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news & Opinion | News of the weird Marital Enhancement

procedure in order to straighten a fracture. • Is This a Great Country or What? Dr. Peckitt acknowledged having used his Counting only the pool of bonus money hands to “manipulate” bones in the patient’s (not regular salaries), employees of New face, calling it a routine surgery-avoiding York securities industries in 2014 earned procedure sometimes required for extensive roughly twice as much as the total income injuries. paid to all employees in the United States • Suspicions Confirmed: Two airport who worked full time at the federal miniscreeners at Denver International collabomum wage ($7.25 an hour). (The statistic, rated in an ongoing ploy in from a report by the Instiwhich one, a male, signaled tute for Policy Studies and to a female colleague that reinforced by a University he had spotted an attractive of Michigan professor male passenger in line that using figures from the New he might like to grope. The York State Comptroller mayweather female would then suddenly and the Bureau of Labor wins kentucky notice an “anomaly” in the Statistics, was featured in derby! screening and ask that pasa March New York Times senger to stand aside so the analysis.) male agent could “inspect” him further — by genital The Continuing Crisis Wait, What? and posterior fondling (over • The February gun-and-baby-carrying In April, a court in his clothing). The two agents workshop in Johnston, Iowa, was so sucMunich, Germany, ordered were fired in February after cessful that instructor Melody Lauer and a dentist (identified only a Transportation Security CrossRoads Shooting Sports owner Tom as “K”) to pay the equivaAdministration investigator, Hudson plan more. Lauer insisted that she lent of about $21,000 to does not necessarily encourage a baby-hold- having been alerted to the patient “Alex S” for pulling ing mother to arm herself, but if she chooses scheme, observed it in action. all of his teeth (19) over to, safety would of course require that she be four weeks of treatments familiar with the tricky procedure of drawInexplicable — as the remedy for his schizophrenia and ing, aiming and firing even though she might From Recent Florida Crime Reports: erectile dysfunction. The dentist had testibe “wearing” a baby in a sling in front of her (1) Mohammed Almarri, 21, was arrested fied that Alex had too much bone inflambody. Hudson, noting the fast-growing mar- on multiple charges in Tampa on April 12 mation for ordinary fillings. K made his own ket of gun sales to women, said scheduling after illegally entering a neighbor’s apartclaim for the equivalent of about $54,000 the workshop “was a no-brainer.” ment in a high-rise and forcing the owner for the damage to his professional reputa• What is believed to be America’s only onto the balcony. For reasons undisclosed tion that the trial had caused, but the court hard-nosed “gang” composed only of gay and in the police report, Almarri then allegedly rejected it. transgendered African-Americans hopes to microwaved the man’s wallet in his oven. (2) have its story told soon by filmmakers — Joseph Williams, 35 (and with several pend- The Redneck Chronicles who emphasize the group’s transition from ing warrants), was arrested on April 5 in (1) Austin Hatfield, 18, reported to an fighters to entrepreneurs working to estabFort Pierce, Florida, after entering the emer- emergency room in April after being bitten lish their own clothing line, according to a gency room at Lawnwood Regional Medical on the lip by a venomous cottonmouth viper March report on advocate.com. The gang, Center and Heart Institute, demanding an in Wimauma, Florida. According to a fish originally organized for protection (“We enema and refusing to leave until he got one. and wildlife commission spokesman, Hatgonna get our respect one way or another,” field had been keeping the recently caught said one), hails from the violent WashingLeading Economic Indicators snake in an ordinary pillowcase on his bed, ton, D.C., Trinidad neighborhood, yet some • In the face of jokes about proliferating and when it got out, Hatfield (ungracefully) of the 200 members (in their teens or early airline charges, the British economy line recaptured it. (The bite was not fatal.) (2) 20s) insist on stilettos, lipstick and mascara easyJet added another fee recently. If easyJet, According to witnesses questioned by the (while carrying knives, brass knuckles and on its own, cancels a flight, it charges a fee Jacksonville, Florida, Sheriff ’s Office (on the mace). of 10 British pounds (about $15) to notify scene after shots had been reported at Murthird parties. The airline said that even phy’s Express Gas station in March), one Questionable Judgments though its own decision created the issue, it customer had fired at another, hitting him • Pioneering British facial surgeon Ninmust nonetheless cover its costs to provide in the foot, because he felt that the customer ian Peckitt, 63, facing a Medical Practitiocancellation notices to passengers who miss was staring at him while he pumped gas. ners Tribunal in Manchester in April, was connections or who need to provide verificaaccused by a witness of “repeatedly” having tion to collect on private travel-interruption punched one patient in the face during a insurance.

MAY 6-MAY 12, 2015

Saudi Arabia’s very first sex accessory shop (in the holy city of Mecca) should be opening soon, according to news reports — operated by a Moroccan Muslim, backed by the German adult mega-retailer Beate Uhse, and supposedly fully compliant with Islamic law. Owner Abdelaziz Aouragh told Agence France-Presse he would stock 18 different Islam-appropriate toys for married couples, along with oils and fragrances that he said would enhance the marital experience. (He did not actually describe the toys, but ruled out U.S. mainstays such as inflatable dolls and vibrators.) One such “halal” sex shop opened in Turkey in 2013, and Aouragh’s financial partner runs a similar enterprise online.

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Least Competent Criminals

Nikko Jenkins, convicted of murder in a 2013 spree and trying to avoid a scheduled sentencing hearing, recently self-mutilated (for the second time), which he told a judge in Omaha, Nebraska, was evidence of his mental disorder that should render him ineligible for death row. Jenkins told the judge that a “serpent god” had ordered him to carve the “number of the beast” into his forehead, but apparently because Jenkins was looking into a mirror as he carved, his forehead display more resembled an upsidedown 999 (or a lowercase ddd) than it did 666.

Animals in the News

(1) Tidiest Animal: In a February science journal report, a University of Regensburg (Germany) professor noted that ants seem particularly orderly — with “toilet” facilities arranged in far corners of the nests. The researcher speculated that ants keep feces on hand in order to mine nutrients. (2) Least Competent Beaver: A local logger telephoned the Agder Natural History museum in Kristiansand, Norway, in April to report that he had encountered a beaver crushed to death because it was unable to judge which way the tree it was gnawing would fall. (Usually, beavers have an uncanny ability to avoid the tree, but some stragglers still populate their gene pool.)

A News of the Weird Classic (November 2011) Enterprising reporters get stories by earning the confidence of their sources, which Simon Eroro of the Post-Courier (Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea) obviously did. At a banquet in November (2011), the News Corp. (Rupert Murdoch’s empire) awarded Eroro its “Scoop of the Year” honor for reporting on militant tribal fighters of the Free West Papua movement — and all Eroro had to do to earn the scoop was undergo a ritual circumcision, with bamboo sticks, to prove his trustworthiness. (Some of the rebels still wear penis gourds whose size varies with the status of the wearer.) By chuck shepherd UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE

WINNERS REVEALED ON WEDNESDAY MAY 20TH!

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Connect Savannah May 6, 2015  

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