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news & Opinion JUNE 15-JUNE 21, 2011 | WWW.CONNECTSAVANNAH.COM

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news of the weird Lead Story

A 53-year-old man with failing eyesight and who had recently undergone intestinal surgery told Sonoma, Calif., police that on Sunday afternoon, May 1, a woman had come to his home and instructed him to drop his pants and get face-down on the bed so that she could administer an enema. He said he assumed his doctor had sent her and thus complied, and it was over in two minutes, and she was gone. The doctor later said he had no idea who the woman was. (In the 1970s, in the Champaign, Ill., area, Michael Kenyon operated similarly as the “Illinois Enema Bandit” -- and inspired the late Frank Zappa’s “Illinois Enema Bandit Blues.”)

The Entrepreneurial Spirit!

• Several funeral homes in the United States have drive-thru windows to serve rushed mourners or those stressed by the parlor experience. “Not quite as emotional,” said one visitor to the Robert L. Adams Mortuary in Compton, Calif., referring to the need not to linger in the queue of bereaved, idling motorists. The Adams facility was even more popular during the peak of gang murders in the area, according to an April Los Angeles Times report, because the drive-thru window’s bulletproof glass rendered unnecessary the precarious indoor service in which gangbangers tried to further desecrate late rivals’ corpses. • Noses Know: (1) In April, two Italian entrepreneurs introduced a perfume meant to evoke the scents of a person’s blood, varying by type (A, B, AB, O) --

but with no actual blood. A prominent member of the U.S. “vampire community” fondly described the “intriguing” olfactory sensations of Type B (the “black cherry, pomegranate and patchouli infusions”) and Type O (“raspberry, rose hips and birch”). Another “vampirist” called the whole idea “cheesy.” (2) Artist Charity Blansit (aka Cherry Tree) told AOL News in May that she has been working on a fragrance based on her own urine (although not prepared to bring it to market yet), enhanced mainly with sugar.

News, a 55-year-old farmer from Jiayu county in Hubei province finally has a functioning anus. His congenital condition had required him to restrict his diet severely and to “squeeze stools out with his hands.”

Navel Observatory

The Belly Button Biodiversity project at North Carolina State University has begun examining the “faunal differences” in the microbial ecosystems of our navels, to foster understanding of the “tens of thousands” of Fine Points of the Law organisms crawling around Weiner to Because of a loophole in Michigan temporarily inside (almost all benign or law (which, at press time, legislators even helpful). An 85-year-old pull out were working to fix), a winner of man in North Carolina may the “Make Me Rich” lottery game have “very different navel in July 2010 (publicized value: $2 life” than a 7-year-old girl million) has been openly receiving in France, according to a the same food-stamp allotment he May Raleigh News & Observer had been receiving before he won. In report. So far, only the organMay 2011, confronted by WNEMisms themselves and the host’s TV in Saginaw, winner Leroy Fick demographics have been studied; was defiant about his food stamps. other issues, such as variations Currently, eligibility is based on reguby hairiness of navel, remain. lar income, and Fick had taken his Leading Economic Indicators payoff last year in one lump sum. Good Jobs: (1) Prison Guard (“the Medical Marvels greatest entry-level job in California,” (1) Dugan Smith, 13, is almost as good according to an April Wall Street Journal as new, having overcome an extremely report highlighting its benefits over a rare malignant tumor on his thigh bone. typical job resulting from a Harvard A surgeon at Ohio State’s James Cancer University education). Starting pay is Hospital removed the middle of Smith’s comparable; loans are not necessary leg, turned the bottom of it around so that (since the guard “academy” actually pays the back faces the front, and reconnected the student); and vacation time is more the parts. (2) According to a Februgenerous (seven weeks, five paid). One ary report in China’s Wuhan Morning downside: The prison system is more

selective (Harvard accepts 6.2 percent of applicants versus the guard service’s fewer-than-1 percent of 120,000 applicants). (2) California taxpayers were also astonished to learn in May that several beach communities (led by Newport Beach) pay some lifeguards more than $100,000 annually in salary and benefits. (Generally, those are for long-time and supervisory jobs; ordinary “summer job” lifeguards typically make $16-$22 an hour.)

Weird Animals

• Cat Failing to Know Its Role: In Cleveland, Texas (near Houston), a man had to be airlifted to an emergency trauma unit after losing a fight with a house cat. He was even armed with a knife as he took on the beast, but somehow the attacking cat caused him to lose his balance and fall on the blade. • Procreation Interventions: (1) Because female giant tortoises are lackadaisical about mating, the Knoxville (Tenn.) Zoo in May temporarily moved its two males, Al and Tex, to Zoo Atlanta to encourage Knoxville females Patches, Corky and Standup to yearn for them. Tex, by the way, is 90 years old, and Al is 130 (and hasn’t had a date since 1983, according to a May Knoxville News-Sentinel story). (2) Hopewell Township, N.J., officials, responding to noise complaints in April, passed an ordinance limiting rooster access to hens to only 10 days a year. (The chickens also must, of course, be “diseasefree.”) cs By chuck shepherd UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE

Profile for Connect Savannah

Jun. 15, 2011 Connect Savanah Issue  

Feauting Leslie Adele, vocalist of A Nickel Bag of Funk; the county budget's impact on important programs; invasive airport screenings and y...

Jun. 15, 2011 Connect Savanah Issue  

Feauting Leslie Adele, vocalist of A Nickel Bag of Funk; the county budget's impact on important programs; invasive airport screenings and y...

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