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T he C oast News
April 11, 2014
Motherhoodwill always have its mysteries Right in the middle of dumping a pound of sand out of my son’s sneaker, I stopped and thought to myself what a strange undertaking this was. It wasn’t that he had sand in his shoe. I had to get out a blunt instrument, pry out the sole of the toe area and knock, scrape and coax the leavings of half a dozen playgrounds into my sink. It builds up in his shoe until he can no longer get his foot into it. This was an exercise I
small talk jean gillette simply never expected to be engaged in during this lifetime. A quick survey around the neighborhood revealed that every mom has one or two things she had found
herself doing that seems astounding even to the woman who has cleaned up every possible bodily discharge, washed out every possible kind of stain and let her child keep things he found under rocks. Below are a few examples of things that did not occur to us, even at the height of labor hallucinations. These are things we never, ever dreamed we would do, or would want to do, and which none of the books on
mothering every mentioned. 1. Throw away a new $15 tube of mascara because the neighbor child came down with conjunctivitis the day after she used it to play dress up. 2. Floss teeth so tiny that the food pieces you extract are almost as large as the teeth. 3. Pick all the yellow candy out of the bag because no kid wants that color. 4. Nearly smack the UPS deliveryman, who remarked how nice it must be to “just hang around home in your bathrobe on this rainy day” after the children who have been stuck
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indoors with you for three days threw up all night. 5. Be tempted to vacuum twice in the same day. Actually believing 6. that a kiss will make a booboo better. 7. Spend $50 on 6 inches of leather and 2 inches of rubber made into a pair of children’s shoes. 8. Go to the bathroom with a toddler in your lap. 9. Leap out of the shower and run all the way downstairs dripping wet with your hair full of cream rinse, because you thought you heard your toddler scream and she didn’t answer when you called her. 10. Have a shouting match at the park with a full team of middle-aged basketball players who won’t stop shouting the “F” word every time they miss the basket.
11. Shout at, and physically chase down the street, cars that are driven past your house above the speed limit. 12. Be just a tad hurt when your children actually request that you go out so their favorite babysitter can come over. 13. Burst into tears and nearly desert your family because you got dressed, grabbed your enormous list of errands and then spent 1 ½ hours searching for your car keys, which your toddler had gleefully hidden – again. Motherhood. It’s not just a job… Jean Gillette is a writer, editor and occasionally baffled mother living in North County. You can contact her at jgillette@coastnewsgroup.com.
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