G I V E U S Y O UR
F UCK ING M ONE Y
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2010
SuBo on the Yemeni hostage crisis:
“I hope they all get shot. Good and proper, like in films.” Full story on page 1,948.
Exclusive: God takes vengence against your constant masturbation
By Rory Magnaflange
Britain was plunged into chaos last night as the four horsemen of the apocalypse were spotted at the Woodall Welcome Break service station between junctions 30 and 31 of the M1. Eyewitnesses said they saw Pestilence queuing up to purchase a Ginsters’ Chicken and Mushroom pasty and a can of Irn Bru at around 19:30 last night. Four haunting, ghost-like horse spectres were also seen tied up outside the branch of McDonalds opposite. Ian Wheelshandy of Harrow said “I usually come here two or three times a week with my secretary to stay in the Travel Lodge, and I’ve never seen anything like that before.” The sighting has led many to believe that this is the beginning of the end times, and fiery, horrific death will soon rain down upon the entire globe, except for the houses of those who attend church of their own free will. Bishop Tim Hairline of the diocese of Leicester insisted he was not worried because “I’ve always been good to the church, I’ve held mass for a crowd of one on several occasions purely because of the good the word of Jesus can bring, to anyone. But you’re all fucked.”
If the horsemen have descended from the heavens as foretold in the Book of Revelation, experts suggest that they will probably try to find an appropriate base of operations from which to bring holy annihilation to the Earth, probably a remote cave somewhere in rural England or a branch of Barclays.
When reminded of the 2001 police investigation into the contents of his home computer’s hard drive, he added “I’m afraid I can’t continue this interview, I need to stock up on cement and tinned food. Goodbye.”
When pressed upon what could be done to counter the threat of mass, untimely death, ¬culture and Olympics secretary Jeremy Hunt said “What the fuck are you asking me for? Get out of my way. Prick.”
Ahmedinejad at the testing grounds for ‘Project Thunderhammer’.
I INVENTED GEESE, CLAIMS AHMEDINEJAD