G raphiin g
o ut lo u d
VIVID IS DEAD, LONG LIVE VIVID! We have nothing to fear but Vivid itself. Frankly my dear, I don’t give a Vivid. I came I saw I conquered Vivid. Man is a Vivid animal. You were supposed to destroy Vivid, not join it! We will fight Vivid on the beaches. N ever send to know for whom Vivid tolls; it tolls for thee. Hasta la vista, Vivid. I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for Vivid. G od created the heavens and the Earth, and H e saw that it was Vivid. Open the door, Vivid. What does not kill you, merely makes you more Vivid. Ask not what Vivid can do for you, ask what you can do for Vivid. Play it Vivid, Sam. Do unto others as Vivid would do unto you. Vivid is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. Able was I ere I saw Vivid. What would Vivid do?
Welcome one and all to the new incarnation of Vivid, Cambridge’s only magazine to have conquered a sovereign nation. Enjoy the delights of this savage feast of an issue - hope to see you on the other side!
Not much is known of these suave and savvy revolutionaries, except that they came to edit the legendary Vivid magazine when the previous incumbents suddenly disappeared in a mysterious incident involving lots of scientific experimentation and midnight excursions. If you want to join the glamorous cabal, as an editor, illustrator, designer or treasurer, just knock loudly on the evil-looking door with all the skulls (email on the left of the page). It’s been a tough magazine to produce, and we appreciate the help and support of all the great people in the credits on page 6, and all the authors, as well as the fantastic Ben Weisz, Carl Turner and Niall Caldwell. We hope you enjoy what’s inside, and we promise not to bite if you give us feedback – in fact that might be the only way to stop us biting! Bah Humbug, John Wallis (editor)
Lega l notice: We occasiona l ly attem pt to pa rody a nd sati rise th i ngs with a specia l tech n iq ue we developed ca l led “mocki ng i m itation”. If you do not ta ke th is i n the rig ht spi rit, we a polog ise for a ny i nconven ience caused . As a wise ma n once sa id: “please don’t sue us, we don’t have a ny money.”
the possibilities are endless here
The adventure continues insideâ€Ś
‘I’m Acst Man In p40 e ld O ’s ld Wor ndal, mbie’ Sca o Z A y ll tua
Psycholo gy Supe rvision B Graduall e y More One-Sid coming ed, p37
Dalai Lama to free Tibet in epic kung-fu sequence Sour ces conf irm that His Holi ness the Dala i Lam a, exile d rule r of the Chin ese terri tory of Tibe t, plan s to recla im his anci ent King dom and re-e stab lish
inde pend ence – after he infil trate s the impe rial adm inist ration , uses para norm al ninj a skill s to silen ce the guar ds, sets fire to the pala ce, defe ats the Pres i-
dent of Chin a in a kick-box ing fina le and kidn aps his daug hter to rans om in exch ange for his coun try’s auto nom y. The Gran d Lam a vow ed that the trad ition al self- gove rnin g mon arch y that the ex-n ation had main taine d for cent urie s prio r to Chin ese occu patio n wou ld be resto red, and that his mar tial arts abili ties were seco nd to none . “Ma n, I wish you guys coul d see it as I burs t thro ugh the wind ows, figh t fifte en arme d men with only a pair of nunchuc ks and vani sh agai n into the shad ows. It’s goin g to be utter ly kick-ass ,” affir med Tenz in Gyatso , the Lam a’s offic ial nam e, in com men ts to jour nalis ts. His Holi ness decl ared that the “pur e-aw esom enes s” of the battl e wou ld culm inate in a fina l show dow n with Tibe t’s evil over lord and old nem esis Dun g Sun Xu. “Thi s will be a figh t that will test the limi ts of my endu ranc e, but that suck er is total ly goin g dow n,” said Gya tso, addi ng, “I know his wea knes ses.” Sour ces conf irm that the 14th Dala i Lam a expe cts his hero ic attem pt to be foile d at the last minu te, but pled ges to the peop le of Tibe t that he will esca pe from his cell disg uise d as a priso n guar d and proc eed to achi eve the peac e and liber ation that his noble and histo ric natio n assu redl y dese rves .
G raphiin g
o ut lo u d
How acceptable it is to say you’re a ‘Natsci’
Breakdown of people who smuggle snakes in their trousers
How cool wearing a gown is based on location
Manifestation of pain upon stubbing one’s toe
Overlap of activities of people in early and late stages of life
:4 4) , d yo u” (L ev. 25 na tio ns a ro un ra ci al of d se cu ac en an d He ha s be Th e n fo r sa yi ng “[ di sc r im in at io si ng le d ou t of I ve ha ly on m os Is ra el is] of th e ea r th ” (A al l th e na tio ns ve ha to d ge le al 3: 2) . He is al so bi c ct ly ho m op ho ex pr es se d di re s. k, m es sa ge G ab r ie l: “L oo Ac co rd in g to G od at th r a pe ap I k no w it m ig ht a m an to sl ee p id s ex pl ic itl y fo rb an , bu t wh en he ed . w ith an ot he r m ot s to ta lly m is qu wa sa id th at he m ay an m o ‘n , id it’s He ac tu al ly sa he r m an un le ss th at sl ee p w ith an ot s is m ys ey al wa co ns en su al .’ Th bi t ou t.” l: “L oo k, I’v e Ad de d G ab r ie sa nd r se ve ra l th ou k no w n G od fo ca n as su re I d an w, no a m ill en ni ho m op ho be .” m en t, wh ic h yo u He ’s no t a Th e an no un ce st de d hi s st at eho ly nc G ab r ie l co lu ly, it’s sm fo r ed by a he av en re an d ci ed iti cr ec pr ng s si wa es “F ra n k Ad dr ts He rd w ith fa nf a m en t, sa yi ng , to le ge d st at em en ra l pr ai si ng th e Lo ve al l a de ity ha s s se r at g te th in af hu nd re ds of al s r es ou du r id ic ul fe w sl ip lic ch oi r, co m to ha ve m ad e a e d ge ad ke te an r a m m po en is re be s rd ys wa e Lo nt s ha ve do th es e da fi re fo r ye a rs , G od , th bi lli on co m pl ai ity ” an d dd en ly un de r th e la st 35 0 0 ea to r’s “h os til an d th ey ’re su ea tio n, ha s Cr en om Cr e l ph th l al t ra d of ou tu se r ab te na cu r an d M as od ha s be en ac nc e ca us ed , go tr y. A ll su pe so m et im es . G fe bi ”. of ce y di an r ju re fo “p e, ta ke s ap ol og is ed an y of ci al in to le ra nc en a m a ke m is di d no t m ea n of th e gr ea t of “e xt re m e ra st at in g th at he bi a, an d an e”. es n’ t un do an y po ss ib le , ho ok do op sp is m is ho Th “m d ly an al e sm nt c xi ad de si se m ci ba s t ac ha d os it an ct fo r th e m ad va nc es G od m ad e to th e ut te r di sr es pe f or th e be au ty el In a st at em en t of al l th e Na its e lif as su ch r th e r te rs hu m an r ig ht s.” e a re so r r y fo as se m bl ed re po , th e A lm ig ht y’s r ts fr om of cr ea tio n. W s, an d we tr us t or ld Fo llo w in g re po e th on at l, si th ie r en l tio ns of th e W ab r na tio na m is ap pr eh e Lo rd y, A rc ha ng el G A m ne st y In te w ill fo rg iv e th d re su lte d pr es s se cr et a r e Lo rd , an th at hu m an ity f ac of th e Lo rd ha th s of of eng e hi on d ec a ac pi an te r th rly th e M ou er el y of ] sl av er y, wa r wh at wa s cl ea a nc fo ni si en od ill “G m , “[ , at in in d” th at no un ce d th lty of ev er y k ci de nt .” un de rs ta nd in gs in hu m an e cr ue m ay co m e to o re gr et s th e m is al Ba n K iin gs er th en e G od ’s de fe ns e G th y r of a e et m cr so Se N om Le y cr iti cs , wh o U fr s, an d m du e lte xo r re su la te to ap pe as He wa s un de ir m ed th at “E e. nf bl co Bi n e un tle ss ce nt urs oo th co be m r m in fo he sa id wo rd s we re ro no m y an d Nu an d ill bl am e hi m s te st hi eu at D , th co nf lic t. us on d tic si an vi nc e an d th e im pr es t pe r ni ci ou s r ie s of in to le ra cr ib ed ve rb at im we lc om ed am on g th e m os d lly re te a ia ea fic cr of er s ev no t be in g tra ns ha ts K i-m oo n ro us do cu m en by fu tu re ge nis po sit io n, st H ed sa of us di . n be y” io d at tit ul ic e en wo G od ’s cl a r if le pe rs on … or si s fo r an en tir ng ba th e “f ul l si e a of th t by as or en sh ns be er at io t sa id it fa lls lie ve m e, r di st as te ha s a bu Be ul . tic ity r ”. al Pa ve or r m at se de sy st em of d ha ve ’s in ju nc tio n th ap ol og y th at we th in g he wo ul a ro us ed by G od se m al e an d th is is th e la st ha rc pu ay “y ou m e y wa nt ed .” fr om am on g th l: “G od is ve r fe m al e sl av es Ad de d G ab r ie ok e”. so r r y He m is sp
God claims He “misspoke”
MAGAZINE CREDITS EDITOR John Wallis CO-EDITORS Hattie Jones, Cathy Bueker Leonie James DESIGNER Claudia Stocker ILLUSTRATIONS Lauren Ashby Phylly Bluemel Claudia Stocker
Quotation co n entirely of sq sists brackets and uare ellipses
A qu ot at io n us ed by Pe m fr es he r Ja m br ok e ha d th is bi t ie R an dm an in m y es sa y in an es sa y re le as ed w he re I w as ta lk in g Sa tu rd ay w ab ou t th is hi as to co nt ai n es fo un d st or ic al m at er ia li sm se nt ia ll y no th in g an d I co nt en t or ig in al ly em re al is ed I ha dn’t ac tu pl oy ed by th al ly qu ot ed e qu ot ati on’s au th or an y M a r x. O bv io us ly I , so ur ce s re di dn’t ha ve po r t. T he qu ot at io ti m e to go th n, ro ug us ed by R an dh al l of T he m an to ex pl G er m an Id eo lo gy se ai n M a r x’s a rc hi ng fo r th eo r y of hi st or ic al m a go od se nt en ce to at er ia li sm , us e so I so r re po r te dl y re ad : “[so ci te d th e is su e w it h so et y] … [i s ba m e cr ea ti ve se d on] m at er ia l re al us e of sq ua re br ac it y, an d [t he ke ts an d el li re fo re ], … [a ll of hu ps es . Te ch ni ca ll y, m an hi st or y] th e qu ot at io ca n [b e ex pl ai ne d by n is no t ac tu al ly fa ls ] … [p eo pl e’ e…” s re la ti on to th e co nc re te w or ld A dd ed R an dm an : “[ I’m th em ]. ” a ro un d la zy gi t w ho ] … is [g oi ng al so a A cc or di ng to fa il hi s to R an dm an ex am s th is su m m er ]”. : “I
s h o u ld th e g overn m e nt raise th e cap on tuition fees ? First! In answer to this very serious question, TUITION FEES SUCK MY COCK! Further, we feel that that dude there is totally a bender and the woman at 2:17 definitely has implants. While many may disagree, there is certain evidence that those cats are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1! adorable and that only Jesus can save all you suckas now. To support this, you should definitely check out my video at http://bit.ly/dpyFRb, it’s only 14 seconds long and it’s guaranteed to change your life. It also seems clear that religious haters should go stick their heads in an oven, despite the fact that this seems to contradict the point made by the imbecile asshole retard who almost certainly has no friends. We conclude, therefore, by drawing the reader’s attention to KKK FOR LIFE!!!!!!! :P
Anybody for the Big Issue? Don’t all rush me at once. Is anyone going to buy the Big Issue? Anyone at all? Just form an orderly queue, no need to rush me. Will you buy the Big Issue, sir? I won’t object to anyone buying a Big Issue; I might even be partial to the suggestion. Anybody? Anybody at all? Don’t all rush me at once. Anyone? Please, say ‘yes’. Followed by ‘I would love to buy a Big Issue’. It has happened before. Who wants to buy a Big issue today? Buy one copy and get two staples free! Anyone for a Big Issue? Don’t all rush me at once.
Master of Trinity to adjust Sun’s temperature
es , OM , Lo rd M a r tin Re ity Co lin Tr of r PR S, M as te he w ill be d ce un le ge , ha s an no tu re of th e ra pe m te e th al te r in g 0 we ek by 15 ,0 0 Su n’s co re ne xt . ra de de gr ee s ce nt ig g to be “T hi s is no th in is ed by,” Re es pr r su or ed m r al a co nf er en ce fr om sa id in a pr es s nto r y in th e bu ra hi s se cr et la bo
ya l in 19 95 in A st ro no m er Ro s su pe rh um an hi re co gn iti on of ro l th e la ws of ab ili ty to co nt stt m ad e an ad ju no s ph ys ic s, ha e th in ith w d in m en t of th is k er Sy st em fo r ov Ea r th’s So la r se d ea cr in he en th re e ye a rs , wh to gs in r s n’ r Sa tu th e nu m be r of tio na l ita av gr r fo e co m pe ns at in g ed by th e pa ss im ba la nc e ca us . 07 20 m et in of a ne a rb y co tio ns ha ve A lth ou gh qu es ou t wh et he r be en ra is ed ab wh ic h in cl ud e , rs we Re es ’s po n, d te le po r ta tio om ni po te nc e an an m hu to ng er m ig ht po se a da s so ha r te as M ity ity, th e Tr in th em fo r G oo d fa r on ly us ed ed wh en he te am as ch Ca us es , su hn Jo t is r ta ui up w ith su pe r-g rbo xe r Ch uc k No as te r’s Lo dg e M e Pe tr uc ci , k ic kth h at ne W at ch om ke r be fr is n s hi tta “t ha re at Co ur t, r is, D r. M an ri x in Tr in ity ’s G to fr om Th e M at m od if ic at io n e in m en an d Ne o ut ro a y el ne m es is s hi m er at fe nde co to un iv er se la st Ap r il m a ke su re th e th e un iv er se of tio n at op tim um an d fi na lly r id tin ue s to fu nc al l ev il. ca pa ci ty.” s m ad e wa o wh , es Lo rd Re
the sou nd of silence (a n d c usta r d pi e s) J e n na C or de roy Lying on a hospital bed, recovering from a failed suicide attempt ( jumping off a 50ft wall somewhere in East Croydon) Humpty Dumpty spent the day contemplating. The egg-man realised that had all the King’s horses and all the King’s men ar rived a minute or two later, he would have been dead for sure. It felt like he was given a second chance. Humpty Dumpty didn’t have the best star t in life. His mother was made into a chicken and mushroom pie, and he was bullied at school. Later, he developed a taste for alcohol (eggnog if you were wondering), and since then his life was a series of failed relationships. But as he lay in bed, he realised he could tur n his tragic past into something funny. And Humpty decided to be a standup comedian. After months of scrawling ideas on napkins, Humpty Dumpty was ready to make the world laugh: he had timing, deliver y, and punch lines. He signed up to perform in a comedy night at his local pub. He couldn’t wait! He was born to turn people’s frowns upside down. *** Tonight was the night. People from far and near (well, from down the street at least) filled up the room for a night of hilarity. ‘ …And our next act, Humpty Dumpty!’ the MC yelled. Humpty punched the air in excitement and stumbled onto the stage. He could feel the audience scr utinise ever y inch of his shell. How he relished the attention, despite the lack of welcome applause. There was no need to wor r y, he was soon going to break the silence with his side-splitting jokes. He confidently unhooked the microphone from the stand, emitting a high-
pitched noise that caused the audience to howl in pain. He tapped the microphone a few times, to make sure. ‘Is this thing on? Great,’ said Humpty. He paused. ‘Cracking,’ he said. He looked around the room, but no one was laughing. ‘See that’s a joke…I’m an egg, see?’ Oh poor Humpty! Halfway into his stand-up and still not one person had laughed: it was like he was drowning in ice-cold silence. He tried all sor ts of tricks, branching his style out to observational and improv, and he even attempted impressions. ‘Tick tock, tick tock,’ the egg-man shouted frantically to his audience, vainly tr ying to impersonate an egg timer. Tough crowd. The comedian tugged on his collar and beads of sweat rolled down his shell. ‘Hot in here …almost fr ying!’ he pleaded. Someone tutted. ‘Fr ying… see? A fr ying egg!’ he desperately cried to the unforgiving audience. ‘It’s a joke!’ He bravely battled on. ‘I hate my dad…because he’s such a cock,’ he said. Someone coughed. ‘Joke right there… see, he’s a cockerel.’ There was a scrapping of chairs. Should he star t picking on the audience? Yes, decided Humpty. A woman in the front row caught his eye. Unfor tunately for him, he had never heard of stand-up r ule 1: never pick on an audience that might pick back. ‘How do you like your eggs in the morning?’ Humpty asked the woman, shoving the microphone into her face. She whispered: ‘Scrambled –’ ‘Hopefully unfer tilised, you slut!’ inter r upted Humpty. Did anyone else laugh? He looked around hopefully. Not a chance. Instead, the woman spoke up: ‘That was offensive.’ Several people cheered in suppor t. She continued:
‘I’ve found your whole stand-up this evening slightly –’ she paused, ‘eggscr uciating.’ And she continued with her egg-pun-infested criticism: ‘your act is well below my…eggs-spectations. Do you think you’re an…eggsper t at comedy?’ The audience roared with laughter. And then came the dreaded hecklers: ‘Mate, your act is so…eggs-cr uciating. You deserve not to…eggs-ist’, cried the first. ‘You’re well past your…eggs-piration date’, opined the second. ‘Eggs-scuse me, but you need to be put out of your miser y and eggs-secuted’, offered the third. ‘All these egg-related puns, its too… eggs-treme’, cried out another heckler. ‘Get off the stage, you’re eggs-crement!’ The laughing audience slapped their thighs and whooped with delight as the comedian stood alone in the stage
lights. It all felt like slow motion. Vulnerable Humpty Dumpty dropped his microphone on the f loor and realised the world was not laughing with him: they were laughing at him. They say comedians have thick skins, but oh, not Humpty. Not fragile eggshell Humpty Dumpty. That night, after binging on bottles of eggnog, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. His insides splattered all over the pavement. Instead of all the King’s horses and all of the King’s men turning up to give Humpty urgent medical assistance, a local baker swept up the egg-man and used him to make hundreds of custard pies to be thrown at people in a presumably hilarious manner. In a small way, Humpty Dumpty did achieve his goal of turning people’s frowns upside down… in a war ped, macabre, custardy way.
More Whitt and less Tard a rant on ‘eek-y-nomics Jack Lewars It is often prod uctive, I find, to brea k life down into a series of causal chains: every action is a conseq uence, and has a conseq uence. Seeing one’s situation in these terms can hel p one to accept the a ppa rent injustices of life. Perha ps if my cat realises that it is flying off my balcony because I kicked it; and that I kicked it because I wanted to prove that cats really do have a sweet spot; and that I wanted to prove this because of a bet I made last nig ht; and that I made the bet because I was th ree pints to the good etc. – perha ps then it will find it easier to accept both its present aviational experience and the inevita ble termination of this jou rney, when its g ravityind uced descent and the su rface tension of the road coincide. Perha ps not, I su ppose. I n Novem ber, I wonder whether those tal king a bout the tuition fee protest and its violent sideshow were rather missing the point. Those at Tory HQ blamed the students; the students blamed the fees; the Coalition were responsi ble for the fees; they pointed to the recession; and so on, until everyone has a bd icated all responsibility. This is, however, one of those ra re instances where a fi rst cause can definitely be nailed down. There is a single cause of the negative conseq uences of the recession – of job losses, of hig her taxes, of the budget deficit and of the cuts. It is an almost d ivine instance of a single event from which all su bseq uent repercussions have resulted. This single sta rting point is, of cou rse, Whitta rd of Chelsea. Basta rds. Many respected philosophical schools have adopted a teleolog ical view of the cosmos – not only that things a re as they a re because of causal chains; but that things a re as they a re because this is the best way for things to be. If you accept this perspective, everything has pu rpose – and, clea rly, the pu rpose of the recession is to weed out shops such as Whitta rd of Chelsea. It is a shop which has completely d isrega rded the fundamental tenants of business – what possi ble sustained demand can there be for novelty tea? No one wants anti-hangover coffee. H umanity has a bsolutely no need for eig ht types of coffee bean, unless the other seven have
run out. No one’s prod ucing seven su bsid ia ry types of oxygen; and until the asth matics sta rt going down in d roves I don’t suggest anyone sta rts trying. Whitta rds is a business which sold china to midd le class women, and then only in the sale. And so, inevita bly, it was slid ing towa rds colla pse, a victim of the ha rsh realities of economics. So fa r so good – but then, at the eleventh hou r, an Iceland ic consortium steps in a buys it. “Whitta rds shall continue,” they proclaimed. And the universe im ploded. The su rvival of Whitta rd of Chelsea has torn the very fa bric of ou r teleolog ical cosmos. It is q uite proba ble – almost certain, really – that with the death of Whitta rd, and maybe Hawkin’s Bazaa r (a luminescent Santa hat for £80? I ’d rather stick a glow stick in a sq ui rrel and gaffa ta pe it to my head, than ks), the recession would have… receeded. J ob done. I nstead of which we’ve lost Woolworths. Everyone li ked Woolworths. It was the easiest way of getting free sweets on the hig h street. You mig ht not buy things, but you’d li ke a browse, and every now and then you’d pu rchase something small out of a sort of nagg ing guilt – rent, if you li ke, for the real estate you’d been occu pying for the last two hou rs to avoid the rain. Now it ’s gone and we’re all the poorer for it. There is something fundamentally wrong with a reality in which Woolworths has d ied and Whitta rd of Chelsea has been saved. Things will only get worse. So, N US, leftwing d issidents, professional ana rchists and old men who want to reconnect with youth in a very physical way, follow me. We’re going to Whitta rds. The tea pa rty is coming home.
for a good time sailor?
Unsure what to do af ter universit y? Look no f urt her. Captain J. Verne is look ing for hardwork ing students to help run his glorious ship, sailing t he Seven Seas and genera lly getting up to a ll sorts of swashbuck ler y. Ok, so t he starting sa lar y isn’t great; you’re most ly paid in potatoes for t he f irst couple of weeks. But can you put a price on experience? Just read t he feedback from our past and present employees: ‘I wrestled a monstrous squid with my bare hands. It was fantastic’. ‘I had cof fee with Jacques Cousteau in his underwater sandcastle. We had philosophical conversations that went long into the night. I asked him who would win if a mega shark fought a giant octopus. He answered, “Neither would win. In war there are only losers”. Jacques Cousteau is very wise. Plus he gave me some weed.’ ‘Mermaids demanded to have hot wet angry sex with me. How could I resist?’
‘The staf f on Captain Verne’s ship are lovely. It’s such a friendly environment. Although Captain Ahab can be a (Moby) dick at some times…nah, I’m joking. I studied English literature at university and I’m a very likeable person.’ Ot her perks include treasure hunts, bingo nights wit h t he loca l pirates, yoga, and f ull hea lt h insurance* So! Are you a lover of Sout hend Sea? Was swimming wit h a dolphin in some grott y sea life centre one of t he best moments of your miserable childhood? If yes, t hen what are you waiting for? Pick up an application form from your nearest Careers Centre and send it to Captain J. Verne to be considered in t his once-in-a-lifetime opportunit y. *I nsu ra nce does not cover sc u r v y, c abi n fever, c a n nonba l l-related deat hs , or appl ic a nt s f rom Nor t her n Irela nd .
Nick Clegg, Monty Python and you It has often been noticed that people that have successful careers don’t always start on the “right” career path. According to PathMotion.com, career paths are rarely linear but there is usually some logical thread to them, suggesting that “every professional story can be turned into career advice.” A look at some Cambridge graduates can show us how. Consider Nick Clegg. Not everyone likes him these days, but he is probably the second most powerful man in the country. Nick studied social anthropology at Robinson College. He displayed an interest in politics from the start – it’s rumored that he was a member of the Cambridge University Conservative Association, though he claims to have no memory of this. But he didn’t dive straight into politics; he began several other career paths before ending up as an MP and later a Party Leader. He was originally a keen actor, and starred with Helena Bonham Carter in a Cambridge production about Aids before either was famous. Some have even speculated that she may be one of Clegg’s “thirty” women that he said he had slept with in an interview with Piers Morgan, though he denies this. After abandoning acting, Clegg worked at banks, newspapers and on humanitarian projects for the European Commission. There was a political theme in much of what he did, including his journalism for the Financial Times and The Nation magazine in New York, and the thesis he wrote at the University of Minnesota on the Green Movement. Clegg’s career shows that there are many ways to enter a field, but that keeping focused in one’s area of interest eventually pays off, usually unexpectedly. A similar message is borne out by the career of Matthew Parris, one of the most respected and powerful political journalists in the country. His trajectory was in many ways the mirror image of Clegg’s: he originally aimed to spend his career in politics, getting elected MP just years after graduating from Clare College. Yet he decided to resign his seat to become a host on an ITV current affairs show, launching an accomplished career as a broadcaster, author and political analyst in many different roles.
genius), three of them killed themselves. Ludwig left for the UK, where he studied engineering in Manchester. His arrival in Cambridge was unexpected – he knocked unannounced on the door of seminal philosopher Bertrand Russell and went on to be his greatest student. Wittgenstein’s scientific background probably helped shape his innovative approach to philosophy, but again, great careers come in unexpected ways. We can see the same thing for more radical career changes,. Take for example another illustrious Cambridge graduate, George Mallory, famous both for his attempts to climb Mt Everest and the quote “Because it’s there” to explain his determination to succeed in that venture. He became a school master on leaving Cambridge, and later a soldier – it was only in middle age that he fulfilled his ambition to become one of the most iconic mountaineers in history. A.A Milne initially studied maths at Trinity, but went on to be famous for his whimsical stories of Winnie the Pooh, while Graham Chapman originally qualified as a medical doctor before becoming a comedian with Monty Python, though he did serve as President of the Footlights while at Cambridge. Later, on the set of Life of Brian, Chapman was able to act as the crew’s doctor, holding a consultancy while he wasn’t filming his part as the lead role in the film. PathMotion was founded on the premise that “every professional story can be turned into career advice” and inspired by the belief that career paths are not always straightforward – it pays to think outside the box, persevere in one’s field of interest and learn from those who’ve come before. That is a message to treasure for anyone thinking about life after Cambridge.
Further back, Ludwig Wittgenstein had an even less likely start to his career as one of the most important philosophers of the 20th Century. Astonishingly, he attended the same Austrian school as Hitler, coming from a family that tried to deny its Jewish ancestry. Though his four brothers had many talents (including a pianist, a military commander and a musical
Here at Vivid we always like to be prepared for the worst; in fact we positively enjoy preparing for the worst. It’s common knowledge that our editor got Piccasso’s Guernica tattooed on the back of his eyelids, and listens to The Ride of the Valkyries to send himself to sleep, and the rest of us try hard to maintain this air of misery where possible. Who better to trust with drawing up strategems to deal with localised apocalyptic scenarios?
SCENARIO 1: Sainsbury’s ends its two-for-£2.50 “bites” boxes. Don’t panic. Remember that, while the future has just become bleak and joyless, there are still Jaffa Cakes.
SCENARIO 2: Jaffa Cakes Inc. goes bust. Bummer. Naturally, you made a vast secret stockpile in case of this eventually. But if you didn’t, or when you exhaust it (they always go faster than you think), we recommend turning on friend and foe in equal measure. Subtly investigate hidden compartments in other peoples’ rooms in the hope you might stumble across an unguarded store. If caught, don’t hesitate to use deadly force. In a Jaffa Cake apocalypse, every man is well and truly for himself.
SCENARIO 3: Sainsbury’s is consumed in a hellish conflagration At this point, you can be sure that all semblance of ordered society will disintegrate, the university will be well and truly brought to its knees, and, most importantly, essay deadlines will be automatically voided. You have two options. Since no student group will remain functional, you can capitalise by raising a mob of furious (and hungry) malcontents, barricading the city centre and demanding that the wealthy colleges release their secret stocks of Dr. Pepper, Jaffa Cakes, Basics Lasagne and Peroni six-packs for public consumption. Or, if you’re fast enough, you can use the temporary chaos and mounting panic to make it onto one of the last trains back to civilisation before the station is overrun by demented hordes overwhelmed by Sainsbury’slessness-induced psychosis.
SCENARIO FOUR: The self-checkout machines turn evil and rebel: Sainsbury’s is subjected to the dominion of robot overlords Be careful. The self-checkout machines are bound to have spies across the city, and they will not tolerate any signs of dissent, so your operation will have to be discreet. Their main weakness is the tantalisingly mysterious “unexpected item”; this is most successfully deployed against their Achilles Heel, the “bagging area”. They can also be slowed by effective use of a nectar card or by inserting too many coins at once. The best strategy will probably be to take out their command centre, free the captured store workers and finally get the girl. Consider finding a mad scientist in the physics department and commandeering the time machine he’s bound to have somewhere to go back and defeat the robots before they can rebel in the first place. However, in light of the quantum metaphysics of inevitability, use of time-travel equipment is discouraged. It tends only to create escalation and unpleasant paradoxes where you end up as your own father. Good luck!
H idden! S ociety Thinking of sampling some of the delights of the university’s underground? Vivid presents a selection of the best clandestine culture Cambridge has to offer:
V The Adon’tians A terri bly em ba rrassing all-male affai r where fellows invite young, elig i ble underg rad uates out to a fancy meal and spend the whole evening screwing u p the cou rage to ask them on a second date. Only recommended for lig ht relief.
The Fit Club Thin k Fig ht Clu b, except mem bershi p is restricted to alumni of Eton, Ha rrow, Rad ley and Cha rterhouse. Founded in 1 820 by futu re Prime Minister William “ Fit Boy” the J uvenile, the fi rst rule of Fit Clu b is: you do not tal k a bout Fit Clu b. You express you rself in projectile vomit.
The Disciples Whether you fancy listening to long boring lectu res a bout nothing or lea rning how to pass information to KGB agents, this is a g reat place to sta rt! I nitiation only req ui res one to sym bolically transform into a foetus and be cu rsed at – there’s nothing to it!
Fairy Queens Only recommended for those comforta ble with thei r sexuality, this elite g rou p of machismomunchers is gua ranteed to g ive you more than you r fai r sha re of midsummer nig hts’ nig htma res. I nitiation involves an oath of alleg iance to the su preme “lad ” and a flawless recital of the Zen and the Art of Misogyny. Sleeveless vests and Cla rkson im personations req ui red.
Night Climbers with the hig hest fatal accident rate of any Cam bridge society, this covert clim bing ca bal is not for the faint of hea rt, but it is for anyone who wants to be li ke Batman (al beit with more spinal damage). Rooftop final-showdown with nemesis of choice gua ranteed for anyone who passes the end of yea r re-initiation tests with at least two lim bs remaining.
V The Nativity Cherry Hinton Primary School
t was with anticipation that the curtain rose on this latest stage revival of Luke’s finest dramatic opus. The Nativity is a sophisticated, intelligent and at times edgy work, touching as it does upon themes as diverse as unplanned pregnancy and homelessness. So in many ways, it was a baffling decision on the part of director Mrs Scott to cast a company of seven-year-olds in all the lead roles. Indeed, so much of Luke’s intricate characterisation and emotional subtlety was lost on this dreadful cast, several of whom needed
Benedict XVI Hyde Park
t’s not every Supreme Pontiff that can turn out an 80,000 strong crowd at Hyde Park during a religious crisis. But this is not any old Pope. His Holiness Benedict XVI has been pulling in the Catholic punters for years, ever since he established a name for himself in Bavaria with his original Arian-folk outfit ironically called the “Hitler Youth”. Since then, Papaldom has come naturally to “Benny sunken-eyes” as his fans affectionately know him. Now on the second gig of his sell-out “John Henry Newman beatification tour”, Benny is showing that some things don’t ever stop getting better. Truly, this is one descendant of St. Peter who has still got it. In the gathering dusk on a balmy autumn evening, the set kicks off with a simple yet mind-numbingly powerful Lord’s Prayer, a staple of the Papal catalogue since about
to be prompted to deliver even the classic lines. The final straw came when ragamuffin Terry Smith (who made no headway on challenging David Tennant, who for this reviewer remains the definitive Innkeeper) informed a bewildered Mary (Tallulah Bagshott) that there was no room left in the inn even before she’d arrived at the door. Bagshott’s sorry efforts to ad lib in response were mumbled and incoherent. Elsewhere, the acting on show was little better. The shepherds were at least on cue, although failed to convey the rugged worldliness so crucial to the success of the climactic Manger Scene. The costume department, headed by Mrs McKeever, was uninspiring. Tea-towels are so cliché. Musically-bereft, the school orchestra did little justice to the original score, composed as it was of a violin, xylophone and seventeen tambourines. Vocally all
over the shop, several walked out during a dire rendition of ‘Rocking Carol’ in the far from dulcet tones of five-year-old Shardonnay Burke-Cole. The audience seemed conspicuously composed of friends and relations of the cast – at times acting as the sole crutch to a limping, fatally wounded lame duck of a performance. One can’t help but wonder whether there might have been an opportunity for a welcome early final curtain without such blatant sycophancy. In many ways the most polished performance came from Colin Wallis (6), whose method acting in the run-up to playing Sheep #3 clearly paid off, convincingly urinating several times on stage. Other than that, this was a lacklustre performance from an under-rehearsed cast who would do better to stick to the sandpit and leave acting to the professionals.
450 AD, and the crowd is already chanting all the lyrics in unison, obviously electrified. Some have their eyes closed and their hands clasped as if in prayer to this god of religious stadium-rock. All the great crowd pleasers are unleashed, including the maestro’s signature cover of “Holy Communion” by Judean grunge act the Last Supper, which has the crowd on their feet surging towards the stage. Entertaining between numbers with his characteristic off-the-cuff banter, the Pope just had to mention the “persecution of the faithful in the modern spirit
of atheism” to get an appreciative roar. Ending with a classic Catholic anthem, ‘Lead, Kindly Light’, the Holy See left no doubt in any of the 80,000 minds that had gathered to pay him tribute that his glory days of bigotry and dogmatic conservatism are far from over. A key act for the precariously solvent Vatican Records, the Pope will be returning to Rome for a serious of gigs in his home city before heading back to the conclave to record his next edict, due for release in late 2012.
A LIFE Robbie Evans RELEASED 07/01/11
BORN IN LINCOLSHIRE IN 1948, ROBBIE EVANS ATTENDED PETERBOROUGH GRAMMAR SCHOOL AND THE UNIVERSITY OF SUSSEX. HE WORKED IN CONSULTANCY FOR 17 YEARS BEFORE TAKING A JOB WITH AN ACCOUNTING FIRM IN HARTLEPOOL UNTIL HIS RETIREMENT AT THE AGE OF 64. HE IS OUTLIVED BY HIS WIFE, MARGARET, 71, AND HAS NO CHILDREN.
xpectations for Robbie Evans were always going to be overblown. The publicity team consisting of Mr and Mrs Evans did not help matters by branding him as the “cutest little thing ever”, despite his unappealing visage. Still, regardless of the
METAREVIEW Review of 4.48 Psychosis SIOBHAN FORSHAW VARSITY OCTOBER 2010
hen a morbid, intelligently-directed and emotionally-raw play like 4.48 Psychosis is put on by some of the most talented student thesps in the country, the temptation as a reviewer is to slip into the usual clichés of praise, sycophancy and even comment on the actual production. Mercifully, Varsity’s Siobhan Forshaw falls into none of these traps. Instead, this insightful and original virtuoso of the reviewing world targets the play’s ‘Facebook group,’ a clever journalistic metaphor for ‘things I’ve nicked off the director’s own private Facebook page.’ Whereas a lesser theatre critic would dive straight in at reviewing the play, Forshaw insightfully teases out the disanalogy between the light-hearted, amusing and perhaps irreverent status feed of director Chloe Mashiter and the actual production (an “undoubtedly accomplished overall success”), before choosing the former, rather than the more conventional latter, to base her theatre review on. This reviewer is clearly going places. With a reading age of at
hype, Robbie is a fairly rewarding life, coming in at a reasonable 73 years: long enough to make all the key points but not too long to get tedious and become a strain on his children’s resources. The main disappointment here is the lack of motivation. Evans plays a dissatisfied but under-confident human who goes through the motions of life without ever really engaging in any meaningful offerings. True, there are pretentions to ambition that are just enough to keep one interested in his fate as a fellow person, but ultimately they are never resolved into anything more than a resignation to mediocrity and an acceptance of a series of unfulfilling day jobs. Such banality is, fortunately, interlaced with moments of charm-
ing sincerity and courage, such as the unconventional technique of using money won on a minor game show to fund a new wing of the local hospital, or the powerful proposal to the future wife in restaurant in Italy. At such moments, the crippling lack of self-esteem melts away to reveal the true Robbie Evans – carefree and appreciative of life’s joys. Despite constant underachievement, predictability and general disappointment for everyone who knew him, one cannot bring oneself to cast a bad judgment on Evans. Something about the life and the tragedy of its utter waste to humanity makes us recognise ourselves in this humble and incredibly ordinary person.
least 37, the article manages to wheel out classic erudition, peppering the prose with words like ‘proclivity,’ ‘naturalistic’ and even ‘stage design.’ Whether or not Forshaw knows anything about theatre is beside the point. As a reviewer she implies an air of expertise and connoisseurship about her niche subject matter, namely the relation of Facebook profile updates to nothing whatsoever of consequence for the theatre. Forshaw’s flair laughs in the face of editorial convention, repeating the phrase ‘take...seriously’ twice in the same sentence to create an ironic clunkiness, which is only enhanced by her choice of ‘such as-
sertions’ instead of the more mainstream and boringly readable ‘assertions such as these.’ Elsewhere, through the use of indicators like ‘frankly’ and ‘(I think),’ she subtly yet poignantly emphasises that her review is a subjective opinion rather than a matter of fact. There’s almost no need to see the play with reviewing this good. By almost completely bypassing any element of the production whatsoever and focusing on the director’s obviously cynical attempts to undermine her own play, Forshaw breaks the mould of theatre reviewing. She’s definitely one to watch, and one to do the watching.
Full length mirror
E ssential I tems U niversity
ge a book by its People say ‘never jud you’re not a book. cover’. Unfortunately ery second you’re You will be judged ev r human being, so in eyeshot of anothe or people will talk you’d best scrub up ur back. Heads up. about you behind yo
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Charity shop jumpers
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Government announces national exams to increase productivity
H om e Se cr et a r y T he re sa to da y an no un M ay ha s ce d an ob li ga to r y ex am sy st em fo r th e en ti re w or k in g- ag ed po pu la ti on of th e U K , in a ne w m ea de si gn ed to su re in cr ea se th e ou tp ut of th na ti on’s in du e st r y.
“T he E nf or ce d A nn ua l pr og ra m (E E xa m s A E ) w il l gi ve ev er yo ne a pe r fe ct re as on to ge t on w it h th e im po r ta nt th in gs th ey ha ve n’ t be en de vo ti ng en ou gh en er gy to ,” M ay st at in a pr es s co ed nf er en ce th is m or ni ng . “We a re co nv in ce d th at if on ly w e ha so m et hi ng bo d r in g bu t un av oi da bl e to be w or k in g fo r, w e w ou ld so m eh ow m an ag e to be co in ev er yt hi ng m e a lo t m or e ef fi ci en t el se in ou r li ve s, li ke th th in gs th at ac tu al ly m at e te r.” A cc or di ng to de ta il s re th e H om e O le as ed by ff ic e, th e E A E is ba se d on a Ja pa ne se m od el th at re in cr ea se d in du st r ia l pr od po r te dl y uc ti on in Ja pa n by 85 % w he n tr ia ll ed la st ye a r. A ex pe r t on pr n e- ex am -p ro du ct iv it y, U pr of es so r of CL ps yc ho lo gy D r G ra ha m Je n k in s, sa id th at he th ou gh t th e go ver nm en t’s de ci si on w as w el l- fo un de de cl a r in g th d, at “i t w as ab ou t ti m e” th so m eo ne im at po r ta nt re co gn is ed w ha ha vi ng to le t a r n ab ou t w or th le ss ac ade m ic su bj ec ts co ul d do fo r pr od uc ti it y in yo ur vli fe .
m m en te d ou s, ” R ic e co d a fe w ll y sp on ta ne un ta ro to a r as w he t “I k in d of se en ’d m a ke “I to t, y en tr af te r th e ev t I’d be tt er ob vi ou s an d I th ou gh an re fo ke be li es ed ti m se em . Wor k ju st co nv er sa ti on t.” ec ti on la st ed bj ch oi ce of su th e co nv er sa to so ur ce s, rs e as ng ve di di or as cc A ve re d to pi cs co d m en t an nt es ha 2. 47 m in ut ic e’s di se nc ay be th e cr is is an d R m y is sa th es y s’ sa ne Jo ly st s r vi so r. A na C am br id ge w it h hi s su pe a r y is su e of de ba te at on ti ho w re vi si on m os t re vo lu t w as as ke d ye a r st ud en dha s pr ob ab ly ir it th gh a e si nc r te r m , th ou te as E 89 w he n a st la 19 g ol w as go in at ta in ed in le an d C ai us C ac e ll nn vi pi er he a rd in on e s G th en at or k, so ur ce lo ad s w as ov op le to no t re ac he d Tw o fr es hm un fa ir w or k ti on ab ou t w pe sa of y er n an io nv ok m at to co g er a y d co ns id en t, ca us in ch al le ge dl le ge ha ve ha is tr y de pa r tm t. en t A m y er sa ti on , w hi m nv ud he st C co e es he th T nc en re po r t. tu ra l sc ie d in ag re em a ch an ce da y w he n na si gh an d no ie l R ic e ha d pl ac e ye st er an D d r an he f op ie il os ed ly “b r Jo ne s an d ph w as su pp os a pa th w ay, m ee ti ng on ng ”. no n- en ga gi
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Bastards responsible for bad thing
A number of people whose pa rents were not ma r r ied at their bir th were found responsible for something bad today, though it has yet to be established whether these people a re also the male offspr ing of a female dog. The bad thing occur red dur ing last
night or yesterday after noon, sources confir m, when the illegitimate children must have ta ken some of local student Matt Coa k ley’s nutr itional sustenance supplies stored in their sha red fr idge. “W hat utter female reproductive organs,” exclaimed Coa k ley of the people with whom he has cohabited for th ree and a half yea rs and who have, he alleges, been the cause of ever y unpleasant incident he has ever exper ienced, “I mean, you have to be a real twistable door-opening device to do something as bad as this.” Added Coa k ley: “Well, at least I enjoyed engaging in sexual intercourse with each of their mothers last night.” He declined to com ment on what species these mothers were.
Procrastination student unable to stop concentrating
A se co nd ye a r pr oc ra st in to r ha s re po ar te d a w or r yi ng in ab il it y to st op fo cu si ng on he r w or k, V iv id ha s le a r ne d. E m il y Vau gh n, 20 , w ho st ud ie s pr oc ra st in at io n at H om er to n C ol le ge , ha s to ld re po r te rs th at de sp it e al l he r be st ef fo r ts , sh e si m pl y ca nn ot pu t of f he r w or k un ti l th e la st po ss ib le se co nd . “I t’s te r r ib le ,” Vau gh n ad m it te d, “e ve r y ti m e I ju st si t
do w n to fo rg et ab ou t w or k an d re ad so m e tr iv ia l a r ti cl es on th e Ta b I fi nd I ca n’ t st op m ys el f pu ll in g ou t a de ns e 50 0 -p ag e bo ok an d re ad in g th e w ho le th in g co ve rto -c ov er w hi le ta kin g de ta il ed an d re le va nt no te s […] So m et im es I’ ll w r it e w ho le 30 0 0 -w or d es sa ys w he n I re al ly sh ou ld be ge tt in g th ro ug h th e la st tw o se r ie s of P A dd ed Vau gh ee p Sh ow.” n, “W he n it ge ts re al ly ba d I ca n’ t ev en fi ddl e w it h th e ra di o on m y de sk un ti l I’ ve fo un d ev er y si ng le ch an ne l it ge ts w it ho ut pa yin g at te nt io n to th e w or k I’m no t su pp os ed to be do in g. My in ab il it y to be co m e co m pl et el y en gr os se d in m ea ni ng le ss ta sk s is be gi nn in g to ha ve a de tr im en ta l ef fe ct on m y re su lt s an d so ci al li fe . M y tu to r re ce nt ly sp ok e to m e ab ou t th e w or r yin g hi gh qu al it y an d th or ou gh pl an ni ng in vo lv ed in m y cu r re nt as si gn m en ts .” It ha s al so be en ob se r ve d th at la st Wed ne cl in ed th e op sd ay, Vau gh n de po r tu ni ty of “c hi ll in g fo r a ph at zo ot ” in or de r to re se a rc h fo r he r pa pe r in H ai r A cc es so r ie s. A so ur ce cl os e to he r co m m en te d “M an sh e’s go t w el l m es se d up . I ho pe fo r he r
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Answers on the back of a postcard to: c/o Vivid Magazine, Secret Lair, Suspicious Volcanic Island, Pacific Ocean.
Winning entrant to receive pardon when the revolution comes.
IL BARBIERE established 1991
No Appointment Necessary £10 student discount Monday-Friday with NUS card 22A Magdalene Street 01223506914
Elegant, affordable student café with a great range of doof in different European styles including fresh baguettes and high-grade Arabica coffee imported from source. Pleasant atmosphere, easy to relax and read. Find us at 58 Regent St, next door to Games Workshop.
“Never drink again” pledge broken
A cor ner ston e pro m ise of Pet erh ous e fres her Tom Hit che ns for the futu re of his teet ota l cam pai gn was tod ay resc ind ed bec aus e of wha t the med icin e stud ent call ed “me just wan ting to hav e a goo d tim e, is tha t too muc h to ask ?”, sou rce s say . Hit che ns, who vow ed nev er to dr in k aga in last wee k whe n the full resu lts of We dne sda y’s Cin die s “ex per ime nt” wer e rev eale d, clai med tha t he had bee n forc ed to retr act the ple dge bec aus e of unf ore see n circum stan ces . Spe a k ing to an aud ien ce of fr ien ds at cen tral - Cam br idg e pub lic hou se, Hit chens adm itte d the pro m ise had per hap s bee n “ex agg erated ” and “a litt le hub r istic”, but mai nta ine d tha t it
had bee n the r igh t thin g to do at the tim e. He stat ed tha t whi le he stil l bel ieve d tha t he sho uld “pr oba bly be foc usin g a bit mor e on the wor k,” he rea lise d tha t he “m igh t as wel l hav e a goo d tim e whi le I’m at it.” The stra teg y tur na rou nd foll ows the rev elat ion tha t que ue- jum p tick ets to Fez wil l be one -po und che ape r tha n usu al ton igh t. Cr itic s of the or igin al pol icy hav e said the y don’t k now why he eve n bot her ed say ing the who le not -dr in k ing thin g in the firs t pla ce, and , fur the rmor e, it’s not as if hav ing a goo d nig ht out is any thin g to be ash ame d of, eve n if he did acc ide nta lly do tha t thin g wit h tha t girl ’s sist er last tim e.
QUIRKY, AUTHENTIC ITALIAN CAFÉ ON KING STREET.
Serving up delicious pasta dishes, delectable cakes and hearty breakfasts. Favourite for students, with special food offers on Wednesdays and open mic nights every second Sunday
iPhone GUI template by teehan+lax (http://www.teehanlax.com/)
iPhone GUI template by teehan+lax (http://www.teehanlax.com/)
Hom lessness Fash ion Down on your luck? Down and out? Kipping down in a dumpster? This season’s exciting new fashion line is sure to make you the most envied person on the streets. Here’s our selection of hot looks to keep you several degrees above freezing this winter.
You seek the essence of park bench slumber, the humble legend of back alley scrounging, and spare change. But as Sex and the City taught us, you have to go that extra mile to stand out from the rest of the urbanised masses. That’s why we’ve designed the Pavement Chic Panama Hat. Perfect for any outfit, this creamy head covering with a cheeky pink and blue striped band conveys a combination of attitude and sophistication, with the additional bonus of being sick-proofed. You may not be getting the sex, but you can sure rock the city with this flashy number.
Overshadowed by your metropolitan counterparts, you crave to rocket the unroofed rural population onto the fashion radar. Make your dream statement with the Ditch Roamer Top; expressing your laid-back spirit and pas-gauche flair, with a low cut neckline to show off your chest hair or cleavage – or both. Put the urban drifters back in their place.
For the man whose fashion changes as rapidly as his domicile. Our soft light blue Gambler Jacket gives a touch of pizzazz, avoiding the typical dark and neutral hues characteristic of the blasé hobo, while making it easier for debt collectors to locate you. Semi-permeable, the fabric lets you personalise the jacket with body odour, sweat, and Strongbow to create a genuinely authentic, comfortable look.
Tired of being upstaged by all the freshfaced yuppy homeless, with their Lady Gaga-inspired tinfoil trousers and barely month-old vomit stains? Our red and yellow striped Bestitute socks are the perfect tweak to give your appearance that up-to-date look. For the best look, let your legs protrude out of the cardboard box when you sleep, enabling passers-by to admire them fully. And if you order now, you will receive a matching dog for those long nights when you just need the warmth of another living thing beside you, pressed against you, squeezing around you, enveloping you now, so warm and tight, ah, ah… I mean another living thing that knows what it’s like to go it alone.
Local proud of what he believes to have been the British Empire
R ef er r in g to a po li ti ca l he on y di sm an ge m tl ed de ca de s be fo re hi s bi r th , lo ca l el ec tr ic ia n Pe te r H il lm an , 27, w as br pr id e Tu es da ou gh t to te a rs of y as he he ap ed pr ai se on w ha t he fe lt w as ce r ta in ly th e “B r it is h E m pi re ,” so ur ce s co nf ir m .
Radical new TV series to feature vampires, undead romance
“I ’m ju st so pr ou d of go ol ’ B r it ai n, od ” sa id H il lm na tu ra l re so an of th e ur ce s, et hn ic ab st ra ct na ti cl ea ns on -s ta te of in g, ra ci st po w ho se li ci es , co nc m em be rs he en tr aha s pe rs on al ti on ca m ps an d fo st er in ly m et ap pr ox im at g of el y 0. 0 0 05 9% in te r- tr ib al te ns io ns w hi , pa us in g be fo re us in ch ha ve g th e 1s t pe m ad e pe ac ef ul re la ti rs on pl ur al to in cl ud e hi on s in A fr ic m se lf in an im po ss ib le a to th is da y, im ag in a r y co m m un it y H il lm an al l of w ho se st at ed : “w e br ou gh t ci vi co nst it ue nt in di li sa ti on to vi du al s ce as th e fo ur co r ed to ex is t ne rs of th e ov er 10 0 ye gl ob e! ” a rs ag o: “W M ov in g e on w gr ea t on ce .” er e to di sc us s “I a co un tr y th at w as no t un nd ia ,” H il lm an w en if ie d in it s cu t on to de sc r r re nt st at e at th e “E m pi re ib e an y po in t in ”, on e of th hi st or y un ti e l af te r it w as m os t le th al an d ge ce de d fr om B r it is no ci da l ca m h co nt ro l, H pa ig ns in hi st or y, as il lm an “g lo r io us ”, re po r te d th at “w st at in g th at he w as “h ap e br ou gh t th py ” th at “w pe ac e an d pr em e ow ne d, os pe r it y. [T li ke , al l of he y] do n’ t [t he U ni te d k no w w ha t th ey ’r St at es of ] A m er ic a on e m is si ng ou ce !” de sp it e on , no w th at t th e fa ct w e le t th em th at th e de sp ha ve ot ic al ly co nt th ei r ow n co un tr y… sa m ro ll ed co lo ni es in e go es fo r th e N ew Wor C hi na [a cu lt ur e de ci m ld ov er th re w B r it is at ed by h r ul e lo ng B r it is hen fo rc ed op iu be fo re th e E m pi re w as m ad di cfo r m ed ti on bu t w hi ch w as ne ve A dd ed H il lm . r ac tu al ly r ul ed by an , “I m ea B r it ai n] ”. L pr ac ti ca ll y n, w e co nq ue re d al iv in g st an da rd s in l of A fr ibo ca .” It is th ou gh t he m in cr ea se d by th co un tr ie s ha ve ay ha ve be en ov er 90 0% sp ea k in g of si nc e th e th e fa ct th at de st r uc ti ve B r it is h E m pi B r it ai n w as gi ve n ju re w as r is di ct io n by di ss ol ve d be tw ee n 19 45 a co nf er en ce of E ur an d 19 65. op ea n re pr es H il lm an’s cl en ta ti ve s in B er li n ov ai m s a re be er se ve ra l te to be hi s le li ev ed as t ac cu ra te r r it or ie s am ou nt in g si nc e he to ap pr ox . 35 a rg ue d la st % of th e T hu rs da y th co nt in en t in at Q ue en qu es ti on . R E li za be th II ef er r in g ha s th e po te to th e ir re sp nt ia l to on si bl e de pl re cl ai m al l po li ti ca l po et io n of w er in th e U K .
d th at it ha s IT V ha s co nf ir me im eti me pr w ne a d ne co m m iss io di ca l ra e th th dr am a se r ies wi va mp ire s ng di clu in of pr em ise cte rs. Th e fic am on g th e ch a ra de ad , me ta mo rtio na l ra ce of un s ck in g hu ma no id su doo ph os in g, bl e th of ite r ou fav ha s lo ng be en a n re , an fo lk-m yt h ge Ea ste r n Eu ro pe in d te oi pl ex be to bu t it ha s ye t s , so me th in g IT V’ ma in str ea m TV pe s to ho e gl En e ik M ch ai r ma n of . ta ke ad va nt ag e he rs un co ve re d rc a se re ur “O no va tiv e id ea in y th is am az in gl e go in g to ta ke th wh ich I k no w is sto r m, ” by ce en di au wa ter sh ed a pr es s co nf ercla im ed En gl e in “t he se va mp ire at th ng di ad en ce , h ou r ra tin gs us “p d th in gs ” wo ul ”. th ro ug h th e ro of es id es , it wi ll Ad de d En gl e: “B fre sh ma te me so be gr ea t to ha ve
eth in to , ha ha .” r ial to ge t ou r te be wr itt en an d Th e se r ies wi ll ds Ca me ro n, a bu di re cte d by Ja me at so me th t ui rc ci e th di ng na me on pe r ien ce d”. In an ha ve ca lle d “in ex e Ob se r ve r, Ca mTh th wi in ter vi ew to ta lly ta ke n by s er on sta te d, “I wa V ap pr oa ch ed me su r pr ise wh en IT ne ve r ev en he a rd I’d . wi th th e id ea co nc ep t be fo re , of th e va mp ire ht ten tia l th er e r ig po e th bu t I sa w g in th me so r fo d aw ay. Be pr ep a re gr ou nd br ea k in g.” me d he wo ul d Ca me ro n co nf ir rsi al ste p of ta ke th e co nt ro ve ic in ter ac tio n nt ma ro a sc r ip tin g a ra cte r an d ch n be tw ee n a hu ma ou gh r um ou rs th , ire mp va ch on e su d be an ul wo n th at th is hu ma ma n in ne ed of wo g un yo ed lis id ea po we rs of da rkpr ot ec tio n fro m sh e is he lp les s ich ne ss ag ai ns t wh r ifi ed . ha ve ye t to be ve
decides to cut self
In a dr as ti c ne w m ov e de in g na ti on al si gn ed to co de fi ci t, th e m ba t a gr ow C oa li ti on G an no un ce d ov er nm en t a pl an to cu to da y t sp li ti ca l sy st em en di ng fo r th e en ti re po of th e U ni te d K in gd om T he la te st cu by Se pt em be t in a se r ie s r. dr af te d pr in of ec on om is ci pa ll y by C in g m ea su re ha nc el lo r G th e de ci si on s eo rg e O sb or to ne , ju di ci al bo di cu r ta il th e ex ec ut iv e, le gi sl at iv e an es of th e co d un a Tr ea su r y sp ok es pe rs on tr y “w as no t ta ke n li gh tl y”, sa id . In a st at em en t to th e H th e go ve r nm ou se of C om en t ai m s to m on s, w hi ch de m ol is h by bo r ne re ve al M a rc h, O sed th e de ta il s of th e pl an co nd uc te d a , sa yi ng “W th or ou gh ex of St at e r ul e’ ve am in at io n of an d al l af fi e is li at ed pu bl ic th e go ve r nm re gr es si ve ap sy m pt om at ic of it s un ap en t bo di es in th w e ha ve be en pr oa ch to so ol og et ic al ly e co un tr y, an fo rc ed to co ci al is su es . an ot he r cu t d nc lu de th at no t pr ov id in T hi s is ye t th at ta rg et s th ey a re si m g va lu e fo r th e w pl w m ea or se of f an d y on ey. We a re lt hy w it h li ha rd -l in e ap te ra ll y no re le av es th e pr oa ch on un ta k in g a ve gu la ti on w ha ry ne ce ss a r y sp A dd ed H a r m so w e ha ve ts oe ve r.” no ch oi ce bu en di ng an d an , ”I ca n’ t se e oc ra ts co ul t to ax e th e B r it ai n. ” ho w th d gi ve th ei r St at e of G re su pp or t to su e L ib er al D em at T he go ve r nm A cc or di ng ch a po li cy ”. en to th e ne w pl t’ s L ib D em B us V in ce C ab le be ac hi ev ed in es s Se cr et de fe nd ed th by th e en d of an , co m pl et e an a rc hy w ary e pl an s, sa yi ex ac tl y 6. 05 il l ne xt ye a r, w de fi ci t to be ng “I t’s tr ue 1 m il li on pe it h th e na ti on el im in at ed th at op le cu r re nt th e st at e w il so on af te r. al go ve r nm en t ly em pl oy ed l ha ve to lo T he m ac hi ne an d th e sy st by se th ei r jo bs r y of ti al th at w e em of de m oc pe op le fo r th , bu t it ’s es ta ck le th is ra ti c r ul e by e pe op le w il se nde fi ci t be fo co nt ro l. T he th e l be ra pi dl y st ep by st ep re it ge ts ou pr op os ed re di sm an tl ed tr an si ti on to t of pl A in ac ll w em a A a rd en ga s t, a si m pl e T he pl an ha in st A ll , w il th e St at e of Wa r of s no t co m e l be ef fi ci en N at ur e. ab ov e al l m T he de pu ty w it ho ut cr it t, co st -e ff ec an ag ea bl e. le ad er of th ic is m , ho w ev ti ve an d W e re du ce re d w e L ab ou r Pa il er l m an , sa id th . be ab le to m as si ve ta pe an d go r ty, H a r r ie t at th e de ci si ve r nm en t bu ly H a rI ca n co nf id on co ul d ha co ns eq ue nc re au cr ac y. In en tl y sa y th ve di sa st ro us es . fa ct at th sp er e w il l be en di ng at al “We al l be li no w as te fu l l.” ev e in re du T he fi rs t st go ve r nm en t’ ci ng th e de ag e of th e pl fi ci t, bu t th s po li ci es a w e an re he ra sh an d il l n th e en ti re H a r m an sa id w il l be gi n ne th ou gh t- ou t,” xt w ee k, ea rl ie r to da do w n 10 D ow C ab in et w il l fi re th em y. ”T he fa ct ti on is se r io se lv es an d bu ni ng St . th at th e C oa us ly pr op os rn li in g el im in at in g th e ve r y ba si s
Evil Overlor d reconsider h to sense of humis our
C ou nt V is hn at h th e D es tr oy er ha s an no un ce d a dr am at ic re ve rs al of hi s in fa m ou s “L au gh M an ic al ly E ve r y T im e I D o So m et hi ng H or r ib le ” po li cy, ci ti ng th e re al is at io n th at “a ct ua ll y da m ni ng pe op le to et er na l se r vi tu de an d th e su ch li ke is n’ t th at fu nn y, re al ly, is it ?” V is hn at h, w ho ha s te rro r is ed th e in ha bi ta nt s of th e C a r pa th ia n re gi on of so ut he r n Tr an sy lv an ia fo r th e la st 80 0
ye a rs , is al so sa id to be co si de r in g ab nan do ni ng hi s us ua l bl ac k ca pe w it h re d ve lv et tr im m in g, an d po ss ib ly co mm it ti ng in hu m an at ro ci ti es ev en on ni gh ts w he n th er e is n’ t a li gh tn in g st or m . H e to ld re po r te rs th at he ju st w an te d to sp en d m or e ti m e in da yl ig ht w it h hi s ch il dr en E r ne st , H ub er t an d Je ssa m y, pr ac ti ce hi s go lf sw in g an d w or k on hi s ta n.
Dr Who’s real name revealed
In a shock revela tion sure to stun the sci-fi world , the produ cers of BBC’s Dr. Who series today annou nced that they would be unvei ling the Docto r’s real name as “Coli n Mille r”, in the new series set to air next Marc h. The popul ar TV show, which is thoug ht to attrac t an audie nce of over 1 millio n, has tradit ionally kept the prota gonis t’s name a secre t, but chief script write r Steve n Moffa t has said that the “time has come to introd uce the real Docto r, a docto r with a [stupi d] name .” Fans have repor ted mixed reacti ons, with some sayin g they were expec ting somet hing “dark er…a bit more Gallifrey ”, and other s comm enting that the new name suits the chara cter perfe ctly. Actor Matt Smith , who will contin ue to play Dr Mille r, was unava ilable for comm ent.
F act s fro m On e w ho know S
T he tour guid e col umn
By G. U. Llible, certified Cambridge tour guide
and realised what bollocks it is.
Did you know?
Sidney Sussex college is one of only two colleges to contain the name of both an Australian town and a British county, the other being Darwin Dorset college for tour guide studies.
If you go down to Great St. Mary’s under a full moon, you can still hear the ghosts of dishonest tour guides making up bullshit myths about Cambridge. There are no fewer than three bridges over the Cam that were built by tour guides just so that they could fabricate new stories for the gullible punters they rake in. The Cambridge Corn Exchange has over 30 times as many bricks as the Eiffel Tower, and almost the same number of tour guides.
Trinity College’s Great Court Run is an annual challenge in which students must complete a full circuit of the court in the time it takes for the clock to strike 1 o’clock, or in the amount of time a tour guide grapples with his conscience before telling a barefaced lie, whichever takes longer.
A May week prank in 1974 left the words “duces vincunt omnia” scrawled in three-foot high letters on King’s College Chapel. Trinity College acquired its monumental wealth after winning a bet with St John's that it could spot the most mistakes in a typical Cambridge guided tour. Watson and Crick made their famous announcement of the discovery of the double helix in the Eagle pub, by entering and exclaiming to all those who would listen: “we know you have absolutely no idea what this means, but we promise it’s a big deal, so we thought we might as well make a good story for future tour guides by telling the Eagle that DNA has a double helix shape.” The Grand Arcade is now a shopping centre, but in the 1930s-50s it used to house the Department of Psychology, and was known as the “Oedipus Complex”. The name was ditched after researchers heard a local tour guide explaining the finer details of Freudian psychoanalysis
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Photographs by Trinity College Photographic Society
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Form a Gardi l? Cindie s? es? St anda rd.
V Niall Caldwell
letters to th e editor Dear John,
Can states be moral in their relations with other states?
Where is the essay on “can states be moral in their relations to other states” that I sent you last month? Why have you been avoiding contact with me? Will you attend a single supervision this term?
All the best, Glen (your supervisor)
Dear Sir, Dear Sir,
I regret to inform you that contrary to your proposals (“Why you should at least consider going on a date with me”, Jan 4th) I have not the slightest desire to see or speak to you ever again. Find some slag to have “coffee” with, isn’t that what you normally do?
Leave the money in container 37 at the West Quay arcade. Go alone. If we have any suspicions that the cops are involved, we kill the girl. Yours Aye, Rt Hon George Campbell MP for South Gloucestershire
Aren’t you a porn production studio? Where do I get “XXX Babes Go Wild LA”?
I am sorry to hear that you will no longer be studying Social and Political Sciences with me. I wish you all the best in your career as a street performer.
I left my copy of your last issue among my radioactive experimental equipment overnight, and when I awoke it had mutated into a giant, man-eating creature. I have tried to defeat it with my patent laser gun, but this just makes it stronger. It seems to have an insatiable appetite for poor grammar, page 3 girls and awful synth-pop, though it is powerless against decent journalism. I’ve managed to lock it in the laboratory but I can’t work out how to destroy the beast. Do you also publish superhero mags?
Though you do not receive any state funding, I have nevertheless decided to cut you on principal.
Many thanks, Doc
Yours, George Osborne Chancellor of the Exchequer
Correction In the last issue we published the name of the Minister for Education as Michael Gove. The correct version of the name is “Massive Twat-Head”. This was due to a printing mistake.
To all my beloved Vivideers: Like everything at Cambridge, this magazine would have been really amazing – honestly – if I’d had time to do it right. [Paragraph moaning about pressures of Cambridge life removed for legal reasons.] Looking out from my office window, at the armies of bedders, Big Issue salesmen, Sainsbury’s shelf-stackers, garbage disposal units, celebrity professors and the window cleaner who is being increasingly unnerved by my steady gaze, I feel a deep sense of duty towards those of us forced to remain shackled to our books, studying without hope of release from the misery of being a Cambridge student. As a famous man once said, “Let my people go.” If you are reading this, it means you have decided to put yourself through yet another term at Cambridge, or
it means you have hacked into my computer before the magazine has gone to press. In the former case – good on you! Since we’re all going down together, let us at least be merry while we’re at it. Remember to occasionally set aside time to watch zombie films, or fall in love. If you can do both at the same time, I will give you a gold star and more envy than you can imagine. In the latter case, please just leave everything as it was and I won’t ask any questions. Thanks again to everyone who I thanked at the start! You’re still great! Thanks especially to my designer, Claudia, who has basically made the whole magazine for me. I’m more indebted to you than Rowling is to Tolkien. Goodbye, Cambridge. Mwah ha ha.
Cambridge University Prospectus Realistic Version
HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO WORK? AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGH!
WHY CAMBRIDGE IS BETTER It’s got gowns
INNOVATIVE NEW IDEAS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
Formal then Cindies? Standard.
They’re not very sociable are they?
WHERE TO EAT
Hall or Sainsbury’s
VIVID magazine issue 8. Edited by John Wallis. Designed by Claudia Stocker.