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Letter To My Dad

Sebastian Duque is part of the Connextions Magazine family and he wrote this letter to his father. He asked us to publish it in the hopes that it will help others in similar situations to realize that no matter what life throws your way, YOU ARE NOT ALONE and YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU! Dad, it is a nice day for a walk in NYC. Hearing children in the park, the voices of tomorrow, the cars rushing up 10th Avenue not honking their way up as they normally would, which represent the chaos of a crowded city with more of some things and less of others. No fire trucks rushing to respond to an emergency, and no rain in sight. It is a nice day for a walk in NYC. I too try to rush up 10th Avenue. Although I only have a very short two-block walk, I am concerned about making it home since with every step I take as I carry my work bag, I feel how my shoulders weigh more and my legs begin to weaken announcing they cannot hold the load I carry. My arms feel cold and I cannot move them anymore because my stiffed neck is paralyzing my body under the summer heat of the city that is as wonderful as it is cruel. As I walk, I replay your hurtful words in my mind. How very calmly you were able to express yourself about the way I live my life and judging the kind of person that I am. I have worked hard to be the person I am today dad, perhaps so you would feel free of responsibility or burden and can enjoy your life feeling proud of who I am. I know your life has been harsh and full of sacrifices, and I share that silent pain because I only have the utmost gratitude for everything you were able to do for me, despite of how lonely you were and how hard you had to work. Images of the people I love come to mind, and I feel the presence of the ones who left us too early as they fill my head with joyous moments. Your words begin to fade away and I begin to feel the love I am so grateful for, and also worked so hard for; the love from the rest of my family, the love from my friends, and the love from that special person who chose to love me back. And this is when I realized it…this is when I realized THAT this is what marks the difference between moving ahead with a heavy heart and weak legs even though every step of the way feels like stones are thrown at me as a punishment during a blizzard I did not get to prepare for…the difference between wanting to share more time with these people instead of taking one last breath and giving up. Dad, I have a good, happy, and healthy life. You helped me build a strong foundation that would help me navigate these moments of incredible sadness and to go through the world with my head held high and an open heart, even though with every fiber of my body I fight the urge to curl-up in a corner and let my sadness take over me. I cannot tell you what you want to hear, because I know better than to manipulate. I cannot speak your language, because I know better than to hide behind a book. I cannot share your pain, because I know better than to numb my own heart. I am not just a “maricon” dad, as you called me. I am a human being with emotions and dreams, just like you, as much as you may recent that. It is nice out in NYC today dad, and I feel at peace with myself. I hope you can say the same for that is the only thing I can wish for you. Your Son, Sebastian

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Connextions Magazine

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Travel Heels

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September 2016

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