TOTAL BULL Here is a sidebar of television shows that have no bearing on the content of the newspaper but still, in our estimation, deserve media attention. Kind of. Enjoy this issue chock full of things we think are funny.
Volume XIII, Issue IV
It’s Gonna Be May Fools 2018
? Saint James, NY
Some Young Guy With Great Name Wins Best Actor Ever Award at 2018 Academy Awards By Samantha McCleery Co-Editor-In-Chief On March 4, Timothee Chalamet was crowned the youngest person ever to win The Academy Award for Best Actor for his role in the film Call Me By Your Name. This news was far from shocking considering he is the epitome of perfection. I mean, his acting skills are so incredible that you sob when he says something as simple as “hello”. “I had no competition,” Chalamet stated, “Just some average joes, like Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman, who
have only been in about a hundred movies and won tons of awards and have been acting for as long as I have been alive. Nothing too impressive.” According to www.chalametinsider. com, “Timothee showed up to the event wearing all white in an attempt to act innocent and as if he had no idea he would win. He wasn’t fooling anyone. He as well as everyone at the awards knew the Oscar was his.” Now, Chalamet is living his best life as a
rich, attractive young man who has a tiny, little, fakegold statue to prove he has actual talent. The official ambassador of The Academy Awards has made claimed, “The Best Actor award, for as long as Chalamet shall live, will be appointed to him even if he was not in a film that year.” This minor accomplishment showcases just one of the many, many reasons why he is such an incredible human being.
Buzz Quiz: Choose your preferred nail art, and we’ll tell you how many fingers you have
Pink Colored Products: Industry’s Contribution to Feminism fear I face in my everyday, feminine life. My XX chromosomes weren’t made to handle such hideous treasons. After I eat these “chips” I like to wash them down with some Go Girl energy drinks! This beverage comes packaged in a pink bottle, and that’s the only difference between ugly drinks for men and my beautiful weverage (that’s a woman’s beverage!) This pink bottle is able to slip into my purse easily and without discomfort. In my bag you can also find some female q-tips that have smaller pink swabs for my miniature girl ears. Silly men and their large ears and white q-tips! Hallelujah! As touched on by TV personality Ellen Degeneres, Bic has released a pen for women. These pastel pens come in colors such has “lavender” and “mint” and have been designed with a “thin barrel to fit a women’s hand.” An elegant design just for my delicate fingers. But some men aren’t having it. Guest on Sharktank Chad Melvin came up with a new product and said, “I think all men can agree, it’s a
By Grace Faulhaber Deputy Editor Early in the morning on March 17, Margaret Kelly heard a ding from her phone not knowing that it would immediately change her life. Kelly, a 25-year-old New York City lawyer, quit her $300,000 a year job and instantly bought a one-way ticket to China because her horoscope app notification claimed that adventure was in her future. Since her dream destination had always been China, she needed to follow the alignment of the planets and buy that ticket. The last that was heard of her was from her Twitter account, @capricornbaby101; “YOLO, Beijing here I come!” Once her mother, Teresa Kelly, found out, she was very worried and immediately called Margaret to see what was going on. She said, “I called Margaret, and it went straight to voicemail. She is a smart girl though,
so I am sure she is making good choices.” Confident in her daughter’s decisions to quit her lucrative job and move to China, she shared the former lawyer’s fascination with her zodiac sign and the horoscopes that quite literally shape her everyday life. Teresa Kelly said, “ For each birthday from the age of five, I have bought her a horoscope book for her birthday.” Margaret Kelly shared that the notification said, “Mars, the planet of action and drive, will start a two-month shift on March 17. In this position, Capricorns will be adventuring very soon, so do the unexpected.” She was moved by this statement, and believed that it was time to change her life. If nailing a stellar job wasn’t good enough, quitting it and moving to China certainly was for the 25-yearold. Ms. Kelly’s story is a perfect example of following your heart. Do
struggle going through life never had used a tampon because of the feminine pink applicator. Finally I present to you Manpons, tampons that are packaged in a rugged blue applicator! Just for us men!” But he’s not alone; another man, Duke Robinson, said “Pink is for girls! And I would never be so foolish as to buy a pink tampon.” Thank god for items as listed. Without them I would have to suffer with the slate-grey man packaging. Products lacking such pretty bonuses might lead others to believe I am a man! How disgraceful they’re not even willing to pay an extra two dollars for some pretty pink packaging! After all what else would my 77 cent paycheck go towards? www.easyhealthoptions.com
By Lauren O’Hara Staff Writer Today’s world is plagued with inequality and sexism. With havoc in the White House, rampant sexual harassment in the workplace, a lack of reproductive rights, and the crushing wage gap, we might ask ourselves: how can we fix such misfortunes? Well, Indra Nooyi, the CEO of the Doritos company, is making strides for change with these new, and totally necessary, chips for women! “Snacks for women can be designed and packaged differently. And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon,” said Nooyi, “For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse.” (Yes, this is an actual quote). Whew! I can finally enjoy some nice, soft chips without the fear of the large snapping noise! My weak woman ears tremble because of the awful chomping that is caused by the bite of a regular chip. This revelation will finally save me from some of the
An everyday women crying because of her loud, frightening chips.
Girl Quits Job and Moves to China because of Horoscope App
what you feel is best even if it may cost you your home, lucrative career, relationship with friends and family, and lifestyle. www.indiatoday.in
Margaret Kelly has her Capricorn sign posted in her room, and makes time every day to read up on her horoscope.
Buzz Quiz: Everyone has a favorite lung ailment--let us guess yours! How a Breaking of a Single Snapchat Streak can Ruin a Life Forever
By Hannah Shine Staff Writer Snapchat — the most used social media app by adolescents — has teens fuming over it’s recent “horrifying” update. Rather than Snapchat stories to be found on the third main page, they are now mixed in with streaks. And just in case you’re living under a rock, a Snapchat streak is a number which appears next to a friend’s name if you snapchat him/her every day consecutively. A 17-year-old, who prefers to remain anonymous, from Smithtown, New York, has reportedly missed two weeks of school due to the tragic breaking of a 534-day Snapchat streak with her best friend. Unfortunately, incidents like these are negatively affecting teens all across the globe — making them unable to function and leave their bedrooms. “No one should ever go through the consequences of losing a streak. I will never forgive myself, however, I do blame the update,” said the affected teen. “A 534 day streak is pure dedication. My goal was to keep it forever,” she told The Matador. The best friend of the victim
reportedly no longer speaks to her attendance issues. One Smithtown anymore: “What she did to me was teacher reports: “I think this approach complete betrayal,” said ex-friend. is benefitting me and my students; Other students are also instead of arguing with them to get iMessaging her harsh threats. “If off their phones, I allow everyone to she loses streaks with anyone else, send one Snap mid class in order to she will be shunned and friendless maintain their emotional stability.” forever,” said by a fellow student. Now that it has come to our at Sadly, the new organization of tention that Snapchat has plagued adothe app has caused slight brain dam- lescents, it’s important to continue to age for every one out of three teenag- spread awareness of the issue. “All we ers in the United States. Students here can do now as a community is hope and at at Smithtown East are trying to get pray that the victims of broken streaks in contact with the creators of the app recover,” said a concerned Smithtown to counteract the update, forcing back citizen. www.theonlinemom.com the old Snapchat we all know and love. Because without it, we are doomed. Teenagers have fallen into a profound trap of being completely addicted to Snapchat and it has deeply affected our youth. “I have over 100 streaks, so it’s hard to keep track…” the 17-yearold defends her case, “I don’t even know half of these people, but as long as the numbers go up everyday, Shown here is the common sight of that’s an accomplishment,” she states. teenagers addicted to their phones, Teachers at Smithtown East probably checking Snapchat. have now developed a way to combat
Cartoon By: Grace Faulhaber
Buzz Quiz: Based on your savory food preferences, we’ll tell you which authoritarian dictator you are!
Smithtown Dads Establish New Online Space to Bond By Megan Sigismonti Staff Writer
Dads in Smithtown are connecting, helping, and competing with each other in an epic collaboration on the world wide web. Three lost fathers from Smithtown were inspired to create a place where dads could interact. Co-founder Norman Wilks found his wife was much happier and less stressed when she had a place to discuss parenting with other moms. “I apparently turned soft when my daughter was born according to my childless buddies. I began to question my masculinity. I even began to believe them— after all, I knew all of the Disney princesses’ names, and tea time was replacing my football time. Can’t a guy be a dad and a man at the same time?” said Wilks. Wondering if anyone else had a similar problem, Wilks questioned his friend John Geyer, also a dad, if he could relate at all. Geyer did, and stated, “When an old friend of mine, now enemy, reused my joke— my joke— I flipped. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant. Only now I am irrelevant since my joke has been stolen. Something must be done.” Geyer continued to spread the message to dad Tom Binari, who added, “It all began when my neighbor powered up his new Honda HRX217K5VKA lawn mower, immediately after I finished mowing my lawn with my Toro Recycler 20340. Ever since Toro be-
came a member of our family, I was almost certain he was the best on the block—until now.” After coming to the conclusion that these monstrosities must be addressed, the three friends joined together in Geyer’s shed, where they decided a safehaven must be created in order for fellow Smithtown dads to restore their masculinity and preserve their pride in fatherhood. Members rapidly enrolled onto the site and began sharing their issues. Paul Hays, a member, stated, “After someone scuffed my Nike Air Monarchs I knew I needed help— I needed help from someone who can relate. Smithtown Dads provided me with the support I called for.” A flood of similar messages crying out for assistance helped create the subpage called Dadvice, where products such as beard trimming mats, grill lamps, bathroom golf games, and other tips and tricks regarding machismo and parenting were shared. Gradually the Dadvice column morphed into a ranting section. Thus, the Dant subpage was added (Wilks wanted it to be known they are still working on the name). From discussions about Hawaiian shirts and how their spouses don’t allow them to wear them in public, to the necessity of fanny packs, to treasuring their sacred chair or spot on the couch; dads finally had a place to air their grievances without being called soft.
In efforts to maintain their manhood, Binari added a new section to the website, Mano-y-Mano, which is the battlefield of all dad jokes, tools, shed goals, and navigational skills. This week’s top joke was posted by Larry Sheppard; “I was going to tell you a joke about sodium, but Na.” The battle for best outdoor hut in Smithtown heightened yesterday when Robert Holloway claimed that his shed was “a castle surrounded by cardboard boxes.” Neighbor and now ex-friend of Holloway’s Todd Dickinson, rebutted by stating, “The day my shed becomes comparable to a cardboard box is the day I host a Tupperware party.” Smithtown Dads continues to burst into success. According to Binari, “Now I know, surrounded by Smithtown’s band of dads, my manliness has been restored. My life is complete.” www.nndb.com
The dad we should all aspire to be.
Buzz Quiz: Based on your blueberry-themed food preferences, we’ll tell you which Disney character’s shoe style you are
Why Television is Your Last Hope at Finding True Love By Samantha McCleery Co-Editor-In-Chief
These days it is difficult to be a single man or woman. Finding a person to share your life with seems almost impossible, and people are beginning to lose hope. If this sounds like you, don’t worry because there is a solution: TV dating shows. The Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise are a series of franchises created to help lonely single people, who have way too much time on their hands, find the truest form of love. Because what other way is there to do it? Scheduling your own dates? That’s just ridiculous. What about a dating app? Okay, now you’re just trying to be funny. Who wouldn’t want to compete against 30 other people for the heart of one person who seems like he or she should have no trouble finding a partner yet do. I mean not only will you find a meaningful and deep relationship but also get social media famous, which is clearly the best part. You will also get to live life in a luxurious mansion and go on fun trips if you get selected, of course. If not, then you dropped everything for absolutely nothing and will most likely leave in tears as the rest of the men or women celebrate with champagne about your departure. Who doesn’t love to see adults bullying their peers as if they were teenagers? It’s truly a sweet moment. It is definitely worth leaving work and family behind to come on the show because
you have a 3% chance of actually ending up in a relationship. Those are some pretty great odds. If you happen to be among the 97% of people who do not win then you will suffer through weeks, even months, of public shaming following your failure at finding love. However, this is very unlikely. And, of course, if you win you will live happily ever after because there is no way your relationship will fail after only having known your partner for a few months and already being engaged. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Will you know his or her middle name at the end of the show? No. But you will have a huge rock on your finger and 100,000 more followers on Instagram. There isn’t much else you could ask for. If you are interested in being a part of the TV show that is said to be saving the dating world then here are some tips. 1. If you are eliminated after the first night make sure to bawl your eyes out. It’s not like you just met this guy or girl and only knew him or her for an hour. Emotions are emotions. Oh… wait… 2. If you want to be remembered, act totally insane, somehow make it until almost the end, and then not even be phased when you are eliminated. 3. Everything that happens on the show is 100% real, and it is a serious way to find
love. The producers do not tell people what to say or do. (I mean, how could you even think that?) 4. If the bachelor or bachelorette tells you they love you, odds are they have said that to at least one other guy or girl. The show is so good at helping you find love sometimes you find it with more than one person. It’s totally realistic. 5. And finally, be the most stereotypical, bland person with an extremely vanilla personality. That’s how you win. To apply go to: www.thebachelorishowyoufindtruelove.com/realitytvisreal/ justkidding/thereisnohope/foreveralone Good luck trying to impress someone while actively competing for their affection. It’s a ton of fun! https://www.theodysseyonline. com
TV dating shows are the newest and most promising way to find true love!
Buzz Quiz: Everyone has their own favorite photo of Beyoncé; let’s guess yours based on your fastfood french fry preference!
Another March For...Something By Brianna Foster
Staff Writer On March 20, the founders of the “#meninist” movement announced that they too will be holding their own march, which is set to occur sometime in the near future. The demonstration comes on the heels of January’s Women’s March, in which women and men took to the streets to voice the need for equality. #Meninism is a relatively new movement that seeks to keep white men in the positions of power that they’ve held for centuries. This march comes as a time where men seek to reestablish the dominance they feel they’ve lost in things like the push for equal pay and women choosing not to shave or wearing pants. Men across the country have been voicing their excitement on social media, using #mencanwalktoo, and you can find tens of them taking to the streets in cities like Montgomery and Oklahoma City soon. Men are now saying that it is their turn and are looking forward to the march. “I am happy that they are finally doing something to recognize men,” said Randy Simonton, a blogger
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Editorial Board Editors-in-Chief: Meghan Hayfield Samantha McCleery
from Omaha that we caught up with as he was being forcefully removed from Comic-Con for indecent exposure. Men across the nation are singing similar praise for this event, and they see it as their time to voice some recent frustrations. Paul Atkinson, a professional Civil War reenactor, said that he has been having an especially hard time.“I think it’s finally time that men have a say. I was thrown out of work the other day because I asked a woman if she wanted to see my bayonet. I told my boss that I had simply asked, but I was silenced, and I believe that it was solely because I was a man.” Upon further digging, those interviewed also made it clear that only men would be involved in this march. “No, my wife will not be joining me. She hasn’t left the kitchen in 25 years, and I don’t know if she could handle the sunlight,” stated John Turnbull. This march will host similar features to the women’s march, with the rally being held at twelve noon. This main event will feature prominent speakers such as Bill from Lowe’s and the inventor of the muscle shirt.
Deputy Editors: Grace Faulhaber Joseph Gentile
Staff Writers Sophia DeNicola Dakota Esposito Antonio Fondocaro Brianna Foster Jake Giglio Ellyn Gloria Rebecca Hall Lauren O’Hara Arianna Rodichok Isabella Romano Hannah Shine Megan Sigismonti Bryan Valenti Thomas Ziegler
If you are going and you would like to show your support for the movement, you can wear things similar to the pink hats: men are encouraged to tuck their pants into their socks and wear pants three sizes too big, at a minimum. A sign-making event will be held at a Modell’s in the future somewhere around 5:00 p.m. sharp. Barbeque will be provided.
An angry mob that you may be seeing come march day!
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Buzz Quiz: Tell us the 16-digit credit card number, your mother’s maiden name, and the PIN number to your bank account, and we’ll reveal a secret about you!
Creators of Yelp Develop New App for Businesses to Complain about Customers
Cartoon By: Becca Hall
Yap!™. Anger at frustrating customers no longer has to be taken out by spitting in their food or spelling their name ridiculously wrong on Starbucks cups. What a time to be alive. With a directory of local consumers at your disposal, have at that pesky soccer mom who’s always huffing about the lack of gluten-free options at your cafe. Discredit the snobby guy who asked for his steak rare and then slammed your restaurant for serving undercooked food. Give that obnoxious girl who always gets a Venti Caramel Macchiato with extra caramel and no macchiato a halfstar rating, simply because you can. “It only makes sense that if customers are given an outlet to share their experiences with businesses we get the same opportunity to dish it back,” said 17-year-old Robin Sparkles, a cashier at local supermarket King Kullen. “Uber drivers give their customers a rating, and it keeps riders from being excessively rude or acting out. They are no longer invincible, and the power dynamic shifts back into the favor of the worker.”
This opinion seems to be commonplace among employees in the service industry. “The system should always go both ways. It’s preposterous to think it hasn’t up until now. We are a democracy after all,” said Starbucks barista Jessica Glitter. Different features on the app include a location service and filter system for searching specific review categories such as: weird or elaborate food choices, annoying voices, asked too many questions, sent the meal back without trying it, and unappealing outfits/physical features. What are you waiting for? Unleash your pompous moronfueled rage with Yap!™, where the customer isn’t always right. www.theodysseyonline. com
By Becca Hall Staff Writer There is a flooding sense of superiority that accompanies the compilation of a scathing review. The ability to make or break an establishment for potential customers tingles in your fingertips as you contemplate what pretentious adjectives to select from your arsenal in order to trash the places you dine. Power hungry restaurant goers have flocked to the crowd-sourced review service Yelp for years, mainly overcompensating for unfulfilling personal lives, to exercise their opinions regarding everything from the “mediocre foam art” on their soy milk cappuccino to the “sub-par ambiance” of that new Italian restaurant on Main street. Finally, businesses can return the favor with Yap!™, a free new app recently released from the creators of Yelp that allow employees to write reviews for all the irritating frequent flyers and random characters alike that come into their stores. Now, thanks to this revolutionary new service, the chance to rate customers and let out all those savage comments that you could never say to their face has arrived in the form of
Finally, justice for Starbucks baristas
THE SATIRE ISSUE: WHERE THE “NEWS” IS FAKE, THE OPINIONS ARE EXAGGERATED, AND THE POINTS DON’T COUNT
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A special thanks to Lauren O’Hara and Ellyn Gloria for creating some of the most necessary and specific BuzzFeed-style quizzes we’ve ever heard of. Thank goodness the truth can now come to light.
NEXT ISSUE’S UPCOMING HEADLINES! Stranger Things Cast Shows Up in Moriches Park (Why all that digging??) Snapchat Changes App Format Again and Drives Everyone Mad with Rage (Again) Mr. Gessler Realizes Dream and Opens Jurassic Park, Long Island Nabisco Partners with Tide Fortnite...yup, just Fortnite Peter Dinklage vs. Morgan Freeman: Who Has the Better Narrator’s Voice?
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