An Open Letter to Suicide SATB by Cristian Larios

for the No-Name Chorale, Belleville, Illinois. Dr. Andy Jensen, Director

An Open Letter to Suicide SATB Chorus A cappella

poem by Chelsea Smith music by Cristian Larios

crstnlrs.com | (815) 701-2368 | crstnlrs.music@gmail.com

about this work: On December 7th, 2015, Chelsea Smith decided she was done with depression. On a bench in the Bone Student Center, the education student wrote a spoken word poem detailing her struggles with mental illness and suicidal thoughts. She recorded herself performing the spoken word poem in her dorm room and posted it publically on Facebook. It quickly gained over 100 comments, 84 shares and over 5,000 views. Chelsea’s poem caught the attention of Kristin Moroni, director of the Illinois State University Womens Choir. With Chelsea’s permission, Kristin sought out a composer to transform the poem into a piece for the ISU Women’s Choir to perform. Chelsea agreed, and, five months later, junior Music Composition and Music Education major Cristian Larios agreed to compose the music for the project. The piece features a variety of haunting melodies and motives to represent the internal struggles that Chelsea faced. There are also many dissonances and less conventional resolutions to build a sense of anxiety throughout the piece. In addition to passages from Chelsea’s text, An Open Letter also features text from Proverbs 31:25: “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future” Our goal with this piece was to start a dialogue about mental health and provide individuals with a sense of hope. An Open Letter takes the listener through a journey of survival and ends with the phrase “I will live” to symbolize the vow Chelsea made to herself never to let suicide win. If you or someone you know if suffering from suicidal thoughts/actions please seek imeadiate help: National Suicide Hotline- 1-800-273-8255 about the poet: Chelsea is thrilled to be working with Womens Choir on this unique piece during her third semester as a member. Chelsea began writing poetry when she was just eight years old and performed her first spoken word poem, “Stardust,” at To Write Love on Her Arms’ HOPE-n Mic Night at ISU last year. She has been acting since middle school and is currently a member of The Improv Mafia at ISU. Chelsea would like to thank the Operation Snowball program for helping her through high school, her best friends and improv teammates for encouraging her to be her best self, her counselor for believing in her when she couldn’t believe in herself, her family for accepting and loving her for who she is, and her mother, whose strength and love are the greatest gift in her life. about the composer: Cristian Larios (b. 1996) is a composer, conductor, vocalist, and educator from Joliet, IL. His works range from chamber music to larger choral works. Through his music, he hopes to empower the performers and provide the listener with a new perspective on the human experience. His music has been performed by the Illinois State Madrigals, The No-Name Chorale, SWIC Chamber Singers, and has been featured at the REDNote New Music Festival. Larios has also collaborated with the School of Theatre and Dance and Kristin Schoenback on Ellen Mclaughin’s, Oedipus. Cristian enjoys the collaborative process and is always looking for new adventures and challenges. In 2017, Larios was the recipient of the Harlan Peithman Music Scholarship for excellence in music theory and composition. Larios is currently a senior pursuing his Bachelors in Music Education-Choral and his Bachelors of Music in Theory/Composition from Illinois State University where he studied composition with Martha Horst, Roger Zare, Roy Magnuson, Joshua Keeling, and Carl Schimmel. He is avid supporter of flannel, flowers, and the sparkle emoji.

Text: An open letter to suicide: You have found me at my weakest. You have found me clawing at my wrists, crying out for attention from my mom. You have found me vomiting in the bathroom, lungs aching from panic attacks. You have found me strapped into an ambulance stretcher, legs shaking uncontrollably You have found me sacrificing all self-love to fit in, You have found me loving people who have destroyed me. You have found me always leaving parties early And you have found me even in my happiest moments, Falling over my smile like a shadow, Unfocusing my eyes and retreating my mind into the padded cell Where I sleep quietly with you. You have found me in college. You have found me covering my dark circles with makeup to hide my exhaustion, You have stopped my heart with each letter grade dropped And made it so difficult for me to pull them back up again. You have found me weak, Avoiding my friends, Sleeping away afternoons Because I am so afraid Of life without you holding my hand, Of a night without your fingertips stroking me to sleep. The kiss of your lips is an anesthetic, dulling my senses, A poison pulling me further and further from the people who love me. You have made me want to leave everyone just to be with you. When love found me and left me, you were there to fill the gaping hole in my heart And tell me that waiting years for the one Would not be nearly as sweet as an eternity in the ground. You told me I was worthless, That in this pain I had nothing else to give, That in this brokenness I was nothing but damaged goods, Shattered glass cutting the desperate hands of my friends and family as they reach in to pull me out But recoil and the sight of the blood. You have taken everything – You have taken my dreams and turned them into nightmares, You have taken my peace and turned it into this hell I am living. You are a toxin in my heart Making it hate, Making it break,

Making it give up But I will not give up. I have lived too long with pain to let you have me, I will not be yours. I choose who owns me, and you do not own me I refuse to be shackled to the sinking ship That is trusting in you. I refuse to die. My death will be wrinkles and ﬂowers. Not the pain pills in my desk, Not be the train down the street from my dorm room, Not the cars driving down the street at 40 mph, The cars driving by as I googled how fast steel needs to be going to end my life, My death will not be you. You will not be the death of me. I will live. I will live in isolation, I will live in anxiety attacks and self-loathing and tiny scars on my wrists and hips But I will live. I will live in perseverance, dragging this crippled heart behind me like a ball and chain, I will live. I will live in sunrises and warm blankets and long talks and laughter and the hugs of Ashley, A third grader who hugged me every single day I walked into her classroom. I will not let you take me from a world where Ashley needs me, I will not let you take me from this universe that needs me. I will not let you erase me from a future I deserve, I will not let you erase me from a life I will one day learn to love again. You tell me every day that no one truly loves me, But how can that be When I once made a baby smile in a grocery store, When I once dropped a kind deed in a pond like a pebble and it rose up As a tsunami of goodness When there are so many people who will cry when they hear this story Because you did not let me tell them I was dying. I refuse to die. I will live in spite of you. I will live in spite of every regret, every heartbreak, every illness that plagues my mind, every memory that manifests itself in you, I will live in joy. Dear suicide: I will live. -Chelsea Smith

______________________________________________________________________ Performance Notes: Spoken word should take precedent over music Cues for spoken word can be found at the bottom of the system in italics Grace notes should be on the beat Vibrato should be used as a dramatic eﬀect unless the harmonies are very close (ie. Sop. in mm. 44) IPA Symbols [ʒ] as in mirage [ŋ] as in strongly

An Open Letter to Suicide for Dr. Andy Jensen and the No-Name Chorale

Poetry by Chelsea Smith (b. 1996)

Cristian Larios (b. 1996)

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