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Shanah Tovah! September 2011 • Vol. 3 No. 13


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THE TRUE MEANING OF STRENGTH By Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob

Parents often struggle with their roles as the heads of the family. Many years ago I met with a very successful businessman. He was the CEO of a large corporation, with companies across several states, employing hundreds. He was in a great deal of emotional pain and he appeared confused as well. I’m paraphrasing here, but his complaint went something like this: “I don’t understand, I have all these employees that work for me, I run a highly profitable enterprise, and yet my children don’t listen to me, and my family seems to be falling apart.” He described a highly dysfunctional situation, with several of his children involved in behaviors ranging from inappropriate to illegal and even scary, and a marriage that was filled with bickering and unhappy silences. He felt lonely and alone in his family. After meeting with him several times, it became clear that he was attempting to run his family in the same way he ran his business. I told him that he’s a good CEO, but the CEO model is a terrible and ineffective model for a family, “you can’t be a CEO to your children, you can’t be a CEO to your wife. It works with your employees because if they don’t submit, you fire them. Basically, you are managing with the ongoing threat of dismissal, management by intimidation. This, when applied to your family, is toxic, because in families one of the essential goals is forming and nurturing a relationship, a relationship that is based on trust. Intimidation is a clear contradiction to trust building.” 14 SEPTEMBER 2011

What is a marriage without trust, the basic trust that I have that you will not harm me, threaten me, or intimidate me? What, too, is the meaning of family without that same trust? The successful CEO was living a life alone because he had succeeded in creating an atmosphere of terror in his home. His children and his wife were terrified of him. You can’t nourish trust, warmth, closeness, connection, and certainly, intimacy, in this environment. Instead, you nurture distrust, disconnection, resentment, and eventually, even hatred. We, as parents, struggle with our role. Families are not democracies. Children don’t have an equal vote. Parents must make decisions and rules, and are responsible for creating a structure, with expectations such as chores, healthy boundaries, and definitions of acceptable behavior. Parents must build a home, a home that is safe for all its members. Parents who are too soft are being irresponsible. So, it’s really a monarchy, so to speak, a monarchy, but not a dictatorship with its connotation of uncaring tyranny. What we’re really looking for is a gentle monarchy, founded on the premise that its leaders love and respect each other, love and cherish each child, and express these feelings clearly, in words, touch, smile, and other ways. But, let us not forget that even with all this warmth, love, and cherishing, it is, nonetheless, still a monarchy. Parents need to be confident, strong, and assertive. The problems arise TO ADVERTISE 773.336.8225


when strong is confused with mean/intimidating, assertive is confused with aggressive, and confident is confused with arrogant. Parents will sometimes come across as “allknowing” as in “we are the parents and therefore we automatically know better than you do.” It’s more effective (and more true) to communicate the idea that “we know that we’re not perfect and may be making a mistake, but it is still our responsibility to set the rules. And even if when you are a parent you decide to do it differently, that’s ok, but for now, we’ll do it this way.” Strong is not mean. It is not ok to demean our children, they don’t belong to us, they are not our property, they are a gift from G-d, and they are our responsibility. When children say to me, “my mother is mean to me, she makes fun of me to my siblings, she embarrasses me by shouting at me in front of my friends,” it breaks my heart. Because I know that when we’re not careful of our child’s dignity, we do damage to the relationship, and sometimes the damage is irreparable.

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The true meaning of strength is inner strength, as in the quote from Ethics of the Fathers: “Who is strong, one who conquers and controls his own impulses.” Strength is not the ability to intimidate others so they comply with what I want. Strength is the ability to control my own anger, my need to win, my desire to dominate, and to focus on the human being who is in front of me, my child, and to respond, sometimes strongly, but with deliberation and great patience, and love. True strength goes hand in hand with humility. External strength breeds fear and divisiveness, inner strength repairs injuries and helps build happy families. Dr. Lob is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, working with adults, adolescents, and families, for many years. He lectures and writes extensively on topics relating to psychology, relationships, parenting, education, and Jewish thought.

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Recipes from our kitchen to yours! Thai Coconut Chicken and Peas with Brown Rice

Ingredients 2 Tbs. corn starch, 4 Tbs. low sodium soy sauce, divided 2 Tbs. water 3 cloves garlic 1 ¼ lbs. boneless, skinless chicken breast 4 tsp. canola or vegetable oil, divided 2 tsp. toasted sesame oil, divided 4 -5 sliced, green onions 2 tsp. fresh grated ginger 1 – 14 oz. can of lite coconut milk 2 Tbs. rice vinegar 3 tsp. sugar 1 ½ c. frozen peas

Directions Prepare your brown rice as directed on the packaging. When I am short for time, I use white Jasmine rice instead. Cut chicken breasts in half-length wise, and then cut into thin slices. Add chicken into a small bowl and add 2 Tbls. low sodium soy sauce, corn starch and water. Mix well.. Mince garlic.

Add half to the chicken breasts, save half for later. Heat 2 tsps. of the canola oil with 1 tsp. of the toasted sesame oil in a large skillet.. Add chicken to the skillet and quickly stir fry. Cooking until just done. Remove and set aside. Heat remaining 2 tsps. Canola oil with 1 tsp. of toasted sesame oil in same skillet. Sauté garlic until fragrant. Add green onions. Cook for a minute. Add coconut milk, rice vinegar, 12 Tbls. low sodium soy sauce, sugar and ginger. Stir and cook at a low simmer until it slightly thickens. Make sure to loosen all the yummy stuck on stuff from the chicken. Add frozen peas. Cook until just defrosted. (I also use fresh pea pods, or sugar snap peas. It depends what I have on hand.) Add chicken to reheat. Serve over brown rice. Submitted by Jill Kowitt

CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR WINNER

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Shallots Submit your favorite recipe for CJA’s recipe page.

To enter your favorite recipe, email chicagojewishadvertiser@gmail.com The winner will be announced in the next issue Chicago Jewish Advertiser reserves the right to exercise discretion in the selection of advertisers and the duration of advertisements as well. Chicago Jewish Advertiser does not assume responsibility for the kashrus of any advertisement or product.

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JEWISH HUMOR It’s funny because we say so!

Watching Over The Apples It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message,

"Take ONLY ONE apple each, G-d is watching."

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At the other end he noticed a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. G-d is watching the apples."

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Written by Rabbi Dovid Cohen

A service of the Chicago Rabbinical Council

Soup to Nuts

Your kashrus Questions. . . Answered

2701 West Howard | 773-465-3900

The above leniency refers only Brussels Sprouts is that in order ARLAH to fruit that grew in chutz la’aretz. to wash and check them, all of Q.I recently was in Israel and was told not to eat certain fruits as they were arlah. Is this something that we need to be concern of here in America? A. Fruits that grow in the first three years after a tree is planted are forbidden to eat and derive benefit from; this mitzvah is known as “arlah”. [The exact determination of when those three years ends is somewhat complicated and beyond the scope of this article.] In Eretz Yisroel there are lists which provide information as to the arlah status of different fruits, and there are some fruits grown there that are essentially not eaten at all due to arlah concerns. Typically mitzvos that depend on the land are applicable only in the land of Israel but arlah is an exception as it applies worldwide – in a somewhat modified form. Outside of Eretz Yisroel, the only fruit which is forbidden is one which is definitely arlah. If there is any doubt as to whether a given fruit is arlah it may be eaten. Accordingly, even if a significant percentage of trees are arlah, once the fruit reaches market it is impossible to identify the specific arlah fruit and therefore all of them are permitted. As a result, essentially the only fruits in chutz la’aretz which are subject to the prohibition of arlah are those that were grown in a home garden where the owner knows which fruits are within their first three years.

Fruit grown in Israel is subject to the full restrictions of arlah even if one is unsure if the given fruit is arlah and even if that fruit was exported to chutz la’aretz. (Answer by Rabbi Mordechai Millunchick)

BRUSSELS SPROUTS Q. A blogger has been blasting kosher agencies who forbid the consumption of Brussels Sprouts due to the presence of bugs. He makes a theological argument that we have no right to ban a vegetable and that doing so casts aspersions on the previous generations who ate it. I am sincerely interested in your position and defense on this question which bridges theology and kashrus, so any details or information you can provide would be greatly appreciated. A. It is true that our forefathers were as careful about not eating bugs as we are, and therefore if we know that they ate a given vegetable (e.g. romaine lettuce, parsley) we should assume that there is a way to remove all of the bugs before eating them. Accordingly, it is our job to find the right method of cleaning and checking, rather than ban the use of that vegetable. On the other hand, all of the major kosher agencies that we are aware of do not allow the use of Brussels Sprouts and that should give some indication that there’s probably some merit to that position. The reason for the “ban” on

the individual leaves have to be peeled off. This is perfectly effective at removing the bugs and would be acceptable, but most people want to eat/serve the Brussels Sprouts whole. Thus far, no one has been able to figure out any way to check the Brussels Sprouts whole and therefore we do not recommend them. However, the Rabbis at the cRc regularly investigate and consider new methods and information, and we would be happy to consider any ideas you might come up with.

TEA BAGS Q. Can I prepare tea with a tea bag on Shabbos? A. There is quite a discussion in the Poskim as to if and how tea can be prepared on Shabbos. Some hold that tea bags cannot be used at all, and the only way to have tea on Shabbos is to use instant tea or to pour tea essence into a cup of hot water. Others – including Rav Schwartz – hold that one may also use a tea bag in a kli shlishi (literally “third vessel”) which means that the hot water must be taken from the kettle (the first vessel), put into a cup or other container (the second vessel), and then poured into another cup (the third vessel), after which the tea bag may be placed into the hot water. [Although, as noted, the cRc position is to follow the lenient (second) approach, for a number of reasons we encourage cRc certified caterers to use instant tea on Shabbos.]

Get your kashrus questions answered here! Email kashrusquestions@chicagojewishadvertiser.com

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KOSHER ALERTS Some individually wrapped S’mores Granola Bars, from Quaker Oats Co. mistakenly bear an unauthorized OU-D. This product is not kosher. The item in question can be found in both cartons of S’mores and Variety Pack cartons. The other varieties of Granola Bars are correctly labeled OU-D. A small quantity of OU certified Planters Brittle Nut Medley was labeled without the “D”. Brittle Nut Medley contains yogurt covered raisins that are OU Dairy. Some cans of Planters Caramel Maple Sweet Roast Pecans display an OU, without the D. This product is certified by the Orthodox Union as Dairy and should be labeled OU D.

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.åðéúåéëæ êéðôì åAø÷éå ,åððéã øæâ òø÷éù... …that the decree of our judgment shall be annulled and our merits shall be proclaimed before You. .åðéúåéëæ åáøéù... …that our merits shall increase.

Carrots

.åðéáéåà å÷ìúñéù... …that our enemies shall disappear.

Leeks or Cabbage

Pumpkin or Squash

Beets

.åðéàðåù åúøëéù... …that our enemies shall be obliterated.

åîúçúå åBúëú äBåè äðùì g{x V{|vtzÉ ]xã|á{ TwäxÜà|áxÜ

ã|á{xá à{x xÇà|Üx vÉÅÅâÇ|àç t {tÑÑç tÇw t {xtÄà{ç áãxxà axã lxtÜ4 24 SEPTEMBER 2011

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Traditionally, these foods are eaten on Rosh Hashana to symbolize a good year for ourselves and for the Jewish Nation.

...åðéúåáà é÷ìàå ,åðé÷ìà 'ã ,êéðôìî ïåöø éäé May it be Your will, Hashem our G-d, and the G-d of our forefathers... Apple Dipped in Honey

.ä÷åúîå äáåè äðù åðéìò ùãçúù... … that You grant us a good and sweet new year. .ïåîøë úåéëæ äáøðù... …that our merits shall be plentiful as the seeds of a pomegranate.

Dates

.åðéàðåù åîúéù... …that You shall eradicate those who despise us. .íéâãë äáøðå äøôðù... …that we shall be fruitful and multiply as fish.

Head of a Fish or Sheep

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.áðæì àìå ùàøì ä'éäðù... …that we will be as the head and not as the tail.

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1. Pink balloon is now blue. 2. Tree is taller. 3. Red sneakers are now green. 4. Black buttons on the sweater are gone. 5. Woman’s purple teshirt is now blue. 6. The “6” on boy’s jersey is now “9”. 7. Little girls’ black skirt is longer. 8. Orange balloon missing in the background. 9. Red crocs are now green. 10. Logo missing from guy’s teshirt.

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vcuy vba September 2011

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CJA September/Rosh Hashana Issue  

Chicago Jewish Advertiser September, 2011 Rosh Hashana Issuee

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