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Smithtown Dads Establish New Online Space to Bond By Megan Sigismonti Staff Writer

Dads in Smithtown are connecting, helping, and competing with each other in an epic collaboration on the world wide web. Three lost fathers from Smithtown were inspired to create a place where dads could interact. Co-founder Norman Wilks found his wife was much happier and less stressed when she had a place to discuss parenting with other moms. “I apparently turned soft when my daughter was born according to my childless buddies. I began to question my masculinity. I even began to believe them— after all, I knew all of the Disney princesses’ names, and tea time was replacing my football time. Can’t a guy be a dad and a man at the same time?” said Wilks. Wondering if anyone else had a similar problem, Wilks questioned his friend John Geyer, also a dad, if he could relate at all. Geyer did, and stated, “When an old friend of mine, now enemy, reused my joke— my joke— I flipped. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant. Only now I am irrelevant since my joke has been stolen. Something must be done.” Geyer continued to spread the message to dad Tom Binari, who added, “It all began when my neighbor powered up his new Honda HRX217K5VKA lawn mower, immediately after I finished mowing my lawn with my Toro Recycler 20340. Ever since Toro be-

came a member of our family, I was almost certain he was the best on the block—until now.” After coming to the conclusion that these monstrosities must be addressed, the three friends joined together in Geyer’s shed, where they decided a safehaven must be created in order for fellow Smithtown dads to restore their masculinity and preserve their pride in fatherhood. Members rapidly enrolled onto the site and began sharing their issues. Paul Hays, a member, stated, “After someone scuffed my Nike Air Monarchs I knew I needed help— I needed help from someone who can relate. Smithtown Dads provided me with the support I called for.” A flood of similar messages crying out for assistance helped create the subpage called Dadvice, where products such as beard trimming mats, grill lamps, bathroom golf games, and other tips and tricks regarding machismo and parenting were shared. Gradually the Dadvice column morphed into a ranting section. Thus, the Dant subpage was added (Wilks wanted it to be known they are still working on the name). From discussions about Hawaiian shirts and how their spouses don’t allow them to wear them in public, to the necessity of fanny packs, to treasuring their sacred chair or spot on the couch; dads finally had a place to air their grievances without being called soft.

In efforts to maintain their manhood, Binari added a new section to the website, Mano-y-Mano, which is the battlefield of all dad jokes, tools, shed goals, and navigational skills. This week’s top joke was posted by Larry Sheppard; “I was going to tell you a joke about sodium, but Na.” The battle for best outdoor hut in Smithtown heightened yesterday when Robert Holloway claimed that his shed was “a castle surrounded by cardboard boxes.” Neighbor and now ex-friend of Holloway’s Todd Dickinson, rebutted by stating, “The day my shed becomes comparable to a cardboard box is the day I host a Tupperware party.” Smithtown Dads continues to burst into success. According to Binari, “Now I know, surrounded by Smithtown’s band of dads, my manliness has been restored. My life is complete.”

The dad we should all aspire to be.

The Matador- Satire May Fools 2018  
The Matador- Satire May Fools 2018