Staying Cool, Calm and Curious in The Face of Really Irritating Behavior By Marcilie Smith Boyle very easily could have “flipped my lid:” now my feelings were hurt, I’d been sick all weekend without my husband, and I really just wanted to be in bed myself! How could she be so needy? I’m the one who needed Dad! It was Monday night, I was sick, and my husband had been out of town for the long weekend. He arrived home in the evening, intending to stay just long enough to print out tickets for a Warriors game (one of his few indulgences, which I am happy he takes) and then go. Our 7 year-old, M, was not happy he was leaving so quickly. When I took her upstairs for her bedtime bath, she began to cry and said she missed Daddy. “I know M, you miss Daddy. He’s been gone for a while, it’s true.” The crying persisted. “I want Daddy!” she cried. “Yeah, M, I hear you. You want Daddy. But I’m here and I love you.” I attempted a hug. Hug was rejected. “I want Daddy. I didn’t get to see him all weekend!” Lots of crying. “I know M. I’m sorry he’s not staying tonight. Let’s get into your nice warm tub.” Crying persisted. And here’s where the story could have turned sharply in the wrong direction . . . I
OK, honestly? All these thoughts did go through my head. But I kept my mouth shut and made a choice to get curious instead: Was she hungry? Did she get enough sleep last night? Or was she simply feeling disconnected from her Dad? I decided it was the last reason. I helped her into the tub (she was still crying) and sat down next to her. Dad came up to say goodnight and goodbye. “Daddy, I want you to stay,” she said. On a different day, Dad’s guilt could have made him skip the game. But we had faith in our daughter to work through her feelings and recover. Dad masterfully “built a bridge” (a term from Gordon Neufeld) with her: “M, I love you so much and I miss you, too. When I get back from the game, I will come in and cuddle with you for a minute, OK? And in the morning, we can play a game together because I’m taking you to school.” She can now see a bridge to the other side of her sadness. He left. (She was still crying.)
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