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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

the SHALLOT

HIGHLIGHTS

We Must Derive Justice PAGE 3

Keyon Vafa (II) Not on Facebook PAGE 8

Uncensored: MA Field Hockey Locker Room PAGE 11

INSIDE NEWS Gotcha Goes Deadly

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Leaked ISL Cables

THE ACADEMY’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE

Why We Are Here Chaplain DeBuhr Leads Secretive The Shallot Manifesto World Religion Summit THE SHALLOT OFFICE − Groundbreaking stories have stolen the spotlight. Chelsea Mehra’s (I) Investing in Girls and Charlotte Reed’s (I) Princeton prize have crowded milton.edu, relegating lesser news. The actions of a talented few have prevented the exposure of the untalented. Events such as, the lower school on hamster wheels, the nude scene in the Class IV play, or the real scoop on the MA Field Hockey (MAFH) locker room, die quietly and go unnoticed. However, the Shallot, a joint publication between The Milton Measure and The Milton Paper, is committed to exposing the stories that wouldn’t normally make front-page status. While normal stories appear drab and lackluster next to the brilliant smiles of the aforementioned Hathaway seniors, which graced Milton’s portal to Asia for a combined 7.34 days, they nevertheless reflect the ever-expanding reach of the Milton community and its accomplishments. Since none of us will ever start a nonprofit in highschool or win poetry prizes, we write about things we can understand: events that may not seem incredible, until you look more deeply. Enjoy. Chelsea Mehra and Samuel Shleifer TMM Editors-in-Chief 2010-2010 Kunal Jasty TMP Editor-in-Chief 2010-2011

Location and time unknown

? − In early September, Milton Academy Chaplain Suzanne DeBuhr accepted an invitation to monitor an unprecedented meeting of international religious leaders. The primary agenda of the gathering was World Peace. Among those present were the Dalai Lama, the Pope, the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, and the two Israeli Rabbis with the longest beards. The exact time and location of the meeting remains secret; however, the rendezvous is rumored to have occurred during parents day weekend in a underground cave somewhere between Bethlehem, Dubai and Ware Circle. As overseer, Ms. DeBuhr held the duty of easing any tension or awkwardness that may have persisted between the conference’s constituents. She had initially planned on organizing a friendly game of Duck Duck Goose to loosen everybody up. Headdresses and arthritis, however, rendered such an activity an impossibility. Instead, she sought to relieve inhibition and strained relations with a friendly game of Never Have I Ever. Although DeBuhr had put down all ten of her fingers before anyone else put down their second, the icebreaking exercise was a success. Afterwards, those present were able to unreservedly work together in an effort to create a plan for

Milton Students Trapped in Collapsed “Cave” A rescue story

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Lower School Hamster Wheels

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Inside the Bubble

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OPINION

Passive Voice PAGE 8

Most Asian Caucasian PAGE 8

Kniting Club is Best Club PAGE 9

Legalize Methamphetamine PAGE 9

A&E Cl. IV Play’s Nude Scene

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Jazz Combo at Superbowl

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Hipster Trends

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Swap-It on SNL

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SPORTS Field Hockey Locker Room PAGE 11

Cut Women’s Athletics PAGE 11

Alsbach’s Poodle Named AD PAGE 11

Vol. CXXIV No. 1

THE SOPHOMORE CAVE − At approximately 8:40 AM on Tuesday, as students looked at the clocks wondering why first period hadn’t ended, a 6.8 magnitude earthquake struck the Milton Academy campus. Several buildings, and one large tent, were evacuated due to safety concerns. While most escaped unscathed, a few dozen sophomores remain trapped beneath the “sophomore cave” of the school’s student center, with only music videos to guide them in the dark. The community has responded to the incident with both shock and fear. A Class II student playing basketball during the time of the disaster originally thought “it was just Dennis Clifford (I) dribbling down the court.” Now, he looks away with glistening eyes, wondering if the building’s crumbled chunks will affect access to the Snack Bar and Book Store. A couple of students, who wished to remain anonymous given their activities during the quake, were in the old science building but didn’t notice the tremors. Still, however, they lament the entrapment of their friends and peers. Several teachers thought it was the boys cross country team, and a member of the school’s administration said, “if the situation persists, we will have to give out class cuts.” After sixteen days of ineffective, math department orchestrated rescue efforts, a professional team took over and found a note from the trapped students. Waking from a brief nap, Academic Dean Bonenfant read an excerpt

of the note, which said “we are alright. It’s a bit cold,” to a reserved Straus library crowd. Unfortunately, the announcement did not have the crowd pleasing effect, as the prisoner’s use of a dummy subject confused and upset onlookers. Efforts continued and rescuers were able to establish communication with the trapped group of fifteen year olds. Through an elaborate system of video cameras, rescuers discovered that the desperate group subsisted on the trash and crumbs they found on the floor, in the couch, and beneath the foosball table. One grateful captive went so far as to thank Kasey Caine (I) and Rob Bedetti (I) for “not enforcing their student center clean up,” a statement that angered the headmonitors and resulted in serious repercussions for the rest of the Milton community. Total relief arrived sixty-nine days later when rescuers were finally able to penetrate the debris with a state of the art drill. Before exiting, the sophomores made sure to shave their peach fuzz for all upcoming photos and agreed to never talk about what happened during their imprisonment―including all the places, foods, and senior girls they had fantasized about. Emboldened by their camera ready appearances and solemn oath, they crawled through the tunneled rock to a roaring crowd of friends and family. Chloe Michaelidis ‘11 TMP Senior Editor

World Peace. All in all, the religious leaders were very pleased with DeBuhr’s fulfillment of her charge as overseer. Pope Benedict XVI told reporters, “Suzanne was wonderful.” He was especially thankful to her for confirming his supposition that “that sophomore couple hadn’t gone past second base.” Grand Mufti Muhammad Ahmad Hussein was also complimentary of DeBuhr’s monitoring. He commented, “She often knows best. I for one do not doubt the importance of staying clear of those back-stabbing Millet girls.” Reed Palmer ‘11, TMM Senior Editor

Chaplain Suzanne DeBuhr Picture cropped to hide location of Summit

One in Five Students Believe Bland is Muslim Popularity ratings decline

APTHORP MOSQUE − A recent poll revealed that a greater percentage of students now believe that Mr. Bland is a Muslim than did when he was still a candidate for Head of School. Mr. Bland continues to deny the allegations, citing his Episcopalian heritage and his support for Milton’s Christian-affiliated chapel program. While he was running for Head of School, a poll found that approximately one in ten students thought Mr. Bland was an adherent of Islam. Now that figure is one in five, or twenty percent. “Theodorick is a pretty foreignsounding name,” Young Republicans faculty sponsor Dar Anastas told The Shallot. “How many plumbers do you know named Theodorick?” According to several sources close to the Headmaster, Mr. Bland is a baptized and confirmed Episcopalian. But others have challenged this claim, and some have even questioned the legitimacy of his candidacy for Head of School. “Where was he born?” a student asked anonymously. “How do we know he was born in America?” “I go to church every Sunday – and I even go to Optional Chapel,” a frustrated Bland announced in an email sent to class conferences. School Chaplain Ms. DeBuhr reminded Mr. Bland in a reply email that a number of Muslims regularly attend Chapel (“interfaith chapel” as Ms. DeBuhr insists on calling it), as it is mandatory Bland Muslim continued to page 2


EDITORIAL

page 2 | December 7th, 2010

the

SHALLOT

Editors-in-Chief Chelsea Mehra ‘11, Samuel Shleifer ‘11, and Kunal Jasty ‘11 Managing Editors Sidney Chiang ‘11 Marco Barber Grossi ‘11 Ariana Lee ‘11 Jaclyn Porfilio ‘11

Senior Editors Sarah Alliegro ‘11 Lauren Kee ‘11 Reed Palmer ‘11 Daniel Schwartz ‘11 Patrick Miller-Bartley ‘11 Chloe Michaelidis ‘11

Layout Editors Andrew Beaudoin ‘11 Michael Berke ‘11

Latin American Affairs Corespondant Noah Bragg ‘11

Copy Editor Jackson Tse ‘11

Business Manager Brian Kong

the SHALLOT

An Alphabet of Grading When I was little, I was always taught that grades were sea-faring mammals. ‘A’ was an Atlantic Spotted Dolphin. ‘B’ was a Blue Whale. ‘C’ was a Caspian Seal. ‘D’ was a Dugong (see below). And ‘E’ was an Elephant Seal.

* John Mitchell ‘11 and Gina Starfield ‘12, News/Feature Editors Nicolette Gendron ‘11, Nikita Bhasin ‘11, and Benjamin Scharfstein ‘12, Opinion Editors Christopher Chu ‘12, Cydney Grannan ‘12, and Joycelyn Yip ‘11, A&E Editors Audrey Keathley ‘11, Matthew Lebovitz ‘12, and Keyon Vafa ‘12, Sports Editors Ben Ticknor ‘11, Charlie Storey ‘11, Robert Bedetti ‘11, and Brian Krantz, Humor Editors * Paul Archer and Larry Pollans, Faculty Advisors News Rachael Allen Ashley Bae Samuel Barrett-Cotter Amanda Beaudoin Natasha Bhasin Jessica Blau Hannah Cabot Michaela Carey Matthew Chen Emma City Molly Gilmore Alexandra Golden N’dea Hallett Mallika Iyer Merritt Levitan Charlotte Malone Osaremen Okolo Catharine Parker Xiaoyin Qiao Joseph Reynolds Javon Ryan Eunji Song Akanshu Srivastav Elizabeth Stanfield Ellen Sukharevsky Caleb Warren James Yan Erin Yang Lisa Zhou

* A&E Arthur Berman Emma Borden Benjamin Bosworth Dylan Brennan Tori Cabot Chimene Cooper Mary Devins Elana Golub Henry Green Grace Jacob Ian Kernohan Vivienne Kim Catherine Kulke Alex Lee Louis McWilliams Yoshi Makishima Louisa Moore William Morrow Elizabeth Peabody Charles Perkins Anaïs Rodriguez-Thompson Menaka Sachdev Madeline Thayer Brian Yip

Opinion Nicole Acheampong Olivia Atwood Nelson Barrette Ilve Bayturk Robert Bedetti Maxwell Bennett Kate Bodner Meg Broderick Wilson Chen Sarah Costello Elias Dagher Brandon Daly Nathan Daniel Elly Day Kirby Feagan Danielle Frederick Evan Garnick Bella Golden Vincent Kennedy Daniel Lamere Brittany Lee Karintha Lowe Erica Mathews James McHugh Stephanie Ng Martin Page Shannon Peters Stewart Pollock Siddarth Raju Ainikki Riikonen Daniel Rubenstein Thomas Schnoor Arielle Ticho Charles Wang Cary Williams Julia Xiong Celeste Young Andy Zhang

* Sports Nicholas Alves Alexandra Aulum-Pedersen Patrick Burke Natalie Chaves Samantha Curran Brooks English Sarah Evans Jacob Greenberg Edward Han Catherine Hartigan Chineye Ikoro Alexander King Matthew Lebovitz Sean Leo Jessica Li Nicole Meyers Rena Ogura Sean Okita Yemisi Olorunwunmi Ryan Rizzo Alexandra Stratouly McKean Tompkins Zachary Trkla Jackson Walsh

Say you got an A on your math homework; chances are, you completed it so well that if 4x and 8 were lost in the ocean, bleeding, 2 would show up just in time to rescue them. B was quite a different story. Your work got the job done, and was probably pretty huge (not necessarily literally 100 feet long), but it lacked a certain quality--perhaps clarity or uniqueness. If you actually used blue construction paper, that was a B+. A C grade was, well, salty. You missed some spots, but you made some effort, and with a whiskery smile. There were probably some cat hairs on the homework, which made you seem like a good person because you had a pet. (Although, what’s up with the cat? That’s kind of reclusive, no?) I think the Dugong is a sufficient explanation for the D. Frankly, the teachers weren’t sure if you spent more than 2 minutes, and if you did, you really aren’t going anywhere academically, so come on. You probably look funny too or they would have spared your feelings and made it a C-. An E was an accomplishment of its own! You hated the assignment, and wanted to build cathedrals out of your Uncle’s prescription medicine pill bottles. You were fiery and probably had either “pantsed” yourself in class at some point to make a point or hit your arch rival in the face with a sandal. As I grew older, I began to question this system. It seemed a bit rigid. What about all the other mammals? Couldn’t you do your homework badly, but so quickly that you got a C for Cheetah. Or couldn’t you eat ants, and not do your homework because you were at the doctor, but you really intended to, and you usually do, so what the hell, we’ll give you an Aardvark. And birds. So many opportunities missed by not being able to get bird grades. Colleges are supposed to be non-discriminatory, but how can they help it if all they are looking at is your sea-faring mammal record, when in actuality, you might be afraid of the water, or unable to pass a swim test. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have grades. But perhaps if we utilized the whole alphabet, and maybe even planets or constellations, the quality of work would be better. When you get to college, you probably won’t even learn about the things you learn in grade school. So we better make the switch now when our minds are moldable and fresh. Daniel Schwartz ‘11, TMM Senior Editor


page 3 | December 7th, 2010 Bland Muslim continued from page 1 for all boarders, “so that doesn’t prove anything.” A member of Christian Fellowship called the new poll “humbling,” and urged us to “pray for the heathen Mr. Bland so that he might save himself.” For their part, Muslim students have wondered why there is so much controversy. “I think it’s great that Mr. Bland is a Muslim,” said Farzan Vafa (I). In Monday morning assembly, Mariko Azis (I) offered Mr. Bland a tee shirt that said, “Mohammad Loves You,” which he felt awkward refusing or accepting, concerned that more people would believe the Muslim rumor. (He ended up deciding to throw it into the crowd in what he said he hoped would appear to be a magnanimous gesture.) One in five students responded to the poll that they did not know his faith. The remaining three in five students who believe Mr. Bland is Christian have remained relatively silent. One student, a junior from Greenwich, Conn., wrote, in an email to The Shallot that Bland is too “waspy to be Muslim.” “Calling him a Muslim is like calling George Bush a Jew,” the student said. “No, just no.” John Mitchell ‘11 TMM News Editor

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Top 15 Statistics of the Year

1. 1% of the entire student body thought Slayer was the backpack thief and called Campus Safety on him 2. 7% of upperclassmen want Kasey and Rob to wear matching fanny packs, not only on Fridays but also on every other day of the week 3. 10% of upperclassmen continue to sing baby monkey 4. 25% of the freshman class are still trying to figure out what sanctuary is 5. 39% of the entire student body knows how many squats Andre Heard does each week 6. 50% of Wolcott juniors got in trouble for gamming in the computer labs so they decided never to walk out of their dorm 7. 60% of the entire student body got Keyon Vafa (II) and Jane Ma (I) confused at swap it 8. 67% of upperclassmen got an awkward BBM request from Maddie Gallagher (I) 9. 75% of all juniors are still wondering why no they no longer hear stories of bush turkeys in their assemblies 10. 78% of the DSGs have Top 15 continued on page 4

NEWS

the SHALLOT

GOTCHA Game Goes Deadly Parents grieve loss

MILTON HOSPITAL − Fiasco could be the word that best describes the outcome of GOTCHA at Milton Academy. On November 30, 2010, head monitors Kasey Caine and Robert Bedetti finally admitted that GOTCHA “had gotten way out of hand.” With 30% of the senior class missing fingers, 3 sophomores dead, and 4 freshmen (who never really understood the rules) infected with STDs, the game was finally brought to a halt. “I never meant any harm,” commented Chloe Michaelidis (I), adjusting her brand new eye patch. Earlier in the week, despite her setting up 1000 booby traps for target Travis Sheldon (II), Chloe was thwarted approximately sixty times by Sheldon and body guards Dennis Clifford (I) and Sam Ames (I). In her frustration, Chloe reacted with what she would later admit was “goonish behavior.” Travis Sheldon is currently awaiting a large

intestine donation at The Milton Hospital. Alarmingly, administrators commented that Michaelidis’ behavior was by no means an anomaly. Principal David Ball shook his head sadly and said something eloquent about Thomas Jefferson, a golfer, and GOTCHA that no one understood. Head of School Todd Bland said that GOTCHA “hurt [his] feelings.” Ms. Bonenfant just quit. GOTCHA has also lead to admittedly unhealthy habits for certain students. Walter McCloskey remarked that students in his English and American Literature class had adopted “some first class Virginia Woolf behavior.” One member of the junior class has not been seen in six weeks. Other members of the faculty noticed that vegetarian students, under the duress of GOTCHA, sat for hours on end in Forbes Dining Hall eating raw meat.

Remarkably, despite the increasing numbers of students flocking to the Health Center for counseling, certain competitors remain determined. A group of redheaded boys from Milton High School claimed that GOTCHA “helps self-esteem,” while Chineye Ikoro (I) confessed, “GOTCHA had brought out the rage inside.” Brian Kong (I) said that he “would stop at nothing.” In response to the catastrophe, several solutions have been offered. Among such solutions have been straight jackets, more Affective Education, and capital punishment. Many people and ideologies have been blamed for the GOTCHA disaster at Milton Academy. Mark Hilgendorf commented, “If this were the sixties, none of this would be happening.” Ariana Lee ‘11 TMP Managing Editor

Frenchman Leaks ISL Cables We Must “Worst thing to happen since Nam” Derive Justice COMPUTER LAB 2 − A mammoth cache of academic cables was leaked last week from the infamous site know as Wikileaks. The cables, which are mostly comprised of events from the past three years, shed light onto the Milton Academy administration’s view towards other institutions, as well as 1 2 the processes leading up to some of the school’s3 most controversial decisions. Many within the ISL are outraged at the Academy, while some support the increase in transparency. The leak, which is the biggest academic leak in history, came about in an interesting way. Counselors at Sports Plus, an on campus summer program, enjoyed unlimited access to school computers, athletic equipment, and towels. The athletic equipment appears to have been used admirably: to better the lives of the countless campers, striving to play kickball with the odds stacked against them. Computer access, however, was enjoyed more shadily. Julian Asshinge, a student recently expelled from Milton High for a similar offense and suspected of leaking the ISL cables, said the information was “quite easy to obtain,” in an interview with The Shallot. “While the kids were at lunch, all of the counselors would go inside and mess around on the computers. While others played bubble trouble and browsed Facebook, I would wipe my Gaga discs clean and download all of the information needed. People never suspected that the kid lip syncing “Bad Romance” was also stealing top secret information about Mr. Banderob’s grooming habits. The first 1,000 of over 250,000 leaks, covering both internal and external dialogues, were leaked to The Shallot’s Newton offices last week. St. Paul’s School was outraged to discover an unidentified administrator mocking the school’s mascot, a pelican, in one of the cables. The following passage is from a Todd Bland email to Belmont Hill Headmaster Rick Melvoin: The St. Paul’s pelican is an embarrassment not only to their school but our entire league. A large beaked bird simply does not instigate fear in the eyes of visitors, though small saltwater fish surely keep a distance. Their crest also looks like a bird trying to eat itself. They try to compensate by calling themselves “big red” but that’s

a cinnamon flavored chewing gum. I, personally, think of Clifford, the big red dog everytime I hear “big red.” And what’s the deal with the Zebras from Middlesex and Groton. Really? Bland plans to drive up to New Hampshire on Monday for peace talks with St. Paul’s Head Pelican. The conversation will be leaked shortly thereafter. Another recent cable illuminates Upper School Principal David Ball’s competitiveness. Appalled by The St. Georges School’s decision to forfeit its contest to steroid-assisted Lawrence, Ball invoked an old memory. “When I was on the speech team,” he wrote in an email to Ben Hawkins (I), “we never forfeited if our opponents’ speeches were longer than ours. Size doesn’t matter.” Ball did, however, concede the forfeit’s positive impact on carbon emissions; MRIs and X-rays are hardly green. The consistent theme throughout the first 50,000 cables released to The Shallot is the League’s unified hatred toward Nobles. As early as 2007, Groton Headmaster Richard Commons stated that Milton needed to “cut off the head of the bulldog while there was still time,” in reference to Nobles’ quest to acquire yet another castle. Thayer’s Headmaster concurred in a cable sent last May. “The danger of letting it go on is greater than the danger of stopping it,” he urged. “We cannot stand idly by for the creation of a superpower.” The leaks did not only unearth ISL relations, but comments from our administration regarding their place of work. One cable discussed an event dubbed “Party Gate,” or Meebsapalooza. Apparently, it was not a student, but in fact a teacher at the event that leaked the detrimental pictures. That teacher, who will be kept anonymous for national security reasons, did note that “the party was actually the ‘Jams.’” Asshinge’s cables will have a tremendous effect on the academic and diplomatic landscape in New England Prep Schools, and Milton will surely have to work to save face. One Class II student went further, saying “this is the worst thing to happen since Nam.” Benjamin Scharfstein ‘12 TMM Opinion Editor

Math dept. coup thwarted CENTRE STREET − Shortly after students departed for Thanksgiving break, a squadron of disillusioned math teachers marched across Centre St. and entered the Student Center. Although they had hoped to remain neutral, Campus Safety was outraged at the brazen interruption of the flow of traffic and decided to notify Mr. Bland of the impending attack. Forces stationed in the department office atop Ware Hall offered cover for the ground troops and demonstrated their mastery of trajectory calculations that so baffled their students. Using oversized Precalculus textbooks as artillery fire, they quickly gained the upper hand, temporarily paralyzing the unsuspecting administrators with the sheer volume of information.

Rebecca McCormick works on strategy before going to war Overwhelmed by the initial chaos, Mr. Bland, running frantically through the Deans’ Office, was heard screaming, “It’s a trap---the rebels are using Polar coordinates!” As the troops breached both Wigg and Warren, wielding expertly programmed TI-Nspires, Mr. Heard, with the support of several other veterans of Milton’s 1993 underground cheerleading operation, struck back. In a display of Herculean strength and unforeseeable elegance, the small combat unit performed a splendid cheer that culminated in a human pyramid that even the state-ofthe-art calculators couldn’t factor. As the confounded math teachers regrouped and floundered in their attempts to manually make sense of the baffling arrangement of weightless administrators, Mr. Ball Derive Justice continued on page 4


page 4 | December 7th, 2010 Top 15 continued from page 3

memorized the lyrics and dance moves to “Not Gonna Cry” 11. 80% of the entire student body hates those spoon pictures 12. 89% of the junior girls were excited by the fact that Jonathan Franco (II) was an Abercrombie model—60% of them have accidentally referred to him as James Franco at least once 13. 93% of upperclassmen started singing “Not Gonna Cry” in their head since they read statistic number 11 14. 99% of all Sophomores were confused by the speech Kitty Lan (III) gave for half-year representative 15. 100% of the entire student body just passed this to a friend Gina Starfield ‘12 TMM News Editor

Scandal at Prep School Other than Milton NOT MILTON − A recent scandal at Phillips Academy (Andover) was recently not written up by The Boston Globe, confirming Communications Director Cathy Everett’s long-held suspicion “that schools other than Milton have scandals that people just don’t hear about.” Over ten people were suspended and two people expelled (another two students “withdrew”) in a drug-related incident. More students were put on what Andover calls Probation, whereby certain privileges (much like Blue Card privileges) are taken away. The incident started with a room search. Paul Murphy, Andover’s Dean of Students and Residential Life, raided the room of a student whom the school believed to be selling marijuana. The administration decided that the student’s cell phone could be used as evidence, and looked through his text messages (this precedent was set by a previous scandal, also not written about in the Boston Globe, at St. George’s School, which resulted in the expulsion of over ten students). His text messages implicated dozens of other students who the school believes purchased and probably used marijuana. The Shallot heard about the scandal from an inside source at Andover who would like to remain anonymous, and has since advertised it to other news outlets. The Shallot called the office of The Boston Globe, which has so far refused to look into the story. “Who wants to hear about a scandal all the way up in Andover, Mass.?” one Globe writer asked The Shallot. “We’ll let the real newspapers cover that one.” Another one of the several hundred Globe writers who did not write the story about the Andover scandal talked to The Shallot and admitted that he openly hates Milton. “Sure, I get calls about other scandals at other prep schools,” the writer confessed. “But my kids didn’t apply to those schools,” he said. “Only Milton rejected my darling children – and I hate Milton and will never stop punishing Milton.” This scandal follows last year’s unreported scandal at Phillips Academy, the elite institution that both President Bushes attended. The previous scandal, also not covered by The Boston Globe, involved dozens of freshmen who got high on cough syrup and had an orgy. John Mitchell ‘11 TMM News Editor

NEWS

the SHALLOT

Derive Justice continued from page 3 could be heard chuckling. Flustered and frustrated by his team’s inability to perform seemingly rudimentary calculations, the leader of the mathematical resistance shouted, “Hey, that’s not funny!” Just as the battle seemed to be over and the History department began taunting that the past can’t be integrated, a shocking turn of events started the fighting anew. Sympathizing with the rebels’ disdain for the unpredictable illogicalities of the present regime, a small, but extremely well trained group of physics teachers defected. The innovative special ops team soon discovered a number of structural imbalances in the cheerleading tower, but Mr. Fitzpatrick dismissed their findings as irrelevant and urged the courageous cheerleaders to hold their position. A small

scuffle ensued as Mr. Darling dissented and lamented that Andre had never seen the use of Darlings. The defense crumbled, sending Mr. Heard shamefacedly scurrying back to the weight room. Determined not to make the same mistake twice and eager to show their kindness, the math warriors began distributing protractors and compasses. The act of charity brought tears to Ms. Wehle’s eyes and she too defected, exclaiming, “Never in all my days at Milton have my moral bearings been more in tact!” Near defeat, the administration turned to maintenance for help. Ordering the immediate fertilizing of the quad, Mr. Bland hoped to overwhelm the unequipped noses of those normally stationed in Ware Hall and Pritzker Science Center. To add

insult to injury, the English department began chanting, “Something is rotten in the student center!” After scrambling to model the dispersal of the stench with relation to time, the rebels saw that there was little hope of reinforcements arriving in time. Although they were promised amnesty if they peacefully retreated across Centre St., Campus Safety was less willing to forgive. When the mathematicians again moseyed across the street, ignorant of the dire need to preserve the integrity of traffic flow, Mr. Hackett began issuing warrants for arrests. Only time will tell if the Pythagorean theorem can get them out of this fix! Daniel Schwartz ‘11 TMM Senior Editor

Lower School on Hamster Wheels Furthering sustainability efforts

LOWER SCHOOL SCIENCE LAB − As a part of the newest sustainability effort, Milton has chosen an alternative method of creating clean energy: employing Lower School students in human hamster wheels. The wheels themselves, green in color and appropriately sized for the Lower School students, are designed to both power electricity in the school and promote good health among our increasingly portly generation. Sustainability Coordinators speculate that the amount of energy created by the human hamsters will be enough to power most of the lights in Greenleaf and maybe even a couple computers. Each wheel is enclosed on the sides to soak up every ounce of effort exerted by the children. “It’s not solely about the amount of energy we generate, per se,” said Mr. Mills. “I’d say it’s just something we had to do, more of a moral issue. It feels good to save this energy and promote good, clean, physical labor.” The wheels are located in various parts of the Junior Building and Greenleaf Hall, decorating hallways, bathrooms, and even classrooms. Teachers have employed the wheels as mechanisms for both reward and punishment for, respectively, the

overzealous athlete and the more reluctant runner. Other ideas to enforce sustainability at Milton—among them, solar panels, wind turbines, carpooling, recycling, and organic bake sales—were suggested by students and rejected by the administration. “Each option,” Mr. Bland spat, “was more ludicrous than the next. This was our only plausible solution.” Eighteen wheels exist now— three for each grade K-5—and more are expected to come to the Middle School in the fall of 2012. One wheel this year has already been usurped by Henry Russell (I), who alone powers the energy for an entire second grade classroom. Reviews among the faculty have been fanatical. While the Sustainability Coordinators originally proposed the idea, the faculty in the Athletic Department fervently adopted it. Among the most passionate supporters were Sheila Egan and Varsity Volleyball Coach Nancia. Previous Athletic Director Bill Whitmore even reappeared to articulate his support for the wheels. Some rebellious Lower School students, however, have not been nearly as ecstatic. “I mean, they’re alright,” one Lower

School student was overhead saying to another. “I just wish they had doors that opened from the inside.” While many students have accepted the idea of the wheels—especially with the lofty promise of in-wheel snack and beverage bars—others are beginning to question. Talk of unions and even child labor laws has erupted in hallways and over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, especially in the fourth grade class. “Whatever The Man wants,” said an anonymous girl, “we ain’t givin’ it to him.” Rebellion aside, Sustainability Coordinators and Health Center officials alike fear a few other liabilities with the wheels, including their slickness, efficiency, and alarming speed retention (where more than a couple accidents have already occurred). Regardless, Marshall Carter has given the hamster wheels the green light for their overwhelmingly positive sustainability benefits. He has even suggested creating a timetable for the students so that they will “do their part in keeping the school green. It doesn’t matter if they’re tired, sick, or dizzy in the wheel; we need their young legs and shoes with good traction.” Hannah Grace ‘12, TMP Associate Editor

INSIDE THE BUBBLE Crusade against drugs falling behind schedule With only one drug-related expulsion this year, many students have begun to worry that the administration is failing to meet its stated goal of removing all illegal substances from campus along with anyone who has ever tried them. The Health Center counselors have protested Bland’s drug policy, saying that high school is a time to experiment and that everyone makes mistakes. Bland disagrees with the counselors’ compassionate approach. “Drugs are evil. When you do drugs, you are allowing the essence of Satan to infuse your soul and you cannot be saved” said Head of School Todd Bland. “Exorcisms are too expensive for this institution to invest in, and besides, many of our offending students have gone past the point of return.” He added that “there are no bad choices, just bad people.” Comic Sans selected as Academy’s official font In a heated debate amongst the faculty, Microsoft’s Comic Sans font has been chosen to appear on all official publications, mailings, and signage. Todd Bland, the font’s biggest proponent, stressed his view that the change will help raise money. Said Bland with zeal, “people will think we replaced Cathy Everett with a five year-old, but that’s what we want. The illusion that children actually have any power in this school will encourage more donations from alumni, which we can use to make even more questionable changes to this long-established institution.” Mr. Ball, the unsuccessful opposition leader, voiced his opinion that the Academy “would lose its two centuries’ worth of prestige and glory” if allowed to sink so low as to “steep itself in casual rubbish.” Faculty polling revealed that the Math department and Bland’s own charisma were his only supporters, showing the stunning power of a charming guise.

All students required to submit proposals to remain at the Academy Following the model of the new two-path senior project process in which seniors must submit a proposal to either go on project or remain in classes, all students must now, at the end of each year, write a statement of academic intent. Ms. Kaufman, who will be judging the statements, says they are merely a way for the school to be sure its students still care about academics, and ultimately, are in the students’ best interests. Besides the age-old requirements of earning a C- or higher in at least three full courses and passing English for the year, this new statement of intent must be approved for a student to be considered promotional. An outraged student asked Ms. Kaufman at assembly, “you mean to tell me that I get one chance to write this statement, and if you don’t like it, I will either be expelled or have to repeat a year?” Ms. Kaufman responded: “yes.”


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ACADEMIA

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CENTERFOLD

Countries A-Z

Algeria Belgium Canada Denmark Ethiopia France Ghana Hungary Ireland Jordan Kazakhstan Lithuania

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CENTERFOLD

Mexico Norway Oman Paraguay Qatar Russia Slovenia Turkey Uzbekistan Venezuela Wake Island Xylophone? Yemen Zimbabwe

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OPINION

page 8 | December 7th, 2010

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Keyon Vafa (II) Not on Facebook Far reaching repurcussions

Keyon Vafa (II) and his mentor, David Ball, sharing good conversation and beverages on a warm, sunny day

The Passive Voice is to be defended

ENGLISH CLASSROOM 313 − Recently, a paper was returned to me by my English teacher. Upon this paper was written in blue ink the line “Too much passive voice.” It appeared that the primary focus of my teacher in correcting my essay had been on the particular writing style of mine, as opposed to the content which was put into the essay. Therefore, it is felt by myself that my use of passive voice must be defended in this article, also by me. It is said that there is no correct usage for passive voice in formal writing. It was concluded by my teacher that socalled active voice was always preferable to passive voice. Often criticized by teachers for the lack of attribution offered by it, passive voice is maligned as confusing and indecisive. The belief that passive voice is a scourge on our language is even by some held. Indeed, few grammatical “errors” are in such low regard held as passive voice. It must be acknowledged, however, that the benefits of passive voice are also many. After all, there are many scenarios where direct attribution is not needed, and indeed not preferable. If, for example, one were to not study and fail a test, the line “errors in judgment were made” would be infinitely preferable to “I played too much Black Ops and didn’t study and thus failed my test.” Likewise, was one to invade the wrong country looking for weapons of mass destruction and fail to find any, the line “mistakes occurred” would be much better that “we f***ed up big time”. In this case, either line would be accurate, but only the former would allow one to later blame a subordinate. But my argument has digressed. Were passive voice to be dismissed, than one of America’s most treasured pop culture icons would likewise have to be disowned. Yoda, the great Jedi/puppet who provided us with such gems as “Size matters not” and “named must your fear be before

THE VAFA RESIDENCE − On November 28th, 2010, Class II’s Keyon Vafa did not log on to Facebook.com, the popular social networking site. His silence was heard across the globe. Keyon neither utilized his computer nor his blackberry to access the site. His characteristic feed of incessant comments and mobile uploads was halted, shocking his (as of 3: 16 pm on November 30th, 2010) 860 friends. “I was super surprised… kind of pleasantly surprised, but I wouldn’t want that kind of a shock everyday,” confessed a stunned Alex Lee (III). Keyon’s is perhaps Milton Academy’s most dominant Facebook presence, making his absence particularly unexpected. His bizarre ‘Who’s Feeding You?’ series of pictures nearly shut the site down in October, and his statuses are always the source of kerfuffle. “Ugh he’s always up on my newsfeed,” complained Class III’s Ali Golden. “I actually enjoy Keyon’s contributions when they’re responsible. But he always takes it too far!” added Max Bennett (II), who was attempting some first rate flirting at the time. While some cannot stomach Vafa’s virtual intensity, for those who appreciate embedded references to obscure things, his commentary is irreplaceable. “Some call me a virtuoso. I just say practice makes perfect,” Vafa told TMP in an interview. “I just set a goal and stuck to it.” For readers wondering what that goal was, since the film was in preproduction, Vafa has been an eager follower of The Social Network. Having watched the film an admitted four times and a suspected

forty-seven, Vafa enjoys weaving passages of the film’s dialogue into his everyday discourse. “I don’t tell this to many people, but I’ve been working to transform myself into Mark Zuckerburg,” he whispered to us off the record as he leaned down to remove a scuff from a stunning set of snow-white Pumas. “I do push-ups and everything. The sole reason I am restraining the beard which is begging to inhabit this face right now is because Marky Mark doesn’t have one.” So why did Vafa leave his virtual homeland? Speculation abounds. Class II’s Libby Perold hoped, wished, prayed and conjectured that he was “probably dead.” Others were less sure. “I’m not sure,” admitted Javon Ryan (III). “Maybe he was hiding outside Robbins, hoping for a glimpse of Kitty Lan (III).” Even Spanish Exchange student Guillermo Dominguez offered his assessment: “maybe was hit by a bus and has both arms broke now… jajajajajja,” Dominguez suggested via electronic correspondence. However, TMP readers need wonder no longer, as our investigative team caught up with Farzan Vafa (I), Keyon’s older brother and mentor. When asked about the day in question, he was surprisingly candid: “I wondered if something was wrong. I even went down the hall to check on him,” Farzan explained (I). “I found him absorbed in Restless Virgins on his Kindle.” And there you have it – another mystery solved by the legendary investigative unit, Green & Gilmore. Molly Gilmore ‘12, Henry Green ‘12 TMP Writers

The Most Asian Caucasian A profile on Michael Murray

banish it you can” is an excellent example of the place held by passive voice in modern writing. Is Yoda a bad influence because he has a questionable understanding of English grammar? That is not the view held by me, nor the view, I suspect, held by many others. If a greater understanding of English is desired, then a fair acknowledgment of the benefits of passive voice is necessary. It is not fair that students are discouraged from utilizing one of the most varied and powerful tools held by the English language. Passive voice is viewed so lowly only because of the many prejudices against it held by various English teachers across America. The views of these teachers are based upon outdated “standards of good taste” and silly ideas of “basic readability”. This question I pose to them is, in the age where communication is frequently limited to 140 characters or less, what value is held by “legible, basic English?” No valid response to that question exists (at least not one my short attention span will allow me to pay attention to). It is therefore concluded by me that those for whom passive voice is important should together rally and proclaim “active voice’s tyranny of grammar will no longer by us be tolerated!” No mistake should be made-the proponents of active voice not give up without a fight. It will be fought by them on the beaches, and in the streets. It shall be fought in the classrooms, the dictionaries, and in the spell checks. In the end, however, it is my hope that a student will finally be allowed to begin an essay with lines such as “War was thought by Ernest Hemingway to be a great and terrible evil.” or “A good view of gender relations is presented by Shakespeare in Macbeth”. Then, and only then, will its rightful place in English be held by that finest and purest of voices. (With sincere apologies to Mr. Smith) Stewart Pollock ‘12, TMM Writer

Some may be surprised to know the best football player on campus spends most of his days speaking Mandarin in Ware hall. Although football players are often stereotyped as dumbfounded, slow and lazy, they have a significant role in the Milton community; as a matter of fact, the majority of the male leadership positions on campus, such as the head-monitor, boarding-monitor and house monitor positions (besides Forbes house) are held by football players. Michael Murray, a Chinese teacher in the modern language department on campus, has strived his whole life to reach a genuine oriental status. However, just like I will never be American, he will never succeed to be a real Asian. Don’t worry, Mr. Murray - we still love the way you are. At 5”8 and 200 pounds, Murray was initially recruited by Harbin University as a star linebacker. “Ironically, I suddenly turned into an all-star player, after being a lifelong bench warmer ” the long-time faculty member said. Unfortunately, his period of glory did not last for long. His rising love for the Asian culture, where grades come before everything, deviated him from his “once glorious times.” Instead of working out at the gym like a typical American football player, he visited massage parlors and strived to discover where the fortunes of fortune cookies were written. In response to his declining performance as a football player, the Chinese government decided to strip him of athlete status and sent him to labor camp for immersion in Chinese language and

culture. As Mr. Murray expressed in an after he completed his high school education in the USA. interview, “looking back, I was very lucky because unlike the North-Korean FIFA world cup players, I did not end up as a miner, but at the camp that shaped who I am today”. In camp, he met Ching-Yao, his mentor and guide. “It was bromance,” said Mr. Murray, “we were so compatible, we did everything together and there was no border between us besides the fact that I was not Asian.” Over the course of the next 2 years, Ching-Yao taught Mr. Murray the Chinese language and culture as well as how to use chopsticks. As Chinese as Murray’s teaching and acting make him out to be, his journey is not complete. There are also many aspects that make him fail to reach oriental status. Mr. Murray does not possess the mathematics acumen an Asian should have. According to many of his students, he has failed many times in the past to calculate the right grades for students. Recently, he miscalculated a student’s grade by 10 percent. His dark rim glasses just don’t match and Asian people drink tea, not coffee. Yet, I must admit that Mr. Murray does have a relatively good Chinese accent for a foreigner. I’ll give him that. However, as a Chinese citizen myself, I cannot fully deem Mr. Murray an Asian. Biologically and genetically, he will always be Caucasian - no matter how proficient he is and becomes in Chinese. Matthew Chen’12, TMM Writer


A&E

page 9 | December 7th, 2010

Swap-It Mentioned on Saturday Night Light (SNL) MA’s hottest spot THE STU − Halfway through the October 9th episode of NBC’s Emmywinning sketch comedy and variety show Saturday Night Live, a treasured Milton tradition was exposed, like many of its participants. In an interview with Seth Meyers, Weekend Update’s city correspondent, an interestingly glad German nightlife expert named Stefon recommended the Swap It dance as a hot spot for tourists visiting Milton, Massachusetts or even Quincy. Famous for his affinity for nightclubs, Stefon contends that if Swap-It was a club, it would be named SWEAT, and it would be Massachusetts’s hottest. Although he concedes that the event was much more enticing during the swine flu epidemic, he assures the audience that “any number of airborne sicknesses abound.” “The Swap-It dance,” he exclaims, “has everything: sea monsters, a hanging death trap, chaperones from the language department, spandex disasters and crying underclassmen girls.” Stefon says that the event is non-exclusive. All one needs to gain entrance is “a pelvis, functioning perspiration glands, and, of course, a ridiculous outfit.” Reed Palmer ‘11, TMM Senior Editor

Nude Scene in Class IV Play Just another high school scandal

KING THEATRE − Audiences of this year’s Class IV play received an unexpected surprise: nudity. The shocking production choice was received with very mixed reviews. While the majority of students reacted to the risqué twist with excitement and approval, several faculty members were less than happy with the dramatic choice. The Class IV Play is a longstanding tradition at Milton. Though many students look forward to seeing their friends onstage, other freshmen are less than enthusiastic about their mandatory attendance. The audience members of this year’s production, somewhat ironically titled Just Another High School Play, were no exception. Yet when one freshman boy appeared onstage clad in nothing but a bubble wrap headdress, even the most

though Mr. Heard warned performing arts staff that the theater department is not exempt from the student handbook’s rules regarding dress code and public indecency, and that any such infractions in the winter productions will be punished. Both McArdle and the cast were taken aback by the administration’s outrage. One actor professed that she “thought Milton students [were] comfortable with sexuality.” Other cast members felt that Mr. Heard’s ruling was insulting to the maturity of the student body, finding it “offensive that the administration doesn’t think we’re old enough to handle mature content.” McArdle pointed out that nudity and sexuality are frequent themes in visual art, and that both drawing and sculpture classes explore the female nude, “So why the restrictions on performances?” Going forward, the theater department will have to be content with a PG-13 rating. Catharine Kulke ‘13, TMP Writer

Jazz Combo to Play Superbowl Halftime Show Giving new meaning to “wardrobe malfunction”

KELLNER − The Milton Academy Jazz Combo is to perform at the Super Bowl XLV halftime show, the Associated Press reported this week. Due to an unexpected pregnancy, Fergie and fellow popmakers The Black Eyed Peas will be unable to perform. (When asked about the potential baby-daddy, Fergie responded, “He said he would love me long time!”) The Black Eyed Peas wish the best of luck to the stardazed young performers. “This will be a terrific experience for the members of our jazz program,” commented Mr. Bob Sinicrope, head of Milton’s prestigious jazz department. Unofficial band-leader James

Latest Hipster Trends

Advice from Milton’s own fashionista

AMERICAN APPAREL − Despite the great number of preppy students at Milton Academy, the hipster population has grown exponentially the past few years. If you want to achieve the ultimate hipster look, it is not only important to dress the part, but also possess the counter-culture attitude. Although the planning of hipster outfits is quite a task, executing the look with a flawlessly unconcerned aura is a whole other battle. If you reveal the pride or effort you put into an outfit, your look will be ruined. Before you tackle the hipster wardrobe, make sure you’re aware of the hipster’s attitudes on life. A few key aspects of the hipster lifestyle are to eat only vegetarian meals (at least publicly in Forbes), try not to smile (pursing your lips, however, indicates disinterest AND accentuates your cheek bones), and only listen to indie music. For example, when walking into Tuesday morning assembly with your iPod, make sure you are playing something like Animal Collective and not the Glee soundtrack. Try mouthing the lyrics to the song to show everyone that you get the lyrics that are being delivered from your ear buds straight into your soul. In doing this, you show that you’ve not only had this song on repeat all of last night, but that you’ve taken the time to visit www. azlyrics.com. Once you nail the behavior of a hipster, the next step is to dress like one! Let’s imagine that outfits had the ability to speak. Basically, your goal should be to have your outfit say to all passerby and enviers, “I just woke up and found this chunky sweater on the floor. And it was my dad’s, and he got it at a thrift store in the 80’s.” Here are a few noteworthy hipster trends: The Hipster Headband:

reluctant audience member was wide awake. One student gushed that Just Another High School Play “totally blew my expectations,” while another simply muttered a monosyllabic but approving “Seeed.” Among the older members of the Milton Community, the play received a slightly less enthusiastic reception. Despite director Pam McArdle’s insistence that the nude scene was “Necessary for the production to retain its artistic depth,” Mr. Ball called the nudity, “Crude and unnecessary.” Mr. Bland admitted that he had had to close his eyes for that part of the show, adding that “When I urged you to fly your colors for the community, this was not what I intended.” No disciplinary action has been taken against either the production team or actors involved in the scandal,

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Despite migraines, long lasting indents, and breakouts, the hipster headband is definitely worth the drawbacks! A braided, metallic, or patterned headband across your forehead is a necessity if going for the “free-spirit” look. You can also find headbands with attached flowers or feathers, which are not only stylish, but also display your connection with nature! Such additions to the headband contribute to the highly desirable hipster-chic look. For those ready to take their inner hipster to the next level, try not washing

“No Breaks” McHugh (II) commented on the combo’s preparation. “We have been preparing vigorously for this event, practicing songs outside our comfort zone,” he explained with a matter-of-fact hand gesture. “These songs may or may not include jazz-renditions of all time Super Bowl classics, like ‘Are You Ready For Some Football,’ ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time,’ ‘99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall,’ and, of course, ‘Fergilicious.’” The Jazz Combo’s dedicated followers are excited for the highly anticipated performance, yet some are skeptical about the potential

appropriateness of the show due to the jazz musicians’ infamous wardrobe malfunctions. Previous outfit mishaps have included Ethan Schneider’s (’10) notorious mid-drumming strip-tease at last year’s Tribute to Miles Davis concert and Matthew Chen’s (II) seductively unbuttoned Ralph Lauren polos. “These kids have to realize that there are consequences for their actions,” Mr. Ball said. “As we all know, loud music leads to drugs, sex, and other DC-able offences.”

arena. American Apparel Hoodies: While many unfortunate mainstreamers have gotten their hands on the American Apparel hoodie, it will never lose its definition as the staple of any hipster wardrobe. This hoodie is available in a variety of colors and can be worn with practically any outfit! American Apparel produces all of its products in the United States, pays its workers an average of $12 an hour and even provides healthcare. Although we must not forget to shun

blinding reflections of the snow. Although the shutter glasses will only protect 50% of your eye, it’s a sacrifice you must be willing to make for the preservation of your hipster style. Even it you don’t have a prescription, that is no excuse for not rocking over-sized glasses. If you have 20/20 vision, either buy glasses with fake lenses or remove the lenses from real glasses. In the event that someone accuses you of wearing fake glasses, claim they are for reading and that you need them to finish Catcher and the Rye for the ninth time in honor of J.D. Salinger’s tragic death. If you choose the option of punching out the lenses in real glasses, justifying your need to wear lens-less glasses may prove difficult. In this case, storm away and tell the hater they are not intellectual enough to fathom that sight transcends the surface of a lens; glasses are vital to internal perspective as well. Sassy, stylish, and seductive, Brian Krantz (I) will whisk you away with his over-sized glasses. If you get your hands on any of these trends, you will be well on your way to becoming a true hipster! Some other must-haves include crop tops, belts that don’t go through your belt loops, jeans so tight that you can hardly walk, and leather satchels. Remember, just as important as your wardrobe is the way you carry yourself! And if all else fails, just carry around a pack of cigarettes, hang a pair of old school headphones around your neck, and tell everyone who gives you weird looks that they are just too mainstream to understand.

Daniel Schwartz (I), Lauren Kee (I), and Josh Berman (I) are spotted taking a brisk, Fall walk. your hair for a week or two and definitely do not brush it. The tight headband will slick your greasy locks down and show off that shiny middle part! As stated above, looking unconcerned with your appearance is vital. What better way to show this apathy than having poor hygiene? Although she has yet to rock the greasy hair look, Gracie Jacob (II) is a role model hipster in the headband

conformity, conformity against sweatshops is okay! Unsure of how to sport the hoodie? Keep on the lookout for hoodie maven Daniel Schwartz (II). Hipster Glasses: The two musthave types of hipster glasses are the Kanye West inspired shutter glasses and oversized glasses. Shutter glasses provide both style and practicality. As we head into the colder months, we must prepare for the

Cydney Grannan ‘12, TMP A&E Editor

Lauren Kee ‘11, TMM Senior Editor


SPORTS

page 10 | December 7th, 2010

Milton Academy Field Hockey “What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room”

MAFH LOCKER ROOM − We’ve all seen the pictures. Seemingly innocent teenage girls in spandex taking selfies and creepy pictures of each other in different poses and with various faces. To the naked eye, this activity by a group of girls, known as the Milton Academy Field Hockey team (or MAFH!!<3), seems completely normal. However, as a fellow varsity athlete at Milton Academy, I knew something was definitely wrong. Who in their right mind takes pictures of themselves in a locker room? This “phenomon” made absolutely no sense to me, so naturally, I decided to do some investigative work. To understand MAFH, I had to become MAFH. From the start, I knew it would be difficult to be a male playing a traditionally female dominated sport. However, as a former member of Boy’s Varisity Soccer, all I had to do was tell Coach Reddick’s I wanted to be a part of a real sports team that actually won games. Out of sympathy, I immediately

garnered a spot onto the cult. The next step was to gain the trust of the girls; this was easy. I opened up Facebook on my Blackberry, liked one of Brighid Noone’s (II) statuses, commented “PRECIOUS <3” on one her pictures, and made my status “MAFH.” I was offically “in,” allowed to be part of the cult and permitted into the locker room. Now for the real stuff: what really goes on in that locker room. From the start, I had my suspicions of illegal activity. Could the girls be experimenting with hard drugs? No, most of these girls thought Shrooms were just a topping for their pizza. Could they be involved in some secret scientology cult? This seemed more plausible, except scientology has not been culturally revelent for at least two or three years. In the end, I had to see what these girls were doing for myself. I will never forget the horrors I saw when I walked into that locker room

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for the first time. Stale food lay all over the room, a random kid’s broken bicycle, and love notes everwhere addressed to Robert Zindman (I) and Jared Friedberg (II) (most likely ex-flames), and even devil horns in Ale Gianino’s (III) locker (hopefully from a Halloween or Swap-It costume). Erin Martin (II) was riding Melissa Ambrus’ (II) back, while screaming, “Yeeehawww!” However, I looked beyond these autrocities and figured out why these girls took so many pictures of each other. First, these girls would take pictures very fast at an extremely close-up range of each other or themselves with the flash at full brightness. Even though this seems damaging to the eyes, the girls claimed to achieve a cheap high from this thrill, claiming that it boosted their team spirit and overall mood. Even though very messed up, how could I argue with the results? I finally had figured out the secret of MAFH<3, and maybe, just maybe, the Boy’s Soccer Team could even learn from these girls. Matthew Lebovitz ‘12 TMM Writer

No comment.

Alsbach’s Dog Named Athletic Director Changes to be made with Milton athletics ACC − With the arrival of the Winter season, change has washed over the Milton campus. For those of you not up to date with recent news, Ms. Alsbach has recently retired as Milton’s athletic director, handing her position over to her poodle. Although the poodle has refused to meet with reporters, he/she took the liberty to email the Shallot with his/her thoughts on the coming changes: Dear Milton Measure, Thank you for expressing interest in my new role at Milton. Ms. Alsbach was a wonderful athletics director and a wonderful owner. While I have large shoes to fill, I intend to fill her shoes with the best of my ability. In order to continue improving the athletic programs offered at Milton, I plan to enact changes and also implement additional courses to the athletics program. Although I have not officially discussed my ideas with the rest of the department, I have two major ideas that I wish to act upon. Firstly, I plan to establish a new advanced training program similar to the Darlings program; however, this program will be exclusive to the campus canines. Because Darlings is a human exclusive

program, dogs on campus have not been given the opportunity to challenge themselves athletically. With the new program, dogs on campus can strive and hopefully go on to become competitive athletes. My second change concerns the length of sports practices. Because practices are so long, coaches’ dogs are often neglected. While some coaches bring their dogs to practice, not enough time is spent solely caring for the dogs’ wellbeings. Thus, I plan to shorten all practice lengths to an hour. When I discuss these changes with the rest of the athletic department, I am sure that we will come up with more ideas to further improve athletics at Milton. Thank you for expressing your interest. I hope this email helps enlighten you and your readers. Best Regards, Poodle With the poodle’s rise to the position of athletic director, change is sure to come. As canine involvement in the athletics department increases, Milton’s sports teams and programs will become more diverse and unique. Christopher Chu ‘12, TMM A&E Editor

Marijke Alsbach Predecessor

Poodle Succesor

Women’s Sports THE KITCHEN − Why do we girls bother to play sports, anyways? After all, we care too much for the love of the game when we should care about showing off our sixpacks. We care more about working and bonding and holding sleepovers with our own team than we care about wrecking Nobles. We spend too much time engaging in sexy stretching, planning our Pride Day Outfits, and drawing up thoughtful strategic plans when we could be sitting in the Trainer, wrapped in six feet of plastic, supposedly preventing some mysteriously diagnosed ailment from getting worse. If sports these days are about getting huge, being the manliest among our group of friends, and soldering through every sprain like a real hero, then girls should clearly not be allowed on the field, on the track, or even on the treadmill. Our swiftness, intelligence, and respect for others could better serve us in some less aggressive activity, like sewing or reading to elders. In fact, many girls simply avoid sports because they know that their inevitable drive to display good sportsmanship and develop remarkable skill will get in the way of the larger goal: ass kicking. According to womenssportsfoundation.com (which, from what I’ve witnessed, is likely a group of suburban moms trying to lose weight) less than 35% of all college athletes are women. The remaining (greater than) 65% should be commended for their success in avoiding very unflattering uniforms, excessive amounts of iron pills, and creepy looks from guys in the gym. There are clues everywhere that suggest girls should not partake in sports, one being all the alternative options for weight loss. If you decide to play some lax in the Spring because, 1) it looks like fun, and 2) you may drop some pounds before prom, then everything you really need is in a phone call to Jenny Craig. Seriously, spare yourself the time commitment. Clue #2: No one else cares about our sports. Why do we? No spectator wants to sit there and analyze the dynamics behind your stellar goal, when he or she could be on another field, a few feet away, watching the boys bash each other’s heads in. Furthermore, no one wants to hear your meek little Monday morning announcement, followed by a cute cheer from your teammates, when there are real scores to announce. Clue #3 looks ahead at college; and college is the only reason anyone does a single thing around here, right? Here’s another stat from our suburban mom’s club: colleges only spend around 24% of their athletic operating budgets on females. And if you manage to get through college playing on those measly bucks, you’ll be relieved to know that less than 46% of coaches on female teams are actually women. You could be one of the (less than) 46% who gets to share her knowledge with another generation of unlucky, lookeddown on little girls who have been shoved into soccer lessons because their big brothers play, or your entire athletic career could come to a screeching halt. But don’t worry about keeping in shape; a Yoga class at the Y will take care of that. But, as a final note, don’t be disheartened, ladies! There will be countless opportunities to wear shortshorts and colorful sweatbands off the field, I promise. Mallika Iyer ‘13 TMM Writer


OPINION

the SHALLOT

December 7th, 2010 | page 11

Vegetarianism is Immoral We shouldn’t eat plants either

A PILE OF ROCKS − The recent release of “Eating Animals,” by acclaimed author Jonathan Safran Foer, has the world up in arms about the immorality of consuming meat. If we care enough not to harm our fellow humans, how can we carelessly wreak hurt upon animals? After all, chimps and babies are from the same gene pool. Fellow Americans, and by fellow I mean loyal PETA followers, we have taken the difficult first step towards moral perfection. We have eliminated the barbaric consumption of our equals, those living and breathing creatures with whom

we share this glorious planet. But we are all perpetrators of yet another injustice, far greater than the first. Unbeknownst to vegetarians and vegans alike lies a vicious and murderous crime. You who consume broccoli, carrots, ASPARAGUS, the living offspring of the earth, your hands are stained with the juice of your victims—innocent plants! Take another look at that stalk of celery. Sure it may not be breathing, it may be a green stick filled with water, but don’t be fooled! IT HAS LIFE! And those cucumbers! You let those precious babies suffocate in salty

brine just to make them tastier for your own selfish gluttony, you lover of pickles. It’s against the law to kill. To kill is to deprive of life. The greens of the earth are living! Now for those of you whose gracious hearts feel the pain of the whimpering fruits or the crying lettuce leaves, do not fear. There is a diet that will save you from this innocent bloodshed. There are things on this planet that do not live and are available for your consumption. Rocks, for example. No beating heart there. I suggest grinding them into a soft paste

so they are easier to digest. A smoothie perhaps. And for snacks? Glass. If you’ve seen the Jim Carrey version of the Grinch, you know that crystal ware can be pretty tasty. As an extra plus, eating those old bottles is like recycling, but better! Instead of festering in a landfill, glass can disintegrate in your stomach acid! P.S. This essay has made me reconsider my stance on eating animals. I now believe they need to be punished for eating grass. Sarah Alliegro ‘11 TMM Senior Editor

An Ode to Knitting Club Most exciting on campus

WINTER VALLEY RESIDENCES − After reading “The Flow of Milton,” The Milton Paper’s humor section from the November 12th issue, I was shocked and dismayed to see knitting club labeled the “least exciting club on campus.” Knitting club is nothing if not exciting. With needles glinting in the ambient light of the freshman common room, the members of knitting club slave away, constructing garments so intricate they could hardly have been crafted by human hands. Each stitch is its own adventure as the scarf, hat, or sweater takes shape, growing its own personality and identity. After a few minutes in the sun, the sweat of such diligent hands will dry; a salty accent concludes any true knitted article of clothing. No other activity has been more enthralling to me than knitting. In my seventeen years of life, I have found nothing more satisfying than pulling on the mittens my own two hands have hewn or spending hours making the perfect scarf for my grandmother. Knitting club is my outlet. Once a week I get to relieve my frustrations through furious needlework. Only in knitting club can I spend time with friends of the same interests who really understand me. The members of knitting club are a cult in the most positive sense of the word. Clad in each others’ garments, we cuddle for

warmth while our needles are never still. Moreover, knitting is a skill that all people should have. If, after some unforeseen natural disaster, clothes become scarce, who will be able protect themselves from the elements? In these poor economic conditions, who will be able to profit from selling clothing they can make by hand? Members of the knitting club, of course. Not to mention the fact that knitted garments are by far the most stylish of any clothing. My fingers are tingling as I imagine the endless possibilities of a full wardrobe of knitted clothing. The options that different styles and yarns can provide are infinite. How can anyone consider knitting club unexciting when the potential for such great craftsmanship exists? In knitting club, I have found true friendship, the cultivation of a useful skill, and an escape from the daily Milton grind. No scary movie has ever rivaled the plight of a dropped stitch in its terror-inducing capabilities, and no athletic victory has given me a greater sense of accomplishment than finishing that finicky pair of toe socks. In light of the abuse knitting club has received, I beg the student body to take up a pair of needles and uncover the adventure that only knitting can provide. Marco Baber Grossi ‘11 TMM News Manager

Legalize Crystal Methamphetamine 73% of students have experimented, 51% repeated use MILTON’S METH LAB − Ice. Crystal. Crank. Gak. Tweak. Nazi Dope. Sissonville Slimfast. Poor Man’s Cocaine. Whatever you call it, there’s no denying that Crystal Meth plays a vital role in thousands of lives across the world. A recent Affective Education poll showed that roughly 73% of Milton Academy’s student body has experimented with Crystal Meth at some point, accompanied by a staggering 51% reporting repeated weekly use. “Business has never been this good; making glass, no more glomming, I’m the butter and egg man,” Clint Strawberrie (III) boasted to the Shallot. “We may be witnessing the Golden Age of Crystal Meth.” With a product this popular, public controversy is inevitable. Even in this era of tolerance, the federal government is spending millions of taxpayers’ dollars to prevent the spread and use of Crystal Methamphetamine,

raising eyebrows on both sides of the political spectrum. “For me it’s just stupid,” said a frustrated Meg Broderick (II). “Meth is just a part of teenage life these days, and parents who disagree need to cut the umbilical cord already and let their kids grow up.” Extreme though Broderick’s position may seem, she is well known to represent Milton Academy’s student body – “if I need advice on drugs, I’d definitely turn to Meg,” one of her classmates told me. Broderick, whose nickname amongst the field hockey team is “drug dealer girl,” is a hard partier, with a lengthy reputation. Ask her about her police record and she’ll reply with a wink and state proudly “yeah I’ve got a record. A record so long I’m thinking about putting out an album.” However, some discount even this experienced student’s advice. “Meth is addictive and dangerous and

Marco Barber Grossi (I) hand-knitting a beautiful two-shaded scarf, while sporting his most recent creation. For more information on sales and merchandising, please contact Marco directly. Advance orders appreciated.

there should be serious consequences for using it. They should feed you to iguanas if you’re caught dealing” asserted Frances Cohen, concerned parent of Henry Green (II). Most lawmakers agree, making legalization quite unlikely. “It’s the corruption, man – big tobacco keeps their pockets lined with hundreds, and they’re just too busy being greedy to look out for the people. They’ll never legalize it” complained meth advocate Ben Hawkins (I). It is this reporter’s opinion that legalization is a necessary step. Those who support banning meth or even arresting dealers are missing the forest for the trees; yes, meth is addictive, but so are Honest Tea, coffee and Glee. Yes, Meth will make users attempt to claw away their own skin; but so will exposure to Sydney Sykes (II), and she is legal in at least forty-five states of this proud union. The Shallot’s own independent research irrefutably demonstrates that Meth boosts creativity 153,000%. Moreover, in its purest form, Meth is not a narcotic: its main function is to mimic the effects of Adrenaline,

a natural stimulant produced by the body. Thus, it is as natural as the pores of our skin and the white parts of our fingernails. Yet Meth is unfairly maligned in the media every day, and the reason seems clear – it is generally created and consumed by white males, historically downtrodden elements of American society. Will we let petty prejudices cloud the vision of our noble nation, or will we stand up and confirm once and for all that, in the eyes of the law, all men are created equal? This is the true test we face when we ask ourselves the Meth question. The only solution is one of expediency: legalize Crystal Meth, and do so immediately. Our nation will endure without legalized Marijuana, but the success of this country relies on Meth’s legalization. And don’t get us started on PCP… Adam Beckman ‘12, TMP Associate Editor Henry Green ‘12 TMP Writer Keyon Vafa ‘12 TMP Sports Editor


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December 7th, 2010 | page 12


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