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TilAN A LUNCH!

WML II


*.'

SenioR RerRear

96

-AL5O.

Towas Lin

An all accede, uncensored (and slightly distorted) view of the lifestyies of the SPAMs (Senioris Partius Animalus Maximus).

The ScaFF

Voliey&aii:

Maya Pulse a reality...

G;crRenie ArcForiti

8

A versatile account over the struggle between man and gravity as personified by the CM Boys' Volleyball team.. A prelude to the up coming AA5CA greatness.

CDaya's QrIs Voiiey&aii Team

10

with the challenge? What motivates them? Is Mr. Smith capable of handling the girls? Find out in this article

I |

A revealing account on how Mr. Smith tortures the girls with the you to know.

14

4=LAgav*d& Pabon

Maya agalnste Central America, will we suceed, find out In this re

alistic article taking you from the first moments at the airport to the return trip...

Kiss CDe Rare: A pRevieui

CoRneR

4

Mr. Pastore's quaterly take on life, death, and world

Arrenrion DisoRdeR

DeFicir

33

A serious look at a desease that disturbs the

excuse 'practice*. Learn everything 'big boss man* doesn't want

The AASCA Voiiey&ali TRip

AdvisoRS

other quintescential details of the grown-up

A new team, a new future, a new hope. How will Maya girls deal

On rhe Hop!

3

Meet the demented maniacs that make the

learning of many people. It is Informative and very very interesting

Copa CDaya

I 2

Copa Maya, a tradition that continues despite its many obstacles, take a look at how Maya does againe other teams.

Copa CDaya: behind rhe 13

scenes

See how Copa Maya is organized and set up.

I 6

Learn the secrets from Inbal the great

FReshpeople

Srars

43

'Kiss Me Kate', directed by the one and only Mr. "Amazing" Feia

Paul O'Suffivxarv

and gorgerous Mrs. Storey, are you ready for 90 minutes of ex-

All you needed to know about Freshmen, and

itement, what is the play about? Find out!

more.

RodeRCOs

Lisr

40

Nothing good on cable? This useful guide to rental mania will take

the load off your endless search for the perfect video store, not to mention your wallet.

Can 1 Ask (Jou A Quesrion?

24

Kyixng Ro

CM students are back from their summer beach sleeping sessions; but, are they ready to meet the pointless questions Kyung has prepared for them? Find out In "The Return"...

CDind &ogg1ing quesrions For rhe CRirninai1y insane 6y rhe CRiminaily insane

26

Ben 3atdizon and Paul O Sullivan

The title says it all, doesn't it? This amazingly amusing article by the Tube's dynamic duo challenging the reasoning abilities of CM

students (and teachers) with a mind-teaser Integrating alcohol, death, and Crlsco oil.

Useless

Facrs

34

Sebastian

Relax from reading the Pulse, look at a few

facts that are either amazing or simply stupid.

CDoRe

Useless Facrs

37

Ditto, dude.

The Editors of this STagazine would like to thanR Giovanni, for letting us use the Macs in the lab and helping us reach 100%MacOS. Mrs. Wescott for letting us use the library to work and type. Charlie in the photocopy room. All those who answered our annoying ques tions or let us use your creative pieces. Everyone who showed interest in the Pulse's creation. And last but not least, you, the reader who spent five Quetzales on our liF pet project. SAICARGEKKAD3EDUDSKNAHT

*


-Interviews

THE

lnceRviui uiich a DiReccoR Neui TeacheRs: The Smichs 5ienvcnido! CDs. HaRRis CDr. Smith!

-Reviews-

CaFereRia Food Kevietu TaiisreR The Croui: Cicq oF Angels CJLJho Arc rhe bcone Temple Pilocs

ARjona: 1 Could CaRe Less About CensuRe

Creative

Writing-

Neai ar CDaya: A CRue sroRy

Relive the fear, the anxiety, the anguish and the despair of the first day in a strange school. Shockingly realistic, Edgardo takes you back to a time many of us would like to forget.

SophornoRic

J

rnysceRies

46

The mayhem Inside a sophomore's mind is unleashed! Can you figure out the bizarre mechanics at work inside the mind of a tenth grader? Solve this classic "Who's who" mystery... If you darel

The beginning

48

Ro

The meaning of life? Amateur Philosopher Ryung Ko attempts to anewer

this question by cruising back in time and pondering upon the cosmos.

Ru66n DaRiof CDy heRot rny inspiRarion

50

A

This is the compelling true story of admiration towards the greatest La tin American poet, adorned with compelling poetry and an unforgettable tenderness.

JouRnals FRorn Gnglish Class

51

Ben 3aldizon

An assortment of amazing etorlee by the senior class. Find out what four years of hlghechool does to the once-eane senior minds as they un veil chaos through their writings.

The ThinkeR

55

Kyt%ncf Ro

A drooling puppy in the rain tells his life story. A tale about oppression, world-domination and doggie chow.

BS

57

Tke /vÂťakcd Ape Volte

An Insane tale about ex-cop Weschester 3utlugge and his new amazing adventures. One of Naked Ape's Classics...

...OJirh The SHy CleaR and Blue...

58

Tke Naked Ape Vafle

Following the tradition of 4f3S' and other great short stories, The Naked Ape brings us another Insane tale with Sandy and his Incredible pet cock roach...


By: Mr. Pastore

I

sometimes

wonder

what the heck I'm doing running a Publications class... especially when the end of the quarter comes around and grades

2nd quarter edition.

On to the new staff... Headlining our pro duction crew is Tomas "just kidding" Lin (12th grade). Tomas has become our defacto Editor in Chief by virtue of his writing and computing skills. All of the new features this

year- computer graphics, computer enhanced

inspire the rest of you out there to also produce and submit your crea tions to us. I know that we are planning to put a

photos, the cover design, etc., are due to his computing experience. Tomas is also helping the rest of the staff to polish their articles, and has taken on the added responsibility of trying to help me to proofread the magazine. Edgardo "spanky" Pabon (11th) is not only a new addition to the staff, but also to the school. He comes to us from Costa Rica, and brings a pas sion for sports coverage that will help us to round out the school news portions of the PULSE. In 10th grade we have Ben "leave me alone!" Baldizon, Jaime "who, ME?" Brown, Luisa "D.C."Meyerman, Kyungwan "Just call me Kyung " Ro, Inbal "too cool" Mazar, and Pslu1"@#z%L$...*&#@" O'Sullivan. I certainly hope that they can keep their enthusiasm for the whole school year (even though they are driving me nuts right now!), because they form the nucleus of a future for the magazine. In 9th grade Roberto "You mean I have to WRITE in this class???" Castaner, Giancarlo "the crusher" Valle and Sebastian "if you break the law, you got ta pay the price" Strzalkowski bring a wealth of ideas to the staff. Of course why they are crazy enough to want to spend TWO peri ods a day with me, I'll never know...Of course, the sky IS a different color in their world... One thing that I want all of you to remem ber- we welcome submissions of material at any time during the year. So please get articles, short stories, poetry, cartoons, etc. to any of the staff or to me in room S-20 in the High School. Both the Christmas issue and the end of the year issue are special issues dedicated to crea tive writing. Help us out!!!

English classes in the

very strange trip this year. But, the stranger, the better!!!

are due,and the publish ing deadline has to be met. Well... newsflash. We missed our first deadline...surprise, sur

prise. Seems that I'd for gotten what a huge has

sle actually getting the magazine to print was at the end of the first quar ter last year; seems that I can only remember how smooth the whole staff was by the end of the

fourth quarter last year, after a whole year of practice. However, this year the Maya PULSE has a completely new set

of staff members, so we basically have to reinv ent the wheel again. The good news is that the group in Publications is very energetic and eager to write. You will notice

hat a lot more creative writing is appearing in this first issue of the year. Hopefully, this will

lot of the poetry and short stories done in

So...bear with us. It should be a very long,


SENIOR RETREAT ' Tfte SdU, t&ÂŤ Beacft and a wftole bancft of

TOMAS "SLIGHTLY DEMENTED SENIOR #6" LlN

What do you get when you set free one counselor, two stressed-out teachers, and twenty-six smelly, sweaty seniors on the

beach for three days? Chaos?, havoc?, corn? No, it is the 1996 Scudo-Salutaris Senior

Retreat!!!!!!!

For all of you who were wondering why almost every member of the senior class

came back to school on the third week of school year two shades darker, the senior re treat is a seniors-only, invitational event in which almost every senior gets away from the daily hazards of school to "plan their academic future" while sipping type O nega tive chicken blood and smoking Cuban ci gars* on the beach (The senior retreat has also been attributed to be the leading cause of seniorities and has already pushed three former teachers towards insanity). Anyway, this year's senior retreat mani fested itself from Friday August 23th to Sunday 26th. Friday began as any other sol emn school day; the skies were dark, and the zombie-like expression on the students4 faces showed no sign of life as their me chanical movements slowly pushed them in side their classrooms. However, at 0900 hours, a group of over-packed, heavily-ex cited seniors came strolling down the stairs from the secondary building and congregat ed around the "Maya Plaza" (a.k.a. big block of cement at entrance to school). After shar ing a Kodak moment and an emotional hom ily by Dr. Pasquale, the group of seniors rap idly evacuated school and kowtowed to the

mysterious forces of freedom.

The bus made a stop at Burger King, where seniors shared their last decent meal, and then embarked on a lengthy ride atop a mentally disturbed road. After three hours of rain, mud and guerrilla Snipers, the group fi nally arrived at Likin (li'h' KIN). However, toxic waters separated the group from paradise. After losing two sen

iors to crocodiles, overlords Pastore and Berke decided to hire small boats towards the beach

house kindly offered by Mrs. Petricevic to the senior class. Amid the horrible heat, the first boat was sent to scout the green waters. When the boat driver returned after he bravely es caped from the alien concentration camp inside the waters, die twei advisors hired two more boats, hoping that one of them would make it through the shark-infested river. Jorge "studmaster supreme" Cortes was "stuck" in a boat surrounded by nine gorgeous senior maid ens while everyone else drooled on the other side of the river, hugging only the water bottles that would later save their lives. After the flock of seniors arrived on the other shore, slave master Pastore forced them to unload the shipment of water, eggs, milk, human heads, goat hearts, Peruvian Rum and Doritos into the house. Some seniors decided to show off their dislexia-induced one percent body fat bodies and disrobed, while the other,

more conservative, seniors decided to not do

this in public. After Pastore sensed, in his strangely disfigured body, announced freedom from organized religion until six o'clock (in a sixty dollar pay-per-view speech seen in two Middle-Easten countries), the manly seniors and the beautiful seniorettes teleported them selves to the beach, hoping to capture a bit of

Poseidon's fury.

After three hours of an endless pursuit for a suntan, the tired seniors dragged their bodies

back to the beach house, where a wonderful feast of (what seemed liked) spaghetti and gourmet bread awaited them. A superhuman display of pigging-out ensued, where Abdias Irrizary, twelfth grade's version of a giant, managed to swallow and regurgitate a smaller

member of the senior class.

The class of '97 then sat together in a circle and started to play really bizarre games. The first one was a really violent version of musical chairs called "I like people who", which only


resulted in the dismemberment of someone who fell and shattered an unbreakable plas tic chair. The second activity consisted in a tell-all in which antisocial seniors got to share their deepest, darkest secrets with someone they barely knew so that the other person could introduce them to the class. It was a rather pleasant experience, where two

of three serial killers of the class decided to confess their true emotions. As the night fell over its big round head, the seniors were set free to do whatever their sweet little hearts desired. Since cow-tipping was not morally accepted by all, the group unanimously de

cided to go to the beach. The selective cult of seniors slow ly roamed towards the waves under the pitch dark blanket of the night. After ransacking a few villages and combating the mad dogs that jealously guarded the beach, the party finally ar rived to their desti nation. The senior's repressed adolescent hormones were un leashed, and soon the music of six strings pleasantly combined with the waves and the deep

to the beach and have their backs broken by twelve feet high shore breaks.

After the short break, the three authority figures continued the bonding process by hold ing more bizarre games. The first consisted of everyone taking a hand from two different peo ple and tangling their paws beyond recogni tion. The whole purpose of the game was to form a circle by slid ing people around. As the complex dy namics of the game puzzled the brightest of the seniors, they did what everyone else would do:

cheat!

After the seniors were freed, another game was forced upon the seniors by our disturbed men tors. This second game consisted of making four people walk simultaneously on top of a wooden

Class

philosophical conversations engaged at the beach (i.e. "Whoa, dude, check out

those waves!","Pass the insect repellent!").

After four hours of mindless fun, the seniors returned to the beach house one by one. However, a few overactive senior girls satisfied their desire to become sea nymphs and dove into the peaceful blue waters of the swimming pool. Of course, a few guys couldn't resist the call of nature and joined them almost immediately. Their playful voices echoed throughout the night. And, as most seniors fell asleep, the soft call of "Oscar, are you dead?" slowly cruised through their ears and into the thin air of the Pacific ocean.

The next morning, the batch of homo-senioris awoke to the wonderful scent of hotcakes and the loud, screechy "wake up, everybody" of drill-Sargent Pastore. As the seniors finished devouring breakfast, some decided to stay in the pool and swim while others decided to go

Picture?

board. The brave seniors continued

despite the blood on

their feet and succeeded in complet ing the challenging feat. The final attempt to truly hurt the students was called "free fall". This post-apocalyptic creation consisted of making nets with human arms to catch falling seniors. After a few nerve wrenching moments, the games were declared terminated and everyone disappeared. Two hours later, the seniors took their an thropomorphic form once again and gathered around the pool for an excitingly boring pro crastination by Mr. Pastore and Mr. Berke re garding "the future of the senior class". Then, Mrs. Winterowd took over and gave them a very very long speech about the extremely stressful college application process.


The senior class then proceeded towards the beach to make anatomically correct sand figures, gather wood for pyromaniatic pur poses and attempt to drown unwanted ele ments of the class. After enjoying the strangely colored sun set and having their stomachs filled with microwaved pizzas, A senior gathering was held at the beach. Scoutmaster Berke dem onstrated his special abilities by starting a giant bonfire in the middle of the beach. And globos (non-polluting small-scale paper balloons driven by radioactive reactions and little hamsters forced to breathe heavily) that represented the hopes and dreams of the sen ior class were released. Of course, the sen iors panicked when they saw one of the globos blow up in mid air. As the small pieces fell from the dark skies to the even darker wa ters, the seniors slowly real ized that every one of their hopes and dreams had just suffered a slow and agonizing death.

forbidden zone. While awaiting for the little yellow mobile trash can to take them home, a closure activity was conducted. This attempt to boost senior self-esteem consisted of each per son writing a positive quality of everyone else of the group in a 8.5 x 5.5 piece of paper. Be fore the little purple beings living in sandcastles on top of giant shoes made out of wood could say "otorrinolaringologo", the seniors rushed into the bus, hoping a quick return to the pleasures of their decadent existence and their soft, comfy beds. As the local heroes returned to the city, they were greeted by a giant parade and given the key to the city. Then, the senior class de clared world peace, saved the whales and dis covered the cure for all human and animal diseases. They be came instant celebri ties, filmed a com mercial for Nike, had statues erect

ed in all major cities and be came the cen tral characters for a song by As the seniors the Chili Pep returned one by pers. Thou one from the wet, sandy sands of books were beach, they were puzzled published about the subject and the movie by the locked bathroom rights are still being mystery. Apparently, an Everyone deserves a controlled dose of fought over by thirty entity whose forces are still insanity once in a while" major motion picture unknown managed to seal companies. Today, the senior class is still pur one of two bathrooms by using the powers suing happiness, serenity and the recipe for of sangria branch of dark magic, making it Cocoa Puffs inside the Colegio Maya campus. inaccessible to all beings overlive feet three in height. Fortunately, Daniela Lopez saved the day with her special wall climbing abili ♌DISCLAIMER: Many of the memories ties. The overactive girl with a death wish from the retreat were repressed in my mind due managed to walk over an one inch wide ce to their painful implications, therefore, some of ment strip that separated her from her de

mise and climbed inside the bathroom using only a pair of sandals and a right arm. She later repeated the feat in slow-motion for the fascinating Technicolor documentary filmed by members of the senior class (Coming soon to a VCR near you.). Two days and a zillion mosquito bites later, the entire class packed up and left the

the facts stated above might be slight distor tions of reality, by reading this you free the au thor of any responsibilities towards false claims in this article. All names have been

used with the consent of Krishna. samoT ot yenom evig lliw uoY ŠCopyright 1996, Satanic Cookies Incor porated.


CDaya Boys vs. rhe CUoRld Edgardo Pabon

A volleyball is a small round white ball that can look very simple to hit but every time it hits the ground, many things come to your mind (such as the end of an existing life, which started with a serve, and ends with the loud scream from the player that couldn't get to the ball). Everything in this game suggests excitement. When you come

to practice, you realize that volleyball is more than a simple game, it is a game of sacrifice in which you practice every day, just for a couple of sets played in a game in which you may not even play, but anyways you are there to show people (and even yourself), that you can rise above all those guys that like you also want to be in the team.

There were about 12 people on the first day of practice(the second day of classes) and there were more people coming for the following ones. Whoever thought that Mr. Pastore's coaching style was just to maybe do some laps, some drills, some stretching, and then just play ball was totally wrong. The first thing he said was: "come on guys, do 4 laps around the basketball court". The team was really surprised after listening to those words; we just couldn't believe that we had to run for a volleyball practice. But any way, we ran and did the stretching. Then we

thought that now was the time for doing some ball handling. But to our surprise the worst was just coming. We then did crabs, and then we did a 4 times 3 thing, which consisted of 4 laps in 3 different speeds ar ound the basketball court. And since Mr. Pastore wasn't tired, he decided that we should do some steps, too. The entire team really wanted to kill him, but after that, the

scrimmage was O.K. Once the practice was over there was no player that did not enjoy it. At each practice coach showed us that in any sport conditioning was one of the most im portant things. After a few practices the first game came. It was on a Thursday and I re member most of the team was very nervous. It was one of those games in which the team doesn't have uniforms and nobody had knee pads, or even the same color of shorts. At this

time the team was already there. It consisted of Abdias I., Kevin B., Javier L., Oscar S., Dan L., Li-tsai C, Edgardo P., Sergio C, and Al

bert D. (There were more people, but later on they decided to quit). The people who started in this game looked really calm, and maybe they were since they were the most experi enced ones, but the ones on the bench, includ ing me, were really shaking. Anyway, we en joyed the game although we lost the first set. We were losing, but who cares? it was only our first game. I don't know if Mr. Pastore realized that, but he looked really worried and on every single point he jumped onto the court and gave us new instructions on how to solve situations like the one we just went through. In the first set the team looked really calm and, although they lost, it looked like a good start for a team that had never played together. From there on the team played good and they won the second set by 2 points. So the third set came and we lost it by a small difference just as in the first, only that this was a rally point set. We never knew what the coach thought of this first game but it was a good start anyway. Playing for Colegio Maya feels good since all the parents are there supporting you and you don't realize that until you play for the school. I had played volleyball for the B level


in Costa Rica and I can say that here it is not the same. There, the only people supporting you were the coach and the bench, since no body came to watch the games, not even af

ter we won the B level championship at Lin

coln school. But you're probably not inter ested in that, so I'll continue with the origi

nal story. As I was saying we

lost the game, just like

the girls. After that first

game the only thing left was to keep on with our practices and focus on that second scrimmage game. So after some practices we had our second game, and I think we played very

well. The team got used to playing and started

communicating and do ing good positioning. We won the first set easily and then in the second, coach got all the people on the bench to play. Even though we had a small team we won the second set too, and decided to play a third in order to have more practice. Well, we won that third too. We now knew that we were ready to go to Copa Maya. Our first day of Copa Maya was a total mess. First we got to

school on that Saturday at 8:00 a.m. to be able to attend to the inauguration. The inau guration didn't start until 8:45 and then Mr. Pastore told us that the game wouldn't start until 12:00 so some of us just thought that we could leave and then come back at 12:00 or whenever the game started. But when Mr. Pastore heard that, he decided that we couldn't leave the campus until the game. We couldn't even go to Burger King to buy some food. At exactly 12:00 the game start ed. The girls had played and they had won. Now it was our turn and we had to give a good impression since we were the hosting

team of the tournament, and our girls had won. The day before some of our players didn't stay for practice, so Mr. Pastore was not playing them. We had our 6 starters that could play, since they did came to practice. We won the first easily, but in the second set things got more complicated. Mr. Pastore called a time out, and I remember exactly what he said: "You know guys, the people on the bench, I can put them in. But I won't, because they didn't come to prac tice, and I know you can win this game for me". At this moment some of the team's players decided to

quit since they wer

en't playing. We lost that set and in the ral ly point we were also losing, but we came back and won it. We had won our first game, and that was good. But now we had to play what can be called the toughest game, against the toughest team: Colegio Americano. The practices for that game were the same as al ways, but we played our worst game out there. At the end nobody was able to ex

plain what had happened, but what was for sure was that we had lost and we all wanted revenge. We won our next two games. One was played and we won it on two sets. The next one we won it since the other team didn't show up. Then we played C.A.G. again and we had to win in order to have a shot at the cham pionship. And we did, and we also won the second game against Americano since they didn't show up. At the end of Copa Maya we got second, and Americano took both first places, boys and girls. We did good as a Boy's team, and the only thing left was AASCA but that is another article in this magazine


Ben Baldizon

This year volleyball season started as

soon as school did and anyone who wanted

to join the team had to hit the ground run ning. The first practice was Tuesday the 13th, the second day of school. This may sound ridiculous but it was necessary since they had their first game on Thursday the 22 (which they lost to Suizo Americano), their second game on Wednesday the 28 (which they also lost, this time to Christian Acade my), and Copa Maya started on Saturday the thirty-first.

The coach this year is one of the new teachers, Mr. Smith, who teaches High School History and Anthropology (more on Mr. Smith in this magazine). Mr. Smith has

never coached high school volleyball, or

girls of any age for that matter, but he want ed to coach the team and he seems very en thusiastic about it (in his own little way). The team is very young this year, con sisting of mostly feshwomen and soph

omores.

Mr. Smith reports that they are

hard working and have a great attitude but they flirt too much (especially some anony mous freshmen girls). The team is still learning to just play volleyball but they have great ability, talent, and attitude.

I asked Mr. Smith how he thought the girls would do Copa Maya and AASCA wise and he thinks they will do well consid

ering their talent and enthusiasm but he real ly can't say more than this because he hasn't seen any of the other teams. Mr. Smith also says that if the girls play their hardest and

improve that he won't care if they lose all their games because it will have been worth

it.

Following are some quotes from various girls on the volleyball team in response to: Why did you join the team,? What do you think of the team? and What do you think about the coach?

Vanessa Carbonell: I joined because I like the sport and I have to get in shape. I think we are doing really good and we are improving daily. Mr. Smith has a lot of confidence in us. Monica Garcia: I joined the team be cause I like volleyball and I wanted to do a sport. I think we have improved a lot from the way we were at the beginning. Our techniques are a lot better. The coach is confident in us

and he's taught us a lot.

Mary Joe Lent: I joined because volley ball is interesting and I love it. The team is re ally united and they all love volleyball. They're a fun team. The coach is really nice. He's a really good coach.

Melissa Leon: I joined because I enjoy playing sorts. The team has a lot of talent. Mr. Smith is a good coach. He knows what he's

doing.

Mr. Smith hopes to once again teach the girls volleyball team next year and he hopes to see a lot of the people from this year there again (barring the seniors, of course). Mr. Smith's final comment to the team: "The me is the servant of the we."


Jamie Brown

If I ever find the indolent moron who in vented whistles, God knows what I'd do to him. The logical motive behind blowing the players' eardrums out in order to accomplish the otherwise simple and relatively harmless task of getting their attention, if one exists, has yet to be made clear to me. Coach Smith seems to express a differ ent attitude toward "Old Trusty." We start off each practice by responding to the dread ed Whistle, like trained house pets. We must keep a constant eye on our ever-moving coach to ensure that we are in a ready posi tion to sprint to his side, "on the hop," at the sound emanating from that awful metal de vice, resembling somewhat that which might otherwise be heard coming from a group of drowning rats. On the other hand, aside from the means by which he keeps us "in line," Coach Smith has accommodated pretty well to coaching us girls, seeing as how this is his first time dealing with the ever-impossibleto-understand female gender (in sports, that is). He is really good at giving speeches on the spot, and can be really sympathetic when a problem arises. Volleyball is an interesting game. One less familiar with the sport might assume

that not as much physical strain is put on the players as with, say, soccer. However, ac cording to Michelle Wiater, a member of the girls' varsity team, we are liable to run more during a volleyball practice than she had during soccer season last year NOTE: you just WAIT until soccer starts THIS year, Michele... Mr. Pastore). Mr. Smith calls it "conditioning," and had us do this relentless ly for the first few weeks of practice before letting us slack off a bit. He has avoided us athletes giving these exercises our own nick names by strategically working our rear ends off to such an extent that we are too dead af ter every practice even to think. Then again,

once we get our energy levels back to normal, I

admit that it does feel pretty good. Aside from that demonic device he wears around his neck, Coach Smith's training has paid off. With all the conditioning and funda mentals, we still love playing a team that com pletely smothered us two weeks earlier and just whooping the shanoonoo out of them. Okay, so we've only done that once - against Chris tian Academy. And it was a rather close game. But it was still a pretty incredible comeback, considering the scores at the ends of the first couple of games we played. We have im proved dramatically since the beginning of the year, according to The Coach. Plus, we are a "young team"; most of us haven't played to gether before, and experience is one of our weak spots. But time will cure that For a school this size there was a good turnout of players trying out this year; 20 in all. And here they are (in no particular order):

NAME Melissa Leon Amanda Rhodes Mary Joe Lent Maricel Castaner Debra Walsh Ana Garcia Ana Teresa Mayrides Robin Orlansky Alice Chen Michelle Wiater Maria D. Barrera Jamie Brown Vanessa Carbonell Monica Garcia Luisa Meyerman Maria Koch Maggie Rhodes Marionell Coolen Mariana Raskosky

NUMBE 16 1 40 8 3 2 10 7 6 29 15 19 13 14 24

20 33 25 5

<Continues on page 37>


COPA MAYA... The Tradition Continues... Edgardo Pabon

Over the last couple of years, Copa Maya has turned into a tradition at our school. This year is not an exception. The 1st Copa Maya of the year is for volleyball, and there are 5 schools participating in it. Las Cumbres, Christian Academy ( C.A.G.), Piermount, Colegio Americano, and of course the hosting school, Colegio Maya, are the teams in this year's tournament. The

teams are all on the same level of competi

tion, and each team has its own strategy. All of them are capable of winning, but, as in all

tournaments, there is a favorite.

Colegio Americano is the traditional

power, and this always makes it the favorite to win; not only Copa Maya, but all the tour naments it is involved in. It is the team with more practice, more years of being together, and they also don't have the problem of hav ing to change seasons every time since they have enough students to play on each sport. Colegio Maya, of course, was the other fa vorite, not only because they were the host ing team, but because this year they have a really good team. They have been wining some games, practicing hard, and playing

their best, which is the most important thing. There is not that much known about Colegio Piermount. They came and played their best, and at the end they even won the fair play

award, mentioned on the last day of the tour nament, and that speaks very good about them. C.A.G. showed lots of improvement

as the tournament went on, and their girls

team took second place over the Maya team. Las Cumbres didn't show that much, since they missed most of their games. In the first round of Copa Maya nothing unexpected happened. Colegio Americano won all of their games easily , boys and girls, and only their boys lost one set;

against Piermount. Maya won 3 of their 4 first games, with the loss against Americano, 2-0 on the boys team. The Maya girls won 2 and lost 2, against Americano and C.A.G. Piermount boys and girls both won 1 and lost 3. C.A.G. boys and girls finished their first round 2 and 2, and at the end Las Cumbres had lost all of their games in both boys and girls, mostly be cause they didn't show up.

The second round was mostly the same, with 2 differences on the boys side. Americano lost against Maya since they didn't show up, and Piermount beat Maya in the worst game the Maya team has ever played. At the end the most expected thing hap pened: Americano won both of the trophies for boys and girls. Boy's second place was for Colegio Maya and third for Piermount. The girls' second place was C.A.G., and third our Colegio Maya girls' team. The final Copa Maya standings were:

TEAM

W-L

boys: 1.Americano 2.Maya 3.Piermount

4.C.A.G. 5.Las Cumbres

7-1 6-2 44 3-5 1-7

girls: 1.Americano 2.C.A.G.

3.Maya 4.Piermount 5.Las Cumbres

8-0 6-3 5-4 1-7 0-8


COVA

MAYA: Bellini) the Scevies Inbal Mazar

This year I have found that Copa Maya gets better and better. Copa Maya has been going on for four (4) years now, and we are all proud to say that it is an honor and a privilege to be able to be part of competi tions, weather we are participating in the athletic department, organizing, decorating, or simply cheering for our school. This year we began our 4th Copa Maya with an inaugural ceremony, which began at 8:20 A.M. Our masters of ceremony where ASAF Maser and Christina Miller, they be gan by telling all the students, parents, and people present what a privilege it was to be participating and speaking in representation for our school for two years. They told us what Copa Maya was to them, and how much they enjoyed being up there ( on the stage that is ). Let me tell you they did a great job that morning, full of enthusiasm, and ready to get out there and speak. Later after the national anthem, Asaf and Cristina introduced Mr. Dennis Tangeman, our High School Director. He gave us his welcoming words, cheered on the teams, and told us to do our best. We thank Mr. Tangeman for being there at our schools Copa Maya.... we understand he has a busy schedule, but he never fails to be there for us and represent what we call Club Maya. Thanks A million Mr. Tangeman!!!! After the welcoming words from Mr.

Tangeman our volleyball coaches Mr. Brad W. Smith ( girls volleyball coach), and Mr. Jim Pastore ( Boy volleyball coach) received the trophies won last year by the Maya girls, and the Christian Academy boys. Thank you Mr. Smith, and Mr. Pastore for being able to partic ipate on such short notice. After the receiving of the trophies came Luisa Meyerman with an interesting poem, called "Philosophy," which helped us under stand what the philosophy of our athletic de partment, and our school is. To make it short the poem was about trying, and giving it your best ( to sports of course... and maybe even school). And at last came Mrs. Carbonell who gave the inaugural serve... oops, she missed the first shot, but don't worry, she made the second shot... and very nicely done! Thank you Mrs. Carbonell, and all the mothers who helped out for the 4th Copa Maya. And for the decoration committee they did a super job.... it showed how committed our school is to making our Copa Maya great!!!! So that was our 4th Copa Maya.... and I have to conclude that I was pleased with the results, all the teams were happy to be partici pating, and they gave it their best.... and still are! Our closing ceremony will be September 28th so try to come and cheer our teams on....and join the fun!


Edgardo Pabon

It all began as a normal school day, bor

ing, as usual, but the excitement in the faces of all those who were wearing the blue Tshirts with the volleyball logos could be de

tected miles away. These people were repre senting our school in the most important in ternational tournament in Central America, where all international schools came togeth er with one mission: play volleyball. At 12:00 a.m. the AASCA volleyball team was ready to roll, some tearful eyes, some cheerful faces. In common the un known future, the games yet to be played, and hopefully won. The long wait at the air port, was annoying, for we were all filled with anxiety. The flight seemed longer than it should, because we had assigned seats, and our very own coach Pastore wouldn't let us change. I

guess he had a point, for it would all be chaos. But anyway the flight was O.K. and the food was O.K. and everything else you get on a plane was O.K. When we got to Costa Rica, it was a totally different thing. It seemed that we were free, and that we were independent adults capable of taking care of ourselves, and having an inde pendent life just ruled by our nice coaches. The next thing was getting introduced to our hosts, and then going home. The people from Marian Baker School (M.B.S.) were waiting for us at the airport, and then they took us to the school where all the hosts were waiting for us. Then we went to sleep in our new homes, since next day we were having the inauguration, and our first game. The inauguration took place at Country Day School (C.D.S), which was the hosting


school for the entire tournament. There they introduced all the schools participating in the tournament, and then we had to listen to the national anthems of all the countries of Central America. Afterward the school's band played a song from the movie Star Wars. Then we were free and we had to go to Lincoln School where we were having our first games. Since the girls had two games that day, they played first against

Lincoln School. They lost, and so did the boys in their first game against Escuela Sampedrana from Honduras. After the first girls game we were having the first study period of the week, which was almost two hours long. Then the boys played and lost, and then the girls played their second game and lost too. That night we had to be at home at 10:00

since coaches were going to make phone calls to see if we were home. So we all were at home before 10:00 and the coaches never called. The next day, we were each playing, only one game, and we were playing at M.B.S. Since the games were late, we start ed the day with a study period, in which Mr. Smith decided to make a quiz for his AP US. History class and also for his Social Study class. After an interesting quiz, we were ready to play ball. So the boys left, and they were playing the defending champions, which according to Mr. Pastore, the Maya team could beat. Those guys were so good, that they could spike with their eyes closed, and their hands tied to their backs, and of course we were going to win. Well we lost 15-0 and 15-5 and the girls lost too after the boys did. But no big deal. We just had one more game, and we were out of the tourna ment, and that was it for the Maya team. We could just hope that we could win at least one game and to go home proud of having won one game.

That night something different hap pened. As the day before, we had to be home at 10:00, and the coaches were sup posedly going to make phone calls. So that night we all went out and some of the peo ple, afraid of what could have happened, de cided to go back home on time, and no prob lem. But there were some others that thought

that since the night before the coaches didn't call, that night they weren't going to call either. They all stayed out by a little bit more than 10:00 and when the coaches called, they wer en't home yet. They all got home before 10:30 but it was too late and they were found guilty. So on Friday, we were expecting the worst. A very high level of tension could be smelled from miles away. The coaches just talked to us one by one, and asked to tell them the truth. Mr. Pastore talked to the boys, and Mr. Smith to the girls. After that the results were clear. At first people who weren't home couldn't play. The girls weren't playing, since six of their ten people weren't home, and just four were aloud to play. For the boys it was different since four of their starters were the ones not home the night before, but the four people in the bench and two other starters were home, so they could play with exactly six. The other two parts of the punishment were that on Saturday that we weren't going to have a curfew limit, but now it was set at 11:00 and the ones not home by the time expected, would not play the basketball season nor the soccer season. How ever the coaches checked up on what happened the night before and found out that most of the problems was due to the hosts. So the boys played first, and the punish ment was forgotten but the lesson was learned. The six starters played that game, and we real ly hoped we could win. We showed that we were better than them, but we lost the same way. The girls punishment was also taken

away, and they all played, but5just as the boys they lost too. That day we went home earlier, since the tournament was over, and the only thing left was coming back to Guatemala. So on our last night we had to be back at 11:00, and I'm sure everybody was. As the night be fore the coaches never called. The next day we were all at the airport at 8:00 a.m. We were some happy because we wanted to see our families but on the other hand we were sad because the time to be inde pendent adults was over. But we had a great flight on our way back, and a big crowd was waiting for us at the airport. We all came to gether for the last time in the volleyball season, and said our magic words: "Bibidi Babidi Boo". Then we all went home, and started waiting for the basketball season to start.


Ki188 CD e Kare A Jamie Brown

This year's high school musical will once again be directed by Joe Fiea, with mu

sical director Kjerstine Storey and costumes

and set design by Jan Ramirez. It is the Broadway musical "Kiss Me Kate," a play about a group of actors in the 1940fs per

forming a "spoof on Shakespeare," as says Mrs. Ramirez; a comical version of Shake speare's "The Taming of the Shrew."

Mr. Feia has high hopes for this year's musical. He has directed a number of plays at Maya, and he expects this one to be "the most fun we've ever had putting on a show." Mr. Feia chose this play for several rea sons. First off, he liked the type of parts it presented. The costumes also appealed to him. He wanted a change, and feels this play is the one that'll do it. It will be the first big high school production Maya has put on without the convenience of the thea ters at IGA or the American School. Maya's

very own gym will be turned into a theater

"that is going to amaze people," says the en thusiastic director. "We're trying stuff we've

never tried before," he adds.

Miss Storey is in charge of all music and choreography for "Kiss Me Kate." This is her fifth time as musical director for a Maya play, and her third time dealing specifically with the high school's musicals. The music presented in this production is typical of the time during which the play takes place. "We're trying to keep the quasi, 40's-style tap dancing," says Miss Storey. "Some people may think it's cor ny, but that's how they danced." Mrs. Ramirez, head of costume and set design, also seems to think this year's musical will be a success. This is her first time work ing with one of Maya's high school musicals, but she seems nonetheless ready for the job. She plans for a dully-colored set to contrast the flashy outfits that will be worn on stage. There will be two types of costumes, the first being realistic 40's wear and the second colorful, fun, exaggerated; the latter intended for the perfor mance of "Kiss Me Kate," the play inside the play.

This being the first big production without


a professional theater, Ramirez predicts that this will be a "real challenge for the set crew." The entire stage and all sets will be constructed right here at Maya; from the curtain pulley system to a real working fountain. It will be staged like last year's "100 Years of Broadway," but taken to a higher extent. So far, the cast for "Kiss Me Kate" is as

Dance Ensamble (continued...) Nathan Lee Kyung Ro Ellen Yoon Paige Cunningham Katherine Gonzales Maria Koch Ana Mercado Maggie Rhodes Reinier Spruijt

Fred Graham/Petruchio... Lilli Vanessi/Katherine...

There is also a long list of set crew members for "Kiss Me Kate." They are as follows:

follows:

Abdias Irizarry

Vanessa Bergonzoli Lois Lane/Bianca... Alison Lugo Bill Calhoun/Lucentio... Kevin Baldizon Hattie.. Amanda Rhodes Gagsters... Alison Shwarz Dan Luna Harrison Howell... Jeff Brown Harry Trevor/Baptista... Tomas Lin Sam the Stage Manager... Maria Estrada Pauline... Rana Hamdy Doorman... Debra Walsh Gremio... Jorge Cortes Hortensio... Sung Wan Ro Cab Driver... Ben Baldizon Haberdasher... Asaf Mazar Petrucio's Servants... Maggie Rhodes Maria Koch Paige Cunningham Singing Ensemble: Alice Chen Elizabeth Luk Robin Orlansky Jamie Brown Vanessa Carbonell Mira Cho Yoon Kim Dance Ensemble: Daniela Lopez Loretta Luk Ayumi Sakamoto Sergio Cortes ValerioDeMeo Jennifer Garber Javier Lacayo Andrea Damarceno Jason Peterson Ben Baldizon Kristin Gonzales

Fly System

Costumes

Stage Manager Lights Props

Sound

Sets

Magnus Franklin Miguel Turner

Suzanne Polanco Ana Teresa Mayrides Jennifer Peterson Jennifer Cintron Marcus Holla

Mariana Raskosky Mary Joe Lent Mario Chicas Esteban Fanjul

Aaron Chock Woo-chul Hwang Carlos Victoria Paul O'Sullivan Alex Petricevich Albert Delgado Adrian Devoto Chip Chester Gustavo Andrade

The plot of "Kiss Me Kate" revolves ar ound an ex-couple, played by Abdias Irizarri and Vanessa Bergonzoli, who are thrown to gether in this play. Things seem to be going fine until Lois Lane (Alison Lugo) steps in. It takes a couple of gangsters and a lot of persua sion to keep Lilli (Vanessa) from running off in the middle of a show to her rich fiance. You'll see what happens November 22 ...


Irjfervje# Wjfh fhe Djrecfer: Beyond the gafef of fhe jroqf office Luisa Meyerman

Behind the teachers, the principals, the students and the frustrating books there is a man, the ALMIGHTY Dr. Fred Pascuale Pascuale . The MAN who greets us in the morning when get out of our bus or car, and tells us whether our clothing is appropriate. So, now let me take a few minutes of your time and introduce you to the MAN. Born on August 18th 1935 in Bellaire, Dr. Fred Pascual describes himself as "kind",

although an oxymoron when addressing a director, and maybe a tad ironic, one must agree with him. When asked about his fami ly Dr. Pascuale Pascal enthusiasticly men tions being blessed with seven children, ranging from 22 to 34 years of age, and four wonderful grandchildren. It is then one un derstands why he has no desire to go back into the past but instead live the present, although he would like to spend some time with old friends. Out of curiosity, I asked him where he would like to go, if he could

go anywhere in the world or beyond; anoth er planet, was his answer. Why? For the same reason I asked him that specific ques

tion. His kindness and dedication is reflected in his enthusiasm towards his work . His biggest accomplishment is having been di rector of three outstanding American inter national schools. His greatest wish, to be the best director Colegio Maya has ever had . Moving on to school matters, I asked him about Colegio Maya's biggest strengths, which are; the learning enviorment of the school, it's students, staff, teachers (I can't imagine why) and above all the counseling and support offered to the students and par ents, concerning the students' grades and

emotional problems. The weaknesses of the school are very few he says, and in the thirty

years as an educator, Colegio Maya has been

the finest teaching environment he has worked in, although facility wise it is still somewhat weak; an auditorium would be quite useful and swimming facilities for more physical educa tion activities would be much appreciated by the student body and teachers. His goals as Co legio Maya's director have to a great extent been achieved, and they were to establish be liefs and direction within the school. Speaking of a recent event, the unfortunate incident in volving the time capsule, to those who aren't familiar with this incident, the event was as follows: Our school's time capsule had videos, tapes and other physical and emotional memo ries from our student body, teachers and staff which were put away in this underground room in 1991, and wasn't scheduled to be opened un til the year 2001. Unfortunately, unknown in truders entered our school, forced open the time capsule, took everything out and defecat ed in it. This was a heart breaking event for all of those who's memories were kept there, and to those who just knew what this meant to our school. Dr. Pascuale's opinion about this incid ent is quite strong. 'This incident not only re

flects what the wrongdoers think about our school but also, what type of people they are." he says."Our school will try to find those who tried to intimidate us and make sure they re ceive appropriate punishment." To Dr. Pas cuale: Thank you for your time and kindness to let us interview you, it was truly a pleasure to get to know you better. To the readers: Thank you for your time, we hope this article let you know more about our school's leader.


ThÂŁ Smiths Ben Baldizon

This year, like every other year, we have several new teachers at Maya. Two of these new teachers are Bill and Judy Smith who teach high school PE and English, respec

tively.

Before coming here, the Smiths lived in Bend, Oregon, where Mr. Smith taught PE for thirty years and Mrs. Smith taught 8 years of middle school health, nutrition, and family studies and one year of high school (same subjects). When asked why they came to Colegio Maya, Mr. Smith answered that he wanted to live in a different country and he heard that Maya was a good school. Mrs. Smith simply said, "We heard it was an awesome school."

I asked the Smiths a few question to learn about themselves and their new life here in Guatemala and this is what they said. How do you like your life in Gua

temala so far?

Mr. Smith: "I enjoy it. the people are warm and hospitable. The people are prob ably the greatest asset." Mrs. Smith: "I love it. It's fascinating." What do you do for fun (in your

free time)?

Mr. S: "I like to bike, run, and do any thing outdoors"

Mrs. S: "I like to run, bike, and hike."

What

have?

university

degrees

do

you

Mr. S: "I have a masters in Education"

Mrs. S: "A Bachelors in Home Economics and Education and graduate hours in educa tion." Mrs. Smith has done enough graduate hours to get her Masters but it seems she just hasn't got around to it yet. How do you like your job here at Maya so far? Mr. S: "It's been real good. Real interest ing. This school is definitely smaller than my

old school."

Mrs. S: "I love it. I love everything about

it. It's great."

Mr. Smith has a two year teaching contract here at Maya but aside from that he doesn't know how long he'll stay here. Mrs. Smith was only the English teacher until the new one, Mrs. Kate Stegall-Harris arrived (Friday the 6 of September). We needed a substitute for a while because the teacher that was originally going to teach English didn't come. Mrs. Smith plans to do part time teaching and sub stituting as long as her husband is here. She is now filling in a vacancy in the Elementary.

Since Mrs. Smith always has a quote up on her board I decided to end my article with one of them: "The best things in life are free."


MENVENIMI, M$. HAkkl$! Kyung Ro

A new teacher is on board! Yeah, yeah, I

know. There was actually lots of new teach ers this year, but I'm telling you guys that this teacher is even more new. It's Ms. Har ris in the English department! After the four weeks of delay, she was welcomed into our cozy little environment, and is now in the state of familiarizing herself with Guatema la. So far, she's been quite content and we hope that she'll find something special in our

community.

For those who yet doesn't know her, I might as well describe her physical features. She has a blonde hair, a light blonde that is; loosely tumbled in short curls. Then there

are those large, blue eyes set on a pair of dark-framed, thick, rectangular glasses. Her lips are neatly thin with a touch of pink col or. Her skin is white, and her words are formed quietly and slowly out of her mouth. Our English teacher's full name is Patri

cia Jame Kathleen Snyder Stegall-Harris. She was born in March 19, 1937. Her hob bies are tennis, swimming, singing, travel ing, and when she is fit, she likes to ski. Af

ter a moment of consideration, she decided on Chinese food for her taste. She was born in Buffalo, New York; but has been moving around all her childhood and also through her adulthood. Ms. Harris has lived in Cali fornia and Massachusetts for the longest pe riod. She graduated from Cornell University, as an English major; moreover, she also ob tained a master degree of psychology in the University of Pacific which is located in Stockton, California. She has lived in four foreign countries and traveled to four conti nents. She had the experience of being a flight attendant and supervisor for TWA for twelve years. Then she came back to teach ing in 1988. She had married twice, and thinks of the students as her children. Going further, she generously allowed more time to answer another set of questions with enthusiasm. She was delighted to do

the interview, she smiled.

Q: What was your first impression of

Guatemala?

A: Well, I could say that the friendliness of the people came to my attention. Q: How do you feel about Colegio Maya, its system, and the students? A: Here, it seems like one family more than just a school. I am happy with the system, and the faculties and students were all so wel

coming.

Q: What was the cause of your four weeks

delay?

A: I was teaching in the Asian school which is in the center of Boston, Massachusetts for on month during August, when I was of fered the job here. I continued teaching there until the 31st of August, since it is not profes sional to break a contract. Q: What are the goals you wish to make for this year? A: I wish to make good writers of my students and get to know everybody well. Q: In what other places have you taught before?

A: I taught in countries such as Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, England (London), and five dif

ferent states.

Q: What is the difference between those

schools and Maya?

A: I guess the schools had less freedom for students in decision making and not as flexible. They do not offer free time as much as the students needed. Most countries has similar subjects as Maya except Saudi Arabia, where they have heavy censorship upon Western ma terials such as movies, tapes, CD's, and novels. I also taught princes and princesses while they were in High school. Q: Do you have any message you would like to give this moment? A: I would like to say that I'm happy to be here and I plan to stay a long time...if the fates are kind (chuckle).


Mr.

Tfce myt&. XH legend, t&e Mstory teacher... Tomas "My hamster is Psycho" Lin

Bradley W. Smith, or Mr. Smith/coach, as he is known affectionately by Maya stud ents, is our new history teacher. The twenty

five year old student council advising, girls volleyball coaching bachelor already has a

very selective fan club at Colegio Maya, made up mostly of freshmen and sophomore women (and two guys). But, who is Mr.

Smith? In order to know <insert authority figure name hero better, we decided to sit down with him and ask him a few dementiainducing questions. Here are the results of that grueling Monday afternoon interview.

Mr. Smith, can you tell us a little

about your family? I am an only child, born in the Chicago

urban area, both my parents are living, I have a very close relationship with both of them, I attribute that to being an only child. The rest of my family are scattered around the world: Illinois, Paris, many in Springfield... I think I am very close to my father's side of the family, my mother's [side] is older. My dad used to be a teacher.

They are my heroes.

Tell us about your education... I started out by going to undergraduate school at Cornell College, I finished there in 1993 with a double major in history and po litics, minoring in sociology. I then went on Colgree University for a masters, finished that in the summer of 94. Finished student teaching in upstate New York. And then I went on to Tegucigalpa the following fall. Do you have a particular philoso phy of teaching? Personally, I believe in organization and high energy as the teacher [and] activities, discipline and fun for the students. Why did you decide to become a

teacher? I like the subject matter: social studies,

the social sciences. I always thought about be ing a teacher, I thought about the things I want ed to do with my life, specially after I start a family, I like the idea of having the summer free for me and my kids. I like the age of the kids, watching them change in high school and as they are getting ready to enter college, and hopefully help them and guide them in the pro cess.

Can you explain on your decision to become a teacher of the social scienc

es?

I particularly like the social sciences be cause it allows a freedom to explore life through the life of others. It allows me, as the teacher, to learn and provide life messages to the students. Also, the subjects, like sociology, are very analytical.

What do you expect from your stud

ents? I expect that they come eager to learn, have an open attitude and are willing to work hard.

What do you expect your students to learn from you? I hope they acquire a solid knowledge of the subject matter and learn life lessons along

the way to help in their personal growth. I also

want to share my experience with them.

Many of your students have said that you have an obsession with the Dodgers, can you elaborate on that? I don't think of it as an obsession, there is just no other choice. If you are a true baseball fan, there is just other options! The Dodgers epitomize greatness in baseball. Its a team that has the greatest organizational structure, this is the team that soared through the color barrier, it is a really good team, and there is just no other option! Which would be three words that you would use to describe yourself? I think the first word that comes to mind is


devoted, because when I there is something I believe in or think is worth doing, I do it. Passionate, I live life to the fullest. Optimist, I always like to think positive. Can you describe the worst job

you have ever had?

I worked a lot of jobs to get through col lege. One summer I worked as a weekend dog cleaner, It was from six am to six pm, I

had to clean the cages, scrape up stuff from German Sheperds meaner than anything I've seen in my life, It was the worst job I have

ever had, but it was a great learning experi

do you want?

ity,

(Malignant giggle) X-ray vision, immortal

Mr. Smith is one of the more interesting faculty members (pardon the oxymoron) of the school. If you don't have him in any of your classes, make an attempt to know the guy. The

jocular being can be spotted around campus in clear days. Try to make contact or I'll hunt you down and kill you! And, Mr. Smith, welcome to the dysfunctional Colegio Maya family!

ence.

Can you define perfection? I have two definitions for perfection.

One, is to give 100 percent into everything

you do. And two, perfection is symbolized

in the character of El Guapo, (evil grin) no

explanation given.

Is there something you regret not

\

doing in the past?

I have no regrets about anything that I haven't done. However, I regret fooling ar ound in Physical Education in my junior year in college, I fell trying to dunk a bas ketball, which gave me all sorts of problems. Would you like to say something to the millions of fans you have in the Colegio Maya campus? Stay sweet and be true to yourselves.

CLA$S\f\QD: fit W/tRD 6TLfF If you could meet any character, either real or fictional, who would

you like to meet?

I would love to meet Martin Luther King, also, Jackie Robinson will be great. If you were to be a shade of the rainbow, what color would you be

and why?

(After long "Are you insane?" look) Yel

low, because I have blond hair. Do you have any superhuman

powers?

I think I have superhuman knowledge on how to coach my teams to be successful (Mr. Smith is the coach of the girls' volley ball team and plan to coach girls' basketball

pretty soon).

What other superhuman powers

Air registered fan club members can obtain a

free copy of this picture by dialing 1-800-meweird. ŠCopyright 1996, Satanic Cookies Inc. Not actual size.

Name: Bradley W. Smith Age: 25 Yrs. teaching: three

Place of Birth: Melrose, Illinois (Chicago

suburban area)

Reason of coining to Maya: "If Mr. Pas-

tore can do it, everyone can!"

Reads: Newsweek, Time, Sports Illustrated, Harpers, biographies, non-fiction. Favorite Author: Ernest Hemingway Favorite Food: Macaroni and cheese and

Chips Ahoy. Type of music: Likes anything. Instrument: Radio. Hobbies: Learning, meeting new people, hav

ing new experiences, traveling, sports (best in

baseball), clowning around.

Lucky number: 13 (ASK TO SEE HIS LUCKY PENDANT). BIGGEST, DARKEST FEAR: Bees.


At IJlAYA! 8tORY

Edgardo Pabon

Have you ever been a new student in any other school? At Maya? If you haven't, I will try to explain how it is. But if you have, this will just be like remembering the past. Today is your first day at Colegio Maya, You wake up in the morning and you are shaking. You are not hungry, you don't want to know anything of what your parents ttell you, you are in a bad mood. Then, you care fully select the clothes you are going to wear to give a good impression on your first day at school. You come down the table and don't eat anything, Since it is your first day of school, your mom takes you in her car. When you get to school you just know, this is the "real time". You get into your first class and sit down on the back row, where you can see everybody but they can't see you. Because of your scheduule, people in your classes are different and you get to see more unknown people in your classes. At this time your only friend is your teacher since is the only one that knows your name. The first 2 periods of classes go very quick and when you see your watch is already lunch time. This is the time of the day in which you feel the worst because everybody else is in their respective group, talking to their friends and you are here by yourself with nobodzy else to talk to. If you are a shy guy (like me) what you will do is to go to the library in order to rest. But if you are the type of people that is always making new friends you will be at the library, looking for a place where to sit. Then after lunch when you go back to class you found out that you are the same way you were in the morning:

totally lost. Usually this is the time of the day where the most people introduce to you. After the two longest periods of classes of your life you fi nally go home. When you get home you start thinking and you realize that actually the day was not that bad and the most weird thought come to your mind: you really want to go back. I don't know why, but it is like this. And for the rest of the week you feel the same, and for the rest of the week it is the same. You don't really get to make friends until your second or third week of classes. Then is where you real ize how good or bad is school. I have been a new student four times and I have lived in four different countries and it has

been really hard for me to adapt mostly in the last three of them, because it's not easy to make good friends and from one day to another just forget about them and never see them again. I miss all my friends from Colombia, Costa Rica, and Puerto Rico but I always try to not think about this and just think about what is going on now. I think that from all the schools IVe been on Maya is one of the places where you can adapt the fastest. Here you feel that people want to know you and that they want you to know them. In the other schools I've been on it took me like approximately a month in order to have some real friends, but here at Maya it only takes you 2 weeks or less. Also I found this is a very good school and it has a great quantity of good teachers which al ways try to help you and that's very good. I would like to thank also the students for mak ing it easier to be here at Colegio Maya.


CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? DIGGIN' INSIDE THE MINDS OF MAYA STUDENTS Kyung Ro

Welcome back, Colegio Maya students! Yes, summer vacation is over... Those

sweet, carefree days in paradise have slipped away so unmercifully through your fingers.

We are now boldly standing on the starting line, confronting higher and harder obstacles than those gone by last year. Jumping up to a higher grade can be a point of excitement, but also a heavy burden to bp thrown into your bag of responsibilities. Sure you miss all the memories, either good or bad, that oc

curred during the two months of summer va cation. Nevertheless, meeting your old pals again and seeing each other's face everyday isn't so bad either (I guess...). We must also be aware of our new students, who have tak en tentative steps onto our school campus, beginning to fill up the empty spaces of

those gone.

By starting a new year, I decided to poke some high-school students with my ques tions to find out their feelings about the school. What are the students' expectations?

What are the changes they would like to make? What is their judgment of the school system, and what do they think of our teach

ers?

Describe Colegio Maya in one

word.

"Learning!" shouts out an anonymous junior, so pleased with herself. "In one word? (yes, that's what I said) um...well...I dunno (a long pause) I guess it's just... ah... just okay," mumbled a sopho more, costing me a considerable amount of patience.

"It's two words with ten letters...no, wait a minute...oh, it's eleven letters."

"Wait! wait, lemme think...uh...the school is quite fine...yeah, yeah...it's fine," replied a freshmen, while stuffing a piece of bread in her mouth.

"Well, honestly...I don't like it...(say that in one word) Hey, does my name come out? (Probably, if I want it to) Really? Oh, then change my answer. Come on! Change it!" "It's O.K.," a sophomore tells me slowly, forming the letters with his lips. "It is a school.(duh...) Oh, you mean my personal opinion?(yes, that's exactly what I mean) Well, it's...excellent! hee hee hee," blurted out a freshmen. (Why the heck is he laughing?) "Me?(yes, you) What kind of question is that? (Do you happen to realize everything you say is being written down in the magazine, the Maya PULSE?) uh...give me time to think.( Don't worry, I'll wait) I dunno, really... What am I supposed to say? (Hey, I'm the one asking questions around here!) I guess it's okay...there I answered," replied a student.(I wouldn't men tion she was a senior)

God gives you absolute control over Colegio Maya. What is the first thing

you would do?

"Ha ha...absolute control? Well...ooh! I know. I'll make Wednesdays a half day and on Fridays the students wouldn't be allowed to study!" exclaims a sophomore (Brown), nod ding her head vigorously (Cool school, yeah, but quite impossible..). "If I had the control, there will be no homework, no exams such as SAT, and every body would have straight A's!" shouts out an anonymous sophomore (Ben Baldizon...oops!), waving out his hand (Again very excellent ideas, but yet so faraway from reality).


"I know, I know, I'll make the school only for boys, or better yet, each class will be full of boys with only one girl! Yeah, yeah! hee hee hee," babbles an anonymous freshmen. Poor thing, she must be having a terrible breakup with her boyfriend. "Hey, you didn't ask me your question! (I didn't?) Aren't you going to ask me? (Okay, fine, sorry...) Hmm hm, I would make a... a... swimming pool! Yeah, a big swimming pool beside the Gym. Ooh, and also I'll improve the music department. (How?) Easy, I'll fill up Ms. Storey's room with a lot of pianos!!" Great, Ellen, I'm sure Ms. Storey will be very happy to hear that. "I'll improve the Gym with new equip ment, better system, more sport activities...Got it?" Ah yes, Monica (Garcia) your special interest for physical training

bubble in my face. "Did you say total control? (an evil grin spreading on his face) hee hee hee, ooh, okay...(Um, Paul, I know what you're think ing. I'm sorry, but there should be a certain limit to your imagination for this answer). Darn it...okay, if I had total control...I'll like make the school much bigger, you know, cause it's so small..." thank you, O'Sullivan, for your cooperation. "Does this mean I even have power over the teacher and the principal? (Yes, I guess so) Well, then can I like fire them? (Depends, but don't be so cruel) No? Then...um...(pause)... well...(another long pause) Oh, I got it...Party all Day!" shouts out the senior student, so victoriously. Hmmm...

me think...(pause) Uh...I choose Mr. Pastore then. He's pretty cool." (We understand his first choice was to die, don't we?) "Mr. Pastore, definitely. (Why?) Cause he's funny. (And?) Ah...he's good at sports. (You must remember he's there to teach you litera ture, not basketball!) Anyway, I think he'll be the best." "My choice? I think Mr. Smith(History) is cool. He's the kindest. He's really funny too!" replies an anonymous sophomore, without hes itation. "To be lectured for a thousand years? (gasp) Well, ah... I prefer to be with Ms. Storey," answers a junior, still spastically twitching with the idea of lectures. "I choose Mr. Berke cause he's really nice and kind. I really like him." (Yeah, except for his taste of music and those final exams!). "I like Mrs. Barrera, the Spanish teacher, she's real kind." "Mr. Smith rules! He's the best! Yeah! Yeah!" exclaims an anonymous freshmen who began to play with his fork... poking at his spaghetti noodles. "Mr. Connoly because there probably wouldn't be any electrical equipment on a de serted island." (Smart thinking!) "I think Mr. Pastore will be okay. No reason." (Hey freshmen, got any more of those chips you were eating?). "Ms. Barrera," responds a junior, imme diately walking away. (Did I do something wrong?) "A teacher? (yes, that's what I said) in a de serted island? (uh-huh) I guess Mr. Berke would be nice to be with... Mr. Bond isn't bad either." (Yeah, they both have the addiction to similar types of music...weird!). "Me? Definitely M.K. (Hey, isn't Ms. Kayayan a Middle school teacher?) Well... Hey,

You committed a mortal sin and you are dropped on a deserted island in punishment. You must be lectured to by a single teacher for a thousand years. Who would be the most bear

triunphantly. "Ms. Storey is really fun. We will never be bored with her!" "Mr. Feia is great... cool!" answers a sen ior, busilly typing his work.

"Augh...Ifll rather die.(You can't do that!) Can't I jump in the water and be eaten by the sharks? (I'm going to beat you up if you keep on with it!) Well, wait then. Let

"Let me think... (pause) What is this for? (Publications) Who's your teacher? (Why!? If it helps you answer the question, okay, it's Mr. Pastore) I guess Mr. Pastore is my best choice!" shruggs the anonymous senior.

can't be left out.

"I would demand that each student has their own personal Macintosh computers on their desks," pounces a freshmen, blowing a

able?

but she teaches yearbook" says the freshman


BOGGLING QUESTIONS FQRJHE

LLY ITT8ATTE BY THE CRPlHT|ALLY ITJ8AT|E... Ben Baldizon and Paul O'Sullivan

(For future reference, Ben is Bold and Paul is italics.)

Following in the tradition of "The Lunchtime Inquisition", Paul and I have come up with another astound ing, mind-boggling, incredibly awe

some question thingy with which we can publicly embarrass those foolish

enough to answer. Yes, that is correct Ben the Bold. For

our first edition of Mind Boggling Ques tions for the Criminally Insane by the Criminally Insane we have contrived, concocted! Hey, stay out of my paragraph! Anyways we have come up with a brilliant mystifying, really cool question for your viewing pleasure. You know what, I could have sworn I just said something like that. Yeah, well I try my hardest oh BOLD one. Hey, stay out of my paragraph! So anyway, through extensive research I have discovered the true meaning of life but since that is completely ir

relevant to the story I won't tell you what it is. What is relevant to the story, however, is the (Background mu sic (drumroll, trumpet fanfare, etc.)) Ques tion. What exactly is this question you might ask. Well I'm not going to tell you. Ha ha ha. Is it my turn now? Yes, Paul, you may speak (or write or whatever it is you do). Thank you oh BOLD one! Oh boy oh boy!! Ladies and gentlemen, the Question you have all been waiting for, well not really but here goes anything. The Ques tion is: What is the true secret of CRISCO oil!!

Paul, that is not the Question, that is the question. The Question really is: There is a Lady (funny how that works). She goes out one night and gets a little drunk. She goes back home, walks up to her room, turns off the light, and goes to sleep. The next morning, she gets up, goes to the wind

ow looks outside, sees what she has done, and promptly kills herself. Why? That is what the people are supposed to find out. Oh, yeah. And with that in telligent comment from Paul, we will end our introduction... for now. To embarass people in an orderly

fashion, I will give the various an

swers in order of what grade the peo ple are in, except when I don't feel like doing it that way. We really do have some quite inovative an swers, maybe even some serious ones! Uh, sure Paul just keep rambling on... Thank you BOLD one! It's such a pity that no one was smart enough to even come near the answer. That just goes to show everyone who are the greatest of them all, HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!! Right Ben? Uh, Paul don't strain yourself, you can take a break now. Oh Thank you oh Bold one, By the way I've al ways wondered why are you BOLD, huh? I like recognition sometimes!! Well, you see, Ben starts with B and Bold starts with B so I thought that just maybe there was an obvious connection in there somewhere. Any way, lets get back to the subject. CRIS CO? No, Paul. Actually, I was thinking more about the Question, and more im portantly, the Answers. Lets start with the Ninth graders. Did you get any ninth graders? Yeah, actually I did. Good.


Now give me their answers. Okay. The first Freshman will remain anonymous. His name is Sebastian and this

is his answer. "Do you have your pencil sharpened?

Okay, I'll tell you what happened. Well, what happened was urn... urn... (insane laughter). Stop writing what I say! Okay. It

was a dark and stormy night. What was the Lady's name? (More laughing). That is not fair. I don't know!! She ran over her dog and then threw the living room wall and then (blankity blank...)." Well, this is one very confused Freshman. If I were a psychologist I could make a full analysis based on

just this answer but I'm not so I

won't. However, I do find a need to question just how a Lady throws a living room wall. Last I'd heard those were pretty darn heaavy and pretty hard on the back. But folks, this is a freshman we're talking about and Freshmen are, well, wierd. But enough of that. Paul, do we have any more Weirdmen, I mean Fresh men? As a matter of fact, Ben, we do. Next on our hit list is Gian Carlo* and here we have his funny answer. "(Srlence) Why? Because she had a bad hair day? She found out she (obscene comment) (choking noises and un controllable laughter)."

Well, that was interesting. Actually, it really wasn't but I feel compelled to write something nice. Now that that's over with, I'd like to add that the choking noises were a nice touch and I give it two thumbs up. Any comments Ben?

As a matter of fact, yes. These Freshmen seem to think they're quite the comedians what with their un controllable laughter. And their ob scene

comments,

my,

my,

what is

this world coming to when even the Freshmen are full of obscenities. Of course I agree Ben but I must admit that if I saw what they do every morning in the mirror... well, let's not get into that. Yeah, whatever, Paul. Now I will introduce some of the Sophomore's answers. First on the list is Michelle.

Michelle will enlighten us or die try ing. Michelle, let's hear your answer. "How can she see herself out the window? Why? Because she probably killed someone... oooooo! maybe she was a werewolf. Ummm. She found she was someone she wasn't. She was bad. Stuff like that. This question is dumb." Well, this sophmore also seems to be quite confused but she did stay away from the nervous laughs and the obscene language, quite an achieve ment, if you ask me. Which nobody did. Shut up Paul. Anyway, now we will be enlightened by yet another ingenious, incredible, amazing, confused, Sopho more, Monica. "Okay. Uh...(nervous laugh). What are you writing? Uh... um... she saw herself in the window and got scared and killed herself. I don't know. What are you writing this for? Don't put this in the magazine! Put me in as anonymous."

Um, o.k. You know Ben these people are really confused between mirrors and windows. Windows you have to look through not into like a mirror. Well, Paul give them a break. After all, these people were Freshmen not so long ago and like I said, Freshmen are weird. Anyway, let's go to the next Sophomore. Actually, Paul, now is one of those special occasions when I break the pat tern and go to a different grade. Let's hear some answers from those Junior people. This thoughtful answer comes from Markus*. "Cause, um.... wait.... she saw that she (obscene comment) dog." Well, Paul, I must say that I am qu

ite disappointed with this Junior of

yours. It seems he is reverting to his Freshman mode what with his obscene comment and all. All he needed was a funny laugh of some kind and you'd never know he was a Junior. But let's see if some of the other Junior's can... Show us the true meaning ofCrisco?... give us a more deeply thoughtful, personal, really cool answer. Now we have a


long in depth answer from Robin. "Uh, because... (silence) (more silence)... (nervous chuckle)... uh... cause when she was drunk she parked her car in the middle of the road and it was a real nice car and all her money was in the glove com partment."

Wow Ben, that one cut right to the soul, man. I think I'm gonna cry. Hold on, Paul, help is on the way. Ifm sure one of the students from the psychol ogy class can do something for you

(obscene comment) answer, like those funny Freshmen and women. Shut up. Ben, we must be politically correct. It's the nineties. When I want your help I won't ask for it Paul. But let's move on to our next contestant, another Freshman

(woman) woman called Maria.

"She didn't go home that night and went to

someone else's house."

or use you as a test subject or guinea

pig or something cool like that. Then I could write an article on that and get Mr. Pastore off my back for a while. But let's get back to the sub ject which, contrary to popular be lief, is not the true meaning of Crisco. Now we shall hear the brilliant answer of a senior, Abdias by name. "(Day 1: Silence)...(Day 2: More silence)... (Day 3: I'm thinking.)...(Day 4: Don't rush me.)...Day 5: The Lady was a woman of power. The night she got drunk, she started going off about how her country sucked and she ordered a nuclear holocaust. Knowing what she was doing, she went down to her basement and hid in her bomb shelter for the night. The next morning, she woke up. She was disoriented, didn't know where she was, blah blah blah. She went up to her roof (she lived in a two story house) and looked out and saw the mass destruction she had caused. At that moment she remem bered that she had ordered and felt really bad just really bad? all right, <beep> de

pressed and she killed herself."

Yes well that pretty much sums up the night of your average high level drunk government official. Well, well, well, this is probably the best answer so far even though it's a little far fetched. I'm sure it would take a normal hu man being a great amount of imagination to conjure up this answer, but it probably only took Abdias a couple seconds. Actually, it took him 5 days to come up with that answer but I'm

seriously impressed that he actually

bothered to tf^y to really answer it in

stead

of

giving

us

some

stupid

Sorry about those empty lines; but

we really needed some time to fully

absorb and comprehend the many fac ets of Maria's answer. Paul? (Stunned silence) Paul?! Are you okay. Hold on, Ben, I'm still trying to think. Don't rush my thinking process.

Well, while you recover from that devastating answer I'll hit you with another incredible response by the Ju nior Dan.

"Is this a yes or no question? No. Okay,

Yes."

Uh, oh. I think we may have over done it with two answers like that in a row. Paul, talk to me. Are you still alive? Where's all this smoke coming from? Are you thinking too hard or something? Okay, Yes, Wrong house, Ben. Let's try a more normal answer now to try to stabilize Paul's brain activity

again. We will take a short answer from a short Sophomore. Yes you guessed it. It's Christina Cowart! "She killed somebody." / think I'll be okay now. No thought re quired for that last one. Short, sweet, and to the point. Wrong, of course, but then again so is

everyone else's. But let's move on to another answer, this time by Jamie the Sophomore. "Because the window was actually closed so when she checked to see if she had closed the sun roof on her car she smashed her face in to the window and she realized that the wind ow was closed and she died." Well, of course, Jamie. I periodical ly crash into nay window too because it's so dang* barrd to see the window you


know, it's like it just ain't there. Especially those goldarn screen doors, those things are invisible, and deadly while I'm at it! I it's like a conspiracy, I tell ya' they're all aliens planning to wipe out the entire human race! With CRISCO, right? Paul, I think you should go to a nice little mental asylum and stay there for, oh,

three hundred years or so. So long now. Now for the next answer, by Vanessa, a Junior. "Okay. (Repeats the question.) What has she done? (That's what I'm asking you, Vanessa.) Okay... urn,... She did was she had a really expensive Ferrari. In the midst of her drunkenness she drove her Ferrari into her garage door 5 times because she for got to open the door and the car wouldn't go in so she kept on trying. In the morning she saw her Ferrari smashed, smushed, scrunched, etc. so she killed herself." Man, there's a lot of funny words and one wrecked car in that response. Where did she come up with smushed and scrunched, anyway.

Who cares? We're not here to question the answers. However, I'm wondering why just about everyone has a wrecked car for their answer. I'm mean would you really kill your self if you wrecked your car. / think these people really would do just that, Ben. Well, that's okay then because I really don't care what they say as

long aÂŁ I keep on getting these straaaaaange answers. Who's next Paul. I'm afraid I can't reveal the secret identi ty of this anonymous sophomore, but boy would I like some chocolate Chip* cookies such as Chips* Ahoy. Really? I'm more in the mood for some potato Chips*, myself. Are you sure you can't give just a little clue as to who this answer is from? Ben, your a really curious guy, kind of like curious George*. Paul, you're such a Chester*, I mean Jester. Well, Ben, you're just a Chip* off the

old block, if you know what I mean. Since it's obvious that you're not going to give me even a little hint let's just go straight to the answer, shall we? "(Silence) What the (blankity blank) kind of question is that?! Hey what are you doing, Ahhh!! You can't write that!!!! (violent struggle ensues) (may I remind this

Sophomore of the freedom of the press?) you're such an idiot, all right I'll answer it. She kills herself because when she gets home she finds out she's really a man (blankity blank) and she (he), Is this a girl or a guy!?!? She finds out she's a man and he had brought home a strange woman from a club and (name with held by request) was the woman's name um... he found out he got aids from her um... and that's why." Um, Mr. Anonymous this is an, um, shall we say interesting answer but it is obviously completely wrong. I think this anonymous person should be in ninth grade what with all his obscene comments and stuff. Don't you agree Paul? Yes, this mystery man certainly is some kind of weirdo. What language for one so young.

Yeah, sure, whatever. Well, now we must... Let me announce it! Okay Paul. The next answer comes from Allison, Ali son, Alyson, or Allyson the Junior. I don't real ly know how to spell her name but come on down, whoever you are! "Why!? She ran over somebody's... I don't know and there was blood everywhere." Before you make any comments, Ben, we must hear Jennifer Peterson's answer because it is kind of related to the Junior's. "She probably wrecked the car 'cause she was drunk and (laughs, consults with the afore mentioned Junior) she probably... oh, never mind." Wow. It's amazing what you get when you put together the mind of a Senior and a Junior. I didn't think an swers like this existed. Yes, Ben, that was really and truly amaz ing. But let's move on before I get a stroke or something from the shear brilliance of those responses. Our next answer comes from one of


those funny people who think they teach us something. You guessed it, it's a TEACH ER.

Our first teacher is The Psycholo

gist, Mrs. Trujillo.

"Am I supposed to know this? Repeat it. I have no idea. It's too early to think. What's

the answer?"

Guess you'll just have to buy The Pulse, Mrs. Trujillo. I'd love to com

ment on her answer but I'm afraid I

might be here during my senior year and I was kind of planning on taking

psychology.

Ditto. Our next answer comes from Ms. Storey. I'm afraid we wont be able to com ment on this one either because Ben does have theater arts this year but feel free to criticize in private from the relative safety of your home. Anyway, her answer is as fol lows.

"(Long silence) (Laugh) Kills Herself? She looks out the window. How old is she? Where does she live? How did she kill her self? (Who's asking the questions here anyway?) She killed herself (mumbles to herself) because she ran over her husband's prize flowers and when he gets back from the flower convention he'll kill her anyway so she just did it first."

And finally, we will hear from the Soil man, Mr. Berke. "(Long, long silence) Okay. She ran over

her favorite kitty cat who she couldn't live without."

Once again, we can't comment for obvious reasons, primarily our grade in Bio. Well, that concludes our play-by-play review of the brilliant

answers of all them funny people.

Following are a bunch of answers that I was too bored and lazy to com

derwear on a telephone wire, OWW! What was that for? Shut up, Paul. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, what more could you expect from Woo Chul. That's right. Alex* (anonymous male Sophomore): "She found a guy in her bed and when she woke up the guy tells her welcome to the world of AIDS. Albert: Urn... Okay.,, 'cause she realizes she what she's done the night before, she sees all these dead bodies, she realizes she has an uzie under her pillow and looks at the bodies (again) and says, 'Okay. I've got to kill myself,' and she shoots herself four, no seventeen times

in the head."

Christina Miller: "Why? Urn . . Hmm... Uh... she realizes... interesting... that... (long pause)... don't write this, let me think about this. (Long pause)... She realizes that the guy she had this huuuuge crush on for like a looong time was out there ummmm, by the window completely naked and to her astonishment (exclamation) was a woman. Um... the guy she loved was a woman. (Breaks into tears)." Well, it looks like our time is up. It's a shame, Ben, it's such a pity. Pass me a tissue. I can't contain myself. Shut up, Paul. I guess we should re veal the answer now. Why? Because that was the point of the whole article. Very well then. What is the secret ingredient in CRISCO? Wrong question, Paul, but I'll tell you anyway. Qh, my gosh, heat stroke. I can't remember the secret ingredient thank to that sudden heat stroke. Oh

well.

discernible order whatsoever. Jeff Brown: "She was nasty drunk." Woo Chul*: "Because, because she had a detachable (blankity blank). She was nor mally a guy and then he/she woke up and saw captain (blankity blank) was there and it

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Moving on now, Paul, why don't you go ahead and reveal the answer. Me?! I though you knew? Did I miss something here? I thought you had the right answer. Nooo... Oh, well. I guess if you want to know you'll just have to buy the next issue of the pulse. Toodooloo.

I know I said I wouldn't comment but I Liar, liar, pants on fire, put you're un

nate those involved.

ment on so I'll just list them, in no

wasn't so she died."

*Names have been left the same to incrimi


Jamie Brown

Now, I realize this isn't the easiest ques tion for many people to answer. But, hey, I could've said it had to be a politically correct joke, or even - this is unthinkable! - a knockknock joke. But all I asked for was anything even remotely funny to put in the magazine. What was I thinking?

Collecting jokes around campus turned out to be one of the most frustrating assign ments I've had yet. Do you realize how hard it is to get someone to think of a joke on the spot? I do.

Most people were too busy or just didn't "feel like" answering the question. I spent at least half of a class trying to get anything. The first person to give me a viable answer, however obscure, was Mr. Berke. His re sponse was, "Yeah. Hush ma puppies. Ha!" Well, thanks, Mr. Berke. Just one question: Where's the punchline? I guess I just can't relate to the older...er, more mature... adult generation. Oh, what I miss out on... Okay. So now I tried for some more

kids. Christina Cowart was my first attempt. The "go away, we're memorizing our mon ologues" kind of discouraged me, so I gave up on that one. Ironically she ended up in the hospital less than a week later for sur gery. Sad story.

I seemed to be having the best luck with the teachers, so I went for the nearest one: Mr. Feia. This time I tried a new tactic; I told him a joke of my own, first. No luck. All I could get out of him was, "I'll think of one by tomorrow." Now, that may not have been any improvement from my last at tempt, but at least he humored me for a while before totally ignoring the request. It took me some time, but I finally real ized I wasn't going to get anywhere actually

asking people to think of jokes. So with my next subject I just let the issue come up natu rally during self-study (to the dismay of Ms. Westcott). Ben Baldizon fell for it. I got my first real joke! I really got my first joke! My first joke I got, for real! It went something like this: "There was this tribe of warriors in Africa called the Shan, okay? (Yeah, fine.) And the Shan leader has this weird type of epilepsy and needs to have a doctor with him at all times in case he goes into a fit, so he doesn't do any thing drastic. So he's always got this doctor following him around everywhere he goes. Then this one time the Shan are in battle against this other tribe when the Shan leader has one of his fits. So the other tribe kills the leader and kills the doctor and everybody dies. (Typically Ben) The moral of the story is: Don't be around when the fit hits the Shan." I like that one. Thanks, Ben. But... what does the doctor have to do with anything? Now, Michelle Wiater was sitting with us at the time, so she felt it necessary to put in a joke of her own. Yes! "Why didn't the skele ton cross the road. Unfortunately, she gave us time to answer. Four or five voices droned, "Cause he didn't have the guts." Sorry, Michelle.

Kevin and Kyung sympathized with my ef forts. Either that or they each just recently heard a joke. Either way, I got my next couple of jokes out of them. Kevin's was short and

sweet (well, not quite): "Have I told you why cows wear bells? Because their horns don't

work!" I did say it only had to be remotely funny. Thanks, Kev. Kyung's rivaled Kevin's in simplicity. "What's big, gray, and has 16 wheels? (Uh, I dunno. What?) An elephant on roller skates!" Cute.


Determined to understand Mr. Berke, I went back and tried the guilt trip that had worked so well on the last two. Aha! My next victim! "There's this teacher giving a true/false test (it had to be Mr. Berke) and

he looks back and sees this kid flipping a coin. So he asks him, he says, fWhat are you doing?1 and the boys says, 'If its heads, its true; if its tails, its false.' So the teacher says, 'Okay,1 and sits down. But at the end of the period the kid is still flipping the coin, and the teacher says, 'You should have been done by now,' and the kid says, 'I'm check ing my answers.'" Hey, Mr. Berke: have

you met Kevin? I think you two could relate

pretty well to one another.

Hey, there's Mr. Smith! (Social Studies) Maybe he could give me something. "Know any good jokes?"

"(Shakes head . . . pause . . .points at Luisa Meyerman) Her face is kinda funny (smug grin . . . leaves room)." We've been telling you, Mr. Smith. You've gotta stop hanging around Mr. Pastore. Well, actually, I can't say I got nothing out of this whole ordeal. I did learn one thing: I'm not gonna do this for a living.

!.**Âť FiM: No matter which way it's going, either

forward or backward, RACECAR is spelled the same.

In Pittsburgh, you're not alowed to sleep in a refrigerator. In Idaho, it is illegal to fish for trout from

the back of a giraffe.

In Detroit, sleeping in the bathtub is pro

hibited.

I knew a gnu in the zoo that knew the news that two new gnus knew the zoo gnu knew the gnus knew he knew the new gnu's zoo news too.

On cold, dark evening in the middle of Fe bruary, with the temperature at eighteen below and dropping steadily, an Alaskan trapper re turned to his empty cabin were after thirteen days on the trail. In the cabin were a kerosene lamp, a fireplace, and a wood-burning stove, and the trapper had but one match. What should he light first?

Answer: He should light the match first.

According to law: In California, it is illegal

to peel an orange in a hotel room.

"It can't be Captain!"

There's no soda in soda water, no wax in sealing wax, and no lead in a lead pencil. The red sea is not red, a guinea pig is not a pig, and

catgut, well, who knows...

A pear is not a pair, nor is a pair a pear, un less a pear is half a pair of pears, in which case the pear, half a pair of pears, might be a pear of pairs, but not a pair of pears, unless the pear is

a pear of pairs, in which case half a pear a pear

but half a pear is not a pair, it's a pear of a pair.

FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION,

longest word in the english language meaning, "The action of estimating as worthless." The action of estimating as worthless. Now there's an important word you'll probably use for the

rest of your life.

Can you read letter talk? DYNSXLN IMNNDN DLFN8DA

If you need an activity to take up your time, look into a mirror and try to see yourself blink. In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for a chick

en to cross the road.

You are a truck driver. If you drive from Birmingham, Alabama with a full load of to matoes, stop for fuel in Atlanta, Georgia at 6

o'Clock in the evening, and then continue on to Raleigh, North Carolina, not exceeding the 55 M.P.H. speed limit, arriving before eight o'clockin the morning on a Friday, how old is

the truck driver?

Answer: Remember, you're the truck driver.


Roberto Castafier

I always thought I was just irresponsible. I tried hard, but I couldn't get anything done. After I got a bad grade, I felt that I hadn't tried hard enough. I was always the slowest on in my class to finish work, and everybody thought of me as irresponsible and lazy. I knew I had tried at some point, but I felt that I had given up or something, that I had done something wrong, and I thought I wouldn't do it again, but I did. I felt that I was using up everyone else's time by not doing what I had to do. It's always been pretty frustrating to have this problem and that is why I decided to write about it. Attention Deficit Disorder is some sort of dysfunction in the brain. It is hard for people with it to have control over some be havior such as hyperactivity, impulsivity or both. About three percent of children in the US have it. It is ten times more common in boys than in girls, but when girls have itrit is usually very severe. People with it also have a very poor attention span. It is hard for them to evaluate or anticipate the conse quences of their actions, and they have to try harder to do so than average people. This is what causes impulsivity because they act upon what their feelings say and don't think about what they should or shouldn't do. In other words, they feel something and imme diately act it out by instinct, and don't have much time to think what the outcome of it might be. Many times in a day that happens to them and after they have acted they go "Oh man, now what's gonna happen?" and they feel guilty for it without really having had much control over it. These people often feel impatient, exited, or temporarily (a cou

ple of minutes) extremely happy for little rea son. That also makes it hard to think about the consequence of an act because the feelings are so extreme. Because of poor attention span, these people are also inatentive which gives them problems at school by not being able to follow what the teacher is saying. For example, they have a really hard time getting through reading because they start daydreaming or thinking about something else right after the first or second sentence without noticing, hav ing then to go back and read the whole thing again (that happens to everyone, but not as much as it happens to people with ADD). Something else that makes it hard for them to concentrate is that unlike average people, they are not able to filter out other sounds that they are not concentrating on. In other words, if you

don't have ADD, you are ignoring sounds ar ound you while you are reading this, whereas if you do have ADD, anything you hear you pay attention to, making it hard for you to con centrate.

Some characteristics of people with Atten tion Deficit Disorders are: having difficulty to sit still; getting easily distracted by small things that wouldn't distract other people; hav ing difficulty awaiting turns in games or group situations; often blurting out answers to ques tions before they have been completed; having difficulty following through on instructions from others; having difficulty sustaining atten tion in tasks or play activity; often shifting from one uncompleted activity to another; hav ing difficulty playing quietly; often interrupt ing and intruding others; often talking exces sively; often not listening to what is being said to him or her, and losing things necessary for


tasks at school or at home. These people have very little control over these things and should not be blamed for them. These char acteristics are more noticeable in children because they can control them over time. This is not because they lose the characteris tics, but because they usually learn to con trol them; and to try really hard not to let them happen, because they are forced by so ciety to learn them just as average people have to learn to control their temper or put their problems aside while they are doing

work, etc.

You are probably wondering why these people are like that. Here is a possible expla nation: Everyone has neurons (nerve cells) inside their brain. Since neurons are not physically joined together, not touching each other, information must be "shot" from neu ron

to

neuron.

This

is

done

with

"neurotransmitter chemicals" which are sub

stances where information can be stored (the chemical is what is being shot). People with

ADD don't have as much of that chemical. Nobody really knows how that causes the symptoms displayed by people with ADD,

but it has been noticed that all people with it have less neurotransmiter chemicals, and therefore, that is what scientists suspect

FACTS!

-In a 1990 preschool poll, Mr. Rogers was first choice for President of the United States. -July 22 is National Rat-Catchers Day, No

vember 19 is Have a Bad Day Day. -Your tax dollars at work: According to one

government study, pigs can become alchohol-

ics.

-The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours

is.

-Al Capone's business card said he was a used

furniture dealer.

-Queen Victoria smoked marijuana to cure her

cramps.

-Peanuts are one of the ingredients used to make dynamite.

-Elephants are the only land mammals that

can't jump.

-The real Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

-No kidding - the cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Five Jell-0 flavors that flopped: Celery, cof

causes it.

fee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

If you want to know more about Atten tion Deficit Disorders, this is where I got my

to answer the phone was by saying, "Ahoy!11

information:

-Mrs. Winteroad (counselor). -Mrs. Greenwood (nurse).

-Harvey C. Parker, Ph.D "The ADD Hyperactivity Workbook for Parents, Teach ers, and Kids", chapters 1 and 2.

-American Psychiatric Association "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Men tal Disorders, Third Edition", pages 41-45. -Carolyn and Dwain Simpson "Coping With Emotional Disorders" pages

49-50.

-Alexander Graham Bell insisted the best way

-52% of U.S. teens say they get along better with mom; only 24% prefer dad. -When he needed inspiration, Ludwig von Beethoven poured water on himself. -Weight-loss tip: Melting an ice cube in your mouth burns about 2.3 calories. -There's a town in Texas called, "Ding Dong."

-Disneyland has the fourth largest navy in the world.

-Hair grows at a rate of .00000001 miles per hour.

-Mahatma Gandhi is buried in California. -7% of Americans think Elvis is still alive.. -The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the United States. -64% of Americans say they have confidence in the U.S. Military; 19% say the same about the Congress.


The Naked Ape Valle

The cafeteria food is a very questonable

issue. The cafeteria is located on the second story of the Gym. There are a variety of dif ferent kinds of cafeteria foods such as: en chiladas, Won-tons, Fries ,Pepsi etc. They change their main course everyday. An ex ample is Spaggeti today, Meat the next. But the kinder kids get a different kind of lunch. The kindergardeners eat a totally different

menu. They eat at 10:20. Well for example on Friday Sept. 9 they had pancakes, rice, drink, and a desert, but they are not allowed to get chips, snacks or colas. The middle schoolers eat lunch first. They get all that time to eat.They eat at 11:00 till 11:20. Then at 11:20 till 11:50 the high shooters get to eat. Elementary gets to eat from 12:00 till 12:30. Then they go to recess. Don Carlos Barrera runs the cafeteria with his daughter Carolina Barrera. They use many different kinds of ingredients to make their food. They have a wide variety of Guatemalan food and American food." The Guatemalan food is very delicious."according to Roberto Castaiier. His favorite is the tortillas and en chiladas, but he sort of dislikes the fish plate special. Opinions of the cafeteria are different for many people. Here are a few examples. Jamie Brown (tenth grade) likes the packaged foods that the cafeteria sells. One anonymous person says that the food is WAY to expensive!!! Paul O'Sullivan likes the Pepsi that the cafeteria so enevitably provides. The Great Miguel Turner's exact words were " Nothing dude, No, No, No, Well, uh(sigh) Oh, OK, Yea anything that, yea keeps me alive(laughter), OK, OK, and anything that doesn't make me ( Demented laughter)." Kyung's favorite food is the spagetti. As I interviewed her this was her word for word answer. "What..(pause)...What is this for, No, Oh OK, Spagetti yea, The one with the red sauce on top. Hey stop that,

why are you doing that No, No come on

GEEZ!!" (walked away). And don't forget that you to can tell me what you like. Just come to Mr. Pastores' class 1st period on A day and tell me! For more information about this article or anything related or close to the word cafeteria contact me or fax me.(0h no, now back to the article). Inbal likes the Rice Crispy treats(RCT) and the Arizona Ice tea but she dislikes the tuna with the guacamole. The cafeteria has 4 employees. The cook that is in charge of the sandwiches is Laura . Haide is the main cook. She makes all the dif ferent kinds of foods. Irana is in charge of the salads and also helps Haide when the going gets tough. Last is Sandra, Sandra makes lunches for the little kids. The cafeteria has a variety of food everyday. There are nachos, steak sandwiches, Cora dogs, hot dogs, tacos, a wide variety of drinks and chips, ice cream, snacks, cookies, fruit and a special menu. The menu has a special that is different every day. That is about it. Carolina Barrera helps her dad run the cafeteria and use that money. She says that "More people are buying from the cafeter ia than last year and about 98% of the new kids are buying from the cafeteria rather than bring food from home." The cafeteria is open from 7:30 to 3:15 and if anybody wants it open longer come and talk with her. There are two ways to pay in the cafeteria. You can pay cash or have credit. When you have credit you can buy what ever you want and at the end of the month they send the bill to your parents. When you have a credit you get a personal credit number. The menu for the 1-3 graders is also partial ly controlled. You see that the cafeteria provides a wide variety of international, not to mention national, foods. So remember next time you eat at the cafeteria say thank you for not giving me food poisoning! Ta-Ta(Until next time.)


Luisa Meyerman

"Bad, the special effects stink." frT,

.

.

t

-Maria D. Barrem

1 wister is cool, but you have to see Inde pendence Day"

in*

i

.,

-Alison Tsuji

It was a horrible movie, all about the same thing, if you sit at the front, you'll go blind" lfV

,

_.

-InbalMazar

Yeah, and that cow thing? fLook there goes another one. No, I think it is the same one' HA HA HA HA HA!"

-Jamie Brown

ID4 is waaaay better... Hey, wait a minute isn t that the lady from Sine.. Home Impr.... Fresh Pri... Oh, what's that show called again?"

â&#x20AC;&#x17E;.

-Michelle Wiater

Mad About You, Michelle, Mad About You." "Yes"

-Christina Cowart

-Ben Baldizon

Well, summer heat began with the hot

test movie of the year TWISTER. Yeah,

everyone was talking about it's exciting plot,

the special effects and it's new yet not so fresh actors. Until, crushed by that evil alien movie, worshipped by most students in Colegio Maya, went down on it's ratings. Twister has a typical archetypal plot be lieve it or not. (See Mr. Pastore, I did learn

something in your class) Jo is played by Mad About You's Helen Hunt, a young tor nado chaser whom at a young age lost her father to a Twister, and therefor is trying to prevent it from happening to any one else.

Billy, who's real-life name I couldn't find because he is a new actor, a freshman at the job, a bomb, a surprise to us all whom are used to watching Oscar nominees like Tom Hanks or Al Paccino, well, unfortunately "Billy" does not possess either the looks or the talent, but then again, what talent does a

weather man need? Getting back to the point, Billy plays a retired tornado chaser who de cides to move on to less risky and more pathet ic life, marrying a sex psychologist and becom

ing a weather man; it doesn't get much more pathetic than that. Does it?

Following the protagonists is a big cast of stars who never really bloomed in Hollywood, except maybe as doubles or extras. They range

from a sweet aunt, to crazies, to competitive tornado chasers.

Although I admire this movie, I must admit the story is as repetitive as the Energizer bun

ny, and I must also admit that Inbal "it was all about the same thing" Mazar might have a point. Might, I repeat, my perfection is not de feated yet. Weil, it is easy to explain the movie in 60 seconds tops: Jo wants Billy back so they go out and chase tornadoes, and try to put in

them a machine that will detect the twister's in tensity, body and location. Jo gets Billy back, they fail with the machine the first 3 times but finally succeed the fourth. Not bad for a recent

freshman huh?

The special effects: Well how can you criticize them, of course. They are all about the same thing, what can you expect from a movie who's title is as clear as Cindy Crawford's skin. Twister, Twister, Twister, there is not going to be dinosaurs or aliens on bikes, it is about twisters, therefor the special effects are a series of Twisters. There are flying cows, trucks, houses which seemed quite realistic, that's as good as it gets people.

The acting: Say what you want and I will agree, it is cheap acting, or as I rather call it, over paid. Then again, what do you expect

from a movie which was mostly special effect. Could they afford Demni Moore to act as Jo , I don't think so. Anyways, Mrs. Willis was too

busy talking her clothing off last summer. Be Prepared: As you walk into the movie theater, or sit on your living room couch, you mustn't forget the following recommendations.


1. Bring a bucket/paper bag, for that spinning might overestimulate your diges tive system.

2. Do not watch ID4 before or after you watch Twister, it will stress your mind. 3. Watch the cholesterol in the butter (popcorn)

4. Don't try anything they do at home. To all the readers who have not had the chance to amuse themselves with Twister, I suggest you run to the nearest theater (if it is

still playing) because it won't have the same effect on a TV screen. To thosewho would criticize it endlessly, remember that movies were originally meant to entertain, not nec essarily saturate with computerized magic and multiple plots.

YOU MUST ADMIT TWISTER IS FUN.

FACTS -Consumer Tip: October is traditionally the cheapest month to buy a bicycle. -The Gorillafs scientific name is, "Gorilla, gorilla, gorilla." -Male seals don't eat during mating season (Too much on their minds). -How can you make a rubber band last long er? Put it in a refrigerator. -One billion seconds is about 31.7 years. -15% of U.S. women say they send flowers to themselves on Valentine's Day. -It would take about 14,000 years to read all the books in the Library of Congress. -Before 1850, most golf balls were stuffed with feathers. -The housefly's tastebuds are in it's feet. -Study results: Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music. -Arachibutyrophobia: The fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth. -In Switzerland, it's against the law to slam

your car door.

ON THE HOP

Continued from page 11...

The Colegio Maya girls1 Varsity Volley ball Team (breathe) came in third place in Copa Maya. Realistically, though, we tied for second place with Christian Academy. The only reason we ended up with the bron ze-colored metal was because we were cour teous enough to play an un-planned, insome-aspects-unfair game as a tie breaker. Not that it was any less fair for CAG's team; it was just under bad conditions. So Colegio Americano came in first place in Copa Maya, and Christian Academy in second. But, regardless of who won what, volleyball has been a fun experience for all of us.

-Before 1863, mail service in the U.S. was

free. -Salt is the only rock humans can eat.

-Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. -Literally translated, the word carnival

means, "flesh, farewell."

-Poll results: 52% of Americans say they'd "rather spend a week in jail" than be President of the United States. -England's Prince Charles won the Alfred E. Neuman Look-Alike contest in 1992. -Q. Who founded the Kenwood stereo com

pany? A. A guy named Ken Wood. -In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more

energy than all the world's nuclear weapons

combined.


THE CR0W: CITY ŠF ANGELS S0VNDTRACK 1. Hole: Gold Dust Woman

2. White Zombie: I'm Your Boogiman 3. Filter: Jurassitol 4. P.J Harvey: Naked Cousin 5. Bush: In a Lonely Place

6. Tricky vs. the Gravediggaz: Tonite is a Special night 7. Seven Mary Three: Shelf Life 8. Linda Perry featuring Grace Slick: Knock me out 9. Toadies: Paper Dress 10.N.Y. Loose: Spit ll.Korn: Sean Olson lZDeftones: Teething 13.1ggy Pop: I wanna be your dog 14 Pet: Little Boots

15. Above the Law featuring Frost: City of angels

One of this summers highly anticipated movies is "The Crow: City of Angels". Along with the movie, the accompanying soundtrack is also being awaited by many fans around the world, "The Crow: City of Angels" is the long awaited sequel to the hit movie and instant cult classic "The Crow". The first movie came out with a kicking soundtrack that had such artists as Stone Temple Pilots,Rage Against The Machine, and Pantera. Now, the long overdue "City of angels" movie is opening July twentyninth. The new movie and new soundtrack

| are hopefully going to live up to their expec tations. "The Crow: City of Angels" soundtrack has headliners (in bold

print above) with the likes of Hole and their hit "gold dust woman", White Zombie, Filter, Bush, and even punk rocklegend Iggy Pop. J.O. Barr, the creator of "The Crow", has a certain reason for combining the type of music with his creation the Crow. His comic creation in his words was, "more influenced by music than any other comics." This music was the en ergy or the charge that kept O'Barr up and about when working through the pain when his fian

cee tragically died and working on the enduring writing process that took O'Barr off and on around a decade to finally bring in to print.(note, if you haven't seen the first Crow ,the Crow rises from the grave to avenge the death of his fiancee, mere coincidence? I think not!!)


The music that is within the Crow soundtracks has become a recognized style. For many, the music has reached out to them and they have

declared themselves loyal crow fans (like me!). Both movies and the music have a dark sense of violence and pain. The crow "virus" has caught people like a contagious cold and is spreading like wildfire. Of course this "cold11 may have

passed people by and they just like the music, or see the Hole song and say "wow I gotta get it!!" The style and feel of the Crow are pulled

off that track, but as I said, just a teeny, tiny bit. Also the second soundtrack has two rap songs which may be good for some people but really

IMflnm. Âť^IME

*%

from many of today's and yesterdays rock/punk cultures. For instance, O'Barr would listen end lessly to Ian Curtis and Joy Division while con juring ideas and writing the Crow. Other direct influences are Peter Murphy and Iggy Pop. They're especially seen in the comic version. O'Barr states "I'd seen Peter Murphy in Berlin; He had

seem like they don't belong. Of course, that's just my lit tle opinion. The first Crow movie and soundtrack were excellent and so is the sec

ond soundtrack. I can only hope the second movie will be great. One conclusion is definite: The Crow has opened a whole new alternative world not reached by Hollywood and is a per fect picture for today's grim society.

The Crow those incredible cheekbones, and Iggy Pops body language and torso I used as well." Also, not only is Iggy Pop in the sound track, he's also starring as the second villain: the wicked Curve.

In my opinion, the first Crow soundtrack was better, but only by a little teeny bit. The first Crow soundtrack had some big names that were really respected and really set the tone or the dark atmosphere of the movie. The second soundtrack, although phenomenal, seems to veer

Jovqdfrack* * * *5 The first one deserves four and a half stars for creativity integrity and great music.

e Crow City of Angeh

Sovqdfrack:

* * * *

The second one deserves 4 stars for integrity, carrying on the leg end and great music.


Yoar Hndy guide to movie rental places m Guatemala Roberto Castaiier

About ten years ago, it was really popu lar to go rent movies. That has been replaced by computers and better cable. Computers

are bad for your eyes, and, with cable, you can't really watch something you like for a

get into the passion.

4ave.l 1-18, zone 14

long time; it's always changing channels and

watching everything in parts. I honestly think that's pretty boring most of the time because I usually can't find any

thing, so I go out and rent movies; I love it because it gives me something to think about other than girls, homework, and soc

-Membership costs Q50 for one year. -All movies cost Q15 for two nights. -It's a small place inside a house; friendly, but odd.

cer.

Sometimes I rent a whole series of movies and I watch them all. Something like Star Trek one to seven can keep you enter tained for a weekend. You can watch a mov ie, take a snack break (in my case, cereal);

get some Frosted Flakes with lots of milk and go back to the TV to watch the sequel. You can spend a whole day sitting on your couch and not even notice how much time has passed and how much rest your body is getting. When you're done, your mind is re freshed to do your homework or daydream your own movie, and your legs are refreshed to play sports again; it's kind of like a medi tation written by someone else's mind. I feel that only a few people do this of ten, and since I feel such passion for movies, it's my obligation to try to get you into them too. So, here are some places rated with stars to which you can go to get some movies and

11 calle 15-01, zone 13

-Membership costs Q51.40 for one year. -New releases cost Q 15.50 for one night and commons cost Q 10.50 for two nights. -They open from 9:00am to 8:00pm.

15ave. 6-01, zone 13, Centro Comercial

Century

-Membership costs Q50 for one year. -New releases cost Q15 for one night and commons cost Q10 for two nights. -They open from 10:00am to 9pm and to 8:00pm on Sundays.


11 ave. 18-40, zone 10

-Membership costs Q50 for one year.

-New releases cost Q15 for one night and commons cost Q10 for two nights. -It is a pretty nice place inside and it is

easy to find.

9 calle 6-64, zone 14, Edificio Verdever

-Membership costs Q50 for one year. -New releases cost Q15 for one night,

Q25 for two nights, and commons cost Q10 for two nights.

\AovT&S K 18calle 11-28, zone 10

-Membership costs Q22 for life. -New releases cost Q 16.50 for one night and commons cost Q10 for two nights. -They open from 9:00am to 8:00pm. 2 calle 21-66, zone 15

15ave. 12-00, zone 13

-CDsforQ78.95 -Newest movies, before they get to the theater -New releases are Q10 for one night, Q15 for two nights, and commons cost Q10 for two nights. -They rent video games and it's also nice and pretty inside.

-Free membership

-New releases cost Q15 for one night, Q25 for two nights, and commons cost Q10 for two nights. -They open from 9:00am to 8:00pm.

Boulevard Los Proceres 26-55, zone 10, local cuatro (Fun Plaza)

-Membership costs Q50 for one year. -New releases cost Q15 for one night, Q25 for two nights, commons cost Q10 for two nights, and old movies cost Q5 for two nights. -They open from 9:00am to 9:00pm and from 10:00am to 7:00pm on Sundays. -It's nice and they sell beverages and chocolate bars.

363-3834

-Free membership -You call and they bring it to you. -You get a list of new releases sent to your house every month.

I hope you can use this information; I would, and I hope you like your movie. I also want to tell you that most of these places, un like in the US, don't have very good old movies, so give priority to the price of the new releases. I don't tell you how much it costs if you bring it in late because I trust you, I don't think you would do that, so don't prove me wrong, OK? If you would like to know how to get to these places by word and not just an ad dress, ask me.


Who are tHE 8+oite

TEIJIPLE PiLO+8? Sebastian

Scott Weiland: Vocals Robert DeLeo: Bass Dean DeLeo: Guitars Eric Kretz: Drums

The Stone Temple Pilots have been flying the skies of the music industry since their formation in San Diego in 1988. The group's original members, bassist Robert DeLeo and vocalist Weiland, first met at a Black Flag concert in Long Beach, CA

where they were both living at the time. "It was one of those weird things," explains Weiland, "You get into a heavy discussion with a total stranger, and you discover that both of you are seeing the same girl."

When their mutual girlfriend moved to Texas, Robert and Weiland seized the op portunity and moved into her apartment. "Robert had an eight-track, and we would record these sick, tweaked, multi-layered jingle/ commercial things, like 'Dr. Lymph Node's Duck Butter Brand Butt Wax,'" Wei land recalls. Even though Weiland's roots lay in the punk/post-punk genre, and Robert came from New Jersey and more of a hardrock/Led Zepplin/Black Sabbath back ground, they discovered a common artistic ground and decided to form a band.

After seeing Eric Kretz play in a small Long Beach club, where his atomic skinbashing overpowered the rest of the group,

Robert turned to Weiland and said, "That guy's loud." After Kretz joined the band, the boys began to search for a guitarist, but they were having no luck landing a player who fit their

needs. "Robert had always told me, 'We should try and talk my brother into coming out from New Jersey,' but Dean had a real cynical view

of California," Weiland recalls. Finally Dean was convinced to come out to Long Beach to play on a demo session with the band. n He decided to stay, moving to San Diego with his new girl friend. The group, in turn, felt that San Die go would pro vide a much more conducive musical environ ment than Los Angeles, and they decided to do most of their live work there. After a short period of garage rehearsals the group set about securing any support slots that were begging on the local live circuit. With a background of influence taking in classic acts like Led Zeppelin, Queen, and Kiss, Stone Temple Pilots are perfecting a sound of their own, in their albums, " Core", "Purple", and their latest, "Tiny Music from the Vatican Giftshop", taking the best of sev enties hard rock and bringing it into the nine ties.

(Note: Due to the inresponsbility of the au thor, the sources could not be quoted)


tfrc&hpcople State '96 Name

DOB

Nationality

Favorite

Favorite

Favorite

Favorite

Favorite

Favorite

Music

Actor

Korean

TLC Alanis Morrisett

Brad Pitt

Movie ID4

Activity

3/26/81

piano

Color blue

Self

Smashing Pumpkins

Sandra

The

Bulock Tom

Craft

Last. First

Byun, Eun Ji

IC'hiing, Susnnn

7/5/81

Chicas, Mario

6/28/96

1 Choc k.Z u leira

2/24/81

Cool en, Marianel

12\25\8

|FaniuI,Esteban II oilman. Alex

3/12/81 8/16/83

Franklin, Magnus

9/9/82

1/12/82

Kan, Mi Jin

7/9/82

Kim. Alison

Kim, Michael

Panama

1 Blue

Piano

ID4

Sell" Sludv

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Luisa Meyerman

Si el Norte Fuera El Sur ("If North Was South") has ridden a controversial wave of unease among the Latin American

to be written, that which keeps me alive. The one that's always ahead, the one that is yet to be lived and done. To those, who might be of fended or annoyed by my creation, with all

jona, Si el Norte Fuera el Sur has a ser ies of controversial songs. The author's introduction to the album

done is done and it takes dedication."

countries sponsoring this album. Written and sung by the Guatemalan author Ricardo Ar-

goes something like this:

"This album has Caribbean influence,

were I escaped from the established. It tastes

like tequila, wine andresaca. Contains love that dies. It has a crazy compass.lt smells like tobacco. It has stories, tales, dreams. It is hungry to escape, it wants to leave it

wants to stay. It has a lot about me, maybe a

little of you. You, who love. You,who feel. You, who annoy. You,who ruin. You, the leader.You, the follower. It speaks of love, it makes the News, it forgets, it remains lov ing. Which one is my favorite? The one yet

your respect, I really don't care,for what is

-Ricardo Arjona.

1. Noticiero "Newscast''(Written in LA Califoraia)Is a mocking of the morning news cast in Latin America, the usual bad news, and pessimistic commentaries. 2. Tu Reputation "Your Reputation" (Written in South America, August 1995)Is among the most controversial songs in this al bum. The author falls in love with a not so pu ritan young woman, and although her reputa tion has been spread all around town, she falls in love and changes completely. 3. Ella y El "Him and tfer"(Written in Mexico, November 1995)Is a love story invol-


ving a Cuban and American. It is based in the idea that opposites attract, and despite the cultural differences and bad relationship between their countries, the couple still manages to love each other. 4. Se Nos Muere el Amor "Our Love Dies11 (Written in Puerto Rico Novem ber 1995)As simple as the title, a story about how love dies in a couple. 5. Si el Norte Fuera el Sur "IfNorth was South "(Written in Puerto Rico, April 1995) Is probably the most controversial song in this album. It is about what the world would be like if North was South. It is a mocking of the United States, it's people and it's government. 6. Aun Te A mo 7 Still Love You11 (Written in Mexico) Is a letter to one of the author's past loves, he describes his misery, since the day she left.

7. Abarroteria de Amor "Love Su permarket" (Written in Mexico, California and Guatemala Between 1988 and 1996)Tells the clients' feelings and lessons learned in a brothel. 8. Duerme "Sleep"(Written in Puerto Vallarta, October 1995)The author watches his lover sleep, and describes his emotions and feelings towards her. 9. Te Acuerdas De Mi "Do you Still Remember Me" (Written in Dallas Texas) Similar to "I Still Love You",he tells her how much he misses her and loves her still. 10. Cita en el Bar "Date in a Bar" (Written in Guatemala 1987) Tells how the author falls in love with a girl he picked up at a bar, who later turns out to be a prosti tute.

11. Me Ensenaste "You Taught Me" (Written around central America, from 1993 to 1996)My personal favorite, Ricardo Arjona writes about the many things his lover taught him,and stresses that the only thing she didn't teach him,was how to forget her. 12. Frente al Televisor "In front of the Television "(Written in the Dominican Republic 1995)Is very unusual. It tells the story of a girl who left the author to become a model, so he watches TV day and night to see her at least one last time. 13. Tu "You" (Written in Mexico 1995)Is probably the sweetest song in the al

bum, for it expresses many positive things a woman can represent to a man .

14. Mexico (Written in Mexico 1992) Although a proud Guatemalan,the author suc ceeded in his career after moving to Mexico,so it is more like a thankful song, towards this country and it's people.

"I could care less about censure" says Ri cardo Arjona in a recent interview with a Gua temalan newspaper. After airing his new al bum, he is constantly criticized by the media, but the proud Guatemalan singer\author could care less, for his goal is to get his message through in every song he writes. "I don't understand why peopleget so sur prised with the song Si el Norte Fuera El Sur, don't see what's so wrong in criticizing the American government, when they see usas a town made of clay and dust; I guess there is people who think of themselves as semi-gods, and the only one who can judge us is God himself." Regarding censure,the proudly Gua temalan author says that he could care less,for he knows his career will not be damaged dramatically,and as long as he can sing his songs publicly, he doesn't care about what peo ple say. Clear, precise and concise,that is Arjona. A man who speaks of things as they are,through his songs. A man who speaks little of his pri vate life because if he spoke of it, it would no longer be private. "I don't hide it, I just protect it." he says. Marriage... Arjona doesn't believe in it, which does not mean he has anything against it except, he believes in love and liberty and that sometime marriage will soon disappear. To conclude his interview with Prensa Li bre, Ricardo Arjona stated that there is no for mula to write, but it is a process of healing and freedom that awakes at any moment.


ophomcric

Masteries Jamie Brown

This is the first of a series of short mys teries I plan on writing throughout the year. All the information you need to know in or der to solve the mysteries will always be in cluded in the story - no tricks. See if you can solve this one:

relatives to whom distribute his wealth - that is, until we found this letter. "It is to Mr. Steinmann from his

recent bride, a German violinist back in Berlin. In the letter were plans for her to join Mr. Steinmann here in London last Wednesday, the day after

her husband's death." "Did she show?" asked Dr. Bullroak. She seemed only remotely interested. "Now comes the interesting part," Dr. Jeamings cut in, eager to please his colleague.

"Since she is his only living relative, she has

"An interesting situation," noted Detec

tive Jeamings.

"Yes," agreed the inspector. "And he doesn't have any other living relatives that we know of, nor did he leave a will or any other such document" There was a knock at the door. The dis tinguished young detective got up from his seat. Dr. Jeamings opened the door to Dr. Bullroak, the colleague of the former. "What news?" asked Detective Bullroak. The reply came from the inspector. "We have a case involving the death of a Mr. Jon Steinmann of Germany. He moved to Eng land shortly before his death, which was sudden and of natural causes. It had been assumed after his death that he had no living

the right to all his inheritance-" "Which could call some public attention," Bullroak added.

"Precisely," the inspector continued. "You

see, yesterday a young, frail blonde woman

showed up claiming to be Steinmann's wife newly arrived from Germany. She had all the right information and papers to prove her au thenticity. We were all set to entrust the inher itance to her when along comes an older, slightly heavyset woman also claiming to be Steinmann's bride, with all the same qualifica

tions as the first. "Upon my interview with the ladies I could find no flaws in either of the suspects1 stories. That's when I called Jeamings." Detective Bullroak turned to her colleague, "Have you spoken with them?"


"That was my next intention," learnings

answered. "Would you care to accompany me to the suspects' hotel this afternoon?" "Of course," she replied.

♦#♦

The two colleagues arrived at the inn shortly after three o'clock. Entering the lob by they saw two ladies rising to meet them. They fit the inspector's description perfectly.

"Good afternoon," greeted Dr. learnings.

He approached the older Ms. Steinmann and shook her hand. He winced as her ring dug into his skin. A quick glance at the younger Ms. Steinmann revealed the many rings she herself wore, and better judgment told learn ings to give a bow rather than a handshake this time. He introduced himself and Dr. Bullroak before they all sat down for the in terview.

Addressing the young blonde, Detective Bullroak said, "Would you mind quickly de monstrating your musical skill?" She hand ed the violin she'd prepared for the interview to the blonde, who set it up with cool con

fidence.

She played very professionally. The de tectives noted the many rings she wore on both hands; the wedding ring on the left, among several others. Once she'd finished playing she gave a pleasant smile and hand ed the instrument back to its owner. The older woman meanwhile sat glower ing at the blonde. As it was now her turn to prove her talent, she took the violin rather roughly and began to play the same piece as the first. Both women played flawlessly. However, unlike the first, the older Ms. Steinmann only wore one ring: the wedding ring that had pressed into Dr. Jeamings hand, he remembered. A knowing glance passed between the detectives. "Ma'am," addressed Dr. Jeam ings, "you are a very jealous woman. I think you owe Ms. Steinmann an apology."

♦♦♦

Now, the question is: Which suspect was Jeamings addressing? I COULD not tell you, and give the answer in the next edition of The Pulse; but I figure two months is a long time to wait for anyone who didn't get it already. So I'll just put it in very big print below:

It was the blonde. The older one only wore the wedding ring, and since it was the one that dug into the detective's hand when they shook, it was on her right hand. The blonde's wedding ring was on the left. If she had researched a little better before hand she^ would have known that it is German tradition to wear the wedding ring on the right hand. That's what gave her away.


esmntng

Eternal

Kyung Ro

The spiritual world is a mysterious un known dimension that always triggers the interest of humans. Since ancient civiliza tion, people developed the customs of hon oring their ancestors and spirits, the mighty Gods, and believing in mystics. The fear of death and the life after is the most signifi cant issue of almost any religion. Following the passage of time, a person increasingly

ponder upon their meaning of life, first in mere curiosity then slowly growing in fear. Many struggle in search of truth and their given destiny. They yearn for even the slightest glimpse of the future, groping for any passage through their darkness. Of course we teenagers haven't yet reached that point of desperation... or have we? Stop any person on the road and ask if they ever think seriously of their life. They would all probably look down with a queer expression and a twist of their mouth. You'd feel like a weirdo. Ah, but don't we all ab ruptly pause once in a while and over the path we are walking on? It is our nature to be curious. We can not look ahead at out fu ture, though many people have attempted to. They can only predict and theorize. Some throw their own beliefs and reason into other people's laps and force them to be equal as they are. An awful way to seduce somebody. At this youthful age, the time seems like eternity and is full of energy and sparkling

spirits. The middle age steps are devoted to work and worries about children. However, it is old age that has the greatest influence of thought about death. Always fearing to be a burden, or either drained of strength; those lonely, peaceful times that allows the space to think about what lay ahead. They do not know,

and that becomes the seed of fear. Fear grows, layer upon layers, planting the seed in the heart, deeply, to hide it from others and ignore its existence. Then they would unconsciously water it with anguish and shine it repeatedly with interminable worries. The seed grows into a plant, an individual life form, so powerful and blossoming that it can't be destroyed. For some it is fear that becomes the funda mental basis of our human society. Almost everything is cause by fear (usually the bad things, or either bad things with an eventual happy ending ... or good things that gets spoiled, turning out as the worst). No matter how physically powerful, wealthy, nor with great control, all human beings tend to have different sets of fears deep down. It would be to keep heaping sand over it, but will always rise up again. So then they desperately rake for hopes and peace in their mind. They abhor the feeling of smallness and powerless against the evil. Now comes the beginning of the develop ment of their own personal beliefs and reason ing; for something to cling onto that will reas sure them. People start speaking out their mind


in public, sharing it with others, then comes the agreements of the clashes between dif ferent notions. Ideas join and form groups, the groups grow and becomes grand organi zations called religions, each religion states different religious beliefs with distinct gods and customs. Nevertheless, it is believed by some that all the religions have originated from the same root. They have many similar aspect within their faith. People either

choose to have a specific religion, or simply believe in nothing at all, or in other hand turn toward magic, superstition, and philoso

phy.

There are numerous theories upon the subject of life after death. Buddhism claims that when a person dies, his soul is judged with the deeds he has done during his life time, and is either reborn into a human or an animal. Christianity say that after death, again based on the course of life he had tak en, a person is sent to the Paradise or either left on earth waiting for the Judgment Day. Some claim that the spirits enter the body of a living human in shame for his sins that can be known by other spirits. Another theory is that there is nothing after death. This period of life when we walk around the earth is the whole, and death is simply the end of life. There is no such unknown world after. Does spirits truly exist? or are they simply "fakes." Then what is the explanation for all the phenomenon that occur around our society? What could possibly explain those occurrences that go against the logic of nature? Many refuse to believe these hap penings, simply judging them as tricks. If it was so, then why are there so many and so similar, and why couldn't anybody really prove them wrong? No matter how complete and detailed the clarification, none of them are able to fully crush down the doubts. Do you want to test your depth of be lief? If you do believe in spirits, then try this method that I learned from a friend. Put a glass of pure mineral water in front of you and concentrate on it. Pray to yourself or call on the good spirits. If you truly trust in what you are doing and are totally serious

about it, then youTi suddenly see bubbles

forming in the water as though it was a soda ... or says my friend (though I never tried it

myself). There are also other various ways of

supposedly achieving contact with the spirits; such of games, reunions, or ceremonies of those sort. Is it true? Who know! Or maybe there are spirits in the world, but have absolutely no re lation with living humans. They could be exist ing in a distant space where no one can reach or find. Either maybe when we die, we first turn into spirits, fly over to a distant planet, and are reborn as aliens! I wonder if any of those Martians are my relatives ... They may be controlling our mind and bring different for tunes for different individuals. We are aware of those groups that are pointed to "be chosen." The preachers, fortune tellers, prophets, miracle-makers and many more; all supposedly having the special superi or power than normal person. There are psy chics or even astronomers that predict the fu ture, some seeming to be true. A strike of luck? There is also the theory that spirits are respon sible for bringing good luck to a person or eith er strike down those who dishonor them. The believers hold great importance in keeping the spirits content, holding rituals and ceremonies with gift and foods. For they believe that if by any chance the spirits are angered, the whole family or community could be destroyed and bring bad lucks. Family members can get ill and suffer, and even die. We are mortals. We do not have the mighty powers of the God nor the awesome immortal. There have been many attempts to search for eternal youth and the making of certain sub stances to give beauty and continuous life. All are a failure. People must accept the fact that death will fall upon us with no exception, but only at distinct times. Some die in sickness, some in accidents, some of natural death, some are murdered, and some meet their end in sui cide. It is a maddening concept to be laid upon us, something that we would gladly refuse if we had the choice ... or either accept with ea gerness.

All humans live in this word with different backgrounds, distinct features, different intel ligence and talents, and personalities. Whatev er each individual believes on, it is important for each to live their life to the fullest extent. They must live according to their reasoning. Never Fear.


l^ubcn

Kcro, Mv| Anonymous

"Margarita"... I remember the first time I read that name in a story book. It was then and forever after has been the most beautiful poem I've ever read; it was the beginning of my inspiration.

Margarita esta linda la mar? y elyiento lleva esencia sutil de azahar; yo siento en mi alma una alondra cantar; tu acento...

I was nine years old, and on a Friday af

ternoon my mom came home at the usual

time, in her arms a box. She called me downstairs and we opened it, and in it were four books of stories and poems. Together,

we read a few, until she stopped and read out loud a long poem about a young princess who wants to reach the stars, but her father doesn't let her. When finished reading it, my mother said "When I was your age I loved this poem, but unfortunately never found the right time to memorize it". On the following day, at around the same time, I could recite the poem by memory. From that day on there has been a bond with the author, my hero, Ruben Dario.

Bora in Metapa, Nicaragua, Felix Ru ben Garcia Sarmientos became a poet at age 14. His works were inspired by his painful

childhood, and he later chose the pseudonym Ruben Dario from his father's nickname. In 1886 the modernist poet left Nicaragua to trav el around the world. With his exquisite writing skills and inspiration, Dario published his first major work " AzuV\ which marked the begin ning of modernism. Dario later became a cor respondent for a Buenos Aires newspaper in Europe. In 1914 he published his most cher ished work, "Songs of Life and Hope". He died poor and ill in Nicaragua on Feb. 6 1916. After learning of his painful, unreward ing life I was inspired by him once again and

wrote this poem.

Tanta pasion tuviste Padre â&#x20AC;&#x201D;al elegir tu arte. Tu mente fue tu iglesia, tu pluma tu biblia. Pero de que sirve ahora tu grandeza Si en vida, no hubo mas que decepcion y pobreza. De que sirven mis lamentos por tu muerte. Heroe, Dios ausente. Que me queda mas que tu experiencia mas que esta amarga ausencia.

Oh, padre de mis suenos9 de mi dolor de mi complejo Con tus himnos guia mi sendero. MARGARITA


)ourn*\$ from

Ben Baldizon

Every day, Mrs. Smith made each of her classes write journals for ten to twenty minutes at the beginning of class. The top ics of these journals range from the incred ibly bizarre, like a tale about usual objects with unusual uses or a story about a clock, a stapler, and an eraser, to the more personal, like peoples reactions to certain events. Put together here for the first (and probably the last) time is a collection of several of these journals from young, hopeful, (deluded) au thors.

But Wait!

By: Kevin Baldizon

I sat there. A lonely trash bucket, on the floor of the second story of a high school building under the white board. My beauti ful aqua-marine coat of paint reflecting off light from the electrically charged neon above. The room enjoyed a lovely view of the forest nearby through its two meter windows, opposite of me. The hypnotic rush of the powerful Silvus River that ran right next to the school could be heard throughout the room. It was good to be a trash bucket that day. All of a sudden my invisible, but ex tremely sensitive, soungongs picked up the sound of a commotion outside the room. The noise seemed to be coming closer and closer. Suddenly, a young high school stud ent crashed through the door of the room. I saw him out of my peripheral vision, for the door was on the same wall as me. He had short brown hair, a pretty decent face and an incredibly panicked look. I had seen him of ten around the school and knew he went by the name of Kabuki. Through the open door I could hear the chants of a large multitude. "Armhair and nails, armhair and nails," chanted the crowd. My incredibly compact, but extremely powerful central processing unit immediately realized that those were the chants of the dreaded BOok-o-bites and they were after the young man. Somehow, deep

CUss

inside, I knew they were after his armhair and nails which they would sacrifice to their wom en, ferocious creatures from the nether world. The kid needed help, he was trapped in this room with no way out. But Wait! Here I was! Kabuki picked me up and I used my fantastic metamorphosing abilities to change into a handy window smasher. KA POWW! The window was history. Kabuki now faced a new problem. He looked out the window two sto ries down. Unlike the bad guys in most movies Kabuki could never survive a drop from here. But Wait! Here I was!!!! Once again I made the Power Rangers look like ama teurs with my morphing ability. I became a parachute which gracefully let Kabuki float down... ...into the rapids of the Silvus River below. Now he was in a pickle. He could never stay afloat in these rapids. But Wait! Here I was! Morph'en TIME! I became a boat that made the SS Minnow pale in comparison. Kabuki had found safety again. Together we sailed down the tropical banks of the Silvus river, dodging BOok-o-bite ambushes with my super steering abilities, down to Kabuki's house. He got out only to find his twin bearing down on him with a dung loaded slingshot. What would he do now? But Wait! Here I was! Melding my powers to Kabuki's I be came a super powerful body shield, able to re pel any dung blast. Kabuki's twin expended his ammo and then we struck. I morphed into a Twin-Tower. POW! BAM! KAZAM! Ka buki's twin went flying to who-knows-where (a land bordering the nether world). Kabuki was safe. Well, Kevin, this is an amazing story you got here, especially consid ering the measly amount of time we had to write these things. Now we will move on to another creative story about urn, little purple sandcastle shoebeans, by Jeff Brown. Are you bored? Sick of school? Sick of home? Sick of the same dang routine every day? Well, let's pretend you are. So how can


we fix that? A change!! Come with me and let's journey to a far-off world, a completely different, weird world, where you just couldn't get bored. Let us become =little purple sandcastle shoe-beans= You get up from your sandy bed. Your name is Indiana Garbanzo Jones. Your life= to rescue distressed lady-beans, to battle the

forces of evil, and to speak in a deep, ma cho-bean voice (it is beyond the power of a bean to look tough, so you must settle for an intimidating voice).

After brushing you face and watering yourself, you hop out the door, looking for adventure. You can't remember why you are in this strange labyrinth of dark, sandy tunnels because evolution has not bestowed you race with long-term memory. So you wander through the tunnels, aimlessly searching for a dastardly deed-doer to pick a fight with. You come around a dark corner and find...

Nothing. So you hop through the tun nels, peeking in here and there at different rooms. Suddenly, you find one that has â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Nothing. So you yell, "Hey! Is anybody here? Or am I the only stupid purple bean around?"

It echoes through the castle, and then you hear a response, very faint, in the dis

tance: "Do you play the flute?" "Uh, why no," you reply.

"Cool.

nonband?"

I don't either.

Want to start a

"Okay." So you both eventually find each other, and your new-found friend hands you a flute. You're not sure what to do with it, so you start to drum on your protein-filled stomach. The other guy clicks two harmoni cas together.

Through the abandoned halls of the cas tle of sand, the echoes of two grooving beans are all the nonexistent audience hears. Then the little boy, that built the castle on his foot, gets up and leaves, you two beans are buried in the sand and three days later are rolled away. So you see, you don't have it all that bad. Now that is one truly bizarre credit and I felt inclined to ask Jeff where he got the idea from but then I

thought he might tell me another one of these stories and Ifm not sure I can handle two of those in on year. Coming up next are two really weird, anonymous stories with the same motivating idea but just about nothing in common. The incredible to pic of these tales is: A story with a clock, a stapler, and an eraser. The clock goes tock. Tick, tock. The clock annoys the rock. Rock, rock. The stapler goes click. Clack, click. The stapler and the rock, going click-tock, they annoy the rock. I'm writing on a board. Are you - board?

Bored, board, the rock got bored. The clock ticks off the rock. The rock picks up the clock. "Click!" He throws it at the stapler, and the clock gets gored. Stapled to the board. Then the board, roared. The board want help. Help from kelp? No. Help from felt? The eraser is felt! He hears the board yelp, and he comes to help. Wipe, wipe. No more poem. Now we have a completely different approach to this story by another brave senior. The young stapler sat on the floor. He had fallen from his perch on the old oak and was now up to his head in grass, smelling the odors some cow's ex-meal through his acme stapler nose. The poor soul was all alone; not another soul in sight. "Clipitty, clipitty, clipitty," went the stapler, trying to get someone's attention through Morse code. He needed help to get back into the tree. All of a sudden there was a whooshing noise and out of the sky popped a white board eraser! His sleek wood body, hov ering in the air, reflected the sunlight, making him look very majestic. "I heard your "clipitty" and came to your rescue," said the eraser. "You may call me Tryk." The stapler went, "Clipitty." "Ah," said Tryk, "your name is Clipitty. Well, it's great to meet ya. Hop on!" So Clipitty hopped on to Tryk and off they went. "Where to?" yelled Tryk over the noise of the wind. But all Clipitty said was, "Clipitty." "I know! I'll take you to the Count Clock," said Tryk. "We'll travel back in time to find out why you need help." So they flew over mountains and through valleys, under


oceans, skimmed over vast forests until they came to a giant old Grandfather Clock., Count Clock. "What do you want this time, Tryk," boomed Count Clock. "Hey old bud dy. What's up," said Tryk, his voice incred

ibly small sounding compared to the Count's. "Mind if we do some time travel ing?" Counts deep laugh filled the sky. "Ah, Tryk, fro you, anything," roared the gi ant clock. Tryk then began to fly full speed towards the center of the counts face, where the hands met. Now Clipitty had been watching all this with fascination. This giant old entity, prob ably immortal, was friends with the simple white board eraser and now the insignificant eraser was charging the immortal. There was a flash of light, all Clipitty's senses went awry, up become down, not p equaled q. Bang! Reality was restored, sort of. A huge fire breathing dragon (it was breathing fire at the moment) was flying straight at the eraser and stapler. Not missing a beat, Tryk swerved around the ferocious behemoth. Within Clipitty a feeling of dread was overpowered by a sense of fighting. Staples began flying out of Clipitty's super staple shooter. The dragon went down in a barrage of staples. "Nice shooting," said Tryk. "I think we went back a little to far. Hey Count! Get with it." A loud "OOPS" reverberated in the sky. Bang, smack, pow. They were at the old, old oak. Tryk was going too fast and crashed into the tree apd Clipitty went flying, landing on a branch of the tree. The blow was so hard that he got amnesia. All of a sudden, clipitty fell to the ground. The smells of a cow's ex-meal filled his acme stapler nose. "Clipitty, clipit ty, clipitty," went the stapler... Now we shall hear an equally bi zarre story with a different topic from Tomas Lin. Following is a story about ant warriors. In a dark corner within the jungles of a blue planet in a three star system existed the legend of the tribe of the Hawkneiests. The Hawkneiests were a tribe of highly intelli gent blue ants. Although they were normal ly pacific, the Hawkneiests had a reputation of being very fierce warriors when pro

voked. On the other side of the planets existed the Rianokees, a union of green and yellow ants that came together under the leadership of the great Mohatta, a mysterious that manifested its desires to the Chiefs of both tribes. The great

Mohatta appeared to the green chief, Rishkuanta, in the form of a giant head, yet the yel low chief, Jokana, only saw him as a dense mist that came in at night. However, at the ar rival of Mihatta, the formerly dilapidated lands had become prosperous and the brightness that once kissed the temples had returned after one thousand years of absence. One day, for reasons still unknown, Mohat ta ordered a meeting with both tribe chiefs. The two ants entered the sacred woods, coming out two days later with orders to build a strange series of networks to jump over the strange purple miasma that isolated the small peninsula on which both tribes lived in. Jokana and Rishkuanta also gave orders to polish the armors that were left to rot two hundred years ago when the war between the nations terminated. As the bravest warriors were selected, the networks of transports were terminated with the devine powers of Mohatta. As the gray moons shone, the great warriors readied their shiny mandibles to go face the blue Hawkneists, a tribe they only knew about from the legends told by the ancient books. The leader of the green ants was Kaikashiva, a young warrior famed for her bravery and her strength. She was exited to test her skills against the tribe of dark legends. The Hawk neiests were known to attack tribes of invaders as soon as they entered their territory so the ants, especially Kaikashiva, were prepared to face the tribe. However, when they arrived at the island where the Hawkneiests lived, nothing hap pened. It was all peaceful. The villages were empty, no trace of any living being was ever detected. The warriors decided to eat in the small vil lage and see what Mohatta ordered them to do. On the first nights, nothing happened. Howev er, when the sun came down on the eleventh night, a strange howl crept through the woods. All the warriors prepared for battle: the face paint came on, the mandibles were ready, each leg was stretched, the armors made of wax


were placed on the warriors. They sat in cir cles, waiting for the enemy.

Suddenly, a blue light appeared in the dark sky. More and more appeared on the

trees on top of the village. A voice screamed, "Leave this land or face the dark Hawkneiests!" A few of the warriors began to feel fear, but their code forbade them

from leaving battle.

The blue lights de

scended from the clouds; they were the Hawkneiests, twice the size of normal ants and with eyes burning hotter than the stars. Kaikashiva let out her scream of fury and bit off the leg of the blue warrior closest to her. The other ants began to fight as well. Body parts began flying everywhere, the la ments of the wounded began to blend with the screams of the battle, blue, yellow, and green blended into a chaotic rainbow. The blue ants were obviously superior and the warriors began falling one by one. Kaikashiva was the last to go. The last thing she could remember was the bright yellow eye of a blue ant staring at her, sucking out her spirit. When she woke up, Kaikashiva saw that her arms were blue, she had become a blue ant . . . The medicine man of the blue ants came to her and welcomed her in becoming a Hawkneiest. The shaman explained to her that Mohatta was the Hawkneiest queen, but she did not give birth to her subjects, she ac quired them by converting the best warriors into Hawkneiests, in exchange for giving peace to the tribe. Now Kaikashiva has become a Hawkne

iest warrior, the extreme in existence, a pun dit in converting souls, the godlike creature in that far away planet surrounding the three stars...

That was definitely a strange story Tomas, a very strange story. But now we will move on from fan tastic stories to more personal, re alistic journals, starting with Oscar's reaction to something that caught his attention.

This reminds me of a few weeks ago when I was driving down a major road here in Guatemala city. My younger brother was

riding in the passenger seat and I was driving. We were following my mom and my dad to a friends house. While driving on the right lane a bus sud denly stopped right in front of me (of course I am being sarcastic when I say this is not a ster eotypical situation of what bus drivers do in Guatemala). I felt like I had no choice but to swerve and continue my forward momentum in the left lane. Little did I know, and rather abs ent mindedly, that there was a speeding white car advancing rapidly in the left lane behind me. It was only a matter of seconds afterward that I heard the loud screeching noise behind me of tires skidding g to a sudden stop. I then looked up into the rearview mirror and saw a white car facing sideways a few feet from my car. Suddenly I became very scared as well as shocked. Primarily because I had almost had an accident and secondly because I was sure I had made some one very angry. I then drove off, attempting to catch up with my parents again and hoping that they would turn off soon. Unfortunately, and might I add unluckily, we continued on a direct course. The car which had almost crashed into me, along with it's angry driver, soon caught up to me. At this point in time I didn't know what to do so I rolled down my window to hear exactly what the man was yelling at me. He basically told me to be more careful, of course in an angry tone. I was so relieved that he didn't do anything more than that. My little brother was with me during this whole episode and he didn't have to experience anything dramatic. One of the out comes of that occurrence is that I am now more careful and alert as a driver. The bad part of the story, however, is that was not the first nor the last time that I cut somebody off on the road. Well, that's all the time we have for today and wouldn't you know it that's all the journals I got too. What an amazing coincidence. By the way, if it seems like this article favored senior journals that was because this article did indeed favor senior journals. So long and I hope there won't be a next time. THE END


A PJJlUWPJ-llCAL llsbkJilT INT^ VOQQL CPJ^< MA Kyung Ro

Ugh, this just isn't my day. Look at that. Just look at the rain falling so proudly

on me. Wait a minute! It's ruining my beautiful fur! I just had a fresh shower to day and look what I get. Those dumb humans, leav ing me out here in the yard, all raining; they are all so ignorant and uncaring. How could they do this to me? They are probably looking out side, cursing at the rain, getting all moody, while listening to some lou sy classical music. The idea of their poor, innocent little dog drowning in the

catastrophic rain water might just have escaped their mind. What if I catch a cold, or some unknown disease? I'll be slowly dy ing in pain and with much suffering. Then they should realized the falseness of their careless action. I would make them grieve for their extensive loss. On the other hand, why should I die? My death will bring only a short term of satisfaction. No, I won't do that. It's a lousy idea. I got to think of some other way to make them feel the pain. Why should I be out here in the first place? Just because of that little rascal, claiming to have been attacked. Yeah right! Why should I even bother with such an in significant thing? What is the world becom ing? I was the only one to recognize her evil idea of pleasure; to see me in the worst tor ture. My poor paws; it's so cold that I can't even feel them. That lazy old goat, can't he even build a normal dog house? It's not as though I want those with fancy designs and luxuries (though I won't refuse it if it was given). You think I want to be out here in the rain? NO, I prefer the comfort of a nap beside the cozy fireplace, being brushed by a servant. Now, that's life I can't believe this. They are actually not coming out to get

me! They are so foolish. They do not realize the mor tal sin to leave any signifi

cant life out in the street with no protection against the cold and evil. I want a lawyer to sue them for ani mal cruelty. I want justice! Those dumb humans; so un educated, so blind, and so unaware of the truth. I hate them all, and they actually think I am a sort of entertainment (snort!). They don't even accommodate the capability to satisfy my needs. Can you believe they actually expect me to do tricks for a distasteful doggie biscuit, or those smelly, worn-out bones? Maybe a chunk of steak with delicate spices sprinkled on it would be acceptable, but I have to keep my pride! Such worthless deed they ask! How ungraceful, and so unnoble. I just can't stand them anymore. Those Homo Sapiens just aren't able to grasp the reason of our existence, nor embrace the deep wisdom of the environment. They are too dumb! Why can't they just leave us alone? Ah, I know. It is their slightest instinct that keeps them aware of the danger that will come upon them if we are loose. So those creatures can think, eh? They know we have to be kept on guard and had enslaven us as their property. That's what they think. We doggies are envied of our superior knowledge and instinct; moreo ver, the humans are no exception. They try to conceal his idea that hangs in the the corner of their consciousness. Yes, they fear us. I could see it in their watery, dull eyes; the smallest twinkle of panic doesn't escape my keen, watchful sensors. How I could prove this? As a matter of fact, that is quite a simple question to be reasoned. For instance, why do they ever harness us with elaborate ropes, leather strips, or those skin-piercing collars? It's so obvious. It is the prevention for us from escaping their


grasp and achieving freedom. They continu ously tug painfully at our neck to warn us, or

either to give reassurance to themselves. Sure there are also the modern harnesses that goes around our body; however, there function are the same. I must assure you that the creatures who uses the ropes are the smart ones, because they think. There exist

some fools, like the guys in my house, who have faith on our loyalty and the friendship. What moronic! Don't they see the possibility of my betrayal in any moment? I guess there mind doesn't reach until those depths.

Why don't I just go ahead and leap over the fence? Ah, you see, it's all part of my in genious plan. Yes. I've been at this for a whole hour and when I get into action, the whole world would tremble. Only it's not the right time. One by one I would take over every major system of this country. I will have the total control over them and they'll certainly follow my command. Do they not know the power within me? They will be come aware of the shadow I cast upon them, so darkly and widely that there is no possi ble escape. It will be to place them upon my front paw and play with it. I will raise up the power of doggies to greatest height, with no limit, and then will come the time of re venge. All those humiliation, belittling, and ignorance... they will pay for it. Oh yes. They will. Even in this moment, those

creatures doesn't realize the grave sin they are committing. Each act will be written down on my memory, and each will be pun ished for. I will reveal to you a secret that all dogs got stored in their head since their birth. Be fore the creation of the world, that is, before the existence of Adam and Eve... doggies were the only existing creature in the whole eternity! Yes, yes! It is the truth. We had en joyed those days of floating around empti ness. Nothing existed, but everything lived in that period. We were the rulers of our own kind. There was no rulers, no laws, no limits, and no nothing. There was no such thing as power over another. Those unexisting days were the merriest time of our dog gie's memory. It is a repetitious cycle that could not be broken. Soon, lead by myself, doggies will destroy the world. All human

beings and other animal species will be termi nated along with all human knowledge and works, then the world of emptiness would be back.

Hmmf! So those idiots have actually re membered to turn the knob of the door. Where have they been all along? Now that the sun in shining, they finally got their butt up. I'm sure they wouldn't even notice my existence... Hey, they are walking up to me. What is that in their hand? I can't see it very well... It's, it's a doggie biscuit and a can of Doggie Chow! Now calm down. I must have dignity. Never forget the fact that those type of food certainly does not reach my exquisite taste... No, No, No! Stay away! Don't you dare stick that thing under my nose (wine), no, don't, no, wha....! (chomp, chomp, chomp) I told you I didn't want them! Did you see that? (chomp, chomp, gulp!) You have just witnessed them in the act of delib

erately pushing the food toward my clenched mouth, urging me on. I just ate that biscuit only in hesitant response of their deadly warning... Hey, by the way, is there anymore left? What? You want me to roll over for that? For a single rod of biscuit? Get real; make that two. Okay, but promise me you'll give me the bone, (roll-roll-) Okay, now give me what is mine (groan-)I forgot. My pride, yes, I must keep it up. They probably is brainwash ing me. Focus, you dog! Focus! hmm, hmm... ... Now don't dare to seduce me. Don't touch me! Hey, cut it out. Wait, yeah that's the spot. I'm getting itchy all over. Here, scratch this side too. OOh, that feels good! Yo, you forgot to rub down my stomach. Mmmm, now brush my tail Ugh, I did it again. My pride, my pride... NO, NO! Not the fetching stick... I don't want to see it Why are you torturing me so? Please leave me alone., you morons! Oh all right. What are you waiting for? Hurry up and throw! Me? Beg? I won't do it. An extra doggie biscuit? Well, I don't know. Okay, fine, what do I have to loose? <your pride, your pride (a small distant voice from no where)> Oh shut up! It's just this time so mom, stop pawing in my life! I'm already two years old! sheesh- ... okay, where were we? Oh yeah, the biscuit, (paw up, pitiful wine, tongue hanging down, large watery, brown eyes, an innocent sad puppy look)...


BS

The Naked Ape Valle

A

long

time

ago

a

man

named

Weschester Buttlugge, who had lived in London, England, came to the United States of America to study in the police academy in New York. He studied four years and they sent him to Los Angeles. He lived there for 6 years in Los Angeles killing hobos and street rats. Then, by accident, Buttlugge

killed his boss. He was then fired and was thrown out on the street. Buttlugge spent

many days at his friends house in New York, until one day he saw some gangsters going into a highrise building. The gangsters

weren't armed, but had bad faces. That night x-cop Buttlugge planed to make an attack. He got out his rope, tommygun, knife, re

volver and his switchblade from the closet. He strapped on his bulletproof vest and his cowboy hat. At 1:30 am Weschester Buttlugge went out with his plan. He climbed the building and looked through the big skylight which was located on the roof. Bingo, there they were, all three of them, illegaly playing poker. Buttlugge tied one end of the rope to his waist, the other to the

building. He was ready for action! He jumped through the window... glass

flew everywhere! Glass flew to the floor. Then the gangsters looked up in amasment. Glass went through a gangster. He screamed and then he colapsted. Blood spewed out of

his chest.

"One down, two to go!"said Buttlugge. Then as he fought he remembered that these were the men who stold the bank last week. Then Buttlugge grabbed the last two gangsters by the neck and then slammed their heads together. Buttlugge then placed a tear gas bomb and ran for dear life. When he got to the bottom, two security guards blocked the front door. But that didn't stop ol' Buttlugge. No siry, nope, why Buttlugge just ran right through the brick wall of the building. On the sidewalk stood two odd

looking figures. The two each other.

figures looked at

One was geometric looking, it had a trian

gle head with a dot in the middle. His body was a upside down triangle with a big mouth in the middle. His shiny tin glistened in the sun. The other figure was a cyclopes. It had a circular head with a dot in the middle. Its mouth was curved at the bottom of his eye. He had striped shorts and matching t-shirt. They were both robots. The cyclopes had no IQ. Buttlugge stood looking at the cyclopes. To him he looked stupid and fat. Buttlugge took out his tommy gun, aimed it at the cyclopes' eye and blew a perfect hole through his eye. The geomecritc figure screamed out "Hey you can't do that...", "He's my friend!" Buttlugge suddenly grabbed him and twist ed his head off. Then the robot replied, "You have my permition." Suddenly the cyclopes said "Why don't we be friends." Buttlugge replied, "Ok, My name's Buttlugge." "My name's Skippo," said the geometric figure. "Well, then my name must be Bebo." Said the cyclopes. Bebo started to cry with happiness!Bebo then said, "This is the happiest day of my life." They all stood there waiting for an idea. Suddenly can a voice cried out, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Help meeeeee!" A tomato came running in their direction.

VR000000000M! came the sound of a truck. Then SPLAAT!!! Tomato flew everywhere.Then Skippo whispered, "Ok." Then the three headed for a hotel to spend the night. Then a voice boomed in the distance...


TiAS CKV <ÂąE(XQ- AMD YILU6..." The Naked Ape Valle

Sandy sat there confused in the daylight. In such a stance he thought of the way the butterflies wings flapped. And of course he knew how they worked. The butterflies wings flapped very fast and it would hover over the flowers. Sandy thought of the clouds he could see in a minute. As he lay there he wished with the sky clear and blue and the grasshoppers mingaling. Sandy could not have picked a better time and place to watch time go by. Ever since his dad told him that they were once again go ing to Maine he was thrilled and went to the kitchen to prepare some ham and lettuce sandwiches. As they prepared the delightful treat, Sandy wished Frederic would have a good time at the picnic. But that brought back painful memories. It reminded Sandy of the time Frederic was on the picknic trip a year ago. He had his new Ralph Lauren Polo knitted shirt on and was playing with the frisbee when he fell on the ground. It left a very ugly stain, Frederic ran back to the picnic area in tears. Sandy then started to cry and his dad ran into the van. Soon Sandy's dad rushed back with the "resolve" but it was too late, for the

stain was. . . PERMANENT!!! Poor Sandy started to cry because he felt sorry for his older brother. Sandy blamed it on himself and got a whipping! "AHHHHH! Goldarn it dad don't hurt me...", exclaimed Sandy... Well, Sandy finished the sandwiches and the relish juice. They then loaded it onto the van. Sandy and Fredric climbed in the car. Sandy took one last look at the house and thought (He's a big thinker) that in 16 hours he would see it again, they headed for the pond. It was a chilly August mid-day. The sun set in the west and a strip of orange paint filled the sky; it was beautiful. As they rode into the nothingness Sandy drifted from

the conscious state to the alpha state in which he had an exquisite dream. Sandy's trance was so deep that his unconscious mind took over and he forgot what he dreamed. Then the con scious mind took control of his mind when he was bumped by his brother. Sandy's eyes refocused and he rubbed the crusty flakes off from around his eye. He passed his hand through his hair and looked around. In such gay harmony he leaped into the sky in joy "Oh Fabulous day!!!!!", they were there. He ran out of the van and looked at the clear blue water. Sandy got out the suitcase out of the car and opened it up! Out popped his girlfriend Bernard!! Ber nard hugged him in such happy amber. They spent the day in such happyness until night took over and they started to pack up and leave. Sandy had had so much fun that day and wished it would never end. Then Sandy started to cry as they left the parking lot. It was a long and tiresome trip home. When they rolled into the garage Sandy was very discouraged that his family could not afford the 10 extra gallons to get them home. As Sandy's dad worked out a treaty with the tow truck driver Sandy walked into his shack. He fluffed his floor mat and blew out his candle. Sandy said goodnight to his pet cockroach (Bill) and said good night to the world. The next dayjvas a pretty bad day for the old lugger. He woke up and his pet roach, was cat lunch. Bill was a pancake. Squished inside out. And Fredricks pet cat, Presius was very thankful. But that was only the beginning, when Sandy rolled out of his cardboard room he SAW...

TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO SANDY AND WHAT HE SAW TAKE A LOOK AT THE NEXT ISSUE. AND FOR MORE EXCITING EPISODES OF SANDY AND HIS LIFE ITSELF ALSO LOOK AT THE NEXT ISSUE!!



The Maya Pulse - Volume 2, Issue 1