When Love is More Than Butterflies
by HEATHER B. ISEMINGER blogger at www.petalsofjoy.org
I’m not sure when it happened. When I realized this deep knowing of my husband was like a soft blanket wrapped around my soul – more comforting than the tight stilettos of early dating butterflies. But it happened. Don't get me wrong. There are moments. Moments when I see the way he fathers our children or whispers in my ear words meant for my heart, and I’m filled with butterflies. But butterflies are not love. Because there have been days in the last few years that have stretched and beaten our marriage flat and lifeless. Days when we wonder if we really know each other. Weeks when we forget to connect, when the silence of our hearts deafens the room.
A
bout once a year, my husband and I take the time to ask the hard questions: What can I do better in this relationship? How can I be better? Where can I improve? And then we listen as we each take turns sharing areas of weakness. This is not a time of accusations. It is not a time of rebuttal. We do not sling harsh and biting words at one another. We openly accept the feelings of the one we love. It is a time for each of us to understand how we can be a better partner, a better lover. Because marriage is hard. I wore my aunt’s veil as I walked down the church aisle at a tender twenty-two. I stared
into the eyes of a man who took my face in his gentle hands as he kissed his bride. My husband is Prince Charming. He is. But he’s not perfect. Neither am I. While he does bring me my cream-no-sugar coffee every morning, our relationship is not without its struggles. After 16 years of marriage, I’m learning that I have a lot to learn. I’m learning that romance has less to do with a dozen long-stemmed roses and more to do with the way my feet still find his under the sheets. Every night. It has less to do with gorgeous jewels for gifts and more to do with knowing he is a husband that isn’t a babysitter, but a parent – a daddy. And it has less to do with poetic words of new lovers and more to do with the authenticity of our love deepened over time.
Date Night Jar
If I had relied on delicate wings to flutter in my stomach as an indication of love for my husband, our marriage may not have survived. The crazy? I don’t know a marriage that doesn’t lay itself out against the rocks to be leveled as the waves of life pound again and again and again. Not every relationship can endure the pulverizing. And no one should ever have to stand under abuses – those disfigured façades of love. And sometimes the choice to stay is stripped away. But for most of us? For the relationships we’re in now? What do we do in the days and weeks of silent hearts? How do we survive the mundane hand-in-hand with our loves?
It’s easy for your relationship to get in rut. Dinner is mundane, meals are shared in front of the TV. You casually learn about your spouse’s day from their Facebook status updates. Takeout receipts are all from the same restaurant. You scroll through Netflix for a movie. Again. UGH! Add some variety back into your relationship! Create a Date Night Jar, to be filled with notes and possible activities. You add yours; he adds his – and then draw one for your next date night!