An open letter to suicide full score by Cristian Larios

Commissioned by the Illinois State Univeristy Women's Chorus, Normal, Illinois. Professor Kristin Moroni, Director

An open letter to suicide SSAA Chorus A cappella

poem by Chelsea Smith

music by Cristian Larios email: crstnlrs.music@gmail phone: 815-701-2368

Program Notes: On December 7th, 2015, Chelsea Smith decided she was done with depression. On a bench in the Bone Student Center, the education student wrote a spoken word poem detailing her struggles with mental illness and suicidal thoughts. She recorded herself performing the spoken word poem in her dorm room and posted it publically on Facebook. It quickly gained over 100 comments, 84 shares and over 5,000 views. Chelsea’s poem caught the attention of Kristin Moroni, director of the Illinois State University Womens Choir. With Chelsea’s permission, Kristin sought out a composer to transform the poem into a piece for the ISU Women’s Choir to perform. Chelsea agreed, and, five months later, junior Music Composition and Music Education major Cristian Larios agreed to compose the music for the project. The piece features a variety of haunting melodies and motives to represent the internal struggles that Chelsea faced. There are also many dissonances and less conventional resolutions to build a sense of anxiety throughout the piece. In addition to passages from Chelsea’s text, An Open Letter also features text from Proverbs 31:25: “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future” Our goal with this piece was to start a dialogue about mental health and provide individuals with a sense of hope. An Open Letter takes the listener through a journey of survival and ends with the phrase “I will live” to symbolize the vow Chelsea made to herself never to let suicide win. If you or someone you know if suffering from suicidal thoughts/actions please seek imeadiate help: National Suicide Hotline- 1-800-273-8255 Poet: Chelsea is thrilled to be working with Womens Choir on this unique piece during her third semester as a member. Chelsea began writing poetry when she was just eight years old and performed her first spoken word poem, “Stardust,” at To Write Love on Her Arms’ HOPE-n Mic Night at ISU last year. She has been acting since middle school and is currently a member of The Improv Mafia at ISU. Chelsea would like to thank the Operation Snowball program for helping her through high school, her best friends and improv teammates for encouraging her to be her best self, her counselor for believing in her when she couldn’t believe in herself, her family for accepting and loving her for who she is, and her mother, whose strength and love are the greatest gift in her life. Composer: Cristian Larios (b. 1996) is a composer, conductor, vocalist, and educator from Plainfield, IL. His works range from a variety of choral and vocal music including solo piano works. Larios is also an accomplished arranger, having works commissioned by the ISU a cappella group Secondary Dominance, Illinois high schools, and professional artist. Cristian really enjoys the collaborative process and is always looking for new adventures and challenges. In 2017, Larios was the recipient of the Harlan Peithman Music Scholarship for excellence in music theory and composition. Larios is currently a junior pursuing his B.M.E. in Music Education-Choral and his B.M. in Theory/Composition from Illinois State University where he has studied composition with Roy Magnuson , Joshua Keeling and Carl Schimmel. He is an active member Illinois State Concert Choir and Madrigals and serves as the musical director of the Nu Omicron Chapter of Phi Mu Alpha. Larios also serves as the president of the Student Chapter of the American Choral Directors Association at ISU and serves as the Student Representative on the IL-ACDA Board.

Text: An open letter to suicide: You have found me at my weakest. You have found me clawing at my wrists, leaving marks to get attention from my mom. You have found me vomiting in the bathroom, lungs aching from panic attacks You have found me strapped into an ambulance stretcher with my legs shaking uncontrollably You have found me sacrificing all my self-love to fit in, You have found me loving people who have destroyed me. You have found me always leaving parties early And you have found me even in my happiest moments, Falling over my smile like a shadow, Unfocusing my eyes and retreating my mind into the padded cell Where I sleep quietly with you. You have found me in college. You have found me covering my dark circles with makeup to hide my exhaustion, You have stopped my heart with each letter grade dropped And made it so difficult for me to pull it back up again. You have found me weak, Avoiding my friends, Sleeping away afternoons Because I am so afraid Of life without you holding my hand, Of a night without your fingertips stroking me to sleep. The kiss of your lips is an anesthetic, dulling my senses, A poison pulling me further and further from the people who love me. You have made me want to leave everyone just to be with you. When love found me and left me, you were there to fill the gaping hole in my heart And tell me that years of waiting for the them Would not be nearly as sweet as an eternity in the ground. You told me I was worthless, That in this pain I had nothing else to give, That in this brokenness I was nothing but damaged goods, Shattered glass cutting the desperate hands of my friends and family as they reach in to pull me back But recoil and the sight of the blood. You have taken everything You have taken my dreams and turned them into nightmares, You have taken my peace and turned it into this hell I am living. You are a cancer in my heart Making it hate, Making it break,

Making it give up I will not give up I have lived too long with pain to let you have me, I will not be yours. I choose who owns me, and you do not own me I refuse to be shackled to the sinking ship That is trusting in you. I refuse to die. My death will be wrinkles and flowers. Not the pain pills in my desk, Not be the train down the street from my dorm, Not the cars driving down the street at 40 mph, The cars that I stood by as I googled how fast a car has to be going to end me My death will not be you, You will not be the death of me. I will live. I will live in isolation, I will live in anxiety attacks and selfloathing and tiny scars on my wrists and hips But I will live. I will live in perseverance, dragging my crippled heart behind me like a ball and chain, I will live. I will live in sunrises and warm blankets and long talks and laughter and the hugs of Ashley, A small third grader who hugged me every day when I came to tutor in her classroom. I will not let you take me from a world where Ashley needs me, I will not let you take me from a universe that needs me. I will not let you erase me from a future I deserve, I will not let you erase me from a life I will one day learn to love again. You tell me every day that no one truly loves me, But how can that be When my inbox is filled with unanswered messages, When there are pictures of family and friends all over my walls, When there are so many people who will cry when they see this Because you did not let me tell them I was dying. I refuse to die. I will live in spite of you. I will live in spite of every regret, every heartbreak, every illness that plagues my mind, every memory that manifests itself in you, I will live in joy. Dear suicide: I will live. -Chelsea Smith

___________________________________________________________________________________________ Performance Notes: Spoken word should take precedent over music Cues for spoken word can be found at the bottom of the system in italics Grace notes should be on the beat Vibrato should be used as a dramatic effect unless the harmonies are very close (ie. Sop. in mm. 44) IPA Symbols [ʒ] as in mirage [ŋ] as in strongly

An open letter to Suicide for Professor Kristin Moroni and the Illinois State Univeristy Women's Chorus

Poetry by Chelsea Smith (b. 1997)

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Normal, IL-September 2016