

Tim opens the refrigerator and a warm glow of red light flows out. "Huh, that's weird, why is the fridge warm? I'll just turn up the cool air to WARP FACTOR 9!" As soon as Tim turns up the cool air the warm glow ceases. He reaches in and ... pulls out the cookie dough. The label is

Safaqjc ceokjef jqcŠrpŠrafed**** Use with extreme caution, and don't spill

any secret sauce on the dough, you dimwit.

By the way, in case you haven't read it, don't

spill any sauce on the dough, period." "Hmmm. . . Satanik kukees incupurutd. Whatever. Hey, mom this cookie dough package is glowing and starting to burst out into flames isn't that odd?" " Uh huh, I'm sure dear. Just put it in the

oven over there and make sure it's on the cookie sheet" "O.K. mom!!!!!" Little Tim does as he's told, unaware of the creatures, the demons, the hell minions, the, uh... the uh... thingies that he is about to create. Unaware of the consequences of going to McDonalds for ta

keout, Unaware of the certain impending doom by ordering... SECRET SAUCE!!!!!!" "O.K. Tim get ready with your order for McDonalds. We're going right now." "O.K mom!!!!" As the car drives out of the driveway (Kind of ironic you know drive

way, drives out.

Get it? Don't you think?

Anyway, back to the story). The stoves dials are automatically set to 375 degrees and "bake". The ancient ritual has been per formed. Now the cookies are on their one way trip to total mutation into beings of SATAN!!!!! (This is great stuff, Isn't it!!??) Now to break the story and give the audi ence a little intermission here's a little Christ mas fun.

1. Knock, knock, who's there? Santa. Santa who? SANTA CLAUS! That little joke came from a fellow stud ent here at Colegio Maya, not me.

BACK TO THE STORY... First, the ten minutes pass, then twenty, soon twenty turns to thirty and thirty turns to

forty and right when the clock strikes two, Tim and his mom come back from McDon alds. "HiMre.Barkovich!"

"Oh hi Sandy, out walking huh?" "That's what I'm doing. Bye now. I'm off to see Bernard!" "Bye Sandy, have fun!" Tim and his mom walk in and his mom goes to check the cookies. She walks into the kitchen and is shocked it (the stove, for those of you with a short memory) magically turned on* She shrugs it off with no regard and puts on some Bing Crosby Christmas hits to make the mood "christmasy". "Tim, come get your food but don't eat it in the kitchen or the living room or the TV room or the dining room or the bathroom. Bon apetite!" "O.k. mom!!!!" Tim frantical ly runs into the kitchen and decides to check the cookies as he's opening and eating secret sauce packets. Tim grows curious through time and opens the oven. The cookies are sizzling and steaming but Tim pays no atten tion to that. "Mmmmmmm, that sauce looks so good! Vm gonna pour tons of it on my burger." As Tim opens the packet it blows up (as if it was destined to blow up) and flies right on to the cookies, "oh, who cares, now my cookies

will taste like secret sauce! the more the better!!!" As Tim proceeds to pour the sauce on, the stove seems to overload with raw en ergy and steam. Just as it looks like it's go ing to blow it's stack the stove goes . . . "ding!"

"It's ready mom!!!!! HutTy!!!" "O.K. dear I'm coming! Hark the herald

angels sing...!!" Ah, ...the moment arrives, the ceremoni al taking out of cookies from the stove. Tim and mom are excited until the stove bursts open!!!! Soon, the kitchen is flooded with little minions from hell! The cookies are out! Many die on the drop down from the stove and many die from the heat but it matters not, for the rest is a whole horde of cookies that have survived and are now hiding. "Dear lord!!!!!!!!!!! Tim, run, run for your life!!!!!!! evacuate, call the national guard... just run!!!!!!!" "Ok!!!!!!" Soon, Tim and his mom are long gone and the cookies are free to roam the kitchen. Many cookies have decided to enter the fridge. That was their first and last mistake. With the cool level at warp factor nine the cookies are immediately frozen. With no more muscles they all tumble down. Some land in the jello causing them to sink very squishily, others land on the frozen turkey causing them to shatter. The other cookies split up into groups of five. Now three groups of cookies stand and one, just one, independent cookie rises above them. "Hail to me my cookie subjects!!!! Fol low me into the dark abyss, the wasteland called Earth. Our first job, conquer this odd room. Scout out all these machines. Where do they get all these toys anyway?! My first task is to find a weapon. Now... ONWARD!!!!!!!!!!!" "Yes sir!!!" the cookies erupt as if they were one. The first group of cookies scout out the cabinets on the east side of this vast "kitchen". The curious five find a cabinet marked liquor. "We must check this out!/' exclaims one

of the five. With their combined strength they open one of the bottles. Soon they be gin to drink this magic liquid. "Gee thish shtuf is pretty!" "yah it's making me buff!" "heh he he heh heh heh he. urn... heh hehe hheheh he!"

"Hey you guuuys!!!!! I think we shuld take a resht or sumptin." "Whoa!", one by one the cookies tripped on each other and fell off the counter to their crumbly death. [<Hello, Sebastian here, the Ginger Bread Cookies are my inventions, and as a matter of fact, I'm speaking to you from the kitchen. I am wearing an invisible suit so the cookies can't see their real master. I control everything in this kitchen, because I am the creator! Ok, back to the story...>J The second group of five cookies make their way across the counter. This time, they make sure not to walk too close to the edge of the counter. They view an intergalactic

portal, a way back to Hell, (actually a microwave). But they didn't know that [<I

made them dumb. Seb.>]. They walked into the microwave box and shut the door. They cookies beckoned to the other cookies to push the START button, apparent ly, the button that would turn the "portal" on. So, the other cookies came over and pushed


WOULD!" , was all that could be heard in

the mass confusion from the "portal". Then, blue sparks reflected off the little cookies, and that was that. The microwave door blew open and little cookie guts flew everywhere. The lights turned on. All the cookies went stiff and fell back into their original po sition. "What the heck happened here?", the house cat thought to herself, "Oh well, I think I'll have a little midnight snack." The cat picked up 5 of the last 6 cookies with her paws in one ferocious swipe for a little snack. [<Don't ask why, I just made it that way, Paul.>] The cat turned the kitchen lights out and walked back to her room with the cookies, (don't ask me, it's a super cat; plus, this is

fiction so who cares!-Paul) The evil master cookie, Hex, stood up and said, "Blankety blank." [He really said that. I can make him say anything]. Read: I can make Hex say, "Pipsickle." Listen: Hex said, "Pipsickle!" See, I AM MASTER! Ok, anyhow, here's how Hex died. I took my in visible suit off, Hex was completely caught off guard. He didn't expect me to just appear there. I reached out to him and tossed him in my mouth, then I had some "magic liquid." Tha eeend. That's not really what happened! I fooled you! ha ha ha!!! Anyway Hex died when the knife he found fell on the floor and magically stayed on it's tip and he fell through it and died. That's the end of our story.

Little Tim never grew out of his little mind even though his body grew. Poor Tim. His mom is just happy go lucky. No one be lieved her little story but she didn't care, she went to live in Africa because I made her. Just remember, when you're cooking cookies watch the secret sauce! Oh yeah buy Satanic Cookies, they're good for you!! (And they never go cold- The Evil Cookieman)

Sandy: ™ and copyright Naked Ape Hex: ™ and copyright Sebastian. Sebastian: himself Paul: himself



**Not really. ♦♦♦McDonalds™ is a registered trademark of McDonalds, Inc

♦♦♦♦Satanic Cookies Inc.™ is a unregistered trademark of The Evil Cookieman.


ME COME SlAP YOU! Inside the mind on a typical day in the typical life of a typical teacher Ms told by a cra*y student] Bubba "The purple Schizophrenic Hamster" Manson, Ph.D.

"...the best, you are the greatest, you are the best, you are...", awakened again by the incessant praises of my alarm clock. Great! 4:26 A.M. Not enough time to eat breakfast again. This is not my day. I think I have a ninth grade literature demi-essay (i.e. an es say so bad even the devil throws up after reading it) stuck in my hair. Oh, the hangover, man, remind me not to watch that much 'Nick at nite' anymore. Well, nothing that a hot shower and two hours of CNN won't fix! Great, CNN is scrambled, darn! Well, I'll watch that hideous channel the kids watch, what's its name? Oh yeah, MTV, this

way I can pretend Fm cool by knowing what they are talking about in school and elevate my studmuffin status.

Oh no! I forgot to put on my makeup and it's already six o'clock! I can't believe I fell asleep again! Darn MTV! Can I say darn on the school magazine? Great. Now I have to pick my ties in a hurry, so many choices, what to do? what to do? Ooooh, the purple one looks cool. Or should I wear the gray one? But I love the green one with yellow polka dots. Nah, what the heck, I'll wear the black one with brown flowers on it. Wait! What if the cafeteria lady I have a crush on looks at me today?! Nah, I'm a teacher, no body cares about me, I'll wear the black one. OK, portfolio with moldy essays, check; mirror to contemplate my gorgeous face, check; shoes the same color, check; pants on, check; hair combed in totally artificial way, check. Pink socks on, oh darn, not again, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. OK, they're on...

Yay! All the cool teachers are here! I get to sit with the cool dudes! Awesome! Oh no! Speaking like a seventh grader again, my therapist was right, I do have a problem! Wait! How was it people entered cars again? Oh yeah, open the door. Yes! It works. Now that I am inside the car, I have to find something good and productive to do. Hmm, what to do, what to do... (mind goes blank here) ...Oh yeah, I'll stare at the clouds. Look! Its a pretty cloud, there's another one, and another one, that one is not that pretty, that one looks like my jar of


This mental scan break is brought to you by Bunny King: over 12 million served. Come in and try our new flat rabbit specials, only twelve bucks. Remember, roadkill can be re cycled! Offer available in Wyoming, Arkansas and Montana.

We've arrived, yes, the superior beings are here, we even got our own parking places. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Where was I? Oh yeah. Finally at school. Well, enough

fun, it's time to earn that Rogaine down-pay ment! Which way to the classroom? Up? But I

can't fly, oh, you mean up as in forward, great Left foot up, left foot down, right foot up, right foot down, left foot... wait, what do I see? It's a mid-size flock of students. Quick, think of something clever to say. Let me see... I know, 'hey dudes' always works. No, those are girls. Uh, how about 4howdy'? No, you don't want 'em to think you are a

hillbilly, then you would have to find a new job again. Come on, think fast, they are ap proaching, I know, I'll just give them the 'hail Hitler' salute. Ok, smile, lift arm up like the flihrer likes it, great, now they'll admire me even more. Why are they looking at me that way? Did I forget my pants again? No, they're on. I'll never figure out those weird sophomores. Oww! Who put that door there! Oh no, people staring, pretend you are not hurting. 'Hi', 'How are you', 'take your hat off!'... But it still hurts, stupid doors. If I had my

way, I'll make society go back to doorless stone temples like the ones they used to build when I was a kid. Those were the days. Yeah, then I won't get arrested for wearing leaves like that time in Baltimore. I hate state prisons! Look, it's the fly ing cow from 'Twister'! No, its only my imagination. I wonder what happened to my imaginary friends? How come they won't play with me anymore? Great, talking to myself again, people are star ing. Quick, pretend you are remembering stuff. Yeah, they won't stare anymore.

Where is my mailbox! Darn, I hate not having long term memory. There it is. I hope my package in a plain brown envelope is here. Yes! Finally, after five months of wait ing. Daddy's videos are home. All right, let's check if they are all here. 'Secrets of the brain', 'Inside Einstein's equations' * Count in binary in six days'. Wait a minute, where is my 'Star Trek: the first year' video? I'm never buying from The Time Life Collection ever again! Oh no! I smell children, quick, I have to

retreat to my lair. The room is locked. Ahhhhh! How can I get in? I know, I can climb in from the window. But that would get my clothes dirty and I'm wearing my

new salvation army sweater today! I can throw the door down. But then I would reac tivate my old polka dancing injury. I could break the window and open it from inside... Wait! Maya doors don't open from inside. Sometimes I wish the decision to trap the kids in the room and serve them as cafeteria food won't affect my daily life. What can I do? My class is about to start and the door won't open. Help!

I'll see what Mr. Smith does, his door is also locked. Ok, he's coming, closer, closer. Ha ha, your door is locked. Oh great, the key. How could I have forgotten about the key? Here it is, open says me. Ahh, nothing like suffo cating silence to brighten up your day. It's 7:46 am, Cof fee time! Ahhh! Liquid energy! I can't believe they have existed with out coffee in the middle ages. It must have been hellish not to have 89% caffeine inside your veins. Well, maybe that's why they are all dead. Time for a class. What is it I teach? Oh yes, Literature. I wish these kids would just realize that they can learn more watching TV than listening to me. Not to worry, I'll make them do presentations next week. That way I get paid while they do the job. Maybe I can even get them to put on Hamlet, that way I'll get the credit while they work their heads off. Oh oh, I think I prepared the lesson plan for the wrong class. What to do? What to do?

I know, Til make them read a book that would become totally obsolete once they

graduate. Frankly, I don't give a hamster chip for their academic future. I'll be stuck teaching while they make six digit salaries, I should of stayed with my job as an exotic dancer (sigh). Hey! What is that? Oh no! It's the black hole again, why does this always happen when I'm teaching? Good thing I'm so toring nobody notices when I disappear. Ahhhh! I'm getting sucked in. Help me! Hel... What is that bright light? Mommy? Is that you? Why did you leave me with my transvestite uncle? Mommy? Don't leave me again. Mommy? Mommy? Ahhhhhh! Phhhew, that was just another nightmar

ish daydream, why do I have those weird dreams? Why are all these kids staring at me? Oh yeah, teach. Hmmm, I think I need

more papers on my desk to make me look

real busy for the next parent-teacher confer ence, I know, I'll make them write a poem. Yeah, a poem, that way I can completely shatter their poetic asper..., asfir..., azphirrr..., you know, wanna-be thong.

Great, fifty more minutes of pretending I'm interested in their academic future. I know, it's JOURNAL TIME*. What crazy ideas should I insert in their bizarre little minds? I know, 'what were the effects of the Vietnam war on reproduction?'. Wait! I am a Literature teacher, why do I keep forgetting that? What about "discuss the psychological impact of Chaucer's writings of the era?', yeah, I'll make them look up the answers in the book. Ha ha ha ha.

Who is that at the door? Its the FBI again! RUUUUUUUUUN! Wait, its just another kid. Man, I wish there wouldn't be so many kids running around school. I wish we could cook 'em sooner. Nothing like the delicious scent of a slowly-roasted third grader to whet my appetite. Great! Drooling again, wipe it off, wipe it off! Great, no one suspects anything, yet...

Finally, after eighty minutes of being stuck with those obnoxious little brats. Time to run down to the cafeteria for a piece of frozen rat meat tortil...I mean pizza. I think I'll run down slowly to show off my body...

(Twenty seconds later) Oh, my kidney! For the love of God!, why did I liave to run so fast. But I guess I'm pretty close to the Cafe teria, what?! I'm still in the classroom. Man! I need to get that stairmaster, quick! Oh no! Everything is getting dark, I can't see a thing, help me, help me, help me. It's all dark. AHHHHHHHHHH! All dark, head hurt, can't open eyes... Where am I?! Oh no! Did it happen again? Is it another night with a full moon? How many people did I eat this time? Wait! The sun is shinning and it's only 9:17,1 couldn't have transformed that fast! Oh yeah, cafeteria,

running, ooops!

Great, now I only have thirteen minutes

to get to the cafeteria. I won't make it. What can I do? I'll get hungry and mutate into my other form in the middle of my class like that time in Tegu. Oh oh, I think I said too much. Don't worry, I'll just make a mental note to erase this later. What can I do? No food, no food, NO FOOD!... I know, I'll look in every table for crumbs left over by the students. There are always crumbs. Thank you unsanitary study ing conditions! Thank you very very much! Oh no! No crumbs! Darn cleaning peo ple. If I had my way, I'll steal their brooms so they won't be able to clean anymore. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now back to the food question, what should I do? Wait a sec ond! What is that I see? It's... it's... it's a seven year old tuna sandwich! Great, only a few maggot s and no ants in sight. Must., get to... sandwich. (A gray tuna sandwich later) Now, I have energy for a while! Who do I have to teach now? Oh no! Not eight grade. Anything but eight grade! They'll drive me crazy one of these days! No! They're here, my worst nightmare. I am not going insane, I am not going insane, insane not going I am, I not insane going am, am insane I not going, not going I am insane, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mother of God, Noooooooo! Have mercy! Keep away from me, keep away from me! Sorry, this article had to be stopped because, frankly,

I've ran out of ideas and Mr. Pastore won't stop yelling at me for making fun of him and his hairpiece...

"♦♦♦Anfc Now* The Continuation to The Naked Ape Valle The voice that boomed in the distance was a voice that had never boomed before, as

of some strange exotic planet. The voice was unreconisable to the human ear. The voices1 origan was from a stick-like figure that an

swered to the name Stitt. He had been in jail for quite a long time for lieing to an officer. Stitt had been in jail for 17 days and was cry ing for help. The treeo walked to the voice. It was only a couple meters. Poor Stitt, he did nothing bad. They got to the jail and saw he was in need. But there was no way to free him.

Then Buttlugge got an idea, they would be criminals and get in. Well, the anarchy plan worked and they got in fast. They got put in the same cell as Stitt. Well, they intro duced themselfs and they found a good way to get out. Buttlugge broke out of the restanses and got out his pocket-sized bazooka. He freed his friends and Stitt. He then stuck Stitt in the bazooka and shot him through the red brick wall. They all escaped and ran to Buttlugge's house. It was garbage; food everywhere, a broken TV, and mags all over the floor. But it was the only place to stay. All of a suuden, a guy smashed through the door with gun wounds though his chest He lay there bleeding while the blood soaked up into the carpet. Buttlugge got mad and lugged him out into the street, getting hit by a UPS truck at 60mph. Smash!!! They all fell asleep that night pretty fast The next morning was one of the worst days of their lives because they would soon meet their fate. Stumpy, the dreaded saitanic toma to was about to confront the foursome. This tomato was no ordinary talking tomato, it was the worst of all because it had a good pair of shotguns and a SILO nuclear missile which for those who don't know can whipe out the whole human race in 10.4563221 sec onds flat! Stumpy was the worst they get. Buttlugge had con fronted hime before and

had squised half of his face into tomato juice. So now has these metal face plates...

Poor Buttlugge, he had no chance against Stumpy. He needed the help from his friends to fight the Oh, so powerful Stumpy! This looked like a job for the Fighting Trio! But tlugge suited up in his titanim aloy body suit he gave a suit to Skippo, Stitt and Bebo. They all tried it on and it fit perfect! Now they were ready for action! They ran into the street and jumped into the Superhero Mobile and off they went! They got to the scene and saw the ugly sight, Stumpy was killing inos-

ent people. This was not good, it was BAD! Buttlugge leaped from the mobile and karatekicked Stumpy in the face! But suprisingly Buttlugge's leg got sucked into Stumpy's tomatoish flesh! Buttlugge got sucked into the belley of the tomato! It was disgusting! But tlugge screamed for help but no one could hear him! Suddenly, Stumpy exploted into tiny pieces of tomato and tomato juice! Out leaped Buutlugge. "I am fine, fellow fighter's for thy Stumpo is creamated!!", proclaimed Buttlugge. The fragments hit the ground and started to unite! It was ultra Stumpy with his Ultra, Su per, Duper Laser, Dual Gauge Missile launcher!!! It was 20ft taller than your ordi nary tomato. Buttlugge fell to his knees in madness. Suddenly Bebo walked up to Stum py and said, "You can't do that!" "Wanna Bet impotant fool!!", yelled Stumpy. "Do you want to fight you fat, overgrown tomato!!" "", and Stumpy ran away! During the couse of a couple days, The foursome had been loffing around the apartment On the other side of the country, Arizona to be exact, 100 miles from Phoenix a fire ball soured through the sky...Crash!! It crashed close to a Shell Station. It was a

U.F.O. It landed with such an impact that it rumbled the ground. I cloud of smoke filled the sky, when it cleared there appeared three weary things they had big eyes and long bon

Jude-luderville: Why did the watch get

The three misterious figures walked to ward the Shell station. They appeared to be Aliens!! The man at the Shell station. The man ran for his life but it was to late, he was

Here's something to tease your brain, What is Zoroastrianism? This is a religi

ny fingers...


The aliens walked toward the street Sud denly, a white van zoomed to a hult in front of the aliens. A short stubby man came out of the van. It was Richard Simmons!! His gay curly hair glistened in the moonlight The al iens tried to threaten him but it was no use they were forced to ride in the van and boy, was it bad. Richard Simmons would look at the aliens. Three days later they arrived in L.A. They were dropped off on the corner of a street and the "Richard Simmons Tour Bus" zoomed away. Then a few meters away The Treo saw the aliens and put on there body suits to pre pare for battle...


kicked out of class? Crat-jin-throb: Why is that Jude-luderville: because it was tick-talking.

ous system in Persia. Why do parrots need their zygodactyl? It's the bone in a parrot foot.

What is a nabob? It is a deputy of the old

Mogul Empire in India. Who was Pomona? She was the Roman Goddess of fruit. What is an xeme? It is an arctic bird. What do you call a castrated rooster? A capon.

I knew a gnu in the zoo that knew the news that two new gnus knew the zoo gnu knew the gnus knew he knew the new gnu's zoo news too


2. ra —


3 —



/ i \


Gertrud: What kind of music does a police man like? Ninbo: I don't know,


Gertrud: Criminal records. Staffer: Why is it hard for a lady bug to hide? Laniton 1*11 bite Staffen Because she is always seen. Freejoles: anyone here quick at picking up instruments?

Ghwandiffuderia: We are Sir. Freejoles: Great, you two move that piano!

Opticalplaid: What do you get if you cross an

owl with a lobster? Cugervile: I'm dumb founded Opticalplaid: An animal that dispenses pearls of wisdom.



J 6

mmm rum mm MFC StAE**** ..continued

Naked Ape Valle

Sandy saw it! A raccoon was eating trash out of his garbage can. "It was so unique!", Sandy thought, "how could this raccoon be useful?" He thought and thought and thought. Then, a very odd thing hap pened, the raccoon started to sing! "Wow, this is great!", thought Sandy. He could sell it to a circus and make lots of money! He got close to the raccoon and picked it up. It was beautiful, thought Sandy. He started to run toward the circus. When he neared the circus, he saw a very odd looking clown. It had red hair, a bald spot and a striped shirt, his name was Bellgo. He stood there bewildered, as Sandy ex plained how the raccoon could sing. Then Sandy set the raccoon on the floor and it started to sing. Bellgo stood there in amuse ment Three hours later, Sandy walked away

with $1,000,000. He never told his parents about thSjmoney. You see, his dad used to

abuse hiirir Sandy name was Kevin and

just moved to an apartment. Kevin ~__- led and was not that bad. Sandy had always liked skateboard ing but could not afford to buy one of his own. Sandy had always dreamed of the day that he could afford a skateboard. Kevin used to live in Budapest, Hungry where he skated with his Hungarian friends. Sandy asked Kevin where he could buy a skateboard. Kevin replied/The best place to get a skateboard is in a skate store in Budap est, Hungry called 'Zone'". Sandy was so delighted in a big puddle of joy that Sandy fell out of the window from Kevin's 25 story building, landing on top of a blind woman and her dog. That evening, Sandy made reservations for two plane tick-

ets to Budapest. The next day Sandy and Kevin went to the airport and as Sandy

boarded the plane Sandy could almost pic ture himself skating with Kevin, Paul and Gian. He could picture himself skating with Bill Pepper, Chris Senn and Willy Santos. They sat in their seats and waited. They

were attended by a really beautiful flight hostess. Her name was Candistry. She gave a wink to Sandy and Sandy blushed. They took off on the pursuit of their dreams. Kevin sold his skateboard before they left, to a physically challenged boy for $50 and some marbles. The flight was a long and boring one for the two sailors. After a good 7 hours they could not handle it any longer, and they started to get antsy and fidget with each other. In only an hour they would be there. Well they lasted the trip and got off the plane in Budapest, Hungry. Sandy admired the place for it had quite a uniqueyiew feel ( you know the


he knew

where to go. Back at home, |'s dad was slurping down another beer.1 fd not give a buffalo chip on the whereabouts of his happy en riched son who had not been home in more than 2 days. Well, Sandy was perplexed at the way Kevin knew his way around. Sandy and his fondly friend left the airport and walked down the crowded streets of down town Budapest. They arrived at Westin Regina and checked in. They got the most expensive

double bed penthouse ($895.95 per night $20

tips extra per night). Well they were very tired so they 'hit the sack' very early. The next day they took a tram to the other side of town and walked 5 blocks to the store. They

arrived at the store around 12:00 pm. A Hun garian man appeared at the door of the store and saluted his customers. His name was Aram Hairm Frobo. And they entered 'Zone'. The store was quite small, but big in

heart. Sandy looked at the wide selection of Skateboards and accessories. Kevin reco-

mended the Consolated Skateboard with In dependent trucks and 51mm clone wheels.

He bought a pair of Shaft jeans and some In dependent pants, he got a bunch of shirts and accessories. The total came out to $70934. They left the store at 4:30 and headed toward the bus stop and a fly landed on his head. It meant nothing to Sandy, because he was surrounded by a thick blanket of happi

ness! They boarded the bus and headed to ward the city. They sat down in the fifth seat and concentrated on the scenery. Sandy once again [mentally] walked into his unconscious mind and entered the space called the Alpha state (That state is the state between die con scious and unconscious for those who don't know.), and if it hadn't been for a speedbump one of the bums behind him would have stole his skateboard. The speed bump woke him up! He purposely smashed the

bums face with the board


Then, poor Sandy and Kevin were kicked off the bus and never allowed to ride the bus again. Luckily, they were not far from the hotel and they only had to skate 5 blocks. The sun began to set in the east. It was so beautiful (I wish you could of seen it, but to bad... ). Well, as they returned to the hotel they thought that if they would stay at the ho tel for the rest of their lives that it would be wonderful. It sounded like a great idea to both of them. So they stayed there for the rest of their lives in.

Short story of the Month®: WARNING: Do not read this story while eating canned products or while sewing head dresses. And may I strongly suggest that you take precautions. Pregnant women over 80 consult with your doctor first

Once in August it was so beautiful that Sandy© wished it would stay forever. "Just

like this" ,he wished. "With the sky clear and

blue, and the clouds white and high-". He wished the lake would stay as still and deep blue, too-with the sailboats skimming along in the fair little breeze at pushed against the sails- but never rippled the water- and the water so clear that he could see the tiny, wa ter-clear minnow's trying to nibble his toes. He wished the fields would stay full of scar let pant-brush and black-eyed Susans1, and that the woods would stay full of big sweet blackberries for pie to eat after supper. "Put your hands up!", was all Sandy© could hear, something knocked him to the ground. Sandy© looked up-he saw three men in clown costumes. "Would you like to breath the fresh August air with me?" in quired Sandy©. One of the clowns pulled out of his pocket, a lolly pop. "Gosh darnit!" the clown said, "Wrong pocket." The clown put his hand in his other pocket and got out an uzi. "Breath this!" the clown said. RATTATATTATTATTATTRATTATTATTATTATTATTATTAT-TTTATTATTATTATTATT! Sandy lay there, looking at the beau tiful sky, "My, my, my. What a wonderful August evening it has been." The three clowns stuffed their hands into Sandy's© pockets and took all his money. The clowns ran off. Sandy's© bi-friend came over and (s)he saw him lying there, on the brink of death, she called 911, but it was too late. Sandy© was canned.

After hearing this story, Mr. BiffMigrone was in

spired to start a canned food company. He named it

Price Foods. After many years of hard work and dili

Sandy never finished school and became a Public Bagger in Boyton Beach, Florida. Kevin then moved to Guatemala and became a pro skater, and rode for Alien Workshop, Independent and Airwalk...

gence, Mr. BiffMigrone had made quite an exciteful andpricy company. So, when you're walking down the

aisle in your grocery store, stop and buy a can of San dy® fruit, "It's good!". Unfortunately Fred GiffcuVs realion to this story caused him to suicidally run and jump into a huge tank of boiling water.

BLACK AND THE TWO FACES OF A STORY Kyung (the know it all)

"Have your brains ever pondered upon the possibility that other people may burst out a different opinion over the same object or sit uation; if they have a view that is completely contrasting to your own? Well, this might be

an example of such occurrences. Do not des pairfor this is not a real story (I think)." Tom's version:

A blue sky, everything happy and full of life. I blinked and I realized my eyes had fooled me. That wasn't a sky ... it was a huge swirling pool of steaming larva and toxic waste, I dared to wish it would lurch down and swallow my soul, out of this world and out of this agony. I shut my eyes, the scene was gone when I opened it. With a jump, I sensed a trickle of boiling liquid streaming

down my eyelid. Frantically I swept at it â&#x20AC;˘ It stung against my finger tips... or though it felt so. No, it was mere natural perspiration. Groaning with pain, I looked around the life less room.

Clinging onto the haggard wall, the evil pink clock grinned with the twelve numbers on its face, clashing within every second The snobbish characters reeled within the milky board, and the windows hung silently with its mouth ajar. I rolled my eyes and squared with the ugly women sculpture, which glared back with suspicion. Her dark face cracked with a nasty twist, spilling dark secrets to the black sun. My arm felt rigid and heavy; I couldn't move. Hesitantly I looked down and flung my eyes open in terror. There was a dark, blue devil pressing down my arms, grasping them so tightly that it felt crushed. I shrug as the its dry, raspy cackling echoed off the walls. I was in a swamp ... no, a disguise it must

be. I felt the churning sloppy pool pull down on my legs, then my desk. I struggled to es

cape, but it only grasped harder. Tremendous strength wrapped around my ankles, squeez ing until it felt numb. My mind was deteri orated, unable to think or do anything. I groped for a helping hand, only to slide through the thin air. A quick gasp escaped through my blue lips. My heart thudded against the chest, an individual life form, try ing to twirl out from my ribs. I could see its round form move against my skin, or at least I could sense it. A horrible cry of an animal

was heard, coming from a distance. Then I realized it was mine. I rolled my eyes around the naked room and saw only the delighted pairs of eyes, and their ripped grins of pleas ure. A blue bird laughed at me, screeching a song of a foolish boy and his dark end. Then it was gone. The deadly coolness against my waist, the laughing echoes, and the dark blood-shot eyes ... I remained still for an extensive period in fear of the night mare's return. Nothing happened. To my despair, it was only replaced by heavy silence and blue emptiness. In the cold, min iature room, there remained only I... and the abominable two sheets of the quarter exam. Buck's version: I stretched and yawned lazily, a smile curving amiably on my face. What a perfect

day for a challenging start! The fluffy white cloud glided over the clear pool of sky, joy fully forming up ambiguous structures then dispersing in hope to meet again. The blue bird whispered merrily the song of morning, his chest bursting with happiness as he danced, tip-toeing on the delicate strand of branch. The radiant sun smiled down on the little creature, caressing it with his golden strings. I looked around the small, but well furnished room, eying each of the unique and dainty pieces settled around the area. With

my eyes half dosed, I checked the time from the adorable little pinkish clock, with the gold-tinted chunky numbers standing out My next stop was on the stunning piece of sculpture. The charming young lady, grace fully picking up a narrow pitcher up to her shoulder, seemed to bow shyly at the over whelmed praise at her beauty. She held a pleasant smile on her face heightened by her eyes full of gentleness.

The soft bristling of the leaves was sud denly accompanied by the low-pitched hums of the peaceful tiny creatures, Hopping their bountiful bodies from one petal to another while busily sucking in the richly sweet aro

ma of the honey. A kitten bounded in the garden, absorbed with his toy, a brown shaded hamster, play ing the you-run-and-I- bite-you-in-butt-bytail. The terrified hamster frantically scurried

in any way possible only to be bitten or swapped by the immensely fast kitten's paw. After a while, mommy trotted over to inspect their condition. When the kitten seemed to grow tired of the tiny creature, she snatched the exhausted, but still dodging hamster which was to be her meal in five minutes (does cats eat hamsters? It is a close relative of a rat. On the other hand, it's curiously questionable if cats still consider rats as their meal...) I turned toward Tom in the next room, seen through the rectangular glass. His face was ashen and his lips were, uh, gone! The border of his lip line and his skin was blend ed in a peculiar, undescribable way. He was doing a some kind of dance, a twister I think. His high pitched squeals must be a part of the backup music to create the mood. How

odd. The sky, with its never ending stretch of

orange beams, seemed to embrace the world. The time was approaching, but so slowly. I

scratched my head, twirled my fingers, and

bit on my ball-point pen. The seven beautiful angels were surrounding me, waiting, and I didn't want to delay them any longer* They have come in response of my prayer, in promise to help me and give me guidance. I was confident enough, but a few helpful tips wouldn't hurt. The one on the farthest right

who flexing his golden wings, reviewed the

text, flipping over the thick book of knowl edge. They planned to participate in the bowling competition one hour later. A gold en ring was in bet, they hinted to me. Through the strike of light, the door swung open and the silent cracking highheeled shoes rung in my ears. My head shot up, my eyelids rolled, and my mouth drib bled. The cracking grew farther and finally was gone. I was left with the drifting mur murs and the total silence of concentration. It was my quarter exam.

insane p&yct)opati) On cold, dark evening in the middle of Fe bruary, with the temperature at eighteen below and dropping steadily, an Alaskan trapper returned to his empty cabin were after thirteen days on the trail. In the ca bin were a kerosene lamp, a fireplace, and a wood-burning stove, and the trapper had but one match. What should he light first? He should light the match first.

You are a truck driver. If you drive from Birmingham, Alabama with a foil load of tomatoes, stop for fuel in Atlanta, Georgia at 6 o'clock in the evening, and then con tinue on to Raleigh, North Carolina, not exceeding the 55 M.P.H. speed limit, arriv ing before eight o'clock in the morning on a Friday, how old is the truck driver? Remember, youfre the truck driver.

Which would you prefer - that a lion ate you or a tiger? I don't know about you, but I'd rather have the lion eat the tiger.

Why do cat's meow? A cat has whiskers, whiskers are hair, hare is rabbit, rabbit runs fast, to fast is to go hungry, to go hungry is painful, when Fm in pain, I go Now!n; in other words, me "ow!"


Ben Baldizon

One day, about 12 years ago, a little boy called Frederick Wallace Worthington Avery

the twohundredandfiftythird (also known as The Boy) was walking home from school. He normally took the bus but today he had missed it, and had therefore decided to walk home. He figured if the bus got him home in half an hour then he could walk home in an hour. Little did he know that his bus driver was really an alien conducting experiments to see if humans in the bus could detect when the bus was moving at light speed. And

twenty minutes traveling at light speed amounts to quite a distance. In fact, The Boy

was being taken to and from a school on a different planet in a different galaxy. Well, The Boy was a little, shall we say, urn, slow so he didn't realize that he wasn't on earth. The flying cars, low gravity, and pink telephone poles with green polka dots on them should have clued him in but re member, this guy is a little slow. All right, he's a friggin moron. There, I said it. Any way, after a few hours of walking and not getting anywhere, The Boy realized he had no idea where he was going or where his home was. At exactly the same time, a cantephant (a strange cross between a canta loupe and an elephant) died in Zxtram IV, a planet halfway across the galaxy from every other planet. This event appeared to have very little importance on the cosmic scale to the inhabitants of Zxtram IV, but little did

they know that in fact, this event had abso lutely no importance on the cosmic scale, or on almost any other scale for that matter. But back to the story, The Boy, realizing he was very lost, decided to ask someone for directions. So he went up to a strange look ing ephtocron (you don't want to know what that looks like) and said, "Excuse me, but could you show me how to get to Sesame Street?" The Boy did not live on Sesame street, or anywhere near it for that matter, but

that was the first thought that came to him so he verbalized it. The ephtocron looked at him and said, "Zxtphm vrtl lptcrm phSesame Streetrg" (which roughly translates into "Take the Greyhound down to the corner of fifth and Maine, then catch the shuttle headed for TrFk, put on a space suit, jump out when you see a blue planet to your left, point yourself directly away from the blue planet, fire your jet pack, and hope you have enough power to make it to @A%#$%@, the world were Se same Street is."). The ephtocron then pro ceeded to board the flying car that had just appeared out of nowhere.

The Boy, realizing he would never see this particular ephtocron again and therefore would never be able to thank him for this vi tal information, promptly forgot the whole thing. Then he looked around him for any sign of intelligent life. AHA! There, stand ing at the corner of the street, was a strange

sight indeed, a phgm (don't even ask). The Boy marched down the street to the phgm

and said, "Excuse me, but I go to a school that's back thataway about 4 or five hours if you walk and I missed the bus today so I'm trying to walk home but I think I'm lost Do you think you could show me the way home?" If The Boy had met any phgm but the aq uamarine phgm he met, the story would have ended here, for any other color phgm would

have ripped his heart out and played basket ball with it. But that was not the case, so the story won't end here. Sorry, folks. Anyway, the phgm looked at him for what seemed like seconds but was in reality only seconds and said, "Thrgm" (which literally means, 'The hills are ringing with the sound of mortars being fired and the screams of the dead and dying- To get home, click your heels togeth er three times and say, "I wanna go home." After doing this men in white coats will ap pear and take you to an insane asylum. Since they will realize that you are to crazy and dangerous to be permitted to remain on this world, you will be shipped off to earth, which I assume is you world. Form there you will have to find your own way home."). Unfortunately, The Boy wasn't fluent in the phgm language so he got a garbled mes sage. To repeat what he understood would take too much time, but at any rate, he clicked his fists together and said,

"Aquamarine phgm's rule." A squad of vol untary firemen came out of nowhere and blasted him wit their Acme-Super Blaster hose, and then disappeared into whatever al ternate dimension had spawned these beings. All this was very amusing to the phgm, which boarded a Greyhound and set out to save the universe. Of more interest to us, however, is the effect all this had on The


At first nothing happened. Then, howev er, The Boy got very angry. And when The Boy got very angry, he discovered his un tapped potential. In effect, The Boy became a huge black amorphous being with powers beyond your wildest dreams. The Boy's mind was also changed, and he was no long er the simple fool he'd been before. Instead,

he became a cruel, cunning, evil, conniving, and extremely cynical being that called him self . . . Pookie (no relation to Garfield's


Pookie's first act was to scour all the di mensions in search of these firemen. When he found them he ..., well he did some pretty mean stuff to them. Needless to say, not one fireman survived this encounter. Pookie realized that the more he used his powers, the stronger and smarter he got.

With this in mind, he flew around blasting buildings and beings to pieces, roaring in laughter at the aliens's pathetic attempts to destroy him with their death ray blasters and their hair clips. Now if only they had used death-ray-blaster-slash-scrunchees . . . But they didn't. And so, in a relatively short time, (about 12 seconds) a whole world had been destroyed.

Pookie continued on his rampage until he had totally annihilated everything in the fire men's universe. Then he returned to his own dimension. However, instead of destroying, Pookie got to thinking. He realized his pow

ers could be used for good, to benefit all the peoples of the universe. This sounded really

boring to him, though, so he discarded this notion. But in this state of deep thought, he discovered many things, like how to make the ultimate spatula of death and destruction, how to create a farmzoid, how to forge an unbreakable spoon, how to make the perfect CD that everyone would buy, how to eat jelly doughnuts without squirting the jelly all over the place, and many other things of this mag nitude.

The he turned his thoughts to greater problems. He was right on the verge of dis covering two secrets vital to the survival of the human race, why hot dog buns come in packs of ten while hot dog buns come in packs of eight and what the hidden mystery of Crisco is when suddenly, out of nowhere, appeared a squad of interstellar B-52 bomb ers and nuked the place, completely destroy ing everything in sight (except for the roach es) with their nuclear weapons. And so tragi cally perished Pookie, and all his knowledge

with him.

At least the roaches were happy.



Halloween is coming up! â&#x20AC;˘.â&#x20AC;˘On second thought, it probably will be already over by the time this article is published in the Colegio Maya's "PULSE." Oh well, what the heck. Let's just trace back in time for a brief while. Now that the purpose of my article is established I better stop wandering off to no where. Anyway, on October thirty-first, we will encounter the Day of Witches, as Hallo ween is also called. (Note: I said 'we will en counter' because when I started this writing it was October 15). Okay, now what can I write about Halloween? ...hmm ...well ....uh (a very long pause) ... I don't know. You, yeah you. The one staring at this page. I'm talking to you! Hello! Anybody there? First, what images does that day bring? The usual stuff. Pumpkins, black cats, trickor-treats, and full moons... you get the pic ture. Maybe I could write a really creepy

story of footless phantoms or a ghost with a torn-out face with blood gushing all over. Well, while some believe that all those ex traordinary occurrences and phenomenons are caused by spirits and ghosts, let's just say (for those typical, proud guys) that there are some psychopathic, crazy maniacs running around loose in the street, obsessed with making themselves legendary by committing nasty things on people. They may be patient ly waiting for his or her next victim to come along and fall under the gentle nudge of a


Wait, chainsaw might make up a very, how can I put it, a very educative story. How? Well, innocent kids could learn how the chainsaw functions and it's various uses. Nothing violent of course... Did I mention that it can chop and grind through anything, making the left over scrubs fly all over and its internal structure visible? However, I don't feel like getting involved with the sub ject; furthermore, somehow Mr. Pastore might not be so enthusiastic about the idea. A short story. How can I start it? Of course it should involved Halloween. I believe there isn't any law saying that all stories about Halloween must be scary. Would it matter if

it was absolutely pointless? Here it goes... Once upon a time (how original), there existed a seventeen year old, yet immature and quite dumb kid named Jim (another set of typical word; I'll just stick in a phrase) so

it shall be Jim the Satan. Did I mention that this dude was obsessed with any materialis tic thing or ideas that oppose what are la beled as good and decent? Anyway, it was the time of October 31, 1997. Jim was sprawled on the couch, throwing any cheap utensil that came into his hand at the cheaper,

malfunctioning TV. Glooming on the Budweiser commercial with three frogs and a gay alligator, with no comprehension of course, he was suddenly struck with the desire to have his nose

pierced. Managing to excavate some money from the personal dug-in grave under his

bed, (which he calls a holy residence, where he finds his spiritual peace) he happily drilled out the door. He shuffled toward the cheap surgery room (actually, a small corner of the pet shop with a single stool and vari ous pins) where in the past he had got his two very artistic tattoos on his butt and four piercings in each ear. It could be pointed out that body piercing is one of the few rare sources in which he is capable of finding pleasure. Of course, he wouldn't leave out the double ring on his eye brows and his left nostril. He had considered having his tongue pinned also, but he despised the taste and the

feeling of the cold metal and his girlfriend had braces.

As I was saying, 'he shuffled toward the cheap surgery room (or actually a small corn er of the pet shop)... etc, etc...' Jim somehow ended up facing a haunted house. At this mo ment, bearing in mind the fact that he was in credulously stupid, his brain didn't come to realize that he was at the wrong destination and had taken a wrong turn in the last block. He simply stood there, like the typical

dumb kid, his brain's lobes for reasoning and decision making too stiff to function. Then, without considering the consequences, he trotted into the promising dark entrance, out lined with faint rays of red and green lights. It was pitch dark for the first five or six steps. He ran his hands over the wall, instinc tively taking cautious care for any ambigu ous object that could topple him. Soon, to his relief, a flickering pale light was spied danc ing over the bloodish candle stick. He whisked the thin stick into his hand, unaware of the liquefied wax trickling down his palm. Blankly he looked up, sighting various

green arrows of distinct directions with red paint spilled over it Hmmm... this way to the butcher's, over there goes to the graveyard, and this leads to the goblins. He blinked twice, turning the silver ring in his hand, which had a shape of a man strangling a woman to death. He loved the dam ring. It reflected his personality. Jim blinked again. Now what? After a moment of stillness, his left eyebrow jumped

up in realization. I gotta get my nose pierced ... my right nostril ... yeah ... where is that bald surgeon ...? He was so deeply absorbed into his thought that he wasn't aware of the approaching band of kids. Wide frightened

eyes, open mouth, all bumping into each oth er desperately.

It was dark since Jim had took away the only existing light source in the corridor: the small candlestick, which by now was com pletely smoldered and blended with his hand, looking like an unidentifiable red clump of

waxy, round object

/ have to get my nose pierced! With a flashing spark (of what?), he reeled back and rushed back through the ashen corridor. He absentmindedly pushed aside the little, dark

creatures bearing, fearfully, the idea of little goblins. Jim would never have realize that he

had pushed the poor, innocent kids into a

storage area which would lock automatically from the outside. He ran and ran, trying to focus on the blurred stone floor. He panted in exaspera tion, constantly wiping the sweat away from

his forehead. It seemed like eternity since he had turned away from the green arrows. Again, his grand stupidity came to ac tion; Jim was unaware that he had taken a wrong corridor. He was actually heading fur ther and further away from the entrance. He didn't realize that, of course. It was too dark anyway. Then he saw a prickle of light seep ing out in yonder. Yes! He hurried anxiously toward the light. Fumbling for an opening, he felt an cold object at the tip of his fingers. Twisting the bolt, Jim flung it open and stepped in.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH ----//A'///" From then on, Jim's existence came to be a mystery. Nobody saw him, nobody heard of him, and nobody even cared nor noticed. The townspeople were never quite able to discover what had vanished from their so ciety, but whatever it was, they felt satisfied. By the way, what did happen to Jim? I don't know and who cares anyway? I'm finished

Note: / apologize for the ambiguous end ing. Do understand. Thank youfor your corn-


oplwioric Masteries 11

Ibc Caec of tbc

Jamie Brown

Here's the second edition of the mystery thingersfor this year. This one takes place in Boston, not London. Jeamings moved.

The old friends sat dining together in one of Boston's most distinguished restaurants* The McElroy couple had just flown in from London to visit their good friend, Dr. Jeam ings. Once upon a time the three had solved

many a case together.

Now Mrs. McElroy

was a highly-respected psychiatrist and her husband a best-selling novelist "I met with some other psychiatrists at a convention not long before we left for Boston,^ Mrs. McElroy was saying. uSome spoke of an interesting project I thought

you'd like to consider."

"Oh? What of?" asked the detective. "Handwriting," the psychiatrist con tinued. "They were studying the ways a per son's handwriting can tell about their person ality. For instance, inconsistent handwriting can show a moody personality, while large spaces between words tells of a lack of moti vation."

"But that may not be a very consistent form of analysis," argued Detective Jeam ings, "for a dull topic can spark careless handwriting just as easily as an indifferent


"True," continued Mrs. McElroy, "as can different times of the day give cause for a subject having different styles of writing. However, a person's immediate mood, if not their overall personality, always shows through in their handwriting." Just then a young, stocky policemen bursts into the restaurant panting. "Detective!" he called. "Thank God I found you. I've been sent to find you. I would that I didn't need to."

Jeamings stood up from his chair. "Well,

what's the matter, Miles?" he asked.

"It's your neighbor, sir, Mr. Wellington. He's just been found dead at his office desk." "Good God!" gasped the detective. "What happened?" "It looks like suicide, sir. Apparently he collected all his personal documents, ail of his writings, and threw them into the fire place before sitting down at his office desk one last time and killing himself. In his hand

was a bottle of sleeping pills, half-empty. They would have moved the body, but I thought you should take a look at him first." "Thank you. I'll go at once." He turned to the couple now standing beside him and said, "I hope you'll forgive the interruption.

It is rather urgent."

"On one condition," Mr. McElroy said with a smug smile, "that you take us with you. Its been a good long while since we had

a go at one of your mysteries/*

With a grim laugh the detective said, "Of

course. But what makes you so sure there is a mystery involved?"

"The good policemen here would not have come to fetch you had he thought the suicide viable," answered Mr, McElroy. With that, Miles gave a quick smile, spun on his heel, and led the company out of the restaurant

Upon arriving at the scene Dr. Jeamings

felt a lump growing in his throat at the sight

of his dear old neighbor slumped over his desk, lifeless. Policemen strayed here and there. What just that morning had been the office of a cheerful old man had turned into a sight of investigation. What could have pos sessed him to kill himself, the detective won dered?

There seemed to be a tense awkwardness in the man's position, slumped over as he was. His head lay resting on a piece of yel low note paper. His right hand had fallen be side an upturned mug of water; his left clutched a small brown medicine bottleMrs. McElroy stood leaning over the sui cide note with her hands clasped behind her back. "He had a cheery disposition, so his writing tells me," she said. "Strange, though. It doesn't show the slightest hint of tension." Jeamings strode over to join the psychia trist. He bent over the note and saw that it was written with a flowery script, spaced

evenly, and slightly tilted to the left. "What made me suspicious/9 Miles be gan, striding over to join the others, "was the way he signed his name: 'Forever Yours,

Henry/ I'd known Mr. Wellington for close to fifteen years, and he always seemed to me a very practical person, always sincere; he al

ways took things literally.

Obviously, his

death has taken him away from his wife; he is no longer 'hers.' He would never have used that irony with his wife, especially in a

situation like this."

"You may be right," Dr. Jeamings noted, "but we can't be sure .. .yet I'd like to see some of his writings."

Tin afraid there's none left, sir," an swered Miles. "He burnt everything. Appar ently it was a big job; he collected everything

he'd ever written and destroyed it - all of it All the documents we have left of him are printed and published." "How truly odd," replied the detective. "I'd like to meet with Mrs. Wellington." "You're in luck," Miles said. "She's downstairs with the investigator right now." "Good," the detective said, "Lets go


Mr. and Mrs. McElroy stopped on the way downstairs to telephone for a cab. By

the time they came down Dr. Jeamings was already immersed in conversation with a middle-aged woman; Mrs. Wellington, as sumed the couple. A frail woman, she sat clutching a handkerchief in one hand. Her

eyes were red and puffy. She and the detec

tive sat on a small wooden bench, and the de tective held her hand while speaking in a soft, sympathetic tone. There was a pause in the conversation. Mrs. Wellington took a long, broken breath and sighed. "He was sitting at that very same desk," she began slowly. "He was leaning back in his chair, swerving back and

forth. His feet were crossed on the table. He

was twirling a pencil in his right hand, and had a teasing gnn on his face. I'll never for get that face. He seemed so at ease, as if nothing would ever break his peace. What deviltry could have possessed him to take his own life?" Jeamings sat up straight and smiled. "Nothing, Ms. Wellington," he said. "Your husband didn't kill himself; he was mur dered. The scene in his office was a set-up. We can be sure of that now."

What was it that let the detective confirm

everyone's suspicions? I'm putting the answer in the articley if anyone hasn 9t already figured it out. This time, however, in really small print: The writing on the suicide note was tilted to the left, implying that the writer was left-handed. Ms. Wellington said he was twilling the pencil in his right hand, so if he had actually written the note jt would be tilted to the right He didn't write it.


ART DEPARTMENT by Sebastian Strzalkowski

The Art Department has recently asked if they could release some of their artwork in "the Maya Pulse". They have come out with an interesting insight on the students and their thoughts about life, school, walnuts, etc...

Mrs. Ramirez is the head of the art de partment. She grew up in the American School in El Salvador. She has lived in many exotic countries in the world. She has four children and a lovely husband who also lives with her, in her house (as opposed to living

in a tree, I suppose...). Sometimes, he can be seen at school giving a helping hand to his

wife in moving artistic creations. You may have seen him helping move the mini-puppet stage during the play "Kiss Me, Kate".

Well, it's been fun reviewing these car toons, and now I have to go, hope you en

joyed reading and viewing the work of the Art Dept. and the little bio of Mrs. Ramirez.

Note: Due to technical difficulties (Read: laziness by the part of the editor), the pencil drawings submitted for this issue will appear on the next one. Another reason to buy is

sue three!

The cartoons found on next page have my seal of approval and all carry a running com mentary by Mr. Strzalkowski. So sit back,

pop open a can of Dole Radioactive Apple Milk-Shake, and enjoy the view. -Bubba Manson Editor in Chief

ftele minds of the senior cla

"Sick Minds of the Senior Class" by Daniela Lopez is a description of the senior class she is in. Many parts had to be censored since "it might influence the minds of the students that read this magazine"

Another Anthro Class

"Another Anthro. Class" by Carlos H. Victoria, is the 12th cartoon so far: An aerial view of his anthropology class and

it's students.

Let me rest for a while

This one portrays a students escape from homework into ding-dong land. Maybe Pat Yoo is trying to fullfill his fantasies through his art?

Paige Cunningham expresses many of students late nights at home.

Senior Chicks The Cool People"â&#x20AC;&#x201D;aitd Robin


Run Forrest, |


I liked this one, by Aaron Chock. I liked the aspect of the girls having balloon heads - get it? - "airheads". Anyhow, it's



This one is by Aaron Chock and it's nice. It's a cartoon of the 12th grade boys in front of the administration building. It shows Mr. Evil Jim Pastore running like the dickens.

'Am I the one who's weird?" What?! Don't you eat bugs?

GfiffiBOh UGS.

This one is by Teresa Membreno and is a cartoon of "Mr. Afro Head". Who could

that be?

This one, by Yoon Kim, represents all the "wonderfully nutritious" garbage the cafe teria forces us to swallow.

The Maya Pulse - Volume 2, Issue 2  

School magazine from Colegio Maya