Crack the Spine - Issue 139

Page 18

Robert Kerbeck Ass Breaker: A Cautionary Tale

Uncle Harry could go screw himself. Captain Dave didn’t care how rich the billionaire was, or that the man owned the entire island of Lanai. This time Dave was firing one of Harry’s lazy, but permanently employed, Hawaiians. Dave had no clue why the outrageously powerful man (or anyone on his executive team) was so petrified to fire even a single local, recycling them all into different jobs every time there was a problem. But Dave’d had enough. Brandon the Beautiful was going to be Hawaiian history. “How many times this week has he come in late?” Captain Dave hollered at the beach boys, Puka and Pete the Canadian, standing in his makeshift office. Neither answered. “How about every fucking time.” Dave loved giving nicknames, always had. He thought a good one summed up a man real quick. His own, Captain Dave, wasn’t given to him but earned when Dave had run the most popular charter fishing boat on Maui. The boat, Kiss My Hairy, boasted the largest number of sport fishing records not just in Maui, but all the Hawaiian islands. Many of those still stood, even though he’d lost the party boat years ago. For a while, a few people had called him Hustler Dave, after the girlie magazine had done a shoot on Kiss My Hairy with three naked babes in various positions with a 529-pound tiger shark. He still had one of the Hustler photos taped on the wall behind his desk, featuring the dead shark staring at the one with the biggest tits. The photographer had placed Dave in the background with a gaff at the ready