THE COLORFUL SIDE OF GOD Exploring a World of Joy and Excitement
THE COLORFUL SIDE OF GOD Joe Jordan
Exploring a world of Joy and Excitement
PUBLISHED BY JOY FACTOR MINISTRIES 6840 Silverheel St. Suite 142 Shawnee, KS 66226
Printed in China
Copyright 2009 by Joe Jordan
The Colorful Side of God By Joe Jordan
All rights reserved solely by the author. The author guarantees all contents are original and do not infringe on the legal rights of any other person or work. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the permission of the author. All scriptures quoted in King James Version unless noted otherwise.
Preface Saints and sinners beware! This book is going to mess with your mind. Got your attention? Good! Now I’ve got to prove it. Hey, just hang with me and then you can be the judge. You might be tempted to put it down, so my job is to keep you turning the pages one after another. I want the feed back to be – The book changed my thinking so much so that I’ve adopted a different life style. Since you’re so curious, I’ll let you in on a secret. I’m a preacher. You’re a what? You heard me - I’m a preacher. Now you’re getting the picture as to why I might want to change you. I’ll come right out and say it, yes, I want to convert you. Now right before you put this book down and you’re thinking, I don’t like the fact this man is trying to get me to change, why don’t you accept a challenge? Are you a wimp or can you stand up to me. Hey, put up your guard and don’t you dare succumb to my attempt to convert you. Hey, that’s rough! I know it is, but it’s probably the only way I can get through to you. Well, are you man or woman enough to meet the challenge. We’ll see!
Table of Contents Excerpts from Ministers Dedication Chapter 1 Reasons for Change............................................................................. 15 Chapter 2 Stories and More Stories..................................................................... 17 Chapter 3 Even Bizarre Ones ............................................................................... 21 Chapter 4 God Interest in Joy............................................................................... 26 Chapter 5 The Wide Variety................................................................................. 29 Chapter 6 Rednecks, Anyone? ............................................................................. 33 Chapter 7 More Hi Jinks With God..................................................................... 40 Chapter 8 Fractured Emotions............................................................................. 48 Chapter 9 A Final Challenge ................................................................................ 53
Excerpts from Ministers Joe Jordan is a very special friend of mine, even closer than a brother. This minister of integrity is well qualified to write this book. He has chosen to target the unconverted and also the misinformed and will get into the minds of such. If you will just be patient, the truths he’s writing about God will begin to unfold. Don’t assume you know it all. His vast experience with people after 45 years of full-time ministry will answer so many of your questions. Do you want a better life? If so, this book is for you.
Ron Smith, DD President of Our Master’s Ministry and The Master’s Word Shop Bible College Independence, Mo.
We salute our special friend, Joe Jordan. He has been coming to our church for his “Joy” meetings for about 25 years. He knows well the “Colorful Side of God,” and will treat you to a smorgasbord of intriguing and humorous accounts of what he’s encountered in his many years of ministry and traveling. Just sit back and read. It would help though, if you had a seat belt and a tranquilizer. Hey, we know what we’re talking about, he’s messed with our minds, too. Pastors Ray and Carol Shannon Good News Family Worship Center Barrington, NJ
Joe Jordan is a master of story telling and he has plenty of material to draw from. He’s ministered in our church many times and has introduced us to a God of variety, miracles and joy. The effects of his ministry have caused our church to be one of excitement, abundant life and the unexpected. My wife and I are forever grateful to Joe for teaching us and leading us into this world of wonderment. Our church will never be the same again, and that’s for the good. Thank you Joe.
Pastors Dennis and Amy Stewart Heart Life Church El Dorado, AR
I met Joe in November of 2006. In a short while, we became very good friends. Since then we’ve spent many hours talking about the awesome works of God, of which you’ll read about in this book. Joe is the real deal and the stories he documents are also real. From the accounts in this book, God still does miraculous and even humorous things through people like Joe, who totally embraces such phenomena and even promotes it.
Gary Bailey Minister and teacher Curwensville, Pa
Dedication It is only fitting that I dedicate this book to my wife of many years, Barbara. Apart from God Himself, she should receive this honor above all others. When I started traveling many years ago, our children were 12 and 9, respectively. Therefore the raising of the children, from that point on, fell on her shoulders more than mine. She didn’t complain, as she knew that I was accomplishing God’s will for my life. That became the most important consideration to her. She has supported that choice I made and has never once asked me not to. That is very important to any minister, especially to one who travels. I can say, thanks to her, that I’ve met God’s mandate. I love you honey, and a great big thanks of appreciation.
CHAPTER ONE REASONS FOR CHANGE I recently went to a hair stylist and got engaged in a conversation about God. She said, “I changed my life about two years ago, because I just didn’t like the way it was going.” She’s an excellent hair stylist and only has to work three days a week and it’s very difficult to get an appointment with her. Her charge is above average for her work. Why then did she need to change? She didn’t elaborate on why, but since I know people very well, it undoubtedly had more to do with her soul than any thing else. Since we don’t know the details of her life before the change, I do know this – she had to get a different concept of God. First, she probably hadn’t realized before how much He was the answer to the turmoil. Notice, I said, “How much.” The reason I put it that way is because many people sort of believe that God might meet their needs, but again they don’t realize how much He can and will do. When she believed that, the change began. We’ll deal more with that later. The second concept that needs to be changed is the one that says – God is dull and boring. A majority of people, at least here in America, not only believe that He is dull and boring but also austere, judgmental and even vindictive. One man said to me, “I’m afraid if I entered the church doors, I would be struck dead.” How sad! That’s not God’s nature at all. “But that’s the way God treats me,” they say. God has probably never done any thing like that to them, but they think so. They blame God with every thing bad or distasteful that’s happened to them. Now back to the fact that God is not dull or boring. You heard me, not dull or boring! Well, what is He then? He is colorful, he’s fun, he’s full of joy and HE WANTS YOU HAPPY!! Have I made my point. If you’ll just hang in there, I’ll show you how He’s all of that and more, 15
much more. Hey, I like that term, “Hang in there.” I just picked up that term in the last few years. It wasn’t even used, at least very much, when I was young. But I’m not going to tell you how old I am. Now back to our subject at hand. I’ve been “Hanging out with God,” for the last 45 years. (Hey, I like that term, “Hanging out with God, too) I even have another book with that title – “Hanging out with God.” What on earth do you mean, you’ve been “Hanging out with God?” Well, what does the term mean to you? You guessed it, running around with Him, etc. Hey, that’s crazy, how do you run around with Him? He’s invisible and doesn’t even talk. Want to know a secret. He’s my invisible friend and I do talk to Him and He talks back to me. Think I’m crazy? Go ahead and think it, and I’ll just be having a ball in the meantime. While you’re assuming I’m a “head case,” I’ll begin to share a whole bunch of stories of how He’s colorful and fun. In fact this book is full of stories and why not just sit back before the fireplace, get some popcorn and listen to my colorful stories.
CHAPTER TWO STORIES AND MORE STORIES Yeah, many of them. Some funny, (very funny), some bizarre (yes, quite bizarre) and others intriguing. Don’t you love intrigue? Okay! Let the stories begin. I want to state a fact. All of the stories are true, even though you may greatly doubt that. I wish I could convince you now, that the stories are true. You say, why do you have to convince me they are true. If you say they’re true, then they must be. Oh, you naïve person. But, all joking aside, they are true, and they all bring out the colorful and joyful side of God. It’s of course, “The colorful side of God,” The theme of this book. And what’s really strange, they all happened in church. In church? Yeah, that’s right, the House of God. Wow, that’s different. I know. Well, while the readers are shaking in their boots, not knowing what to expect, we’ll begin the wild adventure. Don’t tell your friends or relatives, they might not be able to handle it. Hey, I’m kidding, tell everybody and let their heads go on “Tilt.”
GOD AND DRUNKS God and drunks? You say, “Oh, I’ve got it.” He’s against bars and drunks. Well, sort of. But He is in that business. Oh, He doesn’t have the kind of a bar you’re thinking of. What is it then? It happens in my meetings and it’s alluded to in the Bible. Surely not. Oh, yes. It’s recorded in the New Testament in the book of Acts. There on the feast day of Pentecost, the 120 who had been filled with God’s Holy Spirit, were accused of being drunk on the new wine. Actually they weren’t drunk on the wine of the world, but instead drunk by the Holy Spirit, what I label “Spiritual inebriation.” The specific accusation came from the multitude on the streets of Jerusalem who didn’t 17
understand. They said, “These men are filled with new wine.” Acts 2:13. While they weren’t drunk by an intoxicating beverage, they undoubtedly were acting like it. That raises a pertinent question. Why would God do such a thing or did God not have anything to do with it? The Bible clearly indicates about two verses later that it was of God. Well if it’s of God, how does it occur? It’s a supernatural working of God’s Holy Spirit. As I mentioned previously, it happens in my meetings and with a lot of frequency. The Spiritual Inebriates (How’s that for a sophisticated term) are colorful and sometimes very hilarious. Want to hear about them? Of course you do. I bet you wouldn’t miss it.
CAN CHURCH BE LIKE THIS? The answer to that with a lot of people might be, well maybe it could be but should it? Of course it should. Why? God gets them drunk and He does not make mistakes. “Oh, I don’t believe He would do anything like that,” you say. Now if that were true, then He lied, and we know He doesn’t lie. If you still don’t believe it, talk to one of the “Spiritual drunks.” They’re the ones with the experience and you can’t argue with experience.
DRUNKS AND MORE DRUNKS Just as in the world, spiritual drunks are sometimes very funny. I’ve seen them with that “nobody home” look in their eyes and unable to navigate. Oh you should feel sorry for them. It’s so embarrassing. I don’t feel sorry for them. They are so full of joy and carefree, without stress, plus no hangover the next morning. That is and sounds great. Try it, you’ll like it. Some act so goofy that you would think they would be embarrassed and wouldn’t dare come to church again the next night. Yet, they not only show up the next night, but they sit on the front row. Bet you thought they would sneak in the back, with their face covered. No way, they’ve got nothing to hide, because the almighty God gloriously met their need the night before.
A CLASSIC DRUNK In one of my meetings, a man got drunk and said he had a word from the Lord. (He thought it was a word of prophecy, which people 18
speak out sometimes) I thought, “He’s so drunk he probably doesn’t, but if I don’t give him a mike, we might miss a classic.” I gave him the mike and he said the following in a perfect “John Wayne” style and accent. “I wanna tell you sumpin’ and you’d better listen, cause I’m only gonna say it once.” The crowd erupted in uproarious laughter. We weren’t expecting a “John Wayne” prophecy. The two – John Wayne and Prophecy – just don’t compute. Did you ever hear of anything like that? In a ministers meeting, a missionary got drunk in the Spirit and staggered to the front. He said he wanted to say something. The pastor in charge, nodded his approval. The missionary just sat down in the middle of the aisle, crossed his legs and proceeded to speak. It came out in an “Elmer Fudd” imitation. He didn’t intend that to happen. As it happened again, he became quite frustrated. His next words were, “I’m twying to be seweeus.” The whole crowd roared. Again, “I’m twying to be seweeus.” That time, a pastor on the front row, jokingly said, “Thurtenly.” All decorum and order were gone by now. Incidentally, the missionary purportedly knew five languages and was obviously a very educated man. So much for education and dignity, God had made a shambles of both.
FISHING FOR JESUS The disciples in Jesus’ day were fisherman, so why not do it again today. A pastor’s wife, a very nice appearing woman, well dressed and normally well mannered, was sitting on the front row, when she suddenly slid off the chair, did the splits and with a dead pan expression began to pretend she was fishing. She pretended she had a rod and reel and was reeling them in. I know some of your reactions. That poor woman, she must have been so embarrassed. Apparently not. She came the next night, with her head held high and as if nothing had happened the night before.
CHAIR SLIDING AND BATHROOM HOPPING I bet that headline alone, brings shock to some. But it was a blast, at least for me and many others. A woman was sitting innocently observing the goings on when she slid off her chair. (That’s called “Backsliding by the way) When she tried to sit back in the chair, God 19
caused her to miss it by about an inch. She would try again and still miss it. After several other ill fated attempts, she started backing up slowly, squatting down and as she approached the chair, feeling of herself with one hand and the other on the chair. Yet, she would still miss! Two teen-age boys were watching, holding their hands over their chests and pointing to each other, as if to say, “Look at her, she did it again.” I bet it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. They’ve probably never forgotten that night. But the story’s not over. After discovering that she couldn’t sit in the chair, she went to the restroom and came out about five minutes later with the Holy Spirit “Hotfoot.” She was dancing around, kicking her legs in the air, slapping the bottoms of her feet, yelling ouch, ouch, ouch! She danced clear outside in that condition. Evidently no one saw or heard her, because the police weren’t called. That’s enough to eradicate your self esteem for life. “Yeah, isn’t that what happens?” No, not really. Instead they are usually more emotionally stable after that. I will give some testimonies toward the end of this book concerning some great emotional healings, even including rape victims.
CHAPTER THREE EVEN BIZARRE ONES Does that word “bizarre” bother you? Well, don’t worry. I’m not using it in a sinister context but instead simply referring to the very different and unusual. The bizarre happenings can be very hilarious too. But before we relate some of them, let me address a matter that might be a concern. If God is doing all of this in church, doesn’t it bring a reproach on His name and also isn’t it very irreverent? The answer is no to both questions. Why? If God is doing all of this, (And if He isn’t that’s a different matter) then why would He reproach His own name? If you’ll pardon me putting it this way, He’s surely smarter than that. Now the second answer. To think it’s irreverent is because of a misconception of the word. Most Christians think reverence is always a time of serenity and quietness before God. That could be true if it were always God’s mood. But on the other hand, what if God’s mood is hilarity and a party atmosphere? It would be irreverent to be a spiritual “Party pooper!” Shocking? No, it’s true. Well, we might as well face it. God approves of spiritual parties and there are PARTY ANIMALS in the kingdom of God. There! I said it. I can imagine some of you are in such a quandary. “Do I continue reading these brash statements by such a misguided author or do I put the book down and never look back?” Sorry about that, but I make no apologies for anything I’ve just written. I know it all to be true and the message must get out, God is colorful, fun, friendly and even great to “Hang out with.”
NOW FOR THE BIZARRE In the Bible, it speaks about the “Foolishness of God.” I Corinthians 21
1:27. Much of what I’ve written thus far, qualifies as foolishness but I have even wilder accounts of such. The following story is a case in point. A woman one evening turned to her friend, toward the end of the service and remarked, “I don’t see anything so funny about all of this.” God must have heard her and immediately set a plan in motion. She and her friend then exited the building. About thirty minutes later , the pastor and I walked out. We were greeted by a rather chaotic scene on the parking lot. The woman who had failed to see any humor in the meeting, was laid out on the parking lot on her back, throwing her keys up in the air and yelling “Whee.” There was a smudge of grease on the side of her face and a few spots of grease on her beautiful pink dress. It was very apparent that the almighty God had ambushed her right at the door of her car. “Ambushed her?” “Oh, I don’t think so.” Don’t’ kid yourself, He’s very capable of it. “Do you think He was mad at her?” No, I don’t think so, I think He was just having fun with a skeptic. Nevertheless she was in a predicament. Now that was just part of a bizarre scene. At the same time, a lady named Pauline was cruising about five miles an hour, slumped down behind the steering wheel of her car. She was following a rectangular pattern on the outer edge of the parking lot. Every couple of minutes or so, the group on the parking lot would say, “Here comes Pauline again and sure enough she’d cruise by. She lived about an hour away and it was about 10:30 PM. Her school age son was with her, yet it made little difference to God, it was a school night. He knew the kid would survive the loss of sleep. After about thirty minutes of “slow motion” cruising, she pulled out on the street. Someone said, “Well, I guess she’s going home.” No, not quite. She just circled the parking lot, pulled back in and cruised for another thirty minutes. You ask, “Why would she do that?” The answer is simple – temporary brain dysfunction. The “New wine” of the Holy Spirit had taken it’s toll. Evidently she was “tanked up.” The antics of the drunks on the parking lot, had created a lively scene, so much so that four macho men were standing in front of a disco bar across the street. They were more attracted by the “show” God was staging, than any action or lack thereof, at the disco bar. Four of the church group started to cross the street to “witness” to them. When the men saw them approaching, they promptly ran away. Four 22
macho men, intimidated by some fearless saints. That alone was funny. I hope you can picture the scene we’ve just described. I remember it as though it was yesterday. A colorful God at work! Not as bizarre, but just as funny happened at the same church. It was Easter Sunday morning. Serious Christians put a lot more emphasis on the resurrection of Jesus than the Easter bunny. Accordingly, we had praised God for the risen Savior and as I remember my sermon was a special one along that line. After the sermon, I had people line up for prayer. That is my usual mode of ministry and during that time is where the “action” begins. One woman was on the floor on her hands and knees. She then wiggled her hips a couple of times and did two short hops. Immediately I realized it was the “Easter bunny.” That was nice of God to give us a live bunny, albeit a human. Is your head on “tilt” again? “But again, why would God have the woman imitate a bunny if He wants us to major on the risen Savior?” I suppose He knew our perspective on that special day of Easter was correct, so as gesture of humor, He did what He did. I can’t figure Him out and neither can you, but He sure if fun, anyway. I imagine you’ve gathered by now, that such antics don’t bother me.
ODD COMBINATION This story is something else. It involves a lady pastor, a man on the altar and if that’s not enough, a man in a dog suit. Try that one on for size (no pun intended). It started with a lady pastor and her best friend laid out on the floor. They were engaged in what I’m sure they thought was a private conversation but yet being heard by the whole congregation. I don’t know how many others grasped the fact that they were unaware of our listening in. Talk about eavesdropping we were guilty as charged. Not purposely of course. One of them said, “Do you know what happened last week?” “No, what?” “Well, my daughter did this,” and it trailed on and on. That’s aberrant behavior. That might be scary (the aberrant behavior) with some but not if God is in control. He protects from any possible psychosis. While this is happening, I noticed a man standing on an old fashioned altar bench at the side of the church. He would look to the right and then to the left with his hands cupped to both eyes as if to say “One if by land and two if by sea” and then if that was not enough, a man 23
came in the back from another room with a complete dog suit on. (He evidently had borrowed it from the children’s church area.) Then the man (in the dog suit) got right in front of a woman who wasn’t expecting it and when she saw him, she screamed and ran out of the church. If that isn’t an odd combination, I don’t know what is and it happened in church. You probably think by now that any pastor who has me come is crazy. Not really, but you’d think so. However, any pastor who invites me is either brave or uninformed.
THE LION, THE WHIP AND THE CAGE Is that headline provocative enough? It happened on an otherwise uneventful Sunday morning. I had been to the church to minister twice before and the pastor’s wife had gotten very drunk in the Holy Spirit each time. This time before the service, I said, “Wanda, you’re going to get it this morning.” She adamantly informed me that nothing untoward would happen to her. That was like saying, “Sock it to me, Lord.” It’s much better to say, “God willing, nothing will happen.” As the service progressed, she was behaving admirably on the front row until God zapped her. I had just prayed for a man who was seated in a chair with his legs suspended in front of him. Wanda leaped off the chair, grabbed his feet, took his shoes off and tried to remove his socks. The poor man fell off the chair and started crawling rapidly across the platform. Wanda chased him down with the chair (a light plastic one) in one hand and then put it on his back. She then sat in it and proceeded to take his sock off. If that wasn’t enough she backed off about five feet and would whip the sock at him as a lion tamer would his whip. That poor, innocent man had just been humiliated by the pastor’s wife. If anyone ought to know how to act in church it should be the pastor or his wife. After the service we went out to lunch. (I think the pastor’s wife was already “out to lunch,” figuratively speaking) As we’re sitting in the restaurant, Wanda looked at me and stated, “That was strange.” I replied, “I know.” Then she added, “That is a strange man, it’s a wonder he didn’t ‘deck me.” Now for the reaction of the “strange man.” Instead of getting mad (which logically would have been normal) he was mellowed and asked for the experience of the infilling of the Holy Spirit. (You can read about that experience in Acts 2:4 in the Bible) They said the man had never been open to receive that marvelous and needed 24
experience before. Bizarre behavior, but great results.
WHY SO MANY STORIES? “Yeah, why so many, you’ve already made your point that God is colorful?” I realize that, but my reason is two-fold. The more illustrations I share, the more I’ve driven the point home and second, I want to thoroughly entertain you and keep you reading until the very end. Hey, I must be doing a good job because you’re still with me, huh?
CHAPTER FOUR GOD’S INTEREST IN JOY Even if you’re unconverted, you know what a kingdom is. Therefore, I believe you can grasp the following. (I certainly don’t mean to imply that unconverted people are ignorant, but if they haven’t studied the Bible they are uninformed about certain scriptures and doctrines.) I don’t mean to make this heavy, but it will help you to understand God is in these things we’ve been relating. In the book of Romans, in the New Testament, chapter 14 and verse 17 it says “The kingdom of God is not meat and drink, but righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.” Three primary things comprise the kingdom of God. Righteousness, peace and joy. Note that joy therefore, is one third of the kingdom. If the kingdom of God is vast – and it certainly is – then joy is also vast and extremely important. People value joy and happiness to such an extent, that some with seemingly everything society has to offer, go to the extreme of committing suicide citing unhappiness and loneliness. Therefore, God has made Himself full of joy and a colorful being to share the same with us. Why? Because undoubtedly, He wants us to have a wonderful, abundant life. “If that’s the case, why is there death, wickedness and suffering in the world?” Those things certainly exist, but it’s not God causing or even promoting such. Many people in the world are wicked and cause destruction, while sometimes it’s just the effects of nature. So, we shouldn’t blame it on God.
WE’RE MAKING OUR CASE At least I hope we are, and I believe we have. You, the reader, will make the final decision though. If through this book, I can only change a few, I will have considered it a success. 26
In my meetings, there’s at times, an avalanche of joy. I might have used that word, “avalanche” before, but it best describes it. I’ll explain some more about my ministry. I pray for the sick and I’m what the world would label a “faith healer.” I don’t agree with the term, “faith healer.” Because I know that I don’t heal, but God does. But I go ahead and pray for the sick, believing that God will heal them. Not everyone is healed as I lay hands on them, but so many are that it makes it all worthwhile. Not only do I pray for the sick, but there’s tremendous joy, manifested in uproarious laughter. Seemingly, God does everything thing He can to promote the laughter. Sometimes people will laugh for as much as two hours of deep belly laughs. You can’t make yourself laugh that intensely for that long. “But what does laughter have to do with the healing?” In Proverbs 17:11 it says ”A merry heart does good like a medicine.” Like a medicine. We’ve already mentioned that medical science has discovered the value of laughter and is using it as a therapy for the terminally ill. The results are documented. There’s the story of Norman Cousins. He was a professor at UCLA University. He became seriously ill with a disease of the connective tissues in his body. The story goes that he found that intense laughter for about ten minutes would cause the pain to leave for up to two hours. So he got some Marx Bros. movies and similar others and started laughter as a therapy. The laughter didn’t just maintain status quo, but brought about an eventual complete manifestation of healing. Hey, God knew what He was talking about after all, it does good like a medicine! Want to try it? Why not? You do it anyway when a comedian performs or even mildly funny things occur. You see, there’s nothing wrong with it. Since God wants it for us, we should not fight it, criticize it or ignore it. Now let me tell you how I operate in the healing part of the service.
JOKING AROUND What do you mean, joking around? We need to be serious about this ministry of healing. Yes, we do and I am. But as I’m seriously approaching the matter, I realize the need for joy to get the serious job done. I hope that makes sense. 27
I’ve been in a healing ministry for 39 years and I know the ropes, so to speak. For the first 13 years, my decorum and mode of ministry were very sedate, also serious and many were healed. But then in 1983, God began what I’ve described as the “Avalanche of Joy” in the meetings. Then I began to “joke around” when the people came up for healing. J would tease them at times and I maintained a “light atmosphere” as I ministered to their needs. Occasionally I would even tell a joke either before or after I prayed. Did it inhibit God or stop the manifestations of healing? No, a thousand time no. The amount of healings even increased. Although I observed and appreciated the continuation of the healings, I had no clue as to a special thing God was doing. I thought the “joking around” was just something God was tolerating and permitting. Not until about three months ago (twenty six years after the fact) did He reveal there was far more to the “joking around” than that. He said to me, “It’s my will that you joke around in the healing lines, in fact I even cause it to happen.” He then explained further. He said, “I create such an atmosphere of joy, that when you tell a joke, it’s ten times funnier that otherwise. Therefore, when you tell the joke it greatly increases the laughter and brings about more healing and that’s what I want.” He added, “It not only increases the joy but maintains that same atmosphere. He definitely wants to heal and He wants you, the reader, healed. Hey, you hadn’t counted on that, had you. In fact, I’m going to include a prayer right now for your healing. If you don’t want to read it, just close your eyes. “Heavenly Father, we thank you in advance for healing any reader who wants to accept it. I believe that your power is sufficient to bring about the healing and I trust that those who are healed will give you, their God, the glory and thanks as they realize they’re healed. In Jesus name, we pray. “Amen.” Now just thank God everyday for your healing and please let me know if you’re healed. Just email me – the address is in the back of the book.
CHAPTER FIVE THE WIDE VARIETY God created variety. It’s evident in nature, fingerprints, DNA, humans, our personalities and so much more. The wide variety of things God does, just makes Him ever more interesting. Remember, we’re dealing with the personality of God – as we’ve titled the book – The colorful side of God. About the time you think you’re seen about everything He can do, He does some more and delights in it. I remarked to a friend that God has a lot up His sleeve and he said, “Yeah, and He has a big sleeve too.” One night a lady was walking an imaginary tight rope. She seemed to be very serious, as she put one foot cautiously in front of the other one. She was also teetering back and forth. Two of her friends got about ten feet in front of her and jumped up and down. That knocked her off the tight rope and they though it was hilarious. However, she wasn’t through. Very seriously again, she tried it. Same results. Her friends jumped up and down and knocked her off. They laughed and laughed. Now they might have just been doing it without any prompting from God, but she must have believed herself that God especially wanted her to walk it. I thought at the time, this is very different and knew it was another expression of God’s variety. The same night, a man’s arm went out to the side and his thumb stuck out. I realized we had a “hitch hiker” in our midst. His arm stayed out for thirty minutes. If you think he was just doing that on his own, why did his arm stay up for thirty minutes? You can’t hold your arm out straight for that long. No way. As he was standing there (rather embarrassed by his plight) the pastor’s wife got up, laughing, and proceeded to circle him pretending as she did to drive a car. The crowd roared. Then she sat down as though nothing had happened. Later she shared, “God told me that I had al29
ways had a desire to stop for a hitch hiker and while they would be running to catch the car, I would speed off.” She said, “ God added, I let you satisfy that desire.” Is that unique or not?
GOD WILL PLAY WITH HIS KIDS That comes as a surprise to many, that God would even think to play with His kids or take the time. Perhaps He wants to and I’m sure that’s it. I’ve seen it happen so many times, that I’m confident of that trait in Him. How about an example. Can you believe it, I just happen to have a story about it. This one’s hilarious and bizarre. A man was crawling on the floor and attacked an artificial plant, without even being provoked. It was a fern and he rooted around in it and got a piece of it in his mouth. With the fern hanging out of his mouth, he crawled across the front of the church, over the top of a man on the floor and then continued on, snorting like a pig. You say, “Oh those poor ignorant people.” Well, they were neither poor or ignorant. The church had some affluent and yuppie types in it, but they had decided they wanted God despite any possible loss of influence in society. So much for that misguided criticism. The pastor and I went out to lunch. He looked at me and made an outstanding evaluation, “You know, if I played that way with my kids and they were howling in laughter, no one would think a thing about it.” That’s true, pretending you’re a pig attacking the artificial plant and then crawling around with it hanging out your mouth – great entertainment for the family. How about an academy award for that one! When the pastor said, “If I played with my kids that way,” I suddenly realized that God had been playing with the whole congregation that day. He wasn’t just playing with the man, He was playing I repeat with all of us. Let’s analyze if further. We don’t see God, so if He’s going to play with us, He has to use one of us. Therefore, we can conclude He must have been playing with everyone. How neat but even more so, how precious. Great emotional healing potential in something like that.
LETTING HIS KIDS PLAY Get a picture of a father sitting in the big chair and then he decides to get up and play with the kids on the floor. Next though picture the 30
same father who decides not to get up but instead just smiles with approval while his kids are at play. Isn’t it cool that God would also allow His kids to play. Hey, my wife doesn’t like the word “cool” but I decided to use it anyway. Don’t tell her though. Just kidding. God will also tease. I’ll give an example of that a little bit later. There were two men who loved “red neck” jokes. I hope any red neck readers don’t try to tar and feather me. I decided to tell a red neck joke during the time of the healing line. I ask, “Do you know what you get when you cross a red neck with the Devil?” The answer – Beelzebubba. (For those who may not know, Beelzebub is a name for the Devil in the Bible) The two men who loved the red neck jokes, went wild with laughter. They looked at each other, one elbowed the other and they both slid off their chairs onto the floor. From that moment on, they played like little kids. After awhile I noticed they were on their bellies crawling, with a cloth over one’s head and the other with a jacket over his face. They were apparently pretending to be “stealth fighters” and were sneaking up on an usher to tackle him. In a short while, they accomplished their plan. Hi jinks in the House of God.
GOD TEASES A WOMAN A woman came up for prayer and seemed to be okay, but when she went back to sit down and started to turn in the row, God stopped her feet. She looked confused and stunned. She made repeated attempts to get in the row but to no avail. Her chair was just the second one in the row. But God said, “No way.” She even made the statement, “I’m going to sit in that chair.” It wouldn’t be half as funny if they would just give up, but no not her. Then she thought she had a bright idea. She found that she could back up and even walk forward, so she went down the aisle, across the back and up the other aisle. Then she tried to sneak in the other end of the row. Not acceptable to God. Then someone suggested they take the chair out from the front row so she could sneak in there. That also proved unsuccessful. I said, “Let’s take her chair and put it out into the aisle for her to sit in.” To her surprise God let her do that. But she didn’t want to sit out there. So she tried to inch the chair over with her sitting on it, to get it into the row. “Oh, no you don’t.” He stopped the legs of the chair even 31
with the end of the row. After all that, she finally gave up and had to go somewhere else and sit for the rest of the meeting. God had teased one of His kids. Again some are probably wondering why God would want to tease someone. Think about it. He’s our Heavenly Father and any good father on earth knows the value of playfully teasing his kids. It’s so similar with the Heavenly Father.
AN INMATE’S TESTIMONY This testimony came as a result of another book I wrote. Incidentally, that book is out of print. In the book, I mentioned that God would play with his kids. A guard at a prison had the book and loaned it to one of the inmates. The next evening when the guard came for his shift, the inmate shared a testimony. He said, “Man, let me tell you about that book. I stayed up all night reading it and I was overwhelmed by the fact that God would play with His kids. And about four in the morning, a hand came right out of the air and it began to play with my face. The fingers jiggled my chin, pinched my cheeks and even tweaked my nose. “I knew it was the hand of God playing with me.” What a testimony. If you don’t believe that one, I feel sorry for you. Sure it’s far out but certainly possible with an almighty God. God is the God of miracles whether you happen to believe it or not.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? I wish I could interview every reader at this point of the book. Have I changed any minds? I would assume I’ve probably changed some. Others are possibly in the process of changing. If so, I’ve got a lot more to present, so it should make an impact with some. If at this point you don’t believe God is colorful at all, you should just put the book down. It’s obvious that you have chosen not to believe. However, it you want to stay with us just for the fun aspect or because the stories are very interesting, then welcome to it. I love writing a book like this, not just for the sake of truth, but to entertain. If I don’t happen to entertain you, I certainly more than amuse myself. The stories never grow old and there’s never ending humor in them for me. Hey, enough of this serious stuff, it’s PARTY TIME!
CHAPTER SIX REDNECKS, ANYONE? Previously I mentioned a little about red necks, so I thought I’d present some red neck type jokes. A friend of mine suggested a take off on red necks. All the following scenarios really happened, although we’re presenting them in a red neck format. So, if you keep in mind that it really happened, it will be even funnier. If you get in the backseat of your car, instead of the front and wonder where the steering wheel is,…you just might have been to a Joe Jordan meeting...
If you get in the front seat of the car and before you can bring the other leg in, you wonder why it’s missing...you just might have been to a Joe Jordan meeting.
If you’re laid out on your back on the parking lot of the church after the service, baying at the moon like a hound dog,...you just might have been to a Joe Jordan meeting.
If you’re criticizing the service at church and you end up under the pew staring at pieces of gum when God says, “Pick one” …you just might be in a Joe Jordan meeting. If you searching under a church seat, when the pastor asks, “What are you doing and you answer, “Looking for Nemo”… you just might be at a Joe Jordan meeting.
If you’re looking at a man in church who doesn’t even have big ears and you think he’s Mickey Mouse...you just 33
might be at a Joe Jordan meeting.
If you’re a woman sitting on the curb after a church service in a drenching rain and you’re hollering at passing cars, “Praise the Lord!”...you just might have been at a Joe Jordan meeting.
If the pastor is trying to get you to let your wife drive home because you’re drunk and it’s Sept. 1, when you wish him “Merry Christmas”...you just might have been at a Joe Jordan meeting.
How’s that for some red neck type jokes. I’ve got a million of them. The meetings are a steady stream of humor. God is funny. One lady had just realized God’s humor when she said, “God is so funny” and went into peals of laughter. After three or four minutes the laughter would subside and again she would say, “God is so funny.” That continued for thirty minutes or so. What a revelation, at least for someone who had the concept that God is dull and boring. Sure He’s funny but is He more than that. Oh, yeah. He’s much more. In fact, He’s greater at anything than humans. I could write about His compassion, His love, His peace, His kindness and countless other attributes, but for now our focus is His personality, especially His humor.
ANIMATION IMITATION One young man who had been bound in a cult, suddenly jumped up and ran wildly down the aisle. He jumped over a chair and kept running. I thought he would probably lap the auditorium several times, but instead he fell out on his back when he reached the front. He was laid out on his back with his arms out from his body. There was a nobody home look in his eyes. A young lady, laughing as she did, grabbed an oil can (containing anointing oil) and squirted some on his ankle. Then she moved the foot back and forth, after which she proceeded to lubricate his elbow and apparently loosened it up. The pastor’s wife exclaimed – “It’s the Wizard of Oz!” Evidently God enjoyed that movie classic. 34
GOD’S DRY HUMOR One night I was waiting for a pastor to introduce me, when God spoke to me and said, “I’m smarter than the average God.” A Yogi Bear ism. It struck me very funny. Of course He’s smarter than the average God. According to Him (and of course, true) there are no other Gods. Why then, would He say that? Undoubtedly to just crack me up. He did and now about 15 years later, I still chuckle every time I think about it. One of the tests of great humor is does it still create an impact year later. Well, obviously God’s Yogi Bear ism qualifies. A hallmark of humor is the ridiculous. For God to use such an expression is totally ridiculous. Most of people don’t even believe that God would know who Yogi Bear is and further more wouldn’t stoop to such unsophisticated behavior. “God you’re such a disappointment.” “You’ve ruined our image of you.” “In the future, please live up to your kingly state” Hey, can you think of anything else to reprimand God for? Well, enough of sarcasim for now, but I think you get my point.
ATHLETIC PROWESS It’s athletic prowess by unlikely people. I’ve seen it happen in the meetings enough times that it’s significant. I don’t know why God causes it to happen unless He just wants to produce the miracles and thereby maintain our awe of Him. Or, maybe He just likes to “show off.” I think it might be some of both.
THE PIANO LEAP A young man was standing the second row back and I said, “Get him Lord,” thinking he would fall down and get drunk. You say, “That’s cruel.” “Oh no, it’s fun.” Hey, I don’t feel sorry for the drunks, they are blessed and almost 100 per cent love it. Now, back to the young man. Instead of getting drunk, he stepped out into the aisle and ran rapidly down the aisle. I think he ran faster that anyone I’ve ever seen. It was a though a rocket was attached to him. Down the aisle, around the back and up the other aisle onto a high platform. There was a grand piano on the lower level and the young man headed for it. The pastor said he had mixed emotions. Was he going to hurt himself or crash into a ten thousand dollar grand piano? Or, on the other hand, was it God? Well, it must have been God, because he leaped clear over 35
it and just kept running. A miracle runner! That’s awesome. Miraculous? Of course, by any stretch of the imagination.
ROBERT’S INVISIBLE CHAIR A teen ager named Robert was standing next to the wall, observing the goings on. Unexpectedly he started sliding down the wall until he came to a seated position. His legs were bent at the knees and his body positioned as though he was sitting in a chair, but there was no chair visible. We called it, “Robert’s invisible chair.” Had he remained in that position only a few seconds, it wouldn’t have been spectacular. But instead, he remained there – in that same position – about an hour and before it was over he was crossing one leg over the other. If I’ve enabled you to picture that scene properly, you know that was a mighty miracle. You ask, “What was the purpose of it?” I’m not sure, but probably God just wanted to work a miracle right in front of our eyes.
THE COUCH POTATO ACROBAT How do you like that title? And I bet I have you curious? A teen ager became an acrobat in a meeting. He did flips and many different routines. His mother stood in awe. She said, “He can’t do that. He doesn’t like to exercise and it’s all I can do to get him off the couch.” She added, “He would rather sit and read a book than to play ball.” Well, that “couch potato” was exercised, (not exorcised, thank God) that night. To give you an idea of one thing he did, it happened as he was sitting on a steel folding chair. He put his heels on the front edge of the chair and his hands on th side, then he did a backward flip in the air and landed on his feet. All of that without “muscle memory.” I’m certainly not an expert on acrobatics, but I would assume that’s nearly impossible for someone not trained. That whole display of talent lasted about one and one half hours. What a show! With God in charge and no admission fee. How about that? Impressed? I am!
COLLEGE STUDENT’S DILEMMA A college student, very disciplined and motivated encountered something totally unexpected. First, she was stuck to the wall about thirty minutes. If that wasn’t enough, her problems increased when she got to her car. As she sat down in the front seat and before she could 36
bring her legs inside, the legs shot straight out in the air and there she sat with stiff legs sticking out the door opening. Some teens were watching and laughing at the spectacle. She was undoubtedly frustrated and seeking help, she summoned one of the teens. She said, “Stand on my legs and see if they’ll come down.” I can imagine her thoughts. “How on earth did I get in this position and what can I do to get them free?” Perhaps God and Jesus were laughing hysterically and “high fiveing” each other. With the sense of humor I’ve witnessed in God, I would not be surprised at all if there were a scene such as that occurring in Heaven. “Do you think God would high five?” Why not, He watches us and surely by now, He’s picked up the habit. Now back to the poor college student with her legs stuck. The teen obliged by standing on her legs. Did that work? No way. God wasn’t going to let her off that easy. The legs remained suspended. I don’t know when God released her. Suffice it to say, she had an unforgettable experience. “What do you think God’s motive was.” I can’t be sure of course, but probably just to show her his power. There’s such a backlash against God in so may institutions of higher learning that God could have used that miracle to establish her faith. When you’ve come face to face with a miracle, it should and most of the times will, create a deeper appreciation of the Almighty God. I hope that’s happening with you. You may not believe that story, but I bet there’s part of you that says, “I hate to admit it but it just might be true – and if it is, I’ve got a problem.” Hey, be careful, you might just slip over into a believers world. Don’t tell your friends, though, they might think you’re crazy and if they ask why it happened, just show them this book and ask them to read it. Then let them mentally squirm as they do.
A MIRACLE AND A FOOT Speaking of college students, a coed at Ohio State University was walking across the campus. Her foot was turning in, which it had done since childhood and was complicating her ability to walk. She believed in prayer and healing. Without premeditating it, she looked up toward the sky and said, “God I know you can heal this foot.” God’s power flowed through her body and the foot straightened out. 37
That was certainly a miracle, so she phoned her parents and told them about it. About two days later, it turned in again. She was dismayed, but didn’t blame God. She phoned her Dad and told him of the “Two day miracle,” adding “I know He healed it but I guess two days is all I could have.” After a short while, he phoned her back and said, “Listen, God healed your foot, so ask Him again and He’ll do it.” She did and sure enough it happened. The foot straightened right in front of her eyes. In a day or two, it turned in again, but this time she knew what to do. She just simply prayed again and it went back and forth like that – the foot turning in and then straightening – for seven times before it stayed straight. Obviously God wanted her foot straight. So the lesson is to just persist for that which we need, knowing that God wants (and doesn’t purposely refrain from) meeting our needs. You see God loves you and wants you to have a great life even here on earth.
HOTEL CAPERS I was ministering at a hotel ballroom and three college age girls came in. As they entered, one said to the other two – “I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t even believe in God.” The meeting progressed and after the sermon, I invited those who wanted prayer to come up. Several did, including the young lady who had said, “I don’t even believe in God.” Why did she come forward if she didn’t believe? Maybe the God she doesn’t believe in somehow sneakily influenced her to do so? Just a thought. When I came to her, I asked, “What do you want me to pray for?” She said, “I don’t know. Just pray.” So I did, and God rudely dumped her on the floor. “Wait a minute, why would He do that.” Why not, she won’t even admit He is worthy of recognition. She’s the rude one. Well, the “rude one” is unceremoniously stuck on the floor, right in front of everyone, including her friends. After trying to get up but can’t, “She looked up at me quizzically and asked, “Why is He doing this?” He? Who is He? One hour earlier you won’t even admit His personage. I said, “I don’t know.” She had to wait impatiently until He released her. When He did, she took off for the door, running as hard as she could, out into the hallway, in front of the hotel registration desk, when the Almighty God caused her knees to buckle and she crumpled to the 38
floor. A spectacle in front of everyone. The moral of the story is – Don’t make accusations against God in a public place. Did she ever believe, I don’t know but she’s a fool if she didn’t. You say, “How embarrassing.” Listen, she had it coming. I don’t feel sorry for her, at all. Hey, don’t tangle with God. Don’t even try it!
A SENIOR IS STAR Some have probably thought that these wild things only happen to young people or young adults. I’ve got news for you, it can happen to seniors. Don’t count us out. There’s a phenomena which occurs in my meetings frequently. It’s what I call the lengthening of legs. Nearly everyone who has back trouble has a short leg. The British medical journal labled it the “short leg syndrome.” If the concept is still foreign to you, consider the fact that a doctor will suggest that you wear a lift in your shoe. Obviously it’s to balance you out. But God does it supernaturally in my meetings. I’ve seen about 80 per cent of people healed of lower back trouble in my meetings and it nearly always occurs when I pray for the leg to lengthen. The next story involves a woman about 70 years of age. I checked the length of the lady’s legs by having her sit in a chair and then hold them strait out in front of her. She did and one leg was short. When I prayed it came out, but then her legs stayed suspended in the air straight in front of her. Her legs slowly went down but then stopped about 8 inches above the floor and just stayed there. Guess how long? Four hours, count ‘em, four hours. Did you ever try to hold your legs out in front of you? You probably can’t do it more than five minutes. How about a “thumbs up” for the seniors?
MOTORING 70 YEAR OLD In another service, a man also about 70 years of age did one of the most spectacular things I’ve ever seen, period! He ran backward rapidly, I believe as fast as someone could run forward, but in a manner which was incredible. He ran with his feet and toes in the air and only the tips of the heels of his cowboy boots touching the floor. You know, maybe I need to have an artist sketch some of these stories for an illustration. I wish we had many of these stories on video, but especially that one.
CHAPTER SEVEN MORE HI JINKS WITH GOD “Isn’t that a little flippant to refer to God’s works as “hi jinks.” No, I don’t think so. If He doesn’t want me calling them that, why does He continue to do things of that nature? You see, after many years of determining His personality by His actions, I’ve realized He thinks and acts in the way I phrase it. Two ushers weighed 545 pounds between them. One of them 285 and the other 265. The one who weighed 280 fell down and got stuck on the floor. The other one tried and tried to get him up. Finally he did and then God spun him around and started them both running forward at top speed. One of them said later that it was like an angel had a hand in his back and he felt he couldn’t have slowed down if he’d tried. As they ran across the front of the auditorium, there was a man stuck on the floor in their path. Here comes 545 pounds of human flesh at top speed. The man didn’t panic, but his eyes were getting bigger by the moment. As this was happening, I noticed the whole crowd stand automatically to see what would happen. They knew there was a helpless man on the floor. What happened? One of them slammed face down on his left side and the other one face down on his right side. They only missed him by about an inch on both sides. That’s excitement in the House of God. We love excitement. But some would say, “Not in church.” There’s no law against it. It’s just the traditions of people which preclude it. I’ve said a lot about joy, but let’s add excitement to it. And who can produce better excitement than God. A psychologist came to me after a service and said, “Brother, I want to share something with you. I’m a psychologist and I understand emotions. Tonight I saw both joy and excitement and they’re two of the best emotions there are.” Then he 40
added, “God was working a therapy on the audience.”
PASTORS AND RESTAURANTS Picture the dignified pastor, a man of the cloth, leader of the flock, one who should have proper decorum at all times, yet vulnerable to a fun loving God. Would God do anything to a pastor? Better believe it. I’ve seen it happen. I was seated next to a pastor at a restaurant when he unexpectedly began to slide off the seat. He remarked, “I’m sliding.” Then he said, “This cushion is loose.” Whereupon he looked at his wife and said, “Honey, scoot over.” She did and he was still sliding. He had to sit with his knee propped against the table leg for the whole meal, to keep from sliding. God simply had fun with a pastor. Church people love it when a pastor “get’s it,” I think because they know they don’t have authority to do it themselves, but God does. Hey, not even pastor’s wives are immune. Again we were at a restaurant after church and the pastor’s wife’s head turned to the left, a full ninety degrees. Then it got stuck in that position. When the waitress came to take the order, the wife’s head was still stuck, so she cocked her eyes around and said, “I want a hamburger and fries.” The waitress started to laugh and then stopped abruptly, I’m sure thinking, “It’s probably a handicapped lady and I’d better not laugh. When she returned with the food, the wife’s head was turned and stuck to the opposite side, again at ninety degrees. The waitress just looked totally confused probably this time thinking, “I could have sworn that her head was stuck to the left instead of the right.” “Oh how embarrassing, you say.” Yeah, but oh the fun the rest of us had. The moral of that story is just don’t marry a pastor and also don’t be a pastor.
IS IT REAL? The question becomes, are these people just acting or is it real, at least most of the time? I believe it’s real a vast majority of the time. There may be a few times that perhaps someone has put on an act, that’s certainly possible. However, I’ve been watching this phenomena for 26 years and I can assure you there’s very little faking. After observing it that long, I should detect when someone just wants 41
to put on a show. But then though, what if they do? What have they hurt. A majority are participating and one more, albeit a pretender, won’t hurt anything. Maybe this will help put it in perspective. A psychology major at a leading university was sitting next to her mother and watching all the antics. She turned to her mother and said, “This would have to be God. You couldn’t get that many people to act like fools in front of that many people.” The rules of human behavior just wouldn’t allow it. So, real or not real – that is the question?
KANGAROO HOP A pastor’s son is very reserved. He would never preach or do anything else publicly. The father asked him one time if he would preside over the tithes and offerings. He said, “No way. If you want it received, you’ll have to do it yourself.” He is not obstinate but just adamant about doing nothing publicly. He supports the church, respects his Dad’s position and is a good father, husband and provider. Maybe God hadn’t heard how reserved he was. It was in one of my meetings. The son was at least brave enough attend that night. I was praying for the needs of people when he turned to his wife and said, “I need to go to the bathroom.” He had a predicament, the closest way to the bathroom was to walk behind me in front of the congregation. When he said to his wife, “I have to go to the bathroom,” her response was “Well, I’m not going with you,” as though she normally did. Finally the need to go outweighed the “dangerous” path to the restroom. So he started and suddenly God ambushed him. He started doing sort of a kangaroo hop all the way across the front of the church. After that you’d think God would leave him alone. No way! He had special plans for the next two evenings. The next evening he was seated next to the aisle, the second row back. A woman who had just been prayed for was walking past him when he playfully growled and lunged at her. She screamed and fell down and a woman across the aisle was holding her three year old “down syndrome” nephew and when she saw what was happening, she fell off the pew and the three year old went catapulting through the air and landed on the floor. The child wasn’t hurt and in fact, just laughed. Surely after making such a spectacle of himself, the pastor’s son 42
won’t attend the next evening. Oh yeah, he was there in the same pew. Again he was seated next to the aisle. Three women seated in the middle of the pew needed to get out. The nearest way was in front of Todd. Todd graciously started to get up but got stuck in mid air and his leg was crossed over the other one and got stuck. The women laughing, proceeded to crawl over him to get out. Did God ever have fun with a pastor’s son. Did it change him? I don’t think so. He’s apparently still reserved, but just scarred from my meetings. Hey, I’m kidding.
MIRACLE OF GRAVITY A young man, not skeptical apparently, came for the healing of his back. I’m sure he was unaware of the “peril” which awaited. Since it was a back condition and I assumed one his legs was short, I had him be seated in a chair. I told him to extend his legs. One was short and when I prayed it came out. It would have all been so simple had the Lord then released him. But no, there was much more to come. His legs were stuck in the extended position. Nothing else was happening for about thirty minutes. Then his legs started shaking, mildly at first, but then quite violently. It got so bad that before it was over he was holding onto the sides of the chair to keep from falling off. Then after about two hours, he took one hand off the chair and the shaking stopped immediately. He said later, that while he was shaking the hardest, God said, “See, you’re stuck and you can’t do anything about it. You’re out of control and I’m in control.” Then when he turned loose and the shaking stopped, God said, “Now that you turned loose, everything’s okay.” What a lesson! Did it make a difference? You’d better believe it. He was changed. He’d been drug addicted and although I think he was temporarily off of them, there was still a big anger management problem. All of that vanished and the last I heard he was completely free. Despite what critics voice, we need miracles and the results they can bring. What if the pastor had said, we don’t want wild things such as that occurring in the House of God? The young man would still be bound. I know that pastor very well, and he welcomes whatever the Almighty chooses to do. .
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE ARE HOLY ROLLERS No kidding, it’s real? Yes, I’m afraid it is. You knew it was coming 43
didn’t you? There can’t be a book like this without at least some mention of holy rollers. “But I don’t like holy rollers.” Big deal. They’re here to stay, and they couldn’t car less whether you approve or not. So there! This is the funniest holy roller story I ever told. It really happened. A woman rolled under every pew. She would roll a few feet and then stop. She might not roll again for four or five minutes. Then she’d roll a little bit more. This continued twenty minutes or so. Three little boys had been outside and had gotten into some mischief. An usher corralled them, brought them in and sat them down. They were sitting there, not feeling pleased at all, when suddenly a body rolled past them. They screamed and then said, “A body just rolled past.” God had that body just where He wanted it. He wanted to shake up three little boys. I don’t think their mischievousness bothered Him at all. He just wanted to tease them. That’s been about twenty years ago, and as in the former case, they’re grown now with a whopper of a story to tell – the night the body rolled past. I’m sure they thought she was dead.
FORTUNE COOKIES, ANYONE? Surely not a story about fortune cookies? Why not? It’s just another one of God’s off beat manifestations. A young man was sitting next to his employer. His name was Todd. During the time of the healing line, he said to his employer, “This whole thing is a farce.” Her reply was, “Don’t say that Todd.” He retorted, “Well it is!” That was in 1985. He returned in 1986, again with his employer. This time God decided to have fun with a skeptic. He pulled Todd off the pew onto the floor and got his knee stuck. The lady employer looked at him sarcastically and said, “Get up Todd, it’s a farce you know.” With a helpless expression He said, “Oh no it’s real.” After the meeting Todd was somewhat inebriated on God’s potent “new wine.” It doesn’t come in a bottle, it doesn’t smell, it’s invisible, but it will get you smashed. The employer said to her husband, “Don’t you think you should ride Todd’s motorcycle home and I’ll take him in the pickup.” His answer was, “No, Joe said there’s never a wreck on the way home. Let him ride it.” The church was located just outside of town, so Todd had to take the highway back. God governed that motorcycle down to 35 MPH. As he’s 44
slowly cruising and wondering why he can’t get any more out of the machine, an eighteen wheeler truck is following and the frustrated trucker is beeping the air horn. Still a puzzling 35 MPH. When he finally got home, he weaved up the driveway. A neighbor came over and admonished, “Man, what are you doing riding a motorcycle in that condition.” As a typical inebriate would reply, the response was, “I’m fine.” The neighbor said, “No you’re not. Your stoned!” Then Todd went into the house to face “the music.” His wife took one look and said, “You didn’t go to church tonight.” His defense was, “Honey, yes I did.” To which she replied, “No you didn’t, you went to the Crazy Lemon.” That was a bar in town. Poor Todd, no one believes him. What a night it’s been. Plenty to mull over. He remembered that I had said my services were “Holy Ghost Parties.” With that on his mind, he decided to give it one more try. He would attend again Friday evening. At noon that day, he went to a Chinese restaurant. When he opened his fortune cookie, the message screamed at him so to speak. It said, “You may attend a party tonight where strange customs prevail.” I don’t use fortune cookies to guide my life, but that baby got the message across. Wow, and double wow. Try that one on for size. Put that one in your pipe and smoke it. Convinced? You bet he was. Todd later decided to convert to the Lord and quit labeling His works, a farce. Smart move, Todd. If you don’t believe all of this, just talk to Todd.
HAVE ANOTHER FORTUNE COOKIE Not another one. Oh yeah, one’s not enough. This time it happened to a high school student. I was ministering in a series of three weeks of meetings. A teen ager had been attending every night, going to school each day and getting his homework, too. He was very tired midway of the second week. One night he decided to stay home. It seemed like Chinese food would be good. He went to the restaurant and got some “take out” food. When he opened the fortune cookie, the admonition was clear – “Don’t stay home, you’re in for a wild adventure.” I don’t know how many messages there are in fortune cookies, but I would say it’s more than coincidence, wouldn’t you? Hey, let’s call it the “footprint of God.”
TONGUES AND THE CLASSICS How about speaking in tongues. You were afraid I’d mention that dreaded phrase “speaking in tongues,” weren’t you? Wait a minute, what are you afraid of? These words are not going to leap off the page and attack you. Just settle down. “But I don’t believe in speaking in tongues.” Well, the question is why? “Because it’s wrong.” The Bible doesn’t say that. “But my pastor said it.” Well, he’s wrong. But why argue the point, let’s go on with the story. A man was on the floor, singing in tongues. A woman about ten feet away was laughing and laughed even more as he continued. She was a classical pianist with 18 years of study and performing. She told us later, the man was singing the Marriage of Figaro, The French National Anthem and various Bach tunes. It was so unexpected and was just cracking her up. I asked the man later if he knew those compositions and he assured me he didn’t. Although not slapstick humor, nevertheless funny, miraculous and unexpected. One thing that proves is that speaking in tongues is not gibberish, but real languages. For the uninitiated, a reference in the Bible is found in the second chapter of the Acts of the Apostles, verse four.
CODE BLUE AND THE DOCTOR The same woman who laughed as the man sang in tongues had previously experienced a radical conversion to the Lord. She had been suicidal and totally delivered. It upset her husband because of probably some social concerns. His reaction included a lot of verbal abuse. He worked the emergency room at the hospital. One night they brought in a patient whose condition triggered a code blue. Despite their heroic efforts the patient expired. He summoned the relatives and informed them of their loved one. Upon hearing the news, they asked it they could go in the room and pray for the deceased man. With no clue as to what might happen, he gave his approval. Unbeknown to him, they had a contingent of other church members in an adjacent room. The group began to pray. They prayed so loud that the doctor couldn’t communicate with the nurse and he couldn’t stop the ardent believers. What happened? A miracle occurred. The dead man came to life, not just for a time, but for good. It so im46
pacted the doctor that he told his wife about it, and never persecuted her again. And an even greater thing happened, the doctor accepted Christ as his savior. Some clergymen would probably debunk a story such as this. But whereâ€™s the argument when the man is walking and talking. Heâ€™s a living miracle.
CHAPTER EIGHT FRACTURED EMOTIONS A psychiatrist helped put everything in perspective. After observing grown ups acting like kids in a service, he asked the pastor’s wife if I would have lunch with him the next week. As we sat at lunch, all he could talk about was what the master psychiatrist had done the previous Sunday. One thing he was so excited about was the fact that the adults were acting like kids. He especially was intrigued about a lady who had sucked her thumb. I can imagine one of the readers now saying, “Lord I hope that doesn’t happen to me.” Well, maybe you’d better put the book down before it happens. If it does, please write and let me know. The psychiatrist perceived that I didn’t know where he was coming from, so he explained the phenomena of the adults acting like kids. He said, “There are adults who had virtually no childhood and he added, “That’s because the parents were very irresponsible due of alcoholism or perhaps drug addition and failed as a result to properly care for the children. That caused the children to miss out on the “carefree” years of childhood, so God is letting them play.” Giving them a childhood they never had. When he said that, I was reminded of something that happened in the first part of this “journey of joy” which God had me on. Two men were on the floor on their hands and knees, then one would prop himself on one knee and one hand. After a few moments he would lose his balance and fall down. After he did this several times, the other one would crawl over and butt him down. They would laugh and then do it again. After the service, the man who kept knocking the other one down, came to me and confided, “I know that looked silly tonight but I never got to play like that when I was a child. Then God told me it was alright and you don’t know how good that felt.” That makes sense, doesn’t it? 48
Another time, a lady about twenty went over and jumped up in the lap of a woman old enough to be her mother and snuggled up to her as though she was her little girl. The older woman looked embarrassed and I started to tell the younger woman to get up, but I didn’t. Oh, I’m so glad I didn’t. After I heard the psychiatrist, what if she never had a mother’s lap to sit on? That cinched it, I knew that God was delivering the emotionally scarred. Since that’s the case, I’m going to let Him do whatever He must to get the job done. Move aside psychiatrists and all other professionals, the master psychiatrist is here! And I say that with all due respect to any professional. Thank God for medicine, but God is so much greater. You may be surprised that I’ve suddenly gotten so much more serious. I had to include this chapter, it’s my duty before the Almighty God. A couple of the stories I’m now going to share are in my companion book, “Hanging out with God.” It’s in print and you can order it from our website
ROBBED OF EMOTIONS One night a mother had her little boy present. The child had no emotions because the mother had to shoot the father in self defense. After that, the child neither laughed nor cried. The child was on the front row as I ministered and failed to respond emotionally. That’s rare for a child because of so much action and humor. I prayed for the child’s healing, but nothing outwardly happened, that is until about ten minutes before the mother took him home. At that time he started to cry and continued to do so for about four hours and then laughed for the next two hours. The emotions were back intact because the “Master” had walked in. The child had been to two psychologists with very limited results. The Holy Spirit’s miraculous work is even better. A woman in one of my meetings, laughed deep belly laughs for about two hours and then walked outside. When the pastor and I started to leave we heard extreme laughter from a van. It was the same lady slumped over the wheel. That continued all night long until 10 AM the next morning. At that time, she was in a super market still laughing and so high that she was throwing canned goods at the basket. Quite abruptly the 49
laughter stopped. The rest of the story is this. Her father had molested her many times as she was growing up. It was so bad that she just waited for the time she would reach 18 and adulthood. Then she left home and thought the problems were over. Not so. Although her father couldn’t molest her anymore, she was so psychologically damaged that she had nightmares for the next 30 years every night. But after that service in which she laughed all night, the nightmares ceased. I saw her almost ten years later and the healing was still intact. Could it be that God is playing psychiatrist without a license? Oh it’s so much more that that, He is the one and his works attest. I was the guest minister at a gathering of other ministers. I was going to share about a friend of mine’s grandbaby who was molested. As I started to share, an ex Hindu priest began to laugh loudly and then it increased much in volume. It was not a socially acceptable time to laugh. But God seems to not notice social mores. The laughter continued and became contagious, so much more that several joined in, some almost as uncontrollable as the priest. Why would that happen? I found out about two months later. The priest gave me his testimony. When he was a boy, an uncle molested him terribly for about the first 13 years of his life. He explained that it occurred in about every way imaginable. He grew up hating the uncle, and as he was coming out of Hinduism, he even asked God (if there was a God) to kill his uncle. The priest later was converted to Christianity and partially recovered emotionally. But that day at the minister’s meeting, the laughter signaled a total deliverance. The Almighty God had removed the scars and seemingly none were present any more. Another conquest of emotional dysfunction.
RAPED AND ALMOST MURDERED A woman got drunk in the Holy Spirit and acted like a fool both Sunday morning and Sunday evening. You say, “How disgusting.?” No, she had nothing of which to be ashamed. It was God’s power that caused it to happen, therefore how could she have any shame. You see, we’ve got to put it all in perspective. On Tuesday evening she came back and whispered to me, I’ve got a 50
testimony. Then she related the following. Twenty years before, she had been raped and almost murdered. Every day for the intervening twenty years, she had relived that experience to some degree or another. That’s horrible. Her husband told me later that even the mention on television of a woman who had been raped, would throw his wife into emotional distress. They had moved from Las Vegas to a very small town in Missouri to escape the violence. But that’s no guarantee even of safety. It seemingly happens everywhere. Also, her husband had slept with a loaded gun under the pillow for the whole twenty years. In the rest of the testimony, she said that on Monday after she’d been drunk in the Spirit, she knew she’d had a great release on Sunday but she couldn’t remember what it was. She asked God what it was, and He said it was the memories from the rape scene. Finally after twenty long years, she was FREE. I saw her husband about two years later and he said she had no more problems at all. Was it all right that she’d acted up in church? Yes, a thousand times, yes.
HEE HAW AND MORE It’s the story of Audrey. She became the party animal of party animals. The other parishioners were astonished at her demeanor. It was totally out of character for this normally very reserved lady. The proper decorum was gone, out of sight. One night she organized a witnessing contingent of her lady friends. They were going out at 11 PM and win the town to Jesus. I didn’t even know of their plans, otherwise I would have suggested no for four ladies by themselves. I don’t think their husbands even knew. Was it successful? I don’t know and that’s not important to this story. What’s significant is that Audrey would be that bold and a leader of such. What was very important though, was what happened that following Christmas. Audrey went to her family reunion and became a nut. What had happened in the family previously had caused Audrey’s extreme shyness. When Audrey was growing up, her Dad was an alcoholic. This continued until she was twelve, at which time her Dad turned his life over to the Lord and was set free. The home was an utter turmoil during her father’s alcoholic days. The violence was so bad that the father would at 51
times take the mother and throw her clear across the room. The fear left a terrible emotional toll on the young girl. She went into a shell emotionally and when she was about seven, two of her aunts remarked they might have to put her in an institution because of her withdrawn demeanor. Audrey overheard that and withdrew more than ever. Although there was no more violence after her Dad reformed, the past had taken it’s toll on her. Of course it carried on over into adulthood. But what a change after she was in my meetings. Now back to the family reunion. This occurred after my series of meetings. At the reunion Audrey dressed up like a character from the TV program Hee Haw and paraded around poking fun at everybody in a good natured way. It nearly blew the family away. The grandfather was so moved, that he said if that can happen to Audrey, there must be a God in Heaven after all. The two aunts who had thought of institutionalizing her, were crying and proclaiming the mental makeover. Another documentation of the awesome side of God. Although I’ve titled this book the “colorful side of God,” I could just as accurately call it “The many sides of God. What a plethora of stories that depict God’s compassion, ability to deliver, His all encompassing love and wisdom as He paints a mosaic of fractured lives made new. The picture is not complete until your thinking is changed and you determine to believe that God is so much more than a dull, boring, vindictive impersonal being. I would bet that no one who’s read this far, still honestly believes that. If they do, they conclude that I’ve lied all the way through. There are plenty of witnesses to verify the veracity of my statements. Just mark it down, these things happened, although they seem preposterous. It should be obvious that all these stories indicate much more than just some “church clowns” acting up. If that’s what you concurred initially, then perhaps you’ve had a change of thinking. Remember, I told you I was going to mess with your mind and I issued the challenge. Hey, if you’re still with me, I won!
CHAPTER NINE A FINAL CHALLENGE I have a confession to make. No, I don’t need a priest, besides I’m not Catholic. I’ve been very sneaky up until now. I’ve left out one thing that would be rare for the majority of ministers. What is it? Simply this – the name of Jesus. Why? I wanted to not let those who have an animosity and extreme mind set against Him, have any clue that I might even discuss Him. You notice that I didn’t even use His name in the chapter heading. That’s because many readers look at chapter headings before they read a book. You say, “That’s a compromise.” I’m sure any Christian would think that. No, it’s not a compromise and I’ll tell you why. I’m now going to make a strong case for Jesus. If I do that I’ve finally placed the focus on Him. That’s where the focus has to be, He’s the center of it all and indispensable to the whole plan for your life. You can’t have eternal life without Him. It’s impossible, there is no other way. Oh some will argue there is. “You can get to Heaven many ways, they say.” According to the Bible, that’s not true. So, you might say, “What I did in not presenting Him until now, is just a temporary comprise, since I’m now giving Him the proper emphasis.” He is my Lord and my savior and in my opinion, I am nothing without Him, yes, I’m referring to Jesus. Now, let’s reason. You say, “I’m not even sure He is the son of God.” The answer to that is in the Bible. “Oh, you don’t believe the Bible?” Why. “How do know it’s not true?” “You have no proof it’s not.” “Yeah, but you have no proof that it is.” “I have more proof than you.” “How so?” Not just because God says it’s true. There are several hundred prophecies from the Old Testament which have since come to pass, even some of them in modern times. Many of them prophecies of Jesus 53
coming as the Messiah. Scientists say the odds of a multitude of predictions coming to pass is infinitesimal. Were if just one fulfilled, it might be coincidental, but two the odds are less and three or four, forget it. Now that presents another argument. What if the Bible is true, how does that effect me? The Bible states there is a Heaven and a Hell. “Yeah, but I don’t believe in that.” Why not? Well, how would I know? Simply if the argument that the Bible is true because of the prophecies, then any statement it makes is true. So what are you going to do about it. Accept what the Bible says or ignore it and hope you’re right. That’s spiritual roulette! Only a stupid fool would do that. Don’t get too offended, I’m trying to save your hide, to put it bluntly. So, I’m going to proceed assuming that you will listen. Now to the nitty gritty. The Bible says that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23. And then the next verse declares that we are justified by grace through the redemption that is in Jesus. There’s redemption in Jesus. In simpler terms, it’s says that you can be saved from eternal damnation in Jesus Christ. I’m convinced most of you know by now, exactly what I mean. But it you honestly don’t know, contact someone at the church listed in the back of the book or at least contact our office by email or phone. Both as also in the back of the book. Now, for some action. Just simply pray this prayer and you will be saved! Don’t believe it? Then, take it from a pro, I know what I’m talking about. If you don’t do it now, you’re a fool. Your life is at stake. Grow up and take the bull by the horns. “That’s rough.” “So what? Time is of the essence.” You have no guarantee of tomorrow. Alright, no more argument, we’re going to pray the prayer.
THE PRAYER: Just read the words and then you’ll be converted, saved or whatever you want to call it. Heavenly Father – I come to you in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I believe it, when you say that He died for my sins and I have sinned. But now, even though, I don’t understand it all, I’m turning my life over to Jesus for Him to dictate my actions, even my lifestyle. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing, but I know I must do it. Help me in every way you will. Thank you for saving me and I will do my best to please you and Jesus, my new savior and Lord. Amen! 54
FINAL THOUGHTS Now that you’ve prayed the prayer, follow though on the brand new experience. Get in touch with the church listed in the back, the person who gave the book to you or if you can’t do any of that, contact our office. Information is on the last page. We want you to live for the Lord. Oh you can still lead a normal life, you’ll be a better citizen, the sky will seem bluer, the sun will seems brighter and that burden of sin will be gone, the weight of it off your shoulders. Take it from a pro, it’s a far better life. God bless you and I’m honored that you would read my book. Have a great life in your relationship with a colorful Lord!
Books by Joe Jordan
Excellence in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit Observations on Healing Hanging out with God The colorful side of God
Please order from our web site www.joejordanconferences.com Email firstname.lastname@example.org
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