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N O C A THE B

04.01.11

Publication of the CSA

What if we

split screened?

By: Señor Unicorn Blood Makes You Live Forever

! Well its March 17th the “U day that people MAD ... nationwide drink beer problem? ... and dress up in green. dateable? ... You know the day, it 1st (the time of the computer comes and goes every year fool) you may wonder if science!” and so many people this is just a wonderful celebrate it fiercely, but world . So I really didn't how many people really know want to write about love because the point of St. Patty's day? We that's what every butt sniffer should really find a better writes about @Melissa Moore, reason to do those things to our @Thomas Morehouse, haha you two bodies @Brett Morehouse. Haha are tooooo cuuuutee! So when was but I know that you know that we facebook.com soooooooooooooo know that you know that we love annoying! Sorry had to get the you a whole bunch, never change! 15 sandwiches that I made during BFFEAEAEAEA!!!!<3<3 ;) the war!! U MAD that you read -Brett's Left Brain that...Problem? Well, it was February 14th the other day, the day of love. You know love....the word? It has as tragic but magic beginning and since it's April

You know!

-Brett's Right Brain

[1]


J BEEBS TWEETIN’

CAN YOU FIND ALL OF THE HIDDEN CRANDI’s? HINT: There are 7. lololol

I LOVE THE MOREHOUSE’S By: Eyecoodkare Less

“I like escalators cuz when they brake they just become stairs.”

! If you’re asking “who are the Morehouse’s?” then there is a good chance you’re living in a bomb shelter. Well, Brett and Tom are two of the most fantastically handsome (and charming) guys at this school; and here’s why: ! ONE: They are at school ALL.THE.TIME. I don’t think there has ever been a time where I’ve walked through the Great Hall and one of them haven’t been napping on the bench, dancing for money, or just yelling weird junk at people. Just last week, for example, Brett was dancing for money (or friendship but he prefers money). I think he said his approximate wages for the day were around $10. I told people “He’s a really good dancer,” trying to persuade them to give him cash. I ended up paying him 7 of the 10 dollars he made to dance across the stage in chapel while Jonny McGrimes was doing the announcements. I think everyone who didn’t go to chapel and paid 5 bones to the mystery fund that day really regretted it. ! TWO: Tom plays bass. I have been pretending like I’m not affected by his sweet musical skills, but the truth is -- he’s a complete stud. But when he picks up the bass, it’s like his attractiveness level goes up 600%. I’m not even telling a joke lol. ! THREE: Did I mention the distracting good looks? I mean, when I see Brett just taking a nap on the bench [2]

with his mouth wide open (with drool slightly dripping down the side of his face), I think to myself “I would be lucky to have a guy like that!” - he’s just so confident. I can’t keep my eyes off of him. And when I see Tom doing p90x in the “weight room” or lifting weights (or whatever it is that he does), I can barely keep myself from texting him and saying “lol you’re so cute” (and he doesn’t even text so that it’s impossible!) ! The moral of this story is that someone needs to scoop up one of these Morehouse brothers and it hardly matters which one. If one doesn’t like you, the other will do. They have good genes (and jeans too). I met their dog (Scamp) once. He/ she/it was pretty good. And they have a heated floor in their living room. Did I mention their sister Megan? She’s completely normal!!!!!! (AND SO COOL)!


GRAD CLASS RECEPTION April 6th - 6:30pm RSVP invites (in your mailbox) are due April 1st (TOOOOODAAAAAAAAY). Pass them into Tara Leger - she’s in MURRAY HALL front office. GO RIGHT NOW.

By: Ben Dover

I Like Old Fashioned Anesthesia ! So it’s April Fool’s Day. Really? I have no idea where this ridiculous non-holiday came from, but I will venture a guess. I had a picture go through my mind the other day of the population of a postVictorian era insane asylum being allowed to roam free once winter had subsided in England someplace. You know, “Let’s just arbitrarily choose the first of April as the day we let the crazies out for their first fresh air in four months,” that type of thing. I can just picture a tall, balding, middle-aged man who suffers from a mental condition that is nothing to laugh at, dressed in a pair of white two-piece pajamas running pell mell through a field of brown grass only stopping to urinate on one of his fellow patients who is in a catatonic state. Now, if you find this offensive I can’t blame you...it really is a less than dignified way to spend a sunny April afternoon, but this may have been the a reality for the first victims of April Fool’s Day. The offensiveness of the previous scene can only be offset by the response of the facility’s orderlies. They would probably tackle the poor patient then whack him across the head with a type of medicinal billyclub to render him unconscious; or

they may possibly just use a bit of chloroform, a type of ether-based anesthetic, to put him under. The point is that as the orderlies wrestle the peeing guy to the ground, and the catatonic patient, who is trapped in a trance-like state, would be watching the obscenity and urine laden roughhousing while cheering for the peeing guy as it takes two or three of the asylum’s staff to subdue him. “That’s it buddy! You show them! Just pee on them and they’ll leave you alone!” He would, of course, be unable to express these thoughts in any way whatsoever, but a private party would be going on in his mind. Had you been there watching you may have seen a solitary tear of joy roll down the cheek of this silent witness to the brutality that was 19th century mental health care. So, it’s April Fool’s Day, and I have no idea where this incredibly strange use for a day came from; but before you go off half-cocked to celebrate, think about where today may have originated and remember, a population is only as dumb as it’s dumbest member, just don’t let that one be you. Have a great day folks.

[3]


DARYL @ THE OFFICE By: Esmerelda Mallard Daryl leaned back in his chair and squinted at the clock. Was it “the day his septic really only 11:26? He had only been tank overflowed...” at work for a couple hours and already he was clock-watching - it was going to be a long day. He stretched his cramped arms towards the ceiling and sighed. Daryl, a grey time squirrel, was a paralegal and had been for he and the several years. Fresh out of law school, Honey Daryl had been keen to please and had Dipper had worked hard. Years of paper-pushing, returned however, had left him with a lackluster Daryl’s approach. The truth was, Daryl had plumbing back to normal. Ray was cheerful discovered his true calling and it was in true chickadee style, “Yah should’a now, as he ruffled some papers and began called me months ago! No wonder she to work on an article due later that day, flooded! Yous were backed right up to yer that he was bittersweetly reminded of it. ears I’d say, yer ears! No trouble at all He had been chosen for a feature article though, Honey here’s got ya covered. Yer in his firm’s newsletter and had been bill will be in the mail!”. With that, he asked to write about why he liked his job. drove off, clouds of exhaust and dust His tail twitched in agitation. Nine to whisking around a slightly stunned Daryl. five, decent wages, personal office, great He couldn’t believe it! What a job! The coworkers (aside from the crazy red-winged classy overalls, the chunky but oh-soblackbird down the hall who had joined on practical steel toed boots, the heavy several months ago), what wasn’t to like leather gloves, and the stylish safety about this job?! And yet, Daryl sat, glasses! And the rig, what a machine! The unsatisfied. He stared at the blank paper, Honey Dipper, as she was called, was the at his shiny silver name plate, at his oldest of the fleet belonging to Kimble book case full of dusty books and officeBros. Despite her job, she was a pristine worthy knickknacks and college mementos, white with her name painted across her and then back to the blank page. As his side in looping, golden, yellow. Daryl gaze drifted again, this time to his thought she was beautiful. Oh to work for office window (yet another perk), he Kimble Bros., if only! “Now that’s the remembered the day that had changed his kind of job for me!”, thought Daryl. The life - the day his septic tank overflowed. fresh air, the friendly service, the hard Daryl hadn’t even known the thing had work, the prestige - a real squirrel’s existed, let alone knew that it could job! His pen clunked onto the floor and overflow. But he knew now. His neighbour Daryl snapped back to reality. The blank had laughed at his frantic pleas for help page loomed, but Daryl was already gone, and had dialed the number of the Honey down the hall that lead to his boss’ Dipper. Confused, but thankful, Daryl office. His mother, after all, had always awaited the famed sewage-treatment legend told him to follow his dreams. and she did not disappoint. Ray, a stout old chickadee, manned the rig and in no

[4]


SPOTTED @ CRANDALL

THOMAS, CHILL.

CHLOE STEEPER: ...with a Leprechaun!

ASHLEY² BEIN’ FUNNY?

LAURA AND LEANNE ARE THE BOMB.COM

APRIL BIRTHDAY’s (according to Crandi’s Facebook)

Megan McNutt Brittany Power Jamie Seamans Rainier Ward Thomas Coldwell Marissa MacKinnon NOM NOM NOM...

[5]

Brennan Dixon Teanna Doucette Tim Burlock Alyson MacMillan Ian Pelkey Joe Kwan


G A M E Which of the following images has NOT been one of Crandasaurus Rexâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Facebook PROFILE pictures?

b) a) c)

e) d)

f)

Answer:

c)

[6]


THE SPINNER

By: Y.K.Senoj

The Fruit of Debt is Prada, YSL, Chanel, Dior, Balenciaga, Burberry, McQueen, DKNY,  and Victoria’s Secret I am going to keep spending. You know there are a lot of warnings out there about debt, but there are even more advertisements that are encouraging me to spend! And as a great “Buy me lover of democracy, I think STUFF!!!” that we should listen to popular opinion! Consumerism! Let’s just keep buying. If we all started paying off our debt, then the next thing we would know some of the greatest companies in all of history (Visa & Mastercard, of course) would have to be bailed out by Obama as well! And I couldn’t handle seeing their demise (especially considering that if I had money, I would buy stock and I would definitely choose these two companies to buy stock in!) So, not only do I ignore the advertisements that are out there – Ignore, ignore, ignore – I also ignore the bills I get in the that’s what I do! mail! I mean, why pay them? Maybe if There are lots of warnings around now they stopped sending them to me, they about the dangers of credit and could use the money they saved on spending too much. Even our paper, envelopes, ink, and esteemed Presindenté, Mrs. Pike postage to start paying down wrote an article last week about “ONCE some of my debt. And why worry getting out of debt – what a YOU’RE DEAD about paying them off? The buffoon. Obviously she doesn’t more credit cards I have, the YOU WON’T OWE understand. more credit cards I get It’s evolution, baby. Debt THEM offered to me! Every month I would have died out by now if it ANYTHING” just move money around to make wasn’t a good thing. And minimum payments on every card, spending is what drives an without using any of my own money! economy! We should spend more. If How sneaky I am! If the companies knew we all saved or paid off our debt and I bet they would hire me as their sneak stopped spending and listened to Mrs. patrol! Pike’s advice, we would have another 2008 So, this is my advice, dear friends. crash and we might even have to Life is short - eat well, shop long, experience the great depression! spend much. Because really, once your I do not want another great depression! dead you won’t owe them anything anyways! Where would I find my Prada then?! You can make your own choices, but as for me,

[7]


MEET THE AUTHORS: PEN NAME: (fakesies)

WHO THEY ARE: (legitsies)

Señor Unicorn Blood Makes You Live Forever Esmerelda Mallard

BRETT MOREHOUSE

JEN FRY

Eyecoodkare Less MELISSA MOORE

Ben Dover

NICK SONIER

Y.K.Senoj

AMY PIKE

OVERHEARD ... SOMEWHERE? “Sam MacLean was on FB in my class?” - BODNER “u MAD?”

“Does that have speakerphone?” “Heeeeckkkk yeah!” “No, I’m not coming to school because I’m heartbroken and I listened to creed”

“I can’t wait for the city! C.O.M! CITY OF MONCTON!” “Beefaroni? What? That’s a vegetable... I drive a mini coop!”

“Hey Kim, what’s up?” “Not much you.” “You just keep typing what I’m saying.”

“Señor?”

“Stop whistling boy!” (Brett) “Take it easy, Morehouse!” (Keith Bodner) LEANNE = MVP? (rumour) That person is totally preggers! AF’s!!!!!!

.....were you fooled? APRIL FOOL [8]


Beacon No. 12