Publisher Paul Blake firstname.lastname@example.org
December 16, 2010 VOLUME 6 Issue 17
Interview with James E. Clyburn (D-SC)
ARTS EDITOR Judit Trunkos email@example.com
News.Politics.Commentary. Letters to the reader Dear “Don’t Tread On Me” OPINION South Carolina flushes its future away News real interview with James E. Clyburn (D-SC) regional briefs Manhunt continues for Wal-Mart batteries thieves mock interview with 2012 Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin arts Bruce Nellson Touched by Cezanne Music The Last Relapse at bey’s
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colatheater.com S.M. Baleem, Garrett Kellerhals Design Lisa Corbin Music Kingsley Waring Pg. 9
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Letters To The Reader
Dear Mr. Blake:
In honor of national Buy Local Week and for the second year running, Columbia City Paper would like to encourage our readers to try to spend $100 of their holiday money at locally-owned businesses this holiday season. As most of Columbia knows, this paper has staunchly supported local business (and called out those who don’t) since our inception in 2005. Considering our average readership of around 75,000, if each City Paper reader spent $100 of his or her holiday budget at locally owned businesses, we could pump as much as $3 million back into Columbia’s economy. The average, according to one study, found that of $100 spent at a local business, $45 stays in the community. But that same $100 spent at a chain store would put only $13 in our local economy, according to the study. To encourage participation this holiday season, we’ll be giving gift certificates to shoppers who support local merchants (with proof of purchase). Please visit www. ishopcolumbia.com for more information and to take the shop local pledge for a chance to win. The contest and the buy local campaign will run through the holiday season. Happy shopping!
December 16, 2010
For several years, I have been engaged in a daily war of words with any of my fellow Columbia citizens who dare stand opposed to the honorable mission of City Paper—until your most recent issue, that is. Despite all your efforts to expose corruption in our capitol city, from our closeted gay state leaders who rub themselves in the lard of political pork to the wily Five Points Association crooks who pee green from the illicit profits of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, you have lost me permanently as a faithful admirer. Why, you might ask? Because you have sullied the good name of my favorite male sex aid! In your recent review of the Fleshlight, “How I fell in love with my night light,” Mr. Dook and Mr. Cutchins write: “Fucking comes innately, if you know what I mean. I popped in the batteries and some classic porn: ‘Peter North slams Nina Hartley.’ Several hours later, when I had advanced to ‘Big Hand, Red Butt Bulgaria, Volume XIX,’ I found myself still sweatily banging the hell out of a black flashlight with a twat for a tip.” While fucking may indeed come innately to your staff writers, and while in fact “Big Hand, Red Butt Bulgaria, Volume XIX” is a classic audiovisual stimulant for masturbation, I have a feeling neither of these writers are actually amongst the two and a half million proud who actually own and use Fleshlights. How do I know this?! Because Fleshlights don’t take batteries! I should know. I am the owner of by far the finest Fleshlight collection in the Palmetto Spandex Club. Just how deep runs my experience and expertise? I was the first patron to purchase the Eva Angelina Fleshlight model. (And Interactive Life Forms, the company which produces Fleshlight, responded immediately to my complaint that the signature texture of the Angelina model was a tad too stubbly; as compensation, they invited me to be one of only four testers of the same proto-Lupe Fuentes model. Other than the sensation of sloppy seconds, it was one of the finest masturbatory moments of my life.) At any rate, if anyone knows that Fleshlights do NOT require batteries, it is I! And for what it’s worth, the homosexual equivalent Fleshjack doesn’t take batteries, either— although I do not speak from experience regarding that particular product. (If you
publish this rant, I wouldn’t my mother to question my heterosexuality.) Further, I am agog that your writers would commit an abomination of journalistic integrity and suggest that the proud makers of the world’s most innovative sex instrument would include a feminine hygiene product in said product’s pleasure orifice. Instead of a tampon, your writers may have experienced a rod that is inserted at the factory to maintain the product’s form. That is, if they experienced anything at all! No, as surely as one can say “phthalate-free polymers,” I’m pretty damned sure your writers made that article up. Hell, I bet your rag didn’t even really interview the Haley Transition Team, either. Keep your dirty minds away from my groin! Sincerely, Fisher A. Sasstodé Dear Governor-Elect Haley and Stephen “Key a Car” Garcia, You both live in a state that is the last in everything good and the first in everything bad. So let’s not let being a local celebrity go to your head. During her recent election campaign, our future female Luv-Guv allegedly walked out of a locally owned coffee shop, assuming her cup of Joe would be comped. (That’s a reference to coffee, not Represenative Wilson.) As to USC’s quarterback, he even more boldly is alleged to have walked out on a booze tab at a locally owned bar. When confronted by a staff member of the establishment, Garcia is reported to have said, “I don’t pay.” (Funny, that’s what the Governor-Elect said about her taxes, too.) Classy! Anyway, thanks for keeping South Cackalaky the butt of every joke on MSNBC and Comedy Central! Columbia City Paper Dear GPS estimated time, You are like my pot-smoking brother who says he’ll be there in 20 minutes, which I translate to mean at least an hour or however long it takes to find a new pair of semi-stained underwear and stop off at the Paki-mart to buy a large canister of Cheetos. I do appreciate your programmed ability to say “recalculating destination” at least 30 times per minute--
this helps keep me awake on all-night road trips. But it would be nice if someone had thought to program you to refresh “time to destination” data, too. At least when my brother reaches his destination, he has some herb and snacks to share and a story about cleaning his briefs with a bottle of purple-flavored Vitamin Water. Columbia City Paper Dear Bank Of America Robotic Customer Service Labyrinth, Admit your defeat. If I just keep saying “stick a banana up your twat” long enough into the telephone, eventually I get sent to a human named LaTonya. Columbia City Paper Dear Holiday Freakout, “Hi, who is this?” “Grant.” “Grant who?” “You know, Grant.” “Grant from the seventh grade Grant?” “Yeah, you remember!” “Sure I remember. We dated briefly, until you told Kelly McFadden that you wanted to give me a boner sandwich.” “Yep, that’s me!” “Ummm, I’m in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with my husband and four year old.” “Cool. Want to have drinks some time?” Click! Columbia City Paper Dear “Don’t Tread On Me” SUV Rear Window Sticker Guy, Are you really having a tough of a time it in your Escalade? I bet you even cashed in on the “cash for clunkers” for that 12 MPG blood beast. By the way, have your taxes gone up in the last decade? Where were you during eight years of the Bush Administration when Republicans you voted for created wars based on lies? Now that a Democrat is in office, you scream from the rooftops about documentaries you don’t watch, newspapers that you don’t read, all the while ignoring the fact that those wars you supported have a price tag of over a trillion dollars. The irony is that during the Clinton Administration, you screamed “wag the dog!” when Bill Clinton bombed Al-Qaeda targets in Afghanistan. Don’t kid yourself: “Don’t tread on me” should be the new slogan for Alzheimer’s Disease. I hope you get run over by an asphalt grader. Columbia City Paper
The good fight South Carolina flushes its future away
If South Carolina is famous for anything, it is the willingness to draw a line in the sand, to tell the world “enough is enough,” to push back By Will Mordock when we feel outsiders impinging upon our sovereignty. We stood up to the Lord’s Proprietors in 1718. We put the British out in 1776 – and when they captured Charleston in 1780, we put them out again! And I don’t have to remind you what happened in 1860. We have demonstrated that we will face any foe, pay any price to defend our state’s honor. Honor means a lot to South Carolinians. But for all our pugnacity in dealing with outsiders, we have shown a sad lack of courage in dealing with our own inner demons – and there are many. Right now this state faces a budget crisis of historic proportions. It is not unreasonable to say that the way we live now and for generations to come is at stake. As we go into the third year of economic decline, the state is facing an $800 million budget shortfall. And that is on top of nearly $2 billion in budget cuts over the last two years. According to the Associated Press, the bulk of the cutting will come to those programs that aid the poor, the young, the elderly. Education? Our lawmakers are talking about cutting 10 days out of the school year in a state that already has one of the lowest performing school systems in the nation. So much for years of bold talk about making South Carolina’s schools competitive. Healthcare? The state’s Medicaid system, which provides for the poor and indigent, faces a $228 million deficit. Nourishment? The Department of Social Services has cut staff by 14 percent, even as food stamp demand is up 51 percent and demand for temporary financial assistance is up 44 percent. Environmental quality? The Department of Health and Environmental Control no longer has the manpower to adequately monitor for mercury and PCBs in public waterways. Make no mistake: the budget crisis – and the way our leaders have chosen to face it – represents a major retreat from the challenges that face our state. A retreat from education standards. A retreat from a clean
and safe environment. A retreat from the dream of adequate food and medical care for the most vulnerable. A retreat from our dreams of becoming a socially and economically developed state, competitive with other states in something other than football and baseball. This budget represents a withdrawal, a turning in upon ourselves, a shrinking of our hopes and aspirations. We are burning the bulkheads to roast our marshmallows, because without a healthy, educated population, we do not have the raw material for development. Will outside investors come here to build their factories and hire our people, as Republicans are so fond of saying? Sure, they will go anywhere with low wages and environmental standards. Just ask a Mexican or Malaysian. They will build their factories here alright. They import their skilled workers, live in gated communities, send their children to private schools, have their private security force, maybe even their private water, sewer and electric service. And they will hire us to mow their lawns and cook their meals, because we will not be qualified to do anything else. And those who are old enough may remember that things used to be different, there used to be hope, used to be talk of better schools, better jobs, better days to come. And they may remember that in the Great Recession of the early 21st century, our leaders surrendered to fear and greed. They may remember that we did not draw a line in the sand. We did not say we will stand up, we will do whatever it takes to save our state, or environment, our way of life. We did not say it was a matter of honor that we protect and educate our young, that we care for our most vulnerable. It doesn’t have to be that way, of course. Our leaders might ask us – especially the most prosperous among us – to reach a little deeper in our pockets to support the services and agencies that keep this state functioning as a modern society. But in this crisis, Gov.-elect Nikki Haley promises to do away with corporate income taxes. Of course, Republicans will argue that lower taxes stimulate growth. But in a state with some of the lowest taxes in the nation, why is our economy in the toilet? Today, with the lowest federal taxes in 60 years, why is the nation’s economy going down the crapper? And if you ask a GOPer what that whooshing noise is, he would probably tell you it’s the sound of progress and prosperity sweeping us forward. He would be wrong. firstname.lastname@example.org December 16, 2010
As I write this, on December 9, the lame duck Democratic caucus in the House rejected the plan proposed by Obama and the Republicans, and framed as a compromise. A week earlier, it seemed that current Majority Leader Hoyer, and perhaps Speaker Pelosi were going to support the extension of the Bush tax cuts. At the time, the Majority Whip, South Carolina’s James Clyburn said he would not “budge” on the issue. I had the opportunity to talk to Clyburn on the phone, the day before the Democrats announced that they would not bring the plan to the floor. I asked about Obama’s proposed compromise with the Republicans. “I was born and raised in Sumter and my father’s family comes from Liberia and my mother’s from what is now Gambia and we’ve been in SC since the 1600s. I have much more at stake than many of these people who write letters to the editor. I know what my father and mother sacrificed for this state. The proposal put forward by the President has some good parts. But parts are not good. Unless there is some modification, I will not vote for it. I will not vote for it as it currently is.” The fact that the House refused the proposal the next day, is a definitive victory for Clyburn. It is perhaps his last great maneuver as Majority Whip. But it also points the way forward and gives us an idea of what we might—or at least hope to—expect from Clyburn in his new Assistant Leader position. He explained how the new minority 6
DECEMBER 16, 2010
number three position came to be. “For the last four years I’ve been traveling around the country as Majority Whip and I’ve heard people talking about the Democrats taking certain base voters for granted and the Republicans ignoring them, especially the most needy communities. They feel as if they haven’t been listened to. So when we got into this minority position, Pelosi wanted to go back to being Minority Leader, and Hoyer wanted to be Whip and so they said, ‘Let’s let Clyburn go back to Chair,’ which is what I was before. But there is a very defined role for that position running Caucus meetings and it wouldn’t allow me to respond to all of the criticism that I’d heard. So I sat down with the Speaker and said, ‘Look: We ought to pull another chair to the table.’ And I told her what I believed [about speaking for those who feel they have been taken for granted]. “She said that, if I was Caucus Chair— which I was before—especially in the absence of earmarks, we would have a lot to do with appropriations and my special relationship with the President might help me to reach out on some of these issues, to work with him before we ever bring it to the floor for a vote.” Clyburn explained his response. “‘Yes, Madame,’ I said. ‘But I am concerned that there is an outside game that we need to be playing to address the concerns of the people.” Clyburn told me that Pelosi asked him to tell her what kind of position he would like. “I told her it would have to be Number Three. And it would have to be elected. Assistant Leader is a title already used by
the Dems. In the Senate, Dick Durbin’s title is Assistant Leader. It’s not a foreign position to the Dems. So people saying ‘Oh Clyburn made up this position’ is a bunch of poppycock. We already use it in the Senate. I’ll be using it in the House. Somebody needs to look out for the people that have been ignored or forgotten.” It is extraordinarily rare in the history of the U.S. Congress for new positions to be created. As the first Minority Assistant Leader in the House, Clyburn has the opportunity to create the traditions that could define the role for generations. He gets to set the standard. If Clyburn follows the course he just described—if the Assistant Leader is willing to buck the number 1 and 2 positions and to speak for the ignored and the forgotten— then he may create a lasting legacy. As the Democrats move to the minority position, Clyburn has the opportunity to move from the ranks of good congressmen to one of the greatest. Isn’t that what anyone who has the bizarre desire to enter congress in the first
place should hope for? To be among the greatest; to create venerable traditions; to change the legislative branch for the better? Clyburn has that opportunity and he seems to be genuinely inspired—on fire even—with the possibility. He was ready to fight—as he showed when I asked an entirely unrelated question about South Carolina’s greatest Bluesman, Drink Small (If States Rights Gist has the distinction of the worst name in South Carolina history, Drink might have the best). Drink Small wrote a jubilee sort of song about Obama’s election and he dreams of playing it at the White House. There’s an internet campaign trying to bring Drink to the White House. Small is one of Clyburn’s constituents and so I asked the Whip if he knew about Drink or the campaign. “I know Drink,” Clyburn said. “He’s great. I haven’t heard of this effort but I’d be happy to do it.” He paused. “But you better tell Drink to get the request in before this tax bill goes to a vote. I have a good relationship with the President now. Who knows what it will be like after I fight him on this?”
“I was born and raised in Sumter and my father’s family comes from Liberia and my mother’s from what is now Gambia and we’ve been in SC since the 1600s. I have much more at stake than many of these people who write letters to the editor.”
AIKEN Manhunt continues for Wal-Mart batteries thieves Aiken police continue to search for an Aiken County man and his unidentified accomplice following their alleged theft of 20 packs of batteries from an area WalMart. Patrick Weber, 33, and his as yet unidentified accomplice are accused of stuffing the batteries into their pockets and leaving the store. After security personnel were unable to detain Weber and his partner, a responding police officer turned on his blue lights and attempted to pull over Weber’s fleeing vehicle as it left the scene. Weber allegedly led the officer on a brief high-speed chase, before the officer backed off. At press time, City Paper has been unable to verify the street value of a pack of Duracell or Energizer batteries or if a black market for them actually exists. Wal-Mart reportedly gave the 20 stolen packs a retail value of around $100. CHARLESTON Kid recovering after being “jumped out” of middle school candy syndicate Mount Pleasant police were called to an area middle school after a kid reported being beaten for attempting to leave an underground candy syndicate at the school. According to the Charleston Post and Courier, the boy and three others created a “candy gang” that would acquire candy from the ringleader’s mother, sell it to other students, and then return the profits to the ringleader. When the boy told fellow gang members of his intention to leave, the gang reportedly beat him up in a school rest room Two of the assailants have been charged with lynching. Moped driver to police: I’m not
drunk, just obese According to a Mount Pleasant police report, a man who was stopped by police for driving a moped erratically said he couldn’t submit to a field sobriety test because he was a “fat (expletive).” Police reportedly pulled the moped over at around 2 a.m. after witnessing the 49-year-old driver riding in the median and swerving into oncoming lanes. After pulling the man over and determining his alleged drunkenness, the officers arrested him on charges of driving under the influence, second offense. CHARLOTTE On-duty sexual assaults catch up with police officer A former Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Officer was sentenced to two years in prison for sexually assaulting six women while on duty. Victims and others associated with the case have said the sentence is too light for the crimes. According to a report by the Charlotte Observer, Marcus Jackson, 26, could be out of jail in only a year because he’ll get credit for the 344 days spent in jail during the trial period. Jackson was fired from the CharlotteMecklenburg Police Department last year after two women reported being sexually assaulted by him during traffic stops. One of the victims, a 17-year-old girl, said Jackson told her he wouldn’t write her a traffic citation in exchange for oral sex. During the trial, Assistant District Attorney Samantha Pendergrass told the judge that Jackson’s DNA was found on the teen’s jacket hood and sleeves. One of Jackson’s victims, a 38-yearold Mexican woman, said the officer fondled her on two separate occasions. She wasn’t satisfied with the sentence, either. “I don’t feel good,” she told the Observer. “It’s not enough time for what
he did.” Charlotte Police Chief, Rodney Monroe, agreed. “Twenty years might have not been enough,” he said. FORT MILL Elderly Wal-Mart greeter accused of assaulting customer with walker TEGA CAY –A Fort Mill man told Tega Cay police that a Wal-Mart greeter assaulted him with a walker during the Black Friday shopping weekend. According to a police report, the 74-year-old greeter asked to see the customer’s receipt as he left the store. When the 67-year-old customer refused to show his receipt, citing that his purchases had already been bagged, the greeter reportedly became agitated. The greeter then allegedly shoved the man into a nearby door with a walker. After viewing video surveillance footage of the incident, police determined that the greeter used the walker to shove the shopping cart into the door, involving the customer by proxy. The greeter was not charged in the incident. GREENVILLE Area canine recovering after being trapped in burning doghouse Greenville police have arrested a man they say set fire to a doghouse after trapping a dog inside. Issac Anderson, 52, was charged with ill treatment of animals and third degree arson. Authorities said someone put a cinder block around the dog’s neck to keep it from escaping after the doghouse was set on fire. The dog, Pookie, survived the fire and is being treated for burns and other injuries at an area veterinarian’s office. Anderson remains in custody on a $5,000 bond. email@example.com
December 16, 2010
My exposure of the Haley Administration plot to bury alive all stupid South Carolinian children and secretly replace them with genius Mumbai orphans caused quite the international stir. Here’s how it all unfolded. Two days after the interview was released, WikiLeaks published several volumes of logistical material about the Slaughter-of-the-Innocents Palmetto Plot, which Superintendent of Education-Elect Zais had scrawled on a roll of toilet paper while exorcising a predawn colon turtle. Thus, my visa to Mexico has been denied. And I can probably expect similar results for my annual March whoring excursion to Hamburg. So there I was, stuck in this famously broiling hellhole with nowhere to stay, until my old pal Jesus Christ offered me a futon in his Millwood Avenue FRAG. I shouldn’t complain; I’ve eaten unlimited fish and bread loaves, plus drank copious wine, for nigh on a week. But sharing an apartment with Christ is no picnic in the park. The Messiah suffers from sleep apnea and saws serious Lazarus logs in his sleep. He’s also a potato chip double-dipper—which has forever impacted my interpretation of the Last Supper. City Paper discovered I was still in town and quickly put me on to the Sarah Palin book-signing event at the Forest Lake Books-a-Million on December 3. Palin was coming to town to wrap up a 16-city book tour of her latest puerile political publication, America by Heart. Governor-Elect Haley and Palin are of course political bosom buddies. Following my interview with the Haley Transition Team, the Palin camp didn’t exactly receive me with open arms. But I cut a deal which no Teabagger Mama could resist: 15 minutes alone with Jesus Christ in a motel room with a heart-shaped waterbed in return for an interview at the conclusion of her public event. Jesus of Millwood begrudgingly agreed to do this extra favor for me, but only if I’d do dishes and dump ashtrays for an entire week. (In case you’re curious, Christ smokes Camels.) This past Friday night, after Palin had finished signing books, I was escorted to the Books-a-Million children’s section. A hefty male bookseller sporting a Yankees cap was reading aloud to her from Amelia Bedelia, Bookworm. I was directed to sit in a little Thomas the Train chair which could barely support my overloaded caboose.
JD: Indeed. I’m sure you’re delighted Jaroslav Dampfstain: Are you a big to have singlehandedly hand-delivered political neophyte Nikki Haley the South Amelia Bedelia fan? Carolina Governor’s Mansion. Is it true Sarah Palin: Oh, yeah. Ever since I you’re both Eskimo sisters? I hear Michael quit my governor job, I’ve dedicated the end Steele is hung like a horse. of each day to serious intellectual exercise. SP: Actually, my handlers have told I had no idea there were so many phrases in American that I shouldn’t be taking literally. me I should call them Innuits. Cute little buggers. So, yeah, we’re Innuit sisters, if That Amelia! that’s what you mean. JD: Indeed. Is there a particular reason JD: Do you— you’ve been grinding it out cerebrally? SP: 2012, baby. 2012. JD: Should we take this to mean that you intend to run for President on the Republican ticket in 2012?
SP: Excuse me. Is “hung like a horse” one of those non-literal phrase thingies? Because I swear I have never lynched a horse. [whispers] I know that term doesn’t go over so well down here. I mean, I shot one once; thought it was mountain lion; I mean, I didn’t exactly shoot the horse; I shot the park ranger who was riding it; we made sure that clip got cut from our new reality show; not supposed to be shooting park rangers in a national park and all.
SP: [giggles] Oh, this grizzly mama is running, all right. [She glanced at one of her political handlers, who nodded.] But our research indicates that too many conservatives don’t like the word “party” anymore. Ya know, Lucifer likes to throw JD: Actually, “hung like a horse” a good party and all. So I’m going to run independent, baby! Like doing the Boston means—um, never mind. Clearly your Marathon without a sports bra, baby! [She mental exercises are paying off. popped the top two buttons of her blouse.] Bookseller: Ma’am, I believe he Gotta show Jesus a bit of the goods, you meant that you and Nikki Haley banged the know. chairman of the Republican Party. JD: My guess is the Maker who designed SP: Yeah, but not at the same time. that lovely bosom will be impressed to see the results. But I think he’s more of a thigh Does that mean we can’t be Innuit sisters guy, actually. Candidate Palin, are you by now? [The bookseller shook his head.] Pooh. any chance related to Michael Palin? JD: I would like your response to the SP: I think I have an estranged uncle following: Were you to become President of from Sandpoint named Michael. the United States, the population of Canada JD: Different Michael. But speaking of would likely increase by nearly 100 million Monty Python, do you have any comment on people overnight. John Cleese’s comparison of you to a wellSP: Wow, did they just discover offshore trained parrot? oil in Ottawa? SP: Not if by that comparison he means JD: Seriously, just when we all thought I’m a mama parrot. Have you ever seen a it was impossible to find someone more mama parrot defend her chicks? Grrr. dunderheaded than George W. Bush, you Books-a-Million bookseller who was come along. You do realize that you are until recently reading aloud an Amelia near to driving a spike through Jeffersonian political idealism. Bedelia book: Polly wants a President! SP: Good one! You betcha. wants a President!
SP: That’s not a compliment, is it. [The bookseller shook his head again.]
JD: Yeah, well, you’ll just have to grin and bear it. [pun intended] I still stand between you and 15 minutes of hay with the Son of God. Next question: I assume you employed a ghost writer for your book. SP: Heavens, no! Angels good!
Evil spirits bad.
JD: I can’t take this shit anymore. If I ever make it back to Hamburg, I’m never leaving. SP: Ich bin Hambürger! JD: Nice diacritic. Say, ever heard of a voiceless velar fricative? SP: No. Is that some kind of sex aid? Say, I liked that fleshlight review, by the way. Bristol and I are contemplating starting a conservative celebrity fleshlight line. Ann Coulter. Michele Bachmann. Margaret Thatcher. Why do you ask? JD: No reason. Just something I was toying with for the title of this interview. Anyway, a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Candidate Palin. Jesus is ready for you now. [Palin bears her breasts and strikes a grizzly mama pose.] SP: Take me to the Messiah! Grrr! [Later that night at the Millwood apartment, Jesus gave me a look that nearly turned me into a pillar of salt. Turns out someone sabotaged the heart-shaped waterbed at the motel. I denied having anything to do with it, and don’t think Jesus noticed my fingers were crossed behind my back. The bed sprang a leak and gave Christ some serious PTS memories of Calvary. He had to walk on several inches of water for hours, and to make matters worse, the free HBO was down most of the night. Of course, I was more interested to learn of his encounter with Candidate Palin. “Oh, her?” Jesus of Millwood shrugged. “I mentioned something about a camel squeezing through the eye of a needle, and she spent several hours playing with her knitting kit and one of my cigarettes. Turns out she doesn’t even smoke. That is one strange pussycat, Jaroslav. One strange pussycat.”] December 16, 2010 9
City Art is proud to present the new works of its long-time painter, Bruce Nellsmith. The new solo exhibition is titled “Homeland” and reflects upon Nellsmith’s favorite places, ones that feel the closest to his heart. This show reveals Nellsmith’s inspiration found while exploring Cezanne in France earlier this year. The collection of oil paintings can be seen through December 30. Nellsmith received his BFA from the University of Georgia and his MFA from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Nellsmith has been teaching art at Newberry College since 1988 and currently serves as the Art Department Chairman. He has been selected for a number of exhibitions around the Southeast and his work is included in many private, state, and public collections all over South Carolina and the South. “Homeland” is a complex multilayered exhibition at City Art, sharing the deep impact of the artist’s latest trip to France. The word “Homeland” can be interpreted in many ways, especially in today’s highly politicized post 9/11 world, but City Art’s current exhibition strictly focuses on what it means to Nellsmith. Visiting the gallery, the art lovers will find that “Homeland” is not just comprised of works detailing a single city the artist lived in. Instead, it is a combination of many places, cities and mountains which create the sensation of “Homeland” for Nellsmith. In his world, there are no geographic or political boundaries; “Homeland” is simply what feels like it is to him. “Homeland” is the combination of cities such as Atlanta, New York, Paris, and Columbia together with hills, mountains and cliffs in France as well as in the United States. “What joins them in my mind is emotional, psychological, and experiential. These motifs represent significant places in my past, my present, and most probably my future.” Says Nellsmith about the multiple locations represented in the show. In describing his method Nellsmith notes that “Simply put, my message depends upon the manipulation of paint and the responses that process invoke in me. I find my way into a painting and, as DeKooning put it, I then have to paint my way back December 16, 2010 10
out, even though I feel as if I am never fully released.” Just like most artists constantly looking for inspiration and the true art and beauty, Nellsmith spent a few weeks traveling in France and Provence following Cezanne’s life and works. Walking on the streets of Paris, which was the homeland of the impressionism and the world capital of 19th Century art, Nellsmith not only found deep connections to the city but also to the sensation of Homeland and to his own roots. The artist’s family can be traced back to France and this last visit woke up this lost connection inside Nellsmith. He explained the feeling as follows: “I felt at home in Paris, more so than any city that I have experienced-like I was made for it or was made out of it. Drawing in the Bibemus Quarry on the outskirts of Aix en Provence had a mysterious effect on me. Granted, I was there because I was on a sort of pilgrimage to the places that Cezanne had painted, but as I walked among the ochre limestone cliffs that Cezanne had painted more than one hundred years ago, it had a distinct feeling of familiarity to it, as if I already knew it or had experienced it prior. When I returned to my studio on Edisto Beach, I exploded into a series of paintings based on the quarry, like they had been in me all along and it wasn’t an obsessive drive but a compelling love for the quarry. The mystery for me was why should I love it so. I can’t say exactly. Perhaps most of all was its beauty. The stones are the colors of all flesh of all peoples.” Nellsmith’s new-found connection to France melted with his Southern roots. In his painting titled “La Vierge Marie en Paris” visitors can discover the newly revealed connections between Paris and the United States, the familiar tones he uses in depicting the streets of Paris have the same familiar tone as paintings of cities in the United States. Similar to his previous work, Nellsmith’s style in this exhibit is not strictly impressionist, postimpressionist or abstract but a combination of all. Cityscapes that start as Monet-like quick snapshots of streets often become more abstract canvases, where the selected location is not always recognizable. firstname.lastname@example.org
By Dorie Hook During the Great Recession, many of us cannot afford to shell out $45 bucks for a Fleshlight at Nancy’s Nook—or $10 for a private massager at CVS. (Heck, when I went to Walgreen’s to get my $25 flu shot, I couldn’t even get the nurse to throw in a free prostate exam with one of those large candy canes I found in a bin at the register.) So for those of us who don’t fall into the upper echelons of the Bush-era tax cuts, here are some everyday household items that can help stimulate more than just the economy. [Editor’s warning: We removed an entry from this article that suggested the reader stick his or her genitalia in the toaster. Thus, we cannot be assured that all of these suggestions are in fact not hazardous to your health. Apologies to our intern Matt.] Let’s begin our titillating tour in “el bano”. Oddly, the room that is most often used as a masturbatory haven is often overlooked for its autoerotic instrument possibilities. For instance, your spouse’s fragrant bath candles aren’t necessarily the innocent aromatherapy tapirs they appear to be. They can also be used as sinister, scintillating stimulants. A few drops of hot wax placed beginning at your navel and progressively headed toward your upper pubes will incite your stroke rate madly, thus proving that, indeed, one’s right and left hand should never know what they other is up to. (However, avoid the potpourri basket at all costs! The last thing you want is for your junk to come off smelling like Pacific Northwest conifer. And there is nothing worse than trying to pick acorn caps out of your glans--especially if you’re uncircumcised.) Have you ever taken a second look at little Billy’s electric Spiderman toothbrush? Well, don’t! Before you spin your own sticky Spidey vibratory web, swab the brush and run a germ culture for about a week. Talk about the Green Goblin! Unless you want to spend the rest of your days rubbing little Elvis with a bleach-soaked Brillo pad, I advise you turn your sex-aid attention to
elsewhere on the sink. Think twice before throwing away your roommate’s hair bands which she leaves on the mildewed sink counter every morning. Hair bands make cost-effective cockrings, and, moreover, generally come with a few of your roommate’s hairs already wrapped inside them to incite your fantasy further. Even better, next time you see her wearing her orange bands at the tip of her French braid, you can think to yourself, “Yeah, I’ve been there.” As to use, secure the hair band at the bottom of your organic bottle rocket. Tease upwards, like sands through the hourglass, “as these are the veins in our thighs.” It is at the discretion of the user whether or not to wrap the crown jewels, too. Feel free to experiment with different tensions, as if your bollocks were on their third tour in Afghanistan and contemplating a stint in Iraq with Blackwater. Try placing one band on just the gonads, or execute a figure eight, trapping your sack like a bulldog caught in a car door. Okay, on to bigger and better. Look up, Dick. Up, up, up. Like an enigmatic philosopher, I beg you “consider the shower ring.” A close look may reveal one or two rings missing due to those who underestimated their own girth, thus cracking the oval like a dolphin’s nose in a six-pack. Carefully strap one of these bull nose rings on, but don’t panic if, when you don this magic plastic ring on your one-eyed yogurt chucker, you suddenly turn invisible and start wandering the crawl space of your home muttering, “My Precious.” Now that your Frankenfuter is trapped in a Chinese plastic penis puzzle, look around and find a bar of Dove soap and grandma’s ivory hairbrush. Yes, the one with the soft bristles. [Editor’s note: Do not use grandpa’s wire brush! Again, our intern, Matt.] We shouldn’t have to explain too much here, other than to say soap is a natural lubricant and the backside of an ivory hairbrush just might be the prostatetickling temptation you’ve been missing ever since your parents withdrew you from the Boy Scouts without your knowing why.
Finally, we’ve all read the occasional headline about the “that guy” who ended up in the emergency room with a Hoover attachment stuck to his purple pork sword. Here’s a twist on that old onanistic standby that will help you avoid the emergency room: Take a paper towel roll—not empty, brand new. (I use Brawny, because the packaging is a wee on the homoerotic side. However, I would NOT recommend using Charmin, because the baby on the package leaves you feeling self-conscious; moreover, it’s toilet paper, so the roll is shorter. Both of these factors generally lead to E.D.) Anywhoo, simply stick your Twinkie in one end and then stick the vacuum attachment to the other end. Voila! A cocksure suction session which won’t cost you a dime of health care co-pay! Oh, I almost forgot. For the female reader seeking cheap sex aid advice that you won’t find in Good Housekeeping, I recommend you fill up the tub, grab the aforementioned Spiderman toothbrush, get your motor running like Danika Patrick at a vibrator party, then crawl forward toward the spigot and form your legs into a peace sign “V” positioned directly under the dripping tap and allow your clit to succumb to Chinese water torture until you ‘AbuGhraib’ the side of the tub and your toes curl in on themselves and fall like Building Number Seven. While you scream in orgasmic ecstasy, add a couple of decibels while realizing that all of this pleasure came with a zero price tag. It was all just two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen. Next issue, I’ll discuss “that guy” who squeezed half a pet store into a Coke bottle and stuck it up his mangina--plus the fine difference between Pepsi, Coke and Virgin Cola products. I’ll also review which pet stores don’t check the sex offender website upon your purchase of small rodents and reptiles. And, as always, boys and girls, just remember...the expression busting a nut didn’t just come from patrons at Cromer’s Party Store. email@example.com
December 16, 2010
Friday December 17 The House Five Points Cletus Baltimore w/ Pinna New Brookland Tavern Wretched Your Chance To Die Diavolo Diary Of The Dead Divulgence Utopia Dirty Lowdown Acoustic The White Mule Playing For the Cure with Charles Riley, Nikki Lee, David Reed, and More Saturday December 18 Art Bar The Bare Knuckle Champions, Whiskey Tango Revue, Tom Hall & The Plowboys The House Five Points Isabelle’s Gift w Death Valley Driver & Face Down
New Brookland Tavern Deepfield Obraskai Decadence Utopia Total Denial The White Mule Randell Bramblett (early show) 10th Annual Southeast tour w/ Clay Ross (late show) Sunday December 19 New Brookland Tavern In Regret The Running List Slam Hivemind Do your Worst Monday December 20 The House Five Points The Young Maths New Brookland Tavern Acoustic Open Mic
New Brookland Tavern SunDried Vibes Deleveled Tyler Boone The Awake Wednesday December 22 The House Five Points Timshel, Aloud, The Noise New Brookland Tavern NBT’s Christmas Party $20 Cover / Open Bar Utopia Big Dixie Thursday December 23 New Brookland Tavern Soma Akronim No Exit Utopia Open Mic Night w Keith Bates Wednesday December 29
Utopia Open Mic Night w Brett Mello Friday December 31 The House Five Points Villanova New Brookland Tavern NBT’s New Years Cover Show w/:Tell All Your Friends as Taking Back Sunday The White Mule John Wesley Satterfield w/ The Casual Kings Sunday January 2 Bill’s Music Shop & Pickin’ Parlor Ralph Stanley & The Clinch Mountain Boys Saturday January 8 Art Bar Forces of a Street, Bradley David & The Getaway, Funky Junky Band
The Last Relapse is a band hailing from Atlanta, GA. They are in the midst of a Southeastern tour and making a stop in Columbia. They are an indie rock with an etheral, dream pop sound....I dunno maybe if Modest Mouse smoked a bunch of opium it would sound similar? Bands also playing at Bey’s that night will be Pan, Immundo, and Holy
Tuesday December 21
Mountain. Pan is a post-rock instrumental band from Columbia...if you are a fan of Pelican (which is more post-metal meets post-rock band) then you should dig Pan. Should be a good show, you’re getting money’s worth with 4 bands, and it’s a venue you might not have been to before! music@ columbiacitypaper.com
N.Y.E. Road Trip New Years 12/31/10 :: Friday Of Montreal 40 Watt Club Athens, GA The Highballs Melting Point Athens, GA The Glitch Mob Dubconscious New Earth Music Hall Athens, The Hypsys Rye Bar Athens, Bloodkin The Georgia Bar Athens, GA Charlie Wilson Chrisette Michele Atlanta Civic Center Atlanta, GA Coolio Soul Asylum Hyatt Regency Atlanta, GA Zac Brown Band The Wood Brothers Casey Driessen Philips Arena Atlanta, GA
December 16, 2010
The Constellations Smith’s Olde Bar Atlanta, GA Gentleman Jesse and His Men Gringo Star Noot d’Noot The Earl Atlanta, ANA SIA The
Masquerade Atlanta, GA Bassnectar ANA SIA Paper Diamond The Tabernacle Atlanta, GA Perpetual Groove Variety Playhouse Atlanta, GA Holman Autry Band Club Chrome Bogart, GA Dirt Good Ol Days Cumming, GA Michelle Malone Crimson Moon Cafe Dahlonega, GA Matthew Perryman Jones Eddie’s Attic Decatur, Jason Michael Carroll Duluth Amphitheatre Duluth, GA Jake Owen Wild Bill’s Duluth GA Col. Bruce Hampton The Hummingbird Macon, GA Josh Roberts and the Hinges Buffington’s Milledgeville, GA (look for Gullard) Ophir Drive Walk The Line Swainsboro, GA
The Train Wrecks Tybee Island Social Club Tybee Island, GA The Avett Brothers The David Mayfield Parade Asheville Civic Center Asheville, NC Reigning Sound Grey Eagle Asheville, NC Clutch Righteous Fool Orange Peel Asheville, NC Porch Dog Revival Canyons Blowing Rock, NC Simplified Amos’ Southend Charlotte, NC Keller Williams Larry Keel Neighborhood Theatre Charlotte, NC Wicked Jones Saint Diablo Rock University Charlotte, NC Concrete Jumpsuit The Philosopher’s Stone Charlotte, NC Big Daddy Love Broad Street Cafe Durham, NC
Toubab Krewe Jonathan Scales (Jon Scales Fourchestra) The Blind Tiger Greensboro, NC Greensboro Symphony Westover Church Greensboro, NC Sol Kernersville NYE Bash Kernersville, NC Near Gravity D’McGeary’s King, NC Yesterday’s Gravy Electric Soul Pandemic Duk Tan The Bathtub Gin Mooresville, NC Yarn Possum Jenkins Berkeley Cafe Raleigh, NC Donna The Buffalo Holy Ghost Tent Revival First Night Raleigh Raleigh, NC Danny Paisley & the Southern Grass First Presbyterian Church Raleigh, NC North Carolina Symphony Meymandi Concert Hall Raleigh,
The Mantras The Pour House Music Hall Raleigh, Lowtech Army Headway The Calico Room Wilmington, NC THE EMBERS Winston-Salem Entertainment Sports Complex WinstonSalem, NC The Blue Dogs Charleston Crystal Ball/Marriott Hotel Charleston, SC The New Mastersounds The Music Farm Charleston, SC Sol Driven Train Dangermuffin James Justin & Co. The Pour House Charleston, SC BarlowGirl Beach Church Myrtle Beach, SC Corey Smith American Aquarium House of Blues N. Myrtle Beach Gaslight Street Fiery Ron’s Home Team BBQ Sullivan’s Island, Skillet Gatlinburg Convention Center Gatlinburg, TN
David Banner & 9th Wonder- Death Peace and blessings. Hope you have been good out there. Congrats to Kanye of a Popstar Nas- The Lost Tapes Vol.2 West & Nicki Minaj for truly kicking off Nipsey Hussle- South Central State the holiday music shopping season; hope you are ready to listen because your IPod of Mind Messy Marv- All Gas No Breaks OST playlist really needs help. Time has been 9th Wonder- 9th’s Opus: It’s A breezing by; 2010 is almost coming to a close, but the music keeps rolling on. Here Wonderful World Music Group Volume 1 Sunspot Jonz- Galaxy Of Dreams is a list of a few treats to fill your stockings Rye Rye- Go! Pop! Bang! this holiday season. Let’s get it. Ryu Black- Perfect Heaven: The Ryu Black Musical HOLIDAY SEASON TREAT LIST The Jacka- Flight Risk Redman- Reggie Turf Talk- Turk Sinatra Remedy -It All Comes Down To This Yo Gotti- Live From The Kitchen [Digital Release] N*E*R*D- The Best Of N*E*R*D Mr. Brady- Labor Of Love [Physical Ras Kass & DJ RhettmaticRelease] Madlib- Medicine Show No. 11: Low A.D.I.D.A.S. (All Day I Dream About Spittin) [Physical R Budget High Fi Music Big Hutch- Only God Can Judge Me Large The Professor & Neek The Andre Nickatina & The Jacka- My Exotic- Exotic Species Middle Name Is Crime DJ Premier- Get Used To Us Keak Da Sneak, P.S.D. Tha Drivah & Bow Wow- Who Is Shad Moss? Sheek Louch- Donny G: Don Gorilla Messy Marv- Da Bidness Pt. 2 Cam’ron & The U.N. - Gunz N’ Butta T.I. - No Mercy Slaughterhouse- Slaughterhouse: The Lil Keke- Standing Ovation EP The Jacka- Flight Risk Corinne Bailey Rae- The Love EP Pleasure P- Suppertime Hell Rell & J.R. Writer- Gun Clap Diddy- Last Train To Paris Layzie Bone- Thug Luv Lone Ninja- Fatal Peril Sam Sneed- Street Scholars Ghostface Killah- The Apollo Kids Talib Kweli- Gutter Rainbows [Digital Deacon The Villain & Sheisty KhristNiggaz With Latitude (N.W.L.) [Physical Release] Release] WORDS OF WISDOM Tank- Now Or Never Drake- Thank Me Later [Deluxe Enjoy all the time you are given!!! Edition] Ciara- Basic Instinct DJ KINGPIN-Villain of Vinyl (kingpDru Down- Chronicles Of A Pimp firstname.lastname@example.org) Jamie Foxx- Best Night Of My Life Brand Nubian- Enter The Dubstep Volume 2
Movie times listed are for the weekend of December 17, please confirm with theater.
AMC Dutch Square 14 800 Bush River Rd., Columbia, SC 29210
Regal Columbia Cinema 7 3400 Forest Drive Suite 3000, Columbia, SC 29204 The Fighter new! (R) 1:45 4:30 7:15 9:55 Tron: Legacy new! (PG, No Passes) 2:00 4:45 7:30 10:15 Tron: Legacy 3D new! (PG, No Passes) 1:30 2:30 4:15 5:15 7:00 8:00 9:45 10:45 The Tourist new! (PG-13) 1:40 4:10 7:10 9:40 Burlesque (PG-13) DP (Digital Projection) 1:50 4:40 7:20 10:00 Love and Other Drugs (R) 2:10 5:00 7:40 10:20
Regal Columbiana Grande Stadium 14 1250 Bower Pkwy, Columbia, SC 29212
Carmike Wynnsong 10 5320 Forest Drive, Columbia, SC 29206 How Do You Know new! (PG-13) 12:45 1:30 3:25 4:15 6:15 7:10 9:20 9:50 Yogi Bear new! (PG) 12:45 2:55 5:05 7:15 9:30 Yogi Bear 3D new! (PG) Digital 3D 12:30 2:40 4:50 7:00 9:15 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader 3D new! (PG) Digital 3D 1:30 4:15 7:00 9:45 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader new! (PG) 1:00 3:45 6:30 9:15 Black Swan (R) 1:30 4:15 7:05 9:50 Tangled (PG) 1:00 3:30 6:20 9:05 Tangled 3D (PG) Digital 3D 1:15 3:45 6:40 9:20 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (PG-13) 1:30 5:30 9:00
How Do You Know new! (PG-13) 11:00am 1:50 4:40 7:30 10:25 Yogi Bear new! (PG, No Passes) 11:40am 1:40 3:40 5:40 7:40 9:45 Yogi Bear 3D new! (PG, No Passes) 11:10am 1:10 3:10 5:10 7:10 9:15 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader 3D new! (PG) 11:15am 1:50 4:25 7:15 9:50 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader new! (PG) 11:45am 1:20 2:20 3:55 4:55 6:45 7:45 9:20 10:20 Black Swan (R) 11:30am 2:10 4:50 7:20 10:00 Tangled (PG) 11:20am 1:35 4:05 6:30 8:50 Tangled 3D (PG) 11:50am 2:05 4:35 7:00 9:25 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (PG-13) 12:15 3:45 6:50 9:55 The Next Three Days (PG-13) 1:15 4:10 7:05 10:05 Unstoppable (PG-13) 12:30 2:55 5:20 7:35 10:15 Fair Game (PG-13) 12:00 2:30 5:05 7:50 10:30 Megamind (PG) 12:10 2:35 5:00 7:25 9:40
(PG) 12:30 3:30 6:30 9:30 Tron: Legacy 3D new! (PG) Digital 3D 11:45am 1:00 2:35 4:00 5:25 7:00 8:15 9:50 11:00 The Tourist new! (PG-13) 12:15 1:30 2:45 4:30 5:40 7:10 8:30 9:45 Burlesque (PG-13) 12:45 3:50 6:40 9:35 Faster (R) 1:05 4:05 6:40 9:15 Love and Other Drugs (R) 1:25 4:10 6:55 9:40 Due Date (R) 1:10 3:45 6:45 9:35 For Colored Girls (R) 1:20 5:00 8:45 Paranormal Activity 2 (R) 1:35 4:35 7:25 9:55 You Again (PG) 1:40 4:20 6:50 9:25 Regal Sandhill Stadium 16 450 Town Center Place The Fighter new! (R) 11:30am 2:10 4:50 7:40 10:20 How Do You Know new! (PG-13) 1:15 4:15 7:20 10:10 Tron: Legacy new! (PG) 1:30 4:30 7:30 10:30 Tron: Legacy 3D new! (PG) 1:00 4:00 7:00 10:00 Yogi Bear new! (PG) 12:30 2:45 5:10 7:45 10:00 Yogi Bear 3D new! (PG) 12:00 2:15 4:40 7:15 9:30 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader 3D new! (PG)
12:00 2:30 5:05 7:35 10:10 The Chronicles of Carmike 14 Narnia: The Voyage 122 Afton Court, of the Dawn Treader Columbia, SC 29212 new! (PG) 11:30am 2:00 4:35 The Fighter new! (R) 7:05 9:40 12:00 1:15 3:00 4:15 The Tourist new! 6:15 7:15 9:00 10:00 (PG-13) Tron: Legacy new! 11:45am 12:15 2:15
2:45 4:45 5:15 7:25 7:55 9:55 10:25 Black Swan (R) 11:35am 2:05 4:35 7:10 9:50 Burlesque (PG-13) 6:55 9:45 Tangled (PG) 11:50am 2:20 4:45 7:15 9:35 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (PG-13) 3:40 6:50 10:05 Open Captioned & Descriptive Audio 12:25pm Unstoppable (PG-13) 12:10 2:40 5:00 7:50 10:15 Due Date (R) 12:20 2:50 5:20 8:00 10:25 Megamind (PG) 11:40am 2:05 4:25 Nickelodeon http://www. nickelodeon.org/ 937 Main Street THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET’S NEST December 17-30, Friday-Thursday Friday, Dec. 17 2:00, 5:15, 8:30 and 11:30pm Saturday, Dec. 18 2:00, 5:15 and 8:30 Sunday, Dec. 19 2:00, 5:15 and 8:30 Monday, Dec. 20 5:15 and 8:30 Tuesday, Dec. 21 5:15 and 8:30 Wednesday, Dec. 22 - 2:00, 5:15 and 8:30 Thursday, Dec. 23 5:15 and 8:30 Friday, Dec. 24 - 2:00 only Sunday, Dec. 26 2:00, 5:15 and 8:30 Monday, Dec. 27 5:15 and 8:30 Tuesday, Dec. 28 7:00 only Wednesday, Dec. 29 7:00 only Thursday, Dec. 30 7:00 only
St. Andrews Cinema 5 527 St Andrews Road Columbia, SC 29210 (803) 7727469 Please call December 16, 2010 13
SavageLove Sex Advice by Dan Savage
I am a woman in a relatively new relationship. Prior to this guy, I had a deep disgust for anything anal-related. After some dedicated work and anilingus on his part, he’s helped me overcome my fears of the “grossness” of the area and made me an enthusiastic convert—as a recipient. He has expressed an interest in me reciprocating in butt play and rimming. I know it’s a sensitive area for him and would bring him a lot of pleasure—but no matter how much he cleans the area, I’m having trouble getting over two issues. 1. I’m submissive and prefer my partners to be dominant. Butt play on him would ruin his “dominant” role for me. However, that problem is minor compared to... 2. He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I’m going down on him, I deal, as it isn’t too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area—which is pretty darn huge, hairy, and flabby—would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body. I feel horrible about this. Removing the hair would not be enough to give his butt a shape and remove the extra mass that’s trapping and producing the odors. I feel it’s too horrible to tell him, “I would probably do it if you dropped 50 pounds.” It’s also not fair, as he’s an enthusiastic anal giver (though if not giving means never receiving, I’m willing to go without). How do I get over this, Dan? Aside from this issue, our sex life is fantastic. I truly am attracted to him, just not his butt. I want to be GGG, but this is really pushing my limits. Can’t Go There I don’t know how you get over it, CGT—hell, I don’t think I’ll ever get over just reading your letter. I recognize, of course, that anal pleasure, however it’s administered, isn’t just for butts on the men’s Australian Olympic diving team. Butts come in all different sizes, shapes, and flavors, and not every butt looks as good in a Speedo or— presumably—tastes as good out of a Speedo as, say, Matthew Mitcham’s butt does. And, hey, reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. But there are times when there’s just no getting over something and a face-saving white lie is in order. Tell him that, as much as you appreciate his efforts to open you up—figuratively and literally— to being on the receiving end of butt play, you don’t think you’ll ever get over your hang-up about being on the giving end. He doesn’t need to know that you might feel differently if Matthew Mitcham had asked you to eat his tiny, tight, and thoroughly chlorinated little butt, CGT, so feel free to leave that bit out. End by telling him that you’ll understand if he no longer wishes to indulge you in the butt play that, thanks to his efforts, you’ve come to enjoy so much.
I’m a straight 22-year-old male. I have a skinpicking fetish. I get off on picking scabs and patches of dry skin. I also have seborrhoeic dermatitis, a condition that causes flaky white patches of dry skin to grow on my scalp. I pick all the scales off my scalp daily. I masturbate afterward and have had some of the best orgasms of my life this way. My problem: Every girlfriend I’ve ever opened up to about this has been grossed out. None of my girlfriends have been willing to indulge my fetish, even after I’ve been willing to indulge their kinks. They tell me it is unclean or dangerous. Even paid escorts have refused to pick my scalp for me. A
December 16, 2010
woman picking my scalp while I jerk off is my biggest fantasy. Surely there must be a scab-picking girl out there for me. How do I find her? Scab Kinkster In Need It’s going to be that kind of column—the kind you don’t write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who’s reading this over lunch.) Your fetish—which, according to the interwebs, goes by the name “phaneromania”—is a blessedly uncommon fetish, SKIN, as well as a pretty high bar to clear. Picking the scabs off someone’s scalp while he beats off isn’t something that even the most open-minded, sexually adventurous partner would regard as a GGG-related responsibility. Don’t lose hope, SKIN. While there are always more men into a given fetish than there are women, fetishes that involve medical and/or physical maladies tend to tap women at slightly higher rates than other fetishes. It’s the caregiver/nurturer thing taken to a sixy extreme (sick + sexy = sixy). Keep putting yourself out there, keep being open with the women you date about your ultimate turn-on, and you may hit the sixy jackoffpot. Your only other hope is enough: You’ll have to meet a woman who loves you enough to do this for you or you’ll have to pay a woman enough to do this for you. I’m a 34-year-old openly gay white-collar professional man in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend of nine years. I’ve been getting fucked on the side for the past two years by a 30-year-old closeted bisexual total-top white blue-collar steelworker. Although we have very different backgrounds, we both have a great time when his eight-inch cock is in me. He texts me when he’s horny, I show up, I blow him, he pounds my brains out and ejaculates, and I leave (all safely, of course). Maybe a little chitchat after. He seems like a nice guy, and it’s a NSA attachment that works well. The issue: I’m afraid he may be a white supremacist. While he has never said anything to me, he has numerous tattoos, including the infamous “88” tattoo (which usually refers to “Heil Hitler,” with H being the eighth letter of the alphabet). Additionally, I’ve seen some paramilitary-type stuff around his place. He’s never said anything bigoted about minorities, and we’ve never discussed it. He obviously has no problem with gay guys—he knows I’m open and out—and I don’t think he’s planning for RAHOWA, but I’m wondering about the tattoos and am afraid to ask. Do I have to give up his eight-inch blue-collar cock and our no-strings slam sessions because he may hold ideas I find offensive? Worried Over Racist Dick Color me intolerant, but I don’t think a member of one oppressed minority group—that would be you, WORD—should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups. Which means you will have to give up those hot slam sessions—but only if this dude is a racist and/or anti-Semitic piece of shit. Doesn’t that 88 tattoo prove that he’s a POS? Not necessarily. It only proves that he was a POS at the time he got the tattoo. Hatred can fade and people can become more tolerant, but tattoos are forever. He may be ashamed of that tattoo and planning to get it inked over—but you won’t know until you ask. And you should ask, WORD, and if turns out he’s still a racist and/or anti-Semitic POS, you shouldn’t see him anymore. email@example.com
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS “Crunchy on the Outside”--fry that sucker!
by Matt Jones Across 1 Greased up 6 180 degrees from NNE 9 Whip it, whip it real good 13 It follows diciembre 14 “Yeah, I bet you do...” laugh 15 Lotion additive 16 Aspire toward 17 “Light bulb” moment 19 Pattern studied by Dexter Morgan 21 “Iron Man 2” director Jon 22 Extra-wide shoe size 23 Air quality watchdogs: abbr. 26 Have ___ for (require) 27 It’s tested with a toe 30 Name a price 31 Late Sex Pistol Vicious 32 Fill full of bubbles 33 Air transport for Bruce Wayne’s alter ego 36 Center of the Turkish government 39 Where riders may stand 40 Sine’s reciprocal, in trig: abbr. 43 All organisms in one area, collectively 45 Winter coat 47 36-down rival 48 Stephen of “The Crying Game” 49 Some time ago 51 Like fish for fish & chips -- or this puzzle’s four theme entries 53 Show with dilithium crystals 56 Experts 57 Drug unit 58 Before, to poets
59 “The Bottle Let Me Down” singer Haggard 60 From the beginning 61 Double curve 62 Fall flower
Down 1 Female NASCAR racer/eco-activist ___ Munter 2 Stoic 3 Word between “never” and “seen” 4 Ate away 5 Backs, in anatomical terms 6 Stadium replaced by Citi Field in 2009 7 Sevensome 8 The good guys wear them in westerns 9 Bert who played The Cowardly Lion 10 Pie ___ mode 11 Archie Arnett, to Amy Poehler 12 “Over here!” 16 Patsy and Edina’s Britcom, to fans 18 Herman with a Broadway show 20 ___ bone (pelvis component) 23 Vowel in Greece 24 Iguana or chihuahua 25 “All your base ___ belong to us” 28 Acrobat Reader maker 29 Abbr. at the top of sheet music 31 Black Hills Spruce, e.g. 33 Emeril noise 34 Noah’s mountain 35 Less contaminated 36 47-across rival
37 Pen point 38 Boxing stats 40 Harm, as an economy 41 Buzzing pest that sucks 42 Dealmakers? 44 Breakfast skillet ingredients 45 Lion gangs 46 Tijuana Brass bandleader Herb 50 Edward James Olmos’s “Battlestar Galactica” role 51 It may get waxed 52 Manages, with “out” 53 Toots & the Maytals genre 54 The only three-letter element 55 IPA part © 2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords (firstname.lastname@example.org) ls Spruce, e.g. 33 Emeril noise 34 Noah’s mountain 35 Less contaminated 36 47-across rival 37 Pen point 38 Boxing stats 40 Harm, as an economy 41 Buzzing pest that sucks 42 Dealmakers? 44 Breakfast skillet ingredients 45 Lion gangs 46 Tijuana Brass bandleader Herb 50 Edward James Olmos’s “Battlestar Galactica” role 51 It may get waxed 52 Manages, with “out” 53 Toots & the Maytals genre 54 The only t
December 16, 2010