Animal talk Nick Wolochatiuk Dances with Words
NUTHILLTOO@GMAIL.COM
As soon as I entered his house, I realized that the contents of his so-called museum were little more than a dog’s breakfast of items of sentimental value. I was unable to ferret out anything of value. When asked about his childhood days, he just clammed up. It seemed obvious he had endured hard times, prompting him to squirrel away reserves whenever possible. He just doggedly kept at the task of accumulating more stuff. He must have worked like a dog every day. That’s when I decided to just let a sleeping dog lie. There was an elephant in the room, but I didn’t bring it up. His museum project became his swan song as a collector. When he first made his
impassioned speech in my office, everyone started gophering to see what the commotion was all about. He thought he had hit a fly ball, but as soon as he threw down the bat there was no way he was even going to make it to first. Afterwards, his presentation prompted some animated discussions. His idea was to raise money for his museum by becoming a card shark at the local casino. He had an accomplice act as a mole to reveal the table’s secrets. Seemingly wealthy, he was sometimes preyed upon by the local cougars. Those ladies became quite crabby when he didn’t pony up when his bill became due. Some tried to take him to court, but his lawyer showed him how to weasel out of his financial commitments. It took us quite a while to ferret out his casino accomplice. When confronted, he took a slug of whiskey to calm his nerves. As a result, he made a complete ass of himself. He started to carp about the legality of our
activities. His guilt was revealed as clearly as if he were a nude statue without a cod piece. Nevertheless, his museum was eventually bulldozed. Caterpillars were rented to do the job. When walls were collapsing, the workers had to duck. Unfortunately, their horseplay resulted in some serious injuries. To keep the dusty air breathable, a donkey engine kept the area’s ventilation system working during the frequent power failures. When his molehill of a building was finally levelled, it revealed a spider web of wires and pipes that weren’t up to code. During the following spring, I noticed pussy willows had sprung up on the levelled site. Just for a lark, some local urchins set fire to the grass. In my rush to take refuge in the adjacent pond, my car keys fell out of my pocket. I had to fish for them. That evening I read of speculative trading going on in the museum market. I knew that during a bull market, a lot of money can be
gained, so I jumped in, whole hog. My wife was badgering me to do it. Greed had wormed its way into our lives. I should have taken his failure as my canary in the coal mine. Speculators can have a whale of a time, but only if they’re lucky. However, I was counting my chickens before they hatched. Holy cow! It was amazing! I became so engrossed that I often had to wolf down my lunch. I threw all caution to the wind, ignoring that my little gains were just a red herring. When the bank called, I smelled a rat. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to pony up any money. I had to take the bull by the horns and let my Dodge Colt be repossessed. To make matters worse, at the bankruptcy hearing, I made the mistake of giving some bull during testimony. I should have just parroted what my lawyer told me to say. That’s why I’m now trying to recoup my fortune as a columnist.
Cornwall Seaway News gets nods for OCNA Awards nseebruch@seawaynews.com
CORNWALL, Ontario – Cornwall Seaway News like many local papers across the province of Ontario is a member of the Ontario Community Newspapers Association (OCNA). Every year, this paper submits the best we have to offer for consideration in the OCNA’s Better Newspaper Awards.
This year, Seaway News received the nod and was nominated in three different categories. We are proud to say that we have been nominated for Best Use of Colour in an Ad, Best Website, and Best Headline Writing. The headlines that were submitted to the OCNA for consideration were “Weed facts to toke into consideration”, “Big stink around garbage deal”, and “Would you Give a Shirt?”. “Seaway News has been a proud
community newspaper for the past 35 years and making the top of these awards categories is quite the honour,” said Seaway News Publisher General Manager Rick Shaver. “Over the past years we have been winners and we hope to continue this tradition in April in Toronto.” Shaver credits the hard work of his team for producing a quality product worthy of recognition.
“The staff works hard and Seaway News readers have experienced excellent editorial writing, now both in print and on our website,” he said. “Our sale staff is front center every day working with their clients on new ideas on the web, paper and our magazines.” The OCNA Awards dinner takes place April 3 in Toronto.
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NICK SEEBRUCH
www.cornwallseawaynews.com - Seaway News - Wednesday, February 26, 2020 - 3